My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

What makes communist jokes so difficult?

You have to make sure that everyone gets them.

Been trying to organize a local hide and seek competition, but it's been quite difficult.

Good players are just hard to find.

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

Is difficult to distinguish between cirrus, stratus, and cumulus clouds...

...especially since most of the time they are in de-skies.

“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence difficult to understand?”

“No. It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3...”

Jeff Bezos worked long, difficult hours for little pay to fulfill his lifelong dream...

...of making other people work long, difficult hours for little pay.

Addition, subtraction and multiplication might be difficult for Americans.

But goddamn are they good at dividing.

2020 has been difficult down here in Alabama.

2019 was tough too though. I lost a dad and uncle. I sure do miss him..

Why is it difficult to explain periods to blind people?

They don't see the point.

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Difficult things to say when Drunk. 1. Innovative 2.Preliminary 3.Cinnamon. Very Difficult things to say when Drunk. 1.Specificity 2.Passive-disorder 3.Transubstantiate

Things that are just down right impossible to say when drunk.
1.No thanks, I’m married.
2.Nope, no more for me.
3.No, I don’t want to see your tits.

I thought it would be difficult to talk to my doctor about my recent problems with impotence.

But It wasn't really that hard.

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

I had a difficult time with my subjects one sem

so I decided to drop my communist class because of lousy Marx.

It was very difficult and challenging for me to date a blind girl.

It took me days to speak in her husband's voice perfectly.

Fixing a door myself proved to be rather difficult.

I could never quite get the handle on it.

People say swallowing eggs, flour and water all at once is a difficult task, but I beg to differ.

It's a piece of cake.

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

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Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?

Because they're extinct.

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

What do you call a group of 3 finned whales that never gives up and are difficult to knock over??

A tri-pod

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

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Why is being a homeless homosexual difficult?

The person doesn't have a closet to come out of

It's not that difficult to eat a clock...

...But it's time consuming.

Any blind redditors, what's the most difficult thing about being blind?

Serious answers only.

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A difficult marriage.

A husband and wife were having marital struggles due to constant disagreements and an imbalance in responsibilities. The husband would come home from work and yell at his wife for not having dinner ready. The wife would yell at the husband for ignoring all the cleaning she's done when he tracked his...

Why was it difficult to write on papyrus?

Because it was reed only.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

The cold January Month is making life difficult for the couple

The German wife says "I so desperately wish for April"

The Husband though thoughtful of their economic toils consoles her and says he'll try everything he can.

The husband comes home gaily one day and proclaims "Here's your Pril"

In New York, it's difficult to go out on the water with your board...

But since everyone is wearing a face covering, it's extremely easy to waterboard.

My GF always helps me with difficult tasks

She's my right hand

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Math is Really Difficult For Me

How the fuck am I supposed to do it when it's not begging me to stop?

Organic chemistry is difficult.

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

When I was a kid I didn't know how difficult it was to conceal an erection sometimes.

I had to learn the hard way.

I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

It was called Tryopenin

Why is it difficult to tell jokes to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

First kiss is always difficult for guys.

You need to be firm but at the same time you need to be gentle. You need to be manly but you don't wanna wake her up.

What’s even more difficult than getting your pregnant wife into a MINI Cooper?

Getting your wife pregnant in a MINI Cooper

Why is it difficult for people with foot fetishes to make friends?

Cause they always seem to get off on the wrong foot.

Lately I’ve been dating a blind girl, and I find that it is incredibly rewarding. I do find some things quite difficult though

I still struggle to get her husbands voice right

Why do most of the people find it difficult to complete PhD?

Because they get a third degree treatment.

Before difficult descisions I like to consult both my head and my heart.

Although my head tells me to make rational and educated descisions, my heart tells me that I need to exercise more.

Wife keeps saying baking is difficult. Finally tried my hand at it

It was a piece of cake

To all those going through something difficult in 2020

Just go around it!!

Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.

It’s the wurst.

It’s pretty difficult to make jokes about death sentences.

The execution must be flawless.

I used to love every inch of my wife, but it's been difficult of late.

I still love her, I'm just measuring in feet now.

With some many streaming services it's difficult to pick between Disney+ and Hulu Plus

Personally, I prefer LGBTQ+

Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?

