Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Either that or the orphanage :)

Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem.

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is fishing with Skrillex so difficult?

He keeps dropping the bass.

People say cats can be moody, changeable, difficult and aloof but that’s really not the case. My cat likes when I stroke her, comes to me when I make noises to get her attention and always comes to get her food when I shake the bag.

Unless she doesn’t.

As a stand-up comic with a lisp, it can be difficult to convey sarcasm online

/th

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's difficult to make meaningful relationships when you have a big dick

I'm just struggling to fit in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

I don't get why people think it's so difficult to quit smoking

I've quit 5 times already

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I find it difficult too make eye contact with women because I'm very shy

I also can't stop staring at their tits

My wife - its difficult to say what she does for a living.

She sells seashells on the seashore.

A difficult therapy

"Doctor, I tell you, the therapy you gave me for my insomnia was too hard"

"What? I just recommended warm milk, honey and a hot bath before going to sleep. What's so hard about that?!"

"Well, milk and honey was easy, but the hot bath... I was never able to drink it all... "

I was forced into a difficult situation and I needed a scape goat.

It turns out that keeping an emotional support goat on the fire escape is not such a good idea.

Things that are difficult

Sometimes its hard to swallow your pride.

Unless you are a cannibal lion.

What is more difficult than getting an assault rifle in the U.S.?

Getting a water bottle in a Georgia voting line

"Is the Fibonacci sequence difficult to understand?"

"No. It's as easy as 1,1,2,3..."

Where do you go to study the most difficult ice cream recipes?

Sundae school...

How difficult is it to get undeserved upvotes on reddit jokes?

Piece of cake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Metamucil changes its name to Facebookmucil

CEO admits the move was difficult, since both firms deliver crap.

Trying to read multiple versions of The Bible at the same time is really difficult.

You have to do a lot of...cross referencing.

I didn’t realise how difficult it was being an electrician until I tried it myself

I was shocked

My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was.

The end result was a tie.

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole

Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When fucking a corpse...

The most difficult thing is to decide which one of you is more rotten.

Why is it difficult for orphans to play baseball?

Because it's hard to find home

It's difficult to explain the carcinogenic siding on my house.

But I can try asbestos I can.

Door to door baby photographer

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

Since COVID, dating has been difficult

and the pickup lines have only gotten longer

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

Difficult questions

A son asks his dad "Daddy, what is string theory?"

The dad replied "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier"

The son then asks "Um ok so why does mommy get mad sometimes?"

"String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reality vs LinkedIn

Reality:

I got my driving license

Linkedin:

I am honored and thrilled to announce that I have been selected among the top 5 applicants who participated in professional and the most-respected exam which evaluates the skills and ability to operate fuel-based vehicles. I cannot wai...

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

What makes communist jokes so difficult?

You have to make sure that everyone gets them.

I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.

Then suddenly the penne dropped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No one wanted to join me on the difficult mountain trail.

They all said it was a hard pass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never have sex before 20.

It can be difficult to perform in front of an audience.

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Does A Penis Have Such A Difficult Life?

His closest friends are nuts, his backdoor neighbor is an asshole, and he has to regularly take a beating.

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

Having a trans parent is really difficult for kids.

It feels like they are never there.

I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women make their lives more difficult. Just think about where men would be without women...

Still in the Garden of Eden.

The story of Sinh and Doodah

Two guys named Singh and Doodah decide to go out to the bush to work where the wages are higher. Second day on the job a cable snaps and Doodah is killed. Singh has to go back to the city and tell Doodah's wife the bad news. He is very nervous about how he is going to tell her such a thing. Dood...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Papal Ailment

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques. None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him. Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour, he came out and told the cardinals that the Pope...

Jeff Bezos worked long, difficult hours for little pay to fulfill his lifelong dream...

...of making other people work long, difficult hours for little pay.

Been trying to organize a local hide and seek competition, but it's been quite difficult.

Good players are just hard to find.

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

I was struggling to pick up a bottle of water in Morrisons the other day, so I turned to the woman working there and said "Why is this bottle so difficult to lift?"

She responded "That's because it's an Evian"

Edit 1: Thanks for the awards kind stranger!!!!!

Edit 2: I've never got this many awards! I wish I could give you all one back!!!

Screw dudes who throw cigarettes into urinals

Makes them so difficult to re-light.

How difficult would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York?

It would be a hard drive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking through the park and came across this guy typing on an old-fashioned typewriter.

He tapped his chin for a second before saying, "Othello" and began typing away.

Being the curious jerk that I am, I peered over his shoulder to see what he was doing.

He had typed "Othello" on one line and followed it with a description of the name as classically used in the English ...

german, the language of poets and thinkers

german, the language of poets and thinkers.
also german:

A: we need some new words for all this stuff.

B: okay, what's the first one doing?

A: it's a vehicle that flies.

B: okay. flyingstuff.

A: wow, awesome! okay, the next one is a vehicle that drives.

B...

Why didn't the Romans find algebra very difficult?

Because X was always 10

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A band teacher is giving a quiz to her class where you have to guess the name of a famous song based on a clue.

She starts with the easy clues: "Comedian".

"The Entertainer!" one of the flute players says immediately.

Then the teacher goes to a slightly more difficult clue: "Metal container is able to".

"The Cancan!" a saxophone player responds instantly.

Pleased with the results s...

You know it’s really difficult to find a proper steak pun

It really is a Rare Medium Well done

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Au Pair from Finland has been finding school very difficult of late.

So much anticipation and excitement around my school as it's the first Dux Scholar we've ever had.

Anticipation runs high as we'd all like to see his academic capabilities in our 'not-so-great' school.



Every subject imaginable; Physics, Geography, English, Chemistry etc, we are...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s difficult to have sex with my crooked penis.

