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29 Jokes

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

Gas is still $1.29 if you know where to go.

Taco Bell bean burritos.

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

I'm 29..

*Wife was in ICU*

Doc: seems like she is in a coma.

Husband: Please save her, she is just 30.

*Suddenly the ECG starts beeping, her hand moved, her lip mumbled*

And she spoke: I'm 29

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29,

my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

John F Kennedy was just "John Kennedy" From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963

They only added the F after he died

I just read that a single ant can live to be 29 years old.

Anyone know how long the married ones live up to?

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (24 years old) panics, jumps up from bed, and runs into bathroom

\- Manuel (25) needs new tires for his car

\-Lara (27) now has *no* pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his covid-mask to his face in the bus

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

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A Cosmopolitan magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated.

Meanwhile, 29% of men masturbated just reading about the poll.

"I'm 29 years old today..."

"I'm 29 years old today," said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday.

Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone...

"Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday," s...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

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I will no longer be known as a 29 year old virgin

i just turned 30

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

When Andrew Waugh was surveying Mt Everest in 1856 he came up with a height of exactly 29,000 ft. Fearing people would think that was just an imprecise estimation he reported it as 29,002 ft.

Because of this, some say he was the first to place two feet on the summit of Everest.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," t...

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As a 29 year old virgin, I hired a hooker today for $300. And have never been happier.

She said she’d do anything.

So guess who just got their college tuition paid

A poll was taken in California, asking if people thought illegal immigration was a serious problem. 29 percent said, 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'

71 percent said, 'No es un problema serio.'

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

Did you know Major Charles Sweeney of the B-29 Bockscar was dyslexic?

He meant to order the flaming saganaki, but instead ordered a flaming Nagasaki

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 - One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.

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Know why you can't play bingo with Japanese people

They all scramble for cover when you call B-29.

Who was the funniest pope in history?

**Pope Hilarius** (or **Hilary**) was the bishop of Rome from 19 November 461 to his death on 29 February 468.

A man is scentenced to serve in prison

While walking around the yard, he notice a group of inmates laughing.

As he gets closer he hear one of them say '17' and immidietly the rest starts to laugh. Then another inmate shouts '48' as the others laugh even harder. After the third guy shouts '22' everyone laugh so hard some of them ar...

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.29 a bag.

Deer nuts are just under a buck.

Warning: Over 18 only!

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Training A Puppy

We brought home a new puppy on October 29. I told the family that the puppy has to be trained in one month. I said the family rule starting November 29 is that any piss or shit on the floor means a night outside.

Sure enough, I came home last night and found piss and shit on the floor. I knew...

An amateur birdwatcher and a professional ornithologist are observing the same patch of the forest floor.

There’s a break in the canopy above them, so there are dozens of birds congregated to soak up the sunlight. The scientist is eagerly taking notes and muttering to himself, “28…29…30… there’s 31 distinct species all in this one clearing! It’s amazing!”

The birdwatcher tells him, “No, they’re a...

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

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Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

What happened to the dollar. Short riddle.

Three friends have a nice meal together, and the bill is $25

The three friends pay $10 each, which the waiter gives to the Cashier

The Cashier hands back $5 to the Waiter

But the Waiter can't split $5 three ways, so he gives the friends one dollar each and keeps 2 dollars as a t...

An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.

"Are you sure?" The cashier says.

"I don't like change." the man replies.

A priest was preaching one Sunday.

"The sermon that I'm going to preach today is about honesty"

Everyone nodded.

"Before I begin, I would like all those who have read Matthew chapter 29 verse 15 to raise their hands"

More than half the people raised their hand.

"That is very unfortunate to see as there is ...

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(Content NSFW) man walks into a bar on St. Paddy's day and gets tapped on the shoulder by a leprechaun.

A man walks into a bar on St. Paddy's day and gets tapped on the shoulder by a leprechaun. The man turned around and the leprechaun asks "how old are you?" The man replies "I am 29 years old." The leprechaun nodded then said "You have a family don't you?" The man repied "Yes, I have 2 kids and a...

I bought a new TV today...

Got a great 50" HDTV for $29.99 today.

Of course, there was a catch... The volume was stuck at the max setting so it was incredibly loud.

But for $29.99, I couldn't turn it down.

How many Westboro Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

30. 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and 29 to protest it for being brighter than they are.

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A man was teaching his wife golf...

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

...

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A+ Book Reports on Titanic and Bill Clinton

The students at a local college were assigned to read two books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by Bill Clinton, and to write book reports. One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
...

A nervous kid brings condoms to the counter for the first time.

The clerk says, "That'll be $4.29 with tax."

The kid looks startled and says, "Is *that* how you keep them on?"

Smart Old man

A lady gets a face lift and goes into clothing store and asks the girl how old she looks? The girl says 35 and the lady says thanks and that she was 47. She then goes into McDonald’s and asks the same thing and the girls says 29! She says 47, This makes the lady’s day and she heads to the bus stop t...

