Traffic Cop Jokes - 33 Hilarious Traffic Cop Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy driving along gets pulled over by a traffic cop for going 1 mph over the limit

The guy steps out of his car and the cop asks in a sarcastic tone why he his so important to be driving that fast.
The guy replies carefully that he is on his way to his next job. "Oh yeah " the cop replies " and what is that President?"
"No" the guy replies "I'm a rectum stretcher"
"O...

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde vs Traffic cop who will win?

Traffic cop stops a blonde that sped by him. He asked her for her license, and she replied by asking: "What is a license?" He explained that a license is a square thing with your face of it. The blone ruffles around in her purse for a while, pulls out a small mirror and gives it to the traffic cop. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:

A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:
“Name please.”
“Erm, it’s Johnny Wankenbrake.”
“Wanking-Break?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, Address?”
“Well, my address is my work: Filthy Fingers Films on the Industrial Estate.”
“Right, look buddy, I’m not putting that in a report, take it easy - ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is stopped by a traffic cop...

'Did you know you were three miles over the speed limit, sir? The officer asks.

The man begins to explain 'I'm really sorry officer I'm late for my arsehole stretching appointment'

Seeing the perplexed look on the officers face he continues, 'what they do is, put one finger in and work...

A traffic cop and some penguins

So a traffic cop is sitting in his car on the side of the road. The cars go past, nobody is speeding. However, as police officer is watching, a car with a dozen penguins drives past. The cop pulls the man over and says, "Sir! Why do you have all these penguins in your car?" The man shrugs and says. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traffic cop stops a man for speeding

Policeman: "Can I see your driver's license?".

Man: "I don't have it, they suspended it for speeding."

Policeman: "Can you show me the registration document of the car?".

Man: "It's not mine, I stole it".

Policeman: "You stole this car?".

Man: “Exactly. But wait a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.

"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.

Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign abo...

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuns, Groceries, and Traffic Cops: (Religion) (NSFW)

There was once a young Nun in training. As she was new to her convent, her job was to do the grocery shopping every week.
One week, she asks to be excused from this duty, as she ends up being stopped by the police every time and it's getting on her nerves.
"Are you speeding? Staying in the rig...

A traffic cop in India

Somewhere in the south of India a traffic cop was wasting away his day. His stretch of the road has been empty for hours, so he hasn't pulled anyone over, wrote no tickets, and hasn't taken any bribes. Hungry and angry he decided to pack up for the day, when he saw an old man riding a donkey in the ...

What's a traffic cop's favorite kind of sweater?

A pull over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

A traffic cop pulled over a driver in who had been weaving erratically along the highway

Approaching the car, he said: ‘Sir, i need you to blow into a breathalyser.’
‘Sorry officer,’ he replied. ‘I can’t do that. I’m an asthmatic. If i do that, I’ll have a rally bad asthma attack.’
‘Well, then i need you to come to the station to give me a blood sample.’
‘I can’t do ...

A motorist was pulled over by a traffic cop.

"Excuse me, sir," said the cop. "Do you realize your wife fell out of the car two miles back?"

"Thank God," he said. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?

Ivana Pulyova

The drunk driver

The traffic cop has parked outside the bar and is looking for drunk drivers.
At closing time he spots one who leaves the bar, staggers a few times, and walks to his car.
He searches for his keys for five minutes, finds them, and searches for another five minutes to find the keyhole. Meanwh...

Bad pun #3

I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop but when I got home all the signs were there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Secret code"

This joke is set in India where the traffic rules are just as lax as the traffic cops.

One day, while riding to work on his bike, John realized he had forgotten his helmet.
He knew the cops would catch him when they saw this and that he'd have to bribe his way out of a heavy fine.

S...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

Five Dutchmen crammed in an old Renault 4, are driving through Belgium when they get pulled over ...

Five Dutchmen are crammed in an old Renault 4 and driving through Belgium when they get pulled over by a traffic cop.

“Good morning, I guess you know why I pulled you guys over, don’t you?”

“Well officer, I actually don’t. We couldn’t have been speeding, this car won’t even make the s...

Traffic Police stopped the priest due to over speeding

Traffic Police stopped the priest due to over speeding.

Smelling alcohol on the good father's breath and noticing a wine bottle on the passenger's seat, the police asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

The priest replies, "Just water."

"Then, why do I smell wine?" the traffic cop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a recent medical study, masturbation helps to ease congestion.

The traffic cops on my afternoon commute did not agree, however.

Chic and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five are plotting to destroy the world, and so former arch-enemies the Village People and the Beastie Boys put aside their differences to stop them

The slaughter is brutal and extremely exciting to watch, but finally, it ends in a showdown: Nile Rogers and Grandmaster Flash, laughing as they square up to the last surviving Beastie Boy and the last surviving Village Person.

He straightens his hard hat, draws his sword and charges at Nile ...

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.

"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus...

Paddy in New York

Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.

The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man named Jerry goes to his Conspiracy club

Jerry says he did research on 9/11.

Ernie asks what he found out.

Terry thought it was really jews.

For years people have searched for answers

Until now Jerry found out.

Ernie became impatient with Jerry.

Larry walked into the club, late from traffic.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The truckload of penguins

A traffic cop is parked up by the side of the road, watching traffic pass. To his surprise, a flatbed truck crawls by, and the back is filled to the brim with penguins. Unsurprisingly, he wanders what the heck is going on, and immediately pulls out, tailing the truck.

He signals for the drive...

A police stops a speeding man.

Reminds me of a classic joke:
A traffic cop pulls over a man on the highway. He asks for his License.
"I haven't got one, what with my constant drunk driving arrests."
The cop is somewhat taken back, but proceeds to ask for registration.
"It's in the glove box next to the gun."
"You h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.