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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

A stutterer applies for a job selling Bibles.

The boss is wary, but they're short on salesmen and he is willing to give it a shot.

On his first day, the new salesman comes in during lunch. "C-c-can I g-get some n-n-new B-Bibles, I'm out of st-t-stock," he says.

The boss is flabbergasted. "How on Earth did you manage that?" he as...

I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible

I’m an eighth-theist

Someone should tell trump and his fellow Republicans that the constitution isn’t a bible

You can’t pick and choose which parts you want to obey.

I’m reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible

with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. ...

The Bible is 100% accurate

Especially when you’re throwing it from close range

What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

A bible salesman won top sales award

But people are confused because he is famously known for being so timid that when he speaks, he stutters. So when the award was announced and the salesman is invited to the stage, everybody wants to hear what this man says.

After handshaking the announcer, the man hesitantly approach the micr...

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A bible thumping granny gets on a cross town bus sitting across the isle from two Cajun’s talking quietly

So of course she starts to listen. The older of the two gentlemen was saying, “First, Emma came, den I cum, then us and us again, together! And then I cum again.”
The lady stands up and says “you should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about anyone and things like that should not be...

Who was the smartest man in the bible?

Abraham. Because He knew a Lot.

Why do old people read the bible so much?

They’re cramming for their finals

Started reading the bible.

Could not bother finishing. Jesus is such a Mary Sue and lacking in any true character development. 1 star.

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

A chruch us having a bible selling contest

One person sold 10, another sold 20, but one man sold 300 bibles.

The preacher asks the man "How did you sell that many bibles?"

The man says "Wwwwell I...I...I went up...p...p...p to the d...d...door and said 'W...w...would you l..l..like to b...b...buy a b...b...bible or would you l....

Bible characters on Tinder

What would the tinder profiles of Bible characters look like?

Example: Delilah - Philistine and feisty. Strong guys make me weak. I am an aspiring hairdresser

What do you call someone that only read 1/8 of the Bible

An eightheist.

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The Bible says Mary and Joseph didn't get along very well.

Says she rode his ass all the way to Bethlehem.

If the Bible was to be summed up in one sentence it would be “ God created a man and a woman ...

... and then promptly lost control of events.”

If Bible was so successful..

why is there no Bible 2?

I learned a lot from the bible....

Mostly that some people will believe anything they read.

My blind grandmother misplaced her Bible yesterday

She was on a quest to find the Holy Braille

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I caught my son masturbating to the bible.

We had to have a come to jesus meeting.

My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...

 

 

..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

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The Bible says that homosexuality is bad...

But Jesus did get nailed by a bunch of guys.

My wife and I wanted to follow tradition and give our children respectable names from the Bible...

Our boys Cain, Lucifer, and Judas are truly a blessing.

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

What's the most unrealistic thing about the Bible?

A 30 year old man with 12 close friends.

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Pairs of parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's ob...

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Who was the first computer genius in the Bible ?

Adam, he had one hand on the Apple and one on the WANG

What was the first mention of soccer in the bible...

Jeusus goes up for the cross and gets nailed by the Romans.

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

Trump 20:16

TIL that the Bible states that only men should make coffee

It's in the book of He Brews

I fermented a bible and tried to make liquor, but to my frustration , it's non-alcoholic

Turns out it has 0 proof

The oldest job in the world

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest professio...

So I thought about writing a book about a good zombie that comes back from the dead. Turns out it’s already a thing.

It’s called the Bible.

How is number π like the Bible?

Both are believed to contain all the wisdom mankind will ever have.

Most people think that one of them has a proven value. While the other is irrational.

When small talk with the neighbors gets awkward.

I live in the Bible Belt and took a stroll around the neighborhood earlier in the week. At the turnaround an old man with a walker was getting the mail. He asked me my name and we engaged in some small talk.

 

I was about to leave, but his wife came outside so I stayed and sai...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy

but the Bible says love your enemy.

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

A priest and nun were doing BDSM

Bible Discussion Study Meeting

When the missionaries came, we had the land and they had the Bible.

They said 'Let us pray' and we closed our eyes.

When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.

I was walking to class and a guy in front of me dropped $10. I ran and picked it up and having. Just got out of bible studies I asked myself “What Would Jesus Do?”

So I turned it into wine... well... I bought some wine.

