If you're ever locked out of your house, start talking to your lock, calmly and clearly.

After all, a good communication is the key!

China's recent crackdown on effeminate men is comical when you consider that it clearly demonstrates their overall dedication to 'CCPness'.

Talk about mixed messages.

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

My dad felt he was clearly a woman

I guess that makes him TransParent

"You know what really makes my blood boil", asked my clearly agitated wife whilst we watched a show about unsolved crimes.

"Yes", I replied whilst further lowering the atmospheric pressure in her tank.

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

I paid a guy £10,000 to smash into my ex's bumper. After it was done, I watched her converse with police office, clearly upset.

I don't know why she was sad, though.

She's always liked being hit from behind by random men.

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A clearly inebriated, stark naked, woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide & began to state at her but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back & said 'what's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old cabbie says" let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you ...

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

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Masturbate before a big decision

I remember reading somewhere that you could masturbate before a big decision in order to think more clearly, and I figured "what the hell, why not try it".

So.. I decided to go to town.

I wasn't really in the mood, but along the way, "the engine started revving" so to speak.

I w...

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

Three village women are walking home from a trip to town...

(Full disclosure: I modified this joke from one in *The Pretty Good Joke Book*)

(Disclaimer: You can assign any nationality or ethnicity you like to these women. To avoid controversy, I'm calling them "Poltroonian")

So these three Poltroonian village women are walking back to their vi...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What’s 9 plus 9?”
“12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?”
“10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

You all need to stop saying Jussie Smollett is not an actual victim.

His acting school clearly failed him.

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . ...

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

What do you call it when you are clearly in the right, but have to admit you were wrong?

A man in a relationship.

An English man, a Welsh man and a Pakistani man sat waiting in a maternity ward.

The nurse came into the waiting room holding 3 babies.

“sorry gentlemen, there was a little mixup with who’s baby is who’s.”
Sighed the Nurse.

The english man got to his feet and picked up an Asian baby, heading to the exit.

“Hold on, that is clearly my child!”
The Pakista...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

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A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

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A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,

his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she replies

"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"

...

I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

Two older couples are hanging out together.

While the ladies are talking in the kitchen, Jim said, "Bill, we ate at a really good restaurant the other night. The food was good, the prices were reasonable, and the service was excellent."

Bill replied, "Oh yeah? What's the name of the place, I've been looking for a new restaurant."...

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

Respect my authoritahh!!!

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mis...

I don't understand why people think money grows on trees when clearly, it actually grows on shrubbery.

That's where hedge funds come from!

The Special

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's the special tonight?" he asks the bartender. "It's our blue cheese bacon burger," the bartender replies. "Do you want to try one?" "Nah. I hate blue cheese," the guy replies. "I mean it's literally just cheese full of bacteria." "Hey," the bartender ...

A guy gets from a plane and goes to a brothel house, he knocks on the door and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie".

The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.

"Sir to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"

"Is no problem, I have ze money"

Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes dow...

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

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I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry. He called me a prick and then punched me right in the face!

Apparently theres a nasty bug going around

A man cheats on his wife

A man cheats on his wife named Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

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A bear and a rabbit are arguing in the forest...

The genie is quite sick of hearing them so he decides to do something about it.

"Gentlemen!" He exclaims, popping up between them in a puff of sparkly blue smoke, "You are clearly not happy. So, to mitigate this, I shall grant each of you three wishes!"

"OH! OH! I shall go first!" The ...

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Two bums are walking down the street

Two bums are walking down the street when the 1st bum notices a foul smell. He turns to his buddy and asks “Whew, Raymond, did you shit your pants!?”

“Nah man, I didn’t.”

They walk a bit further when the 1st bum realizes something still really stinks. He asks again”Hey Raymond! You’re ...

Son of a…

A birch tree and a beech tree stood next to each other in the woods. They were tall old trees, and usually got on quite well.

One day they noticed a little sapling between them, far below. The birch noticed first and said “Hey beech! Check out that little son of a birch down there!”
...

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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

Robin Hood's Successor

It had been many years since Robin Hood began his quest of "stealing from the rich and giving to the poor". By now he was growing old and tired, and wanted to find someone who could carry on his legacy and lead a new band of Merry Men.

He searched through many villages for someone he could de...

Clearly cops will tread on a thin blue line

As long as its your jugular

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A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you...

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:


‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’


‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.


The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everythi...

I just can't fit an upside boat on my head, and I just don't know why...

...it was clearly capsized

Not sure why people are getting grief for using ivermectin to combat covid

The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.

A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing nothing but Saran Wrap

The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see your nuts”

I was arrested for illegal fishing even though there was clearly no "fishing prohibited" sign...

...apparently that's "very clear" if you're in a hotel lobby with an aquarium.

I went into a cafe today to get some hot cocoa and sit down. The lady at the table next to me was on her computer and clearly becoming irate. She starts getting all huffy, throwing expletives here and there under her breath. Seconds later, she goes full crazy...

"You can't tell me what to do you stupid piece of trash!?!"

I happened to glance over at her screen and see this, she was in command prompt...

C:\Users\Karen>taskmgr.exe

Anatomy lesson gone wrong

One day at an all-girl school, an elderly anatomy teacher was reviewing with his students for a test. He turns to one student and says "Karen, what part of the body can grow up to six times its size, and under what conditions does this occur?"

Karen, aghast, starts screaming "How dare you ask...

