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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible

I’m an eighth-theist

I’m reading a book that tries to compare different versions of The Bible.

There is a lot of cross referencing.

A stutterer applies for a job selling Bibles.

The boss is wary, but they're short on salesmen and he is willing to give it a shot.

On his first day, the new salesman comes in during lunch. "C-c-can I g-get some n-n-new B-Bibles, I'm out of st-t-stock," he says.

The boss is flabbergasted. "How on Earth did you manage that?" he as...

I learned a lot from the bible....

Mostly that some people will believe anything they read.

A bible salesman won top sales award

But people are confused because he is famously known for being so timid that when he speaks, he stutters. So when the award was announced and the salesman is invited to the stage, everybody wants to hear what this man says.

After handshaking the announcer, the man hesitantly approach the micr...

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A bible thumping granny gets on a cross town bus sitting across the isle from two Cajun’s talking quietly

So of course she starts to listen. The older of the two gentlemen was saying, “First, Emma came, den I cum, then us and us again, together! And then I cum again.”
The lady stands up and says “you should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about anyone and things like that should not be...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

Bible

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called ou...

I used to think the whole Bible was true. Then I thought maybe half of it was. Then a quarter. I later decided at least an eighth of it was true.

I guess that means I’m an eighth-theist

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

A chruch us having a bible selling contest

One person sold 10, another sold 20, but one man sold 300 bibles.

The preacher asks the man "How did you sell that many bibles?"

The man says "Wwwwell I...I...I went up...p...p...p to the d...d...door and said 'W...w...would you l..l..like to b...b...buy a b...b...bible or would you l....

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The Bible says Mary and Joseph didn't get along very well.

Says she rode his ass all the way to Bethlehem.

Bible characters on Tinder

What would the tinder profiles of Bible characters look like?

Example: Delilah - Philistine and feisty. Strong guys make me weak. I am an aspiring hairdresser

Why does the Bible Belt region have so many caves?

Because it’s holy

What do you call someone that only read 1/8 of the Bible

An eightheist.

If the Bible was to be summed up in one sentence it would be “ God created a man and a woman ...

... and then promptly lost control of events.”

My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...

 

 

..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.

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The Bible says that homosexuality is bad...

But Jesus did get nailed by a bunch of guys.

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

Why do old people read the bible so much?

They’re cramming for their finals

My blind grandmother misplaced her Bible yesterday

She was on a quest to find the Holy Braille

Simply the worst Bible joke I've ever heard.

A minister and his wife go on a mission trip to Alaska. When they get there, the wife discovers her husband didn’t pack the footwear. She confronts him, and he responds, “Oh, I thought you asked if I packed Colossians, not Galoshes!”

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I caught my son masturbating to the bible.

We had to have a come to jesus meeting.

If Bible was so successful..

why is there no Bible 2?

TIL that the Bible states that only men should make coffee

It's in the book of He Brews

My wife and I wanted to follow tradition and give our children respectable names from the Bible...

Our boys Cain, Lucifer, and Judas are truly a blessing.

The bible is 100% accurate

When thrown at a close range...

What's the most unrealistic thing about the Bible?

A 30 year old man with 12 close friends.

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Who was the first computer genius in the Bible ?

Adam, he had one hand on the Apple and one on the WANG

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

When the missionaries came, we had the land and they had the Bible.

They said 'Let us pray' and we closed our eyes.

When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.

I fermented a bible and tried to make liquor, but to my frustration , it's non-alcoholic

Turns out it has 0 proof

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

How is number π like the Bible?

Both are believed to contain all the wisdom mankind will ever have.

Most people think that one of them has a proven value. While the other is irrational.

Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

Trump 20:16

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

I was walking to class and a guy in front of me dropped $10. I ran and picked it up and having. Just got out of bible studies I asked myself “What Would Jesus Do?”

So I turned it into wine... well... I bought some wine.

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

Where does baseball appear in the Bible?

Genesis

In the Big Inning.

You better read The Holy Bible rather than reddit jokes

Said a Jehovah's Witness to me while handing the book over. I tossed it back and said,

"Repost."

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

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Jesus meets Judas after the Resurrection: A Bible Story

After returning from the dead following his betrayal and crucifixion the first thing Jesus did was seek out Judas. Upon finding the distraught Judas contemplating how he'd use the fifty pieces of silver he received for his treachery Jesus said,

"Look man no hard feelings I know this disciple ...

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

What’s a priest’s favorite non-bible verse?

It’s not adultery if they’re not adults

Why did the priest read out of two bibles at once?

for cross-reverence.

I went running with my Bible...

...now my Psalms are sweaty.

The Bible is a great read. That ending - I did not see it coming.

Or that second coming.

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Who was the stretchiest man in the bible?

Abraham. He tied his ass to a tree and climbed up the mountain

Bible study

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher....

Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing?

It doesn't have any answers.

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

What's difference between Bible and Trigonometry?

Eating Apple was greatest sin in Bible while in Trigonometry it's 1.

Whenever someone it's the crazy idea to reinterpret the bible I'm like wow...

...loose canon.

When was the longest day in the Bible?

The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

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What does a bible and penis have in common?

Both get forced down your throat by a pastor at the age of 12.

What if the last words of the bible were

"... you had to be there."

When Americans are born, they're given a Bible and a Gun.

When one doesn't get them what they want, the other surely will.

Does anyone know in which page of the Bible explains how...

...to transform water into wine?

Asking for a friend.

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I have no idea why people say the bible is anti gay

I definitely remember something about Jesus getting nailed

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I once asked my pastor what the Bible says about masturbation.

He told me it's difficult to say when all the pages are stuck together.

The first time someone drastically changed the Bible people probably thought "Wow...

...loose canon."

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Of Biblical proportions

An elderly Catholic priest dies one night peacefully in his sleep after a long life of serving God, and finds himself standing at the pearly gates.

"You were such a pious and holy man in life," began St. Peter, "that as a reward you can make one request of me before leaving behind your worldl...

Whoever wrote the Bible should've come up with two more divine entities

So instead of calling it the "Holy Trinity" it would be the "Repentagon".

My favourite part of the Bible, Psalm:

body once told me the world was gonna roll me.

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