The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”

the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”

I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago....

...since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...

He's a small arms dealer

What is a similarity between a gun and a bag of chips

When I pull it out at school everyone wants to be your friend

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

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A guy with a Gun enters a bar

“Who the hell had sex with my wife?” He snarled

A voice was heard in the background, “You don’t have enough bullets mate!”

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Chocolate is like guns

if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. She comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself

The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

I don’t know who Chekhov is and why his gun is here....

but it’s here for a reason....

A soldier got injured in a gun fight...

... and kept screaming "medic". The other soldiers took him to the medical tent but he kept screaming "medic". The medic finally arrived and asked him what was wrong and the soldier kept saying "medic". After a few minutes of inspecting the soldier below the waist, he realized that the soldier wasn'...

A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller

Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!

Teller: Don’t you mean History?

Robber: Don’t change the subject!

Be wary of a Florida senior with a gun.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. Th...

I tried to test my new gun at the range, but it wouldn’t work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

I fired my gun westward

It was an occidental discharge

If you go to the garden of Eden and kill Adam with a gun...

...are you a first person shooter?

I had an important essay on the relation between Occam's razor, Red Herrings and Chekhov's gun...

...my teacher wasn't happy it was late and I just wrote "Will keep this simple, avoid obvious distractions and later it will be done."

I always keep a loaded gun on my nightstand in the event of an intruder...

... so I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.

What do you call a gun after you shoot it?

A shotgun

I got a gun for Christmas but I can’t fire it

I suppose I should check the “Trouble Shooting?” guide

I asked my friend about her thoughts on guns

She said, that's a loaded question.

My wife asked me why I had bought a gun.

I said: Decepticons!

My wife laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time!

3D printers are now printing guns...

That’s nothing though. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Brazil has half the number of guns in comparison to the USA but twice the number of deaths by gunshot, you know what that means?

That Brazilians have a great aim.

What's a pirate's favourite gun?

An ARRR-15!

 

^^^I'll ^^^show ^^^myself ^^^out...

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A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!"

"Open that cup of semen."

The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face.

He yells, "Do it!"

Shivering in fear she grabs the co...

My friend got arrested for today just for drawing his gun in a bank

Admittedly he isn't a the best artist, but I still feel like this is overkill.

A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

With any other gun, its "suppressing fire" but with a MP 40 its...

Oppressing fire.

Some guy was doing a crossword with his wife...

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

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The Duck Hunter

A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by.

After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck.

"Hey that's my duck!"...

Lazy government union employee is like a broken gun....

If it doesn't work, you can't fire it.

A man squirts his girlfriend with a squirting gun

A man squirts water on his girlfriend’s skirt with a squirting gun.

His girlfriend starts laughing hysterically, and the man asks why.

“Well you see, you finally got me wet!”

Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?

To kill some time

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

What is Tesla's favorite gun?

A musket

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A rookie hunter walks into a gun shop and asks the owner about the optimal modification for his pistol to better deal with brown bears.

With little hesitation the owner says to file down the front sights.

Intrigued the rookie asks how such a simple modification will help. The owner replies, "Well... It will hurt less when the bear shoves it up your ass."

Octopus : [holding a gun in each hand]

Cat : You're one short buddy

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So a drug dealer is being raided..

The police storm in, securing all the rooms in the house. One kicks open the bathroom door and catches a guy standing next to the toilet with a baggie full of cocaine.

"Freeze, asshole!" The cop shouts, aiming his gun at the guy.

"Ok, ok. You got me" the guy says, "but you need to li...

Guns don’t kill people...

Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin' Terry.

Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?

Cause groups of fish are called schools

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

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BECOMING AMERICAN

Two Saudi brothers come to America and one buys a house on the west coast and the other on the east coast. They are so excited about being Americans and during their goodbyes they make a $10,000 bet: in two months they will meet again and the one that is the most American wins.

Two months pas...

What do you call a problematic person with a gun?

A troubleshooter.

Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes

That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here ...

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This guy looked really scared when I pulled the gun out.

He looked at me as it to say, "What was that doing up your arsehole?"

What do you call babies with guns?

Infantry

A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

If you haven't bought a gun yet, you should get one

Because you'll never know when you'll be in a dark alley, and you're gonna need some money.

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Three explorers: one from England, one from France, and one from New York went into the jungle...

One day on their journey a group of native tribesmen found and captured them. After being taken to the camp of these natives, the explorers were brought to the chief of the tribe.

