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19 Jokes

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good.

Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

(Credit: u/DrOctopusMD)

I’ve figured out that the spread of Covid-19 over the past couple years has been due to two factors.

1. How dense the population is.

2. How dense the population is.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Home Depot Scam alert

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come ove...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cashier: that’ll be $19.99

Me: *pulls out a $50*

Cashier: sorry we’ve been having problems with counterfeit money… Have anything smaller?

Me: Sure! *pulls out a $30*

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my 19 year old daughter killed a butterfly in the kitchen, so I said "No butter for you!"

Then she killed a cockroach and I said "nice try!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young
student female nurse appears and gives
him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the
mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I
don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your
upper body and feet."

He struggles to...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled. "What happened to you?"...

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like COVID-19.

I don't have COVID-19.

19 Year anniversary

The traditional gift for 19 years is bronze, so I gave her a 3rd place trophy for best wife..... We might not make it to China

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

I tested positive for COVID-19 on New Year's Day.

Guess you could say I started 2022 on a positive note.

R. Kelly has caught covid-19

though he would prefer covid-15

r/Jokes Has 19 Million subscribers!

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

I have a COVID-19 joke

...but I don't want to spread it.

A new COVID-19 law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. “What brings you guys in today?” the bartender asks. “I guess you haven’t heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at l...

Why are there no Covid-19 cases in Antarctica?

Because the people there are ice-o-lated

Two guys were having car trouble.

Their car eventually broke down in the country near a farm. It was late and cold so they decided they would ask the farmer if he would put them up for the night.


They approached the farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer, a massive bearded hulk of a man, brandishing a double-barrel...

After 19 days of stealing Putin's tanks.

Ukrainian farmers are now the fifth largest military in Europe.

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

Why did everyone have Covid-19 at the KPop concert?

Because a symptom of Coronavirus is lack of taste.

Why was there a Covid-19 outbreak on the Death Star?

'Cos the Stormtroopers missed their shots.

What's the only truly accurate way to determine if someone's been vaxed against Coivd-19?

Ask them who won the election.

Want to hear a Covid-19 joke?

If you've been vaccinated, you probably won't get it ...

Why did Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson’s family get tested for COVID-19

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking.

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex

My ex

What do covid 19 vaccine and a new iPhone/smartphone have in common?

Just when you get the latest one, there's a new one you have to get.

Naming the COVID-19 variants, the WHO skipped the greek letter 'xi'.

They did that in order to not insult the leader of West Taiwan.

Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19

when all he had to do was to not get tested.

>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21

What is the difference between being vegan and having Covid 19 ?

With Covid the loss of taste is only temporary..

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

Excerpt from a newspaper, "Cocaine found on sidewalk"

"On Oct. 19, a small bag of a white powdered substance was found laying on the sidewalk of 50th Street and 49th Avenue in Sedgewick. The substance was determined to be cocaine.

"The owner of the cocaine is welcome to come into the Killam/Forestburg RCMP detachment to claim their property."...

What's the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet?

One is a Coronavirus, the other is a Verona Crisis.

A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence.

Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, 20! 20! 20!

In Colorado they took down the mile marker for 420

In Colorado they took down the mile marker sign for 420
They were afraid that the potheads were going to try and steal it.
They replaced it with a mile marker 419.9999 repeating sign
Well this caused the sign to get stolen by the MATH nerds,
who also swiftly stole the cosine and...

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like COVID-19

A lot of people got it but I’ve only heard of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

China started anal swabbing covid-19 patients for rapid results...

Step 1: Insert swab into butthole.

Step 2: Remove, and insert swab into nose.

Step 3: If you smelled it, congrats, you are COVID negative.


Results: Instantaneous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm glad everyone is taking Covi-19 seriously.

Just saw a bum vaccinating himself under a bridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

COVID-19 has been around for 2 years now and I haven't even caught it once!

Even a global pandemic doesn't want me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Personalities

1) Polite - farts and says "Pardon!"

2) Cynic - Farts while looking you directly in the eyes

3) Chivalrous - lets the lady fart first

4) Gourmand - Farts for his own pleasure

5) Sentimental - Farts and says "Oh..."

6) Idealist - farts out of conviction

7) C...

What is the difference between COVID-19 and the 101st Infantry Division?

COVID-19 is Airborne

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected case of Covid-19

But his doctors have now confirmed it was only Saturday night fever and they assure everyone that he’s staying alive.

