I was gonna make a giraffe joke

But it's too long

I respect giraffe's...

They're an animal I can look up to.

Why people never believe giraffes?

Because they tell tall tales

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

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You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

A guy wakes up after some heavy drinking. He sees a purple giraffe standing next to his bed.

— What are you looking at? – asks the giraffe – There’s so many of you, goddamn drunks, that we had no pink elephants left!

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So this giraffe walks into a bar

…and says “The high balls are on me”.

What does the giraffe say when it bites down a biscuit?

A little goes a long way

A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says “you want a longneck?”

The giraffe says “you mean I have a choice?”

Why didnt the audience laugh at the giraffe' s joke?

It went over their heads

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

A giraffe walks into a bar

Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo

Guy walks into a bar with a giraffe

They take a seat at the bar and start taking shots.

The giraffe gets blackout drunk and passes out on the floor.

Guy gets up and goes to leave the bar.

Bartender says “hey! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”

Guy says “it’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe”

What school of magic does a Giraffe practice?

Neckromancy

A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet

But they usually only have 4

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe.They both drink a beer and go to walk out the door but the giraffe collapses on the floor.The guy carries on leaving the bar and the bartender shouts.... 'hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!

The guy replies....It's not a lion,it's a giraffe!

An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar

It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.

Never go to bars run by male giraffes.

They only serve highballs.

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Why did the mage take the giraffe out on a date?

Because he was a necromancer.

Credit goes to my (imaginary) 7 year old.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

A joke I read somewhere.

A man walks into a bar and lays down a dead giraffe.

Bartender asks "What's that lyin' there?"

Man responds "That's not a lion. That's a giraffe."

Bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

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Here's a trilogy of jokes

You know why you never see an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because they are good at it.


Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.


What's the loudest sound in the forest?

Giraffes eating cherries

A pair of Lightbulb Jokes

How many socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.



How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; one to hold a carton the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored b...

Did you know Ronnie Pickering invented the giraffe?

He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it

There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom

The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"

And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar...

They sit down and order 10 pints of beer. The bartender shrugs, but pours the beer and lines them up along the bar. They begin to slam back the pints, but the man finishes his first. The giraffe can't even make it to the last pint and passes out on the bar. The man laughs, pays the bill, and gets up...

Do you know why giraffes necks are so long?

Because their heads are so far from their body

A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama.

He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.

Rhino: "Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap."

Lion: "C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?"

Friends are like giraffes...

...If you shoot them, they die.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a giraffe?

A visit from the ethics board an a rescind of your grant.

what do you call a group of Giraffes?

a Myth

A man walks into a bar wit a giraffe

He sits down at the bar and orders himself a pint and a milkshake for the giraffe.

He finishes his pint, the giraffe finishes it's milkshake and he orders another for each of them.

Again they finish and have another.

After the third the giraffe drops down dead. The man gets u...

(OC) Why don't giraffes have stripes?

Because God took one look at them and said, "You know, that thing's so tall, it'll be easy to spot."

What's the difference between an optician and a giraffe?

If you can't tell the difference you only have to visit one!

What do you call a zoo where all the giraffes have colds?

Giraffe Sick Park

Why do giraffes have such long necks?

To get away from the smell of their feet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

Wanna hear a giraffe joke?

Nah it will just go over your head.

What do you get when giraffes play Twister?

A necktie.

A rabbit is running in the woods, he sees a giraffe smoking pot.

- Dude, don’t smoke it, it’s harmful for your body. Let's keep it healthy, come run with me, and they start running.

A little later they see an elephant prepared to snort cocaine.

- My elephant friend, drop the cocaine, come run with us.

After a little run, they see the lion ...

Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it?

Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today

A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe...

The man orders 2 beers, one for him and one for the giraffe. After a while the man goes back up to order another 2 beers and, still gives one to his giraffe and one for himself, this continues throughout the night.

As the bar closes the man gets up to leave, when suddenly his pet giraffe fal...

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A giraffe walks into a restaurant...

He asks the waiter, "Do you have any food specifically for giraffes?"

The waiter thinks for a second and comes back with a plate of spaghetti with the longest fork you've ever seen.

"Asshole!" the giraffe says, and he walks out.

The next day, a penguin walks into the restauran...

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a giraffe?

A really long pecker.

The worst part about being a giraffe

is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

Credit. The Joke Cafe

An ostrich, a loin, and a giraffe...

An ostrich, lion, and giraffe decide to visit the local drinkery after a long day at work.

"I've got the first round!" says the Lion, and they all proceed to enjoy their beverages and talk about their day.

Soon enough their first round of drinks are empty. "Waitress!!" exclaims the ost...

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A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.

His whiskers were b...

