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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because 4 was 2^(2).

If it weren’t for Arabs, it wouldn’t have been 9/11

It would be IX/XI

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced...

"BOOM"

I hope that blew your minds.

It would be r/funny if this post blows up.

Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant?

Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

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My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all just mapleleaf

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?

***A faux pa.***

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed”.

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Sam. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won’t run away”.
“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Sam replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US

... so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from b...

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Strippers don’t have any air conditioners in their homes

OnlyFans

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her.

I swam up to the surface instead.

Two reasons I don't give money to begging homeless people:

1. They need money for drugs.
2. I need money for drugs.

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.

Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

Me and my wife decided we don't want children

we will be telling them tonight.

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!

He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?

I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"

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I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

The barman says “We don’t serve time travellers in here”.

A time traveller walks into a bar.

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

T-Shirt is actually short for Tyrannosaurus Shirt...

Because of the short arms

What do you give to someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy

I don't like anti-vaxxers

They make me sick!

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There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why vegans don't moan during sex

It's coz they're afraid to admit that some meat makes them happy

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

**Then it hit me.**

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

What’s black and doesn’t work?

Decaf coffee

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

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I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits next to me on the train and pulls out his phone showing me a photo of his girlfriend on his background screen, and said “she’s beautiful isn’t she?”

I go “if you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife…”

He goes “why, is she a stunner?”

I replied “no, she’s an optician”

What happened to the Indian girl that didn’t want to eat her dinner?

She got sent to bed for naancompliance

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife didn’t understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague.

I had to remind her it’s a shady business.

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

Why can't vegetarians eat pudding?

You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat

If you've ever fretted about the eventual heat death of the universe, don't worry...

Everything's gonna be 0 K

Women shouldn't have children after 36.

36 children are more than enough.

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

Why don’t pirates know the alphabet?

Because they get lost at C

I couldn't make it to the top of the tower in France.

I fell.

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​ Paddy's daughte‌‌r ha‌‌dn't come hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌.

When she finally returned, Paddy curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.
"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t me and your ma through?‌‌"
‌‌T...

How does a redditor get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

Why shouldn't you fart in an apple store?

Because they don't have windows.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man whe...

I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

I thankfully wasn’t close to my father when he died..

He stepped on a Land Mine.

My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought that was a pretty weird way to start a conversation.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A maybee.

What room doesn’t have ghosts?

Living room.

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!"

The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

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My wife was screaming and yelling at the tv, “Don’t go to church you stupid bitch,” I said “what are you watching?”

She said, “Our wedding video.”

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.....

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

After only a week of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like my comparisons...

I feel worst than a turkey sandwich on a yacht.

Why Wasn't LeVar Burton Offered the Hosting Job?

Because Captain Picard would never put any of his crew members in Jeopardy.

What are the 2 holes men can't live without?

Nostrils.

What did you expect?

The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant.

Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

I got T-boned by a construction delivery truck the other day.

It came down like a ton of bricks.

My friend said he couldn't pay his water bill....

so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Why don't British people pronounce their T?

Because they drank it all.

I don't understand women

I thought opening a door for a lady was the polite thing to do, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

If batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...

... Because he brews wine.

(Sorry)

Dogs can't operate MRI machines.

But catscan...

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

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My wife won’t let me cum in her because it messes up her pH levels.

I’m starting to think it’s actually because I’m too basic for her…

PMS jokes aren't funny.

Period.

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it. Apparently...

She left me two days ago...

"Hey, aren't you that guy who gets mistaken for people?"

"No, you got the wrong person there mate."

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship...

Would it be a criminal Enterprise?

My son was walking shirtless showing his 6 pack abs proudly and said 'This didn't happen by accident'

I said ' if you ask your mother,she would tell a different answer' .

Why don't envelopes reproduce?

Because they're all mail!

I thought of this myself. Proud of it.

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I don't understand why Marvel hasn't put any advertisements on the Hulk

The guy is essentially a giant banner.

Anti vaccine americans being ignorant isn't their fault

They didn't go to school because they are scared of being shot

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

Why won't shrimps share their treasure?

Because they're shellfish.

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

Why can’t republicans use hand sanitizer?

Because the directions say to apply liberally

If I had a dollar for everytime I didn't know what was going on

I would be like: "why is everyone giving me all this money?"

What did Shakespeare say when he couldn't identify the pencil?

2B or not 2B

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

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I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

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People who can’t choose between “your” and “you’re” correctly piss me off.

Like, our you fucking kidding me?

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numbers

IM LIVID

What do you call a body of water that won’t follow its own rules?

The Hypocri Sea

Why do vaccinated people don't appreciate a Covid joke

They usually just don't get it

Mary needed veggies for dinner but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over.

