My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.

Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60

Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were o...

I started a band called "999 Megabytes"...

But we haven't got any gigs yet.

Everyone was seated around the table when dinner was served. When little Susie received her plate, she started eating right away.

“Susie, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” her mother reminded her.

“I don’t have to.” - The little girl replied.

“Of course you do.” - Her mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Susie explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she...

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.

Trying to get in to smaller pants.

My girlfriend started to accuse me of cheating yesterday

And now she's just starting to sound like my wife

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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

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Three days ago, I started with that new penis enlargement method where you have to put on 10 penis rings at once. And you know what: It works.

It's already turning black.

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

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My neighbors started makes sex videos.

They just don't know it yet.

People used to make fun of me because I'm fat and am always sitting. So I started jogging.

Now I'm a running joke.

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

I started dating this blonde chick last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

Steve Winwood started his solo career in 1977.

It would have happened sooner, but he was stuck in Traffic.

My dad was in the kitchen chopping onions and I started to cry.

Onions was a good boy.

Someone started a joke “So this guy was playing an EA game”

I interrupt “Good joke”

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

A ciclist who just started a farming business needs to harvest his crops, what does he do?

He buys sickles

My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'

I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming...

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This blonde woman was at a nightclub and started dancing with a big black man. Things were going well and she later invited him home. When they got inside she threw her arms around him and whispered in his ear: "I want you to prove that what they say about black men is true"

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

I wanted to revisit my childhood, so I got out Super Mario Bros. and started playing

But soon I realized, no matter how much you try, you can't go back.

My wife just started a job as a doctor. She told me she wasn't sure how the hospital's "On-Call" system ...

... so I told her she should ask an oncologist.

I've just started a Marsupial Fighting League

I've called it "Mortal Wombat"

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A college professor noted that one of his students, Dave, started getting lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

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As I got to the gym this afternoon, I started to really need to take a shit...

I walk in and go directly toward the bathrooms, straight into the first one I see. As I get in there I notice the toilet on a slant, with one side angling toward the ground... “Hmm..”
I look closer and also notice that the lid is cracked and there’s a leak with water going everywhere.

“Ve...

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I was in a bar a few months ago with a friend and these four huge bastards started mouthing off to us

"Pretend we're the Police." my friend says.
I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us.

The other night I asked my buddy how many lovers he's had. He started counting and shortly after he just fell asleep.

I still don't know how many but it's more than 15 sheep.

I have just started to read a horror novel in braille

Something bad is going to happen, i can feel it.

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick"

She said: how do you get dick from kyle?

I replied: you just ask nicely.

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A Japanese person, a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were aboard a flight when it started to crash

“The plane is too heavy, we have to lighten the load!“ the pilot exclaims. The Japanese person looks at her baggage full of computers and electronics, and drops it out of the plane. “Its ok, we have plenty of these in my country” she says.

The Canadian person follows suit and empties his lug...

What did Sonic say when he started with the Ramadan?

Gotta go fast!

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

Started working from home recently building boats in my attic...

Sails are through the roof.

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So, a teenage boy was visiting his girlfriend’s house for the first time since their relationship started a few months back

The dad: ”What is your name and what are your intentions with my daugther?”

Him: ”I’m Mahput McCockinner, and I will love her until she can’t even stand up without a walking frame”

Note: Originally posted as a comment, then as a joke here but changed cuz of unneccessary specifics. (OC ...

I've started to wonder why the UK doesn't just pick a random kid from Eton to sort out Brexit

..I mean, he's going to have to do it eventually

I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably.

I guess there is mushroom for improvement

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

My artist wife started cheating on me with a psychic...

She did say she wanted to experiment with a new medium.

I was out for a drive when the car suddenly started shuddering and the front wheel fell off.

I stopped and got out trying to figure out what the heck happened.
As I cross the front of the car I can see the tire is in the ditch by a fence that says, St Clements institute for the insane. I can plainly see that the lug nuts have all come off allowing the tire to falloff the car.
I quickl...

Today at work, a male client jumped on me and started licking me.

I work at a vet though, so it’s ok.

I joined a march today for the legalization of marijuana. Well, it started off as a march, but after a while...

...it turned into a wander.

I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.

since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

I saw my wife cutting onions today and I started crying.

Onions was a good dog.

I started a group for anonymous cycling enthusiasts.

But so far the members who’ve joined Pedalphiles seem to know nothing about bicycles in general.

Being a 40 year old man, people started scolding me when I took out my 18 year old girlfriend for dinner

I got called all sorts: creep, perv etc. I have to say, it really ruined our 10th anniversary together

I was criticizing my friend for eating poison when he started to object and then suddenly vomited...

...I said I'm glad you brought that up.

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I've been seeing my neighbour for the past few months, right up till she started to be extremely rude.

I mean who the fuck closes their blinds when they sleep.

I farted at work the other day and my coworker started trying to open the window.

It must have been a really bad one – we work on a submarine.

