UPJOKE
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0 Jokes

What did the 0 say to the ten?

Thanks for reading my joke.

1=0

Cos 0=1

0.666

... beware the number of the millibeast.

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

My Math teacher told me 0! = 1

But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women

Just some little maths. Solve carefully: 230 - 220 x 0.5

The answer is 5!

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his w...

A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s

I told him I knew a bit

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

A slice of apple pie is $2.5 in Jamaica and $3.0 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean :)

To the guy who invented 0...

Thanks for nothing.

Franklin 2.0

I used to collect pennies in a jar, but the jar filled up quickly. So I bought an urn.

A penny saved is a penny urned.

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

What is 230-220*0.5?

It's 5!

Edit :some people don't get it, try keying 5! in your calculator

if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

What did the 0 say to the 9?

Please put that thing away.

What did the 0 say to the 10?

Whoa, put the spear down buddy!

Aaron Rodgers is now 0-4 against the 49ers in a playoff game…

He’s also 0-3 for his vaccination shots

If i had 0.50$ for every math test i failed

I would have 3.20$

What do you call a triangle with angles 42.0°, 69° and 69°?

A Nice-osceles triangle.

A concert costs $0.45, who are performing?

50 cent and Nickelback

Have you seen those door mats which say 192.168.0.0?

That's home.

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt, m8

Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;

"That will be $0.05 please sir".

"Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too"

"Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir".

"Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps".

"0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together".

...

Age 0-2: Getting your....

Age 0-2: Getting your child to talk and walk

Age 4-6: Getting them to talk and run around less

Age 15-17: Getting them to talk and move more

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

I bought a balloon for $0.99

How much should I sell it for after I adjust for inflation?

How do you pass a test with 0?

When it's a covid-19 test.

(Just had the test and thought this was funny as a teacher. Don't know if it's the stress making me laugh)

0 K, man.

What an absolute unit.

My wife demanded I had something that went 0-200 in less than 6 seconds in the driveway for here birthday.

She woke up to find a scale.

Noah's Ark 2.0

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah ...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good percentage of my friends are Nazis...

0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

Why does Antarctica have 0 COVID cases?

Because they are ice-o-lated

Super Bowl Halftime

At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0

0.81818181818 is not to be trusted.

he's got something to do with 9/11.

In 12 months, my startup has gone from $0 in monthly revenue to 8-figures in monthly revenue.

Here's how we did it:

August 2021: $0

August 2022: $0.0000000

I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

987654321 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyui...

Some Strange jokes. 0_0

Knock, knock. Who’s there? A scientist trying to find out what makes jokes funny.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the oth...

My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds...

...so I bought her a bathroom scale.

How does North Korea have 0 coronacases?

They have always been on lockdown.

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

My wife said she wanted me to buy her something that will go from 0 to 160 in just a few seconds.

"That sounds expensive, what did you buy her?"

"A set of bathroom scales."

I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...

0-0

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

If I had a dollar for every time a girl called me unattractive I would have 0$

It’s not because I’m attractive it’s because girls won’t talk to me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male vampires account for 0% of all unexpected pregnancies.

This is because they need permission to cum inside.

What goes from 0 to 59 in less than a minute ?

Seconds

Why does 1 love 0?

Because he is always around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny 1 - Grammer Nazi 0

**Johnny:** I is--



**Teacher:** No no Johnny. You must never use *is* after I. You alway use *am.* Now start again.



**Johnny:** I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

My girlfriend is 1.0/10

I wish she didn’t have that period there

How do you get -0?

Tell 8 to remove the belt



...I'll see myself out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

0 and 1 are great friends

They're indivisible.

I didn't choose the 4.0 GPA life....

Unfortunately it didn't choose me either :|

My gf's soccer team won 1-0

She's a keeper.

Kanye West Concedes After Failing to Get 0.5% of Vote in Early Returns

Now he is an electoral college drop out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Give 0 Fucks

You know who gives 0 fucks?

Virgins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a girl dog with a pH greater then 7.0?

A basic bitch

I enjoy rating countries on a 0-10 scale

I give Nepal a solid 7.8. The score is so high, it's ground breaking

The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter

lol

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.

5x0=0

Did you hear about the robot that reached absolute 0?

He's 0K now!

What do you call ice that’s at 0 kelvin?

Still water.

Germany lost 1-0 in Russia.

This is actually an improvement, last time Germany went to Russia they lost half their country.

What happens if your blood goes up 0.2 pH?

You are BASICally dead

On a scale of 0-1...

How much do you love binary?

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