UPJOKE
hardtougharduousroughawkwardrockytroublesomeruggedseriousherculeanchallengingproblematictrickydelicatedifficulty

Why is chess so difficult for British people?

Cause they just lost the queen.

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. They approach the most difficult water hole on the course.

Moses steps up and puts his drive straight into the hazard. He calmly walks to the edge of the pond and raises his club. The waters part, Moses walks down to his ball, and chips it onto the green.

Jesus, up next, also sends his drive into the drink. He calmly walks out over the water, loc...

"It's really difficult, my partner is constantly in and out of prison."

"Babe, that's a terrible way to tell people I'm a Corrections Officer."

People say starting your own business is difficult,

but I met a lady starting her own clothing company whose signature piece was produced in a completely automated factory. She made it seamstress free.

Why are abortion jokes the most difficult to tell?

It's all about the delivery.

I just finished writing my book on penguins. It was very difficult and tiresome but I managed to finish it.

I should have probably taken my the advice from the publisher, friends and family to write it on paper to make it easier.

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

Why do people in Athens have a difficult time waking up?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

A man tells his friend that his wife is one of twins. 'It must be difficult telling them apart' says the friend.

'Oh, it is' says the man 'Especially now her brother's shaved his beard off'

What is the most difficult animal to hunt in Africa?

The Polar bear.

Moving to Louisiana after living in California has been quite difficult

New Orleans is fine, but it's NOLA

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Tattoo

A man wanted to get a tattoo. The only issue was, the tattoo was an devilishly intricate design. He went to his local tattoo parlor, only to get turned away as the artist was not skilled enough. He tried again in a busy parlor in the middle of a nearby city, only to be told it was too difficult once...

Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records

As a stand-up comic with a lisp, it can be difficult to convey sarcasm online

/th

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

My wife and I have reached that difficult decision. We do not want children.

So, If anybody does, please just send me your contact details

and we can drop them off even tomorrow.

It's difficult to say what my wife does...

She sells sea shells on the sea shore

I am irrationally scared of places like shopping centres, particularly if they are confusing and difficult to navigate.

I have a complex complex complex.

Bach, the great composer, was having a difficult time writing new music.

With 20 kids in the house, it was hard for him to find quiet time to work.

So he decided to find a quiet place outdoors, and found a small shed in the woods. Unfortunately, it was so far from his home, that by the time he got there and started writing, it was time to go back home for lunch. ...

Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem.

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

Some people say that getting karma on Reddit is difficult.

But in reality it’s just a piece of cake.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

What’s the hardest cult to join?

A difficult.

Why is it so difficult to work at an apple pie factory?

Because they have such a high turnover rate!

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A guy walks into a sex shop...

to buy his wife a toy while he's away on business. He tells the clerk he needs something that will get the job done as she's difficult to please. The clerk goes in the back, brings up this strange box, and tells the guy he needs to use caution because it is a powerful tool. The guy asks how it's us...

"Is the Fibonacci sequence difficult to understand?"

"No. It's as easy as 1,1,2,3..."

What is more difficult than getting an assault rifle in the U.S.?

Getting a water bottle in a Georgia voting line

Noticing a woman sitting alone at a table in a bar...

.. a man goes over to chat with her. After talking to her for a while he makes his move. "Stop!" says the woman as the man tries to kiss her. "I'm sorry but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I truly love." "Wow", says the man, "that must be difficult." "It's not too bad", replied the woma...

Things that are difficult

Sometimes its hard to swallow your pride.

Unless you are a cannibal lion.

I heard we’re telling bad jokes, so here’s mine.

Long ago there lived a Cheerio in a small village beneath a giant mountain, which had a small town of its own on top.

This famous town was known for one thing, in this town, if you wait in line, you can receive anything that you want, but to reach it, you must climb the difficult mountain al...

