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Priest said I should stop masturbating

Priest said I should stop masturbating. I asked where it said that in the Bible. He said never mind where it says that, just zip up and get out of the church - I'm trying to hold service.

Drunk walks up to a beat cop

Says, "Ociffer, somebody stole my car!"

Cop says, "well where was it when you last saw it?"

Drunk holds up his keychain says, "it was right here on the end of this key!"

Cop looks the drunk up and down, points over the drunks shoulder says, " you'll need to go down to the precin...

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My penis got stuck in the zipper today

I doubt I'll be asked to zip up a dress again

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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

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So this drunk guy stumbles up to a police officer

He said, "Officer, someone stole my car!"

The officer in disbelief asked him "Oh yeah where was it last?" The drunk replied "right on the end of this key."

The officer, clearly unimpressed and wanting to move on with his day said to him "Okay buddy, why don't you just take yourself d...

This drunk walks up to a cop and says "someone stole my car."

The cop says "well where was it?" And the guy says "It was right on the end of this key."

The cops thinks for a minute and says "I dunno man why dont you go on down to the station and report it there. They'll have you fill out all the proper forms and all that."

The guy says "alright"...

I just caught my pecker in my zipper and man it hurts.

No more zip up boots for me.

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NSFW Fresh out of prison, this long time con tries out for a job playing at a piano bar...

So he plays a song for the bar owner who loves it. He gushes. “Incredible! You wrote that in prison?! What's the name of it?”


“I call that one “I smacked down the hooker who was sucking my cock!””


Taken back, the owner just gestures him on. “Play another!”


Again, a b...

A drunk was walking down the street and approached a cop.

He told the cop "Someone stole my car."
The cop glanced at his partner, then replied "OK, so where did you leave it?"
The drunk said "right here on the end of this key."
The cop laughed and said "Well why don't you head on down to the station, they got all the forms you need to submit a...

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3 Quick Ones

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorr...

Dad potty trains his son.

"Son, if you want to pee like a big boy, then you need to follow these steps:

Step 1: unzip.
Step 2: pull it out.
Step 3: pull the skin back.
Step 4: pee.
Step 5: pull the skin forward.
Step 6: put it back in your pants.
Step 7: zip up"

Some tim...

A drunk is stumbling down the street, and approaches a cop on duty

The drunk says, "Officer, I need your help. Somebody stole my car!"

The cops askes, "Where was it when you last saw it?"

The drunk replies, holding a silver key, "right on the end of this key."

The cop chuckles, and says, "Well, you better head down to the station and fill out t...

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How to get into a girl's pants.

1. Start off with casual conversation.

2. Ask her questions, PERSONAL questions about herself and her lifestyle, and make sure to look her in the eye.

3. Do not initiate physical contact at this moment.

4. Figure out whether or not you want something from this girl from this sta...

Growing old

First you forget names;
Then you forget faces;
Then you forget to zip up your fly;
And then you forget to unzip your fly.

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New Orleans Drunk

A New Orleans drunk was staggering down the street when a cop pulled him over. He says to the copper. "Mr. Policeman, where is my car?"
"Beats me, when was the last time you seen it?" Asks the copper.
"Why, it was just on the end of this key a minute ago" (holds up ignition key), says the d...

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A white guy and a black guy are at a urinal.

As the white guy is peeing, he's looking at the tattoo on his dick. It's the letters W and Y. Then he glances over and notices the black guy has the exact same one.

They zip up and the white guys says: I noticed you have WY tattooed on your dick. So do I. Mine is because my girlfriend's name ...

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A cop walking his beat downtown late one Saturday night...

...comes across an inebriated fellow, stumbling around on the sidewalk in front of a bar. He approaches the drunkard, who is well plastered and hasn't yet seen him coming . "Evening, friend. How we doing tonight?"

"Oh officer," says the souse, " Am I glad to see you, sir! Listen, somebody...

A Mothers Secret

A mom was teaching her 4 year old son to zip up his jacket.

“The secret,” she explained, “is getting the little straight piece all the way into the little slot before you pull up the zipper.”

Her son looked up at her and said, “Mom, why does that have to be a secret?”

An old man is walking around with his zipper opened.

His wife notices and turns to him and tells him to zip up his zipper

Which he relpies, "Why? What cant get up can't get out."

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Piano man

A piano blues player is hired to play in a club. He plays his first piece brilliantly to the delight of the manager and the crowd. The crowd goes wild. Everyone applauds him loudly. He is a genius. He stands up to thank the crowd and says "thank you ladies and gentlemen. That piece was called 'your ...

A joke I heard on a Townes Van Zandt album. I guess maybe NSFW?

Paraphrased a bit. I doubt Mr. Van Zandt would mind, and god knows who he heard it.
A cop is out walking the streets in a little town one night when he comes across a drunk man. The drunk is stumbling around the sidewalk back and forth like he's looking for something.
Cop asks
"What're yo...

How to tell if you have Alzheimer's disease

If you forget to zip up your pants after going to the bathroom - that's just being forgetful. If you forget to unzip before going to the bathroom - that's Alzheimer's.

I really feel torn about making jokes about this terrible disease, but that's one way of dealing with it.

Cowboy Singer

There was this country singing cowboy in a dark saloon one night. He got up to play and announced his first song,

"I wrote this one a long time ago, its called 'Ol' Boil on My Foot is Burnin'"

The audience had a general look of confusion but the cowboy went on to play most beautiful, ...

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