UPJOKE
elfspritegnomeangelfairy talespiritromancegoblinwitchdragonfantasydwarfmagicalfaeriepoof

I’ve met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory…

I don’t remember what did i choose though

Not all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time...

Many begin with "If I am elected, I promise to..."

My love life is like a fairy tale

it's grim.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ...

It's Christmas and the German Chancellor has a visit from a wish fairy. He has three wishes.

His first wish is that China declares war on Germany and sends its troops to the front by the shortest route.

The fairy is astonished, but complies with the wish. War is declared, but even after days no Chinese shows up.

The fairy now asks for the second wish. The chancellor wishes a s...

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

what do you call a fairy who doesn't shower or use deodorant?

Stinkerbell.

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What's the difference between a fairy tale and a redneck tale?

Fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time...", while redneck tales begin with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

How did Cinderella know that she had truly found her fairy godmother?

Her new dress actually had decently-sized pockets!

Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp

It was Marsh Madness!

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What do fairy tales, Disney movies and porn have in common?

Unrealistic stepmother depictions

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When I was a kid my fairy God mother asked if I wanted a long penis or a long memory...

I forget my response

A fairy once appeared and told a family couple

"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But u...

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What the tooth fairy looks like

This came from the book “chicken soup for the dental soul” my dentist had it in the waiting room.

I’m quoting from memory.

A 5 year old girl just lost a baby tooth and the dentist was explaining to her that if she put her tooth under the pillow at night that the tooth fairy would come ...

A good lawyer, the Tooth-fairy, Santa Claus, and a homeless man are walking down the street,

They see a 100$ bill, who gets it?

The homeless man obviously, the rest are mythical creatures

Teacher: Johnny do you have a fairy godmother?

Johnny: No, but we have an uncle we keep a close eye on.

You know, absinthe plays a huge part in the origin of what we now call bachelor parties.

It was a tradition for a man's friends to take him to an upscale bar just before his wedding and order him a glass or two of the ol' green fairy. If he truly loved his fiancee and was ready for the match, it was a fun night away from her with friends, celebrating his love. If he was having doubts, i...

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense like the Santa, Tooth fairy and Easter Bunny

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Santa, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street when they see a $100 bill on the sidewalk. Who picks it up?

The drunk of course. The other three are imaginary.

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Older joke told by my father in-law

One day Cinderella is down and her fairy godmother appears. Noticing she is not happy, she turns to her and says she would cast a spell so she could have a night out on the town, but she must be back by midnight or her pussy would turn into a pumpkin. So time goes by and midnight comes and goes and ...

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I met a fairy today that granted me one wish

"I want to live forever" I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant those type of wishes."

"Fine" I said, "I want to die only after the last repost has been made in /r/jokes!"

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

A man meets a fairy

"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.

"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.

He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.

"And youre second wish?" , the fairy asks.

"Another one of those"

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.

Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

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The Golf Fairy

A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway. Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers.

Then a fairy appeared. She said “Thank you for moving your ball o...

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The woodland statues and the Fairy

Two statues have stood facing each other for over a 1000 years. A handsome Male and a beautiful Female. One day a Fairy floats down from the sky and tells them that she has seen them there for ages and will treat them to half an hour as humans.

As soon as she had waved her magic wand and they...

I saw a book on obedience training for cats…

It was in the fairy-tails section.

A boy looks longingly to the distant islands

He wants to run away to the islands but the only problem is he’s got no money. He walks over to his wise old neighbor and asks him for advice on how to get to there.
The old man says, “well these woods here have magical pixies that have a special dust. If you get their dust you could just fly th...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

###

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.


"First, you must wear a diaphragm."


Cinderella agrees.


"What's the se...

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The bear and the rabbit and their fairy tale

In the woods. There is a bear and a rabbit. The bear is an grumpy and always horny guy.
The rabbit has to suffer a lot from him. He gets humiliated all the time. When the bear goes to the toilet and there is no paper around, he takes the rabbit to wipe his butt.
When he gets horny... He also...

The teacher said “Little Timmy, do you believe that you have a fairy godmother?”

