UPJOKE
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23 Jokes

There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole,

Which is also known as avocado’s number
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My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”
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What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
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A 60 year millionaires is getting married. His friends are jealous and one of them ask how he landed such a hot 23 year old blonde beauty...

"Simple", grins the millionaire.

" I faked my age".

His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her...

he replies: " I said i was 87"
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What do you get if you mash 6.02 * 10^23 avocados?

Guacamole...
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I bought an alphabet from a shop, but I only recieved 23 letters.

So I went up asking why and was told that I didn't pay for the dlc.
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After 23 school shootings in 2018

We did it. We finally banned straws.
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At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground

Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
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Like most people my age, I'm 23.

.
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My favorite time of the day is 23:59:59

It's second to none.
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I'm 23 years old

Truly in my prime
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What has 400 legs and 23 teeth?

The front row of a Trump rally
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Guess who woke up to 23 missed calls from their Ex ?

My Ex.
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I was curious what my parents did for fun before the internet…

I asked my 23 siblings and they didn’t know either.
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In geometry class, the teacher went up to the board and drew a 23 degree angle.



She then drew a 67 degree angle. The class was astonished when the angles started talking! The first one said "That's a lovely blouse you're wearing." and the second one chimed in "And I love what you've done with your hair."

The students asked the teacher if she knew what was going...
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Did you hear about the murder victim they found who's body was stretched out to 23 feet?

Poor guy was long dead.
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After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...
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Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins

\-Son, leave the room please.

\-Dad, but I'm 23...

\-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

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Did you know too much sex can cause memory loss

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.

23% of the crew aboard Christopher Columbus’ ship Santa Maria were named Juan

That’s almost a three to Juan ratio.
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My girlfriend's dad called me a pedophile just because I'm 34 and she's 23...

...he totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...
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I made a Salad for 23 people to destroy

It was a Caesar salad
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Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest

Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes

Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama...
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My grandfather took down 23 planes in WWII

He was the worst mechanic of the RAF
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A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...
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There's a guy who lives in Ohio

There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and ...

What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.022x10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.
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What do you call 6.022 x 10^23 molecules of avocado?

A guac-mole
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Unsettling sounds #23

Ice-cream van after dark
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One day, 3 men died and went to heaven

"Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" h...
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I asked my SO if he wanted to do 23 and me.

He said no.

Guess I better call the other 23 people back.
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What do you call a head of lettuce that's been stabbed 23 times?

A Caesar salad
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My wife and I were happy for 23 years!

Then we met!
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Math problem: If John is 82 and his girlfriend is 23

How much money does John have?
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(Robber who stabbed me 23 times): "WTF, how aren't you dead?"

Me: Bro we're in the living room.
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I submitted my DNA to 23 & Me

They recommended I resubmit it to 24 & Me
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Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

What do you call 6.022x10^23 rodents?

A Mol Rat
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Why does Jeffrey Epstein only date 23 year olds

Because there's 20 of them.
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I got my results from 23 and me today,

A very nice pop up book and a free appointment for a tubal ligation.
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In Jamaica pies cost $4.76, in the Cuba pies cost $3.89, and in Haiti pies cost $3.23.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.
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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

I got a 23 and Me test to see if I’m going to develop Alzheimer’s.

I forgot the results.
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I shoplifted 23 cans of Pepsi from the store and got arrested, but the judge dropped the charge

He knew i stole 23 cans of Pepsi, but he said that doesn't make a case.
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143 year old troll

I found this history text book from 1873 at a flea market today, and it’s super old school. On page 23, there is a thing that says “look on page 150” in pencil in the top margin- so I go to page 150 and the guy had written “you are a fool for looking”. Fuckin got me bro. Trolled me 143 years in the ...

Why did the 22140857×10^23 molecules of Methyl Acetate go to jail?

It was a Mole-Ester!
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I have to catch the 4:23 train

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
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"Beer Runner" goes free after being arrested for stealing 23 beers...

The DA didn't have a case
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A historian, a journalist, and a political scientist walk into a bar on January 23, 1993...

[Citation Needed]
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An entire dorm of teenage girls burns down, and tragically, 23 girls were killed in the fire.

Being young, they all go to heaven. In front of the pearly gates, St. Peter has them all line up. The first girl approaches and asks, "What do I have to do to get into heaven?"

"Well," Peter says, "have you ever touched a penis?"

"I did once. But I just poked it!" The girl replies....

A guy had 6.023*10^23 bruises in his body...

Experts are saying he got molested.
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what do you call 6.02 X 10^23 atoms of avocado dipping sauce?

one guacamole
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An average Wookiee is 2.23-2.54 meters in height, weighs 100kg (female) or 150kg (male) and has a lifespan of 400 standard years

Those are Wookiee numbers
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What do you call a 23 year old guy with no friends, depression, social anxiety anda no job?

An average redditor
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A man bids on a rare antique, item 23 in the catalogue, upon which he is incorrectly named the winner of the auction; the error is fixed five seconds later

Won two three for five secs.
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What do you call 23 men watching the World Cup 2018?

The Scotland National Team.
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I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.
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Why has Hillary Clinton ask Santa for a 23 letter alphabet?

Because she's sick of F.B.I
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Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

I just found out that 23% of women are taking psyche medications.. I can't believe it...

That means 77% are walking around untreated.
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If being a 23 year old Norwegian swimwear model has taught me anything

It’s that catfishing is surprisingly easy online
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If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.
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I was offered sex with a 23 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of all purpose cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower.

Just as strong as CleanBrite, the super strong all purpose cleaner. Now available with scented lemongrass.

A man decides to start a business

He puts a billboard on the door saying "If we can cure you, you have to pay 100 dollars, if we can't you get 500 dollars"

A doctor sees the billboard and decides to get in and win 500 dollars.

He says that his sense of taste is gone.

The man says to his assistant: Can you please...
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The person ahead of us today in mini golf completed the course in 23 strokes.

I hope they're okay.
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My friend Amol is a strong believer in numeralogy.

He made an affidavit to change his name to 6.022x 10^23.
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I am 23 and haven't had my periods as yet. My little sis is 17 and had her period since 13...

... I feel ashamed to talk about this to my friends because I don't know if I have a problem....

Or does it take longer when you are a boy?
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You want further proof that Biden is already the better president?

He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump.
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A museum tour guide told his visitor group that their T-Rex skeleton was 65,000,023 years old.

When one of the visitors asked how they knew the skeleton's age so precisely, he replied that it was 65 million years old when he started working there 23 years ago.
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People who cheat on their taxes disgust me

This is not the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.
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