UPJOKE
disneylandcomcastpixarwalt disneynbcespnmerchandisinghbodisney channelhollywoodmickey mousecbsub iwerkspat powersmtv

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What's the difference between Disney+ and Pornhub?

Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.

I just unsubscribed from Disney+

I feel marveless

Why did the cocaine addict go to Disney World?

Because he heard the lines were long

What's Dio's favourite Disney movie?

Aladdin. Because I can show you ZA WARUDO!

Why did Pinocchio and Cinderella get fired from Disney?

Cinderella was caught sitting on Pinocchio’s face yelling “lie to me!”

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**News Flash** Snow White has been kicked out of Disney Land!!

She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie you bastard, lie!".

20 minutes into Disney+ and chill...

and I've already got a friend in me.

Disney forgot Gaston's greatest accomplishment

He was a winner of the no belle prize.

I was wondering why Disney/Pixar's new movie Turning Red takes place in 2002, then I realized...

It's a period piece.

Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess.

I had a friend who was really into Cindarella and exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that's why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at Disney World

Also, I don't want to be cremated

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What do fairy tales, Disney movies and porn have in common?

Unrealistic stepmother depictions

I went to see Disney on ice

But then the DEA dragged me out of the cinema

Disney / Star Wars crossovers suck.

I just watched the most boring crossover ever.

Nothing even happens in Han Solo's "Frozen in Carbonite"

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How is Viagra like Disney World?

In both cases, you have to wait an hour for a three minute ride.

What does women breast and Disney land have in common?

They are made for kids but adults enjoy them!

Hamlet gets asked to watch a Disney remake.

"2d or not 2d?"

What did the Disney Pimp say to his girls?

Hi hoe, hi hoe, it’s off to work you go

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb?

They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them.

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Tip: when making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background.

That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

Who’s Bill Cosby’s favorite Disney Character?

Sleeping Beauty

What do you get when you squash together a game and a disney movie?

Aladdin's Creed.

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney's Up for Halloween.

I'll dress up as an old guy and she'll dress up as a tombstone.

I was hooking up with a girl when I asked to do Disney themed role-play

She agreed, so I gave her a blue fairy costume and I got into my most comfortable lederhosen

After a bit of foreplay, I undressed and asked her to grant my wish of being a real man

Looking down at me she said “Your wish may be granted because I can see quite plainly that you’ve been te...

Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short

Looks like they ran out of characters.

Did you hear Disney is making Austin Powers into a Jedi?

It's called Obi-have

Which Disney Princess is always on dating apps?

Tinderella.

What do you call it when you kill Disney characters?

A Mickey Mousacre

How can people claim Walt Disney was anti-Semitic...

...when one of the most famous Disney songs is "When Jewish Upon a Star?"

What is the dairy farmer’s favorite Disney movie?

Moo-ana

A shady robed man walks into Disney studios.

As he takes off his hood, he reveals the skull of a face he has underneath. The artists and director pause and murmur with each other.



"Are you lost?", they finally ask him.

"No. I'm fairly certain this is the right place. I bring back the dead with just a touch, a skill requir...

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I'm just back from Walt Disney world so....

Micky Mouse wants a divorce.

Judge: Look here Mr. Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mick...

Memo from Disney Corp. to all staff: Workers will no longer refer to Disneyland as Mauschwitz.

OK, we won't. It's Duckhau.

Boy talking to Grandpa.

Boy: Grandpa can you make a noise like a frog?

Grandpa: No I can't, why do you ask?

Boy: Well Grandma said I can go to Disney Land when you croak..

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

How do you clean Disney World?

With an Orlando Broom.

Of all the Disney Princesses, Cinderella is the most experienced and competent at deep-throat

She is most well-known for struggling -- and ultimately **succeeding** -- in her desperate quest to reach the ball!

Disney have announced they’re rebooting Who Framed Roger Rabbit with Ric Flair played the role of Eddie Valiant. It’s going to be called

Wooooooooo Framed Roger Rabbit

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

Walt Disney was naughty as a child.

He was always taking the mickey.

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Disney jokes

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of we...

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Disney makes female hips very big, anime makes female boobs very big

And america makes female waists very big

Who is the cleverest Disney character?

Gaston; he's the winner of the No-Belle Prize

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

Did you hear about the new Disney FastPass?

Skip the lines, go straight to the ICU

Disney is updating a children's classic with a pandemic theme...

... it's called "The Never Ending Story"

Heard a rumor that Iron Man is going to be the newest Disney Princess...

...they're always on the lookout for a strong Fe male character.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection...

Except Up.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

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For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

Disney finally released Yoda's last name. His full name is:

Yoda Lay-Heehoo

What is the difference between Disney and brazzer?

Disney teaches you how to hate your step mom while Brazzer teaches you how you can show your love.

Netflix and Disney should just join forces to create the most controversial movie ever: a young girl becomes infatuated with makeup and skimpy outfits, but first she must save China from the threat of the Uighur.

Call it *Mulan Rouge*

Why didn't the Disney Princess go to the doctor when she got sick?

Because the cold never bothered her anyway.

I feel that Disney is taking the "Rainforest Cafe" theme a bit to seriously

I was just sitting there eating when they bulldozed half of the place down.

What does Disney have in common with a guy in an outhouse in Chicago?

They’re both making frozen number two.

Why did Walt Disney fire Snow White?

'Cause she kept sitting on Pinocchios' face singing 'tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies'.

*Joke's from my Dad and his friend*

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Why was the head of MGM pissed at Walt Disney when the head of MGM was arrested?

You'd think he'd know to warn a brother.

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

Who do you guys think the hottest disney princess is?

for me, it has to be CINDERella

All of the cows on the farm networked all of their computers so they could stream the latest Disney film

They set up a moo LAN.

