This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet...

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

What is the difference between COVID-19 and the 101st Infantry Division?

COVID-19 is Airborne

What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?

Ask them who won the election.

I got kicked out of a hospital after saying to a Covid-19 patient..

Stay positive

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

Scientists have declared that ants are immune to COVID-19....

They think its probably because they have.... anty bodies

Due to covid-19.

Sweet Caroline is banned.

There will be: No touching hands, reaching out, touching me,

touching you..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like COVID-19.

I don't have COVID-19.

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

The WHO now says Covid-19 first spread through dog urine

It was a lab leak!

Oh no! I heard that 19 and 20 got in a fight.

It was close, but in the end, 21.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Travolta tested negative for covid-19 last night...

Turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever...

Why was the number 19 interested in 7?

Because she heard 7 8 9 and she wanted to be the next one.

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

A telltale symptom of COVID-19 is the loss of taste.

So when my sister suddenly decided to buy plaid curtains, I checked her into the hospital immediately.

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

WHO and Covid 😛

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"

Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

Scooby Doo is the worst cartoon to watch during the COVID-19 pandemic

Because the Mystery Inc gang doesn’t seem to like people who wear masks

Warning(18+)

19

I'm 42 years old, but I have the body of a 19 year old!

She left when I opened the freezer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like COVID-19

A lot of people got it but I’ve only heard of it

My TCP/IP LAN contracted COVID-19

It should have worn its subnet mask

It was early in the COVID-19 pandemic, and

Father Michael was walking through St. Patrick's Cathedral. He noticed an altar boy furiously scrubbing the crucifix. He asked the boy what he was doing, and the boy said "I'm trying to prevent cross contamination. "

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

I got my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine today…

For the next few weeks I’ll be doing things half-vaxxed.

For how long since its discovery has Covid 19 been deadly?

From right off the bat.

r/Jokes Has 19 Million subscribers!

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm glad everyone is taking Covi-19 seriously.

Just saw a bum vaccinating himself under a bridge.

19 and 20 had a fight

21.

19 was injured. 22.

Then came the ambulance Wii U Wii U Wii U

What's the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet?

One is a Coronavirus, the other is a Verona Crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

Wife : How dare you saved my mobile number as Covid 19

Husband : Because you take my breath away!

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

After months of preliminary testing, Dr. D. Johnson's supplement to cure the side-effects of COVID-19 went into final trials

Unfortunately the drug only allowed you to smell what the rock was cooking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

China started anal swabbing covid-19 patients for rapid results...

Step 1: Insert swab into butthole.
Step 2: Remove, and insert swab into nose.
Step 3: If you smelled it, congrats, you are COVID negative.


Results: Instantaneous.

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doctor, please prescribe the best medicine for covid-19"

"I'm prescribing Superglue. Apply it on your ass and sit at home."

I had heart palpitations, sweating and aches on the day of my first Covid-19 Vaccine

But once I got in and actually had the jab I was fine!

Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19

when all he had to do was to not get tested.

>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

The pandemic comes, and the country is in lockdown.

The coronavirus is killing tens of thousands.

Early on, a scientist says ***"Keep your distance and wash your hands regularly."***

The fellow shouted back, ***"No, it's OK - I don't need to keep distance, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."***

The pandemic rages on. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the arrest for child pornography yesterday, at least Josh Duggar will be remembered for 19 kids and counting...

For the tv show he made in the past, and coincidentally the number of videos found so far on his hard drive.

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

Glasses wearers are less likely to get Covid-19...

I guess you could say we have nerd immunity.

Professor Martins at the University was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

This day one of his students was perturbed because he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting through the lecture for an hour, the student raised his hand. "Professor, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

The profe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever read a story that is 100% true but sounds like a joke?

You're about to.

This happened when i was 19, in 2008.

I'm italian, and at the time i was dating this girl that was one year older than me. She was studying oriental languages and cultures at the uni and was also learning chinese (mostly cantonese).

One day we went on a date to ...

An old man sits down in the confessional booth at his local church

and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned”.

The priest says, “Tell me of your sins, my son.”

The old man says, “Well, Father, I’m 90 years old; I’ve been married to my wife for 70 years, and in all that time I’ve always been faithful…. But last night, I made love to two beautifu...

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

I wish Covid-19 started in Las Vegas

Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.

It was a shot in the dark, but I took it

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

My Horse tested positive for CV-19

He's in a Stable condition...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Covid-19 study produced some startling results.

Data was conducted from a
[email protected] online survey in Italy
from April 7 to May 4, 2020. In it
were 6,821 participants 18 or older
(4177 women, 2,644 men), and
results from it show that erectile
dysfunction was significantly higher
among men than among women.

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex

My ex

Why does Michael J Fox like COVID-19?

No more hand shaking!

Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19

Award-winning composer, lyricist, actor, rapper, and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19 after receiving a spoiled dose of the vaccine. The nurse initially refused to administer the vaccine, when she discovered that it had accidentally been left out of the refrigeration unit too lo...

John asks out a girl and girl says "at 19:00 come to my house, noone will be there"

So in the evening he goes to girl's house and no one is there

Have you heard about the Swedish mutation of Covid-19?

You have to assemble it yourself.

My girlfriend of 3 years told me that she's not worried about getting her Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccination.

She said, at this point, she's accustomed to one small prick.

I just got my COVID-19 vaccine today

I don’t understand what everyone is so worried about, I haven’t experienced any strange side effects. This thing is completely safe.

