A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.

After rubbing on it, a genie pops out!

The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported int...

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it

My illegal logging business is a success

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,

until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, b...

If you walk into the forest and chop down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you chopped it down,

Do you think it's stumped?

What did the deer say when she walked out of the forest?

“That’s the last time I do THAT for two bucks.”

A lumberjack walks into a magical forest....

A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree. He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes! And you will dialogue."

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

I searched on google “how to start a forest fire.”

It cam up with around 48,500 matches.

How far can you walk into a forest?

Half way, then you start walking out.

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3 boys are lost in a forest and find a cabin

They knock on the cabin’s door and an old man answers. The kids ask the old man if they can stay there for the night and the old man says “Why of course you can. There’s one rule though. Do not open this closet” the old man points to a door. “If you do there will be consequences!”

The kids, ...

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Suddenly, one of them is knocked out.

The other hunter panics and calls 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he could be dead!” The emergency responder replies “OK, first, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and the resp...

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So an Irishman is walking through the Kildare forest...

##

He is pretty lost, but suddenly he sees a leprechaun sitting on a rock. Surprised, he greets him. The leprechaun goes "Hello there! Not everyday you see one of my kind! Tell you what, I'll give you 3 wishes! Any you want!" So the Irishman thinks a while, and finally says "Well, it's a blo...

What are funnier mountain ranges or forest?

Mountain ranges, they're hill areas.

If a man is talking in the forest, AND NO WOMAN IS THERE TO HEAR HIM

IS HE STILL WRONG?

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A cannibal is walking around in a forest

He gets hungry so after a while of searching, he finds a restaurant run by a fellow cannibal. He sits down and looks the menu over, “lost hiker 5$” “fried missionary 15$” “fisherman 10$” and “grilled politician 250$” he asks the owner why the democrat was so expensive to which he replied, “Politicia...

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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest...

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rab...

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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly.

Looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.


What the fish didn't realize was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fl...

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(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

Just found a Land Rover buried in a forest.

It was a nice Discovery.

A stagecoach stops in the forest. The driver says to the guy blocking the road "What are you doing? Who the hell do you think you are?"

"I'm Robbin!"

Three soldiers are about to be executed near a forest.

The first soldier goes to stand in front of the firing squad. The firing squad load their shotguns, but before they can shoot, the first soldier scream: "Tornado!"

The firing squad quickly turns around to look, but there is no tornado. The soldier had tricked them, and has now escaped into th...

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An elephant in the forest once asked a rabbit...

'do you care about hygiene?' The rabbit said no. The elephant picked him up with his trunk and used him to wipe his ass.

The next day the elephant saw a squirrel. He asked the same question and the squirrel said no. He picked him up with his trunk and wanted to wipe his mouth but the squirre...

I met a bear in a forest

I said hi honey

I applied to fight the Australian forest fires...

They said I was overkoalafied. (If you enjoyed this, please donate to Australia. Thank you)

A phycopath was dragging a young woman into a dense, dark forest in the middle of the night

Woman screaming: I'm scaared!!! I'm so scared!!!


Yeah lady, sure, YOU are scared...Just imagine I will have to make the trip back all by myself!

Five Redditors are walking in a forest...

Five redditors are walking in a forest...

...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.

The first one steps forward. "I would like ...

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

An old man and a young boy are walking through a forest at night

The boy says "Gee mister, this forest sure is scary"

The old man replies "You think that's bad, I have to walk back alone"

A man and his buddies are walking through a forest when they come across an old man.

The old man asks the first friend how many times he’s cheated on his spouse, and he says “11 times, sir.” The old man gives him the keys to a Minicooper sitting in the lot behind him. The second friend says “3 times, mate.” The old man gives him the keys to a Model 3 Tesla. Finally, the man says th...

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

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An elephant and a bunny are sitting in the forest, taking a dump

"Say bunny", asks the elephant. "Dosen't it bother you when shit gets on your fur?".
"No, not at all" the bunny answers.
So the elephant grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.

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Forest Man

A lowly farmer was farming and minding his own business when a worried neighbour came by to give him a warning.

"There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous"

The farmer shrugged and continued w...

If there were ever a war between forest predators and space travellers, I’d pick the forest predators.

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Two hunters are walking through the forest

They come across a hole in the ground, about 6 feet across. They look down the hole and realize they can't see the bottom.
The one hunter asks the other, "how deep could this hole be?"
The other finds an anvil nearby and throws it down the hole. They hear it fall, and fall, and fall, but no t...

