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A suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then ...

I am pretty sure allah is the only god

After all, the universe did start with a big explosion.

Name your kid Allah Akbar

Then lose him in the mall

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So, God, Jesus, Mohammed and Allah are having an orgy...

... Holy fuck.

A Christian, Buddhist and Muslim had a bet whose God is real

So they decided to climb on a 50 store building, jump and see who'll survive.



First goes the Muslim, he jumps and starts praying "Allah Allah Allah Allah" and he died


Next one was a Buddhist, he jump and started saying "Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha" and he survived

...

What do you call a religious crocodile?

An Allah Gator!

What did Allah say after he created the world?

Wow, that blew up fast.

What do you call a cow that believes in Allah?

a Moo-slim

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

How do we know Allah exists?

Because it all started with a big bang
(BTW this is a repost from r/darkjokes)

A devout Muslim decides to go skydiving

He jumps off the plane and when it's time to open his parachute he pulls the cord and nothing happens. As he is hurtling towards the ground, he starts praying to Allah and the prophet Muhammad for mercy. Miraculously, a giant gust of wind picks him up and and begins to slow his fall. Surprised by t...

Christian, muslim and buddhist are goingto jump from a 100 story building to see which religion is the best.

The muslim jumps first and while falling he starts repeating: "praised be Allah", gets to the 30th floor while still repeating the same and then he proceeds to splat on the ground.

The buddhist goes second and jumps and starts repeating:"Buddha, Buddha, Buddha" he gets to the 60th floor and h...

A muslim, a christian, and a buddhist compete to see who has the most powerful God by jumping off a 100 story building. Whoever survives the fall, wins.

The christian comes first. He jumps off the building and says: "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..." until he falls to the ground and dies.


Next up, the buddhist. He jumps off the building and says: "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Budda..." until he reaches an inch off the ground and floats away saf...

What did the terrorist say when he ran into the cafeteria?

ALLAH SNACKBAR!!

A long time ago, in the middle east

There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.

Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in pub...

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A Muslim father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that my son, or Allah will strike you blind."

The child says, "Abu, I'm over here."

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Religious Shit

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism: This shit happened befo...

What's a Muslims favorite answer on a multiple choice exam?

D) Allah the above

A joke I heard from my pastor last sunday

A Buddhist, a Muslim and a Christian quarrels over whose god is the most powerful. They eventually decided to have a competition by showing that their god can save them from a grave danger.

So they all went to the edge of a cliff. The buddhist said "I will jump off this cliff but as I call t...

What do you call a Muslim magician?

Allah Kazam.

Where does a Muslim learn to swim?

Inshallah water.

I have a Muslim friend with a Note 7...

It only gets awkward when he shouts "Allahu Akbar" when plugging it in.

Happy holidays?

As a man who was raised Muslim I don't want to be ambiguous and say happy holidays to people.

I say happy Allah-days.

Let them know which side of the war on Christmas I'm on.

What did the Muslim train conductor say?

Allah Board!

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

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A Muslim suicide bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.

He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon. The suicide bomber is crestfallen.

"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virg...

An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.

The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lor...

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Proper procedural Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Pathan couple decided that enough is enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fi...

So I went to a mixed religion seminar...

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused...

A Buddhist, a Christian, and a Muslim are standing on the top of a cliff.

The Buddhist says, "If I jump, Buddha will save me" and he jumps. As he's flying toward his doom, he's yelling "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!" When he is about to hit the ground, a large hand swoops in and carries him to safety.

The Christian, seeing this, says, "If Buddha saved the Buddhis...

To support a friend, I went to a non-denominational event.

As it wasn't really my thing, I sat in the back. A priest came up to me and said, "The Lord has told me, today is the day that you will walk!" A little confused, I smiled at the priest, and told him I wasn't a cripple.

A little while later, a rabbi approached me and said, "By Hashem's word, ...

What’s a terrorists favourite US state?

Allah-bama

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A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew are watching the Super Bowl.

Sitting directly behind one of the field goals, they've had the best seats in the house to a terrific contest.



With only one second left on the clock, a kicker runs up to potentially seal victory.



He kicks the ball hard and true, and it sails right between the posts, an...

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A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

Jokes about 9/11 are just plane wrong

Ill give you all a crash course later. There's allah to talk about.

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Three nuns die and go to heaven... [NSFW]

.. Peter welcomes them at the gate and says:

"Before I can let the three of you enter Heaven, I have to ask you a question. It will simply be formality for you, but I have to anyways". He approaches the first nun and asks "Do you have any sin to confess? " The nun looks down and confesses, sh...

How many people did the Islamic suicide bomber intend to kill?

Allah them.

A man jumps out of a plane while skydiving.

