UPJOKE
greek alphabeteleven11cardinalxiiixiixvviiviviiivixxviiiiii

President Xi doesnt take a dump..

He has a Pooh!

Kim Jung Un called Xi Jinping at 3:30 in the morning.

Xi: Why are you calling at *this* time?

Kim: I am going to test a nuke.

Xi: Okay, when are you going to do this?

Kim: 10.

Xi: 10 what? In 10 months? 10 weeks? 10 days?

Kim: 9.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

Xi and the Chinese Farmer

Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.

The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."

Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?" Farmer: "I'm a farmer."

Xi: Let me ask y...

Naming the COVID-19 variants, the WHO skipped the greek letter 'xi'.

They did that in order to not insult the leader of West Taiwan.

The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God

"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".

The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".
...

Fact: Xi Jinping once slept in a house in Iowa

After many many year later...

The husband was watching the news and saw an article about Xi Jinping.

He was very very shocked and said to his wife: 'Hey, do you remember that Chinese guy who used to be at our house?'

The wife said: 'Of course I remember, why are you asking?'
...

What is Xi Jinping's favourite way to lose unwanted weight?

An elimination diet

Why has Xi Jinping and the CCP been extra bad this year?

So they can get free coal in their stocking.

How was president Xi elected?

He was highest in the Peking order.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man yelled on the GreatWall of China, "Xi the pooh has a tiny penis"

He was caught by the police in a minute.

He was then notified that all of his family members are held up by the police. In the same evening, he was brought to the court.

The judge: You committed a very serious crime, you need not talk, you are now sentenced to death, so are you...

I heard Xi Jingping is going to publish his own little red book of quotes like Mao....

It's going to be called "That's what Xi Said".

Chineese president Xi Jinping passed a private note to Donald Trump at their last meeting.

It was very short and Trump thought it was obviously some sort of a code that simply read: “370HSSV-0773H”

He smiled, winked at Xi Jinping and pretended he knew what it said.

Later he asked his aids who couldn’t figure it out. He called the head of the FBI and CIA and none could figur...

Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

Say what you like about China...

[This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]

Years ago, Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo died in custody under Xi Jinping, who denied any connection to the incident.

They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground?

Doesn't matter.

Constantine XI : Ships can't walk on lands

Mehmed II the Conqueror: Hold my Kebab

What is the celebrity couple name for Kim Jong Un and Xi Jinping?

Kimchi

Fake out clean jokes

Some of my favorite jokes are ones where the set-up sounds like it's going to be offensive, but the punch line takes it back to clean town. My top 3 examples:

I like my email passwords like I like my ladies... Same one for the last 10 years.

If it wasn't for the Arabs, we'd have never ...

Russia made me do it…

That’s what Xi said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on PornHub the other day and there was an ad that read: 'free asian asshole pics'.

When I clicked on it it was just a picture of Xi Jinping.

Granting Xi Jinping’s wishes

Xi Jinping has always wanted to be emperor.

After this Crowning Achievement of his, I guess that’s ONE way to finally get coronated.

Did you hear the one about Xi Jinping?

This joke has been flagged for violations of our *new* content policy, specifically our policy against inappropriate speech.

What did Genghis Khan's mother tell him after he destroyed Xi Xia?

Just because you Genghis Khan, doesn't mean you Genghis should.

His holiness the Dalai Lama

Sent an email to Xi Jinping.

Xi Jinping opened the email and clicked on the attachment.

It was malware and the Party's computer system crashed.

Xi Jinping got on the phone and angrily demanded an answer from His Holiness.

"With attachment, comes suffering", said the Dalai...

The US and Chinese virtual summit got off to a rocky start today.

They kept having issues with Xi Jin’s ping.

Did you hear about the new show about Xi Jinping, Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin? It's called

[Removed]

A prophet in france

There was a prophet in France during the reign of king Louis XI who predicted the death of one of his advisors eight days before the advisor died.

The king decided that the prophet was too dangerous to be left alive and called on his royal guard

"Grab this prophet and bring him to me."...

Whats the difference between a nuclear-ravaged wasteland and Hong Kong?

The amount Xi has been drinking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

China’s lack of transparency on virus is fuelling rumors: US experts

It’s basically all this he said Xi said bullshit.

How do know when your joke is mean?

x̄ = ( Σ xi ) / n

The heads of state of the US and China sit down to a meeting.

Donald Trump says to Xi Jinping, "I'm gonna build a wall, it's going to be the best wall, Jinping, you've got a wall, I'm going to build it better than yours."

Xi replies, "It took thousands of Chinese workers a very long time to build the Great Wall. Are you sure your country is ready for th...

Trump, Putin, Xi Jinping, and Prince Muhammad Bin Salman are all on AF-1.

Trump- You know, I could throw a billion dollars out the window and many would like it.


Putin- I could throw a nation's wealth out the window and millions would like it.


Xi- I could throw America's wealth out the window and billions would like it.


MBS- I could throw ...

I wanted to run for president of China, but apparently I'm not allowed to.

At least, that's what Xi said...

Communist Party centenary live:

**China has never ‘oppressed’ another country and never will, Xi says**

Who is the president of china?

An entrepreneur was looking to do business overseas. He asked his assistant "Who is the president of China?"

His assistant replied, "No, Xi is the president of China."

"Who's she?"

No boss, "Hu is Hu, Xi is Xi"

What did the head of WHO say when he was asked, "How did China's president convince you Coronavirus is under control?"

Xi blinded me with science.

Why does everyone think China's first lady is so naughty?

Because that's what Xi said.

There’s a lot of blaming and accusations going on concerning the Trump/China trade talks. Basically . . .

It’s a lot of He said Xi said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

In China, you can criticise every Roman numeral from I to X.

But you can't criticize Xi.

The trade war between the U.S. and China is really devolving

Into a case of he said, Xi said.

What did the leaders of China and N. Korea order for lunch at their meeting

Kim-Xi

A competition was held to determine the country with the best police force in the world

The finalists were U.S., China and Russia, and each were represented by a five-man team.

On the day of the competition, the three teams gathered outside Tongass National Forest in Alaska, alongside a few thousand cheering fans. U.N. Secretary General António Guterres opened the envelope conta...

President Obama has a meeting with the President of China to discuss debt...

President Obama has a meeting with Xi Jinping to discuss the debt the US owes to China. He arrives at the Chinese presidential mansion with Joe Biden, but they find there is work going on in the garden and lots of mud everywhere. So they have to roll up their trouser legs and step carefully to enter...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.