The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy with a Gun enters a bar

“Who the hell had sex with my wife?” He snarled

A voice was heard in the background, “You don’t have enough bullets mate!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

3D printers are now printing guns...

That’s nothing though. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got ne...

My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house.

I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.

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A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!"

"Open that cup of semen."

The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face.

He yells, "Do it!"

Shivering in fear she grabs the co...

I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He’s a small arms dealer.

If you haven't bought a gun yet, you should get one

Because you'll never know when you'll be in a dark alley, and you're gonna need some money.

What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?

PEW PEW

Guns don’t kill people...

Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people

Octopus : [holding a gun in each hand]

Cat : You're one short buddy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy looked really scared when I pulled the gun out.

He looked at me as it to say, "What was that doing up your arsehole?"

What gun doesn't kill things?

A Vegun

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

Why do Americans take a gun while they go fishing ?

Cause groups of fish are called schools

The guns in Star Trek didnt actually shoot lasers...

They were faux-ton guns.

Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes

That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range

What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?

Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.

I tried to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin' Terry.

"So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me?"

"Both,now get in the van."

What would a gun type if they're disappointed?

SMG

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

A man walks into a gun store

He walks up to the clerk and asks him to see the biggest gun they have.

"Well what are you shooting?" The clerk asked

"Cans"

"What the hell kind of cans are you shooting?"

"All sorts of cans! Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans!"

Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor...

I pointed my gun at the sky and asked my girl to make a wish?

Coz I was shooting star.

A functional gun shoots

While a broke one needs troubleshooting

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way,...

Guns don't kill people....

George R.R. Martin kills people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a gun bursts into a bar

He shouts "which one of you fuckers slept with my wife"

A voice from the back calls back "you haven't got enough bullets mate"

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

My nerf gun bullet reminds me of my father

Both disappeared after I've played with them

What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?

One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

What do you call babies with guns?

Infantry

The accident

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, B...

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?

That's a loaded Question

Why don’t developers carry guns?

They have troubleshooting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a Bank.

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got " the man said.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a __sperm__ bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"...

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun...

Is a good guy with a video game!

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”



The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales. The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him. So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales.

The man says, “Let me tell you a story…. One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, ‘Get off your horse.’

Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse. Then he says,...

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. ...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

I once tricked a cop by pointing my water gun at him.

\- Sent from ADX Florence

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what t...

What kind of gun would a cat have?

A Mauser.

What do you call a gun owner trying to intervene in an active shooter situation?

Two active shooter situations

What caliber is Chekhov's gun?

Catch-22

What gun does a military chef use?

A salt rifle

Yesterday i've donated my purse,watch and cellphone to a poor guy.

You Can't imagine the happiness that I felt as i saw him putting his gun back in his pocket

What is the rarest gun in a battle royale game

The gun you want.

Anyone hear about the conspiracy theorist who died and went to heaven?

When he arrived, God stated that He grants all His children one question. The man promptly asked, "Who killed Kennedy?" God replied, "It was Lee Harvey Oswald, on the 6th floor, with his own gun, and he acted alone." The man thought for a moment then disappointingly replied "This goes higher u...

Why aren't there any guns in Harry Potter?

Because Hogwarts is in England not America.

It can happen to anyone.

My brain before going through airport security : **What if i accidentally have a gun?**

What's Jesus's least favorite gun?

A nail gun

Sorry Christians, please don't get that cross with me

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

A panda walks into a cáfe.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.

“Why?” Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.

“I’m a panda,” he says at the door, “look it up.”

The waiter flips to the page about pa...

I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder

so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people

Thank you Alexa

Burglar: *points gun at me* Alright buddy just show me your valuables and nobody gets hurt

Me: Haha sure thing dude - ALEXA CALL THE POLICE

Alexa: “Shuffling songs by The Police”

*Roxanne plays as I get shot 16 times*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Speeding

A state trooper running a speed trap flags a sedan for traveling 75MPH in a 50MPH zone. The trooper immediately flips on his lights and stops the car.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?", the trooper asks the driver as a matter of routine.

"It might be the six kilos of cocaine in the...

Why do T-Rex’s only sell handguns?

Because they’re small arms dealers

The police found a gun in my car...

I'm really worried. That means 3 others are missing.

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

Lambo.

My wife caught me in the kitchen with a gun

"What are you doing waving a gun around?" she asked
"Hunting Decepticons - they can be hiding anywhere!" I replied.
She started laughing, I started laughing, and then the toaster laughed so I shot it.

A dog walks into a bar

As he sits down the bartender comes over “dogs are not welcome here, please leave”. Unperturbed the dog says “gimme a beer”, the bartender pulls a gun out from under the bar, points it at the dog “I’m not warning you again “. The dog simply will not leave so the bartender is forced to shoot the dog ...

NSFW - A masked man bursts into a sperm bank with a gun...

He runs up to the woman working the front desk and screams, "OPEN THE VAULT!"

The woman is frightened and confused, "Sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"OPEN IT!", he yells while waving the gun.

She complies and opens the vault.

"Now take out a sample and drink it!", he demands....

What do you call a bike with a codebreaking dog on it, holding a gun?

A fetch-decode-execute cycle.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence; then a ...

A young man, an Mafia man, and a priest from Texas were talking to God right after they died.

Young Man: God, why did I choke to death while I was eating samples shopping at the grocery store and not while I was old and surrounded by my family?

God: To save you from an impending threat, my child. What would have happened otherwise would have prevented a open casket funeral for your f...

The concept of Batman, however unrealistic, has always intrigued me and made me think.

That’s why I didn’t hesitate to gun down the kid as well.

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
-

Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I...

In America, what do you call someone who barges into your house with a gun demanding you hand over your stuff?

A police officer.

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer walks up to the car and after a quick greeting takes the documentation she has ready for him.
He notices a license to conceal carry a pistol and he asks, “Ma’am do you have a firearm in the vehicle?”
She replies, “Well yes sir, I do.” The officer smiles a little as this lady was no...

SAS

In ww2 the British were Recutting for the SAS that’s managed to cut it down to 3 people. They gave them each a gun and said go and shoot your wife.

The first man said “no I can’t do it” .

The second man went in and came straight back out.

And the third man shouted “FOR KING AND ...

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

One day TV is broadcasting about a gun shot in campus and the experts analyze that it is linked to the murder's massive time in playing violence video game.

Mum: No sense, my son is always playing dating sims and he still unable to find a girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They called my dick "The Gun"

12 mm

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
<...

China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

Seems a guy in Texas makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.

Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her so...

[long] The confession

Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but
I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled
with guilt these past few months and have been trying
to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face,
but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myselfva ...

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