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A rabbit is running through the steppe when he meets a giraffe which is rolling a joint.

"No giraffe, you don't have to smoke that. Just come running with me!", it says to the giraffe. After thinking a few seconds, the giraffe happily joins the rabbit.

After a while they meet an elephant which is about to sniff some cocain. "No elephant, you don't have to sniff that. Just come ru...

Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam?

He called it Wildlife Preserve.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and asks for a shot of whiskey

The bartender asks him, "what is that thing and why's it in my bar?"

"That's my pet," the man replies. "He follows me everywhere and we both love a good drink."

Sighing, the bartender decides he doesn't have time to argue the semantics of bringing animals into bars and pours two shots,...

What do Giraffes eat?

Macaroni and leaves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what's fucked up?

A giraffe at a zoo orgy.

What do giraffes paint?

Giraffiti

What is the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?

One has hydraulics, the other has high bollocks

A lion stands upon his rock and lets out a large roar

Immediately, every animal goes up to the lion and crowds around him.

"I have heard rumors from one of you," begins the lion. "I have heard rumors that one of you is trying to take the throne from me, the king of the savannah. As king, I suggest I have a fight with anyone who wants to take i...

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What did the giraffe say to the cat?

Get the fuck off my tree

A pirate, two giraffes, a duck and a nun walk into a bar..

The bartender says
"Is this some kind of joke?"

What do you call a giraffe driving a car?

A danger to society

Man & his Giraffe walk into a bar

The man orders a pint for himself and 1 for his giraffe. They finish the drink and the man orders another 2 pints. This keeps going until leaving time when the man and giraffe go to leave. The giraffe collapses on the walk out but the man keeps on walking. The bartender shouts " you can't leave that...

What do two giraffes have in common?

Neither can ride a bike

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fucking smug giraffes,

Always looking down on me.

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Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate?

He looked like a fucking idiot.

A guy goes in to a pub with a giraffe.

He orders a beer, and ten shots.

Drinks his beer, taking his time, before eventually telling the giraffe "Let's get going then!"

With that the giraffe drinks all ten shots, before dying on the spot. The gentleman attempts to sneak off as the bartender yells out "Uh, excuse me pal, you...

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the zoo and I saw the monkeys masturbating.

I then saw the giraffes and I was still masturbating.

Why does a giraffe have a long neck?

So it can reach it's head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL Giraffe penises are 40in. long

Which explains their long necks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar...

They both get pissed drunk and pass out.

The man wakes up, pays his tab, begins to leave and the bartender points and says:

“Oi! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”

The man turns and says:

“It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

Where do you put Giraffes that don't feel good?

Giraffe-Sick Park

What do you get if you mix human DNA and the DNA of a giraffe?

You get thrown out of the zoo you perv.

Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...

You've seen a maul!

Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich?

It was neck and neck the whole way.

A penguin and a giraffe were fighting for a promotion

Giraffe got promoted because people looked up to him!

I read about a heartwarming story of several doctors performing an overnight surgery on a giraffe's knee.

I guess it was a joint operation.

A zebra and a giraffe have a kid...

...and named him Al. Al is really good at maths. What species is he?




An Al-ge-bra

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?

It’s a long one.

What do you call a mural of a giraffe in the street?

Giraffiti

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please don't bother teaching a giraffe to perform fellatio.

It's just not going to go down well.

"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend."

He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.

Why did the giraffe leave her boyfriend?

He was a Cheetah!

An inteovert elephant and an emo giraffe walks into a bar..

They couldnt fit in

What is a giraffe's favorite fruit?

Necktarines

What noise does a dead giraffe make?

*thud*

A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest

... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my throat and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"

The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,

"Have you ever puked?"

Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?

To connect its head and body together.

What did the giraffe say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, giraffes aren't real.

A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says

...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off.

A giraffe walks into a Californian bar....

And says to the bartender "I'll have a bourbon and coke and 27 straws please, all joined together to make one large straw" the bartender, while perturbed, fulfills the giraffes order. Painstakingly joining all straws together.

The next day the giraffe comes back and orders the same. T...

Mu favorite series of riddles when i was in high school. Hope you all like it as much as i did <3

Give 3 steps to put an elephant in a refrigerator.
i.Open the refrigerator
ii.Put the elephant in
iii.Close it

AND THEN ASK

Give 4 steps to put a giraffe in the refrigerator.
i.Open the refrigerator
ii.Take the elephant out
iii.Put the giraffe in
iv.Close it
...

One day a horse asked God “Hey God can you make my **ck even longer?”

And thus the giraffe was born.

A giraffe walks into a bar, he sits and orders 6 martinis........

Shame on you for wanting a punchline.

This giraffe needs help.

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