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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun...

Is a good guy with a video game!

Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?

Cause groups of fish are called schools

My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house.

I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.

A man walks into a gun store

He walks up to the clerk and asks him to see the biggest gun they have.

"Well what are you shooting?" The clerk asked

"Cans"

"What the hell kind of cans are you shooting?"

"All sorts of cans! Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans!"

My nerf gun bullet reminds me of my father

Both disappeared after I've played with them

China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?

One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.

What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?

Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.

Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]

Cat: you're one short pal

I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He’s a small arms dealer.

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin' Terry.

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A man with a gun bursts into a bar

He shouts "which one of you fuckers slept with my wife"

A voice from the back calls back "you haven't got enough bullets mate"

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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a Bank.

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got " the man said.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a __sperm__ bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"...

Guns don't kill people....

George R.R. Martin kills people.

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got ne...

A mugger points a gun at a man

Mugger: Give me all your money!!
Man: Wait I’m a U.S Congress man!!!
Mugger: Oh, umm in that case give me my money

What caliber is Chekhov's gun?

Catch-22

What's Jesus's least favorite gun?

A nail gun

Sorry Christians, please don't get that cross with me

I once tricked a cop by pointing my water gun at him.

\- Sent from ADX Florence

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”



The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way,...

I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work....

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual!

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A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales. The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him. So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales.

The man says, “Let me tell you a story…. One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, ‘Get off your horse.’

Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse. Then he says,...

What is the rarest gun in a battle royale game

The gun you want.

What gun does a military chef use?

A salt rifle

What do you call a gun owner trying to intervene in an active shooter situation?

Two active shooter situations

What kind of gun would a cat have?

A Mauser.

What do you call babies with guns?

Infantry

NSFW - A masked man bursts into a sperm bank with a gun...

He runs up to the woman working the front desk and screams, "OPEN THE VAULT!"

The woman is frightened and confused, "Sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"OPEN IT!", he yells while waving the gun.

She complies and opens the vault.

"Now take out a sample and drink it!", he demands....

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The Brit, the Frenchman, the Gangster and the Tribals

One day, a trio of adventurers are making their way through the Amazon. The group consists of a die-hard Brit, a die-hard Frenchman and a recent addition to the team, a gangster from downtown Chicago. Eventually, the party is caught by a group of tribals and put in a cage. The chief of the tribals a...

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

Lambo.

My wife caught me in the kitchen with a gun

"What are you doing waving a gun around?" she asked
"Hunting Decepticons - they can be hiding anywhere!" I replied.
She started laughing, I started laughing, and then the toaster laughed so I shot it.

Why aren't there any guns in Harry Potter?

Because Hogwarts is in England not America.

Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson

Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson to his bed, "Billy, I leave for you my chrome-plated .38 revolver."

"But Grandpa, I don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?"

"Billy, listen to your old man. Someday you have to run my business. Someday you're gonn...

What do you call a bike with a codebreaking dog on it, holding a gun?

A fetch-decode-execute cycle.

The police found a gun in my car...

I'm really worried. That means 3 others are missing.

How does a Catholic gun sound when used to shoot?

Pew pew!

I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder

so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people

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They called my dick "The Gun"

12 mm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

In America, what do you call someone who barges into your house with a gun demanding you hand over your stuff?

A police officer.

Husband doing crossword with wife..

Husband : emphatic no, five letters
 

Wife : never

H : pistol, three letters
 

W : gun

H : disgust, three letters
 

W : ugh

H : charity, four letters
 

W : give

H : female sheep, three letters...

One day TV is broadcasting about a gun shot in campus and the experts analyze that it is linked to the murder's massive time in playing violence video game.

Mum: No sense, my son is always playing dating sims and he still unable to find a girlfriend.

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

A Russian enters a bar full of English people

A Russian enters a bar full of English people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "English got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the English oppose him and say "Hey, you know what you're wearing is insulting?"

The Russian responds: "This is your first problem: You'...

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A robber tried to rob a bank with a gun

When he got inside he shot a few blanks in the air and shouted "Everyone get on the ground!"

And everyone did, except for one pregnant lady who was too slow.

Bang! Bang! Bang!
The shots rang through the air as the woman was shot thrice in the stomach

The woman was later taken...

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
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Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

In the late 1940s a group of physicists got their hands on a battleship gun barrel to use for their experiments.

So they modified and used the barrel as a particle accelerator.

But the problem was that the actual machines they used for the experiment was on one end of of the barrel or the other. So it was very difficult for them to adjust parts of the experiment.

So what they did is that they wo...

Looks like Disney isn't sticking to their guns

But they will be sticking with their Gunn

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique gun collection.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!"
Cashier (puzzled): "Did you mean to say "or you're HISTORY?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room...

Back in the 80's, Brian was walking in Belfast when he was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun

The masked man asked "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"?

Brian replied "Neither, I'm an Atheist"

The masked man was silent for a moment, then finally said:

"Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist"?

I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty

Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth

A weasel walks into a gas station with a ski mask and a gun, demanding that the cashier puts everything in a bag for him. The cashier says “wow! A weasel!! I’ve never seen one in real life before!”

*pop goes the weasel

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A woman walks into a bar with a gun and snarls "who had sex with my husband!?"

In the back a lone nun raises their hand.

"My husband had sex with a nun!?!" the woman exclaims.

The nun replies, "Actually I'm just a bus driver."

"so is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me ?"

"Both , now get inside the van !! "

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

A man returning home a day early...

from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving ...

Once arrested a guy with a gun made of gelatin

Charged him with carrying a congealed weapon

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My sister is taking my nephews to the gun range to teach them about gun safety.

They’re not looking forward to sex ed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:

-Which one of you fucked my wife??!!
Some guy in the crowd says:
- you should bring more bullets

What do you say to a bloodied man who walks into a bar with knives, guns, and a recently used machete?

Nothing. Not a damn thing.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

When i got my gun license, first thing i did was cut off a bear’s front legs. No legal action was taken

Because i had the right to bear arms

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So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

I Just Got A Gun For My Wife

Best trade I ever made!

^^^^^^Git-R-Done!

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