What is forest gumps email password

1forest1

A tourist takes a trip to a rain forest

In order to help guide him through the forest, he hires two local guides. About halfway through their trek they start to hear drums in the distance. The two guides look at each other with a concerned look. The tourist asks "Is something wrong?". The first guide says "No sir, as long as drums play. W...

The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investiga...

Yesterday I was walking in the forest and I found a skull.

I called the police on my cell phone and they told me not to pick it up or move it. Well, I already had moved it, but I was scared to tell them that, so I picked it up carefully by one of the antlers and put it back exactly where I found it.

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

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I was walking through the forest when I saw something glimmer in the grass.

"I approached and it turned out to be a golden frog. I quickly grabbed it, intending to sell it for a lot of money, but the frog spoke to me.


- Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.


First I didn't believe it, so I tried to stick it in my pocket, but the frog spoke again.
...

two blondes in a forest

In December, two blondes in a forest are looking for a Christmas tree. They go all around the forest for hours. Then one of them says:
"I am very tired and I am fed up with the searching - let's take some tree without the decoration."

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Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.

As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two.

“Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie.

The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in thi...

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A tree falls in the forest.

Guy in camouflage: What the f—

Tree: Oh shit— I mean AHHH I FELL

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...

How did Luke Skywalker get around the forest moon of Endor?

Ewoked.

A man applies for a job as a lumberjack

Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience?

Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years.

Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked?

The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir.

The Sahara ...

If a man goes into a forest and cuts down a tree and the tree cant figure out why he was cut down

Do you think the tree is stumped?

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Native American called Onestone

There once was a native American who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
...

What do you call an animal that conforms to and follows the principles of the forest?

A-Deer (Adhere)

Bear joke my co-worker told me

So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others

“im the greatest bear hunter there ever was”

2 of the 3 friends disagree and say

“no way i am”

an argument breaks out until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says

“i ha...

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A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

The real reason not to do anything against climate change

Just think how dumb we'd look in front of our children, if twenty years from now we discover climate change was in fact not real. We'd have cleaned the ocean and the cities, preserved the rain forests and millions of species, innovated in multiple industries, made the air breathable again, created a...

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An Israeli and his Czech friend were wandering through the forest when a bear reared up and ate the Czech guy.The Jewish guy ran to the nearest Ranger office,to report what happened. The ranger went off in his truck and returned shortly with two bears in cages in the back.

‘These are the only two bears in the vicinity can you identify which one ate your friend?’ The ranger asked
‘How could I recognize which bear is which?’ Said the fellow
‘Well,’ countered the Ranger’ One is a male bear and the other a female, maybe when the bear reared up to eat your friend you...

An old man is walking through the forest...

When he come across a frog. The frog says "kiss me and I'll turn in to a beautiful woman and be yours forever." The old man reaches down picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. From his pocket the frog says "aren't you going to kiss me?" The old man replies "at my age I would rather have a tal...

Three friends go camping in a haunted forest

Late at night, the ghost that haunts the place goes to the first guy and says; "I'm the ghost with one green eye." Naturally the first guy flees. Then, the ghost goes to the second guy and says: "I'm the ghost with one green eye". Second guy flees. And lastly the ghost goes to the third guy and says...

The big bad wolf had converted to Buddhism. There was peace in the forest. Suddenly. SCREAMS.

A bystander asked the running animals, "What's happened now?"

"The big bad wolf," a goat said, "is meditating."

"So?" said the bystander, "Isn't that a good thing...?"

"Noooo!" the goat bleated.

"It's become aware wolf!"

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.

 

One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he ...

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A magical frog, a bear, and a rabbit

Once there was a magical frog in a forest. He woke up one morning and said to himself, “Today I’m going to be generous. I will grant 3 wishes to the first 2 animals I see.” He goes outside and he sees a bear. Soon after he sees a rabbit.

The frog calls over the bear and the rabbit, and he tel...

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.

One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a mo...

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rab...

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3 Boys were lost in the forest,

They were walking through the dark forest and they see a cabin, they walk uo to the small shack and bang on the door.

An old man answered and let them in and sat them down, he said they could sleep there for a night, but the only if none of them went near his daughter, they all agreed and wen...

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There were three men who were lost in a forest.

They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king explained to the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one ca...

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A bear and a rabbit are taking a friendly stroll through the forest when they both have to take a dump

So they each go to find a tree. Afterwards, as they resume their walk, the bear asks

“Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?”

“Not at all” Rabbit says proudly.