She sends a text to her husband: "Honey please don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you.”

Paul, her husband, replied “Priscilla?"

“I’m kidding. I was just making sure that you read my message.”

Paul took a moment, then repl...

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I don't like to call it "masterbation"

I refer to it as a "do it yourself project"

I'm writing a book about words I don't know

I haven't come up with a title yet.

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

Communist jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them.

My favorite joke for my cake day

Why don't lions hang out with other species?

**Their pride gets in the way.**

If you don’t have a yardstick, get it now!!!!

They aren’t making them any longer.

Why Can't Orphans Play Baseball??

They don't know where home is.

Why aren’t ants getting covid?

They have anty bodies.

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

I for one can't wait to grow old and saggy

Then, maybe then, I can finally ride my bicycle without crushing my balls!

Remember: what doesn’t kill you….

Mutates and tries again

Statistics say that 2 out of 10 people don't understand how percentages work.

Unlike us, the other 90%.

Nikita Khrushchev is giving a speech on the necessity of de-Stalinizing the country. Someone in the crowd yells "And why didn't you do anything about it before Stalin died?!"

Khrushchev stands straight up and bellows "WHO SAID THAT?!?", looking left and right. When there is absolute silence and no one owns up to it, he says (in a normal voice) "That is why".

Why doesn’t Nestle use square bottles?

Because they like cutting corners.

You don’t hear much about nip slips anymore.

They’re falling out of fashion.

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won’t think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.


Because elephants never forget

I don’t like making 9/11 jokes

Because they usually crash and burn

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"I didn't have sex with my wife until after we were married. Did you?"

"I don't know. What's her maiden name?"

I have a joke and I don't know if it translates well in all cultures, so let me break it down into bits.

01100001 00100000 01101010 01101111 01101011 01100101

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

My parents told me that they don't have a favourite child.

It was tough, considering I am the only child.

My Bluetooth speaker wasn't working so I threw it into the lake...

Now it's syncing.

You actually don’t need a parachute to sky dive.

You only need one if you want to skydive twice.

It’s my cake day.. why couldn’t the Teddy Bear finish his cake?

He was already stuffed!!
Haha
Sorry it’s so cheese.

I don't understand French women.

Or French men, I don't understand French.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] Condoms don't guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone"

They call it the "Pal Region"

God is talking to one of his angels and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?” The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”

God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

Reddit should rename 'karma' to 'creddit', 'share' to 'spreddit' and 'delete' to 'shreddit'. If they do, they won't regreddit.

They probably won't, and i don't geddit.

Why didn't Genghis Khan's army move when he said "Charge"?

Because none of them understand English.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It doesn't take much to get a country girl to sleep with you

You just need to sexually a tractor

A lot of people don't laugh at my dead baby jokes.

And that's fine. I guess you had to be there.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

Why doesn't Batman cover lower part of his face?

He is vaccinated.

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

There was a Priest doing a crossword puzzle. He asked a bishop, “ what’s another word for a women that ends in U N T?”. The bishop said, “that’s easy, it aunt”.

The priest responded, “Bishop do you by any chance happen to have an eraser?”

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

I didn't want a brain Transplant

But then they changed my mind

Why don't chickens wear pants?

Because their pecker is on their head.

Why didn't the bank robbers steal the car?

Because it was too heavy and made their arms hurt.

Why didn't any dogs agree to follow the first one (Laika) into space?

Because they realized that space was really just a giant vacuum.

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

"You know, a lot of people don't know this. "Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome," and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."" - Natasha Leggero

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

Snow isn't a problem in Islamic countries

But ISIS

Why can't you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the pterodactyl is extinct.

Why can’t a girl ask her brother for help?

Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too!

Why isn’t American allowed back in Afghanistan

We’re talibanned

Why doesn't A Flock Of Seagulls perform in the Middle East?

Because Iran so far away.

I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.

A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.

What sort of monsters don't eat the crust?

I mean it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste like the rest of the watermelon

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn’t think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like “would you like us to rotate your tires?” I was like “Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over jackass!”

McAfee isn't dead...

He's still running in the background.

Snakes can't multiply!

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply".

The ark quickly emptied except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah why, they replied - we can't multiply, we are adders.

Noah immediately got busy cutting down trees and building ...

I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage

Guess what, I lost the case

Why don't witches wear underwear?

To have a better grip on the broom.

What do you call a man who can’t stand?

Neil

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor...

...Then Who is.

Why doesn't Texas have U-Haul trucks?

Cause they have Yee-Haw trucks instead.

I don't like Moussaka

It's too Greecy

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

Where do you find a cow that doesn't have any legs

Right where you left it. It isn't going anywhere.



(You thought this was going to be a "ground beef" joke, didn't you?)

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