This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

A limerick from Cape Horn

There once was a man from Cape Horn,


who wished he never was born.


And he wouldn't have been


if his father had seen


that the top of the rubber was torn.

A man driving down the road, slams on his breaks, and honks the horn because there is a car stopped in the middle of the road.

He storms out of his car and looks inside of the parked car to see a naked couple laying inside. He yells at them, "What are you doing in the middle of the road?! Why didn't you move when I honked?"

The naked man in the car yells back, "You were coming, I was coming, and she was coming. You w...

What do you call a unicorn with no horn?

A Eunuch

A Boy Scout decided to start a business fixing horns on cars and trucks…

He called it "Beep Repaired."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An r/classicialmusic mod removed this one when I posted it. What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?

A bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the anthropomorphic trumpet say when he saw the other anthropomorphic trumpet which was really attractive and aroused him?

I'm horny

What do you call an animal that got its horn cut off ?

A Eunuchorn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do rich guys always honk their horns?

So blind people can know they’re dicks too.

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off...

Who was the first amoeba to sail around Cape Horn?

Flagellan

Dating a French Horn player

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tub...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Velma and Shaggy, your in the final round and this is the £10000 question, name a animal that has a single horn

"RHINO!"

Yes Scooby Doo, I know you know but you were knocked out in the last round.

*air horn sound*

*second air horn sound*

Me: This isn't deodorant.

A music joke someone made in my composition class. How do you know you're kissing a french horn player?

You know because she has her fist up your ass.

Gabriel's horn is a geometric figure which has infinite surface area but finite volume

This is in contrast to a vuvuzela which has a finite surface area but infinite volume

What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.

What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a guy who fixes bicycle horns?

One's motto is 'Be Prepared', the other's is 'Beep Repaired'


EDIT:I reached r/all, I promised a friend of mine that I would stop calling his mom hot if I reached all.

He sends his regards...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up ...

What has one horn and isn't magic?

A dead unicorn.

TIL Ancient Egyptian pyramids didn't have doorbells, they had horns instead.

You just used to toot and come in.

Daddy, what are all those cars' horns honking for?

It's for a wedding son.

I thought the horn was supposed to be only used as a warning.

Exactly son.

A man surfs the Internet [NSFW]

And watches some horns.

What's the worst part about dating a French horn player?

Whenever you kiss, they shove their fist up your ass.

When was the first car horn used?

Exactly 0.001 seconds after the first traffic light turned green.

I wish life was more like hockey...

Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?

What do you call a group of medical professionals who navigate around the Horn of Africa without being accosted by pirates?

Doctors without boarders.

I don't wanna blow my own horn....

But I am really flexible

How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

My car horn hasn't worked for a long time.

Today, a Boy Scout fixed it and all he said was, "Beep repaired!"

A night at the symphony

Many years ago there was a Symphony Orchestra conducted by the great Alistair Baldwick. He was one of the most renowned Symphony conductors of all time, and on this special night he was going to conduct a magnificent piece by Bach. It was one of the most difficult pieces for both players and conduct...

French Horn

Two women are talking with each other. One asks the other "What happened to the French Horn player that you were dating?"

The other says, "We broke up...he was a little freaky."

"How do you mean?" asks the other

"Well," she answers "let me put it like this. Every time we would k...

What has four legs, two horns, and always brags about climbing really tall things?

A mountain gloat.

What did Who the clown use as his clown horn?

Who nose?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the devils daughter

The devil had a very beautiful daughter, but because of her patronage, she was very lonely. she begged her father to bring her a man that would love her. he agreed on the condition that she hide her horns, so she wouldn't scare off her potential suitors. the devil brought three men to meet his daug...

How many French horn players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

100, 1 to screw it in and 99 to say how they could do it better.

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex in the middle of the highway!?

As the trucker came down the hill with a fully-loaded rig, he spied a man and a woman having sex right in the middle of the highway!


He blew his air horn, but they didn't move, so he slammed on the brakes, stopping mere inches from them.


Furious, he yelled from his cab, "Are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the 139th Anniversary of Custer at Little Big Horn

The leaders of New Rumley, Ohio wanted to have a mural painted for General Custer, who was born there in 1839. They looked everywhere for an artist. Finally, they found an amazing artist with a wonderful new style from (insert country that doesn't speak English here). The only problem was that he...

Not to toot my own horn but..

I got my bottom 2 ribs removed

I had to break up with my French horn playing girlfriend...

...She was great, but every time we kissed she tried to put her fist in my ass.

Two big, strong, grey animals are talking to each other...

Animal 1: Hey, you realize we have horns on the top of our heads right?

Animal 2: Rhino

Jane goes to buy a car...

Jane went to buy a new car that she saw advertised for a certain price. After telling the salesman which car she wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed Jane the bill, and she declared, “This isn’t the price I saw!”

The salesman went on to tell Jane how she was getting ...

What is the shortest increment of time?

The time it takes for the guy behind you to sound his horn after the lights turn green

Highway 66

Along Highway 66 there drove an old man in a busted up car, after driving for 2 hrs, his car broke down so he pulled over. After looking at the car he decided to flag down another car for a tow to the nearest town.