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An old Jewish man dies and goes to haven

An angel informs him that all those who lived a long and virtuous life and still believe in the creator get an audience with the Heavenly Father himself. The man proudly says “I do” and he gets to meet God for 5 minutes.

He does not want to God to hear the same tired questions that he is sur...

Why girls are evil

Girls cost time and money: time\*money

Wall Street says time is money: money\^{2}

So girls are money squared

The bible says money is the root of all evil: sqrt.money

Evil is the square root of money

money\^{2} = sqrt. money

take the square root of money\^{2}...

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

The Bible is a great read. That ending - I did not see it coming.

Or that second coming.

You better read The Holy Bible rather than reddit jokes

Said a Jehovah's Witness to me while handing the book over. I tossed it back and said,

"Repost."

What’s a priest’s favorite non-bible verse?

It’s not adultery if they’re not adults

I went running with my Bible...

...now my Psalms are sweaty.

Three sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled ...

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Who was the stretchiest man in the bible?

Abraham. He tied his ass to a tree and climbed up the mountain

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

Where does baseball appear in the Bible?

Genesis

In the Big Inning.

Four rabbis get into an argument

One rabbi claimed that he knew what a bible passage meant, but the other three thought he was wrong.

The lone rabbi asked God for a sign that he is right, and behold, it began to rain! However, the other rabbis were unconvinced, thinking "it was only a coincidence and didn't prove anything."<...

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What’s the difference between Christians and Jews?

Christians get guilt from the Bible. Jews get it from their mother.

What's difference between Bible and Trigonometry?

Eating Apple was greatest sin in Bible while in Trigonometry it's 1.

Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing?

It doesn't have any answers.

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I have no idea why people say the bible is anti gay

I definitely remember something about Jesus getting nailed

What if the last words of the bible were

"... you had to be there."

When Americans are born, they're given a Bible and a Gun.

When one doesn't get them what they want, the other surely will.

Bible study

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher....

I believe Jesus worked as a beer brewer.

The bible says Hebrews.

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What does a bible and penis have in common?

Both get forced down your throat by a pastor at the age of 12.

Why did the priest read out of two bibles at once?

for cross-reverence.

Does anyone know in which page of the Bible explains how...

...to transform water into wine?

Asking for a friend.

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I once asked my pastor what the Bible says about masturbation.

He told me it's difficult to say when all the pages are stuck together.

Whenever someone it's the crazy idea to reinterpret the bible I'm like wow...

...loose canon.

When was the longest day in the Bible?

The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

My favourite part of the Bible, Psalm:

body once told me the world was gonna roll me.

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What is the difference between a penis and the bible?

A: Nothing, they both get shoved down your throat by a catholic priest.

The first time someone drastically changed the Bible people probably thought "Wow...

...loose canon."

Whoever wrote the Bible should've come up with two more divine entities

So instead of calling it the "Holy Trinity" it would be the "Repentagon".

Why can't you use the Bible as a coaster?

Because the Bible story doesn't hold water.

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Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles.

Did you guys know that handicapped people were mentioned in the beginning of the bible?

Cain's family was dis-Abel'd.

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"Love thy neighbor as thyself", the bible said!

But my neighbour did not appreciate me trying to jerk him off :-/

A priest, a Baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar

A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.

They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.

So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet...

Buh, buh ,bible . . .

A man with a stutter answers an ad for "bible salesman wanted". He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! "

The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back f...

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Did you know men aren’t supposed to masturbate in the Bible?

It makes the pages stick together

One Sunday morning

there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who created the world?" Sara...

Missionaries went to Jewish family's house, knocked on the door and asked: "Did you read the Bible?"

The reply was: "We wrote it."

What Bible character didn’t have a father?

Joshua, son of Nun.

One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business....

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The Bible does not condemn homosexuality

The verse most people bring up is Leviticus 18:22, which says "Thou shall not lie with a man as thou would with a woman." This line has nothing to do with homosexuality.

What the verse actually means is that it's ok to lie when your wife asks if she looks fat but not when your buddy does.

Did you know people did drugs in the Bible?

That guy Stephen got stoned.

"The other day I came across an old worn out Bible, printed by Guten-something"

"Not Gutenberg?!"

"Yeah, that was it"

"You idiot, one of those sold at auction recently for over a Million dollars!!"

"Oh, I don't think it would be worth anything that much. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it"

One day the zoo keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books; On the Origin of Species and the Bible.

Surprised, he asked the orangutan, "Why are you reading both of those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

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