"Who said February was a commercial break?"

2020 had us in the first month, ngl.

If january threw a parade would february march?

no but april may!

February 1st, 1234 AD must’ve been the birth of the worlds best drummer

One / two / one two three four!

Can February March?

No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today

What's the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak?

February 14th

When's a frogs birthday?

February 29th

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.

edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.

How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.

How many qualitative psychologists does it take?

_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.

Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an A...

Do you have a date for Valentine's Day

Yes, it's February 14th.

Gosh time is moving so slowly

Seems like the longest February in a while

My family is full of neatfreaks

They have their entire wardrobe planned out for the week.

They even labled their underwear "Monday", "Tuesday", "Wednesday", etc.

I decided I wanna do this too to try to be a little neater so I started labeling my underwear, too

Right now, I'm wearing February

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny sees the condom display at the drug store



And he asks his dad, "Why is there a three pack?"

Dad says, "That's for when you're in high school, Johnny: two for Friday night, one for Saturday night."

Johnny says, "Ok. Well, what about the pack with six?"

Dad says "That's for when you're in college: two for Friday n...

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.

He’ll be born in February.

There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September

It's the dictionary

Many people will be celebrating alentines ay this year.

It's for the people who won't be getting any v or d this February 14th.

I just got a date for Valentine’s Day!

Apparently it’s tomorrow, February 14.

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well, says the director, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. If...

The date for Superbowl 2020 has been announced as Sunday, February 2 ...

They haven't yet announced who the Patriots will be playing.

What's the Difference Between February 14th and July 4th?

There isn't any, at least to me, because they're both Independence Day.

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been ad...

We should have February 29th every year

Statistically it's the day the fewest people die so why only have it 1/4 of the time?

The rabbit

A man was driving on a back country road as he usually did coming home from work. The February weather was quite cold, but in the distance he saw a car on the side of the road. As he got closer he noticed a woman, however she didn't look hurt, and the car was parked nicely. Puzzled why she was outsi...

Which is the month in which women talk the least?

February... because it has the least number of days

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A special day in February

I asked my 10 year old niece what special day is coming up in February.

"President's Day."

"What does President's Day mean?" I expected her to tell me something about Obama or Bush or Clinton.

Instead, she says, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House...

You may have heard of No Nut November

But after I came twice in April what I’m really hoping for is a No Fetus February

February 10th should be National Fart Day.

Because it's 2/10.

I can't wait for Tuesday, February 22, 2022 (2/22/22). .

We can call it... 2's day

February is ending today, but that's okay.

We'll March on.

my friend bought tickets for the super bowl Llll on February 3rd 2019 in Atlanta not realizing that it is also the day of his marriage. so if someone is interested

The church is in Rochester, the womens name is Clarissa

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events

Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her

I said- "Back in 02."

It sounds much better than "February"

Will February March?

No, but April May :')

Sorry, IDK if this was posted before.

And yes, I know it's bad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Sunday morning in the middle of a blizzard

One Sunday morning in February, the young new pastor slowly made his way to the rural church in the middle of a blizzard, arriving with just five minutes to spare. He walked in, turned on the lights and looked around. No one else was there.

As he was about to turn everything off and go back...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

February 15th - the Aftermath reminded me of a joke

When I saw a [thread](http://imgur.com/yKGB2Z6) on the aftermath of Valentines Day it reminded me of a joke - goes like this.

Boy walks into a pharmacy and walks over near the condom aisle passing by a few time looking very nervous. The pharmacist, a male, decides to take mercy on him and wal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

Why there should be a February 30th

So dentists can have a day to celebrate

Gianna, a beautiful woman, was in the midst of a love triangle with two best friends, Nathan and Joel

Obviously this caused tension between the besties, and as such also troubled Gianna - she liked each one equally.

So on the 11th of February, she spoke to the two lovestruck rivals and challenged them.

"On Valentine's Day, each of you will get me a card - no gift, only a card. The one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. ...

This is the Alaska State Police.

Where were you during the night of November 14th to February 12th?

For those without a date for Valentines Day...

I have one for you!

It’s February 14th.

You’re welcome! Enjoy it!

If you have to schedule a meeting with a person or people you do not like, here are some days to tell them, no manner what year...

February 30th

April 31st

June 31st

September 31st

November 31st

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Nut November.