He told the explorers. "For trespassing on land sacred to our people, you are to be killed and your skins turned...

I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW

Bear joke my co-worker told me

So a man and his three friends are sitting in a bar, one of them says to the others

“im the greatest bear hunter there ever was”

2 of the 3 friends disagree and say

“no way i am”

an argument breaks out until the 4th man who said nothing pipes up and says

“i ha...

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a Woman was pregnant with triplets...

A woman pregnant with triplets walked into a bank, and then a robber pulled out a gun, and started to shoot the people inside to control the crowd. the woman got hit 3 times and she was moved to the hospital really quickly after the event had been cleared.

The ultrasound check confirmed that...

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A woman and her artist husband have been having sex daily for about a month.

It's a little unusual, but the husband doesn't complain at all. "Honey?" his wife asks one day. "Can you draw a picture for me?"

"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.

"I want to see what you think our baby will look like."

The husband stares at her for a few moments, the...

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shou...

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter wha...

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way,...

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

A Father and his son were hunting

The Son fired the gun and yelled
"DAD I GOT SOMETHING! Dad? Dad!?"

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Mary walks into her church weeping and goes to the Priest and bawls "Father. My husband has died"...

The priest says "Oh Mary, I'm so sorry for your loss. I knew Peter, he was a good man. Did he have any last wishes before he died?"

Mary said "Yes Father. He said 'Mary can you please put down the fucking gun'"

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A man with a gun bursts into a bar

He shouts "which one of you fuckers slept with my wife"

A voice from the back calls back "you haven't got enough bullets mate"

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

Nine married Ten and Ten got pregnant...

Six and Eight congratuled the couple for the great news and they all celebrated the happy occasion.



Seven however was not happy about this, it wanted Nine for itself and decided to kill Ten.




Weeks later, as Ten and Nine were discussing a name for the baby, Seven see...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”



The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

What would a gun type if they're disappointed?

SMG

A man walks into a gun store

He walks up to the clerk and asks him to see the biggest gun they have.

"Well what are you shooting?" The clerk asked

"Cans"

"What the hell kind of cans are you shooting?"

"All sorts of cans! Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans!"

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun...

Is a good guy with a video game!

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident...

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for a...

I think my gf only likes me for the material stuff i own

Like if i didn't have a gun i doubt she would even look at me

"So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me?"

"Both,now get in the van."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert

They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese.

"Fuck, I missed!"

"Do not use that word, child, for God will smite you"

They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing.

"Fuck, I mis...

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Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their co...

the seven statues.

a wife was cheating on her husband. one day he says he was going out to a business trip. she invites her secret boyfriend. the boyfriend goes in and the sit there with the wife for a while and unexpectedly the husband came back because he forgot his passport. she said "QUICK, stand next to the seven...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

Guns don't kill people....

George R.R. Martin kills people.

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

Why don’t developers carry guns?

They have troubleshooting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

bear on cabin

so a man wakes up and goes out to his porch, he freaks out because his sees a bear sitting on top of his cabin. he goes inside and calls animal control. a little while passes and van shows up. Out steps a man and an mean old looking pitbull. the man point out the bear to the animal control guy and h...

Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?

Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.

An old Mob boss is on his deathbed.

He requests to see his 24 year old Grandson. He tells him, "Here grandson I want you to have this gun so you can remember me." The grandson not impressed says, "I don't care much for your gun although I love your beautiful Rolex watch grandpa."

Mob boss responds, "No child you need to listen....

War veteran had enough.

An amputee war veteran had enough of the poor support he was getting and decided to rob a store. Despite him bringing guns to the robbery, the police still decided to categorize the crime under "Armless Robbery".

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

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Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

My nerf gun bullet reminds me of my father

Both disappeared after I've played with them

A functional gun shoots

While a broke one needs troubleshooting

My friend went to prison for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.

Superman grandpa

On the first day of school the teacher asks the children to go home and ask for a family history story that has a morale in it. So one child comes to school the next day and tells the teacher this: you see, my grandpa was a bomber pilot. His plane was shot and he had to bail out. On his body was an ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teacher asks the class what is the “moral of the story”.... (Long Joke.)

Teacher asked the class what is the moral of the story? A kid raises his hand and says his dad was a Vietnam jet fighter pilot and had to parachute out on the way down he drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniels.
Landed picked up a gun killed 5 enemies. Picked up a knife killed 3 more and with his ...

I pointed my gun at the sky and asked my girl to make a wish?

Coz I was shooting star.

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