Clearly Jokes - 78 Hilarious Clearly Jokes

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . ...

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Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a clearly underaged girl

Watson: "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing with that girl. She looks like she's in middle school!"

Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

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I nearly got sacked today, simply for refusing to serve a girl who'd clearly had too many.

The fat cunt complained to my McManager.

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A clearly inebriated, stark naked, woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide & began to state at her but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back & said 'what's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old cabbie says" let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you ...

A guy gets into work late one day, clearly upset.

His co-worker asks him “Hey Jim, what happened, man? Why are you late?”

“I got a flat on the way in. Cost me at least an hour dealing with it,” Jim grumbles.

“How’d you get a flat?”

“Eh, I ran over a bottle in the middle of a crosswalk.”

“In the middle of a crosswalk? Did...

Which sequel is clearly better than the original?

World War 2.

A clearly exhausted Pao walks into a pub and orders a drink....

The bartender asks "long day?"

"No, all days are 24 hours long" Pao replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.

My dad felt he was clearly a woman

I guess that makes him TransParent

CLEARLY CHEATING

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

If you're ever locked out of your house, start talking to your lock, calmly and clearly.

After all, a good communication is the key!

Clearly cops will tread on a thin blue line

As long as its your jugular

Talk about unfair. My friend's mom kicked me out of the birthday party when I'd clearly won the scavenger hunt.

She was all like "I don't care how many vultures you shot, get those things out of here!"

I went on a date with a girl who was clearly out of my league.

But she'd heard that I was going to see a movie she wanted to see, and we made a date of it.

On the way over I thought I might get lucky so I went to the drug store and bought a box of condoms.

When I stopped at her house, her family invited me to dinner. I asked if I could say the b...

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Just heard this one at work. Clearly the boss is gone lol

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"

He replies, "It's not for sale."

The woman says, "Please I want *that* one," again he says it's not for sale.

The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred do...

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

I Can See Clearly Now!

There once was a kid named David and he was dating this gal in his history class named Lorraine. The two dated for a couple months, but as time went on he slowly lost his feelings for Lorraine. David begrudgingly continued the relationship with Lorraine, but he started seeing this girl named Clearly...

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if ...

Damn girl are you a piñata?

Because imma need a blindfold before I hit that

Bill Clinton said Hillary is clearly the best choice for president...

He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.

Lorraine and Clearly

A guy had an abusive girlfriend named Lorraine. Lorraine didn't know her boyfriend was cheating on her with a lovely girl named Clearly. In August Lorraine died. At the funeral, People wondered why the guy wasn't sad,and why he was so happy.
When they asked him why he was so happy at the funeral ...

The sheepshank is clearly superior to the fisherman's eye

KNOT

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Speak clearly

A man and woman hook up at a bar. They go back to his place and things quickly start getting hot. Soon they are both naked in bed. He is kissing her all over her body and soon his face is in her crotch licking and kissing her. She hears a muffled voice coming from between her legs saying "urinate, ...

Attorney: My client is clearly trapped in a penny...

Judge: What?

Attorney: He is in a cent.

My grief counselor died recently

Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

My aussie friend was clearly impressed with me..

When i spotted him amongst the dense crowd of people.

Without skipping a beat, first thing he said to me was, “good eye mike!”

What do you call it when you are clearly in the right, but have to admit you were wrong?

A man in a relationship.

Does anyone ever clearly remember being breast fed?

No? Well I guess, then it's just a faint mammary.

At the end of a busy night in a bar a clearly drunk man approaches the bartender. "Hey man," he says, "I'll bet you $50 I can stand at one end of the bar and pee clear to the other end." He has to clean the bar anyway, so this sounds like an easy 50 to the bartender. He agrees.

"Great! I'll be right back." The man then approaches a group of wasted guys in expensive suits and after a little bit of chatting and back slapping, he returns. He climbs onto the bar, whips it out and proceeds to pee...no more than a foot or so distance. The bartender laughs to himself, thinking h...