2020 is a unique leap year...

It has 29 days in February.

300 days in March.

And 5 years in April.

A german tourist goes to Poland

In the border, the guard asks him some questions.

Guard: Name?

German: Hans Guttenmark

Guard: Age?

German: 29

Guard: Occupation?

German: * smiles * No, just visiting.

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I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.

However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:

I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which...

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city.

This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, ...

I bought a Lottery ticket today

Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today."

Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36."

Sven: "What are the odds?"

Ollie: "29, 11, 35."

I've got an Ikea bookcase that's lasted me 30 years.

Granted, it was in pieces for 29 of those.

Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me, you’ve been on the phone..

...for 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.

Man inside: “I am talking to my wife!”

I didn't fail No-Nut November...

I just finished the challenge 29 days early!

A man goes to a toy store

A man goes to a toy store to buy a barbie doll for his daughter and asks the clerk what do barbies cost.

The clerk answers that the shopper barbie is 24,90, beach barbie 24,90, space barbie 29,90 and the divorce barbie is 199,90.

The confused man asks the clerk why the divorce barbie i...

The doctor called me into his office today looking unsettled.

I asked the doctor why he looked so dismayed. He looked at me and said “I have bad news and worse news”. I boldly looked him in the eyes and told him to inform me of the issue. The doctor replied “You have 29 hours to live”. To which I uncomfortably asked what the worse news was. The doctor replied ...

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

When I was 22 I lived a life of crime.

I'm 29 now, but back then I would dress up as Abraham Lincoln and rob convenience stores.

I robbed four stores seven years ago.

85 year old Mr. Horwitz goes to see the priest to give a confession

"Father, forgive me, I have slept with another woman than my wife" the old man confesses.

"Mr. Horwitz, didn't your wife pass about 10 years ago? In fact, I have seen you out dating other women in the last few years..." the Priest responds.

"Yes, she did, Father, and I have dated, but ...

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Christmas

It's only 29 days to Christmas.

I fucking hate Christmas.

Whoever invented it should be crucified.

A man was struck by a bus on a busy street.

He knew his injuries were too severe to survive so, being a devout Catholic, he called for a priest to pray for him in his last moments. The surrounding crowd frantically searched the area for a priest, but none could be found. Finally, an elderly Jewish man stepped out of the crowd. “Now I’m not a ...

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A 60-year-old man goes to a nudist colony for a month. [NSFW]

He walks in and goes to the reception, hands in his clothes and the worker shows him his room.

Not long after there is a gorgeous woman at the door, and he immediately gets an erection.

The woman asks "are you calling for me".

The man says "no, no of course not".

The woma...

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[NSFW] The Intro To A Porno

Delivery Man: "That'll be $29.95 please."

Girl: "Oh no! I don't have any money, how about you come in for a blow job?"

Delivery Man: "Uh... OK."

Girl's Brother: "Great!" *unzips pants*

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How do you get jizz off a Scrabble board?

Don't bother, that's 29 points right there.

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A homeless man had a very interesting sign

It said that he could guess anybody’s age for $5. A young lady came up and asked if he could do this to her. She gave him the $5 and the old man started looking carefully at her. He said, “I just need to feel your boobs to figure out your age. The woman was very surprised. She reluctantly agreed, a...

So, in "Infinity War"...

Doctor Strange is in battle with Thanos. He sees all the future scenarios that are possible. He lets Thanos get the infinity gauntlet, allowing the deaths of half the universe. He never tells anyone what exactly he saw. The other Avengers saw this as being an incredibly cruel decision to make.
...

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas.

Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hea...

A blond, brunette, and redhead get in a car accident.

A blond, brunette, and redhead get in a car accident. They all die and go to heaven. At the gates of heaven, they are met by a man who tells them that there is very little room there. He says that he will tell them 100 jokes, each progressively funnier than the next. Whoever can listen to all of the...

A woman in Atlantic city was losing at the roulette wheel...

When she was down to her last ten dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. "Why don't you play your age?" he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table. The next thing the fellow with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed ...

Phone statistics in third world countries:

Phone statistics in third world countries:


Boy to Boy 00:00:59

Boy to Mom 00:00:50

Boy to Dad 00:00:30

Boy to Girl 01:23:59

Girl to Girl 05:29:59

Girl to Boy Missed call

Husband to Wife 00...

Did you hear about the woman who discovered that her husband had dendrophilia on their wedding night?

...She had to beat him off with a stick.

[^^^Dendrophilia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dendrophilia_%28paraphilia%29)

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The affair

A 29 year old man was dating a woman called ‘Lorraine’ they had been together a few years but the relationship started to get stale.

One night the man went to a bar to get away from his wife and met a woman named “Clearly” they hit it off and went back to hers to have sex.

The man beco...

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