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Middle Ages Jokes

Why are the Middle Ages also referred to as the 'Dark' Ages?

because there were too many *knights*

Sometime in the Middle Ages

Queen: come to bed

King: not until i have a name for my soldiers

Queen: k night

King: babe ur a genius

_______________________________

(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter)

Why did life as a professional combatant in the middle ages suck?

Because you had knight shift every day.

Sometime in the middle ages, a duke sought to overthrow an earl who was his rival

So he sent a group of his soldiers to sack the earl's castle. As word of the soldiers coming spread through the town outside the castle, most people ran or hid. But as the soldiers passed through the market square, they heard a voice calling "wool for cheap, wool for cheap".

The captain of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

Middle Ages Joke

Flower: I will droop my petals a little.

Aspiring gardener: THOU WILT NOT.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The good thing about the Middle Ages was that you could pee and poop anywhere.

The bad thing about the Middle Ages was that everyone could pee and poop anywhere.

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

In the Middle Ages people celebrated the end of the plague by holding orgies

Does anyone know if something is already planned?

I read that the Welsh invented the condom in the Middle Ages by using a piece of sheep’s intestine.

The English later improved the design by taking it out of the sheep first.

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were a lot of knights.

Did you know in the Middle Ages there were large storages of lettuce in the middle east

That’s where they kept the Saladin

There wasn’t global warming in the Middle Ages because

the earth was flat back then

TIL that in the middle ages it was illegal for a blind man to become king...

I mean, I don't see why not

Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages???

Because centipedes would be too fast to fight.

My wife cooked me a beautiful Islamic dinner from the Middle Ages last night.

It was very Moorish.

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Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! How...

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In the middle ages a French town was under siege by an army from Marseille.

The general of the invading army sent a message to the besieged defenders, "Surrender, you have nothing to lose, Marseille".

They replied, "We shall not surrender, we have too much, Toulouse".

Why don’t unvaccinated kids care about the Middle Ages?

Cause they’ll never experience them.

How did they execute cheapskates in the middle ages?

They had them sketched and nickled

Why were the Middle Ages called the dark ages?

Knights for dayz

(My nearly 11 kid brother made this up, he's well on his way to being a dad ...)

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

What did they call click bait in the Middle Ages?

Nothing the internet wasn't invented until like the 1970s.

Spam in the Middle Ages

A prince is awaiting a letter from his loved one for three days and three nights. On the fourth day, a pigeon flies in and drops a letter on his lap. When he opens it he reads:

"Get your sword forged for cheap"

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby.

She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my husband hath oft taken that road.”

[This is translated from a joke book from the Middle ...

Why do many people keeping buying Mudéjar art?

Because it is Moor-ish!

>!I realise that this joke is relying on fairly uncommon words like Mudéjar, Moor and moreish - which will reduce how many people will enjoy the joke. But I didn't think that should stop it from being shared. Words explained below!<

>!Mudéjar art: Refer...

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