I always wanted a life like a Disney princess

I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day

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Back in 2009, I got my dick stuck in a DVD player playing a Disney Pixar movie.

Turns out I really fucked up.

What does Kylie Jenner and a Disney princess have in common?

They're both made by the hands of others.

Apparently rick Astley is really stingy with his Disney DVD collection.

Yeah he’ll share toy story, but he’s never gonna give you Up.

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What does Disney and the porn industry have in common?

They both hire adults that look like teenagers.

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Donald Duck is at a Disney convention and gets lucky with a groupie.

When they get back to his hotel room, she says, "I think we should practise safe sex - do you have any, you know...?" and he says "No problem," and picks up the phone to call reception.

"Don here," he says. "Send a bellhop up here with a condom, would you?"

"No problem, Mr Duck," says ...

I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.

It's Tangled and Frozen.

Walt Disney notices a sharp pain in his knee.

He starts rubbing it, icing it, elevating it on a pillow. But over the following days it only grows worse. He visits his doctor and reports this pain.

“Which knee is hurting you, Walt?”

The famous film producer points to his left knee.

“Disney.”

I had an orgy with the Disney princesses

and one of them gave me crabs

Disney world is reopening today

It’s about to be an even smaller world

A piece of retconned canon from Star Wars has a danger of causing glaring plotholes in upcoming Disney films and series.

It's what is known as "a loose canon."

Disney is looking to take the American Secret Service to court

The secret service higher ups made a decision to change how agents assigned to the president can give the president an order while under fire.

They will no longer say “Get down Mr President!”

Instead it’ll be “Donald, Duck!”

Disney just announced a new show for D+ about a time-traveling soccer mom

It’s called The Vandalorian

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I said to my wife, "Our relationship is a lot like a Disney movie."

"Aww... That's cute," she giggled, "I'm your princess and you are my charming prince?"


"Not exactly" I said. "I've fucked seven dwarfs."

A girl I am dating said, "I expect to be treated like a Disney Princess."

So I told her to pretend she is the Little Mermaid and stop talking.

With some many streaming services it's difficult to pick between Disney+ and Hulu Plus

Personally, I prefer LGBTQ+

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Why buy Netflix, Hulu, or Disney plus when you can go on pornhub

its, hands down, the best "up and coming" streaming service

My girlfriend told me to stop watching Disney movies and be a man.

Does anyone know how to be swift as the coursing river?

Whos the funniest disney princess?

raPUNzel

*sits there laughing to self*

...so lonely..

Mickley Mouse: "My knee hurts!"

Doctor: "Which knee?"

Mickey: "Disney."

Disney is attempting to take over and brainwash our country by bringing back '80s Mickey Mouse merchandise

NOT ON MY WATCH!!

A Disney Language Joke I made up

The Disney Princesses had cats. Tiana's was named One, Two, Three, Snow White's was Eins, Zwei, Drei, and Belle's was named Une, Deux, Trois. They decided to put the cats on rafts and race them.

Tiana and Snow White's cats made it to the end, but Belle's died because

Une, Deux, Trois,...

Chernobyl is just like Disney land

The only difference? The 7 foot mouse is actually real.

Looks like Disney isn't sticking to their guns

But they will be sticking with their Gunn

A blond is driving to DisneyLand...

She sees a sign saying "DisneyLand left" so she turns around and drives home.

What's the difference between Disney and Crosby

Bing sings but Walt Disney

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I used to work for Disney, but their offices were always so hot during the summer.

I guess they don't give a shit about fans.

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A lot of people believe Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen in the basement of CalArts.

# I personally love this conspiracy theory because it's a wonderful example of suspended animation.

Credit to the greatest animation professor of all time, Mr. Theo Artz of Drexel University.

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him

but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

I was at Disney World buying a drink when I accidentally backed up into a little person.

“I’m so sorry sir! I wasn’t paying attention and I should have been. Are you okay?” I say.

“I’m okay, but I’m not happy.” he says to me.

Confused, I reply, “Well that’s good, but which one are you?”

What’s the name of the Disney princess that got burned?

Cinder-ella

Ok I have a Scottish joke: Sam Wanamaker, Immanuel Kant. Sammy Cahn…

… but Walt Disney.

Going into headhunter territory…

…is a terrible place to be headed.

Credit:

Disney The Jungle Cruise

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A guy has a weird disney fetish...

his friends look horrified and say "You fucked Up."

What's the best Disney song to listen to while having a threesome?

You've Got a Friend in Me

How do you hydrate a 2 year old at Disney World?

Gatorade

I asked Rick Astley if I could borrow some Disney DVDs...

He said, "You can take Cars and Lion King but I'm never gonna give you UP!"

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Disney Movies ?

Disney Movies still touch kids

Kanye West compares himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney, and Steve Jobs.

Apparently none of them could sing, either.

Disney shouldn't have to post warning signs

Don't their gators make a ticking sound as they approach?

I’m renaming my kids Sony and Disney

Because they can’t agree on anything

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

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My butt fell asleep while I was browsing Disney+ on the toilet.

I ended up watching sleeping booty.

Last time I was at Disney with my dad...

He complimented Ariel on her seashells.

She didn't have seashells. They were more of a small B shell.

What’s a racist’s favourite Disney song?

“Put That Thing Back Where It Came From, Or So Help Me”

I got Disney + and popcorn

All the bear necessities

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Did you hear Snow White got thrown out of Disney Land?

They caught her sitting on Pinocchio's Face yelling "Lie you little fucker

What Disney character can count the highest?

Buzz Lightyear, to infinity and beyond.

Disney just launched a Mt. Everest attraction.

You wait in line, then die.

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