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Mermaid Jokes

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Poor mermaid

Paddy English man, Irish man and Welsh man are on the beach. They see a mermaid sitting on a rock. The most beautiful creature they had ever seen.

English man goes up and asks, have you every been kissed? The mermaid is all coy and says no. English man gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek.Wel...

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

They out grew their b-shells.

If a sailor calls a woman in the ocean a Mermaid, what does he call a woman on land?

Land Hoe!

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- Dad, are mermaids fish or women?

-It depends on if you are horny or hungry.

Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

A man fell in love with a mermaid

Everything went on smoothly until his mother began to smell something fishy.

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

Why did the mermaid blush?

'Cuz she saw the ocean's bottom.

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.

The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
...

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head...

*After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an desert...

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

B shells aren’t big enough.

Why couldn't the Little Mermaid graduate?

Because all her grades were under the C.

Why was the audition for The Little Mermaid so competitive?

Because every actress there was striving for Ariel Supremacy.

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Don't Fuck A Mermaid

You Could Get Merm-aids.

Mermaids shouldnt be called mermaids

they should be called hu-manatee

Mermaids

What do Mermaids use to clean their fins?

Tide

What does a mermaid wash her tail with?

Tide

How do mermaids give birth?

A sea section.

Be careful when you’re trying to get laid with a mermaid

She might have crabs.

Sean Connery was the original choice to play Sebastian in The Little Mermaid

He turned the role down because, he said, "as a child I was always told not to be shellfish."

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The Mermaid Joke

On the outskirts of a small town in eastern Missouri, there once lived a farmer, his wife, and their three sons. Once upon a time their dairy farm had been huge, and business was booming. But a terrible cow-afflicting disease swept throughout the town, and hit this families bovine particularly hard ...

Where do mermaids go to watch movies?

The dive in.

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The mermaid joke

The guy that has only one testicle was swimming in the pond and all of a sudden someone grabs him from his testicle. He looks down and sees a mermaid is holding his ball.
Then mermaid asks:
plus 1 or minus 1?
The shocked and scared guy says:
plus 1.
Tge mermaid lets him go and swim...

Why was the mermaid so good at math?

Because she wore an algae-bra.

What's the opposite of a mermaid?

Land Ho!

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What do you call a mermaid prostitutes?

Water Hose.

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What's the most useless creature in existence?

Mermaids. You can neither eat them nor fuck them.

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WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID SEX

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to ...

Why did the mermaid stop dieting?

She was too fin.

what do you call male mermaids?

sea men

What does a cowboy mermaid ride?

A seahorse!

Why didn't the mermaid finish high school?

Because her grades were always under the C

What is the opposite of a Mermaid...

... a landlord!!

(this is my sister’s joke, I can’t take credit for it)

A mermaid is half cute

The other half is just some lady

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Three men are strolling along the Seafront…

Three men are walking along the seafront when they encounter a mermaid lazing about in the surf below them. The mermaid seems friendly, and the men are amazed at seeing this beautiful woman, so they strike up a conversation with her and make their way down to the beach.

Eventually, the first...

What do mermaids smoke when they want to get high?

Sea weed.

Why do mermaids smoke sea weed?

Because it contains the active ingredient THSea.

How do mermaids smoke sea weed?

Water bongs.

I know The Little Mermaid's breast size.

It's obvious. She's wearing C-shells.

What kind of STD can you get from a mermaid?

Seaphilis.

Two fishermen caught a mermaid.

One of them holding the mermaid in his arms looked at her attentively and threw her back into the sea.
But why? - asked the other fisherman.
But how? - answered the first one.

Q: What’s opposite of mermaid?

A: Landlady

Did you know Ariel is in new Little Mermaid content?

She started an OnlyFins.

What did the mermaid say to the pirate?

" I'm so wet right now"

What’s a mermaid’s favorite drug?

Seaweed

What kind of cannabis does a mermaid smoke?

Seaweed!

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

Why was the mermaid couple so indecisive?

Because they both refused to wear the pants in the relationship.

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

I once dated a mermaid

I didn't believe her at first, due to the human legs. But the smell was unmistakable.

Why don’t mermaids use Bash?

Because they prefer a C-Shell.

What font does the mermaid use when typing?

Ariel

If you kill a mermaid and steep its tail...

...does that make you gill-tea for murder?

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The Mermaid Joke

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man at the other end with a very small head, about the size of a softball. He walks up and says, I just have to ask, whats up with your head? The guy with the tiny head says, "I was walking along the beach alone one night and a mermaid appeared. She said that she...

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

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What do mermaid mathematicians use to hold their breasts up?

An algae-bra.

Why do French people not trust mermaids?

Because that girl is poisson.

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What do you call a mermaid's flying boob?

Ariel's aerial areola.

Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because D-shells are too big and B- shells are too small.



*A random elderly woman just stopped in the street in front off where I was sitting and told me this. Awesome*

You guys hear about the half of a mermaid that washed up on shore?

It's only a tale...

You can say about mermaids whatever you want...

But every single one of them can speak their language fluently

If Merman's best friend is dogfish, what's Mermaid's best friend?

Sea cucumber.

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Cause she was too big for B- shells!

(my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

Last night I dreamt my math teacher was a mermaid…

and my secret lover.

But she dumped me after I couldn’t unhook her top part.

Too bad. I failed my algae bra test.

What do math and mermaids have in common?

They both have an alge-bra.

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