A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible...

he said he's an eighth theist

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older

then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other

The Kamasutra is more specific.

A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...

... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.

"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.

"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."

Oldy/not original: Who is the biggest sinner in the bible?

Moses, he broke all the commandments at once.

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

What was the first mention of tennis in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharoah’s court.

There's a lot of crossover between the Bible and Spongebob

Both are quite holey

The Holy Bible tells us to love one another.

The Kama Sutra is more specific.

Every time Frank went to his friend's house, he found his friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible.

“Why does your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” Frank asked his friend.

*"She’s cramming for her finals.”*

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

Who was the first man mentioned in the Bible?

Chap. 1

I bought a book calling itself 'The Bible of being a self-entitled white woman'

It's called the Ka'ran

Three men are selling Bibles

Three men go out selling Bibles to raise money for their church.
At the end of the day, the three meet up to discuss their success.
Bob goes first and was proud to say that he sold 5 Bibles and made $50 for the church.
Sam goes next and was pleased to say that he sold 7 Bibles and made $...

Who was the greatest financier from the Bible?

Noah, of course!
He was floating all his stock, while everyone else was in liquidation!

The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.

It's very prophetable.

Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible.

His last performance really brought down the house.

Bible teaches you to love thy neighbor.

Kama-sutra tells you how.

My liberal friend asked me why we think owning gun is a God given right when noone in Bible had one.

I corrected him that Paul had epistle...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

Why are there no Hondas in the bible?

Because Jesus never spoke of his own Accord.

What do you call the parts of the Bible without Moses?

Mosn't.

A stammering man walks up to a bible salesman.

"H-h-how is b-b-business g-going?" asks the man. "To be honest, not many people are into bibles these days," answers the salesman, "some people don't even answer their doors when they see me standing there." "T-t-that's a s-s-shame" says the man, "c-c-can I t-t-try f-for a d-d-day?" The biblesalesma...

I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible

I'm an eighth theist

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

What do you call person who's read every word of the Bible cover to cover twice?

Ah athiest.

Who's the best businesswoman in the bible?

Pharoah's daughter; she went to the Nile bank and drew a little prophet

Husband asks Wife to make coffee

Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?” Wife looks confused, “But that's your task, honey.” woman says “What? Why?”man asks. “It’s all over the Bible, dear.” woman replies “The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to b...

A man walks into a Christian talk centre

He listens to the priests speech and halfway through interrupts him.

“Your god can’t exist and Jesus can’t be his son and your bible is corrupted.”
The priest objects “my son i have proof if you would just let me finish-“

But the man exits the centre. The priest secretl...

I was thinking of adding cameras to the Bible

^(But they probably wouldn't be Canon)

Words from the mathematician's Bible

And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders".

"Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "...

A man was really struggling so he decides to open a Bible to random page and drop his finger on a verse and do whatever it says.

The verse his finger landed on was Matthew 27:5 “than Judas hanged himself”

The man thought “that’s not right, let me try again” and does the same thing, this time landing on Luke 10:37 “Jesus told him ‘go and do likewise’”

Again the man thought it wasn’t right and so he did it one l...

Sibling rivalry

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

The eldest son bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

The second son bought her a beautiful Rolls ...

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Celibate

A young monk is being shown around the abbey by the abbot. They come across the scriptorium.

“This,” the abbot announces proudly, “is where we make copies of the Bible. They all come from here!” He says, pointing to a giant book chained to the center of the room.

“That’s the original...

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Apparently, Bible says that proper punishment for adultery is to be stoned

That's why I always smoke weed after having sex with my girlfriend

Reforming the parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him: “Father, I have a problem. I recently bought two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say: “Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the...

I think I have a bible fetish

I just came to that revelation

A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.

On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."

Is baseball mentioned in the bible?

Yes!

In the "big inning"

Trying to read multiple versions of The Bible at the same time is really difficult.

You have to do a lot of...cross referencing.

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A couple of parrots

An attractive young woman who was scantily dressed and wearing a cross, approached a priest after 8:00 Mass on Sunday morning and told him in confidence, "Father, I have a problem… I have two female parrots but they can only say one thing", and then she whispered in the priest's ear, 'Hi, we’re hot…...

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

It's important to not read the bible, but skim it -

The devil's in the details

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

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What's the similarity between a dick and the bible?

Jewish people cut off the end

3 Nuns

Three nuns are driving home after an evening church service when suddenly a demon-like creature appears on the bonnet of their car.
The nuns are shocked and are unsure what to do!
"Quickly" says the Nun driving "Lean out the windows and say a bible verse"
So the other Nun winds down her wi...

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

Three nuns die in a car crash, and get sent up to the pearly gates of heaven. The gatekeeper sees them, and decides to have a little fun in deciding whether they may enter heaven, by giving them questions about the Bible. He explains this, and the first nun steps up to answer her question.

Gatekeeper: What were the names of the first two humans on earth?

Nun 1: Ooh, that's an easy one. Adam and Eve, of course.

The gates opened and the first nun walked in.

Gatekeeper: Next question: What fruit did Adam and Eve eat?

Nun 2: Ooh, that's an easy one. An apple,...

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.

When thrown at a close-range, especially.

