Name your kid Allah Akbar

Then lose him in the mall

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then ...

What did Allah say after he created the world?

Wow, that blew up fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, God, Jesus, Mohammed and Allah are having an orgy...

... Holy fuck.

What do you call a cow that believes in Allah?

a Moo-slim

I think allah is the one true god.

I mean the universe did start with a big explosion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that my son, or Allah will strike you blind."

The child says, "Abu, I'm over here."

What do you call a religious crocodile?

An Allah Gator!

How do we know Allah exists?

Because it all started with a big bang
(BTW this is a repost from r/darkjokes)

A joke from Ukraine about cultural differences [my translation].

[edit - grammar]

In a psychological experiment, three women - Arab, French, and Ukrainian - are asked the same question: "suppose you survive a shipwreck and are stranded on an uninhabited tropical island ... with fifteen brutal, muscular, stressed-out sailors, and noone else, what would you ...

Why are Muslim youth the best at dealing with pandemics?

Because as a Quran-Teen, you always keep Allah by your self.

A Christian, Buddhist and Muslim had a bet whose God is real

So they decided to climb on a 50 store building, jump and see who'll survive.



First goes the Muslim, he jumps and starts praying "Allah Allah Allah Allah" and he died


Next one was a Buddhist, he jump and started saying "Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha" and he survived

...

A joke I heard from my pastor last sunday

A Buddhist, a Muslim and a Christian quarrels over whose god is the most powerful. They eventually decided to have a competition by showing that their god can save them from a grave danger.

So they all went to the edge of a cliff. The buddhist said "I will jump off this cliff but as I call t...

I have a Muslim friend with a Note 7...

It only gets awkward when he shouts "Allahu Akbar" when plugging it in.

Where does a Muslim learn to swim?

Inshallah water.

Three imams were walking down a road..

One day, three imams (Muslim clergy) were walking down a road, when they saw a very attractive woman wearing a short dress that showed off her shapely legs and cleavage.

The first imam immediately averted his eyes and said, "Astagfirullah!", meaning "Allah forgive me".

The second imam ...

Walk

I went to a Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religious Shit

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism: This shit happened befo...

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What’s a Muslim’s favorite pie topping?

Allah mode

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Transreligious Dinner Party

Six people are planning a dinner party: a Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Pagan, a Hindu, and an Atheist. The Atheist suggests pork chops as the main course. The Jew says, “No, we can’t have pork, YHWH strictly forbids the consumption of pork.”

The Christian says in response, “No He doesn’t! Je...

A devout Muslim decides to go skydiving

He jumps off the plane and when it's time to open his parachute he pulls the cord and nothing happens. As he is hurtling towards the ground, he starts praying to Allah and the prophet Muhammad for mercy. Miraculously, a giant gust of wind picks him up and and begins to slow his fall. Surprised by t...

What do you call a Muslim magician?

Allah Kazam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim suicide bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.

He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon. The suicide bomber is crestfallen.

"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virg...

A long time ago, in the middle east

There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.

Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in pub...

An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.

The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lor...

Not for you

A Christian Armenian man walking by the border of Armenia and Iran sees a few Iranian men pushing a car stuck in a ditch. Every time the Iranian men push they yell allah akbar! 1.. 2... 3... Allah akbarrr! As the Armenian man joins in pushing the car, the Iranians are surprised to hear the Christian...

Happy holidays?

As a man who was raised Muslim I don't want to be ambiguous and say happy holidays to people.

I say happy Allah-days.

Let them know which side of the war on Christmas I'm on.

A Buddhist, a Christian, and a Muslim are standing on the top of a cliff.

The Buddhist says, "If I jump, Buddha will save me" and he jumps. As he's flying toward his doom, he's yelling "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha!" When he is about to hit the ground, a large hand swoops in and carries him to safety.

The Christian, seeing this, says, "If Buddha saved the Buddhis...

A rabbi, a priest and an imam discuss about what they do with the money their community put into their offering bag.

The rabbi says “I draw a small circle onto the ground, then I throw all the money into the air. The coins that land in the circle I keep for myself. The rest is for Jehovah and the synagogue”

The imam replies “I do almost the same. I draw a big circle onto the group, throw the money and every...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proper procedural Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Pathan couple decided that enough is enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nuns die and go to heaven... [NSFW]

.. Peter welcomes them at the gate and says:

"Before I can let the three of you enter Heaven, I have to ask you a question. It will simply be formality for you, but I have to anyways". He approaches the first nun and asks "Do you have any sin to confess? " The nun looks down and confesses, sh...

Jokes about 9/11 are just plane wrong

Ill give you all a crash course later. There's allah to talk about.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some Religious Truths

TAOISM: Shit happens

ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening?

PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else

ATHEISTS: Shit happens for no apparent reason

HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens/ Shit happens/ Happens, happens/ Shit happens

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say...