This joke works better in person.

As he is falling he realizes that his parachute doesn't work. So he decides to pray to Allah saying "Oh Allah please save me." Nothing happens. He then prays to God saying "Oh God please save me!" Nothing happens this time too. Finally he prays to Buddha and ...

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

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A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they start talking about how they came to their respective faiths. The Christian tells his story first: "One day I was traveling across the Atlantic Ocean when we got caught in a terrible rainstorm. I had lost complete control of the ship, so I got down on my knees and prayed to ...

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Some Religious Truths

TAOISM: Shit happens

ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?

PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else

ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason

HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say...

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Alla...

A Muslim, Buddhist and Christian stands on a rooftop.

They all have great faith towards their respective God and agreed they jump from the rooftop of a 20-storey building and that they will be saved.

So the muslim, very firm in his belief, jumped first and started calling to Allah.
He chanted "AllahAllahAllahAllahAllah....." repeatedly with g...

Yesterday an ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple

ISIS member: Are you Muslim?

Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.

ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.

Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.

ISIS member: Ok yallah go.

Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took....

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The Shah and the Vizier

Once upon a time there was a Shah and his vizier. The Shah didn't like his vizier as the vizier was a smart-ass and the Shah was looking for a way to kick him out of his palace. One day he told the vizier to make him a kebab with male ants.

"I want to know for certain that those ants are male...

Muslim Handicapped Man Devil Stoning At Hajj

A Paraplegic, one eye blind, one arm disabled and deaf muslim man goes to Hajj. During stoning of Devil;
Devil asks: What happened to your legs?
Man answers: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your arm?
M: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your ear?
M: It's w...

What’s the Islamic equivalent of cafeteria Christianity?

Allah-cart.

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A priest, an immam and a rabbi are discussing the miracles in their lives that had truly cemented their respective faiths.

The priest says "once I was out on a boat, and a storm hit. The boat was about to capsize, but when I prayed to God suddenly the oceans 100 feet around us became calm".

The immam says "that is good, but once I was in the middle of a warzone with bullets flying through the air all around me. I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some Christians, Jews and Muslims decide to settle once and for all whose God is real

They decide to each send someone to jump from a cliff while shouting their God's name to prove it and if the jumper survives then their God is indeed real


Muslims decide to go first then the Jews followed finally by Christians.


The lone Muslim man selected by his people stands...

How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?

*Allah*v them.

Three devotees decide to prove the power of their faith...

...they all decide to jump off a cliff one by one, all the while invoking the name of their chosen deity.

The first devotee, a Buddhist, proceeds to stand at the edge of the cliff and begins reciting the mora sutta. At the end of the chant he jumps and calls on Buddha three times: ***"Buddha ...

You stupid idiots; I said cover your faeces

-- Love from Allah.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Allah

Allah who?

Allah hu Akbar!

Prayers for dealing with the stress of modern life

The first one is a prayer you say in the bus/train in the morning when you can't find a seat.
I always find if I pray loud enough to Allah, I get the train to myself.

What did the Muslim do when he went to the restaurant?

He ordered Allah Carte.

Help! A terrorist is drowning!

This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina, I noticed a man running down the dock toward me dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat be...

How do terrorists like their apple pie?

Allah mode.

Intrepid Engineer

A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine.

The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud "boing."
"Praise the Lord," the Christian exults, "who in h...

Why did the Muslim only order a side of french fries?

Because he prefers his food Allah carte.

How did the Muslim enjoy her dessert?

Allah Mode

What do you call a candy store run by Isis?

The Allah Snackbar

Me: Knock knock

Friend: Who's there?

Me: Allah

Friend: Allah who?

Me: You're expecting me to say allahu akbar, don't you? But it doesn't make sense because muslims don't great each other that way and a terrorist wouldn't bother to knock on the door. In any case, why are you expecting a joke abo...

Mexican and Muslim jokes are pretty much the same.

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard allah them.

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An Islamic terrorist blows himself up and ascends to paradise.

When he gets there he's greeted by Allah and an elderly lady who immediately wraps her frail arms round the terrorist, removes her false teeth and gives him a huge sloppy kiss.

Confused, the terrorist says, "Allah, I'm sorry to question your benevolence, but I thought there would be 72 virgi...

From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...

The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.

"Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"

The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Well, when we Turks l...

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Gods on vacation

The gods were planning on where to spend their next vacations; Shiva suggested: "what about Neptune?", then Allah said: "It's too cold!"; Zeus then suggested: "Let's go to Mars!", then Buddha replied "Nah, we went there last time!". So someone spoke "What about Earth?", for God to reply: "no way, Ea...

What do you call a terrorist with a scoop of vanilla ice cream?

Allah mode.

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