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January Jokes

True story.....Back on January 9th, a group of HELL'S ANGELS

, SouthCarolina bikers were riding East on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the r...

Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?

Because it's only the first date.

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.

Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

How many Excel users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Monday January 01, 1900

I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th...

Because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons.

Why do January 6 deniers never last very long in Dungeons & Dragons campaigns?

They always fail their Constitution checks.

Liz Cheney will agree to dismantle the January 6 Commission under one condition

That is if Donald Trump can go on a hunting trip with her Dad.

I started dry January, before January.

I am proud to say, I've been sober now for 43 days.


Not in a row or anything just in total.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies.

January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies. Just last month a rebel group called the Sons of Liberty caused a ruckus in Boston about tea being taxed too high. Tax collectors tarred and feathered. High anti royalist sentiment. William Cotillion, King George's personal advisor to the colo...

It is January 2017, and Barack Obama is giving Donald Trump a tour of the White House...

... when they come across an outdoor running track in the courtyard.


Trump asks "Why is this here?" To which Obama explains that since Lincoln, the United States has been secretly tracking how fast Presidents can run one mile - averaging about 10 minutes. Trump thinks for a second and t...

Best January Joke I heard so far

Yesterday my friends dropped by my place without warning for a cup of tea.
The wife pulled me aside & said, "There's no sugar in the house, how can I serve tea?"
I winked at her & said, "Make tea without sugar for all, leave the rest to me."

As soon as the tea was served then i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his teenage son is walking through the pharmacy.

As they walk past the condom rack, the son notices they come in different packs. A pack of 3, a pack of 6, and a pack of 12.

"Dad, why are condoms sold in packs like that? Like, what's the 3-pack for?"

"Well Son, the different packs are for different men. The 3-pack is for college boys...

I gave up drinking alcohol on the 1st of January. It's better for your health.

And it's only one day a year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

I think Christmas should be moved to January.

The stores are less crowded and everything is on sale.

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dollar for a dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirty joke." Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"

Me: "John"

Homeless man: "So Johnny, there is blac...

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

How many Seconds are in a year?

12!

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

I can't wait until January 1st, 2021.

That way I can say hindsight is really 20/20!

What's Joe doing until January 20th?

BIDEN his time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As of the 25th of January, viagra is going to be sold by its chemical name.

Ask your pharmacist for mycoxaflopin.

When I woke up on January 1st, I was surprised to see that my wife looked very pixelated.

She saw the expression of confusion on my face and said, "oh, don't worry honey, this is just my new year's resolution"

Going 20 years sober on January 5th!

It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January. I drink on all of the other days.

Can January March?

No, but April May

Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

Q: When does January end?

A: February 1st


Q: When does March end?

A: April 1st

Q: When does May end?

A: June 7th

Did you hear that actress Tuesday Weld was involved in a love triangle with golfers Davis Love The Third and Don January?

She became pregnant and didn’t know whose kid it was so she named it Tuesday January The Third.

The cold January Month is making life difficult for the couple

The German wife says "I so desperately wish for April"

The Husband though thoughtful of their economic toils consoles her and says he'll try everything he can.

The husband comes home gaily one day and proclaims "Here's your Pril"

Is the glass 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?

Optimist: The glass is half full
Pessimist: The glass is half empty
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

January 20, 2017

The day America expires.

Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be resigning as the President of Russia in January

He Putin his two month notice

One cold January morning

On a cold January morning a funeral was being held for a man who passed away. After the service the pal barers are caring the coffin out of the church. As they walk down the steps one man slips and loses his grip on the casket causing the others to lose their grips. The coffin goes sliding down the...

Trump will still be president of The United States after January 20th

He's having Rudy draw up the paperwork to form The United States Total Landscaping Co. as we speak!

One sunny day in January 2021, an older man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a parch bench

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with president trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old ...

Johnson's plan for Brexit in January leaked:

He'll be on vacation in France.

Christmas gifts will be delivered on January 8 this year instead of December 25

Santa has been asked to quarantine for 14 days.

I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Years Resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.

My feet have never looked better.

The date is 20 January 2017.

The date is 20 January 2017. Donald Trump has just been sworn in as President. He walks to the mic for his inauguration speech. He looks at Obama and says "You're Fired"

A historian, a journalist, and a political scientist walk into a bar on January 23, 1993...

[Citation Needed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1 dollar for dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “asstasticbum”

Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, the...

EVICTED FAMILY NEEDS HELP MOVING! MUST BE OUT BY JANUARY 20th!

Please send any unneeded moving supplies to:

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW

Washington, DC 20500

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

The first thing I’m gonna say on January 1, 2021 is...

Hindsight is 2020.

The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...

A KGB agent walks up to order and says, “One vodka, please.”

The woman at the register looks and says, “Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don’t serve vodka.”

The KGB agent looks surprised and says, “Excuse my mistake, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.”

