Xi Jokes

He has a Pooh!

Xi: Why are you calling at *this* time?

Kim: I am going to test a nuke.

Xi: Okay, when are you going to do this?

Kim: 10.

Xi: 10 what? In 10 months? 10 weeks? 10 days?

Kim: 9.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

Winnie the Putin

They did that in order to not insult the leader of West Taiwan.

Xi wagers that in 100 years time China would be the dominant superpower, while Biden is confident that the USA will remain uncontested.

So after their terms ended and they reached the end of their mortal coil, they were cryogenically preserved in Switzerland and woken up in 100 years.

... read more

Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.

The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."

Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer."

Xi: Let me ask y... read more

“Hey, hey guys? I have the best ties, the best, long, beautiful, red, nobody has ties like me, but I can’t seem to find my tie, my favourite - and not just my favourite, but many people tell me it is their favourite too, many people, in fact, someone called me up a few days ago crying, actually cry... read more

God told them: “Go and tell your people that in two weeks, the world will end.”

Biden went back to US and said: “I have two pieces of news. One is good, and the other is bad. The good news is that God exists. The bad news is that in two weeks, the world will end”.

Xi w... read more

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday... read more

He was highest in the Peking order.

An elimination diet

"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".

The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
... read more

Mehmed II the Conqueror: Hold my Kebab

But I've seen Stranger Things.

After many many year later...

The husband was watching the news and saw an article about Xi Jinping.

He was very very shocked and said to his wife: 'Hey, do you remember that Chinese guy who used to be at our house?'

The wife said: 'Of course I remember, why are you asking?'
... read more

They both will do anything for ~~m~~honey.

Kimchi

So they can get free coal in their stocking.

Internet: Knock Knock

Xi Jinping: whose there?

Internet: Europe

Xi Jinping: Europe who?

Internet: No, you're a Pooh.

"I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Olaf Scholz to congratulate him on his birthday and he tells me he had it yesterday. - I wish President Xi Jinping a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."

"In... read more

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

It was very short and Trump thought it was obviously some sort of a code that simply read: “370HSSV-0773H”

He smiled, winked at Xi Jinping and pretended he knew what it said.

Later he asked his aids who couldn’t figure it out. He called the head of the FBI and CIA and none could figur... read more

Just because you Genghis Khan, doesn't mean you Genghis should.

Sent an email to Xi Jinping.

Xi Jinping opened the email and clicked on the attachment.

It was malware and the Party's computer system crashed.

Xi Jinping got on the phone and angrily demanded an answer from His Holiness.

"With attachment, comes suffering", said the Dalai... read more

This joke has been flagged for violations of our *new* content policy, specifically our policy against inappropriate speech.

They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”

[Removed]

[This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]

An entrepreneur was looking to do business overseas. He asked his assistant "Who is the president of China?"

His assistant replied, "No, Xi is the president of China."

"Who's she?"

No boss, "Hu is Hu, Xi is Xi"

In a CCP high profile officials meeting.

Xi: let’s vote on the announcement why Foreign Minister Qin Gang suddenly disappeared. Those who don’t agree with the announcement that Qin committed suicide, please hands up.

After counting the votes.

Xi: Qin, put your hand down.

When he gets there, an angel asks him if he's Pope Innocent XI. He replies:

"I'm not. That. Innocent!"

Donald Trump says to Xi Jinping, "I'm gonna build a wall, it's going to be the best wall, Jinping, you've got a wall, I'm going to build it better than yours."

Xi replies, "It took thousands of Chinese workers a very long time to build the Great Wall. Are you sure your country is ready for th... read more

The amount Xi has been drinking.

Malcolm XI

Because that's what Xi said.

It’s a lot of He said Xi said.

x̄ = ( Σ xi ) / n

At least, that's what Xi said...

They kept having issues with Xi Jin’s ping.

**China has never ‘oppressed’ another country and never will, Xi says**

Lebron James is invited to a fishing trip by the Chinese president Xi Jinping and Putin. He is told that he can bring along another person. So he decides to bring along his high school headmaster. While they’re fishing, Xi Jingping gets bored so he grabs his lunch box and throws it in the water. Put... read more

Xi blinded me with science.

Into a case of he said, Xi said.

President Obama has a meeting with Xi Jinping to discuss the debt the US owes to China. He arrives at the Chinese presidential mansion with Joe Biden, but they find there is work going on in the garden and lots of mud everywhere. So they have to roll up their trouser legs and step carefully to enter... read more

There was a prophet in France during the reign of king Louis XI who predicted the death of one of his advisors eight days before the advisor died.

The king decided that the prophet was too dangerous to be left alive and called on his royal guard

"Grab this prophet and bring him to me."... read more

Some of my favorite jokes are ones where the set-up sounds like it's going to be offensive, but the punch line takes it back to clean town. My top 3 examples:

I like my email passwords like I like my ladies... Same one for the last 10 years.

If it wasn't for the Arabs, we'd have never ... read more

Xi sells C shells by the seashore.

But you can't criticize Xi.

In honor of our single biggest patron, China, we hereby announce a rebranding - from W.H.O. to XiDC

Before we sign off the old name, we’ll use it one last time to show our compassion —

Your well-being, WHO cares.

Kim-Xi