I'm sick of the people saying American people are the stupidest people in the world

Like clearly the country of Europe is the dumbest.

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.

A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day in...

A little boy runs up to his father with a question.

"Daddy, daddy!" says the boy, excitedly. "Did you get shot in the army?"

The father looks away and grimaces. The pain is etched clearly on this face. He gets a faraway look in his eye, and a tear rolls down his face, as he says, "No, son..."

"...but I did get shot in the leggy."

Rabbit is riding his new bicycle, when he meets bear

Rabbit is riding his new bicycle, when he meets bear. Bear clearly drunk:

"Hey rabbit, where did you get new bicycle?"

"I don't drink, I save money, I can afford a bicycle."

After some time rabbit has new motorbike and as he is taking it for a drive, he meets beer again, who is ...

The man hobbled as he walked up to the Talking Tree on the edge of the clearing...

The man hobbled as he walked up to the Talking Tree on the edge of the clearing at the end of the path, as he had done at the close of every day for the last 73 turnings of the Earth. Never farther, for it was as far North as he ever went, and he came this far only to pour out his sorrows to the fin...

what is invisible but clearly noticable

a failing relationship.

Translated (badly) Goulash is sitting and relaxing in the stomach...

Goulash is sitting and relaxing in the stomach, when suddenly a tequila falls in. He shrug it off and continue to relax, but after a while a rum falls in and join them.

He do some smalltalk but in general isn't much interested, so he continue to relax on his own. Then vodka falls in and joins...

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Two women are playing golf...

The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed towards a group of men.

It hit one of the men and he immediately doubled over in pain clutching his groin. The women rushed over and began apologizing vehemently.

The man said, still in pain, said it was ok and told th...

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Our philosophy professor lost his voice screaming at us today

Clearly he was putting Descartes before the hoarse

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

An Engineer Dies And Goes to Hell…

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, “So, how are thing...

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Just heard this one at work. Clearly the boss is gone lol

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"

He replies, "It's not for sale."

The woman says, "Please I want *that* one," again he says it's not for sale.

The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred do...

People who say they don't care if they get COVID are clearly disturbed...

Because they're down with the sickness.

Do you know the definition of ignorance?

Two guys digging a ditch were doing their ditch digging thing, when one of them looks over at the supervisor sitting under a tree in the shade. The one guy says to the other, "Man, it isn't fair for us to be working so hard in the hot sun, while Mr. Supervisor is sitting doing nothing on the shade....

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Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a clearly underaged girl

Watson: "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing with that girl. She looks like she's in middle school!"






Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"

The second...

Two dwarf brothers are walking home with one girl each...

Two dwarf brothers are walking home with one girl each, to do you know what.
The first dwarf goes to a room and gets in bed with one of the girls, but things don't go their way and after a while they give up. But the first dwarf can clearly hear the second dwarf yelling: "I'm coming, I'm coming!...

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A woman is getting her home remodeled.

On the final day, she meets the designer on her front porch. He says, "Bonjour madam, are you ready to see your new home?"

They enter the house, and into the living room. It's stunning, but she's distracted by the coffee table.

"Everything is perfect," she says, "except for the c...

The sheepshank is clearly superior to the fisherman's eye

KNOT

My project manager posted in linkedin 'When I die,I want my developers to carry my coffin so that they can put me down one last time"

I commented on that post

"For the first time ,you have mentioned the requirements clearly".

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

A woman living on a shtetl in Poland goes to see her rabbi

"Rabbi!" she says. "My son Avram has a very strange fear - he is afraid of kreplach!"

The rabbi says, "Kreplach? He's afraid of the meat dumplings we make for Rosh Hashanah?"

She nods. "Yes. I've tried to tell him there's nothing to be afraid of, but whenever he sees kreplach he runs o...

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Man walks into Dr.’s office

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He is completely nude and wrapped in cellophane. He says “Doctor, doctor, Please help me! There’s something wrong with me….”

The doctor stops, looks him up and down, and responds “ah yes, I can clearly see your nuts”.

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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Clearly more than 2, because my basement is still dark AF

On my online dating profile it clearly says that I’m 6 foot - 4 inches

So why when I turn up are woman always disappointed that I’m 5’8”

An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.

He runs to the doctor and asks:

"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"

The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:

"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."

At the end of a busy night in a bar a clearly drunk man approaches the bartender. "Hey man," he says, "I'll bet you $50 I can stand at one end of the bar and pee clear to the other end." He has to clean the bar anyway, so this sounds like an easy 50 to the bartender. He agrees.

"Great! I'll be right back." The man then approaches a group of wasted guys in expensive suits and after a little bit of chatting and back slapping, he returns. He climbs onto the bar, whips it out and proceeds to pee...no more than a foot or so distance. The bartender laughs to himself, thinking h...

Soviet Factory

One compatriot who works in a factory suddenly decides to get a folding ladder, climbs to the top, and hangs upside down holding himself with his legs.

The factory officer notices, comes over to him, and says "what are you doing?"
He responds "I'm a light bulb".
The factory officer repo...

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

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A stockbroker walks past a kid selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?”

The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says “Lemonade $50”.


“Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents.”

The little gi...

Attorney: My client is clearly trapped in a penny...

Judge: What?

Attorney: He is in a cent.

Damn girl are you a piñata?

Because imma need a blindfold before I hit that

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, brui...

The opposite of "pro" is "con"; that fact is clearly seen.

If "progress" means "move forward", then what does "Congress" mean?

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