UPJOKE
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

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The Dean of Women at an exclusive all girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said. “Ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

I’ve decided to launch a brand new dating app exclusively for Palaeontologists……..

I’m going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’

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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch ...

Heart surgeons can exclusively work from home

Since home is where the heart is

TIL The Kremlin IT department exclusively uses Linux.

Turns out everyone in the Kremlin has problems with Windows.

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The makers of Viagra have started an exclusive internet service.

They make it hard to get in, but they claim you will experience very little downtime.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

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Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

Did you hear about the new flight company I'm starting exclusively for bald people?

Receding Airlines

Cemeteries are like very expensive exclusive clubs

They are overcrowded and people are dying to get in

They should make a breakfast cereal exclusively for lumberjacks

They can call it morning wood

What do you call someone who exclusively paints pictures of WWF's Mankind?

A Foley artist.

My work offered to fund my retirement account in soup exclusively...

...I'm the first person to have a Broth IRA.

An Exclusive Golf Course

This golf nut had waited his whole life to play on a very exclusive golf course, and he finally got his chance. He was paired with another guy he didn't know who had also lucked into a round there.

At one point, a funeral procession came down the street. The first man stopped, while he was p...

I'm building a dating app exclusively for people working in bars

...look out for BarTinder

A Man and his Wife Order Steaks at an Exclusive Restaurant.

“How would you like your meat sir?” Asks the waiter.

“Well done !” Replies the man

“Thanks, I’m really good at my job,” replies the waiter, “while you’re thinking about how you like your meat, I’ll ask your wife.”

The waiter then turns to the man’s wife.

“Ma’am, what kind...

A clever Russian is planning on a streaming service exclusively for banned films.

He's going to call it Nyetflix.

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an exclusive apartment..

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an exclusive apartment . While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a tiny robe. The boy smiled nervously at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipp...

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A girl from an exclusive school was asked:

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a potato?

A: Yuck!!! I don't eat potato!

As an author I was excited about moving into a neighborhood with exclusively author residents...

But I've come to regret it, now I'm constantly in a writers block.

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If you've had sex with less than 536 people, then having sex with you is a more exclusive club than going into space.

I though I'd post something my ex-girlfriend could feel good about.

I'm going to start a family business that specializes in handicap exclusive parking lots

I'll call it Park n' Sons

So MK11 is getting a new Australian character exclusive to the Nintendo Switch.

Roo Kang.

Because it's the ol'...

Someone I know went to a very expensive, exclusive private school.

These kids are so rich, they hire hitmen to do their school shootings.

A man knocks on the door of a supposed to be 'exclusive' brothel

A man knocks on the door of a supposed to be 'exclusive' brothel.

Through a small window in the door,the madam says,"What can I do for you,sir?"

"I'd like to get screwed," he answered.

"This is an exclusive club,"she explains."To join,you must slip a thousand dollars under the...

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Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

I'm making an app like Tinder, but exclusively for paleontologists

I'm calling it "Carbon Dating"

I don't know about the rest of you, but to me the word "exclusive"...

...means only one thing.

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

The German National Basketball team just signed an exclusive sponsorship deal with Nike

From now on the only sneakers they'll be wearing are Herr Jordan's

Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.

Yet another way they're jalapeño business.

My friend announced that he had invented a sport exclusively for animals with large, colourful beaks

I responded, “toucan play that game!”

I exclusively use internet explorer

to download Google chrome.

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What do you call someone exclusively attracted to college professors?

A-sexual

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort.

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.

Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pet...

Batman dresses exclusively in dark colors because Batman doesn't want to get shot.

Robin dresses exclusively in bright colors because Batman doesn't want to get shot.

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A man wishes to join an exclusive local church's congregation...

...and during his interview with the pastor, he's asked if he's ever engaged in any unusual sexual activity. He looks down, embarrassed, and sighs deeply.

"Well, yes, actually. Just last week, my girlfriend had dropped a head of lettuce. When she bent over, and I saw her shapely rear silhouet...

Planters will be distributing exclusively to airlines.

That's just plane nuts.

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Why do Apples new headphones look like tampons?

Because they're made exclusively for cunts.

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Three women are at an exclusive health club in Miami. They are debating how much to tip the towel boy.

Edith says, “I’ll give him five bucks.” Esther says, “I’ll give him ten.” “What about you, Rose, what are you going to tip him?” asked Edith. “I’m going to give him sex,” she said.
“Huh? Are you crazy?” asked Esther.
“No. In fact, I was wondering about this yesterday. So I called my husband,...

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EXCLUSIVE OFFER: 1,000 tampons for only $5

No strings attached.

Even though I don't smoke cigarettes, I exclusively date women who do...

I figure if they're willing to suck on something that nasty, they'll suck just about anything.

What do you call musical groups that are exclusively made of masseuses?

Rubber bands

Beyonce held an exclusive, no pants themed, female-only party at her mansion last night!

It was the who's who of hoo-hoos.

A Woman is in an exclusive pet store looking to buy a sweater for her dog.

After witnessing much hemming and hawing and the scrutinizing of the size of each item, the salesperson finally pipes in. “Why don’t you bring the dog in for a fitting?” He says.
“I can’t do that,” the customer says. “The sweater is a surprise.”

Did you hear about the new winter resort that caters exclusively to men with erectile disfunction?

It's called Lake Flaccid.

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

Good British Humour....

During World War II, many exclusive British Clubs opened their doors to American Servicemen. 

One evening at a 300-year-old Club, an American  NCO stopped a steward  in a hallway and asked, “Hey Mac, where’s the damn Loo?” 

The Steward, who looked like Jeeves replied, “Glad to be of se...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess.

I had a friend who was really into Cindarella and exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that's why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.

