A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

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Lately my husband has started pissing with the door open.

No modesty, no decorum. Pissing with the door open. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is when you're trying to drive.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

We had a marriage to attend at 8 pm. My wife started applying make up at 6pm

The previous day

Only after I started eating out my girlfriend did I realize she was on her period.

Egg on my face, right?

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I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman!

It's very rewarding but quite challenging...

It took me a while to get her husbands voice right!

A blonde calls her boyfriend and asks if he would come over and get her started on a jigsaw puzzle...

"What's it supposed to look like when it's done,"he asks

She replies,"according to the picture on the box,it's a rooster.

So the bf decides to go over and help.

He gets there and she takes him over to the table where all the pieces are spread out.

He looks at the pieces,t...

I’ve started a Harry Potter themed food blog.

Fantastic Feasts and Where to Find Them

I used to work in a powdered soup factory, until I started coughing up little cubes of tofu...

I was forced to retire, after being diagnosed with Miso-thelioma.

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

Terrorist groups in the Middle East have started surgically implanting improvised explosive devices inside the cattle that they drive through town on the way to market

The UN has described this practice as abominable.

Click for hint: >!(hint - say it out loud)!<

I started a successful boat-building business in the attic of my house.

Sails are going through the roof!

My deaf girlfriend started talking in her sleep again.

Nearly poked my eye out.

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route:

No problems for the first few stops.
A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.

Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said. "Big John...

Last night, a burglar broke into my house and started looking for money

I woke up, switched on the lights and helped him look.

Despite our best efforts, we didn’t find any money at all.

When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.

Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.

A friend started telling me about his new found interest in backwards origami...

I'll let you know how it all unfolds.

I started a carrot club. It's underground.

The turnip is crazy too

From my father-in-law. "Did you know the Polacks started WWII?"

"Yeah, they threw a grenade at the Germans, and the Germans pulled the pin and threw it back."

His joke not mine. I apologize to my polish friends if this offends you, and yes I'm aware his joke could better or more historically accurate.

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My neighbor put a ribbon of poop in front of his door and started rambling about the importance of scaring salespeople away when I asked to borrow some milk.

So I told him to cut the crap and let me in.

I haven't cut my hair in a long time. Initially, when it started getting a bit long, it was irritating and I doubted whether it was worth the effort. But lately it's not been so much of a hassle anymore. Maybe long hair isn't so bad after all...

Seems like it's growing on me.

I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

A mime started a fight in a bar, broke his left arm, and got arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

I started an 80's cover band with Arabic lyric translations.

We're called Quran Quran.

Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.

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So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there **Gil**, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"

I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

When Obi-Wan retired, he bought an island, he got married, he built a house, and most importantly, he started growing cannabis.

He now had a high ground.

Started investing in beef and chicken stock.

I want to be a bouillonaire.

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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

I started dancing so that I could sleep with women...

But my signature move was always a beat off.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

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PETA recently started an AD campaign against masturbation

I guess they have a problem with people beating their meat.

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I started a support group for premature ejaculators

Everyone came early

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

What did the millennial say after they successfully started the campfire?

That's lit

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I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded do...

Ever since it started to snow, all my wife does is stare through the window

I really should let her in at some point

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I just started dating a male pornstar

On our first time together I asked him to go easy,

He said "don't worry I'll just give you a pro tip"

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee.

Oh, I've tried other enemas…

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I started a group for people who cant ejaculate

But nobody came

I started a new diet where you can sleep 20 hours a day...

It’s called, you Snooze you lose

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady Two asked, "What's that?"

Lady One replied, "A condom."

Lady Two asked, "Where'd you get it?"

Lady One replied, "You can get them at any drugstore."

The n...

I've started dating a 6'9 woman recently...

We're having trouble seeing eye to eye on a lot of things however.

As a farmer, I started feeding my cows marijuana.

But, I had to sell them because the steaks were too high.

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I've started a team called "The Pigeons"

We shit on the competition.

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I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

I started dating a blind girl,

But when her friend asked her, she said she was seeing no one.

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So I started therapy today...

Apparently I exaggerate my interactions with the opposite sex and the problem stems from narcissistic thoughts that all women want me.

