Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

Making a joke in 2019 is like taking a hike through a Vietnamese forest

You never know what you’re going to set off

How do you call a sad forest?

forrest grump

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

What Do You Call a Green Camel In a Forest?

Camelflage.

An argument developed between the forest animals

It was over a small sapling that had grown between two large trees. One side argued that it was a son of a beech, the other thought it was the son of a birch.

They asked the woodpecker to decide the matter, since he was the expert on trees. He flew down to the sapling, took a sample and ret...

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So there's a forest

And a fly was hovering inside the forest. But a fish was watching the fly and thinking "once that fly goes down 6 inches down. im gonna catch the fly to have myself a really nice meal. " But what he did not realize is that a bear was watching the fish watching the fly and thinking "once that fish ca...

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Three people pass out in the middle of a forest

When they wake up, there is a man pointing a gun at them.
He tells them to each go find 10 of one fruit and come back.
The first person comes with apples and the man tells them to shove it up their ass without making any face or expression.
He did one, but cried on the second one and was...

Two men go hunting in the forest.

They are walking along with their guns and enjoying the outdoors when one man suddenly collapses. His friend grabs him to see what’s wrong, but he won’t move. He knows something is wrong and calls 911. The man shouts frantically into the phone, “My buddy just collapsed! He isn’t moving and I think h...

If a tree falls in the forest with nobody around to hear it...

Wood someone make a pun out of it?

If a man says something in the forest...

...and there's no woman there to hear him...

​

...is he still wrong?

Why are forests so creepy?

Because the trees are all shady.

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A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the forest...

The bear turns to the rabbit and says "do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says "no, why?"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

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John is walking through the forest and sees a guy sitting on top of a tree.

The guy has his hands forward like holding a handlebar and going " Vrooom, Vrooom, Vrooooooommm "

John is confused but keeps moving forward and comes across another man on a tree ahead doing the same thing. He too has his hands infront of him like holding an imaginary handlebar and going " Vr...

If a tree falls in the forest and doesn't make a sound

that means my illegal logging is a success.

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Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten...

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

The FBI, CIA and KGB were tasked to find a criminal duck that escaped into the forest.

First was the CIA, they interrogated and investigated for years, and came to the conclusion that the duck doesnt exist.

Then was the FBI, they did months of investigation, interrogated and spied every animal in the forest, then they accidentally caused a wildfire that killed every animal in ...

Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground

The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No, you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when...

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An elephant and a mouse are walking through a forest...

When suddenly the elephant falls through a trap hole and can't get out.
Mouse starts panicking as the elephant, stuck, pleads for help.
So the mouse starts thinking... and runs back all the way out of the forest, where he finds a parking lot.
At the edge of the parking lot, he sees a re...

Did you hear the one about the boar in the forest?

Oops. Greasy fingers.

Two trees are having an argument in the forest.

A new a sapling has popped up between a maple and a pine and the two of them got into an argument over what kind of tree it is.
The maple thinks it's a son of a birch, and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other.
Maple "it's a son of a birch"
...

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The Forest Incident

The animals of the forest are having a meeting. For months on end, there was one big party and the forest lookes like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.

They agreed that this can't go on and voted to go teatotal. The bear was elected sheriff...

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3 men are walking through a forest on their way back home, when they stumble upon a lamp...

...One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

A doe stumbles out of the forest...

A doe stumbles out of the forest and says, “I’ll never do that for five bucks again!”

3 women are lost in the forest and found by the local tribe.

The tribe takes the women to their king. The king then instructs each of them to go to the forest and pick a fruit of their choice, and bring back 5 of them.

The first lady comes back with 5 Oranges. The king now challenges her to shove them up between her legs. If she succeeds, she will be f...

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One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Sadists attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt...

3 hunters were walking in a forest when they came across some tracks.

One hunter claims they were bear tracks.

The second frowns, and says "No, those are certainly badger tracks."

