What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

Why does 1 equal 0?

cos 0 = 1

When I was in college I used to brag to girls about my 4.0...

until the day I googled it and learned that it's actually 1.3 inches below average.

What do you call a triangle with angles 42.0°, 69° and 69°?

A Nice-osceles triangle.

I bought a balloon for $0.99

How much should I sell it for after I adjust for inflation?

Did you know, that if you shout 0 loud enough it becomes 1?

See: 0!

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

To the Guy who Invented 0

Thanks for nothing.

Age 0-2: Getting your....

Age 0-2: Getting your child to talk and walk

Age 4-6: Getting them to talk and run around less

Age 15-17: Getting them to talk and move more

Why is 0.714285714285714 the perfect number?

Because it’s 5/7

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt, m8

How do you pass a test with 0?

When it's a covid-19 test.

(Just had the test and thought this was funny as a teacher. Don't know if it's the stress making me laugh)

What o‌‌ne f‌‌ood r‌‌educes a‌‌ w‌‌oman's s‌‌ex d‌‌rive b‌‌y 9‌‌0%?

Wedding c‌‌ake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

‌‌An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌0 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌ld...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male vampires account for 0% of all unexpected pregnancies.

This is because they need permission to cum inside.

Have you seen those door mats which say 192.168.0.0?

That's home.

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

Kanye West Concedes After Failing to Get 0.5% of Vote in Early Returns

Now he is an electoral college drop out

My Math teacher told me 0! = 1

But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1

A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s

I told him I knew a bit

Why does Antarctica have 0 COVID cases?

Because they are ice-o-lated

0.666

... beware the number of the millibeast.

A notoriously strict professor has a policy that if you aren't in your seat at the beginning of the exam you get a 0. No questions asked.

On the day of the final, the professor sets each of the 200 exam packets on each desk before the students arrived. When the exam began every student is present except for one. About halfway through the exam time the student walks in, takes his seat, and begins.

The professor rolls his eyes a...

How much does a eau de cologne cost?

$0.25 per fume

What is 230-220*0.5?

It's 5!

Edit :some people don't get it, try keying 5! in your calculator

Coronavirus has a ~0.2% mortality rate among young people, so in a class of 50, if everyone got it, there would be a ~10% chance of anyone dying

I nominate Jared

There’s a bloke in the pub who keeps shouting out random numbers between 0 and 36.

I think he’s got Roulette’s Syndrome.

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

How does North Korea have 0 coronacases?

They have always been on lockdown.

What concert costs $0.45?

50 Cent and Nickelback.

Solve this math problem: 230 - 220 x 0.5

You may not believe it, but the answer is 5!

0.81818181818 is not to be trusted.

he's got something to do with 9/11.

What do you call a hairdo that will get you laid exactly 0 times?

A nullet

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she wa...

Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember 1.7 to 0.2 million years ago when humans discovered that glowing hot red thing?

haha that shit was fire

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

If i had 0.50$ for every math test i failed

I would have 3.20$

if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

If I had a quarter for every time my dad beat me I would have $0.00

because I don't have a dad

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My German girlfriend likes to rate my in-bed performance from 0-10

Last night we tried anal, she kept yelling 9. That's the best I’ve ever done!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his ...

What did the 0 say to the 10?

Where did you meet the one?

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

Did you hear about the robot that reached absolute 0?

He's 0K now!

Think of a number 0 to 20.

Add 32 to it, then multiply your answer by 2. Subtract 2. Now close your eyes.

It's dark, isnt it?

Noah's Ark 2.0

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah ...

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

What happens if your blood goes up 0.2 pH?

You are BASICally dead

My friend once told me that type O blood used to be called type 0 blood

I guess he just made a type - O

I thought people would flock to my bank if I offered 0% mortgages.

But there was literally no interest.

What does a 6'0 man and 5'10 women have in common?

They're both actually 5'11

My little brother just said my IQ is 0 and that he is 300,000 times smarter than me

300,000×0 = 0

What goes from 0 to 59 in less than a minute ?

Seconds

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

If I had to eat a number from 0 to 10, I would eat 5.

I’ve heard it’s median delicious.

What do you call ice that’s at 0 kelvin?

Still water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

Archie: "Right guys, so it says 0,1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21 so the next two numbers have to be 34 and 55

Me: "You've gotta be fibbing Archie"

Why does 1 love 0?

Because he is always around.

My wife wanted something that would go 0-100 very fast for her birthday

So i gave her a scale


(0-100 in kg's)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny 1 - Grammer Nazi 0

**Johnny:** I is--



**Teacher:** No no Johnny. You must never use *is* after I. You alway use *am.* Now start again.



**Johnny:** I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

0 K, man.

What an absolute unit.

Why did 4 think that -1 and 0 were his saviors?

Because Minus One and Zero Want To Free Four

My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds...

...so I bought her a bathroom scale.

My fat girlfriend demanded that for her birthday I get her something in the driveway that goes 0-200 in 5 seconds.

Apparently a scale wasn't what she was thinking.

What do you get when you pay $0.55 to see a 50 Cent concert?

A nickel back.

My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....

... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

-0.89594417018


...


cos(789)

With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

A group of scientists and engineers teamed up to create the best and more responsive set of Breaks and Tires. That's like 120 km/h to 0 km/s in 2 seconds...

... now they need to create the strongest windshield.

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