I over heard some guy bragging about his Mustang doing 0-90 in 2.5 seconds

I confronted him and asked that's gotta be in Kilometers or something. He replied no, in Decibels

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt, m8

How do you pass a test with 0?

When it's a covid-19 test.

(Just had the test and thought this was funny as a teacher. Don't know if it's the stress making me laugh)

What did 0 say to 8?

"Nice belt."

This goes out to whoever invented the 0

Thanks for nothing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male vampires account for 0% of all unexpected pregnancies.

This is because they need permission to cum inside.

Have you seen those door mats which say 192.168.0.0?

That's home.

Kanye West Concedes After Failing to Get 0.5% of Vote in Early Returns

Now he is an electoral college drop out

What o‌‌ne f‌‌ood r‌‌educes a‌‌ w‌‌oman's s‌‌ex d‌‌rive b‌‌y 9‌‌0%?

Wedding c‌‌ake.

‌‌An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌0 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌ld...

For our upcoming anniversary, my wife wanted something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

Why does Antarctica have 0 COVID cases?

Because they are ice-o-lated

A notoriously strict professor has a policy that if you aren't in your seat at the beginning of the exam you get a 0. No questions asked.

On the day of the final, the professor sets each of the 200 exam packets on each desk before the students arrived. When the exam began every student is present except for one. About halfway through the exam time the student walks in, takes his seat, and begins.

The professor rolls his eyes a...

There’s a bloke in the pub who keeps shouting out random numbers between 0 and 36.

I think he’s got Roulette’s Syndrome.

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

Solve carefully! 230-220*0.5=

You probably won't believe it but the answer is 5!

What concert costs $0.45?

50 Cent and Nickelback.

My Math teacher told me 0! = 1

But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she wa...

Coronavirus has a ~0.2% mortality rate among young people, so in a class of 50, if everyone got it, there would be a ~10% chance of anyone dying

I nominate Jared

What do you call a hairdo that will get you laid exactly 0 times?

A nullet

How does North Korea have 0 coronacases?

They have always been on lockdown.

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Solve this math problem: 230 - 220 x 0.5

You may not believe it, but the answer is 5!

A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s

I told him I knew a bit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember 1.7 to 0.2 million years ago when humans discovered that glowing hot red thing?

haha that shit was fire

What is 230-220*0.5?

It's 5!

Edit :some people don't get it, try keying 5! in your calculator

Only 0.1% of Reddit posts are original.

I am the 1%

0.666

... beware the number of the millibeast.

If I had a quarter for every time my dad beat me I would have $0.00

because I don't have a dad

Did you hear about the robot that reached absolute 0?

He's 0K now!

0.81818181818 is not to be trusted.

he's got something to do with 9/11.

What do you call a 6-sided die on which all of the sides are either marked 0 or 1?

A boolean cube.

Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women

If i had 0.50$ for every math test i failed

I would have 3.20$

if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

What happens if your blood goes up 0.2 pH?

You are BASICally dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My German girlfriend likes to rate my in-bed performance from 0-10

Last night we tried anal, she kept yelling 9. That's the best I’ve ever done!

Noah's Ark 2.0

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah ...

What did the 0 say to the 10?

Where did you meet the one?

My friend once told me that type O blood used to be called type 0 blood

I guess he just made a type - O

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

I thought people would flock to my bank if I offered 0% mortgages.

But there was literally no interest.

I stop my microwave at 0:01

to feel like a bomb disposal expert.

My little brother just said my IQ is 0 and that he is 300,000 times smarter than me

300,000×0 = 0

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she lo...

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

Think of a number 0 to 20.

Add 32 to it, then multiply your answer by 2. Subtract 2. Now close your eyes.

It's dark, isnt it?

What do you call ice that’s at 0 kelvin?

Still water.

Why does 1 love 0?

Because he is always around.

What does a 6'0 man and 5'10 women have in common?

They're both actually 5'11

If I had to eat a number from 0 to 10, I would eat 5.

I’ve heard it’s median delicious.

My wife wanted something that would go 0-100 very fast for her birthday

So i gave her a scale


(0-100 in kg's)

What goes from 0 to 59 in less than a minute ?

Seconds

Archie: "Right guys, so it says 0,1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21 so the next two numbers have to be 34 and 55

Me: "You've gotta be fibbing Archie"

A woman walks into a bank..

A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Roy...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

-0.89594417018


...


cos(789)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

Why did 4 think that -1 and 0 were his saviors?

Because Minus One and Zero Want To Free Four

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny 1 - Grammer Nazi 0

**Johnny:** I is--



**Teacher:** No no Johnny. You must never use *is* after I. You alway use *am.* Now start again.



**Johnny:** I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

What do you get when you pay $0.55 to see a 50 Cent concert?

A nickel back.

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

0 K, man.

What an absolute unit.

If I bought a balloon for $0.99...

How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

My fat girlfriend demanded that for her birthday I get her something in the driveway that goes 0-200 in 5 seconds.

Apparently a scale wasn't what she was thinking.

For my birthday I wanted something that could go 0-200 in 5 seconds or less. My wife said she had the perfect gift idea

A bathroom scale wasn’t what I had in mind

With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.

A mathematician, a biologist and a statistician sat at a bar

Across the street they saw a man and a woman enter a building. 30 minutes later the man and the woman appears with a child.

The statistician said that this is clearly a case of faulty data. There is more information here than we have.

Nonsense, said the biologist. Clearly this is a sim...

A group of scientists and engineers teamed up to create the best and more responsive set of Breaks and Tires. That's like 120 km/h to 0 km/s in 2 seconds...

... now they need to create the strongest windshield.

My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....

... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

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