Apparently he had chills that were multiplying.

What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?

COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.

Scientists have declared that ants are immune to COVID-19....

They think its probably because they have.... anty bodies

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

Who was the funniest pope in history?

**Pope Hilarius** (or **Hilary**) was the bishop of Rome from 19 November 461 to his death on 29 February 468.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis

It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.

I got kicked out of a hospital after saying to a Covid-19 patient..

Stay positive

Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

For how long since its discovery has Covid 19 been deadly?

From right off the bat.

The WHO now says Covid-19 first spread through dog urine

It was a lab leak!

Why are ants immune to COVID-19?

They have anty-bodies

What do you call a Sikh man...

What do you call a Sikh man standing on one leg? Balan Singh

What do you call a Sikh man on his day off? Relak Singh

And what do you call a Sikh man who follows Covid-19 guidelines? Soshal Distan Singh!

My wife fell in love with me again during covid-19

I guess you could call it stuck-home syndrome

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

Covid-19 is like Steve Jobs

One more thing...

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

Your mom

Your mamas so stupid she studied for the covid-19 test

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

Glasses wearers are less likely to get Covid-19...

I guess you could say we have nerd immunity.

Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

Looks like RBG won her first case before God.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

Scooby Doo is the worst cartoon to watch during the COVID-19 pandemic

Because the Mystery Inc gang doesn’t seem to like people who wear masks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Underdeveloped

Jim proposed to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

Jim stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem...

Due to covid-19.

Sweet Caroline is banned.

There will be: No touching hands, reaching out, touching me,

touching you..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've lost a few family members to COVID 19.......

They didn't die, but they said a bunch of stupid shit on facebook and refuse to wear masks so they're dead to me.

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

Warning: 18+

19

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

I'm not sure that Pfizer's Covid-19 vaccine will work,

but it's worth a shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who only has sex with people who test positive for COVID-19?

A sick fucker.

I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.

It was a shot in the dark, but I took it

I got my first dose of the Covid-19 vaccine today…

For the next few weeks I’ll be doing things half-vaxxed.

My TCP/IP LAN contracted COVID-19

It should have worn its subnet mask

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

Why was the number 19 interested in 7?

Because she heard 7 8 9 and she wanted to be the next one.

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers...

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.

I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 90 year old man is getting checked by his doctor

after the checkup the doctor sais "I heard that you have a new girlfriend, and at your age"

The old man answers "yes, she's only 19 years old, and a beast in the sheets. We have Sex thrice a day and it's always great!"

The Doctor, surprised, comments "You know, Sex is hard work for the...

Barbie

One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on display in the front window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie f...

Nearly 200 million Chinese kids are back to school after COVID-19 crisis

Unemployment strikes again

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

A man infected with Covid19 walks into a bar and infects everyone

He spread positivity.

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advi...

I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

I didn't tell anybody but I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for C-19 in Amsterdam

I received my first shot today and wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно

John asks out a girl and girl says "at 19:00 come to my house, noone will be there"

So in the evening he goes to girl's house and no one is there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

In these tough times Taco Bell is providing more value than ever

Where else can you get gas for $1.19?

I understand and support the Women's National Republican Club's concerns about getting the Covid-19 Shot....

To many of us it seams like a simple task, you go in, they jab you with a little needle and 1 second later its out and your done.

But think of it from a Republican Woman's point of view. That little needle is twice the size of anything that has ever poked her before and is going to be in her ...

19 and 20 had a fight

21.

19 was injured. 22.

Then came the ambulance Wii U Wii U Wii U

What does COVID-19 say when it finds you?

ICU

In the English language, the word "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" has the most number of syllables at 19.

This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables).

Source: Catholic Exchange




Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence t...

Wife : How dare you saved my mobile number as Covid 19

Husband : Because you take my breath away!

A telltale symptom of COVID-19 is the loss of taste.

So when my sister suddenly decided to buy plaid curtains, I checked her into the hospital immediately.

Have you heard about the Swedish mutation of Covid-19?

You have to assemble it yourself.

What makes santa immune from covid-19?

Santabodies

Do you know what we would call ‘COVID-19’ if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians?

A good start.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say President Trump first noticed he may have Covid-19

When he couldn’t smell the bullshit coming out of his own mouth.

I wish Covid-19 started in Las Vegas

Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.

Nobody could control Hispanic.

Why does Michael J Fox like COVID-19?

No more hand shaking!

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