Or at least that’s what my new girlfriend thinks.

Bo started Pig Latin school

Bo started Pig Latin school, but he had a very hard time saying his name.

The teacher eventually kicked him out of class because he couldn't "obey."

I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.

It’s called Prose and Cons

Do you know who started the Amazon Fire?

Jeff Bezos.

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We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

I've started investing in stocks.

Mainly beef, chicken and vegetable.

You may laugh, but one day I'll be a bouillonaire!

I used to hitchhike at the side of the road, but it never got me anywhere in life. So I started hitchhiking in the middle of the road.

Which got me a free bed for a while.

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A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear...

I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…

She started asking me to move out with her.

I started a revolution once.

But I got dizzy, so i stopped.

Did you hear about that morbidly obese couple that just started dating?

They have a tonne in common.

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

What did Hagrid say to Tinkerbell when she started working at Dairy Queen?

You're a Blizzard fairy!

I was so lonely I started dating my own hand..

But last night we broke up!

On the other hand I started seeing someone else.

A few years ago, my parents started making jokes. Well, no one said they were good at it.

Apparently that's how I was born.

I just started dating a half Asian girl

Her Mom's Korean, her Dad's Korean, and she lost her legs in a horrible car accident.

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it’s fish.

The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”

“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish!?!?”

“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’roun...

I recently started seeing someone!

The doctor has since put me on medication.

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were o...

Bob moved to Australia and started working as a train driver.

So he worked as a train driver. One day, he crashed the train and all the passengers died, so he was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. However when he was put onto the electric chair, the chair didn't work, so he got released.

So Bob was released, and co...

I’ve started a business selling toilet paper and it’s going really well.

I’m on a roll.

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally...

I took the HOV lane underground, when suddenly my hands started cramping on the steering wheel.

Must be my carpool tunnel syndrome.

Everyone was seated around the table when dinner was served. When little Susie received her plate, she started eating right away.

“Susie, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” her mother reminded her.

“I don’t have to.” - The little girl replied.

“Of course you do.” - Her mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Susie explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she...

I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.

Trying to get in to smaller pants.

I recently started a band

oning all my hopes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three days ago, I started with that new penis enlargement method where you have to put on 10 penis rings at once. And you know what: It works.

It's already turning black.

When it started raining my girlfriend couldn’t help starring intently through the window.

I didn’t care though i wasn’t going to let her in.

One time in the computer lab at my school, next to one of the computers, a mouse started acting up.

So one if my classmates noticed it and said "Oh, there's no batteries in it". So he found two batteries that didn't fit in the mouse *at all* and jammed them in anyway.

Needless to say, we weren't allowed to have any more class pets after that.

I started a band called "999 Megabytes"...

But we haven't got any gigs yet.

I started dating a blind woman. It's fantastic.

However, it took me quite a long time to learn to mimic the voice of her husband.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My life has drastically changed for the better since I started eating more fiber

It really helped me get my shit together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbors started makes sex videos.

They just don't know it yet.

I’ve started playing silent tennis...

It’s a lot like regular tennis, but without the racket.

I recently started a whiskey diet,

I lost two days already.

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick"

She said: how do you get dick from kyle?

I replied: you just ask nicely.

Last night at the restaurant, it was all full, I started talking out loud on the phone...

"Come now! He's here with another woman!", 6 tables were freed!

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'

I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming...

I have started drinking my wife's breast milk.

Why drink milk from some other cow when you have one at home.

An old couple started thinking they had memory problems.

They went to the doctor and he said both of their brains seemed fine but he suggested that they take notes whenever they need to remember something. One night they were watching tv. The husband got up to go get ice cream. “Can you get me one too?” The wife asked. “Okay.” Said the husband.”Shouldn’t ...

My girlfriend started to accuse me of cheating yesterday

And now she's just starting to sound like my wife

I started dating this blonde chick last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

I started dating a homeless girl a few weeks ago and I think things are getting serious.

She’s asked me to move out with her.

R/jokes I started a business using giant yoyo’s to get water out of deep holes.

It has its ups and downs but it’s going well.

I started a business selling landmines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

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