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Memories of my grandma

I grew up with 2 brothers and a sister. Our parents tried their best - but it was difficult for them to make time for each of us as individuals. That's why each of the kids alternated spending a weekend at grandma's every month.

I always looked forward to that Saturday morning breakfast. G...

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Why is fishing with Skrillex so difficult?

He keeps dropping the bass.

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I find it difficult too make eye contact with women because I'm very shy

I also can't stop staring at their tits

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

Mitzi told her friend that she’s now working in theatre.

She said, “Yes, I’m responsible for handing out the roles”.

Her friend asked, “Isn’t that a difficult job?”

Mitzi replied, “No, every toilet has one.”

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It's difficult to make meaningful relationships when you have a big dick

I'm just struggling to fit in

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

I didn’t realise how difficult it was being an electrician until I tried it myself

I was shocked

I was forced into a difficult situation and I needed a scape goat.

It turns out that keeping an emotional support goat on the fire escape is not such a good idea.

Where do you go to study the most difficult ice cream recipes?

Sundae school...

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

Fat people get a lot of humiliation these days

This has to stop, being fat is already such a difficult thing. To deal with all the jokes and humiliation is so difficult. If you are fat and someone behaved bad with you for being fat, don't let that weigh you down. You already have a lot weighing you down.

A priest and a rabbi are having lunch

They have been friends for years, talking about their lives and their faith over lunch for as long as they can remember.

One day the priest says, "My friend, I must ask a difficult question, and if you don't answer, I'll understand. But I am too curious. Your faith prohibits you from eating...

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

A difficult therapy

"Doctor, I tell you, the therapy you gave me for my insomnia was too hard"

"What? I just recommended warm milk, honey and a hot bath before going to sleep. What's so hard about that?!"

"Well, milk and honey was easy, but the hot bath... I was never able to drink it all... "

Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult?

Because X was always 10

Difficult questions

A son asks his dad "Daddy, what is string theory?"

The dad replied "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier"

The son then asks "Um ok so why does mommy get mad sometimes?"

"String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like p...

Priest/Rabbi

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

“What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job.” replied the P...

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

What makes communist jokes so difficult?

You have to make sure that everyone gets them.

The original red shirt story

There's this mighty sailing ship, a British frigate, cruising the Seven Seas, and one day the lookout shouts down from the crow's nest, "Captain! Captain! There's two pirate ships heading our way! They mean to attack! What should we do?"

And the captain, he says, "Bring me my red shirt."<...

I just learned my Great Great Uncle George was in the Navy.

They gave him a burial at sea but it was really difficult because the water kept falling out of the shovel.

My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was.

The end result was a tie.

Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?

Because it wasn't apparent who did it.

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Kiss

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip pri...

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

Having a trans parent is really difficult for kids.

It feels like they are never there.

Organic chemistry is difficult.

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

Trying to read multiple versions of The Bible at the same time is really difficult.

You have to do a lot of...cross referencing.

It's difficult to explain the carcinogenic siding on my house.

But I can try asbestos I can.

I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women make their lives more difficult. Just think about where men would be without women...

Still in the Garden of Eden.

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No one wanted to join me on the difficult mountain trail.

They all said it was a hard pass.

English is a difficult language.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Jeff Bezos worked long, difficult hours for little pay to fulfill his lifelong dream...

...of making other people work long, difficult hours for little pay.

Since COVID, dating has been difficult

and the pickup lines have only gotten longer

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Why Does A Penis Have Such A Difficult Life?

His closest friends are nuts, his backdoor neighbor is an asshole, and he has to regularly take a beating.

Been trying to organize a local hide and seek competition, but it's been quite difficult.

Good players are just hard to find.

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.

Then suddenly the penne dropped.

It's not that difficult to eat a clock...

...But it's time consuming.

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Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?

Because they're extinct.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, a...

I don't understand why guys think it's so difficult to take off a girl's bra.

I can do it with both hands behind my back!

How difficult would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York?

