Onto Jokes - 136 Hilarious Onto Jokes

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third B...

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A shipwrecked man washes up onto a deserted beach.

He meets a couple that's also stranded there. He and the wife immediately lock eyes and feel the chemistry for some genital bonding.

The Husband tells the Stranger: "hey man, see that tall coconut tree over there? We take turns all day climbing it to the top and seeing if any ships are approa...

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My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

Au-burn

^He^^He^^^He^^^^He

Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

I sneaked onto a beach early this morning.

The coast was clear.

At the airport today a man fainted and slumped over onto the luggage carousel.

He slowly came around.

I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

"Hurt me!" she cried, jumping onto the bed and stripping her clothes off seductively...

"Alright," I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister."

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2 nuns driving down the road when a vampire jumps out onto the bonnet.

Sister Mary: "What will we do?"

Sister Angela "Show him your cross"

*sister Mary leans out the window*

Sister Mary "Get off my fuckin bonnet!"

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

A spider ran onto my keyboard

It is under control

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

A woman walks onto a bus

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby. As she scans her card, the bus driver looks up to her and says, "Have a sea... Whoa, that is an ugly baby!!".
The lady is shocked and shields the baby with her hand and takes a seat. She just sits there getting more and more angry. The man sitting n...

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Stalin wakes up one morning and walks onto his balcony to see the sun rise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

The pirate comes up onto the deck

The pirate comes up onto the deck and finds the captain.

"The cannons be ready, Sire!" announced the pirate.

The captain replies, "Are".

This joke was brought to you by the grammar police.

An airplane crashes onto an old cemetery

The police reports over 3.500 dead people

Stuck a photo of my ex onto my boomerang.

Now it only comes back when I get rich.

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A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

“All politicians are assholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”

Q: What’s green, has six legs, and if it drops out of a tree onto you will kill you?

A: A pool table.

Bonus Joke!!!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn't matter, he won't come.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

A group of engineering teachers walk onto a plane..

..the teachers were on their way to an engineering confrence. The pilot came on the intercom and welcomed the teachers on board. He then said, "Teachers, we have word that your students completed all the math and physics that went into building this plane."

In a hurry, all the teachers rushe...

If you take goat milk onto the ISS...

... it becomes oat milk.

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I'm pissed. The window on my house FELL OFF onto my front lawn!

It's a pane in the grass.

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A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.

The only survivors are two guys and a girl. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex.

Eventually, the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex.

After a few days of it,...

An artist created an exact portrait of me just by projecting saliva onto the canvas

It was my spitting image

A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...

Why did Penny push Sheldon onto the grease fire?

She was trying to put out the fire with a wet blanket

After a long flight, the Captain comes onto the PA to address the passengers

I've got good news and bad news...the bad news we are completely lost and had just enough fuel to get to the destination. The good news we are almost out of gas so we should be getting close.

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

a Frenchman sneezed paint onto a canvas

He showed it to a friend, who was astounded.

“Who’s responsible for this remarkable piece of work?”

The Frenchman smiled and said, “Mon nez”

A man walked onto a plane, holding a vulture.

The stewardess asked "What the heck is that?"

He said "It's my carri-on luggage"

*sorry sorry sorry*

So a spider just crawled onto my keyboard

But don't worry I think it's under ctrl.

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Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?

Ass skin for a friend.

A guy is playing golf with his wife...

They're on the 12th hole and the guy slices his tee shot right into the woods. He trudges into the woods, and locates his ball. it's in a little clearing, but there is a big barn between him and the green.

He takes a good look, and says, "Listen, honey, I think if you hold the barn door ope...

My toothpaste fell off of my brush and right onto the floor before I got to brush

I was Crestfallen

A man walked onto a bus with an elephant.

He stuffs a piece of bread into each ear of the elephant.

"What the hell is that???" Yelled the shocked driver.

The man replies, annoyed "None of your business what I put in my sandwich."

A bear walks onto a bar and orders a round of drinks.

