October Jokes - 89 Hilarious October Jokes

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

TIL that October is Dwarfism awareness month.

This surprised me, because I'd have thought it would have been February...

October is ADHD awareness month.

Appropriately enough it is also fire prevention month, breast cancer awareness month, the first couple of weeks are part of Hispanic heritage month and and some other things that I forgot.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

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It was October and the Native Americans on a remote reservation...

asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he tol...

Last October, I was walking through the cemetery.

I came across a trash can where someone had thrown out their Kraft Halloween monster themed mac and cheese...

It was the mac.

It was the monster mac.

the monster mac

was in the graveyard trash.

Thanks mom for this more obscure one

It’s finally October, and you know what that means!

Americans might actually start wearing masks.

I always carry a stone with me that I use to throw at people who play Christmas music in October.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

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OnlyFans has just announced that it is removing all pornography on october 1st.

I suggested they change their name to LonelyFans, but i dunno

In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ...

the entire story is the sub-plot.

Everyone argues over writing dates 2 October or October 2, either way

10/2 your own damn business.

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Soviet joke: A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution.

The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution.

For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes.

And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known thr...

October 10th was such a great day

10/10

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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

How do you get onlyfans for free after October?

Use Instagram

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Sex in October is...

The leading cause of Cancers.

(Yes, I made this joke the other way round, but maybe this is easier to get, and more enticing a subject line)

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What do you call a porno made in October

A whorror movie

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Bad news for dyslexics on the 28th October

Your cocks go black

On the the 31st of October...

A group of friends were playing with an Ouija board in the attic of one of their houses. They lit 4 candles around the board and placed their hands on the planchet.

One of them asks: "Oh spirit of the board, how will I die?"
Silence followed...

Another asks: "Oh spirit of the boar...

One day in October, Humpty Dumpty went to the clothes store...

He picks out a nice sweater, a couple pair of socks, a coat, etc. He pays for them and leaves. He heads out and goes to get groceries, and buys milk, eggs, tuna fish, matches, and a single pumpkin. On his way home now, he sees a stray cat in the cold. Feeling charitable, he offers it some tuna fish,...

How many Seconds are in a year?

12!

January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

Did you guys know that according to scientists, in October the mitochondria turns into the frightochondria

And becomes the haunted house of the cell

I’d like to thank all the girls on Tinder for helping to make my October extra spooky…

All that ghosting really got me in the Halloween spirit.

I can’t believe it’s already October 35th

I am NOT looking forward to No Nut November

an upvote in october is an "updoot". whats for november?

an "upnoot" (go easy. first timer here)

It's October 1st and we all know what that means to stores around the world.

*"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."*

October is Eczema Awareness Month

So I'm raising money by selling scratch cards.

I can’t believe people are letting fireworks off in October!

It’s scared the dog so badly he’s knocked the Christmas tree over.

What is a clinical trial done in October called?

a trick or treatment.

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With it being October, I thought I'd tell y'all about the time I had sex in a cornmaze

It was a-maizeing.

A blonde takes part in a game show

[Disclaimer: I don't know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, 'cause it's actually a pretty fun "story"]

First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last?

a) 99 years

b) 116 years

c) 100 years

d) 150 years<...

Why does Alabama love the month of October?

Because the get to pumpkin

What do burn victims celebrate on October 31st?

Aloe-ween

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On October 31st, we will have a full moon, and the 7th planet from the sun will be its brightest...

So when someone sees the moon that day, they will likely see Uranus too...

Apparently I was supposed to wait until October 31st to dress up like a ghost.

Guess I spook too soon.

To be sure to not miss any of the Russian dialog in the movie,Hunt for Red October.

Make sure the SUB titles are turned on.

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DIARY of a POMMIE EXPAT in AUSTRALIA

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally...

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II

# Alaska

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'

Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous va...

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I just got an e-mail saying "On the occasion of Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) birthday, please be advised that xxx office will be closed on Thursday,29th October 2020.."

So tempted to reply "Pics or it didn't happen".

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Today i asked the hot girl in my neighbourhood what are her Plans for next month

She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited for October

A little son asks his father what a communism is...

...and the father starts explaining:

"Well, son, once upon a time there was this man named Lenin, except his real name was Uljanov. He had a friend named Stalin, except he wasn't his friend and his name was Dzugashvili. They started the October revolution, except it wasn't a revolution, it wa...

October is finally here...

Can somebody finally wake Billie joe Armstrong up? Sick of being reminded.

When it's October but there aren't any spooky jokes yet...

Never seen such boo-sheet before.

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I made a million dollars in October, it's now mid-November and I'm fucking broke.

I hate working at he Mint.

After Hunt for Red October came out, my family moved from Moscow to San Francisco, where I became a fan of the 49ers with Steve Young as Quarterback

I would have liked to have seen Montana.

