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T Jokes

What starts with T, ends with T, but only has T in ?

Teapot

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

If it weren’t for Arabs, it wouldn’t have been 9/11

It would be IX/XI

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

French people don’t masturbate

They jacques off

Weinstein didn’t kill himself

Sorry just practicing

Me: The earth isn’t flat!

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an Italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Why isn’t there a pregnant barbie doll?

Because Ken came in a different box

If you say AT&T backwards

You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore...

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.

He’s a giant banner after all.

Why don’t ants get Covid?

Because they have tiny little anty bodies.

If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...

"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".

I hope that blew your minds.

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

Why don’t Americans make jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.

Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

In 2017, i didn’t jog. In 2018 i didn’t jog. In 2019 i didn’t jog. In 2020 i didn’t jog.

This is a running joke

Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, I made you smile :)

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

What starts with W, ends with T and has two letters in between.

Just stating the obvious.

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

1‌‌974 R‌‌ussians a‌‌ccidentally b‌‌lew u‌‌p t‌‌heir o‌‌wn s‌‌ubmarine, t‌‌hinking i‌‌t w‌‌as a‌‌n e‌‌nemy

Oops, w‌‌rong s‌‌ub.

Difference between I.T and management

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”...

Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”

Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?

Stop school shootings

Hookers don’t fart

They let out little prosti-toots.

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

A man’s wife doesn’t come home one night.

The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friends house. The husband then contacted all of his wife’s friends asking about it: none of them said that she was staying the night.

A few nights later, the husband doesn’t come home one night. Just like his wife, the...

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed".

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”..

There stupid.

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In college, I wasn’t admitted to any fraternity because I was circumcised.

To get in, you had to be a complete dick.

Saw a guy the other day wearing a Let’s Go Brandon T-shirt

It was nice to see someone representing the LGBTee community.

My carbon monoxide detector won’t stop beeping.

It’s giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

Good thing Chris rock didn’t make fun of hilaria baldwin.

Too soon?

I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

I don’t often tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

What can Jello do that you can't?

Come in 22 delicious flavors

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

Why don’t BMW owners use their turn signals?

They’re too stubborn to pay the monthly subscription fee!

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…

“School” I tell them.

How does a redditor get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

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Strippers don’t have any air conditioners in their homes

OnlyFans

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

What’s purple and doesn’t fit anymore?

A dead epileptic

Soviet joke: A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

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My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his Confederate flag.

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

My wife says if I don’t stop making puns about Russia, she’s going to hit me.

If that’s the way it’s going to be, then Soviet.

They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family

It’s that no one runs in your family.

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I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group

So I just came in my pants.

I just found out that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t like random strangers showing up at their door.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.

But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.

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Don’t eat it!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “**Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes**. ”The little girl screamed to her brother, “**Don’...

I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”

Too many Maine characters.

My friend was shocked when I told him I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means.

I said “Relax. It’s not the end of the world.”

‌‌I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome...

Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton”, w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”

“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He’s a small arms dealer.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

I can’t believe I just got sacked from the keyboard factory

They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

I don’t usually brag about going to expensive places

But I just left the gas station.

I don’t want to sound racist…

..But everyone in the KKK look the same to me.

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

What has 5 fingers, but isn’t your hand?

My hand.

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

Last month a girl broke up with me because I couldn’t get erect.

She recently sent me a message to apologise for the way she went about it. I said ‘It’s all good, no hard feelings.’

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

My wife said, “The Last of Us is a strange show, don’t you agree?”

Me: Yeah, but I’ve seen Stranger Things on Netflix.

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s onl...

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t blind people Skydive?

It scares the shit out of the guide dog

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.

I don’t see what the big deal about Black Friday is.

All Fridays matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A driver slows down for a stop sign but he doesn’t actually stop

A cop sees him and pulls him over. The driver says “is there a problem, officer?” The cop said “you just ran a stop sign back there”. The driver said, “what are you talking about? I slowed down.” The cop replied “but you didn’t actually stop.” The driver said “slow, stop, what’s the diff?” The cop r...

Why didn’t aliens visit our Solar system yet?

Because they saw the reviews and it only had one star.

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up..

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn’t Jesus born in modern day Australia?

Because God wouldn’t be able to find find 3 wise men or a virgin.

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.

Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite?


NaBrO.

I couldn’t get a refund for my BDSM convention ticket

They said their hands were tied.

I said to my wife, “I can’t think of a four letter word that means identical.”

Her: Same.

Me: Maybe we should get a thesaurus?

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

What’s a large grey animal that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

Just saw a guy wearing t-shirt that read "truth+God=life"

Thank god I'm good at math. Truth = life - God

What do you call a lizard that doesn’t work?

A reptile dysfunction

I don’t like the word xenophobia.

It sounds so foreign.

I don’t trust stairs.

They’re always up to something.

What is something that feels british but isn’t?

The contents of the British Museum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that I had a name for my penis

I guess I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

I only drink on days beginning with "T"

Tuesday, Thursday, today and tomorrow

Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.

They come with that Elon Musk.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

My atheist friend failed algebra class because he couldn’t calculate exponents

He doesn’t believe in a higher power.

Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

My coworker just found out she won’t be able to attend next week’s Innuendo Conference…

I guess I’ll have to fill her slot instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think there is a reason I can’t find my girlfriends Clitoris

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

It wasn’t easy for the guy who invented the microphone in the beginning.

He got some really bad feedback.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

I wish I hadn’t downloaded Reddit.

I regreddit.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

The mechanical engineer says:
“It’s a broken starter”

The electrical engineer says:
“Dead battery”

The chemical engineer says:
“Impurities in the gasoline”

The IT engineer says:
“Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we all get out of the car and get back in”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

The Oklahoma D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently.

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don’t like the term anal bleaching...

I prefer changing your ring tone

After my ex died, I couldn’t shower alone for 10 years

But I’m out of prison now

Why can’t T-Rex clap their hands?

Because they’re extinct.

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!

IM LIVID

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I’m already on Stage 4

Why can’t the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?

Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers

T-shirt is actually short for "tyrannosaurus shirt"

Because of the short arms.

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids.

But when I got home they were still there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”

Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?”
Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally swallowed the scrabble tiles for N, O, U, O, T, and Y.

I shit you not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”

Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?

A surname/last name

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

My dad said 'Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't.

So i went in and he was right.





I saw my dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

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