The third just laughs and says, "Honestly! You two crack me up! Those are *obviously* baby elephant tracks!"

​

And then the train hit them.

How does one walk through a Siberian forest?

Do it in a calm and relaxed manner, but bear in mind

What did the doe say when it left the forest?

"That's the last time I do that for a couple bucks."

Two toothpicks are walking through the forest,

a hedgehog walks past them. The one toothpick says to the other one: "i didn't knew that there is a busstop over here"

Two nuns in a forest at night.

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty...

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

Two hunters are in a forest

When suddenly a bear charged right at one of them, biting him and severely wounding him.

The other hunter shoots at the bear, scaring it away and immediately calls the emergency services.

Hunter “yes hello I need an ambulance at the woods right now, I think my friend might be dead”
...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a forest

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are camping at the edge of a forest after an interfaith conference. One day, they decide they want to see who’s best at his job. So each one agrees to go into the forest, find a bear, and try to convert it.

At the end of the day they all get together to shar...

I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far.

One time I was sitting there eating chicken and they bulldozed 40% of the cafe.

A man started driving to the forest to hunt bear there.

However, as he was driving there, he saw a sign saying "BEAR LEFT", so he turned around and went back home.

If a bear is telling puns in the forest, but no one is around to hear them.

Is it because he’s being unbearable?

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they stumble across a magic lamp.

The rabbit picks up the lamp, and rubs it. Out comes a genie, and it grants them both 3 wishes.

The bear, now focused on the wishes, decides to test the genie’s limits. He says, “I wish every other bear in the forest were female!”

The rabbit simply says, “I wish for a motorcycle helmet...

Today I happily walked through a forest, singing a little song, as suddenly an evil sorcerer walked up and told my he'd turn me into a dwarf because I woke him up with my noise.

Now I feel kinda grumpy.

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

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Two friends in the Forest

Two friends are walking through the forest when one of them gets bitten in the crotch by a poisonous snake. He rips off his clothes in a hurry and sees that the fangs have broken the skin of his penis. His friend frantically pulls out his phone to call emergency services. A doctor tells his friend "...

I know taking your date to a forest isn't what everyone does...

But I'm into sappy stuff like that.

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Two buddies are walking through the forest

One is Jewish and the other is Czechoslovakian. Suddenly, a bear jumps out at them and eats the Czechosolovakian. The Jewish guy runs to town to get help. He find a hunter, who says that if they hurry there is still a chance to cut open the bear and get the man out alive, but if they can't get to hi...

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A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest.

After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, you’re in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes, But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose ...

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A bear and a rabbit was walking in a forest, and they met a genie

The genie granted them each 3 wishes
The bear wished that all the bears in the local area were girls (the bear is a guy) and the rabbit wished for a motorbike. The bear then wished that all the bears in the the country were girls except for him, and the rabbit wished for a motorbike helmet. The b...

The living forest

There once lived a monk who took care of a sentient forest. The queen of a neighboring country heard of this forest and wanted to see it for herself, so she traveled there to meet the monk and see his forest.

The monk, honored by his esteemed visitor, showed her around, one beautiful grove af...

Two mandalorians were patrolling in the forest...

when one of them collapses.

The mandalorian radios command to report the incident.

Mandalorian- "Yeah my companion collapsed and isn't moving. I think he might be dead."

Command- "Well the first thing we have to do is make sure he is dead."

(Command then hears a blaster f...

Peter was hiking through the forest…

when he came to a large hole. He threw in a small stone but didn’t hear it land. Confused, he picked up a larger rock, but still no thud. Thoroughly bewildered, he dragged over a large rock and heaved it into the hole. Still nothing.

He decided he needed to figure this out. Dragging over a ma...

A middle-aged man and little boy are walking through the forest at night

The little boy turns to the man, and says

"Mister, this is creepy! I'm afraid!"

The man looks at him and laughs.

"You're afraid? I have to come back through here alone!"

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A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.

Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst C...