I recently started dating an archaeologist.

It just goes to show that they will date anything.

I started a trampoline business in Prague. Business is good...

But the Czechs keep bouncing

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Once at a gig, Bono stopped everything and asked the crowd for complete silence. He started slowly clapping his hands and he said “every time I clap my hands, a starving child in Africa dies....”

....and then one man in the crowd shouted “well then stop clapping your hands then you cunt!”

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He st...

A news chain started asking people what's their opinion on a food shortage around the world

The venezuelans asked what food is
The Europeans asked what shortage is
The americans asked what the rest of the world is
The chinese asked what an opinion is, then got arrested for asking too many questions

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

I was peacefully making an unboxing video when suddenly everybody around started thrashing me.

Guess nobody knows the trend around here at the funeral.

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My girlfriend started smoking during sex...

I guess I should start using lubricant.

What did the cop say when their stomach started growling?

Stop! You're under a vest.

My wife started getting into bodybuilding but I had to immediately divorce her

She took "cheat days" way too literally

I started eating more pasta, and suddenly became psychic...

... you could say I had *penne* for their thoughts.

My girlfriend looked at me and said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me. I just sat there, in silence.

I really enjoy watching the end credits of a movie.

My friend Jack has recently started an odd behavior. Every time I see him he starts hissing.

And then he proceeds to let me down gently.

I recently started a literature group for inmates

It's got it's prose and cons.

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

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Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the...

A physicist and a biologist started dating.

They realized there was no chemistry :(

I started a new diet; I eat fish for breakfast.

My wife doesn't like me talking about it.

I don't know who started the Notre Dame fire

But I've got a hunch.

I can never find time to work out, so I started going to the gym from 9 to 11.

That way I can *Never Forget.*

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I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

I was talking to a man with tourettes the other day and he just started shouting at me...

I don’t know what I said but something made him tick!

Since I started building dikes and levees for a living everyone is full of advice...

I tell them, "*Water* you talking about?

I just started a 2 month break from technology.

I started an hour ago. It's working out nicely so far.



Edit 1, 5/15/19: Dude I've never stuck to a goal this much.

A kid sat on my lap and started taking a nap.

I was arrested for a kidnapping.

I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team.

It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

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How does a Mom from Alabama know her daughter has started menstruating?

When her son's dick tastes like blood.

My ex-girlfriend started screaming and banging on my door at 3 in the morning.

After an hour of that noise I finally got up and let her out.

My girlfriend has started requesting ribbed, flavored, and glow-in-the-dark condoms instead of being satisfied with regular ones.

I can't keep up with the drastic changes in Lifestyles.

Did you hear about the Customs Officer who started shooting the immigration queue in Heathrow Airport?

I'm told he was borderline crazy

I started dating...

I started dating a blind girl but after a while she broke it off. Apparently she couldn't see where the relationship was headed

The police don’t know who started the fire at Notre Dame,

But Quasimodo has a hunch.

Alternate punchline: but they’ve got a hunch back at the station.

I said to a Lady at the bus stop, when is it due? She started shouting and swearing, I am not F*cking pregnant.

I replied, I was on about the bus you fat cow..

I was wearing my fedora and started itching like mad

So I switched to a beret, and nothing improved.

So I swapped it for a sombrero, and it got even worse.

Turns out I was playing a hat and louse game.

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My Math teacher went nuts today in Geometry class and started ranting about Japan, Italy, and Germany.

He said we need to know about the ex axis.

I started researching the safety of elevators.

They have their ups and downs.

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I was walking home from school when 2 thugs came and started beating the shit out of me. Suddenly, my brother shows up to help out.

Now I can't fight all three of them.

I've started investing in stocks.

Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

What did the bacteria say when the acne started developing the second time?

I'm bac.

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I started dating this danish woman and this is what happened...

I started dating this danish woman and posted a picture of us on Instagram. (I captioned it chillin with my new bae). Shortly after she saw this, she broke up with me. Turns out bae means poop in danish?!

A theif broke into my house. He started searching for money

I woke up and started searching with him.

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My wife came home and said she had the best day at work ever. I started crying.

Moral of the story folks, don’t marry a porn star

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

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When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring....

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said 'Mom'.

I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.

How the fuck did she know I was up to no good?

I started a new support group called D.A.M

Mothers Ageist Dyslexia.

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A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him...

As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her...

French investigators aren’t sure how the fire started. But Quasimodo said:

Perhaps flying water tankers could be used to put it out.

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

I was at the funeral of my friend Steve and started talking to his widow.

Me: "I'm sorry for your loss, at least he's not suffering anymore."

Her: "He was shot. The doctor said he died instantly."

Me: "I mean he doesn't have to deal with you now"

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John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray.

''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money....

Ice started to fall from the sky the other day...

Oh hail no.

I have unidirectional phobia, but I started going to support groups.

And finally I took a step in the right direction.

I recently started an explosives company.

It's only been around for a few days, but business is booming!

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