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit a couple times and tosses him in a bush.

If you ever get lost in a forest

Just start talking about politics and someone will show up to argue with you.

A little rabbit is running through the forest

when he sees a bear and a wolf smoking a joint. Not knowing what a joint is, he approaches them.

"What are you doing guys?" the rabbit asks. "Smoking a joint." they said, "Wanna try?". "I can't. Mrs. rabbit is waiting for me." answers the rabbit. "Come on, rabbit. It's gonna be fun.". Rabbit ...

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A Native American chief was teaching his son the history of their tribe.

“Father, how do we get our names?” asked the boy.

“Well son, you see, in our culture we are named in honor of the first ‘spirited ones’ our mothers see when the child is delivered.” explained the Chief.

“My father, Soaring Eagle was named for the great bald eagle that circled outside ...

Trees

I accidentally posted this to the Reddit subgroup "funny". Hopefully I have the right spot now!

Two trees are growing up side by side in the forest one is a birch tree, and one is a beech tree. They are so conceited, theyrarely noticed the rest of the forest around them. Until one day, they l...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider.

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace ...

Making a joke in 2019 is like taking a hike through a Vietnamese forest

You never know what you’re going to set off

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Paul Bernardo and a woman go into a forest....

The woman says:Paul I’m scared


Paul:you’re scared? I’ve to walk out of this fuckin place alone

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Little rabbit opens a public musical toilet in the forest.

The animals are all queuing to try it. First comes the fox.
"What kind of music would you like?", the little rabbit asks.
"Definitely heavy metal", the fox answers.
"2 dollars", says the rabbit and he presses some buttons on the machine. The fox hands over the money, enters the toilet, and ...

An old lady was wandering through a forest.

A ranger asked her: "Ma'am, are you lost?"

She said: "No way"

My favorite Finnish joke

Pekka is at a party in a tall building in the great city of Helsinki, which is quite different from the small timber cabin in the forest he is used to as a lumberjack. Pekka is enjoying the party, but after a few bottles of the moonshine he brought, Pekka finds himself in the need of a toilet. He as...

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Three friends find a magical pool in the forest.

The magical inscription beside it says "Run at this pool and jump in while screaming your desire. The pool shall be filled with whatever you wish for."

The first guy, being the sensible one, ran straight at it and shouted "MONEY!!!" True enough, he landed in a pool of cash up to his neck. Bag...

The Legend Of The Bacon Tree

The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confuse...

Two Cherokee warriors were walking through the forest

First one sees smoke clouds in the distance so he asks the second:

\- What does that say?

Second one replies:

\- Don't worry about it, it's just SPAM.

Two men are walking through a forest

One man collapses to the ground, completely still

The other guy pulls his phone out and dials 911

“Hello, is this 911?”

“Yes sir, what is your emergency?”

“My friend just collapsed to the floor, i think he might be dead”

“Sir can you make sure he is dead?”

T...

Two trees are having an argument in the forest.

A new a sapling has popped up between a maple and a pine and the two of them got into an argument over what kind of tree it is.
The maple thinks it's a son of a birch, and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other.
Maple "it's a son of a birch"
...

Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground

The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No, you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when...

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A farmer's only donkey ran away in the forest.

He packed up a few days ration and ventured into the jungle to find his animal. He searched and he searched but he couldn't find it, so he decided to retire for the night. He climbed up a tree, tied himself to the trunk so he doesn't fall down.

Just as he was about to sleep, he heard some rus...

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A bear and a rabbit stumble upon a fairy

"You both get three whishes granted", says the fairy. The bear does not need to think for long and says: "I want to be compelling to all female bears in this entire forest!"

"Ok," says the fairy, "and what is your wish, little rabbit?"

"I'd like a beautiful and strong helmet, which fit...

How does an elephant hide in the forest?

Paints its nuts red and hides in a cherry tree.

What's the loudest sound in the wild?

A giraffe eating cherries.

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Three men wash up on an island, they find the natives, and the Chief says “Each of you go into the forest and collect 10 fruits of one kind.”

That all go rushing in to the jungle to get the fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The Chief tells him to shove all 10 apples up his ass without showing any emotion at all, if he did so he would live if not he would be killed. The man got to the third when he screeched in pain, and all ...

A man and woman are wandering a forest

They wander the forest and stumble upon a suitcase. The man opens up the suitcase. Inside, there are 2 mice that appear to be dead. The woman reacts by saying "Oh my god, are they moving?" The man replies, "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

3 hunters were walking in a forest when they came across some tracks.