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[NSFW] If you woke up in the forest, naked, with a sore ass and no memory of the night before, would you tell anyone?

No???

Wanna go camping?

Why do mathematicians like forests?

Because of all the natural logs

Two hunters were walking through the forest...

all of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, m...

Two guys find a huge hole while walking in the forest.

They can't even see the bottom. So they take a couple of rocks and toss them down. They wait and wait for the sound of the rocks hitting the bottom but they hear nothing. So they find a really large rock. It takes both of them, but they get it over the edge and down it goes. Still no sound. Then the...

I was out walking in the forest one day

Suddenly, i hear the crunch of a branch being snapped.

I turn a round, and, omg, facing a bear!


I start running, but i dont get far until its on me! It slaps me to the ground, growling!

I pray that this isn't the end when... the bear hugs me gently.

Turns out its a bi...

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."
The giraffe looked at the rabbit,...

The CIA, GIGN and KGB......

are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant...

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Three men are exploring a lush forest and are captured by a tribe, they must complete a task if they want to live.

The leader told them to head back into the forest and look for 10 fruits of their choice. They must comeback. The three man leave and first man comeback with 10 apples. The chief tells him to stick them all up his ass and not react or he will die. So he did, by the 5th he started crying, killed on t...

A man is walking in the forest and finds a GIANT hole in the ground...

Wanting to see how deep it is, he finds a small stone and throws it in

He listens for it to land but doesn’t hear anything...

“Geez that’s deep” he thinks, and begins looking for for an even bigger stone to try with

He finds a good sized boulder and tosses it in..

Once ag...

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What sound did the tree make when it fell down in the forest?

I don’t know I wasnt fucking there.

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.

He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as fi...

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Animals in the forest have a meeting. The bear as the chief of the forest decides to create an outhouse and they immediatelly built it.

The next day the outhouse has broken window.

So the Bear called everyone and said:

Who knows something about that?

A squirel put her arm up and says:

"I know something about that.."

"I was jumping from a branch to a branch and suddenly the wolf took me, clean his a...

What is the password for all of Forest Gumps's accounts?

1forest1

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest...

...and is nearly on top of him. Just before the bear can pounce, time stops, freezing the animals in place. Jesus steps out from behind a tree and tells the bear that if he spares the rabbit, he will grant each creature two wishes. The bear agrees, and time resumes. The bear says, "I wish I had ...

Two mexicans walk into a haunted forest...

...Only Juan comes out.

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A pervert and a jerk are having a walk at the forest...

A pervert and a jerk are having a walk at the forest, when suddenly a fairy appears and offers 3 wishes to each one.

The pervert has the first turn, and he wishes for the whole forest to be filled with women only for him. His wish is done, the forest is full of women.

It’s the jerk’s t...

Hedgehog was pulling a rope in the forest

The rabbit saw and asked: "Why you are pulling this rope?" "You know... It's very hard to push it"replied hedgehog.

A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?” The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”

Once a woman was playing golf in a dark forest.

She hit the golf ball so hard that it got lost in the forest. She went in search of that ball.

She found the ball near a bush. As she kneeled to pick it up, She heard a voice

“I am stuck in the the bush. Help me and I will grant you three wishes.”

She saw that there was a frog i...

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Three men were walking along in the forest when

Three men were walking along in the forest when they were captured by a group of cannibals.
The king of the cannibals gives the three men a challenge "If you complete this challenge, you will go free, if not we will eat you."
The three men, not wanting to die, agree to hear the challenge....

Jennie asked Forest, "if the last three generations were named X, Y, and Z, what was the first generation named?" His response:

Gen A

How to tell what part of Washington you're in: Forest is west, desert is east...

Swamp is DC.

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

The dog, who sees the animal's bones next to it, turns to them, licks his lips and says, "What a delicious tiger that was!"

The tiger hears the dog, panics, turns and runs away.

All the while ...

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There once was a Native American who had only one testicle...

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' ...

