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Define Jokes

Define pregnancy

An ova reaction to sperm

Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.

Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.

Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of the said joke?

Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.

Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
...

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Q: How do you define duodenum?

A: It’s where shit starts to get real.

How do you define trust?

Two cannibals in a 69.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

On a crucifix…why is Jesus always depicted with well defined abs?

CrossFit

Define : Irony

Getting pregnant on a "pull-out" couch!

I'm dyslexic, but that doesn't define me.

Dyslexics are teople poo.

How do you define political correctness?

Carefully.

Define asinine?

I will give her face a five and her asinine!!!

Source: Thanks Jeff Foxworthy!

How to define an erection

Different times, different measures

My professor asked me to define narcissism

I said "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."

I can’t define “NSFW”

But apparent HR knows it when then see it.

During my trivia game, I asked the contestants to define “defenestration”.

No one got it right, so I threw that question out the window.

Insanity defined

The definition of insanity is when you’re cheating at solitaire and a fight breaks out.

Teacher: You shouldn't use a word to define itself because circular definitions are not useful.

Student: Why is there a giant poster on your wall that says "No Means No"?

"Bigamy" is defined as having one wife too many...

Some people define "marriage" the same way.

Define true love...

Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

A guy asks Alexa to define "rendezvous"...

Alexa: As a noun, rendezvous is usually defined as an agreement between two or more persons to meet at a certain time and place.

Guy: Spell it.

Alexa: It is spelled, I. T.

So what if I can't define armageddon

It's not like it's the end of the world!

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Have you ever wondered why letters are used to define bra sizes?

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

I'm so grateful to the teacher who defined the word "plethora" for me...

It meant a lot.

Thanks to everyone who helped me define the word 'many'

It means a lot.

Define the lecturer

Teacher to Student: Can you define the lecturer?

Student: A lecturer is person who has bad habit of speaking when someone is sleeping.

How do you define necrophilia?

The urge to crack open a cold one

I can't define "pattern matching"

...but I know it when I see it.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a cafĂŠ during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a cafĂŠ during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...

Immaturity defined

Husband says to marriage counselor:
"My wife is so immature."
"Can you give me an example?" the counselor asked.
"Well, like every time I'm taking a bath she comes in and sinks all my ships."

The job interviewer asked me to define turnover.

I said, "That's what I do before I go to sleep."

If I had to define the word "controlling"...

I'd make sure I got my boyfriend's approval of the definition first.

My body is very well-defined.

If you look under the word "obese".

At my exam on religion I was given a multiple choice question to define atheism

Eventually I checked "none of the above."

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria were used to define a patient who is to be institutionalised.

'Well', said the Director. 'We fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient to empty the bathtub.
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. A normal person would choose the bucket.
'No,' answered the Director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.'
So what did y...

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”

-Abraham Lincoln, 1933

Following someone around is typically defined as "stalking"

At my university, it's defined as "finding a parking space"

TIL Zero and its operation were first defined by Hindu astronomer and mathematician Brahmagupta in 628

Thanks for nothing

Q: A word that defines "a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism."

Sorry, this was "a riposte".

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around hi...

A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.

The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.

The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.

The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to ...

I can tell when two words go together well to define a new thing.

I call it portmantuition.

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

Did you hear about the USSR comedian who defined his self work through the success of his work?

Because in Soviet Russia you don’t make jokes, jokes make you.

A bad math joke I came up with

A little boy sees something way up in the sky and runs to his mom to ask her what it is. She points the boy to his father and tells him to ask him so the boy runs over to his father and asks what is in the sky. The father can't answer either but points the boy to his uncle saying he should be able ...

I’ve been ridiculed by both sides for not picking an ideology. The very fact that I can’t clearly define which way I roll seems to enrages people.

I don’t pay attention to how I put the toilet paper on.

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

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My professor called me into his office.

"Your essays are good", he said. "But you need to come up with more reliable sources for the quotes you use."

"But sir," I started, "a man once said 'It is not the speaker that defines the merits of the words, but the words themselves.'"

He sighed. "Who did? Who said that?"
...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Please define "how many," "lawyer," "take," "to change," "light," and "bulb."

How do you tell the difference between a math teacher and an English teacher?

Ask them to define “hyperbolic”.

Please refrain from calling an expanded gut on a man “Dad Bod”…

It is more accurately defined as a Father Figure.

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

No dictionary has been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. But I am here to set the record straight.

When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finishe...

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Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.

Doctor: I'll write virgin.

What’s the difference between a Gardener and an electrician?

Ask them to define the word “bulb”.

I found out my friend is addicted to math.

I should have known. All the sines were there. He had a hard time functioning, and he would go off on tangents all the time. Such a shame - he was in his prime, his life was on a great vector. He wanted to write the next 'Matrix'. But now, he can't differentiate between what is real and what is imag...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

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balls

balls defines a man, if you have 1 ball you are half a man, if you have two then you're a real man, if you have three then you're even manlier, if four, HEY GET UP, SOMEONE IS FUCKING YOU !

Yo mama so fat

Calculus still ain't been able to define the area under her curves

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring,

"A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and...

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A software engineer.

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

If a pizza has a radius "z" and a depth "a"

Its volume can be defined by pi* z* z* a

Do you know the difference between "complete" and "finished"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a recent linguistic conference attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make...

I present to you the first bad joke of 2019.

How does a physicist define a woman?

A hormonic oscillator.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, ...

Baby you make me wish I was good at calculus.

Cauz they ain't no limit to how much I want to define the area under your curves.

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An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...

but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses...

Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?

Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My English teacher once said "You know you've got a good dictionary if it has the definition for fuck".

I told him, "I can do ya better, my dad's got 40 magazines that define and show examples of it!"

A teacher asks three of his students a question

"In your own words, what does capitalism mean?"

The American student asks "What does 'define' mean?"

The Russian student asks "What does 'capitalism' mean?"

The North Korean student asks "What does 'in your own words' mean?"

Some words sounding similar can be confusing. For example, Entropy and Atrophy.

Entropy is simply a measure of how much the energy of atoms and molecules become more spread out in a process and can be defined in terms of statistical probabilities, whereas Atrophy, is what you get if you win something.

A group of canned vegetables were sitting on a shelf

and one of them was twisting around and checking himself out.
"Hey!" He cried proudly. "I'm one hundred percent corn, nothing else!"
Some fancy new can of Brussels sprouts swiveled to look at him. "But who cares? You're just corn." He said witheringly.
"Well I'm not corn. I'm heirloom...

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Capitalization...

Is what defines wether you're helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, or you're helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

One day, at Webster Dictionary's Word Assignment Briefing...

"Nichols," Mr. Lipney, lead word assigner, said, "I'm trusting you to define plethora for next year's edition."

"Thanks Mr. Lipney," Nichols responds, beaming. "It means a lot!"

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, are sleeping in a hotel...

The hotel catches on fire, so the engineer goes to the bathroom, fills up a couple buckets of water, and puts out the fire in his room then happily go back to sleep. The physicist calculates the center of the fire, measures out a teaspoon of water, and throws it in the center, putting out the fire a...

Perplex Numbers

I was talking to my physics professor the other day, and some theoretical work he did with tachyons came up. A tachyon travels faster than light, and in order to use some of the math from special relativity, one had to define what he called "perplex numbers"--numbers with negative absolute value. He...

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

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