UPJOKE
asthmapollenallergicaspirinantibiotichay fevermigraineacneinfluenzafludiseaseimmune systempeanutmedicationbacteria

If you have a cat and seem to be having allergy issues simply wash your cat three times a day

And it will leave

I have a friend who can’t seem to get her life together. I blame it on her citric acid allergy.

Every time life hands her lemons, she goes into anaphylactic shock.

I have a reverse latex allergy.

When I get a swelling I use latex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I ask my friend what the first number in Japanese is, his allergy acts up

He always says, "It's itchy."

I’m sad to report I have a bad nut allergy

Every time I eat one, I let out a little cashew

Why did the man with the peanut allergy die in prison?

He was sentenced to the nuthouse.

What's the worst thing about having a nut allergy?

Every month is No Nut November!

How do you kill a guy with a coconut allergy?

You put a bounty on his head.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone with a severe banana allergy eats a banana cream pie....

Will they go into bananaphylactic shock?

I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my own grown barley

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After yet another allergy surfaced, I decided to divorce my wife -

Most of her allergies where tolerable, but her nut allergy ruined our sex life.

"Hey bro, so I just got diagnosed with a dairy allergy."

"No whey, man."

I’m writing a screenplay about a group of criminals scheming to rob an allergy clinic.

I’m thinking of calling it “The Gesundheist”.

Why did the man with a wheat allergy eat bread?

He was a gluten for punishment.

How did the school bullies kill a kid with a nut allergy?

They would always pecan him.



Father's Day weekend Dad joke.

Doctor: “I’m afraid that it was a severe allergy that led to you suffering an anaphylactic shock.”

Patient: “Enough medical mumbo-jumbo doc. Just give it to me in a nutshell.”

It's allergy season. If my nose keeps running,

I'm going to have to buy it new shoes.

I have a severe allergy to alcohol

Whenever I drink it I breakout in handcuffs.

How do you cure a peanut allergy?

Give them peanuts

It's allergy season upon us, so remember to say "pika" before you sneeze

and if you forget, just say "bacca" after!

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting

They caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

Snake bite

Did you hear about the Australian guy who had a snake come out of the toilet and bite his sack? The guy was OK but the snake died...it had a nut allergy.

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Real or Fake???

### Real or fake

I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.


I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nutty Joke

I made this up while playing around at work, but I'm sure it's already been come up with at some point; however I would like to submit this joke:

Ask someone, "do you participate in No Nuts November?" They will either smile, look confused, or both. Then tell them that it's a peanut allergy aw...

Did you hear about the French man who could only count to seven?

He had a Huit allergy.

Earlier today I tried to count to ten in French three times. Every time I got to 7 I threw up.

I think I've got a huit allergy

I’ve never been able to count any higher than seven in French...

It turns out I’ve got a huit allergy

I was pretty sure i had nut allergy when i was kid

But my parents thought i was making it up to avoid church

TIL most females have a nut allergy.

You nut in them and they could swell for 9 months.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nut Allergy NSFWish

I think my wife has developed a nut allergy. It's been months since she knobbed me.

My ex called me today - said she wanted me to eat her out...

Had to turn her down - after her I developed allergy to nuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend came out with a...

... nasty rash where I ejaculated on her.

Apparently she has a nut allergy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor says I’m not allowed to have sex anymore

Apparently I have a nut allergy :/

I sneezed in front of my stuttering friend and said, "man, my sinuses are on fire".

"i-i-is i-i-it an-an-allergy?" he asked

I said, "no, it's a metaphor".

We threw a house party that ended badly last night, after the wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.

The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

Un deux trois quatre cinq six sept ACHOO!

Sorry, I have a wheat allergy.

"Man, my sinuses are on fire!"

"An allergy?"

"No, a metaphor".

I went to the doctors the other day because I had developed a lisp and get agitated when people don’t share

Turns out it’s just a shellfish allergy

A woman is stung by a bee on a golf course

She goes into anaphylactic shock due to an allergy and they take her to a doctor.

"Where was she stung?", asked the doctor.

"Between the first and second hole.",

"Well she may need to work on her stance."

My friend told me this one

A man was telling his girlfriends father about a surprise date he wanted to take the mans daughter on, and he wanted to know if there was anything he should be careful of.

The father said “All I can think of right now is her nut allergy”

The man replied “A nut allergy? Well there goes ...

A man has an allergic reaction...

So he decides to go to the doctor to see what the problem is. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man
"I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is you're allergic to peas, but the good news is it is curable, and with monthly treatment your allergy should be gone in about 7 years."
"Grea...

My friend died during his trip in Germany

Apparently he had an undiagnosed Guten allergy.

I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat...

“I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat. No more steaks for me.”

———“I’ve never heard of that. Is that a rare allergy.”

“No, I can’t even have it well done!”

A man was suffering from a sore eye every time he had a hot chocolate.

He went to see his eye doctor who performed tests on his eye. It was red and inflamed but the doctor couldn’t find the reason why.

Baffled, the doctor analysed the hot chocolate, and had it sent off to the best labs to see if the man was suffering from an allergy. The results all came back i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the porn star that died recently?

Apparently she had developed a nut allergy.

An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.

The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man’s wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.

“What’s happening?”

“It’s nothi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/16)

Another day has gone by. And, of course, we now have a new set of jokes. Some of these are weirder but let's begin!

Inside int'l experts believe that Kim Jong Un may have two babies by two different women. In a quick response to the rumor, President Obama has appointed a new consul to North K...

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