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Created Jokes

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...

For a guy to catch a cold....

God created the first Swiss and asked him:

"What do you want?"
"Mountains," replied the Swiss.

God created mountains for the Swiss and asked him, "What else do you want?"
"Cows," said the Swiss.

God created cows for the Swiss. The Swiss milked the cows, tasted the milk and asked, "Will you taste, dear God?" The Swiss fill...

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

As God created this human child, God asked him...

"How about an extra chromosome?"

The child replied, "I'd be down for that."

Three engineers were discussing who created the human body.

The mechanical engineer said “Clearly it was a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints, levers and moving parts.”

“No” said the electrical engineer, “Look at the wired central nervous system and brain to process everything.”

The civil engineer said “You are both wrong. It was a civ...

When god created man

Gods assistant: Is it done?

God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.

Gods assistant: Why?

God: For furniture.

Gods assistant: Furniture?

God: Believe me it'll be funny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?

So no one would tell him how to make Adam.

It's a good thing Gatorade was created by the University of Florida

If it had been Florida State, they'd call it Seminole Fluid

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

To be fair, Donald Trump HAS created a lot of jobs.

It’s going to take a lot of people to clean up this mess.

why did god create man before he created woman?

because he didn't want any advice on how to do it

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

The Big Bang may have created wormholes

But surely, we all came from warm holes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve created a new cocktail called “Conception”

To make it, I just add cum in cider.

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, lik...

In the beginning, God created Earth.

Everything else was made in China.

I created a new word

“Plagiarism”

I've created a manly fragrance that smells like chicken nuggets.

I call it Pollo For Men.

I created a website for orphans

It has no homepage

“I've created a new computer that is almost human."

"You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?"

"No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer."

When God created Adam and Eve...

He said to them: I have two gifts to give you one is to do pee standing up and...

Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E... M E...I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier!

Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her...

In the beginning, God created the dog.

He told it, "For 20 years, you are to sit near the door and bark at whoever walks by."

The dog responded, "20 years? That's a long time to do that. How about I do that for 10 years and give you back the remainder?"

God agreed. He then created the monkey and told it, "For 20 years, you ...

If "Gator Aid" had been created in Talahassee instead of Gainesville

Would we all be drinking Seminole Fluid?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God created Adam and after a time God took a rib from Adam to create Eve

God says to Adam “I have taken your rib and from that I have created Eve, a woman. Adam, you are to love Eve.”
Adam asks God, “alright God, well what am I supposed to love Eve, a woman?”
God tells Adam “you can go and hold Eve’s hand, Adam. Here’s how.”
God explain how they should hold ha...

An inventor has created a very fancy diaper changing table

It will be called the "Shart-Tooterie Board"

(stolen from a friend of mine)

A couple scientists created an AI

That seemed to be able to answer all questions. It cured cancer and even told them how to travel faster than light.one day one of the scientists asked it if there was a god. The ai asked for all of humanities information in order to answer. It was given all books ever written, all historical data an...

Not all construction work is created equal.

For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

If a drug lord created a chocolate brand, what would it be called

EscoBARS

I created a graph explaining all my past relationships

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I created a prostitute out of paper...

This was the first time I made whorigami.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died.

Restaurant In Peace.

A new soda has been created that's made from the dead.

It's called Decoffinated

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When God created woman..

When God created woman,

He gave her not two breasts but three.

When the middle one got in the way

God performed surgery.

Woman stood before God,

With middle breast in hand.

Said "What do we do with the useless boob?"

And God created man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starbucks created a new specialty drink to honor all the candidates running for Congress.

It’s called the Fullacrappacino

An artist created an exact portrait of me just by projecting saliva onto the canvas

It was my spitting image

How Woman was created.

So, Adam was in the Garden of Eden having a chat with the Lord. He was complaining about those stray "urges" he was experiencing and how there was no one to help him deal with them.

"OK", replied the Lord. "I'll take care of this. I will create Woman for you. She will cook, clean and keep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

When God created women...

He told them: "Women from all the corners of the world should have equal rights to men."

Ironically he made the Earth round.

Einstein created a theory about space

and it was about time too

I’ve created the thickest moisturiser in the world….

To be honest, it still hasn’t sunk in yet.

You can tell that the toothbrush was created by the English

Otherwise it would be called a teethbrush

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

My son created a kids safe Godzilla Knock Knock Joke

Son: Knock Knock

Victim: Who's there?

Son: Godzilla

Victim: Godzilla who?

Son: Raaawr! Chomp!

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

I have created the only non-racist Chinese joke.

So I went to Chinatown today. There were too many bright lights. I asked them to dim sum.

Which blood type was created by mistake?

Type O.

Albert Einstein created many concepts for modern physics.

His brother, Frank, however, created a monster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After God created the world and Adam & Eve

[NSFW]

He still had 2 gifts left. God said: "The first is to stand up and pee..."
"uh, pick me, pick me, I want that" Adam interrupted.
"You don't want to hear what the other one is?" God replied, but Adam was already on his way to test out this new gift.
"Very well, eve!" God said...

Do you know the guy who created the knock knock joke?

They say he won the no-bell price.

old soviet joke (I believe it was created after Czechoslovakia uprising)

So John, Pierre and Ivan are having few drinks. Guys start talking cars. Pierre brags a bit - "Well, in Paris I drive my Citroen, but to countryside I take Peugeot. Of course, for longer trips to Europe my wife insists on Renault - its so much more spacious". "Well, that's nothing, in London I drive...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,

"What am I going to do with this useless tit?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sony created two new stereos.

One has good bass for black people to listen to rap music. The other has good treble for white people to listen to country.

Those are two stereo types.

Scientists have accidentally created immortal frogs

While running experiments, they decided to cut some of the frogs vocal cords.
Ever since then, the frogs just wont croak

When god created the world, the prototype human was almost finished.

Then he said to the responsible construction angel: "Put little toes on them" "Why that?" "For the furniture, you'll see that it's going to be fun."

I created a new gig-economy app for laundry called Laundr.

Unfortunately, the only thing anyone seems to use it for is washer-dryer hookups.

My brother hates candles and he thinks they were created as part of a government conspiracy

He's an anti-waxer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What tests did they do when they created Tickle Me Elmo?

Testicles

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create?

Doberman.

I had a cousin who created a cold air balloon.

But it never took off

Two Marijuana dispensaries created a merger deal, becoming one.

To be blunt, the stakes were high, but they were hopeful as it was a joint venture.

They created an animal shelter near the mine field...

I never forget the weather of the day they all escaped, it was raining cats and dogs.

What is created when you mix Human DNA and Whale DNA

Your mom

I recently created a database for every living person assigned female at birth.

I call it the X-Files.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad's favorite joke that he created

Warning: this joke is not good in any way

Three men go on a walkabout vacation in the outback of Australia. They have never been to the continent, and unknowingly tresspassed on aboriginal grounds.

Towards dusk, they are ambushed and kidnapped by aborigines. They are taken back to thie...

God created the light...

Then he called it a day.

On the first day God created the heavens, the earth and the Conservative

Conservative looked around and said "eh, I liked it better yesterday!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese scientist have created a camera.

It has such an immense shutter speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .

I created a wormhole, but it doesn’t work.

Now it’s just something to a-void.

When Apple created the $700 wheels...

Did they expect profits to start rolling in?

A basketball team is created in Area 51 and for the inaugural match they decide to play against the Vatican.

How do they call the event? Aliens vs Predators

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

The Reason God created marriage..

So death wasn't so disappointing.

Who created Scientology in Middle-Earth?

Elrond Hubbard

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