UPJOKE
leopardmammalcamelliongorillarhinoceroshippopotamuschimpanzeeelephanthippoapecrocodileorangutanzebrahyena

I was gonna make a giraffe joke

But it's too long

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

I respect giraffe's...

They're an animal I can look up to.

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You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

Why people never believe giraffes?

Because they tell tall tales

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

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a giraffe walks into a bar

And says "high balls are on me"

What do you call a giraffe with no eyes?

A graph

Man walks into a bar with a Giraffe

Sits down at a table and orders a round, whiskey for him and a double for the giraffe

This goes on for a few more rounds until the giraffe is all but passed out, laying across the table

Man stands up and starts to stagger to the exit.

Barman looks over and says "Hey - you can't...

A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says “you want a longneck?”

The giraffe says “you mean I have a choice?”

Why didnt the audience laugh at the giraffe' s joke?

It went over their heads

What's Worse Than A Giraffe With Sore Throat?

A centipede with sore feet

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Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.


Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.


What is the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.

A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet

But they usually only have 4

Guy walks into a bar with a giraffe

They take a seat at the bar and start taking shots.

The giraffe gets blackout drunk and passes out on the floor.

Guy gets up and goes to leave the bar.

Bartender says “hey! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”

Guy says “it’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe”

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe?

A little goes a long way

I once went on safari and saw a giraffe humping an antelope.

Thinking back, I probably should’ve used google chrome.

Zebra dies and goes to Heaven

The giraffe asks him, "Why you look so depressed? "

Zebra says, "I never knew if I was black with white stripes or white with black stripes."

Giraffe says, "We you can go to God and ask Him any question."

So the Zebra goes and comes back looking confused.

Giraffe asks, "...

A giraffe walks into a bar

Giraffes aren’t good at playing limbo

What school of magic does a Giraffe practice?

Neckromancy

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

A man walks into a bar…

A man walks into a bar after a long day at work.

He sits down at the bar and says, “G’day, mate. Just give us whatever is on tap.”

The bartender responds, “sure thing, mate.”

After having a couple drinks, the man starts to get a bit tipsy. But, seeing as it’s a Friday, he decide...

An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar

It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

Did you know Ronnie Pickering invented the giraffe?

He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it

Never go to bars run by male giraffes.

They only serve highballs.

Why did the mage take the giraffe out on a date?

Because he was a necromancer.

Credit goes to my (imaginary) 7 year old.

A guy wakes up after some heavy drinking. He sees a purple giraffe standing next to his bed.

— What are you looking at? – asks the giraffe – There’s so many of you, goddamn drunks, that we had no pink elephants left!

There is an elephant and a giraffe in the bathroom

The giraffe says "pass the soap, please"

And the elephant says "no soap, radio!"

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar...

They sit down and order 10 pints of beer. The bartender shrugs, but pours the beer and lines them up along the bar. They begin to slam back the pints, but the man finishes his first. The giraffe can't even make it to the last pint and passes out on the bar. The man laughs, pays the bill, and gets up...

What do you get if you cross an alligator with a giraffe?

A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

A man walks into a bar wit a giraffe

He sits down at the bar and orders himself a pint and a milkshake for the giraffe.

He finishes his pint, the giraffe finishes it's milkshake and he orders another for each of them.

Again they finish and have another.

After the third the giraffe drops down dead. The man gets u...

(OC) Why don't giraffes have stripes?

Because God took one look at them and said, "You know, that thing's so tall, it'll be easy to spot."

Do you know why giraffes necks are so long?

Because their heads are so far from their body

A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama.

He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.

Rhino: "Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap."

Lion: "C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?"

The worst part about being a giraffe

is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

Credit. The Joke Cafe

Friends are like giraffes...

...If you shoot them, they die.

three brainteasers to sharpen your mind

**Q1 : how do you put an elephant in a refrigerator in three steps ?**

Answer :

1. you open the refrigerator
2. you put the elephant in
3. you close the refrigerator

**Q2 : how do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator in four steps ?** ...

What's the difference between an optician and a giraffe?

If you can't tell the difference you only have to visit one!

A rabbit is running in the woods, he sees a giraffe smoking pot.

- Dude, don’t smoke it, it’s harmful for your body. Let's keep it healthy, come run with me, and they start running.

A little later they see an elephant prepared to snort cocaine.

- My elephant friend, drop the cocaine, come run with us.

After a little run, they see the lion ...

A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe...

The man orders 2 beers, one for him and one for the giraffe. After a while the man goes back up to order another 2 beers and, still gives one to his giraffe and one for himself, this continues throughout the night.

As the bar closes the man gets up to leave, when suddenly his pet giraffe fal...

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and asks for a shot of whiskey

The bartender asks him, "what is that thing and why's it in my bar?"

"That's my pet," the man replies. "He follows me everywhere and we both love a good drink."

Sighing, the bartender decides he doesn't have time to argue the semantics of bringing animals into bars and pours two shots,...

