guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible...

he said he's an eighth theist

If Christians read the bible to strengthen their beliefs, what should atheists read to strengthen theirs?

The same.

The Bible is not against marijuana

It says," if a man lays with another man, he must be stoned".

The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.

When thrown at a close-range, especially.

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]

Some priests told their victims it was okay to touch them because it said so in the bible.

That is, according to John,10, Luke, 8, and Matthew, 12.

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How can you tell the difference between a Protestant and a Catholic? Ask them to name the books of the bible.

If you listen carefully, you'll notice that the protestant answer excludes the duetrocanonical texts, such as Tobit and Judith, while the catholic answer will be "How the fuck should I know? There's like 50 of them. Piss off."

Who's the best character in the Bible?

Noah, he has the best ark.

What do you call the parts of the Bible without Moses?

Mosn't.

Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible.

His last performance really brought down the house.

Three nuns die in a car crash, and get sent up to the pearly gates of heaven. The gatekeeper sees them, and decides to have a little fun in deciding whether they may enter heaven, by giving them questions about the Bible. He explains this, and the first nun steps up to answer her question.

Gatekeeper: What were the names of the first two humans on earth?

Nun 1: Ooh, that's an easy one. Adam and Eve, of course.

The gates opened and the first nun walked in.

Gatekeeper: Next question: What fruit did Adam and Eve eat?

Nun 2: Ooh, that's an easy one. An apple,...

Why do old people read the bible so much?

Studying for the test.

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Johnny and mary at bible school

So mary and johnny are at bible school and mary has a habit of falling asleep. When this happens johnny pokes her with his pencil to wake her up.

After the teacher asks a few questions mary falls asleep and the teacher says who is our lord and savior. Johnny pokes mary with his pencil and sh...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

The Bible has so many fantastic stories

It's unbelievable!

The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.

It's very prophetable.

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

I’m reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.

A stutterer applies for a job selling Bibles.

The boss is wary, but they're short on salesmen and he is willing to give it a shot.

On his first day, the new salesman comes in during lunch. "C-c-can I g-get some n-n-new B-Bibles, I'm out of st-t-stock," he says.

The boss is flabbergasted. "How on Earth did you manage that?" he as...

Social Distancing is important, it’s right there in the Bible.

Commandment #10 : Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor’s wife

A man had just accepted his new job as a door-to-door Bible salesman

and was introducing himself to his new co-workers.

It quickly became clear that the man had a severe stutter and the other workers began to make fun of him for it. But by the end of the week when the man had sold over 1,000 Bibles, the other workers were very impressed and stopped making fun ...

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What's the similarity between a dick and the bible?

Jewish people cut off the end

What is your dog's least favorite book in the Bible?

Neuteronomy

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

Someone should tell trump and his fellow Republicans that the constitution isn’t a bible

You can’t pick and choose which parts you want to obey.

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What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?

One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.

The other is the bible.

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

Who was the smartest man in the bible?

Abraham. Because He knew a Lot.

I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will...

 

 

..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.

I learned a lot from the bible....

Mostly that some people will believe anything they read.

Started reading the bible.

Could not bother finishing. Jesus is such a Mary Sue and lacking in any true character development. 1 star.

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A bible thumping granny gets on a cross town bus sitting across the isle from two Cajun’s talking quietly

So of course she starts to listen. The older of the two gentlemen was saying, “First, Emma came, den I cum, then us and us again, together! And then I cum again.”
The lady stands up and says “you should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about anyone and things like that should not be...

A chruch us having a bible selling contest

One person sold 10, another sold 20, but one man sold 300 bibles.

The preacher asks the man "How did you sell that many bibles?"

The man says "Wwwwell I...I...I went up...p...p...p to the d...d...door and said 'W...w...would you l..l..like to b...b...buy a b...b...bible or would you l....

A priest gives a young nun a lift home from church one day..

As he’s shifting gears, he rests his hand on the nun’s knee.

The young nun looks up at the priest and says, “Father, remember Luke 14:10.”

The priest withdraws his hand embarrassed.

Next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher up on her thigh, again the n...

What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"

Bible characters on Tinder

What would the tinder profiles of Bible characters look like?

Example: Delilah - Philistine and feisty. Strong guys make me weak. I am an aspiring hairdresser

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied,"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

Trump 20:16

A bible salesman won top sales award

But people are confused because he is famously known for being so timid that when he speaks, he stutters. So when the award was announced and the salesman is invited to the stage, everybody wants to hear what this man says.

