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Unicorn Jokes

My friends told me I could never milk a unicorn

After searching for 30 years, I finally found one, and milked it.

It was Legend Dairy

My daughter just made this one up… What do you call a unicorn with two horns?

A goat.

What does a unicorn and my girlfriend have in common?

They're both fictional

What’s the similarity between a unicorn and a good politician?

Neither exist

What do you call a unicorn with no eyes?

Unocornea

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

What's the difference between a unicorn and a head of cabbage?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

What do you call a unicorn's dad?

Popcorn!

I love my pet unicorn

He comes to support me whenever I regret taking my LSD.

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn.

Eve got angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN!"
Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth", and went to sleep.
Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.

"What the heck are you doing?" he asked
"I'm count...

What do a Unicorn and an ocean filled with orange soda have in common?

They are both a Fanta Sea

What do you call a horse with the horn? A unicorn. What do you call a horse without the horn?

A eunuchorn.

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday and she giggled, "I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies!"

Ok, LSD it is!

Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed

The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says “big storm’s a brewin”. The wife Unicorn then replies, “ well then I’m glad we didn’t go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!”

Why did the unicorn cross the road?

Because he wanted to get hit by a car.

As told by my 4 year old.

Your chances of meeting a unicorn are extremely low.

But they are still higher than the chance of you getting a girlfriend/boyfriend

What is special about unicorns?

Their unique horns.

Girl, are you an unicorn?

Because I wish you were real...



...Damn I am lonely

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Why do horses love unicorns so much?

Because they’re always horny!

Where do you get unicorn milk?

From the Legendairy...

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Did you know that unicorns are hyper sexual?

Did you know that unicorns are hyper sexual?
.
.
.
It’s because they’re always horny!

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How do you spot a unicorn turd?

One piece of corn

Noah! Noah! The Unicorns are playing with the dragon eggs and won’t get on the ark!

Noah, “come help me with these squirrels, we’ll get to them later.”

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You make me feel like a unicorn...

...beautiful, magical, and horny.

I think this is an original, but chances are good it’s not, so do with it what you will.

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Unicorn hunting...

Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk.

Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”

Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”

Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”

Kurt replied, “I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits ar...

Where do unicorns like to drink?

The horn pub!

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Why are unicorns better pets than triceratops?

They're less horny.

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What did the unicorn say at the horse orgy?

"I feel really horny."

What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?

An immunicorn

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What is main difference between the mating habits of the horse and the unicorn?

The unicorn is much hornier.

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Why did the Unicorns become extinct?

Because unicorns are gay.

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

My dad is like a unicorn

He's never here. :(

what's the difference between a unicorn and a girlfriend?

i am 8 times more likely to find a unicorn

"I know where babies come from."

After coming home from school and sitting down on the couch, young Jenny proudly proclaimed "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"

Imagining storks and unicorns, her Mom said "OK, then why don't you tell me Honey."

Jenny says "The Mommy and Daddy take off their clothes and start huggi...

Noah's diary : Day 39.

Unicorn pie is delicious!

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Overheard the neighbors kid

You're on a unicorn. Behind you there is a big bear, on one side a roaring lion, on the other side a charging elephant, and in front of you a dragon. How do you get out of this alive?

Get your drunk ass off the Merrygoround!!!!

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My niece’s joke...

First she told us the old, “why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he was feeling crumby”

Being encouraged by the pity laugh from everyone, she made up this little gem:

Why did the unicorn go to the hospital? Because he was feeling horny!

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I guess bisexuals really are like unicorns...

They're horny creatures, that you only meet in a dream.

A little girl was making a wish with Santa, she said I would like a unicorn for christmas, Santa replies but unicorns are just imaginary make another wish, she says ok I would like Manchester United to win a game.

Santa replied, what colour unicorn would you like?

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It's the second day on Noah's Ark and all the animals are meeting up with their counterparts.

The unicorns find each other, and the first unicorn introduces himself, saying "Hi, my name's Frank." The second unicorn says "Hi Frank, I'm Jerry!" The unicorns in unison say "Oh shit..."

A while ago, I thought I was going insane...

...until the the unicorn and the gummy bear told me I was just fine.

I feel much better now.

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Everyone thinks that unicorns never existed but it turns out they actually just went extinct

Ironically they weren't horny enough

A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says

...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off.

I saw a man sitting on a horse head…

I said “Hey, you can’t sit on the horse head head like that, it’s bad for it’s neck.”
And the man replied “This isn’t a horse, it’s a unicorn.”

The other day my friend told me I was delusional...

...I nearly fell off of my unicorn.

Yee haw

A cowboy comes riding into town one day, only hes riding on the horses head. One of the townsfolk ask him as he riding by, "how do you stay on that horse so good"? To which the cowboy replies "its not a horse, its a unicorn"!

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A man is wandering around deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...

The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.

"What can I get you?" he asks.

"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.

"We're all out of beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves!"

"What'...

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"Angry Notes" Courtesy of Saurabh on Fropki.com

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get it up. Enjoy dreaming about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

D...

My Hopes and Dreams are like unicorns.

I stopped believing in unicorns when I was a kid.

My girlfriend is like a unicorn

She doesnt exist

A father finds a magic lamp...

and when he rubs it, a genie pops out and offers to grant him anything he wants.

The man asks for a unicorn for his daughter.

The genie says unicorns aren't even real, try to be more realistic.

So the man decides to ask the genie to let the Browns win a single game.

The g...

(not mine) I hate the Harry Potter franchise, it's too unrealistic.

I mean I'm not saying magic is impossible, everyone on my estate fights with sticks, there may even be the odd unicorn about, but who, has ever seen a ginger kid with two mates ?

Dear Noah

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said you were leaving at 4:00.

Sincerely,
The Unicorns

What do leprechauns eat on St. Patricks day?

Unicorned Beef

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On the Sixth Day, God created Man

A little later, Adam and Steve approached God in the garden.

"Hey God," said Adam.

"Adam, Steve, you've been doing a good job naming the animals. I am particularly fond of 'hippopotamus.'"

"The unicornth are my favorite!" Steve added.

"Actually, we're here about a possib...

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

A hunter went out on a hunting trip. He took his sons cigarettes by mistake.

He had an excellent day. He shot 2 bucks, a boar, a black bear, and a unicorn.

What has one horn and isn't magic?

A dead unicorn.

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