UPJOKE
begincommencekickoffinitiatebeginninggoget goingtake offinauguratestart upstartupset offintroductionmoveopening

Started Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

I started a band called 999 Megabytes

We still haven't gotten a gig.

I started a company...

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old professor started each lecture with a dirty joke.

After a real objectionable example of that one day, the
female students got together and decided that next time,
when this happens again, they will all walk out in unison.

The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he
entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Ha...

Eminem has started a vaccine company

You only get one shot

Started dating a girl.

I thought she might be the one.

But after looking through her wardrobe,

and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit,

and a Police woman's uniform,

I finally decided: If she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Midway through sex my girlfriend's phone started ringing.

"That can wait," I told her.

"Hmm...It might be my boss," she replied.

I tried to get her back into our sexual encounter. "*I'm* your boss, baby."

"Well, you don't feel like him."

I've just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is gonna happen. I can feel it.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

In my twenties, I lived in a houseboat and I started dating the girl next door.

Eventually….we drifted apart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way.

Trying to get into smaller pants.

A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old
"I think its time we started swearing.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you".
"OK" says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch"....

i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here's a joke.

There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.


As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could ...

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush.

I also pull out way to late.

I started dating a blind girl.

The hardest part was imitating her husband's voice.

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

I started an emo salsa band

We're called Hispanic at the Disco

Nobody was scared when the clown invasion started at the beach

”I mean, it’s just one boat” they said. ”How bad can it be?”.

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...

I was going to donate blood today but they started asking way too many personal questions like...

“Whose blood is this?!"

“Where did you get it?!"

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator.

I was wrong on so many levels.

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a dating site for older people.

OK Boomer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 out 5 forest fires are started by people...

Which scares the shit out of me. Because that means somewhere out there is a bear that knows how to light matches.

Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying.

Edit: [deleted]. Reposts on Reddit soon.

My friend started selling his own body parts to make money

First it was just one of his fingers to pay some bills off. When he realised how much he could make he sold even more body parts. Sitting in his mansion, rich enough to afford not to work, he asked me what I thought about him selling even more body parts.

I told him, I think you should quit w...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my grandmother started to run 5 miles a day at the age of 60

She's 83 now and we don't know where the fuck she is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend started a tattoo parlor that only accepts payment in the form of flashing.

They named it tit for tat.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

I started an internship at a strip club today

I’m being paid in exposure

I've just started a new business selling trampolines in Prague

Getting a lot of orders, but the Czechs keep bouncing.

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

I started dating a girl who identifies as a wheelie bin.

I can’t remember if I’m taking her out Wednesday or Thursday night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.

It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets off my legs.

I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a flop and nobody came.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

I started a new business.

*Really? What business are you in?*

The dry-erase whiteboard business.

*And how’s business?*

Remarkable.

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

I started a boat business in the attic.

The sails are going through the roof

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

My friend confessed to me saying that he was starting to develop a bestiality fetish...

Not wanting to kink shame him I ask “How did you get into it?”

“Well I did some research on the internet and ended up going down a rabbit hole”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

M...

I remember meeting a guy, before the days of the Internet, who wanted to try and start a new 'Joke Format' and I'm interested to see if it catches on.

It's like a 'knock knock' Joke in that you have a set-up line response sort of thing like this:

1. 'I started a new business'
2. 'Oh yeah? What business are you in'
1. 'The Rollercoaster business'
2. 'And how's business?'
1. 'it has its ups and downs'

Or

1. 'I s...

If Hooters started delivering

Would they change their name to knockers?

Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!

A man walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!"

"Before what gets started?"

"Never mind, just give me a whisky, quick!"

It sounds urgent, so the barman gives him a drink.

The customer downs it in one gulp and says, "Another...

Went to a diner with a couple I know. They started arguing.

Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by yelling at each other that I stole her fries and his cole slaw...

I've started a whisky diet.

Every morning I wake up and play tennis. Then I wun into the woods and hit a whino with my wacket. The whino gets mad and chases me which makes me wun very fast. It's whisky, but it works.

How has the Russian government started spelling Ukraine?

A-f-g-h-a-n-i-s-t-a-n.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before it starts...

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time s...

I've just started dating an anaesthesiologist

She's a real knockout

my mum just started a dating site for chickens

She'd do anything to make hens meet

I started counting my carbs.

I'm going for a high score.

My boss hates that I have started saying 'just do it'

Somehow he thinks it's inappropriate for 'suicide prevention hotline'

I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican coworkers.

It means a lot to them.

Hey, I started a new business!

“Hey, I started a new business!”

*”Really? What business are you in?”*

“We’ve been building a fleet of bakeries on wheels.”

*”And how’s business?”*

“The dough is just rolling in.”

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex

So now we use lube

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started taking Viagra for my sunburn

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheet off my legs.

My wife has been addicted to Netflix lately and has started to ignore me...

...So I went ahead and renewed the subscription for another 10 years.

A few minutes before the services started, satan appeared at the front of the church

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultima...

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."


Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxiou...

I started a new vegetarian diet last week

I hope I find another vegetarian soon.

I haven't eaten in 3 days

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.