Little Timmy said “I’m not sure, but I’ve got an uncle we keep an eye on.”

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I put my mobile phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in its place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

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A Lion is chasing a Monkey in the Jungle

The lion was chasing the monkey then suddenly a fairy appeared and stopped both of them.
The fairy said that she’ll give both the lion and the monkey 3 wishes each if the lion stops chasing the monkey.
The lion agrees and states his first wish “ I wish all the lions in this jungle become lione...

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How do you make an elf horny?

Fairy moans.

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

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What do you call a fairy giving a blow job

A Goblin

I was devastated when I found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real. Because that means it was my parents...

who molested me.



credit: Ryan Stout

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The story of the magic Fairy in the wood!

A guy wonders in the woods, seeking for mushrooms

he picks up one, and by magic a fairy APPEARS!

"Hello, im the magic fairy you've been very nice boy, i will grant you ONE wish" say the fairy

the guy, in shock, shruggs

"hmm..Well..**hehe**.., im a waiter..in a restaurant...

I heard that Fairy Tale merchandise is on sale!

Now, that's what I call fair retail!

Did you hear about the fairy godmother that needed extra minutes to decide her first move in a chess game?

Wants pawn time.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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Three men encounter a fairy

The fairy says: "You will jump from a 3m Tower into a pool. Whatever you say first, the pool will be filled with it and you will land in it."

The first man goes ahead, jumps and screams "Vodka" The pool is instantly filled to the brim with Vodka and he lands in it.

The second man jumps...

i hope it wasnt here already

Putin asks a fairy: Where will I be in april?

The fairy answers: I see you in a limo driving through kiev, the war between Russia and Ukraine has ended, everyone is cheering.

Putin: Am I waving to them?

Fairy: No, the coffin is closed.

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

A Republican, a Democrat, a Communist, a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, an African, a Caucasian, an Asian, a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a fairy, an elf, and an unicorn walk into a bar...

The bar tender looks up

"What is this? A joke?"

My 3 year old daughter as a pink fairy princes

To my wife: “I’ll make you a queen!”
To me: “I’ll make you a cookie monster!”

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl
said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting
and skied a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted
whenever he wanted.

THE END

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A bear and a rabbit stumble upon a fairy

"You both get three whishes granted", says the fairy. The bear does not need to think for long and says: "I want to be compelling to all female bears in this entire forest!"

"Ok," says the fairy, "and what is your wish, little rabbit?"

"I'd like a beautiful and strong helmet, which fit...

My son wrote a short fairy tale about a prince who became a princess

He named it Once Upon a Wiener

(True story)

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Why is a massage like a fairy tale?

They're both better with a happy ending.

Side note- female here, was having a non-sexual massage in a mall yesterday, from a little Asian lady who was probably in her late 50s. Somehow it was almost a happy ending, although unintentionally on both sides. As I was lying there wondering what t...

What’s the difference between a capitialist fairy tale and a Marxist fairy tale?

A capitalist fairy tale begins with, ”Once upon a time, there was...”. A Marxist fairy tale begins with, ”Someday, there will be...”.

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Cinderella wanted to go to a ball one night

But her stepmother said she could not go. Devastated, Cinderella ran up to her room, sat on her bed, and started sobbing.

Not soon later, a fairy godmother came into her room via window. "Would you still luke to go to the ball?" The fairy godmother asked. "Yes!" Cinderella exclaimed. "Ok," t...

A fairy appears in front of an old man.

"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"

The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."

The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"

A German meets a fairy who is stuck in thorns

It said: Can you help me?
The German answered: What do I get?
The fairy said: You will have a wish fulfilled!
So the German helps her and wished to be a prince who lives in a great castle with an beautiful princess. Then he falls asleep.
When he wakes up, a beautiful princess is looking ...

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Snow white was kicked out of fairy land

Apparently she was caught sitting on pinocchios face screaming "lie to me you little shit!"

The tooth fairy, unfairly caught up in a dentures scam, was standing in line behind Voldermort in the magic prison commissary,

Suddenly, Voldermort screams at an old man alone in a corner, "You wouldn't be here if you appreciated stealth, Mr ho-ho-ho from the rooftops."