What do you call a zoo where all the giraffes have colds?

Giraffe Sick Park

Wanna hear a giraffe joke?

Nah it will just go over your head.

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.


*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.


*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

Elephant in a fridge (what style of humour is this joke?)

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

(This is a 6 in 1 joke)
Person 1: You have 500 bricks. If you throw one off a plane, how many will you have left?
Person 2: 499.
Person 1: Correct!

Person 1: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Person 2: That’s not...

There a 502 bricks in a plane, one falls out, how many bricks are left?

501

Hoe do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in, shut the door

How do put a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door

The lion king invites all the animals to a party, but ones missi...

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A giraffe walks into a restaurant...

He asks the waiter, "Do you have any food specifically for giraffes?"

The waiter thinks for a second and comes back with a plate of spaghetti with the longest fork you've ever seen.

"Asshole!" the giraffe says, and he walks out.

The next day, a penguin walks into the restauran...

Did you hear about Walmart's new business model?

Walmart bought the rights to Toys-R-Us and is merging with it. They are changing the mascot from a giraffe to a sea mammal, though.

They're gonna call it, Wal-R-Us.

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A rabbit is running through the steppe when he meets a giraffe which is rolling a joint.

"No giraffe, you don't have to smoke that. Just come running with me!", it says to the giraffe. After thinking a few seconds, the giraffe happily joins the rabbit.

After a while they meet an elephant which is about to sniff some cocain. "No elephant, you don't have to sniff that. Just come ru...

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Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate?

He looked like a fucking idiot.

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A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.

His whiskers were b...

A giraffe walks into an airport...

A giraffe walks into an airport, and a TSA agent walks up to him and asks:

"Hey, is this your laptop?"

And the giraffe says:

"I thought you'd never ask"

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a giraffe?

A really long pecker.

What is the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?

One has hydraulics, the other has high bollocks

Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it?

Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today

What do you call a giraffe driving a car?

A danger to society

Did you hear about the guy who made giraffe and elephant jam?

He called it Wildlife Preserve.

Man & his Giraffe walk into a bar

The man orders a pint for himself and 1 for his giraffe. They finish the drink and the man orders another 2 pints. This keeps going until leaving time when the man and giraffe go to leave. The giraffe collapses on the walk out but the man keeps on walking. The bartender shouts " you can't leave that...

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Fucking smug giraffes,

Always looking down on me.

What do Giraffes eat?

Macaroni and leaves.

What do you get when two giraffes collide?

A giraffic jam!

What do giraffes paint?

Giraffiti

A guy goes in to a pub with a giraffe.

He orders a beer, and ten shots.

Drinks his beer, taking his time, before eventually telling the giraffe "Let's get going then!"

With that the giraffe drinks all ten shots, before dying on the spot. The gentleman attempts to sneak off as the bartender yells out "Uh, excuse me pal, you...

A pirate, two giraffes, a duck and a nun walk into a bar..

The bartender says
"Is this some kind of joke?"

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL Giraffe penises are 40in. long

Which explains their long necks

Why does a giraffe have a long neck?

So it can reach it's head.

Where do you put Giraffes that don't feel good?

Giraffe-Sick Park

Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?

It’s a long one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please don't bother teaching a giraffe to perform fellatio.

It's just not going to go down well.

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

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A man and a giraffe walk into a bar...

They both get pissed drunk and pass out.

The man wakes up, pays his tab, begins to leave and the bartender points and says:

“Oi! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”

The man turns and says:

“It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...

You've seen a maul!

What did the giraffe say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, giraffes aren't real.

A zebra and a giraffe have a kid...

...and named him Al. Al is really good at maths. What species is he?




An Al-ge-bra

Did you hear about the race between the giraffe and the ostrich?

It was neck and neck the whole way.

What do you call a mural of a giraffe in the street?

Giraffiti

What do two giraffes have in common?

Neither can ride a bike

Giraffes do not exist

Chuck Norris just uppercut a horse

Set up by a 4 year old

True story. This morning my 4 year old granddaughter asked if I new what a baby jumper was. I told told her I didn’t know. So she grinned, began jumping up and down, and told me it’s a baby that jumps.

Bear with me. I didn’t realize her literal answer was just a set up.

She then asked ...

A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest

... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my throat and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"

The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,

"Have you ever puked?"

A giraffe walks into a bar, he sits and orders 6 martinis........

Shame on you for wanting a punchline.

This giraffe needs help.

Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?

To connect its head and body together.

Why did the giraffe leave her boyfriend?

He was a Cheetah!

I read about a heartwarming story of several doctors performing an overnight surgery on a giraffe's knee.

I guess it was a joint operation.

An inteovert elephant and an emo giraffe walks into a bar..

They couldnt fit in

What noise does a dead giraffe make?

*thud*

A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says

...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off.

Ever heard the one about the giraffe?

Nevermind, it'd probably go over your head.

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