In unrelated news, I finally have good cell phone reception and my Internet speeds have never been better!

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

pls laugh

what do COVID-19 and a traveler on a budget have in common?

they travel by delta





what is the difference between COVID-19 and delta airlines?

only one can become airborne.

What does COVID-19 say when it finds you?

ICU

Why did everyone have Covid-19 at the KPop concert?

Because a symptom of Coronavirus is lack of taste.

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

Why did Dolly Parton help fund the COVID-19 vaccine?

So that we'd all get back to working 9 to 5.

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

It took a while for Americans to get COVID-19.

But in China, they got it right off the bat.

What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?

COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.

I'm not sure that Pfizer's Covid-19 vaccine will work,

but it's worth a shot.

It seems to be discriminatory, but my State's COVID-19 vaccination scheduling website has given everyone with low IQs appointments for the same date next week.

February 29th.

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

My relationship with my ex-wife is a lot like my relationship with COVID-19.

In each case the government has mandated that I maintain a certain distance from them.

Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

Looks like RBG won her first case before God.

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers...

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

What's the difference between being vegan and having Covid 19?

With Covid the loss of taste is only temporary...

I've had enough of all the COVID-19 jokes

They are all tasteless

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that getting Covid-19 has a silver lining?

Your shit don't stink and neither does anyone else's. In fact the only thing that stinks is you got Covid-19.

What makes santa immune from covid-19?

Santabodies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor Irish family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

My wife fell in love with me again during covid-19

I guess you could call it stuck-home syndrome

Why don't ants get COVID-19? (Part 2)

It's not because they have anty-bodies; not because they tend to be resist-ant to viruses (even though most of them are anti-vaxxers); it's not even the fact that they use disinfect-ant whilst being socially dist-ant. They don't get it simply because they just can't.

Have you heard of that new bird disease?

Corvid-19?

They say Covid-19, the novel coronavirus is one of the worst things that's happened in recent years

But if you think this is bad, just wait till you see the movie adaptation!

Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

COVID-19 is like a check engine light, at first you're like, "fuck, this is terrifying"

But after a while you'll be like, "fuck, I need to get to work!"

Everyone's making a big deal about how the second person to receive the Covid 19 vaccine was named William Shakespeare

But I think it's much ado about nothing.

Nearly 200 million Chinese kids are back to school after COVID-19 crisis

Unemployment strikes again

I'm worried my girlfriend has COVID-19.

Everyone keeps telling me she's a superspreader.

Just came back from visiting another man, he put a long object in my mouth and now my throat hurts badly...

God I hate COVID-19 tests.

Why can't dead people catch COVID-19?

because they're six feet under.

I didn't tell anybody but I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for C-19 in Amsterdam

I received my first shot today and wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно

From the man who brought you "we only have more COVID-19 cases because we're doing more testing" comes the hit single

"I'm only losing because they're counting the votes against me"

Why does it seem like everyone is getting COVID-19

Because it’s a virus not a virme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've lost a few family members to COVID 19.......

They didn't die, but they said a bunch of stupid shit on facebook and refuse to wear masks so they're dead to me.

Covid-19 is like client requirements...

This virus is like a client requirement. It keeps mutating regularly and a major change comes in just when you are about to go on holidays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say President Trump first noticed he may have Covid-19

When he couldn’t smell the bullshit coming out of his own mouth.

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19...

Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!

Yesterday was a terrible day for COVID-19.

It contracted Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a clip of a circle jerk of 19 guys?

Brovid-19

With life the way it is, you wanna know what really get up my nose, these days?

Rapid antigen Covid-19 self-tests.

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse had sex with the health minister to get a COVID-19 vaccine.

When asked why she did it, she said "It was worth a shot."

What Covid-19 has taught me....

America is a 3rd world country wearing a Gucci belt.

Rapper Eminem has tested positive for COVID-19

In a statement released by doctors, it has been been revealed the following symptoms: his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Not to mention that there was vomit on his sweater already.

Initial testing suggests that the cause is: Mom's Spaghetti.

If Bill Gates makes a COVID-19 vaccine what will it be called?

COVID-19 Defender XP.

Why are there no Covid-19 cases in Antarctica?

Because the people there are ice-o-lated

Why did the Trump supporter not realize he had COVID-19?

He didn't have a sense of taste to begin with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

Did anyone hear about the serial killer who is targeting Anti-Vaxxers?

Covid-19

If Covid 19 has forced you or a loved one to wear a mask with your glasses,

You may be entitled to condensation.

Why doesn't Santa Claus have to worry about catching COVID-19?

Because he has Santa-bodies.

What did the patient say that made the doctor suspect he had the English strain of COVID-19?

I miss the smell of Marmite.

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table

the table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, “look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!”

Since COVID-19, I have the body of a 50 year old, the brain of a 40 year old and the heart of a 25 year old.

All tucked away nicely in my freezer!

Trump is releasing a new book on his COVID-19 experience.

Mein Cough

My neighbors have just moved 1000 miles to San Diego to beat Covid-19.

Apparently they're SoCal distancing.

Why were the two melons upset about Covid-19?

Because now they cantaloupe.

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.

I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

What did the gamer say when he took the COVID-19 vaccine?

ns

BREAKING: North Korea announces breakthrough 100% effective COVID-19 treatment

Sources report the new treatment involves injecting a bullet into the forehead of people infected with the virus.

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