How many people did the Islamic suicide bomber intend to kill?

Allah them.

What’s a terrorists favourite US state?

Allah-bama

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they start talking about how they came to their respective faiths. The Christian tells his story first: "One day I was traveling across the Atlantic Ocean when we got caught in a terrible rainstorm. I had lost complete control of the ship, so I got down on my knees and prayed to ...

To support a friend, I went to a non-denominational event.

As it wasn't really my thing, I sat in the back. A priest came up to me and said, "The Lord has told me, today is the day that you will walk!" A little confused, I smiled at the priest, and told him I wasn't a cripple.

A little while later, a rabbi approached me and said, "By Hashem's word, ...

Yesterday an ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple

ISIS member: Are you Muslim?

Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.

ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.

Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.

ISIS member: Ok yallah go.

Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took....

A Muslim, Buddhist and Christian stands on a rooftop.

They all have great faith towards their respective God and agreed they jump from the rooftop of a 20-storey building and that they will be saved.

So the muslim, very firm in his belief, jumped first and started calling to Allah.
He chanted "AllahAllahAllahAllahAllah....." repeatedly with g...

A man jumps out of a plane while skydiving.

This joke works better in person.

As he is falling he realizes that his parachute doesn't work. So he decides to pray to Allah saying "Oh Allah please save me." Nothing happens. He then prays to God saying "Oh God please save me!" Nothing happens this time too. Finally he prays to Buddha and ...

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Alla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, an immam and a rabbi are discussing the miracles in their lives that had truly cemented their respective faiths.

The priest says "once I was out on a boat, and a storm hit. The boat was about to capsize, but when I prayed to God suddenly the oceans 100 feet around us became calm".

The immam says "that is good, but once I was in the middle of a warzone with bullets flying through the air all around me. I...

How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?

*Allah*v them.

Three devotees decide to prove the power of their faith...

...they all decide to jump off a cliff one by one, all the while invoking the name of their chosen deity.

The first devotee, a Buddhist, proceeds to stand at the edge of the cliff and begins reciting the mora sutta. At the end of the chant he jumps and calls on Buddha three times: ***"Buddha ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some Christians, Jews and Muslims decide to settle once and for all whose God is real

They decide to each send someone to jump from a cliff while shouting their God's name to prove it and if the jumper survives then their God is indeed real


Muslims decide to go first then the Jews followed finally by Christians.


The lone Muslim man selected by his people stands...

You stupid idiots; I said cover your faeces

-- Love from Allah.

Muslim Handicapped Man Devil Stoning At Hajj

A Paraplegic, one eye blind, one arm disabled and deaf muslim man goes to Hajj. During stoning of Devil;
Devil asks: What happened to your legs?
Man answers: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your arm?
M: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your ear?
M: It's w...

What’s the Islamic equivalent of cafeteria Christianity?

Allah-cart.

Prayers for dealing with the stress of modern life

The first one is a prayer you say in the bus/train in the morning when you can't find a seat.
I always find if I pray loud enough to Allah, I get the train to myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Shah and the Vizier

Once upon a time there was a Shah and his vizier. The Shah didn't like his vizier as the vizier was a smart-ass and the Shah was looking for a way to kick him out of his palace. One day he told the vizier to make him a kebab with male ants.

"I want to know for certain that those ants are male...

Intrepid Engineer

A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine.

The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud "boing."
"Praise the Lord," the Christian exults, "who in h...

How do you order food at a Muslim restaurant?

Allah carte.

Explosive knock knock joke

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Allah"
"Allah who?"
"ALLAHU AKBAR!"

Help! A terrorist is drowning!

This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the marina, I noticed a man running down the dock toward me dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat be...

Me: Knock knock

Friend: Who's there?

Me: Allah

Friend: Allah who?

Me: You're expecting me to say allahu akbar, don't you? But it doesn't make sense because muslims don't great each other that way and a terrorist wouldn't bother to knock on the door. In any case, why are you expecting a joke abo...

Mexican and Muslim jokes are pretty much the same.

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard allah them.

Could have been me...

Sitting at a Red Light yesterday, minding my own business...patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, an...

What Did The Muslim Terminator Say?

Allah Be Back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gods on vacation

The gods were planning on where to spend their next vacations; Shiva suggested: "what about Neptune?", then Allah said: "It's too cold!"; Zeus then suggested: "Let's go to Mars!", then Buddha replied "Nah, we went there last time!". So someone spoke "What about Earth?", for God to reply: "no way, Ea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Islamic terrorist blows himself up and ascends to paradise.

When he gets there he's greeted by Allah and an elderly lady who immediately wraps her frail arms round the terrorist, removes her false teeth and gives him a huge sloppy kiss.

Confused, the terrorist says, "Allah, I'm sorry to question your benevolence, but I thought there would be 72 virgi...

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