The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got ne...

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”

​

The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He’s a small arms dealer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”

A man sitting in the corner replies,

“You won’t have enough bullets”

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. I said decepticons.

She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster. It was a good time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin

**The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you wil...

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns...

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

Husband doing crossword with wife..

Husband : emphatic no, five letters
 

Wife : never

H : pistol, three letters
 

W : gun

H : disgust, three letters
 

W : ugh

H : charity, four letters
 

W : give

H : female sheep, three letters...

In America, what do you call someone who barges into your house with a gun demanding you hand over your stuff?

A police officer.

What do you call babies with guns?

Infantry

Why aren't there any guns in Harry Potter?

Because Hogwarts is in England not America.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A robber tried to rob a bank with a gun

When he got inside he shot a few blanks in the air and shouted "Everyone get on the ground!"

And everyone did, except for one pregnant lady who was too slow.

Bang! Bang! Bang!
The shots rang through the air as the woman was shot thrice in the stomach

The woman was later taken...

I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder

so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people

What’s the difference between a gun and a whiny liberal?

A gun only has one trigger

"so is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me ?"

"Both , now get inside the van !! "

Looks like Disney isn't sticking to their guns

But they will be sticking with their Gunn

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique gun collection.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way,...

In the late 1940s a group of physicists got their hands on a battleship gun barrel to use for their experiments.

So they modified and used the barrel as a particle accelerator.

But the problem was that the actual machines they used for the experiment was on one end of of the barrel or the other. So it was very difficult for them to adjust parts of the experiment.

So what they did is that they wo...

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

A weasel walks into a gas station with a ski mask and a gun, demanding that the cashier puts everything in a bag for him. The cashier says “wow! A weasel!! I’ve never seen one in real life before!”

*pop goes the weasel

What's a flat-earther's least favorite gun?

A revolver.

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!"
Cashier (puzzled): "Did you mean to say "or you're HISTORY?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

Once arrested a guy with a gun made of gelatin

Charged him with carrying a congealed weapon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sister is taking my nephews to the gun range to teach them about gun safety.

They’re not looking forward to sex ed.

What is Guy Fieri's favorite gun?

A salt rifle

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a bar with a gun and snarls "who had sex with my husband!?"

In the back a lone nun raises their hand.

"My husband had sex with a nun!?!" the woman exclaims.

The nun replies, "Actually I'm just a bus driver."

Back in the 80's, Brian was walking in Belfast when he was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun

The masked man asked "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"?

Brian replied "Neither, I'm an Atheist"

The masked man was silent for a moment, then finally said:

"Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist"?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

When i got my gun license, first thing i did was cut off a bear’s front legs. No legal action was taken

Because i had the right to bear arms

What do Germans call a confession you give with a gun to your head?

A Glock and spiel

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

What do you say to a bloodied man who walks into a bar with knives, guns, and a recently used machete?

Nothing. Not a damn thing.

After listening to Guns N' Roses, I want to become a pediatrician.

I figure all I need is little patients.

I Just Got A Gun For My Wife

Best trade I ever made!

^^^^^^Git-R-Done!

I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty

Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth

The Hired Gun

A gun walks into a job interview. It all goes well but the interviewer is confused as to why a gun is applying for a job so he asks why the gun is looking for work. It replies, "oh I was fired recently."

What sound does a gun make in church?

Pew pew pew

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:

-Which one of you fucked my wife??!!
Some guy in the crowd says:
- you should bring more bullets

I got a new iPhone, some weed and $2000 just today.

It’s like this gun is magic

My friend was in an old movie about guns

It is now a Colt Classic

What do you call a gun that shoots only plants?

A vegun

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
-

Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

I like shooting guns and drinking whiskey.

But I'm all out of shots.

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

I went to a gun range. I saw a man shooting a gun every 15 minutes.

I go over to the man shooting and see he has shot the same precise hole every time.

I see it's Todd Howard, I ask him how he does it.
He says, "It's easy, just do the same thing every time."

Visit to local gun shop

So I went to stay in the US and started getting used to the American way of life...
.
.

After a few months of staying there, I thought I should have a personal handgun as well.
.
.

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon. 
.
.
.

So, today I wen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"Open...

A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.

The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.

Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?

Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.

Angry guy : What's so funny?!?

Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !

My platoon recieved an air drop that was supposed to contain MREs but there must have been a mix up because all we got were ammo and guns.

It was irrational.

What kind of guns do you find at the flea market/swap meet?

Bar-guns

What does a furry say when having a gun pointed at them?

ONO

Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?

It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from

Why did the crow buy a gun ?

to aid a murder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guns are like penises.

Their owners are more proud of them than they should be, size is usually concern over functionality, and it's generally a bad idea to wave them out in public, especially if there are children.

A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!"

A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."

The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret.

It tanked.

How you make samurai run away?

You sho gun

Victim: Then the robber walked through the door holding a gun!

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Victim: No, a normal door. He just pushed through it.

(Q).... What do the top r/funny posts & gun ownership have in common?

(A).... Americans get it.....the rest of us *don't*.

Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm pistol and I go to pay for the gun and the cashier stops me and says strip down facing me


Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed


When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how...

I bought a gun to protect my 4 Children

but i sold it a year later to protect my 3 children

I got caught smuggling a gun to the furry convention

Security guard : *(notices bulge)* OwO what's this?!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes.

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO FUCKED MY WIFE?". The entire bar falls silent until a guy in the back yells "You didn't brin..." just to be cut off by the angry guy who yells back "THIS HAS BEEN REPOSTED SO MAN...

Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

But I'd rather take my chances against someone with a spoon.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

If you believe every citizen should own a gun raise your hand,

and if you don't, raise both hands and give me your wallet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
...

My Friend and I were exploring the Appalachia on Fallout 76

Well, that was until I shot him in the head with my pistol.

Now, to be fair, I did have an airtight alibi for this.

I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded.

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*

My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is speeding and he sees a cop on the overpass above him pointing a radar gun

He knows he's caught, and sure enough, a few moments later Smokey is behind him with lights flashing. He pulls over and the cop asks for his papers and whether he has been drinking.

The guy says, "No, I haven't been drinking. Just heading home after work."

"What type of work do you do...

A soldier was in an army training exercise but they ran out of guns

The soldier said to the guy handing out the paint ball guns “what am I going to do without a gun?” The man replied
“Just point at people and and say bang bang bang”
Without any other options he entered the battlefield.

The enemy rushed his trench and it seemed like all was lost, then h...

They say guns dont kill people, people kill people.

does that mean toasters dont toast toast, toast toast toast?

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

“Hands up, this is a robbery!” He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; “Hey, shouldn’t you be robbing a blood bank?”

The vampire turns to them and grins.
“No, see, I’m cursed.” He explain...

Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"

The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."

I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.

I would never armadillo.

I just accidentally shot my wife in the hand with a nail gun...

Well, that's what she gets for covering her eyes.