But my girlfriend bends over backwards to accommodate me.

Is difficult to distinguish between cirrus, stratus, and cumulus clouds...

...especially since most of the time they are in de-skies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superstition

I was trimming my nails when my Grandfather said with a sigh "You should not cut your nails on Thursdays".
I had never adhered to these superstition but out of curiosity I asked, "What happens when I cut my nails on Thursday?"
He explained, "You see the weekend starts tomorrow Friday, Saturda...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?

Because they're extinct.

Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?

Because it wasn't apparent who did it.

“I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It’s not.”

Mine had me trained in two days.

Fixing a door myself proved to be rather difficult.

I could never quite get the handle on it.

It's not that difficult to eat a clock...

...But it's time consuming.

2020 has been difficult down here in Alabama.

2019 was tough too though. I lost a dad and uncle. I sure do miss him..

People say swallowing eggs, flour and water all at once is a difficult task, but I beg to differ.

It's a piece of cake.

Sometimes it's difficult to get out of a habit.

At least that's what the nun in my bed said.

Addition, subtraction and multiplication might be difficult for Americans.

But goddamn are they good at dividing.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I‘be attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the speech ...

Why was it difficult to write on papyrus?

Because it was reed only.

Any blind redditors, what's the most difficult thing about being blind?

Serious answers only.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chance to escape Hell

The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have se...

Organic chemistry is difficult.

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

Identical Twins

A teenage girl gave birth to identical twin boys. As she realized she was not ready to take care of young children, let alone 2 boys, she made the difficult decision to give them up for adoption.

The boys were adopted immediately. One of them was adopted by a lovely Egyptian family who decide...

Growing ups always been difficult

it’s always been a walk to school or bring your lunch kinda life

English is a difficult language.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

A college student slowly walks into a bar and orders a beer. He starts talking to the bartender.

"What a day. Our physics professor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus." The student complains. "If she wasn't so drop dead gorgeous I would've dropped the class already." The bartender looks at him and says "So you could say she's easy on the eyes, but hard on the pupils?"

What is the most difficult part about eating vegetables?

Getting them out of the wheelchair.

It was very difficult and challenging for me to date a blind girl.

It took me days to speak in her husband's voice perfectly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is being a homeless homosexual difficult?

The person doesn't have a closet to come out of

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf Injuries

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls ...

The cold January Month is making life difficult for the couple

The German wife says "I so desperately wish for April"

The Husband though thoughtful of their economic toils consoles her and says he'll try everything he can.

The husband comes home gaily one day and proclaims "Here's your Pril"

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

In New York, it's difficult to go out on the water with your board...

But since everyone is wearing a face covering, it's extremely easy to waterboard.

My GF always helps me with difficult tasks

She's my right hand

First kiss is always difficult for guys.

You need to be firm but at the same time you need to be gentle. You need to be manly but you don't wanna wake her up.

When I was a kid I didn't know how difficult it was to conceal an erection sometimes.

I had to learn the hard way.

Professor Martins at the University was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

This day one of his students was perturbed because he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting through the lecture for an hour, the student raised his hand. "Professor, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

The profe...

What did the farmer say to the corn that was being difficult?

Go shuck yourself.


What did the mom say to her child walking through the cornfield?

Watch out for stalkers.


Sorry for all the corny jokes.

Lately I’ve been dating a blind girl, and I find that it is incredibly rewarding. I do find some things quite difficult though

I still struggle to get her husbands voice right

Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.

It’s the wurst.

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and...

I don't understand why guys think it's so difficult to take off a girl's bra.

I can do it with both hands behind my back!

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked...

Police Chief to new recruit.

Police Chief: As a recruit, youll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's difficult living with a hand for a penis...

But my condoms fit like a glove.

Why is it difficult to follow no nut November ?

Well, it gets increasingly 'hard' as the days pass by.

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

A deer enters a bar...

A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."

The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"

The deer replied, "Well I c...

With some many streaming services it's difficult to pick between Disney+ and Hulu Plus

Personally, I prefer LGBTQ+

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use

because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.

I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

It was called Tryopenin

Why is it difficult to tell jokes to a kleptomaniac?

They take things literally.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: The Monkey and the Lion

There was a problem amongst the denizens of the jungle.

A monkey had recently been fucking all the different animals in the jungle against their will, save for the lions, as they are at the top of the food chain. Literally all the different animals had fallen victim to the monkey; he was ind...

What’s even more difficult than getting your pregnant wife into a MINI Cooper?

Getting your wife pregnant in a MINI Cooper

Using every letter in the alphabet in just one sentence makes things difficult, but to be fair...

quiz wax

Why is it difficult for people with foot fetishes to make friends?

Cause they always seem to get off on the wrong foot.

Before difficult descisions I like to consult both my head and my heart.

Although my head tells me to make rational and educated descisions, my heart tells me that I need to exercise more.

Why do most of the people find it difficult to complete PhD?

Because they get a third degree treatment.

What’s the most difficult thing to do in private?

Stub your toe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science

0: Naming things
1: Cache invalidation
2: Off by one errors

Why is it difficult to cure blind people?

Because they can't see a doctor.

It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart

One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

Constipation is a difficult word to say.

I have a hard time getting it out.

They say making hay is difficult...

I don't know, it seems rather cut and dried...

It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

I find abortion to be a difficult topic.

On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.

To all those going through something difficult in 2020

Just go around it!!

My Doctor just advised me to quit drinking. This is going to be really difficult and a big adjustment...

I’ve been with this Doctor for 35 years.

I used to love every inch of my wife, but it's been difficult of late.

I still love her, I'm just measuring in feet now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said it's really difficult to make jerky...

but it seems pretty cut and dry to me.

What's the toughest cult to join..

Difficult.

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.