Define asinine?

I will give her face a five and her asinine!!!

Source: Thanks Jeff Foxworthy!

I can’t define “NSFW”

But apparent HR knows it when then see it.

At my exam on religion I was given a multiple choice question to define atheism

Eventually I checked "none of the above."

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Define: Brexit

GB is acting like the drunken guest, who tells everybody on the party to fuck off, but doesn't go home, because he can't drive anymore.

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”

-Abraham Lincoln, 1933

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Have you ever wondered why letters are used to define bra sizes?

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

I’ve been ridiculed by both sides for not picking an ideology. The very fact that I can’t clearly define which way I roll seems to enrages people.

I don’t pay attention to how I put the toilet paper on.

Thanks to everyone who helped me define the word 'many'

It means a lot.

A guy asks Alexa to define "rendezvous"...

Alexa: As a noun, rendezvous is usually defined as an agreement between two or more persons to meet at a certain time and place.

Guy: Spell it.

Alexa: It is spelled, I. T.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around hi...

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

Q: A word that defines "a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism."

Sorry, this was "a riposte".

So what if I can't define armageddon

It's not like it's the end of the world!

I'm dyslexic, but that doesn't define me.

Dyslexics are teople poo.

My professor asked me to define narcissism

I said "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."

Define Irony:

The opposite of wrinkly

How do you define a bad breakup?

With respect to x.

The job interviewer asked me to define turnover.

I said, "That's what I do before I go to sleep."

Define true love...

Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

If I had to define the word "controlling"...

I'd make sure I got my boyfriend's approval of the definition first.

I can't define "pattern matching"

...but I know it when I see it.

Four people, each of them being from different professions define a kiss.

Mathematician: 2 divided by nothing.
Physicist: Expansion of the heart and contraction of the lips.
Marketing specialist: A thing which is profitable when returned back.
Economist: A thing which is high in demand but low in supply.

How do you define necrophilia?

The urge to crack open a cold one

Define the lecturer

Teacher to Student: Can you define the lecturer?

Student: A lecturer is person who has bad habit of speaking when someone is sleeping.

A bad math joke I came up with

A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able ...

I can tell when two words go together well to define a new thing.

I call it portmantuition.

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a whi...

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A man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

"Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says "Well... for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!". He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Perplex Numbers

I was talking to my physics professor the other day, and some theoretical work he did with tachyons came up. A tachyon travels faster than light, and in order to use some of the math from special relativity, one had to define what he called "perplex numbers"--numbers with negative absolute value. He...

Yo mama so fat

Calculus still ain't been able to define the area under her curves

Should You Be Institutionalized?

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria is that defines if a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtu...

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Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.

Doctor: I'll write virgin.

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At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatt...

I found out my friend is addicted to math.

I should have known. All the sines were there. He had a hard time functioning, and he would go off on tangents all the time. Such a shame - he was in his prime, his life was on a great vector. He wanted to write the next 'Matrix'. But now, he can't differentiate between what is real and what is imag...

Baby you make me wish I was good at calculus.

Cauz they ain't no limit to how much I want to define the area under your curves.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring,

"A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, are sleeping in a hotel...

The hotel catches on fire, so the engineer goes to the bathroom, fills up a couple buckets of water, and puts out the fire in his room then happily go back to sleep. The physicist calculates the center of the fire, measures out a teaspoon of water, and throws it in the center, putting out the fire a...

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are given the task to contain the largest amount of area with a limited amount of fence.

The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.

The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.

The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. ...

Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?

Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.

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My professor called me into his office.

"Your essays are good", he said. "But you need to come up with more reliable sources for the quotes you use."

"But sir," I started, "a man once said 'It is not the speaker that defines the merits of the words, but the words themselves.'"

He sighed. "Who did? Who said that?"

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

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Is what defines wether you're helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, or you're helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

A farmer, an engineer, and a mathematician are building a fence...

The farmer, drawing from his years of farming experience, tells the others about how much wood and materials they’ll need to build the pin for his sheep to graze.

The engineer, determined to find the exact amount of materials to build the fence, draws up a series of complex equations and calc...

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What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, ...

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A shepherd get interviewed for the first time on TV

The press is there to promote local products, and they ask a few random questions:

« So tell us good sir, how would you define a good day in the hills around here? »

The shepherd answers : « Well, there was this one time when one sheep got lost and we hunted it with group beats, found ...

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My English teacher once said "You know you've got a good dictionary if it has the definition for fuck".

I told him, "I can do ya better, my dad's got 40 magazines that define and show examples of it!"

A teacher asks three of his students a question

"In your own words, what does capitalism mean?"

The American student asks "What does 'define' mean?"

The Russian student asks "What does 'capitalism' mean?"

The North Korean student asks "What does 'in your own words' mean?"

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"What do you call an educated tube?" and other science jokes!

Q: What DO you call an educated tube?

A:A graduated cylinder

Q:Why did the bear dissolve in water?

A:It was polar

Q: How did the English major define microtome?
A: A small book...

Q: Why can`t you trust atoms?

A: They make up everything!

Q: Why did...

One day, at Webster Dictionary's Word Assignment Briefing...

"Nichols," Mr. Lipney, lead word assigner, said, "I'm trusting you to define plethora for next year's edition."

"Thanks Mr. Lipney," Nichols responds, beaming. "It means a lot!"

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An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...

but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses...

Socrates on jokes...

Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.

Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.

Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?

Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.

Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is abo...

"Complete" or "Finished"?

**Here's your English lesson for the day!**

**"Complete" or "Finished"?**

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the bes...

Q. Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

A. The Ultrasound Guy

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