Guess it prepares me for Dick Devouring December, Johnson Jumping January, Fuck Frenzy February, Manic Masturbation March, All Anal April, My Magical May, Just Jizz June, Jimmy Jacking July, Arse Adventure August, Stained Sheets September and my all time favourite Oral Only October.

4th July

If the 4th of July is independence Day, why isn't 17th February Shawshank redemption day? It was a much better film.

Court Hearing in Helsinki

The judge questions the culprit:
"Where have you been in the night of the 4th November to 11th February?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s a 12-floor building

The first floor is named January
Second floor is February
Third is March
Forth is April
Fifth is May
Sixth is June
Seventh -July
Eight - August
Ninth - September
Tenth October
Eleventh November
And finally the twelfth floor is named December.

How do ...

Joke from a 1920s Australian Newspaper

**Diplomacy**

Uncle to nephew playing a game of War with a companion: "If you take the fortress within a quarter of an hour, I'll give you a sixpence."

Youngster (a minute later): "Uncle, sixpence please, the fortress is taken."

Uncle: "How did you manage it so quickly?"

...

A blonde takes part in a game show

[Disclaimer: I don't know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, 'cause it's actually a pretty fun "story"]

First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last?

a) 99 years

b) 116 years

c) 100 years

d) 150 years<...

Ole goes to heaven

So one day ole passed away and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter said "In order to get into heaven, you have to answer 3 questions. if you correctly answer them, you can enter heaven."

ole said "well alright, whats the first question?"

Peter replied "the first question ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Warning, Shopping at Home Depot!

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happ...

Two men are sitting in a bar

'Hey, when were you born?' asks the first man.

'3rd of February 1961,' replies the second.

'Interesting, that's when I was born too! Where were you born?'

'In Seattle.'

'That's weird, I was born in Seattle as well,' exclaims the first man. 'Where did you go to school?'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at the supermarket with his 7 year old son when they walk past the condoms

The boy asks: 'Daddy, what are those?', to which the man replies 'Those are condoms son'. 'What are they for?', asks the boy. His dad replies 'To, ehhm ah eh, protect you from diseases'.
'Why do they sell them in packs of 3, 6 and 12?'.
'Well, the packs of 3 are for 16 year olds. One for fri...

The Generic Ethnic Joke

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes ...

Birthday

The Judge asks the defendant, “When is your birthday Mr McKenzie?“ 
-
“February 20th, Your Honor.”
-
“And what year?”
-
“Every year, Your Honor"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

Apr...

Irish guy in a pub...

Irish guy named Shaughn walks into a bar in County Clare. He orders three beers, sits by himself, and drinks them. The pub keeper thinks it is strange but doesn't say anything. He does this every afternoon for the next 6 months. He comes in, orders three beers, and drinks them by himself. Finally th...

God's First Name

This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter is standing at the gate. He says, "If you can answer these three questions I will let you in to heaven. First, how many seconds are in a year? Second, how many days of the week have a 'T' in them? Third, what is God's first name? You ha...

A pretty Killer joke.

In high school I had two girlfriends. The first was a nice girl with a twin brother who I dated for a couple weeks starting on Valentines day, before "it wasn't working out". She was as gorgeous as her brother was handsome, and they could have anybody they wanted, so I was more shocked when she agre...

Hillbilly tries to get into Heaven

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. “Are you ready?” St. Peter asked?

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugge...

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust...

Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust, exclaiming:

"I can't believe it's February and I'm still writing B.C. on all of my checks!"

Corny jokes!

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

A: Because it's two-tired.


Q: What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises?

A: It becomes daytrogen.


Q: Where did Noah keep his bees?

A: In the Ark Hives!


Q: Can February March?

A: No, but Apri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old jokes about Russians ..from Soviet times... from Lithuania.

Few Days after Jurij Gagarin went to space and was the first human who ever made it into space, in a small village a man is visiting his neighbour.

"Jonai ! Did you read that ? The Russians now went into Space!"

his neighbour got big eyes, happiness came over his face and he asked bac...

Joke from WWII: The USSR's three greatest generals.

What're the names of the USSR's three greatest generals? December, January, and February!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day at school, me and my twin sister were put in the same English class.

The teacher then asked everyone to give one interesting fact about themselves.

'I'm actually a twin, and me and Jem were born on the 23rd of February making us Pisces.' I said.

'Jem and I' responded the teacher.

'No, definitely Pisces' I said.

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