UPJOKE
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Anyhow Jokes

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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"...

dyslexia isnt something to joke about...

anyhow, a man walks into a bra...

I got pulled over for riding a bike drunk

I got pulled over by the cops for riding a bike drunk. The cop asks me; "what do you think you're doing riding a bike drunk?"

So I told him, " I'm too drunk to drive, and every time I try and walk I fall down. So I stole the bike"

Anyhow, long story short, I need bail money.

Why do people put "draw me something funny on the inside of the pizza box" in the Other Requests box?

Because they know the pizza place is gonna be filled with art majors anyhow.

Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds

Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium

One fine day dad told me he hopes I get high

Or was it high hopes for me? Anyhow here we are...

A guy went to museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit.

A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals--a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. H...

To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada!

Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.

Grandma, I heard a vegan moved next door to you

Has it affected your life anyhow?

- Well, just to be clear, I want to let you know that I'm a grandma. But no, I don't think it has affected me. By the way, did I tell you I'm a grandma

I saw a sad Dallas Cowboys fan at the bar, so I bought him a beer and asked him what's wrong...

"See, it's like this, sir... I found a lamp at the beach, an' when I rubbed it, a big genie appeared in a cloud of smoke. It really was sumpthin', I tells ya. Anyhow, He says 'You have three wishes'... and well, I'm not good at thinkin' on my feet, and under pressure, so I kinda said 'Gee, I wish ...

A man becomes a monk..

A man becomes a monk at an abbey that requires him to work, study, and contemplate. He is allowed to speak only two words every ten years, so that they be the most consice and profound.

After the first ten years he goes through his first ceremony. He walks past the other lined disciples, knee...

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There was a rude monkey who always made fun of the a lion.

So there lion always ignored him and pretended the monkey didn't exist. Anyhow one time the monkey came and barraged the lion with insults, while a lioness was watching.

As usual the lion ignored, even though the monkey was on the ground, not even trying to hide.

Angry at the lion, th...

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put
him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at
a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he
was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said
the bull...

My wife says I don't listen to her.

I think that's what she said, anyhow.

One Day, All the Children in Ms. Jennifer's Class Were Learning About Politics

Ms. Jennifer began the lesson, "We'll start with the liberal party. Liberals believe in equality for all and that everything should be fair."

Now, this sounded pretty grand to all the first graders, so when Ms. Jennifer asked, "Which of you are Liberals like me?" The result was nearly unanimo...

THE SHOPPER (long)

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband ...

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Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

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This is a story of a smartass parrot.

This young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it’s a real “smart-ass” with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperament.

The woman says, “That’s okay, I know how to handle smartasses like that. I want the parrot anyhow.”
S...

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A post today reminded me of a joke my grandparents told me from the old country

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/1ko1i5/my_wife_just_called_me_at_work_and_said_um_youd/

Theres a famous joke that my great grandparents told me. Its whats called a "Chelm Story". In jewish folk tales there is a mystical city of fools called Chelm. In a typical Chelm story, a jew would ...

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

In an alternate universe, Aladdin stumbles upon the magic lamp

He picks it up, rubs it and out pops the genie. In this universe, however, the genie only grants you *one* wish and it’s from three pre-selected items of the genie. Aladdin, who obviously doesn’t know about the original story and therefor have no objections, happily accepts these ridiculous rules....

Two Math Professors Are Sitting In A Pub. "Isn't It Disgusting", The First One Complains, "how Little The General Public Knows About Mathematics?

"Well", his colleague replies, "you're perhaps a bit too pessimistic."

"I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I have to go to the bathroom."

He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a sign to the ...

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A blonde was at home getting dinner ready...

Her husband walks in and says,"Hi honey I'm home.By the way,there were these three blondes,right?And they were walking down the...

"Wait a minute,stop right there."she interrupts."This isn't another dumb blonde joke is it?"

He replies,"Well,yes it is.Anyhow,they were...

She aga...

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A blond walks in for a job interview...

She is kind of hot and the boss thinks of hiring her without the formalities. But decides to just ask her a few simple questions anyhow. "Could you tell me how old you are?" The blond starts to count on her fingers until she reaches 19. "19," she replies with a smile. The boss is taken aback and de...

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box.

He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is fu...

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There's a "mood party" happening in Manhattan...

... it's a very fancy party, lots of artist types dressed up as their favorite emotion. There's one woman dressed all in red. She is rage. Another man is dressed in black. He's angst. You get the idea. It's all very sophisticated and very Manhattan.

So anyhow, the party is well underwa...

The Old Man and the Peanuts

There was an old man whose family could no longer take care of him. So the family decided that a nursing would be appropriate. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but his family persuaded him it was the best thing he could do.

On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time layi...

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Diary of a young wife

Monday:


Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.

It's fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately."
Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned ou...

Joke on the stackexchange website (You'll only understand it if you have asked queries on the stackexchange sites)

I was trying to boil an egg and noticed some eggs cracking. So I posted the following question in the stackexchange (cooking) website

"how do you boil eggs without cracking them?"

I got the following response comment with 0 answers:

> Mod here. This is a cooking website and ...

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

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The Machine

The Machine

Two criminally insane robotics engineers, Frank and Ned, are working on their mad personal robotics projects in their jointly rented workshop. Though both are criminally insane geniuses, neither can afford to rent a warehouse of their own, so they pitch in together and share one w...

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