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A man and his wife are on their bed one night

Their marriage has been on the rocks lately, and the wife blames it on the newfound piousness of the husband. Even now, she's trying to sleep early for work tomorrow but the man still has the lamp on; reading his bible in silence.

She didn't mind it at first, but then her husband started losi...

Why do old people read the bible so much?

Studying for the test.

So I've been watching an anime adaptation of the bible recently

And my favourite arc so far is Noah's

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Priest said I should stop masturbating

Priest said I should stop masturbating. I asked where it said that in the Bible. He said never mind where it says that, just zip up and get out of the church - I'm trying to hold service.

Three brothers are arguing over who got their mom the best Mother's Day present

The first brother says "I got mom the best gift! I bought her a brand new house! It's so huge, its practically a mansion!"

The second brother says "No, I got mom the best mother's day gift! I bought her a brand new luxury car and I even hired her a chauffeur to drive her around! She just has ...

I’m reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

One day, a man stole a copy of the Bible.

The rightful owner filed a police report, but there was no evidence left behind nor any leads on who might've stolen it, so the case fell to the wayside. As there was nothing particularly special about this Bible compared to other copies, the rightful owner bought a new copy and forgot about the ord...

A priest is giving a young nun a lift home one day.

As he's shifting gears, he rests his hand on the nun's knee. The nun looks up at the priest and says, "Father, remember Luke 14:10." The priest withdraws his hand embarrassed. Next time they stop at light, he places his hand a little higher up on her thigh, again the nun says, "Remember Luke 14:10, ...

A man's son is about to return from prison.

A man's son is about to return from prison. After spending five years in the clink, the man was very curious to know what his son plans to do further in life and what profession he's going to choose for his future. He decides to test his son. He sets a bottle of alcohol, a wad of money, a gun and a ...

I started a new job and was handed a book

"What's this?" I asked.

"This is our work bible" replied the manager

"why call it a Bible?"

"because it's written by man and it's full of errors"

A stutterer applies for a job selling Bibles.

The boss is wary, but they're short on salesmen and he is willing to give it a shot.

On his first day, the new salesman comes in during lunch. "C-c-can I g-get some n-n-new B-Bibles, I'm out of st-t-stock," he says.

The boss is flabbergasted. "How on Earth did you manage that?" he as...

Do priests who do mass without a bible...

Doing it priestyle?

Trump’s Twitter is like the Christian Bible

Both believers and nonbelievers read it to reinforce their views

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

Trump 20:16

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Angel 1 : "I just saw an important bible character playing with himself!"

Angel 2: "Jesus fucking Christ!"

Angel 1: "Yes that's what it was."

In the bible, Samson was a tough man.

But his father Samsonite was a real hard case.

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Johnny and mary at bible school

So mary and johnny are at bible school and mary has a habit of falling asleep. When this happens johnny pokes her with his pencil to wake her up.

After the teacher asks a few questions mary falls asleep and the teacher says who is our lord and savior. Johnny pokes mary with his pencil and sh...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

A church is making a Bible translation

A church is making their own translation of the Bible for children. One of the priests says to the leader of the project:

- Sir, we only have one sentence left.

- What is it?

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

- That's not to difficult. Do it and call for printing.<...

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

There are only two instruments mentioned in the Bible

Trumpets and saxophones when they mention the "wailing of the damned"

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

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How can you tell the difference between a Protestant and a Catholic? Ask them to name the books of the bible.

If you listen carefully, you'll notice that the protestant answer excludes the duetrocanonical texts, such as Tobit and Judith, while the catholic answer will be "How the fuck should I know? There's like 50 of them. Piss off."

A chruch us having a bible selling contest

One person sold 10, another sold 20, but one man sold 300 bibles.

The preacher asks the man "How did you sell that many bibles?"

The man says "Wwwwell I...I...I went up...p...p...p to the d...d...door and said 'W...w...would you l..l..like to b...b...buy a b...b...bible or would you l....

Buh, buh ,bible . . .

A man with a stutter answers an ad for "bible salesman wanted". He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! "

The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back f...

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A bible thumping granny gets on a cross town bus sitting across the isle from two Cajun’s talking quietly

So of course she starts to listen. The older of the two gentlemen was saying, “First, Emma came, den I cum, then us and us again, together! And then I cum again.”
The lady stands up and says “you should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about anyone and things like that should not be...

The Bible is not a very good book

But Noah’s arc was flooded with good story

I went running with my Bible...

...now my Psalms are sweaty.

Problems are like Bible salesmen...

if you pretend that they are not there, sooner or later they disappear.

Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible?

Eve. She made Adam's hotdog stand.

Who was the strongest person in the Bible?

Jesus, he did CrossFit.

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

The Bible, 5/10

Too much Worldbuilding.

What do you call someone that only read 1/8 of the Bible

An eightheist.

Some priests told their victims it was okay to touch them because it said so in the bible.

That is, according to John,10, Luke, 8, and Matthew, 12.

How is number π like the Bible?

Both are believed to contain all the wisdom mankind will ever have.

Most people think that one of them has a proven value. While the other is irrational.

The Bible has so many fantastic stories

It's unbelievable!

Someone should tell trump and his fellow Republicans that the constitution isn’t a bible

You can’t pick and choose which parts you want to obey.

I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

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