The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

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I made a million dollars in October, it's now mid-November and I'm fucking broke.

I hate working at he Mint.

I can’t believe people are letting fireworks off in October!

It’s scared the dog so badly he’s knocked the Christmas tree over.

I guess October is

Octover

I used to not believe in climate change

But around October I started supporting global warming

TIL - as of 2019, Halloween has not fallen on Friday the 13th for the last 666 years

This is probably because Halloween is October 31st

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

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Why are dyslexic people scared of the 27th of October?

Because they heard that all the cocks turn black

A Sliced Dairy Product

There was once a man named Ani. Ani was a long-time comedian. He had been running both a YouTube and a Twitter account for an entire decade, and did stand-up in bars and comedy clubs. Everywhere he went, he was showered with praise for his originality and dedication. On one 17th of August, however, ...

I was doing a survey on hello and hi

Every month I will tally if most people greet me with hello or hi.
most of the months, Hi won, but every October...


Hello win!

Canadian visits friend in the states

Canadian: "How is it 30 degrees here in October?"

Friend: "The real question is, how is it 30 degrees THERE in October?"

When it's October but there aren't any spooky jokes yet...

Never seen such boo-sheet before.

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For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands!

I'm happy to announce in october were going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!

October is Eczema awareness month.

So I'm raising money by selling scratch off lottery tickets.

I guess you could say October is...

Oct-over

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Bad news for dyslexics on the 28th October

Your cocks go black

I just re-watched The Hunt for Red October.

The entire movie is the sub plot.

On the the 31st of October...

A group of friends were playing with an Ouija board in the attic of one of their houses. They lit 4 candles around the board and placed their hands on the planchet.

One of them asks: "Oh spirit of the board, how will I die?"
Silence followed...

Another asks: "Oh spirit of the boar...

What’s orange and black and comes together in October to really terrify people?

Donald and Kanye

Apparently I was supposed to wait until October 31st to dress up like a ghost.

Guess I spook too soon.

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It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild...

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of ...

I was in germany at octoberfest and they asked me how many beers I wanted...

I said nine, but they didn't bring me any.

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:



“Where were you on the night of October to April?”

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A blonde participates in the television show Who wants to be a millionaire...

The TV host asks her the following questions:

1st
How long did the 100-year war last?

a) 116 years
b) 99 years
c) 100 years
d) 150 years

The blonde chooses to use the opportunity not to respond.

2nd
In which country did you find the Panama Cabin?

a) ...

What is a clinical trial done in October called?

a trick or treatment.

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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

October is finally here...

Can somebody finally wake Billie joe Armstrong up? Sick of being reminded.

How do you delete important files on your computer permanently?

Update to the Windows 10 October Update

October 10th was such a great day

10/10

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New Scam - Long but worth the read.

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam...

The class had to write a short, rhyming, two-lines poem as homework.

Lisa stands up and proudly recites :



*Yesterday, my Dad and I we went to town*

*And I got a nice blue bike of my own.*



"That's a lovely poem, Lisa!" says the teacher.

Now it's Timmy's turn. He stands up and recites theatrically :



*When octob...

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An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.

In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the ou...

What do you get when you combine an octopus and a bear?

You get a Frenchman pronouncing October

Overheard in line for a movie...

Theater employee: "That's an R-rated movie. When's your birthday?"

Teenage boy: "October 12th."

Employee: "What year?"

Boy: "Every year."

Spooky memes at the first week of October where dead.

And now that that they're back, they are UNDEAD.

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So there’s a 12-floor building

The first floor is named January
Second floor is February
Third is March
Forth is April
Fifth is May
Sixth is June
Seventh -July
Eight - August
Ninth - September
Tenth October
Eleventh November
And finally the twelfth floor is named December.

How do ...

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.

Whoever fucked this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar....

Us NAVY joke

Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your cou...

A blonde takes part in a game show

[Disclaimer: I don't know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, 'cause it's actually a pretty fun "story"]

First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last?

a) 99 years

b) 116 years

c) 100 years

d) 150 years<...

What was Humpty Dumpty's favorite month?

October... He had a great fall.

Me: You're today's date

She: What?

Me: You're a solid 11/11

She: What kind of a rating scale is out of 11?

Me: I... I had cold feet on 10th October

What's the difference between a Yankee stadium hotdog and a Fenway park hotdog?

You can buy a Yankee stadium hotdog in October

Me: I have cheated once

Wife: me too

Me: 1st april...

Wife: 8th october

A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.

Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".

He leaves ...

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Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

Apr...

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No Nut November.

Guess it prepares me for Dick Devouring December, Johnson Jumping January, Fuck Frenzy February, Manic Masturbation March, All Anal April, My Magical May, Just Jizz June, Jimmy Jacking July, Arse Adventure August, Stained Sheets September and my all time favourite Oral Only October.

An American couple adopt a German infant...

He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.

Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.

“Zis is a bit tepid,” he complains.

“Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never s...

So a Police Officer in Arkansas is Investigating a Crime Scene

**Disclaimer: This is not my joke, it is one my friend told and I got their permission to share it here.

As he's investigating the scene in the outskirts of town, he notices a Toyota in a ditch. He notes this down and writes on his pad.

**October 16, 1:30 PM. There is a Toyota Corolla ...

September: I had one of the worst hurricane months on record and Hugh Hefner died.

October: Hold my beer

Somebody needs to wake up Green Day

It's October 1st

Nobody tells the British Royal Navy what to do... Except the Irish.

This is the transcript of the "actual" radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, October 98. Radio conversation released by the chief of Naval operations, 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

BRIT...

The Sports Mechanic

Three middle-aged women are sitting on a park bench discussing their children.

"My son William studied Architecture at Cambridge. He's 25 years old now and he makes £70,000 a year at Bregmann and Hamann," the first woman says.

"My son Charlie read Law at Oxford. He'll be turning 23 i...

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An accidental time traveler falls in a wormhole

He emerges into a building in chaos, people running and screaming. Bodies crashing to the pavement outside

"OH FUCK!" He screams. It must be September 11 2001!!

A man screams in return "No you fool! It's October 24th,1929!"

Not sure what you have heard, but it actually only rains twice a year in Seattle.

October through May, then June through September.

There once was a powerful king.

There once was a powerful king who wanted to hire a different court jester for each month of the year. His financial advisor said that it would be best to only get 11 jesters, and simply have one repeat months. The king agreed and 11 court jesters were hired.

Months roll by and everything is...

I found a ghost passed out on my stairs last night.

He must have been really into the boos!

Happy October!

A German Dad Joke

So, because St. Patrick's Day is tomorrow I asked my dad (who is German) if Germans have any day like St. Patrick's Day. His said, "Yes, it's called October."

I can't trust my heart or my brain to tell me who the next President will be

But I can trust my Vegas bookie and will be talking to him in October

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the Steel Guitar Network - Church Bulletin Bloopers

Church Ladies With typewriters ...

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
____________________________________________...

I can prove global warming is real.

The Chicago Cubs are still playing its October already.

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