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Tel Jokes

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

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Sex on the beach!

A widowed Jewish woman, mid 50′s, went to a Tel Aviv beach for the first time since her husband passed. She was still attractive and looked good in her bathing suit. On the same beach was an attractive man, mid 50’s, getting some sun and reading a book. She put her blanket down next to his and ...

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear progra...

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Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

I tried to open a record store in Tel Aviv.

Perhaps The Vinyl Solution was a poor choice of name.

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An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That...

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The Definition of Politics

A Russian Jew successfully secured relocation to Israel.

At the Moscow airport, when conducting a search of his belongings, the customs official found a statue in his case.

He asked the traveler:

‘What is this?’

The traveler replied:

‘That is the wrong question, co...

When a woman tels you it's five minutes, then it's five minutes.

Don't need to ask her every quarter of an hour.

Kraft Foods, Inc. has moved their headquarters to Tel Aviv

They're changing their name to Cheeses of Nazareth.

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A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

A guy gets from a plane and goes to a brothel house, he knocks on the door and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie".

The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.

"Sir to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"

"Is no problem, I have ze money"

Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes dow...

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Conversation at the beach

A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strik...

(Original corny joke) Why are Israelis so bad at poker?

Because they have so many Tels!

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What does your wives sex life and tomorrows snow forecast have in common?

Both expecting 8 to 10 inches but only going to get 1 to 2...





Made this joke up and tel it off and on, how was it?

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A Flight to Israel...

A woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog.”

So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv,...

I’m really worried about Jerusalem being recognised as the capital of Israel.

Who’s going to Tel Aviv?

Where do spores stay while on vacation?

A mold-tel.

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A rabbit, a buzzard and a turtle.

This was told to me by my grandfather years ago. Not the greatest, but as a kid it made me laugh.

A rabbit, a buzzard and a turtle were walking down a road when they came across a farm. The farmer had his life packed up and was driving away. He told the trio the farm has been barren for yea...

An Israeli businessman accidentally sleeps through his alarm one morning.

Feeling the panic of waking up late, he throws on his suit as quickly as he can and rushes out the door to drive to work. As he begins the commute through the Tel Aviv rush hour traffic, he painfully watches the clock as his meeting starts without him.

Finally he pulls into his parking lot, ...

Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?

In a moooo-tel.

I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room.

Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.

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Last summer, I traveled to europe for a 2 week vacation..

On the last night, I decided to go to a club for some action. As I approached the entrance, there was nothing more amazing i'd seen in those last 2 weeks than the bouncer. He was buffed up at least 4 inches taller than me, had long hair, a braided beard, hell he looked like a viking. Surprisingly, h...

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A joke from Israel

One guy is driving his car in Tel-Aviv, looking for a parking spot. It's a busy day, and there's absolutely nothing available. So he starts praying to God. "Please, God, I need a parking space. Help me. I promise to go to the temple every Saturday, I promise to fast on Yom-Kippur, I will give money ...

An Israeli Joke

An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry ...

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The Turtle, Lizard, and Rabbit

One day, Turtle, Lizard, and Rabbit decide to start a garden. So as first things first they needed manure for their plants, Turtle and Lizard send the rabbit to town for the manure while they dig. While Rabbit was in town searching for the rich soil, Turtle and Lizard strike oil. As the rabbit retur...

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An American Jew immigrates to Israel

He moves into a high-rise apartment in Tel Aviv and gets an office job. After a few days, he starts to feel like he's missing out on all the colour of being in the Middle East, so he goes and buys a camel. Each day he rides the camel to work, while Israelis whiz past him on the highway in their cars...

The cabinet maker

A woman in Tel-Aviv finally saves enough money to buy a new hand-made cabinet, and has it installed in her home, which faces the street whereby bus number 5 passes.

As she is admiring her new purchase, she notices that bus number 5 passes her house, and as it does, the cabinet doors open up...

My favorite Jewish joke in the history of the world.

A young American computer expert read some books on the early Zionists who came to Israel and worked hard just to develop a bit of farm land. They gave of their sweat and toil so that there should be a fertile country for us. He was impressed with their unselfish toil and decided to immigrate to Isr...

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Soviet Joke

After Stalin’s death, the Soviet nation decided to get rid of him once and for all and bury him as far away as possible. They set up a special commission.
The commission turned to the British government with the request that they make available a plot in a British cemetery.
“Well,” replies the...

A man was going for a holiday to Acapulco, Mexico...

But since he does not speak any Spanish, he is a bit worried if he will be alright.

He talks to an old friend about his worries and the friend tells him "Don't worry! Spanish is not so hard to speak. Many words are similar to english, so if you just speak slowly enough, I'm sure they will und...

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Who is this?

An old Russian Jew, left behind decades ago when the rest of the family fled to Israel, had finally been granted permission to leave by the Soviet government. But not without a few last indignities. When he arrived at the airport, his luggage was confiscated and thoroughly searched in front of him. ...

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