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Sailing aboard the new cruise liner SS Penis is by invitation only.

It's an exclusive member ship.

Axl Rose, Bon Jovi, and Stevie Wonder are invited to an exclusive party for musicians. The bartenders have been said to be an “exciting surprise”.

So Axl, Bon and Stevie visit out of curiosity. They sit at the bar and grab the bartender’s attentions. They swing by, and reveal themselves as the members of Survivor: Dave Bickler, Jim Peterik, and Frankie Sullivan. Axl, Bon, and Stevie groan as they expected someone with more credentials.

...

Steve Irwin busts through the door and puts me into a headlock.

"This little bugga simulates reproduction up to 5 times a day, almost exclusively without a mate!"

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull?

They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)

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A certain talk.

One day a vicar bumped into the headmistress of an exclusive girls' school.
"O Vicar, our girls are a certain age and we would like them to to have a Christian perspective on sex. Will you talk to them next Tuesday afternoon?"

The vicar agreed and decided he had better put the talk on his ...

New perfume

A public relations professional walks into a bar and orders a glass of champagne. "What's new in your world?" the bartender asks. "We're holding a gala event to launch the newest perfume by Chanel. It's made exclusively from the purest, melted and distilled midwestern snowfall," she tells the barten...

Shocked to discover my masseur sold the rights to footage of our sessions.

I’m told it will be a neck-fix exclusive.

Quick thinking

A beautiful young woman wearing a revealing black dress and a sharp-dressed middle-aged man were sitting across from one another in an exclusive, high-end New York City restaurant; long white tablecloths and perfectly arranged place settings with one small white candle burning brightly in the center...

Expensive Perfume

So, big Moira, from Glasgow, is on a weekend trip to London.

She is in an elevator in a Harrods, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

Big Moira remarks, "My, what nice aromas!"

One of the women turns, looks Moira up and down...

Today I was fired from my job…

I was on a business trip with the young attractive CFO of my company. We checked in at the hotel around the same time and took the elevator up together. After noticing that she was heading to the highest floor, reserved exclusively for their most frequent guests who have stayed with them for over a ...

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Some big shots get together for a gentleman's night during Easter holidays.

Three CEO's of some big companies get together to smoke cigars and drink expensive whiskey.

They gathered at a chalet and brought a waiter with them to serve the drinks.

"Finally some alone time" says the first CEO. Sent my wife to an all inclusive spa in Austin. It cost me $10k but it...

Why was the pc gamer denied entry into the nightclub?

It was exclusive.

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular chil...

I’m gonna start a business

I’m gonna start a business where I sell exclusively paper towels. Not by the roll, but by the square. You have to pay-per-towel

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The young son asks the father what politics is

The young son asks the father what politics is. The father says, "Let's take our family, for example. I bring the money home, so we call me capitalism. Your mother manages the money, so we call her the government. We both look after your welfare almost exclusively, so you are the people. Our maid is...

A man was being interviewed at a job interview...

... and the interviewer was thoroughly impressed.

The man was eloquent in speaking and seemed highly fit for the job.

However, one question lingered in the interviewer’s mind...

“So you seem very skilled and fit for the job. However, I have one question, why were you unemployed...

Android lets you use "Lumos" for the flashlight, "Silencio" for the notifications...

but not "Incendio". That is a Samsung exclusive.

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The reel, the ink, and the booze

There was a company that sold a great variety of fishing equipment and supplies. One of their new products was a rod to be used out at sea, with a special reel mechanism to catch larger fish. Now, there was a new employee who was in charge of printing buyers' names onto the reel by hand and with a q...

You ever look at your ex's ex's?

And they all look kinda weird, like totally not he cream of the crop. Like, one works at a 7-11 and talks almost exclusively about Mexicans.

And you think hey maybe I'm an upgrade for her glad she's moving up in the world. She's finally found her taste in men.

But then she leaves you....

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

An anthropologist visits a tribe that eats only meat...

An anthropologist visits an exclusively carnivorous tribe in previously uncharted deep-jungle territory and word gets around about this strange woman who eats plants.

M'buk says to T'gru, "Have you heard about this woman who eats *plants?*"

T'gru gets this puzzled look and says "no, I'...

Politicians are like diapers...

They're almost exclusively white

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What do sex and The Big Issue have in common? (Original Joke)

I buy them exclusively from homeless people

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2 programmers hire a prostitute

They are about to get busy with her, but she says,
"I'm not doing it with both of you at once!"
"Why not?" one of the programmers asks.
She replies, "because i'm an exclusive or."

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Birth control alternatives

A husband and wife walk into a doctors office looking for alternative options for birth control as the pill is quite hormoney and the husband is allergic to latex.

They ask the doctor "we've been thinking about exclusively practising anal sex, surely there's no pregnancy risk there!"

D...

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

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A Raunchy One!

A horny American is walking along Jalan Bukit Bintang, in Kuala Lumpur one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one
of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-trade.

"How much do you charge?", asks he....

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A guy inherits a fortune...

A guy inherits a fortune and goes on a massive spending spree: Ferraris, yachts, private jets, the works.

He upgrades his wardrobe and goes to the most exclusive shops for bespoke outfits. When it comes time to get shoes, he wants something a little different.

The salesman shows him a ...

looking for investors for my new specialty dating site

So I'm planning on taking advantage of the huge influx of specialty dating sites like farmers only or Christian mingle, etc... I'm starting a site exclusively for Indians. It's gonna be called, "Connect the dots."
(So who's in with me???)

Jonathon Ross at it again..

BBC News: Jonathan Ross has been caught stealing from the BBC Kitchen, here is an exclusive interview as he was being escorted out of the premises:

"Jonathon, why did you do it? you knew you could potentially lose your job."
"Well," He replied, "It was just the whisk I had to take"

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