A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".

Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does Abo...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

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Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs

My dad said 'Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't.

So i went in and he was right.





I saw my dad.

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

Why aliens don't visit earth ?

They read the reviews......
only 1 star.....

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The wife came up with this: what's short, bald and tries to enter places it doesn't belong?

Yeah, I know, I went with my dick first too, but apparently this was just another Putin joke.

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

Just found out that "Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh" isn't a real word.

I can't tell you how angry I am.

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

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My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his Confederate flag.

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Don’t eat it!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “**Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes**. ”The little girl screamed to her brother, “**Don’...

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2^(2)

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should...

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

My girlfriend's red flags wouldn't have bothered me so much

....if they didn't have swastikas on them.

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice.

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

As the owner of the BDSM club, I'd love to waive your entry fee, but I can't do that...

...my hands are tied!

Saw a guy the other day wearing a Let’s Go Brandon T-shirt

It was nice to see someone representing the LGBTee community.

My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.

All i can do is a low ha.

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion.

They would call it the crucifact.

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

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Why old men don’t get hired…

Interviewer: Tell me your greatest weakness.

Old man: my honesty.

Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a weakness.

Old man: I don’t give a fuck what you think.

I don't get the point of threesomes.

If I want to disappoint two people at once, I take my parents out for dinner.

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

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You can't spell advertisements without

semen between the tits

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Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.


Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.


What is the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.

85%of people in America don't know basic math.

Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it

Did you know that antivaxxers don't last as long in bed?

Especially if the bed is in a hospital.

I like my coffee how I like my men. I don’t like coffee.

Kidding, I liked it in college.

A guy was going on vacation and didn't have anyone to take care of his beloved cat

So he had to leave her with his notoriously irresponsible friend. The very first day the friend left the door open and Muffin ran out and and got hit by a car and killed.

The guy called his friend the next day to see how Muffin was doing and he said "Oh, sorry, the cat's dead. Got hit by ...

My buddy once took a date to see the world’s oldest lit candle but it didn’t go well.

Turns out you really shouldn’t take your date to see an old flame.

My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.

It's spam

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Thats it,I can't take much anymore. I'm divorcing my wife. First it was some guy in a drunk party,then it was her ex-bf, her boss, my best friend, some Uber driver and even her stepbrother..

I just can't stop sucking cocks.

Prince Andrew didn't kill himself!

Sorry, just practicing it

In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of our lives.

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were tough

why don't witches where underwear

So they can get a better grip on the broom

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What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

What kind of prize do you give to someone that hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?

Atrophy!

If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time..

... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

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Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

what has ears but doesn't listen?

men.

credit: -my wife

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

Why can't you put a desk fan on its back?

Well, you could, but it would blow up.

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They say size doesn't matter

But imagine how many lives would be saved if putin had normal size dick.

I donate my O- blood as often as allowed, but I don’t do it to help others.

The blood donation center is just the only place I can go where I’m everyone’s type.

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I don't know why people think homosexuality is contagious

If it was I'd definitely have caught it by now, after having sex with so many men

I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty."

I asked " what? No bacon? No burgers?!"

To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "

My great grandma couldn't stop giggling at our large family barbecue...

I asked her what she found so funny?

"Everyone here is alive, because I got laid." she said.

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

My dad told me to never go to a cheap, sleezy, raunchy strip club, because you will see something you really shouldn’t

So I went…

I saw my dad

I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner?

It was Chewie.

Why doesn't Putin visit the Queen?

He can't handle UK rain.

A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."

The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."

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you shouldn't compare Putin to hitler

At least Hitler managed to invade a country.

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I accidentally swallowed the scrabble tiles for N, O, U, O, T, and Y.

I shit you not.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians

I was literally in my office doing nothing...

Why don't bees go to church?

... because they are in sects

Why didn’t Jesus walk on water after his resurrection?

It’s a hell of a lot harder to with holes in your feet...

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl use the bathroom?

Because they’re all dead.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

Why don’t more people eat clocks?

It’s time consuming.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight.

And America never loses

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My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

Why couldn't the pepper do archery?

Because he didn't habanero

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At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

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What did the sadistic lifeguard with a lisp say to the genius who couldn't swim?

I like the way you think!

Me: The earth isn’t flat

Me: The earth isn't flat.

Fiat earther: Correct.

Me: huh?

Fiat earther: It's shaped like an Italian car.

Me: what?

Fiat earther: You read my name wrong, didn't you?

My wife and I decided we don't want kids

We now need to tell the kids

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I almost didn't post this joke, but I decided you deserve it.

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either!”

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, a...

Don't buy Ukrainian underpants

Chernobyl fallout

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

***Thomas, Jane or the fat and ugly one?***

What is something that feels british but isn’t?

The contents of the British Museum.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

How come ants don’t get sick?

Because they have little Anty bodies…

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

Why are T-Rex's unable to clap their hands?

Because they are extinct.

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Two guys are drinking a beer and one states that he didn't have sex with his wife before they were married.

"What about you?", he asked his buddy.