One hunter claims they were bear tracks.

The second frowns, and says "No, those are certainly badger tracks."

The third just laughs and says, "Honestly! You two crack me up! Those are *obviously* baby elephant tracks!"



And then the train hit them.

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A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst C...

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Two buddies are walking through the forest

One is Jewish and the other is Czechoslovakian. Suddenly, a bear jumps out at them and eats the Czechosolovakian. The Jewish guy runs to town to get help. He find a hunter, who says that if they hurry there is still a chance to cut open the bear and get the man out alive, but if they can't get to hi...

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A guy has three sons

A guy has three sons and a herd of cows. One day a cow dies. He asks the oldest son to go to the city and buy a new cow. He warns him to be careful when going through the dark forest and avoid the witch.

The son bumps into the witch in the forest and she is a beautiful young lady who tells...

How do you call a sad forest?

forrest grump

At a religious education lesson, the teacher asks Johnny "What is red, has a tail and lives in a forest?"

Johnny replies "I'd say that it's a fox, but knowing those lessons, I think the answer is Jesus."

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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So a hunter goes out to the forest

He’s just looking for a simple blacktail deer, but he hears big footsteps so he walks to the edge of a clearing. In the middle of the clearing, there’s a huge bear. The farmer aims down his sights, and shoots the bear. He looks up, and the bear is gone.

Suddenly, he feels a *tap tap tap* on h...

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

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[NSFW] Count your days of blessing!

The monkey wife is tired of her husband's aggressive sex drive and so she prays to God for help. God appears and asks what can He do for her.
"Well, take his penis away for a month!", she goes. God tells her that that won't be fair to the monkey alone. "So take the dicks of all the animals for a...

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An elephant and a mouse are walking through a forest...

When suddenly the elephant falls through a trap hole and can't get out.
Mouse starts panicking as the elephant, stuck, pleads for help.
So the mouse starts thinking... and runs back all the way out of the forest, where he finds a parking lot.
At the edge of the parking lot, he sees a re...

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they stumble across a magic lamp.

The rabbit picks up the lamp, and rubs it. Out comes a genie, and it grants them both 3 wishes.

The bear, now focused on the wishes, decides to test the genie’s limits. He says, “I wish every other bear in the forest were female!”

The rabbit simply says, “I wish for a motorcycle helmet...

I know taking your date to a forest isn't what everyone does...

But I'm into sappy stuff like that.

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3 men are walking through a forest on their way back home, when they stumble upon a lamp...

...One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the ma...

Why are forests so creepy?

Because the trees are all shady.

Four college girls went to take a career placement exam...

The examiner told them there is only one question - just unscramble the letters in a word. So they looked at the word and after a moment one girl said "I know what that says! It says SPINE!" "Congratulations!" said the examiner. "You will be a doctor." The other three girls examine the word some mor...

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Two men are in the forest

They stumble around wildly for a while, until they find a small pond.


"Hey, I dare you to take off your clothes and get in!" the first man says


"I dare you back." says the second.


So they both hung their clothes on the branch and got in, sitting across the pond...

Animal feet

Do you know why ducks have flat feet?



For stamping out forest fires.







Do you know why elephants have flat feet?







You'd think it'd be from jumping out of trees, but it's to stamp out burning ducks.

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A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the forest...

The bear turns to the rabbit and says "do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says "no, why?"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

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A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire

A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire.

He stops and starts changing the tire when a huge storm starts.

With all the rain the screws got washed away trough the sewers.

He's pissed and soaked lost in the middle of nowhere at nig...

Did you hear the one about the boar in the forest?

Oops. Greasy fingers.

Very long.

First off, let me describe to you a little creature.

There lives in the forest a little guy known as a 'Twid'. A Twid resembles nothing so much as a Smurf on psychedelics. They have punked out hair, multi-colored skin, tattoos and piercings. Also, the sole reason for a Twid's existence on th...

What’s the difference between Logan Paul and the US military

The Americans were actually concerned if they found people in the forest.

An argument developed between the forest animals

It was over a small sapling that had grown between two large trees. One side argued that it was a son of a beech, the other thought it was the son of a birch.

They asked the woodpecker to decide the matter, since he was the expert on trees. He flew down to the sapling, took a sample and ret...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a forest

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are camping at the edge of a forest after an interfaith conference. One day, they decide they want to see who’s best at his job. So each one agrees to go into the forest, find a bear, and try to convert it.

At the end of the day they all get together to shar...

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