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19 Jokes

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Cashier: that’ll be $19.99

Me: *pulls out a $50*

Cashier: sorry we’ve been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?

Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30*

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like COVID-19.

I don't have COVID-19.

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

r/Jokes Has 19 Million subscribers!

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good.

Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

(Credit: u/DrOctopusMD)

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

19 and 20 had a fight.

21.

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex

My ex

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

19:45 We can't continue this way. You have to choose. Football or me?

22:00 Of course I choose you, honey!

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

What's the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet?

One is a Coronavirus, the other is a Verona Crisis.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?

COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.

Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

Why are ants immune to COVID-19?

They have anty-bodies

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

My wife fell in love with me again during covid-19

I guess you could call it stuck-home syndrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like COVID-19

A lot of people got it but I’ve only heard of it

At a doll store

Man: "Do you work here?"

Lady: "Yes!"

"I need to buy a Barbie doll for my daughter. How much are they?"

"Which Barbie? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the ball for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes...

What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?

Ask them who won the election.

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

A new COVID-19 law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. “What brings you guys in today?” the bartender asks. “I guess you haven’t heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at l...

i would say a joke about Covid-19 in 2023...

but im getting sick and tired of it!

I tested positive for COVID-19 on New Year's Day.

Guess you could say I started 2022 on a positive note.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

China started anal swabbing covid-19 patients for rapid results...

Step 1: Insert swab into butthole.
Step 2: Remove, and insert swab into nose.
Step 3: If you smelled it, congrats, you are COVID negative.


Results: Instantaneous.

R. Kelly has caught covid-19

though he would prefer covid-15

What does Leonardo DiCaprio call a 19 year old?

A long term relationship.

19 Year anniversary

The traditional gift for 19 years is bronze, so I gave her a 3rd place trophy for best wife..... We might not make it to China

Warning: 18+

19

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.

I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm glad everyone is taking Covi-19 seriously.

Just saw a bum vaccinating himself under a bridge.

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

Barbie

One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on display in the front window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie f...

COVID-19 Pick-Up Lines

If COVID-19 doesn't take you out... Can I?

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?

Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.

You can't spell virus without U and I.

Baby, do you need toilet pape...

Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

Looks like RBG won her first case before God.

They kicked me out of a Covid-19 ward the other day…

…because when I left I said “stay positive everyone”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've lost a few family members to COVID 19.......

They didn't die, but they said a bunch of stupid shit on facebook and refuse to wear masks so they're dead to me.

Want to hear a Covid-19 joke?

If you've been vaccinated, you probably won't get it ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19

but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table

the table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, “look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!”

Why are there no Covid-19 cases in Antarctica?

Because the people there are ice-o-lated

After 19 days of stealing Putin's tanks.

Ukrainian farmers are now the fifth largest military in Europe.

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

Why was there a Covid-19 outbreak on the Death Star?

'Cos the Stormtroopers missed their shots.

A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.

Nobody could control Hispanic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump's Covid 19 Response

That's it, that's the whole fucking joke.

Due to covid-19.

Sweet Caroline is banned.

There will be: No touching hands, reaching out, touching me,

touching you..

It's COVID-19, not CORVID-19. A corvid is of the crow family. 19 crows are not gathering to kill you...

But if they are... its a murder.

Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.

Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the pro...

I'm starting to doubt my marriage

A rich man, after 50 years of marriage, once looked at his wife and said:

\- 50 years ago, we had a small house and an old car. We slept on the couch and watched a small black-and-white TV, but every night I went to bed with a beautiful 19-year-old girl. Now I have a huge expensive house, ma...

Why did everyone have Covid-19 at the KPop concert?

Because a symptom of Coronavirus is lack of taste.

I'm not sure that Pfizer's Covid-19 vaccine will work,

but it's worth a shot.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

Please, don't get Covid-19

They are releasing Covid-20 in September and it's much better.

Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?

Too many handshakes

Covid-19 is like Steve Jobs

One more thing...

Nearly 200 million Chinese kids are back to school after COVID-19 crisis

Unemployment strikes again

Gertrude was a very devout woman who had 17 children

One day her husband passed away and Gertrude remarried the next month and had 19 children with her second husband.

After several years her second husband died and she passed away herself some months afterwards.

During the funeral the priest finished the service with the words “they are...