"I don't know." came the reply. "What was her maiden name?"

Why don’t pigeons echo?

A coo sticks.

Why didn't Evangelical Wordle take off?

JESUS is always the answer.

Even though I'm a nerd, I don't really embrace the notion of complete and perfect knowledge of canon, but I'll admit I was pretty embarrassed when I lost all credibility in a discussion on Chewbacca when I inadvertently spelled it with a K.

It was a Wookie mistake.

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It doesn't matter if you're gay, straight or bisexual, at the end of the day ...

... it's night.

Why isn't the Russian army as strong as expected?

Because they wasted all their steroids on figure skaters a month ago.

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Why couldn't the idiot be a proctologist?

Because he doesn't know his ass from his elbow.

This morning I was aiming my pee at the side of the bowl so it wouldn't make as much noise, and my wife gets mad at me

She's way too overprotective of her cereal

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They didn’t draw a dick on your face at last nights party…

..they traced it.

What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?

A unawarewolf.

I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived.

Customer service told me they're dealing with it.

I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’, I couldn’t believe it

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return

You know Russia isn't pregnant...

Everyone's pulling out.

To those who aren't getting the V or the D today, well,

Happy alentine's ay!

Why wasn't the cat invited to the poker game?

Because it was a cheetah.

I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn't come with a driver.

Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Stolen

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

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Why don’t blind people Skydive?

It scares the shit out of the guide dog

I didn't think it was possible for anything to be hot and cold at the same time.

Until I discovered necrophilia.

I bet you won’t expect this. What has five eyes but can’t see?

The Spanish Inquisition!

I once dated a tennis player, but it didn't work out...

...it turned out love meant nothing to her.

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of Ironic.

Which was ironic, because we were at a bus station.

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't eat my ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID

none of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently

What do you get if you don't pay your exorcist?

Repossessed.

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What's it called when you can't stop doing cocaine? Addicted.

What's it like when you smoke every day? Addicted.

If you have a compulsion to bet your money on the horses, you are -- addicted.

Who invaded Ukraine? A dick did.

‌‌TIL i‌‌n 1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy.

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌...

Why didn't the sun go to college?

Because it already has a million degrees.

Just got out of a relationship where He said that if I don’t love him my life will be miserable and I will suffer forever.

That’s why I’m converting out of Christianity.

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had hard evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

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I’ve been depressed, lately, because I’m in my thirties and don’t have a girlfriend

My friends have tried to be supportive.

My wife has been a real jerk about the whole thing.

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I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my shit together.

Why can't you play games in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

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I don't have sex with my sister because it's unacceptable and gross.

I have sex with her because it's kinky.

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th months...

Whoever messed this up should be stabbed

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

Supposedly-psychic wife left me for buying her a too small t-shirt

Said she's clearly a medium

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

What’s purple and doesn’t fit anymore?

A dead epileptic

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

"Yo mama" jokes don't age well

just like yo mama.

I asked my Australian friend where in Australia there ISN'T something trying to kill you.

School was his answer.

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I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.

I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug assholes just laughed when I proved their dumb asses wrong.

Just because you are trash doesn't mean that you can't do great things.

It is called garbage can, not garbage cannot.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

Sadly that shop didn’t have any small shiny discs either.

“Sorry”, said the cashier, “we don’t have any in stock.”

A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.

So she tried another shop down the road.

Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

A man that can't talk goes to the doctor

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but...

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!

Why can’t pirates play cards?

Because they are always standing on the deck.

I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.

I am peachless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said, “My gynecologist said I can’t have sex for six weeks”

I asked her….


“What did your dentist say?”

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

How do you get rid of a friend you don't really like?

Loan them some money, you'll never see them again!

I don't really enjoy cocaine.

I just love the way it smells.

I don't understand why people are still using shampoo...

When they could be using **real** poo

My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?!”

I thought to myself, that’s a weird way to start a conversation.

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don’t make a right ...

Tomorrow I’m going to try three

Ever since the storm started, my husband won’t stop looking through the window.

If it gets any worse, I will have to let him in

Why can't a leopard hide?

It's always spotted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why won't tampons talk to ya

They're stuck up cunts

why don't claustrophobic people like accidentally meeting the same person twice?

They don’t want to be reminded that it’s a small world

I switched the labels on the jars in my wife's spice rack. She hasn't noticed it yet...

I know the Thyme is Cumin.

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,

New Roman.

old timey classic i haven’t seen on here for a while

when is a door not a door?

when it’s a jar

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

You know what you can't see from space?

The Chinese wall. That's fake news.


But you know what you can see from space? Selenskyj's huge balls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't girls have willys...

A little boy came running into the kitchen an declared, "Mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow."

A tough guy I knew said, "Don't start what you can't finish..."

So I threw away all my puzzles.

What do you call a group of guys who lie about telling funny dad jokes but aren't fathers themselves?

faux pas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

My heart sank when i received a text from my gf " I can't take this anymore,let's break up "

You can imagine the tears of joy I had when i received a follow up message

"Sorry ,wrong number"

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