I'd like 2 pints of Carlsberg, 2 pints of Stella and a packet of . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cheese and onion crisps.
The barman asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear replies, "so I can rip apart seals"

Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp

It was Marsh Madness!

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A punk gets onto a bus.

A few seats next to him he sees a young beautiful nun.

After the nun gets off the bus, the bus driver discretely asks the punk: "I saw how you looked at her, she sure is hot, isn't she?"

Punk: "Yes, she is"

Driver: "You would love to fuck her, right?"

Punk: "Sure,...

A strange insect crawled onto my kitchen counter & exploded!

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs

"I saw a famous rapper urinating onto a gravestone."

"P. Diddy?"

"Yes, onto a gravestone."

What do you get when you pour Red Bull onto a clock?

A waste of time and energy.

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter onto the White House lawn

He's carrying a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice trade, sir!"

In a circus full of people the entertainer walks onto the stage

"Ladies and gentlemen! Up next is our brand new act. Welcome to the stage - the boy with a phenomenal memory".

Following the entertainers introduction, a boy comes out from behind the stage, starting to unzip his pants.

"Now the said boy is going to urinate on everyone in the front ro...

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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.

C...

Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...

The game would likely be cancelled

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A drunk man staggers onto an elevator

There's a woman already in the car. The drunk slurs, "Can I smell your pussy?"

"No!" the woman exclaims angrily.

"Must be your shoes then."

As the guillotine came down onto my wrists, I thought...

This is the worst day ever. Hands down.

How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?

Pokemon.

A blind person tripped on his way into a restaurant and crashed onto the floor.

The waiter rushed up and asked if he was ok. The blind man said "Fall...awlful..." And the waiter said "sorry we don't have that on the menu but there's a Mediterranean place next door."

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A masochist walks out onto the street, screaming "Please, hurt me, please!"

As he tears his shirt and wails out, a crowd gathers around him, until finally, a sadist steps forward.

Once more, the man screams to him, pleading "Please, hurt me, I need it!"

To which, the sadist walks around him in a circle, smirks at him, and says "No".

All credit to my o...

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A pissed drunk man stumbles onto the bus on his way home...

When he finally hobbles his way to the last empty seat, he turns to see a posh stiff lady seated with her frilly pink French poodle.

He turns his head shakily and slurs, "Where'dh ye get tha' pig?"

The lady huffs and retorts, "Ugh! Why, I'll have you know Mr. Squiggles is **not** a pig...

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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun.....

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.
The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If ...

In a concert hall, the concertmaster walks onto the stage to announce the performance

"Piano Concerto no. 1, by Frederic Chopin", - he says, followed by the musician sitting down at the piano.

The pianist starts playing, and is close to a virtuoso. The performance is flawless, the audience applauds in awe, when a large figured man in a really expensive suit emerges from the f...

So I went onto r/wooooosh for the first time today...

I just don't get it.

Did you hear about the French man who fell off his roof onto a pile of bread?

He survived, but was in a lot of pain.

(Le pain means bread in French)

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My wife is going to kill me for ejaculating onto the spice rack

My thyme has cum

Fats Domino died after falling onto another family member...

Who fell onto another family member, Who fell onto another family member, Who fell onto another family member, Who fell onto another family member...

When I went to my interview, I poured a glass of water and it overflowed onto the table. The interviewer asked if I was nervous and I said no -

I always give it 110%

A drunken man walks onto a coffee shop

- Do you have iced coffee?
- No sir. We don't.
- Ok then, says the drunken man.

Then he gets on his way. 15min later he comes again.

- Do you have iced coffee?
- No sir. We don't. I told you before.
- Sorry about that, says the drunken man.

Then he gets on his way. ...

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and does a sommersault, a cartwheel and finally backflips onto a barstool.
The bartender asks him: "Wow! How did you do that?" The horse answers: "Well, I've worked in the circus for all my life, so that's how." The barman nods approvingly and gives the horse a free drink...

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A man shuffles onto a crowded hotel elevator.

Since he couldn't press the floor button, he stated, "Ballroom please".

