UPJOKE
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Can February March?

No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today

Sometimes February feels like it will last forever...

But time Marches on.

February is ending today, but that's okay.

We'll March on.

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.

edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.

Women are happier in February

A social media researcher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Have you ever noticed that women complain less in the month of February?" he asks the bartender. "Really?" the bartender asks. "I hadn't noticed. Is it because of Valentine's Day?" "No," the researcher replies. "Near as we can tell we've...

Can February March?

No, but April May.

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.


One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

February 2nd and the groundhog arises from its hole to see a shadow…

the shadow of my front left tire…six more weeks of winter but not for him…

I can't wait for Tuesday, February 22, 2022 (2/22/22). .

We can call it... 2's day

What does Tom Cruise and the month of February have in common?

They are both short

It is Wednesday, February 15th 2023. Happy Humpday everyone.

Opps, my bad... humpday was February 14th, wasn't it?

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?

February 14th

Why should you eat pork sausage on February 2nd?

Because it is ground hog day.

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

How many Seconds are in a year?

12!

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

Researchers have found that men complain less in the month of February.

Because it only has 28 days.

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A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

My dad hasn't spoken to me since February

Sure, death could explain it, but I always thought if you really loved someone, you'd find a way.

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February 15th - the Aftermath reminded me of a joke

When I saw a [thread](http://imgur.com/yKGB2Z6) on the aftermath of Valentines Day it reminded me of a joke - goes like this.

Boy walks into a pharmacy and walks over near the condom aisle passing by a few time looking very nervous. The pharmacist, a male, decides to take mercy on him and wal...

February is Eczema awareness month....

I am raising money by selling scratch cards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his teenage son is walking through the pharmacy.

As they walk past the condom rack, the son notices they come in different packs. A pack of 3, a pack of 6, and a pack of 12.

"Dad, why are condoms sold in packs like that? Like, what's the 3-pack for?"

"Well Son, the different packs are for different men. The 3-pack is for college boys...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A special day in February

I asked my 10 year old niece what special day is coming up in February.

"President's Day."

"What does President's Day mean?" I expected her to tell me something about Obama or Bush or Clinton.

Instead, she says, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House...

What's the Difference Between February 14th and July 4th?

There isn't any, at least to me, because they're both Independence Day.

A man starts his new job at an insane asylum

He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions.

“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?”

“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The direct...

February 10th should be National Fart Day.

Because it's 2/10.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which month do men jerk off the least?

February. Because it’s the shortest

I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.

Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.

2020 has a new calendar out

January

February

Lockdown

December

TIL that October is Dwarfism awareness month.

This surprised me, because I'd have thought it would have been February...

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

February 1st, 1234 AD must’ve been the birth of the worlds best drummer

One / two / one two three four!

There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September

It's the dictionary

The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ...

They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing.

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What would be the female equivalent of No Nut November?

Get your alliteration skills on people. So far I've come up with Dildo Denial December or Forbidden Fingering February,

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Mickey wakes up on February 6th.

Looking out his castle window, he sees that it has snowed during the night. But as he looks down right under the window in huge yellow letters is the words " Mickey sucks dick." in the snow. So being offend he call the police, they take samples of the yellow snow and leave.

Two days later the...

Will February March?

No, but April May :')

Sorry, IDK if this was posted before.

And yes, I know it's bad.

My son is a man trapped in a woman's body

he'll be born in February

How many days are there in Canadian February?

About Twenty, eh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. ...

Gianna, a beautiful woman, was in the midst of a love triangle with two best friends, Nathan and Joel

Obviously this caused tension between the besties, and as such also troubled Gianna - she liked each one equally.

So on the 11th of February, she spoke to the two lovestruck rivals and challenged them.

"On Valentine's Day, each of you will get me a card - no gift, only a card. The one ...

Why do women talk less in february?

Cause there's only 28 days

We should have February 29th every year

Statistically it's the day the fewest people die so why only have it 1/4 of the time?

I've started a society for anti-social people

Our first meeting is on 30th February

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her

I said- "Back in 02."

It sounds much better than "February"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Counting CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday an...

Who was the funniest pope in history?

**Pope Hilarius** (or **Hilary**) was the bishop of Rome from 19 November 461 to his death on 29 February 468.

My wife's panties are labelled 'Monday', 'Tuesday', 'Wednesday' ...

My underwear is labelled 'January', February', 'March'...

Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year

Hers is in February and mine in July

Ole goes to heaven

So one day ole passed away and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter said "In order to get into heaven, you have to answer 3 questions. if you correctly answer them, you can enter heaven."

ole said "well alright, whats the first question?"

Peter replied "the first question ...

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

There once was a powerful king.

There once was a powerful king who wanted to hire a different court jester for each month of the year. His financial advisor said that it would be best to only get 11 jesters, and simply have one repeat months. The king agreed and 11 court jesters were hired.

Months roll by and everything is...

You may have heard of No Nut November

But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February

This is the Alaska State Police.

Where were you during the night of November 14th to February 12th?

my friend bought tickets for the super bowl Llll on February 3rd 2019 in Atlanta not realizing that it is also the day of his marriage. so if someone is interested

The church is in Rochester, the womens name is Clarissa

She called me "Fevereiro"

I started dating this gorgeous Brazilian girl.

One night, right after having slept with her for the first time, she started to call me *Fevereiro*.

I felt that nickname had a really cool latin vibe, so I went along with it.



After a few weeks, I asked her, "By the way, h...

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at the supermarket with his 7 year old son when they walk past the condoms

The boy asks: 'Daddy, what are those?', to which the man replies 'Those are condoms son'. 'What are they for?', asks the boy. His dad replies 'To, ehhm ah eh, protect you from diseases'.
'Why do they sell them in packs of 3, 6 and 12?'.
'Well, the packs of 3 are for 16 year olds. One for fri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?

I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.

Year 2020 passed like a kid reciting the alphabet.

January — ABCD...


February — EFG...


March — HIJK...


April to December — ELEMENOP.

Growing Up

My son, Bob, was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now ...

Glass half full

Optimist thinks the glass is 1/2 full.

Pessimist thinks the glass is 1/2 empty.

Excel knows the glass is February the 1st.

When's a frogs birthday?

February 29th

Two’s Day motivation

February 22nd, 2022 falls on a Tuesday. 2/22/22 will be a two’s day and that’s really got me going in life, lol.

Gosh time is moving so slowly

Seems like the longest February in a while

Many people will be celebrating alentines ay this year.

It's for the people who won't be getting any v or d this February 14th.

My family is full of neatfreaks

They have their entire wardrobe planned out for the week.

They even labled their underwear "Monday", "Tuesday", "Wednesday", etc.

I decided I wanna do this too to try to be a little neater so I started labeling my underwear, too

Right now, I'm wearing February

My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February.

I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.

2020 was an interesting leap year

There was 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April

If you have to schedule a meeting with a person or people you do not like, here are some days to tell them, no manner what year...

February 30th

April 31st

June 31st

September 31st

November 31st

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust...

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust, exclaiming:

"I can't believe it's February and I'm still writing B.C. on all of my checks!"

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

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