Because it wasn't apparent who did it.

women vs men

Women are so difficult. Always changing their minds...,

At 18, they want handsome men.

At 25, they want mature men.

At 30, they want successful men.

At 40, they want established men.

At 50, they want faithful men.

At ...

What did the farmer say to the corn that was being difficult?

Go shuck yourself.


What did the mom say to her child walking through the cornfield?

Watch out for stalkers.


Sorry for all the corny jokes.

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3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.

First man says, “I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It’s getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.”

The second guy says, “I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to poop with no trouble. It’s getting more difficult even with fruits and veggie...

Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult?

Because X was always 10

Feeling amorous after a difficult day...

...the President hops into bed next to the first lady.

She immediately lets out a shriek. "Christ!!! Your feet are cold!!!"

He chuckles and replies "That's OK honey...You can just call me Donald when we're in bed."

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give ...

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

It's difficult to tell people what my wife does for a living...

She sells seashells by the seashore.

It is difficult to tell who gives some couples the most happiness.

The minister who marries
them or the judge who divorces them.

It's difficult to say what my wife does.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

English is difficult

It can be understood though through tough thorough thought

Car Keys

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is,...

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It must be really difficult for an OCD person to have sex

Every time their partner gets turned on, they turn them back off again.

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Jungle snooker. (Long Old joke, but then I’m old so you may not have heard it)

An elephant, a crocodile and a snake met by a riverbank, they had known each other for years and were pals. How about a game ? said the crocodile and the others agreed. Jungle snooker? Asked the elephant. Don’t know that one said the snake, how’s it played? Well said the elephant it’s like table ...

Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon his arrival, the Devil greets him warmly and with an especially big smile on his face.

Devil:”Donald Trump, welcome to hell! I had an especially difficult time selecting your eternal punishment, and so for a treat I’m going to allow you to choose one one three doors and take the place o...

I found a note in with my drive-thru order saying there were two armed men in the kitchen.

Thank god for that, it would be pretty difficult to make a chicken wrap with only one arm!

Using every letter in the alphabet in just one sentence makes things difficult, but to be fair...

quiz wax

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My friend said it's really difficult to make jerky...

but it seems pretty cut and dry to me.

So I’ve just been watching the rugby World Cup, must be really difficult to be a referee in Russia

Whenever they say the put in isn’t straight, they get arrested

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Never have sex before 20

It can be difficult to perform in front of an audience.

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First Time Teacher

Day 1 of home schooling


0800  opened school website to get assignments.


0900  found where assignments were hidden on the website.


0915  called school to have the website explained.


0930  called school again.


0945  Had wife call school ...

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I ran into the drummer from my old high school garage band...

After the usual "we should get the band back together" bullshit, we started talking about how life has been over all these years gone by.

I told him my wife (coincidentally, also a guitar player) and I have 6 happy and healthy kids now. And how, oh so cleverly, we named them after the common ...

They say making hay is difficult...

I don't know, it seems rather cut and dried...

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Necromancer: 'Not if they are buried close together.'

Man: 'What ? ... '

Necromancer: 'What ? ... '

It's not difficult to be a taxi driver if you're dyslexic.

It's easy as CAB

I put a padlock on the refrigerator and superglued the key to the bottom of my big toe making it difficult to access the food.

I’m on the Key Toe Diet!

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NSFW - Prepping for Anal

My friend was telling me how difficult it is to prep for anal.

Apparently it is a hole ordeal.

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3 Guys in hell

This is the story of an engineer from intel, a guy from the pentagon, and a small skateboarder all three ended up in hell after signing a contract with the devil himself

so he says to them

\- I will give each of you a chance to go to paradise, but beware, no second chance, it's eith...

My friend went on a vacation to Finland over the summer but he found communicating with the locals to be difficult

He had trouble finnishing his sentences

My Doctor just advised me to quit drinking. This is going to be really difficult and a big adjustment...

I’ve been with this Doctor for 35 years.

Arranging a funeral for my boss is turning out to be more difficult than I thought.

He keeps asking what we are doing.

My father has had a very difficult week

Someone stole his favorite playing cards and I don't know if he'll ever be able to deal with the loss.

I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

It was very difficult to differentiate between them.