It would be a hard drive.

Why was it difficult to write on papyrus?

Because it was reed only.

Why is it difficult for orphans to play baseball?

Because it's hard to find home

People say swallowing eggs, flour and water all at once is a difficult task, but I beg to differ.

It's a piece of cake.

Fixing a door myself proved to be rather difficult.

I could never quite get the handle on it.

If reincarnation does exist, I want to be reincarnated as a fly.

Just to see if it really is that difficult to escape from my bedroom.

There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science

0: Naming things
1: Cache invalidation
2: Off by one errors

Is difficult to distinguish between cirrus, stratus, and cumulus clouds...

...especially since most of the time they are in de-skies.

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.

One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

2020 has been difficult down here in Alabama.

2019 was tough too though. I lost a dad and uncle. I sure do miss him..

What did the farmer say to the corn that was being difficult?

Go shuck yourself.


What did the mom say to her child walking through the cornfield?

Watch out for stalkers.


Sorry for all the corny jokes.

You know it’s really difficult to find a proper steak pun

It really is a Rare Medium Well done

Any blind redditors, what's the most difficult thing about being blind?

Serious answers only.

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My Au Pair from Finland has been finding school very difficult of late.

So much anticipation and excitement around my school as it's the first Dux Scholar we've ever had.

Anticipation runs high as we'd all like to see his academic capabilities in our 'not-so-great' school.



Every subject imaginable; Physics, Geography, English, Chemistry etc, we are...

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It’s difficult to have sex with my crooked penis.

But my girlfriend bends over backwards to accommodate me.

Addition, subtraction and multiplication might be difficult for Americans.

But goddamn are they good at dividing.

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

“I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It’s not.”

Mine had me trained in two days.

The cold January Month is making life difficult for the couple

The German wife says "I so desperately wish for April"

The Husband though thoughtful of their economic toils consoles her and says he'll try everything he can.

The husband comes home gaily one day and proclaims "Here's your Pril"

It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

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Why is being a homeless homosexual difficult?

The person doesn't have a closet to come out of

First kiss is always difficult for guys.

You need to be firm but at the same time you need to be gentle. You need to be manly but you don't wanna wake her up.

Prepare three envelopes

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things...

My GF always helps me with difficult tasks

She's my right hand

Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.

It’s the wurst.

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A difficult marriage.

A husband and wife were having marital struggles due to constant disagreements and an imbalance in responsibilities. The husband would come home from work and yell at his wife for not having dinner ready. The wife would yell at the husband for ignoring all the cleaning she's done when he tracked his...

Using every letter in the alphabet in just one sentence makes things difficult, but to be fair...

quiz wax

Lately I’ve been dating a blind girl, and I find that it is incredibly rewarding. I do find some things quite difficult though

I still struggle to get her husbands voice right

In New York, it's difficult to go out on the water with your board...

But since everyone is wearing a face covering, it's extremely easy to waterboard.

When I was a kid I didn't know how difficult it was to conceal an erection sometimes.

I had to learn the hard way.

Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

With some many streaming services it's difficult to pick between Disney+ and Hulu Plus

Personally, I prefer LGBTQ+

Growing ups always been difficult

it’s always been a walk to school or bring your lunch kinda life

What do you tell someone who has just stuck a gun in your mouth?

It's difficult to say

It was very difficult and challenging for me to date a blind girl.

It took me days to speak in her husband's voice perfectly.

I don't understand why 9/11 is such a difficult topic.

It's 0.8181, don't people have calculators?

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole

Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

I find abortion to be a difficult topic.

On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.

My Doctor just advised me to quit drinking. This is going to be really difficult and a big adjustment...

I’ve been with this Doctor for 35 years.

They say making hay is difficult...

I don't know, it seems rather cut and dried...

I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

It was called Tryopenin

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

What do you call a group of 3 finned whales that never gives up and are difficult to knock over??

A tri-pod

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