An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.

He runs to the doctor and asks:

"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"

The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:

"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."

The opposite of "pro" is "con"; that fact is clearly seen.

If "progress" means "move forward", then what does "Congress" mean?

I don't understand why people think money grows on trees when clearly, it actually grows on shrubbery.

That's where hedge funds come from!

People who say they don't care if they get COVID are clearly disturbed...

Because they're down with the sickness.

I was arrested for illegal fishing even though there was clearly no "fishing prohibited" sign...

...apparently that's "very clear" if you're in a hotel lobby with an aquarium.

"You know what really makes my blood boil", asked my clearly agitated wife whilst we watched a show about unsolved crimes.

"Yes", I replied whilst further lowering the atmospheric pressure in her tank.

I paid a guy £10,000 to smash into my ex's bumper. After it was done, I watched her converse with police office, clearly upset.

I don't know why she was sad, though.

She's always liked being hit from behind by random men.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

On my online dating profile it clearly says that I’m 6 foot - 4 inches

So why when I turn up are woman always disappointed that I’m 5’8”

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President Trump's vocabulary is clearly above 4th grade,

for he knows such fancy words as "shithole".

It’s been very weird to see all these people who clearly hate Trump say ‘we wish him well’.

I think a lot of them are just guilty that their first wish came true.

I got this really cool Mickey Mouse watch. It shows the time very clearly.

The dial is really really handy.

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

A student son is visiting his father and upon arrival is clearly upset about something.

His dad asks him what is the matter, and the son replies that he just had a horrible first date with this really pretty girl.

Dad asks what happened.

Son:

“Well she asked me if I go to college. I said no.

Then she asked me if I drive a Mercedes. I truthfully said no.
...

A man cheats on his wife Lorraine with a girl called Clearly

Suddenly Lorraine dies.

At her funeral the man stood up and sang "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone..."

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

I ordered a new blender but they sent me one that had clearly been used.

Seems like there was a mix up at the store.

I was having trouble leaving the building as the ways out were not clearly marked.

It was a true exit stencil crisis.

The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You...

I clearly remember the last words of my Indian grandfather.

"You must bring change in your country".

I never felt the meaning of them so profoundly than when I wanted a bag of crisps with a 1000 rupee bill.

My kid came out to me as trans and asked if I still accepted them for who they are. I told them quite clearly that I loved them no matter what they chose.

I was being transparent.

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A man wanders about a casino and sees a gorgeous woman who is clearly bored

"Hello, I see you're sad, what happened?", he asks.

"Well, I'm not sad really, just a little bored", she answers, "you see, I'm a little kinky and most men around my social status don't really seem to like it".

"Oh really? Well I enjoy being kinky too, so it seems that we have the same...

I walked past the church and I clearly heard two bell-ringers arguing

They were having a right old ding-dong

I've just walked past our local community centre and I could clearly hear these board-game enthusiasts...

...all stood in the porchway bragging endlessly about their various tournament accomplishments.

You might think that sounds like it would have been pretty annoying for me, but infact...

I rather like the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked...

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat.

There seemed to be one
next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there,
he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary
Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have tha...

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

Since Kim Jong Un clearly likes Trump, can we finally all agree that Trump is...

very Un-attractive?

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

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Why couldn't the pony speak clearly?

He was a little hoarse.

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

Three engineers were discussing who created the human body.

The mechanical engineer said “Clearly it was a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints, levers and moving parts.”

“No” said the electrical engineer, “Look at the wired central nervous system and brain to process everything.”

The civil engineer said “You are both wrong. It was a civ...

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

The old man's pool

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

A man sneezes on the subway who clearly has a cold.

The man next to him says in a disgusted tone, "people like you make me sick."

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I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry. He called me a prick and then punched me right in the face!

Apparently theres a nasty bug going around

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