There's a place where January comes after February and December comes before September

It's the dictionary

Dry January is going really well.

Even if everyone keeps saying that I need to shower.

It's only January 1st, but I already know what I'm doing next year.

I have 2020 vision.

January 4th is the commemoration of Schrodinger's death...

But since he's is in a box, we are not sure.

I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.

It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On January 1st I joked to my wife we haven’t had sex all year.

Just like last year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.

“Hmm…” Sherlock ponders, “I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6’ 1”, was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.”

Watson was completely confused by his partner’s deduction.

“How could you possibly get all that from just a button?”

“Eleme...

2020 has a new calendar out

January

February

Lockdown

December

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my d...

What did people say in January, to celebrate Van Gogh's new prosthetic?

Happy New Ear!

This Date in History: January 28, 1521. The Diet of Worms begins

and lasts until people get tired of eating worms.

On January 13, 2018, everyone in Hawaii was mad about the malfunction of the early warning system, the fools…

Hawaii IS the early warning system…

When will mark zuckerberg die?

January 19 2038 of course

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM

A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.

While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it coul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

January 1974, morning: Nixon looks out onto the South Lawn of the White House. In the freshly fallen snow, someone has written in piss: "Fuck Nixon".

Nixon calls in William Colby from the CIA to investigate. After a couple of days, Colby calls Nixon with the results of the CIA's investigation. "Dick, I have bad news and worse news."

"Oh, Jesus, Bill, what do you mean?"

"Well, we took urine samples of everyone who has access to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Counting CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday an...

When it gets to January, I’m going to overthrow the Government!

It’ll be my new year’s Revolution

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

Two groups of archers were in a battle.

the account of the battle was poorly translated through Spanish and went like this:

one group of archers fired rice at the other.

each of the archers in the second group was hit by January.

one lone surviving sad archer in the second group fired back a single wide brimmed hat....

I'm starting a new business tomorrow.

It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.

I'm calling it, "Resolutions."

They've finally reached a Covid Stimulus deal!

It includes a direct payment of $40 in Kohl's Cash that will be valid from January 3 - January 7, 2021.

A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions

So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd

Obama's no longer President

January 21,2017 an old man walks up to White House gate and tells security guard: "I want to see President Obama."
Very patiently the guard says: "He's not President anymore." The old man quietly walks away.
January 22 same old man walks up to the gate and says: "I want to see President Obama....

My wife's panties are labelled 'Monday', 'Tuesday', 'Wednesday' ...

My underwear is labelled 'January', February', 'March'...

Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It’s may.

Student: No, it’s January

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at the supermarket with his 7 year old son when they walk past the condoms

The boy asks: 'Daddy, what are those?', to which the man replies 'Those are condoms son'. 'What are they for?', asks the boy. His dad replies 'To, ehhm ah eh, protect you from diseases'.
'Why do they sell them in packs of 3, 6 and 12?'.
'Well, the packs of 3 are for 16 year olds. One for fri...

A letter from Walmart

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

Joe Biden is not my president!!

At least not till January which won’t come soon enough.

Does anyone recall the guy in the superhero outfit at the Capitol on January 6th?

He was on the far right.

The FBI recently found a common link amoung those that stormed the capital on the January 6th riots.

Turns out they all shop at Traitor Joes.

Year 2020 passed like a kid reciting the alphabet.

January — ABCD...


February — EFG...


March — HIJK...


April to December — ELEMENOP.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last year, one of my new year resolutions was too stop being so arrogant and cocky

Realised a week into January I didn't need to bother because I am already perfect

My friend Jack …

… woke up on January 1st 2021, glanced over at his wife Edna and was suprised to see that she looked weirdly pixelated.


“Oh my god!” he yelped with a look of confusion and growing concern on his face, “What happened last night?!”


Seeing his expression, Edna reached over to ...

This lock-down has brought my family together.

I have just found out, my mother in law died last January.

My Grandma and Grandad beat the Coronavirus....

My grandma died last year in January and my grandad died 4 years ago.

(Overheard at work) I'm not saying 2020 has been a long year...

But we just celebrated my son's third birthday and he was born in January.

The weather in London is crazy right now.

It's the middle of January, but it feels like the end of May.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Amish

An Amish woman and her 18 year old daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold
blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are
freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs,
the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and a Muslim walk into the White House...

hopefully on January 20, 2021.

There's a new drinking game that you can play.

You can only take a shot when Manchester United do.

It's called dry January.

What do trump and a Christmas tree both have in common ?

They both get thrown out in January

Everyone in 2020: this is the worst year ever, I can’t wait for 2021

January 2021: U.S. Capitol building attacked, Hank Aaron dead, Larry King dead

A flying saucer landed in my backyard and little green men came out. They demanded "TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER".

What the hell am I supposed to tell them? That we won't have a leader until January 20th ?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

What does Trump have in common with winter holiday decorations?

Both can fu k off in January.

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