The lady next to him shuffles a little bit and replies "Sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

What's the word for when someone tries shift the blame of their fart onto someone else?

>!Gaslighting!<

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking!

Thinking the accusation was ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

She said: Your meat.

A mechanic falls onto his tools...

It was a gut-wrenching experience.

A Mexican man walks onto a field in America and places his flag into the ground.

The owner of the field then says "Hey, what are you doing? This is America, what is your Mexican flag doing here?"

The Mexican looks confused at the American before replying "I hear this free country, yes? I buy America."

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A man and woman step onto an elevator

after the doors close, the man leans into the woman and asks "can I smell your vagina?" shocked, the woman screams "No, you cannot" "Oh" the man replies, "then it must be your feet"

A bear and a pony walked onto the stage at a convention...

And the pony went up to the microphone and said, "Bear with me, I'm a little horse."

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three that while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in their vices again, they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist, the three men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says, "Fuck it. That guy was full of shit. There's ...

TSA stopped me while I was boarding my flight and said “Sir, you can’t bring that crow onto the aircraft.”

I said “Don’t worry. It’s a carrion.”

A very sick main walks onto a pier.

He slowly stumbles around and eventually makes his way to the end of the dock to a small shed.

He stands in front of it and knocks on the door. As soon as someone answers he whimpers, "Can anyone in the help me?"

An old sailor takes one look at him, and says "I think you're at the wro...

I wasn't allowed to bring my board game onto the airplane

They told me the risk was too big.

What’s the easiest way to sneak a bomb onto a plane?

Buy a galaxy note 7

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Two nuns are driving through Transylvania one night...

...when suddenly a vampire jumps onto the front of the car and starts screeching at them.

The head nun swerves back and forth, trying to shake off the vampire, but he is too strong.

Looking at the crucifix around her partner's neck, the head nun has an idea. She says to the other nun, ...

A man walks onto a beach..

Says "boy do I love drinking this whisky on the sand"

Jesus replies "be careful my child, have it on the rocks"

A blonde goes onto a game show.

The game show goes something like this: There are 3 contestants and 100 jokes that the host tells. Once a contestant laughs at one of the jokes, they are out. If one of the contestants gets through all 100 jokes without laugh, they win a million dollars.

So the 3 contestants are a blonde, a b...

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk onto a bar.

Since it wasn't foretold in scripture, they didn't listen to the people telling them to duck.

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

My boyfriend slammed me onto the table and banged me all day long

Life as a keyboard is good.

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My pal got Einstein tattooed onto his arsehole.

He's such a wisecrack.

My mate got "Stella Artois" tattooed onto his stomach.

Now he's got a beer belly.

I'm having a really tough time coming up with new phrases to put onto custom cutting boards...

I guess I have writer's block.

doctor 1: this sailor broke his nose from crashing onto land.

doctor 1: Luckily they're just mariner injuries.

doctor 2: are you shore? they seem pretty bad to me.

doctor 1: nonsense, you can seafarer self.

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

How do trees get onto the internet

they log in

Two blondes walk onto a double decker bus

This one's a classic I heard years ago from my grandma and I still enjoy hearing and telling.

So two blondes are traveling in London together and decide to get onto a double decker bus to reach their next stop. However, the bus is so crowded that one of the friends has to sit on the bottom of...

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A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :

"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

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Three men were shipwrecked and washed up onto a tropical island...

After the first night the men woke up in the morning and were surrounded by a native tribe of the island.

Not being able to understand the language the men believed they were being rescued by the tribe.

They returned to the tribes village and quickly learned that tribe was cannibalis...

Q: How can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.

I need a new car, I can't seem to hang onto my Fords.

I always seem to lose my Focus.

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

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So a man crashes his plane onto a deserted island...

After a while of being alone the man begins to grow incredibly horny. He spots a donkey off in the distance and decides to go for it. The donkey isn’t having any of it and quickly evades the man. Years go by and he still just can’t catch the damn donkey. One day an unconscious woman washes up on the...