The COVID-19

The 19 in COVID-19 must stand for how many pounds we will gain while in quarantine. I feel bad for all the college freshmen out there.

Naming the COVID-19 variants, the WHO skipped the greek letter 'xi'.

They did that in order to not insult the leader of West Taiwan.

What's the difference between being vegan and having Covid 19?

With Covid the loss of taste is only temporary...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Covid 19.

Since lock-down. I've had the shits since March.




Thank fuck they return to school in September.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger - 2.99 Cheeseburger - 3.99 Chicken Sandwich - 4.99 Hand Jobs - 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties.

She smiles at the biker coyly, and he ...

What makes santa immune from covid-19?

Santabodies

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

COVID-19 home test:

Open a beer and smell it. If you can smell the beer, this is good, as one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is a loss of smell.

Now drink the beer. If you can taste it, this is good, as another symptom of COVID-19 is loss of taste.

I was tested 11 times yesterday, and all tests turned out ne...

All countries got Covid-19

But China got it right off the bat

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

19 and 20 had a fight

21.

19 was injured. 22.

Then came the ambulance Wii U Wii U Wii U

My TCP/IP LAN contracted COVID-19

It should have worn its subnet mask

Day 19 of the experiment...

"Day 19 of the experiment, I have successfully conditioned my master to give me food,smile,and write in his book every time I drool." - Pavlov's Dog

What Covid-19 has taught me....

America is a 3rd world country wearing a Gucci belt.

For how long since its discovery has Covid 19 been deadly?

From right off the bat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Chuck Norris tested positive for COVID-19.

The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.

Scientists have declared that ants are immune to COVID-19....

They think its probably because they have.... anty bodies

What do covid 19 vaccine and a new iPhone/smartphone have in common?

Just when you get the latest one, there's a new one you have to get.

The American COVID-19 response

I don’t even need to say anything else it’s already a joke

Kellyanne Conway did not test positive for Covid-19

She tested alternative-negative

Daily Covid-19 check

At 7 p.m. open the whiskey bottle and smell it.

If you can smell, you are not infected.

Then pour it in in a glass tumbler.

Taste it. if you can feel the taste, you are not infected.

\~ Dr Johnny Walker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

I'm worried my girlfriend has COVID-19.

Everyone keeps telling me she's a superspreader.

Why was the number 19 interested in 7?

Because she heard 7 8 9 and she wanted to be the next one.

Covid-19 is like client requirements...

This virus is like a client requirement. It keeps mutating regularly and a major change comes in just when you are about to go on holidays.

Why can't dead people catch COVID-19?

because they're six feet under.

What does COVID-19 say when it finds you?

ICU

My Horse tested positive for CV-19

He's in a Stable condition...

Rapper Eminem has tested positive for COVID-19

In a statement released by doctors, it has been been revealed the following symptoms: his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Not to mention that there was vomit on his sweater already.

Initial testing suggests that the cause is: Mom's Spaghetti.

C-19

In this perilous time, we need to stay vigilant in order to avoid infection


It’s most important that people don’t cough near you, they MUST be FAR


If someone happens to cough near you, politely tell them to


FAR COUGH

COVID-19:

The only time when laughter is contagious

Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19

Award-winning composer, lyricist, actor, rapper, and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19 after receiving a spoiled dose of the vaccine. The nurse initially refused to administer the vaccine, when she discovered that it had accidentally been left out of the refrigeration unit too lo...

Got a Covid 19 joke for ya'll

But 99.26 of yall wont get it

Husband's 19 year old secretary

A woman finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning.

"My dear wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope that y...

Got my Covid-19 test results back today

They came back Aladeen

What's the difference between COVID-19 and Donald Trump?

One is a ruthless force hellbent on killing hundreds of thousands, and the other is a virus.

I wish Covid-19 started in Las Vegas

Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife see a lawyer about a divorce.

The lawyer asks them when they got married.

"I was 19" says the man.

"That means you've been married for 75 years at least" the lawyer points out

"Yes. And all of it misery" says the woman.

"Really? When did you start to regret the marriage?"

"Almost immediately,...

The WHO now says Covid-19 first spread through dog urine

It was a lab leak!

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

What is the difference between COVID-19 and the 101st Infantry Division?

COVID-19 is Airborne

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