A man from northern Alaska is on trial…

The prosecutor asks in a menacing tone, “Where were you in the night from October to April?”

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:

“Where were you on the night of October to April?”

halloween joke

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Ah, October! Almost time for Halloween. This season reminds me of how I met my wife. I went to a costume party, and saw her across the room. Standing there all thin and tall and gorgeous next to her fat friend. They'd come to the party together dressed as t...

Overheard in line for a movie...

Theater employee: "That's an R-rated movie. When's your birthday?"

Teenage boy: "October 12th."

Employee: "What year?"

Boy: "Every year."

Attention all officers!

Attention all officers! It is now October 5th. Over.

*10-4, over*

People say "Time flies when you're having fun."

Nobody's had any fun this year, and it's already October.

I guess you could say October is...

Oct-over

What’s orange and black and comes together in October to really terrify people?

Donald and Kanye

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

I recently started dating someone and neither of us is a dom in the bedroom.

Our couple name is The Hunt for Red October

Canadian visits friend in the states

Canadian: "How is it 30 degrees here in October?"

Friend: "The real question is, how is it 30 degrees THERE in October?"

This is getting ridiculous..

Only two days into October and now even COVID is pumpkin spiced.

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Leading cause of Cancers

Is having sex in October.

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Russian jokes under communism

To alleviate the perennial shortages of butter, The Politburo of the Communist Party ordered the Soviet scientists to develop a technology for converting shit into butter, and to complete this project on or before the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. After six months of work, t...

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An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.

In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the ou...

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For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands!

I'm happy to announce in october were going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!

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Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.

Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".

He leaves ...

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Best joke I’ve ever seen

It was a rainy night, 7th of October 2009 if I recall correctly, I was in camp with my friend roasting 2 marshmellow bags we bought, beautiful sight of the river, he told me this one thing that’s stuck with me:

“Did you know too much sex can cause bad eyesight, bad hearing, inability to recei...

My wife said I’m not sophisticated.

I said, “that’s ridiculous, why, I’m reading a novel right now that’s full of subtext.

She was impressed and asked, “what novel?” I said, “The Hunt for Red October.”

What was Humpty Dumpty's favorite month?

October... He had a great fall.

After a gruesome murder in Greenland the suspect is taken in for questioning by the police.

Inspector: Would you mind telling us where you were on the night from October 11th to March 5th?

I used to not believe in climate change

But around October I started supporting global warming

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CAR PARK SCAM: BEWARE!

Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. ...

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Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

What's the difference between a Yankee stadium hotdog and a Fenway park hotdog?

You can buy a Yankee stadium hotdog in October

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Training A Puppy

We brought home a new puppy on October 29. I told the family that the puppy has to be trained in one month. I said the family rule starting November 29 is that any piss or shit on the floor means a night outside.

Sure enough, I came home last night and found piss and shit on the floor. I knew...

How the Angel Came to be on Top of the Christmas Tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of November, and there
didn't appear to be coming any snow any time soon, either. The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and there was the
possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.
...

September: I had one of the worst hurricane months on record and Hugh Hefner died.

October: Hold my beer

An American couple adopt a German infant...

He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.

Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.

“Zis is a bit tepid,” he complains.

“Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never s...

TIL - as of 2019, Halloween has not fallen on Friday the 13th for the last 666 years

This is probably because Halloween is October 31st

Trump says he will bring Jobs back to America;

The problem is he died on October 5th 2011, and I've never seen anyone brought back like that.

The class had to write a short, rhyming, two-lines poem as homework.

Lisa stands up and proudly recites :

*Yesterday, my Dad and I we went to town*

*And I got a nice blue bike of my own.*

"That's a lovely poem, Lisa!" says the teacher.

Now it's Timmy's turn. He stands up and recites theatrically :

*When octob...

Me: You're today's date

She: What?

Me: You're a solid 11/11

She: What kind of a rating scale is out of 11?

Me: I... I had cold feet on 10th October

Somebody needs to wake up Green Day

It's October 1st

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So there’s a 12-floor building

The first floor is named January
Second floor is February
Third is March
Forth is April
Fifth is May
Sixth is June
Seventh -July
Eight - August
Ninth - September
Tenth October
Eleventh November
And finally the twelfth floor is named December.

How do ...

Not sure what you have heard, but it actually only rains twice a year in Seattle.

October through May, then June through September.

I found a ghost passed out on my stairs last night.

He must have been really into the boos!

Happy October!

Me: I have cheated once

Wife: me too

Me: 1st april...

Wife: 8th october

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No Nut November.

Guess it prepares me for Dick Devouring December, Johnson Jumping January, Fuck Frenzy February, Manic Masturbation March, All Anal April, My Magical May, Just Jizz June, Jimmy Jacking July, Arse Adventure August, Stained Sheets September and my all time favourite Oral Only October.

I can't trust my heart or my brain to tell me who the next President will be

But I can trust my Vegas bookie and will be talking to him in October

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