A father and a daughter are walking in a dark forest

The daughter says: ”Dad, I’m scared”.
The father replies: ”Imagine how scared I’ll be walking back all by myself”

There are many already outstanding reasons not to leave one's automated cloning machine out in the forest...

...but the obvious bears repeating.

A Lumberjack walks into a Magical Forest..

He finds a mighty tree and begins to chop it down. As soon as he starts chopping, the tree yells out "Stop it! I'm a talking tree!" The lumber jack responds, "And you'll dialogue."

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a German walk into a forest

Suddenly, they see a bear. The Frenchman says, "Mon Dieu!". The Englishman says "Oh my god!". They look at the silent German. "Why haven't you said anything", they ask. He replies, "God is dead".

A long-neck giraffe is eating with a rabbit in the forest

... and then the giraffe brags, "Bet you are really envious of my long neck. When I'm eating, delicious food usually lingers in my throat and oh my, the taste, the scent, that feels really good!"

The rabbit swallows a mouthful real fast and then asks,

"Have you ever puked?"

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A father and his son were walking into a dark forest at night...

...and the son looks up to his dad and says, "Dad, this forest is creepy and I am scared."

The dad scoffs and replies, "What the fuck are you on about? I'm the one who has to walk out of here alone."

Daniel and Brian are cutting wood in a forest.

Daniel isn't being overly careful, and accidentally cuts his hand off. Brian, however, has some basic medical training, and helps stop the bleeding. Brian decides to wrap Daniel's severed hand up with a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. The ER doctor sees the two and looks disappointed.
...

While walking the dog tonight I heard new ideas and perspectives coming from the forest...

Then I realized it was enlightening bugs.

What is Forest Gump's favorite type of pasta?

Penne

Three blondes are lost in a forest.

When they reach to a giant lake. It is to big to go around it, so they want to go straight trough it. And than, a good fairy appears. She says that she will give one wish to each of the blondes. First one wishes for a boat. With the boat, she gets to the middle of the lake, and there is a tiny vorte...

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American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.

Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking...

Five redditors are walking in the forest...

...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.

The first one steps forward. "I would like a ten-inch-tall piano player, please". The genie ...

I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

What do you call an agreement between two forests?

A tree-ty!

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A bear was hunting a rabbit through a forest.

They passed a magic lake, where a magic toad lived. The toad called them over and said "because you are the first animals I have seen, I will grant you three wishes each.

The rabbit said that the bear should go first.
The bear said "I wish for all bears except me, in this forest to become ...

A foot model was on his way to a competition whilst walking through a forest...

...He passed by a lumberjack who accidentally let go of his axe and ended up dismembering one of the model's precious digits.

Thinking quickly the lumberjack bandaged up the model's foot with some nearby foliage and helped the model limp to his event.

When they got there the on site do...

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Once upon a time there were three bears who lived in a house in the forest. There was a great big father bear, a middle-sized mother bear and a tiny baby bear.

One morning, their breakfast porridge was too hot to eat, so they decided to go for a walk in the forest. In a little while, the three bears came back from their walk in the forest.

Then Father Bear looked at his bowl of porridge and saw the spoon in it and he said in his great big growly vo...

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Three men are lost in a forest, and are trying to find shelter

They come across a village, and when they enter, they ask for shelter, and the chief of the village says “Come back to me with a fruit, and we shall continue speaking.” All three men walk into the forest. After a while, the first of the three comes back, with a peach in hand. The chief of the villag...

A man drives deep into the forest

A man drives deep into the forest to get rid of his cat. He lets her out at an abandoned place. After one hour he gets a phone call from his wife: “The cat is back.”
The man growls: “Ok, can you put her on, I got lost and need directions.”

Two hunters walking through the forest...

As they’re walking they see an anvil, sitting next to a massive hole in the ground with rope tied around it.

Curious as to how deep the hole is they push the anvil in and wait for the splash or thud... nothing. Thinking the hole is too deep they start to walk off. Then, out of no where a goa...