Why is it difficult for alcoholics to become lawyers?

It’s hard for them to pass the bar.

I don't understand why guys think it's so difficult to take off a girl's bra.

I can do it with both hands behind my back!

At first it was difficult to remember how to throw a boomerang.

Then it started to come back to me.

Apparently doing your homework while watching stand-up comedy is quite difficult

You'd have to read in between the lines

2 men walk into a bar

One of them shouts out "Everyone, drinks on me tonight." People are happy and they ask him what's the special occasion. He replies, me and my friend solved an extremely difficult puzzle in just 3 months. The people are like, "Damn that sure must have been an extremely hard puzzle." "You bet" says th...

My GPS is difficult to use whenever I try to look up specific coordinates.

It has a bad latitude.

I had to traverse some recreational grassland and my friend asked if it was difficult.

I said it was a walk in the park.

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It already wasn't easy to accept that my father is gay. But it was even more difficult when I eventually discovered that...

...my other father is too.

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "

The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "

" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "

To which the lookout replies "...

My 7 year old's first comeback line

My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes.

We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said - oh I really w...

When you are dead you dont know you are dead. It is only difficult for the others.

It is the same when you are stupid.

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

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Doctor Visit

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a diffi...

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.

Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, "I...

The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

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Me: I'm having a difficult time getting over my mother.

Therapist: I've got a trampoline.

I find abortion to be a difficult topic.

On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.

Why is the most difficult phrase to pronounce if you have a lisp?

"I love you"

Source: my father has a lisp

Buying cigarettes has become quite difficult lately.

My dad is trying to get some for over two years now.

Why is it difficult to borrow money from a leprechaun?

Because he’s always a little short.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, a...

Which animals are most difficult to impress?

Goats
Because they find everything "Mehhhhhhhhh".

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I'm majoring in reverse psychology...

... and I ask my advisor if I should take on a second major in reverse engineering. She says

"I don't know about that, sounds pretty difficult."

I think for a second and decide, "I'll do it!"

She shrugs and says, "Alright, don't say I didn't warn you." With that, she opens...

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”

-Abraham Lincoln, 1933

A CEO went on a rock climbing trip with one of his employees.

The CEO, an experienced climber, reached the top of a difficult section and was holding a rope tied to both men. As the employee was climbing up, he lost his grip, and was only saved by the strength of the CEO who was barely able to hang on. The CEO yelled, "Hurry, I'm losing my grip!", but the empl...

It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart

One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

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Translated a joke from Swiss German. (It was a while ago since I heard the joke, so I don't remember it well)

A man died and was on his way to heaven. When he reached, he saw Jesus standing Infront of him. Jesus said: "We have a long way ahead of us. Come...let's walk."

Jesus trying to start a small talk with the man, asked him whether he has has any pet peeves. The man replied: "I don't like it when...

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

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What is the most difficult part about being a paedophile?

Being able to fit in.

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A well-off man is driving home in his new Ferrari...

The man is enjoying the attention from passers-by, and isn't paying much attention to the road. Distracted, he makes a wrong turn and drives off a cliff.

His Ferrari falls to the bottom and smashes to pieces, but by a freak stroke of luck, the man manages to save himself by grabbing onto an ...

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

What do my ex-boyfriend and genital warts have in common?

They're both embarrassing to talk about and difficult to get rid of

What is the most difficult part of the vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

Turns out I need glasses for reading...

So I made the difficult decision to stop reading.

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The song "Earth" by Lil Dicky features musical cameos from dozens of popular singers.

The song was released around Earth Day and promotes the idea that everyone should work together to be green and eco-friendly and save the planet.

Many famous singers had cameos in the song as different animals or other forms of wildlife. Perhaps the most notable cameo was the singer that sang...

It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

I translated this joke from my language hope you people find it funny.

Bill went to the home of his wife's brother who was a farmer after 20 years.

Bill was hungry so he asked for the food.

The farmer yells "Hey Bill is hungry can you bring the food Rotten?".

Bill on hearing this says "Sorry I forgot I had fast today cannot eat the food.".
...

As a punishment I was once made to answer a difficult question while riding up and down the elevator.

....
It was wrong on so many levels.
....

I don't know why people say cancer is so difficult.

I'm already on stage 4

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