Why don't people sympathize when your books fall onto the floor?

Because you only have your shelf to blame.

I used to get irrationally angry at ice cubes and throw them onto the floor.

But now it's just water under the fridge.

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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What th...

I downloaded corn onto my computer.

It messed up the kernel.

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A man gets onto a bus.

He is carrying two large barrels under his arms. The bus driver says: "you can't take those barrels onto the bus. What's in there anyway?"

The passenger replies: "Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump."

The driver asks: "no, really, what's in there?"

The passenger repeats: "Hillary ...

A man accidentally dropped his kitchen knife onto his foot and unfortunately lost his toe.

The Doctor said "I have good news and bad news"

Man.. "Whats the bad news Doc?

Doc.. "Well, you see, they had to replace your toe with a piece of candy."

Man.. "Candy? So what's the good news?"

Doc.. "You now have tic tac toe"

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A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

Be careful about drunk driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit...

3 men get onto a plane

One is English, one is French and the other is German.

The English man drops a stone, the french drops a knife and the German drops a bomb

When the English man gets back his Dad is in the garden crying. He asks why. His Dad says "Me and your Mother were gardening when a stone dropped f...

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

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A kid gets onto his school bus and starts annoying the bus driver...

The little kid sits down in the front seat and starts saying
kid:"If my parents were tigers, id be a little tiger!'
kid: "If my parents were giraffes, id be a little giraffe!"

Bus Driver: "shut up, shut up"

Kid: "If my parents were dogs id be a little dog!"

finally the dri...

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When I got home yesterday I saw my girlfriend had thrown all my stuff onto the front lawn.

I asked her what she doing and she said "I saw your browser history! Get out of my life you paedophile!"

I thought this was absolutely crazy!

When the fuck did they start teaching words like "paedophile" to eight year-olds?

So I heard the new Iphone is gonna have that new Stephen King movie preloaded onto it.

Yeah. X is gonna give IT to ya.

A man is nailing siding onto a house, but he throws away every second or third nail he picks up.

The boss says "you're wasting nails, why are you throwing so many away!?"

"They are pointed on the wrong side" says the employee.

"You idiot" the boss exclaims, "those are for the other side of the house".

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

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A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how yo...

A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost.

it left no tern unstoned.

Researchers used CRISPR to encode a movie onto DNA

Time to create some viral memes

4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.

The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.

The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and sayin...

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

I saw a thistle painting onto a canvas.

It was an artychoke.

A guy at a bar goes up onto the stage at an open mic night.

“I had a Russian friend once...

And a— *taps * Check, one, two.”

A man walks onto a plane...

... He has a dead rabbit under each arm. The stuardess turns: "I'm sorry, sir. You're only allowed one item of carrion"

the stranded woman and the kind indian

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes...

What square did the knight move onto A6 from?

The square that it was on B4

I dropped some hair removal cream onto my globe.

Now I feel like I've got the world at my Veet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks onto the campus of Yale university

He walks up to a student and asks "where's the bathroom at?"
The student responds haughtily, "here at Yale, we're taught not to end a sentence with a preposition.
The man realizing his mistake corrects himself, "where's the bathroom at, asshole?"

I was playing games on my pc and my cat kept jumping onto my desk.

I had to put him down.

i accidentally stumbled onto /r/lighterthanair/

nothing seems to be rising

When driving an electric car, never turn onto a dead end street.

you'll be stuck on a road with No Outlet.

A guy walks into a bar, takes off his hat and places it onto the counter. A duck jumps out.

The bartender asks, "Can I help you, sir?"

The guy orders a shot.

The bartender asks the guy if his duck friend wants anything, and the duck says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary."

"Oh! You're a talking duck!" the bartender says. "What's your name?"

"Houie," the duck says. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump's Inauguration Speech Was Uploaded onto Pornhub

"Rich White Man Fucks Entire Country"

Which font do the protesters use to paint BLACK LIVES MATTER onto the streets of New York City?

Times Square New Roman.

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