After handshaking the announcer, the man hesitantly approach the micr...

What do you call someone that only read 1/8 of the Bible

An eightheist.

A Priest encounters a nun while going to the monastery with his car

He encounters a nun in the side of the road. The priest stops the car and offers to drive the nun to her destination, the nun accepts.

The nun gets in the car. She crosses her legs making her pretty legs to come in sight

While the priest is looking at her legs he nearly crashes. After ...

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

If Bible was so successful..

why is there no Bible 2?

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The Bible says that homosexuality is bad...

But Jesus did get nailed by a bunch of guys.

Bible

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called ou...

If the Bible was to be summed up in one sentence it would be “ God created a man and a woman ...

... and then promptly lost control of events.”

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The Bible says Mary and Joseph didn't get along very well.

Says she rode his ass all the way to Bethlehem.

Catholic parrots.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,



"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."



"What do they say?" the priest inquired..



They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" ...

A pastor was in his church with his congregation during Coronavirus.

He was praying to God for help to shield them from getting the virus.

An individual in one of the rows stood up and said to the pastor “Matthew 18:20 says Where two or three are gathered in my name there I am with them, so we all don’t have to meet in a large group and will be protected from ...

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I caught my son masturbating to the bible.

We had to have a come to jesus meeting.

Why does the Bible Belt region have so many caves?

Because it’s holy

What's the most unrealistic thing about the Bible?

A 30 year old man with 12 close friends.

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

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Sex on the Sabbath

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest.
He asks for the priest's opinion:

After consulting the Bible, the priest says.
"My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is wo...

My blind grandmother misplaced her Bible yesterday

She was on a quest to find the Holy Braille

TIL that the Bible states that only men should make coffee

It's in the book of He Brews

My wife and I wanted to follow tradition and give our children respectable names from the Bible...

Our boys Cain, Lucifer, and Judas are truly a blessing.

Simply the worst Bible joke I've ever heard.

A minister and his wife go on a mission trip to Alaska. When they get there, the wife discovers her husband didn’t pack the footwear. She confronts him, and he responds, “Oh, I thought you asked if I packed Colossians, not Galoshes!”

How do you know God was a MOPAR man?

It says in the Bible “he drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a fury”

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

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Did you know the catholic religion doesn’t have a problem with people being gay.

It was ok to be gay. As long as you smoked weed and got high. It actually says it right here in the bible. “Man who lay with man shall be stoned.”

Why can’t you read the Bible on Xbox but you can on pc?

It doesn’t work cross platform

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

A priest is on a plane sitting right next to a woman. She is so beautiful and has such magnificent proportions that the priest is having a hard time keeping is eyes off of her body.

In a moment of weakness, he lays his hands on her legs and as he does, the woman looks at him, and tells him: "psalm 134:2".
Embarrassed, the priest takes his hand off of her legs and doesn't speak to her for the rest of the flight. When he reaches home, he immediately searches for his Bible and...

Dont press religion on people,

bible says not to do that.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train...

So an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train, drinking and being loud together.

Dickie, Scotty and Paddy.

At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful nun get on, store their bags overhead and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the pries...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

How is number π like the Bible?

Both are believed to contain all the wisdom mankind will ever have.

Most people think that one of them has a proven value. While the other is irrational.

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

Bosnian X-Files

In Sarajevo hospital, at intensive care unit, a patient would die every single Friday at exactly 11 PM, in the very same bed, no matter what their medical condition may have been.

Doctors became extremely worried because they couldn't determine causes of their deaths.

Time passed on a...

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

I went running with my Bible...

...now my Psalms are sweaty.

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Missionary Work

An American missionary travels to remote Amazonv village to spread the gospel. First, thing he realizes is that he needs to teach the natives English; as that's the only language he knows and has Bibles to distirbute. He ponders and finally approaches the headman of the village.

As the wa...

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

How do you know that someone's an atheist?

They read the Bible.

Bible study

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher....

Where does baseball appear in the Bible?

Genesis

In the Big Inning.

A Christian newlywed couple buys their wedding cake.

They ask the baker to print the Bible verse **1 John 4:18**, which says the following:

>*"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..."*

However, the baker accidentally ends up printing **John 4:18** instead, which reads:

>*"For you have had five husbands, ...

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I have no idea why people say the bible is anti gay

I definitely remember something about Jesus getting nailed

I was walking to class and a guy in front of me dropped $10. I ran and picked it up and having. Just got out of bible studies I asked myself “What Would Jesus Do?”

So I turned it into wine... well... I bought some wine.

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