After waiting for several hours along came a man driving a ferrari, who saw th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows....

Why does the cow wear a bell?

Because the horn isn't working.

If light does indeed travel faster than sound...

Why did I hear the BMW behind my family’s car sound his horn before the light turned green?

You know you shouldn't have bought that second-hand car when...

...the only thing that doesn't make noise, is the horn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fuckmonster....

This is probably a repost but I have not seen it and told this joke over twenty years ago...



One day a woman is out shopping for a gift to give her friend for her birthday. Her friend had tons of things and liked really weird items, the kind of things that most people would just look...

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the ma...

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The reason prostitutes are attracted to bus drivers...

Because they have blow horn written on their trucks.

True Story. So my grandpa, my father and I were out on a car ride to the beach when I was 11.

I always loved riding with my grandpa because he told all of his war stories from serving in WWII, and as a kid they were always cool to hear.

We stopped at a stop sign, and a car with 3 asian kids pulled up behind us ( maybe 18/19 year olds) and immediately started blaring the horn. My gran...

The Aussie and Texan

A Texan had flown to Australia to see his cousins farm. As the Texan arrives he remarks,

"Wow you call the little thing a truck, Over in Texas our trucks are three times as big" the Aussie farmer, standing next to ute shrugs and starts to show the Texan around.

As they a reach paddock ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a farmer who wanted his sheep to get pregnant

However, he hadn't got a male sheep, so he asked a friend what could he do. His friend told him to take the sheep to the mountain, fuck them himself and wait to the next day. If the next day they were placed in the sun, they were pregnant, of they were placed in the shade, they weren't pregnant.
...

How do you keep little cows quiet so their mummy can sleep in on Mother’s Day?

Use the Mooote function on their horns

There was a man who really liked tractors.

One day he discovered a tractor convention in his morning paper and was very excited, so he bought his ticket instantly.

months later the day of the convention had finally arrived and he was extremely excited, he drove into the city early and planned to spend the whole day there.

when ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

Einstein said that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.

However it is possible that you may hear the sound of BMW's horn before the light turns green.

A very Canadian joke

It's Grey Cup weekend in Vancouver... the Stampeders are playing the Argonauts at BC Place, and fans are flying in from all over the country to watch the game and join in the festivities.

It's kind of chaotic at the domestic arrivals terminal at YVR. Air Canada and WestJet flights are arrivin...

I was sitting in my truck in the parking lot

watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked. He kept putting his remote in the air and every time he squeezed it...

I honked my horn.

A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway.

He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped.
Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer bought some breeding pigs

but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pi...

If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets.

I'd hate to toot my own horn.

Mother Superior called a young novice into her office one evening.

' 'Now dear, I want you to give the Father his nightly bath. You are to do as he tells you and be sure to report to me in the morning,' ' she said.

The novice agreed to do as she was told and went to prepare the Father's bath. Doing as she was told, the novice washed the Father's hair and bac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple is having sex...

A couple is having sex. Him on top and her under him. She suddenly starts to search for something in his hair and he asks her "Darling.? What are you doing?" "I'm looking for your horns because you're doing it like a devil" she replies. After some time they swap places (now her on top and he under h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An atheist dies and he sees a tunnel with a light at the end.

When he approaches the light, it transforms into a door labeled 'Hell'


The atheist opens the door and is at a beautiful beach. There are people that bathe in the sun, there's a cocktail bar and the sea is endless, blue and clear.

Among all this is a person with goat legs and horns...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do masturbating and being a bad trumpet player have in common?

Blow your horn in private, no one wants to see you rehearsing in a public park.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy

Little Timmy was in the car with his parents and brother when a police car cut them up. The dad honked the horn and screamed
"What an absolute cunt!"
"Daddy, What does cunt mean?" Timmy Asked
"Um it means police officer Timmy, just a friendly way to describe one" the dad replied in pani...

Two men are sitting on the train

One is very well educated and sophisticated and the other is a sad, simple minded alcoholic.

As the train journey is extremely long and there is nothing else to do, the well educated man decides to entertain himself by playing a game with the alcoholic.

The well educated man says “Le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world's toughest cowboy.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuns traveling in Transylvania.

Two nuns are driving down a winding road in Transylvania, long after the sun has set.

Mother Superior sits in the passenger's seat, and Sister Carlotta sits in the driver's seat. They are driving along in relative silence when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of the car and snarls ...

Where do unicorns like to drink?

The horn pub!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brass Section

I've been told different instruments are played better if you have more control over certain parts of your body.

Tubas are played better by those who have more lung control and breathing practice.

Baritones are played better by those with quick and precise tongues.

French Ho...

Grandma Sent a Letter to her Friends

Dearest Ones:
 
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With school year nearing to the end elementary teacher asks her pupils

"I want you to bring a pebble for every *bad word* you say during holiday."

Time flies by fast and at the start of the new school year teacher takes kids out to the yard and asks:

"So, how many pebbles did you have to bring?"

Various kids replies with numbers like 5, 3, 12, etc....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The train driver

A train was taking its usual route along a countryside track when it suddenly derailed itself and sped across a field before being driven back up onto its tracks. The train was stopped at the next station and the driver was questioned about his motives.



He explained that he had seen ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.