What does a unicorn and my girlfriend have in common?

They're both fictional

My friends told me I could never milk a unicorn

After searching for 30 years, I finally found one, and milked it.

It was Legend Dairy

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn.

Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN!"
Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth", and went to sleep.
Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.

"What the heck are you doing?" he asked
"I'm count...

What’s the similarity between a unicorn and a good politician?

Neither exist

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she giggled, "I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies!"

Okay, LSD it is!

Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark!

Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”

What do a Unicorn and an ocean filled with orange soda have in common?

They are both a Fanta Sea

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

I love my pet unicorn

He comes to support me whenever I regret taking my LSD.

Why call a unicorn without a horn?

It's pointless.

Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed

The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says “big storm’s a brewin”. The wife Unicorn then replies, “ well then I’m glad we didn’t go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!”

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is main difference between the mating habits of the horse and the unicorn?

The unicorn is much hornier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do horses love unicorns so much?

Because they’re always horny!

Your chances of meeting a unicorn are extremely low.

But they are still higher than the chance of you getting a girlfriend/boyfriend

What's the difference between a unicorn and a head of cabbage?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

What do you call a unicorn with a soar throat?

Horse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You make me feel like a unicorn...

...beautiful, magical, and horny.

I think this is an original, but chances are good it’s not, so do with it what you will.

Where do you get unicorn milk?

From the Legendairy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you spot a unicorn turd?

One piece of corn

What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?

An immunicorn

Why did the unicorn cross the road?

Because he wanted to get hit by a car.

As told by my 4 year old.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are unicorns better pets than triceratops?

They're less horny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the unicorn say at the horse orgy?

"I feel really horny."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone thinks that unicorns never existed but it turns out they actually just went extinct

Ironically they weren't horny enough

Girl, are you an unicorn?

Because I wish you were real...



...Damn I am lonely

what's the difference between a unicorn and a girlfriend?

i am 8 times more likely to find a unicorn

A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says

...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off.

Where do unicorns like to drink?

The horn pub!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Overheard the neighbors kid

You're on a unicorn. Behind you there is a big bear, on one side a roaring lion, on the other side a charging elephant, and in front of you a dragon. How do you get out of this alive?

Get your drunk ass off the Merrygoround!!!!

A little girl was making a wish with Santa, she said I would like a unicorn for christmas, Santa replies but unicorns are just imaginary make another wish, she says ok I would like Manchester United to win a game.

Santa replied, what colour unicorn would you like?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unicorn hunting...

Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk.

Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”

Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”

Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”

Kurt replied, “I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's the second day on Noah's Ark and all the animals are meeting up with their counterparts.

The unicorns find each other, and the first unicorn introduces himself, saying "Hi, my name's Frank." The second unicorn says "Hi Frank, I'm Jerry!" The unicorns in unison say "Oh shit..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Noah's diary: Day 39

Unicorn pie is fucking delicious!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 people went to heaven

(My mom told me this one when I was little, pretty sure it might be from somewhere else but hopefully at least not on this sub.)

3 people went to heaven, in front of them was a god.
God says "each of you must run down this cloudy road and scream what you want to be reincarnated as for your...

My dad is like a unicorn

He's never here. :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A unicorn without testicles

is called a eunuchorn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Unicorns become extinct?

Because unicorns are gay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guess bisexuals really are like unicorns...

They're horny creatures, that you only meet in a dream.

A while ago, I thought I was going insane...

...until the the unicorn and the gummy bear told me I was just fine.

I feel much better now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My niece’s joke...

First she told us the old, “why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he was feeling crumby”

Being encouraged by the pity laugh from everyone, she made up this little gem:

Why did the unicorn go to the hospital? Because he was feeling horny!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Angry Notes" Courtesy of Saurabh on Fropki.com

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get it up. Enjoy dreaming about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

D...

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is wandering around deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...

The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.

"What can I get you?" he asks.

"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.

"We're all out of beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves!"

"What'...

(not mine) I hate the Harry Potter franchise, it's too unrealistic.

I mean I'm not saying magic is impossible, everyone on my estate fights with sticks, there may even be the odd unicorn about, but who, has ever seen a ginger kid with two mates ?

Yee haw

A cowboy comes riding into town one day, only hes riding on the horses head. One of the townsfolk ask him as he riding by, "how do you stay on that horse so good"? To which the cowboy replies "its not a horse, its a unicorn"!

Got a list for y'all

1. (OC) Where do ghosts go to get their teeth worked on?

>!The Orthohauntist!!<



2. Two muffins are in the oven, one says to the other: Ya think it's getting hot in here?

the other one says: >!AHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!<



3. One guy says to his fri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What becomes of a horse when it gets real horny?

A fuckin unicorn.

My Hopes and Dreams are like unicorns.

I stopped believing in unicorns when I was a kid.

The other day my friend told me I was delusional...

...I nearly fell off of my unicorn.

A PIECE OF ADVICE

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

My girlfriend is like a unicorn

She doesnt exist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the Sixth Day, God created Man

A little later, Adam and Steve approached God in the garden.

"Hey God," said Adam.

"Adam, Steve, you've been doing a good job naming the animals. I am particularly fond of 'hippopotamus.'"

"The unicornth are my favorite!" Steve added.

"Actually, we're here about a possib...

What do leprechauns eat on St. Patricks day?

Unicorned Beef

A father finds a magic lamp...

and when he rubs it, a genie pops out and offers to grant him anything he wants.

The man asks for a unicorn for his daughter.

The genie says unicorns aren't even real, try to be more realistic.

So the man decides to ask the genie to let the Browns win a single game.

The g...

My daughter asked me if she could have the Amazon Prime App for our Apple TV for Christmas.

I said “Sorry Sweetheart. I’ll get you a Unicorn instead.”

Dear Noah

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said you were leaving at 4:00.

Sincerely,
The Unicorns

A hunter went out on a hunting trip. He took his sons cigarettes by mistake.

He had an excellent day. He shot 2 bucks, a boar, a black bear, and a unicorn.

What has one horn and isn't magic?

A dead unicorn.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.