The tooth fairy realizes the outcast is Santa Claus, and separates himself from the undesirables to approach him, asking, "Kind Sir, what did you do ...

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A drunk man is walking through the park at night...

when he sees a small, dark figure in the distance. He is curious, and gets closer and sees a small person with his back to him. He touches the small man on his shoulder to turn and identify the person and is shocked...

"I can't believe what I am seeing! This has to be my lucky day! Are you.....

Posting OC before bed is like waiting for the tooth fairy

You're always disappointed when you wake up

When I was 7 years old, I realized that Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and my dad all had the same handwriting.

Good thing none of those things actually exist.

I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

Wife:

\- I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

The husband responded:

\- I told you, if you marry me, you will live like in a fairy tale!

How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?

They're always searching for the tooth.

Who is the odd one out between.... Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Bill Cosby and the tooth fairy?

The Easter bunny, the rest only come when you are sleeping.

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A Dane, Swede and a Norwegian stumbled upon a magic fairy next to three pools.

The fairy told them that she would turn the water in each of the pools into whatever they want once they jump in the water. The Norwegian immediatly jumps and shouts "Soda!" and the water turns to soda. The Dane is up next, and he screams "Orange juice!" and the water turns to orange juice. When it'...

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I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said. “Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!”

“You...

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Fairy and the evil bastard.

There was a fairy who granted 3 wishes to everyone she met. But there was an evil bastard.

Fairy:"Because you're an evil bastard, you only get one wish."

Evil bastard:"Ok, go f*ck yourself."

The Tooth Fairy wasn't too impressed with the dentures I left under my pillow...

...Tooth be trolled.

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

Woman goes to a fairy

A woman goes into the woods and finds a fairy.

"I will grant you one wish," says the fairy.

"I want my cat to be a beautiful prince," says the woman.

"Sure," replies the fairy, and the woman rushes home to find her cat a beautiful prince.

However, the prince is annoyed.<...

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Mild (NSFW) When I was younger I had a fairy godmother who granted me one wish.

She said I can either have a long penis or a long memory...


I forget my respnse

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Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

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A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

A Fairy Tale

After his daughter is cursed by the dark fairy, Maleficent, King Stefan summons his royal carpenters and commands them to make the finest, most comfortable bed in all the land.

"It will be done, Your Majesty," replies the master builder. "Does His Majesty prefer a queen or a king?"

"A ...

What's a tooth fairy's side hustle?

Prostitooth

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A male fairy tale...

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted babes and went rowing and watched rugby and went to naked bars a...

When is a Pixie not a Pixie?

When it's head is up a fairy's skit, then it's a goblin.

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A newly made fairy godmother is walking through the forest...

when she hears the sound of crying. She follows the sound and discovers a yellow frog. "Why are you crying?" she asks the frog. "Look at me," he responds, "I'm yellow all over. The other frogs laugh at me and I just can't take it anymore."

"Well," says the fairy godmother, "I just happen...

The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the tooth fairy walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says “What is this, some kind of joke?”

Fairy tale involving a Bishop.

A long time ago, in a land far away, there was a Bishop.

He was wandering trough a sunny field, reading his Bible and praising the beauties of Creation, while a croak stopped him.

He looked down and, besides a small bush, he saw a Frog who told him:

"Bishop, Bishop! Please kiss ...

Do all Fairy Tales begin with ''Once Upon a Time''?

No........
The Best begin with ''If Am Elected''

When I got my first pube, I left it under my pillow and waited for the pube fairy.

And he came.

All over my pillow.

What do you call the slang of Fairy World?

Jorgen

If you ever see a troll eat a fairy

It's either time for rehab or you're on Reddit.

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A dude visits the fairy...

...hoping she could help him resolve his problem. Indeed, his dick was too big and he could never have sex 'cause every woman was too scared it would rip them appart.

'Oh, that's not my competence. Go visit the witch and ask her to marry you. Whenever she says "no", your dick will become 20% ...

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