"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are"

Ok. BTW what's my last name?

"Scissorhands"

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria were used to define a patient who is to be institutionalised.

'Well', said the Director. 'We fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient to empty the bathtub.
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. A normal person would choose the bucket.
'No,' answered the Director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.'
So what did y...

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

Define : Irony

Getting pregnant on a "pull-out" couch!

"Bigamy" is defined as having one wife too many...

Some people define "marriage" the same way.

During my trivia game, I asked the contestants to define “defenestration”.

No one got it right, so I threw that question out the window.

How do you define political correctness?

Carefully.

Define: Politics

(poli) many (tics) blood-sucking insects

Do you know the difference between "complete" and "finished"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a recent linguistic conference attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make...

How to define an erection

Different times, different measures

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever wondered why letters are used to define bra sizes?

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

I can’t define “NSFW”

But apparent HR knows it when then see it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Problem solving

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Define: Brexit

GB is acting like the drunken guest, who tells everybody on the party to fuck off, but doesn't go home, because he can't drive anymore.

TIL Zero and its operation were first defined by Hindu astronomer and mathematician Brahmagupta in 628

Thanks for nothing

At my exam on religion I was given a multiple choice question to define atheism

Eventually I checked "none of the above."

Thanks to everyone who helped me define the word 'many'

It means a lot.

I'm dyslexic, but that doesn't define me.

Dyslexics are teople poo.

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”

-Abraham Lincoln, 1933

A guy asks Alexa to define "rendezvous"...

Alexa: As a noun, rendezvous is usually defined as an agreement between two or more persons to meet at a certain time and place.

Guy: Spell it.

Alexa: It is spelled, I. T.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Define Homophobic

having or showing a dislike of or prejudice against homophones and homonyms

I’ve been ridiculed by both sides for not picking an ideology. The very fact that I can’t clearly define which way I roll seems to enrages people.

I don’t pay attention to how I put the toilet paper on.

My professor asked me to define narcissism

I said "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."

Q: A word that defines "a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism."

Sorry, this was "a riposte".

So what if I can't define armageddon

It's not like it's the end of the world!

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

Insanity defined

The definition of insanity is when you’re cheating at solitaire and a fight breaks out.

I'm so grateful to the teacher who defined the word "plethora" for me...

It meant a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Define blowjob

A Blowjob Is The Only Job In The World That Can’T Be Included In Your Resume Despite Years Of Experience And A Number Of References!

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

Did you hear about the USSR comedian who defined his self work through the success of his work?

Because in Soviet Russia you don’t make jokes, jokes make you.

The job interviewer asked me to define turnover.

I said, "That's what I do before I go to sleep."

Define true love...

Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

If I had to define the word "controlling"...

I'd make sure I got my boyfriend's approval of the definition first.

How do you define necrophilia?

The urge to crack open a cold one

I can't define "pattern matching"

...but I know it when I see it.

My body is very well-defined.

If you look under the word "obese".

Define the lecturer

Teacher to Student: Can you define the lecturer?

Student: A lecturer is person who has bad habit of speaking when someone is sleeping.

Following someone around is typically defined as "stalking"

At my university, it's defined as "finding a parking space"

Immaturity defined

Husband says to marriage counselor:
"My wife is so immature."
"Can you give me an example?" the counselor asked.
"Well, like every time I'm taking a bath she comes in and sinks all my ships."

I can tell when two words go together well to define a new thing.

I call it portmantuition.

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One day, a teacher assigns the class to find out the definition of “politics.”

One little boy in the class goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she...

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

Some words sounding similar can be confusing. For example, Entropy and Atrophy.

Entropy is simply a measure of how much the energy of atoms and molecules become more spread out in a process and can be defined in terms of statistical probabilities, whereas Atrophy, is what you get if you win something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

What’s the difference between a Gardener and an electrician?

Ask them to define the word “bulb”.

A bad math joke I came up with

A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My professor called me into his office.

"Your essays are good", he said. "But you need to come up with more reliable sources for the quotes you use."

"But sir," I started, "a man once said 'It is not the speaker that defines the merits of the words, but the words themselves.'"

He sighed. "Who did? Who said that?"
...

[Long] An old man with a broken glasses went to see an Optometrist

He bring a newspaper with him and said that he can't read.

So the optometrist checked his eyes and give him a generic reading glasses.

"Can you read now?" Asked the optometrist.

"Nope. I can't read." Said the old man promptly.

Confused the optometrist go look for differ...

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a whi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.

Doctor: I'll write virgin.

I found out my friend is addicted to math.

I should have known. All the sines were there. He had a hard time functioning, and he would go off on tangents all the time. Such a shame - he was in his prime, his life was on a great vector. He wanted to write the next 'Matrix'. But now, he can't differentiate between what is real and what is imag...

Yo mama so fat

Calculus still ain't been able to define the area under her curves

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring,

"A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.