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Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”

A guy in the back replies

You don’t have enough bullets

What do you call babies with guns?

Infantry

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shou...

Trumpets and Guns

n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, ...

Husband doing crossword with wife..

Husband : emphatic no, five letters
 

Wife : never

H : pistol, three letters
 

W : gun

H : disgust, three letters
 

W : ugh

H : charity, four letters
 

W : give

H : female sheep, three letters...

Why aren't there any guns in Harry Potter?

Because Hogwarts is in England not America.

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A woman walks into a bar with a gun and snarls "who had sex with my husband!?"

In the back a lone nun raises their hand.

"My husband had sex with a nun!?!" the woman exclaims.

The nun replies, "Actually I'm just a bus driver."

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!"
Cashier (puzzled): "Did you mean to say "or you're HISTORY?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

Back in the 80's, Brian was walking in Belfast when he was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun

The masked man asked "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"?

Brian replied "Neither, I'm an Atheist"

The masked man was silent for a moment, then finally said:

"Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist"?

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because we shoot the ones who go to school.

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

Just bought some guns from a guy who called himself “T-Rex”

He said he was a small arms dealer.

What sound does a gun make in church?

Pew pew pew

What do you call a gun that shoots only plants?

A vegun

I like shooting guns and drinking whiskey.

But I'm all out of shots.

My platoon recieved an air drop that was supposed to contain MREs but there must have been a mix up because all we got were ammo and guns.

It was irrational.

I Just Got A Gun For My Wife

Best trade I ever made!

^^^^^^Git-R-Done!

My friend was in an old movie about guns

It is now a Colt Classic

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

My wife asked me why i carry a gun in the house.

I looked at her and said DECEPTICONS. She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster, it was a good time.

Visit to local gun shop

So I went to stay in the US and started getting used to the American way of life...
.
.

After a few months of staying there, I thought I should have a personal handgun as well.
.
.

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon. 
.
.
.

So, today I wen...

I went to a gun range. I saw a man shooting a gun every 15 minutes.

I go over to the man shooting and see he has shot the same precise hole every time.

I see it's Todd Howard, I ask him how he does it.
He says, "It's easy, just do the same thing every time."

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Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:

-Which one of you fucked my wife??!!
Some guy in the crowd says:
- you should bring more bullets

Why did the crow buy a gun ?

to aid a murder

I always wondered why gun barrels tasted salty

Until I realized I'm always crying when I put one in my mouth

Victim: Then the robber walked through the door holding a gun!

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Victim: No, a normal door. He just pushed through it.

What kind of guns do you find at the flea market/swap meet?

Bar-guns

The other day I told a joke about an armoured vehicle with a rotating gun turret.

It tanked.

(Q).... What do the top r/funny posts & gun ownership have in common?

(A).... Americans get it.....the rest of us *don't*.

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Guns are like penises.

Their owners are more proud of them than they should be, size is usually concern over functionality, and it's generally a bad idea to wave them out in public, especially if there are children.

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*

My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?

It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from

"So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?"

"Both , now get in the van ."

I got caught smuggling a gun to the furry convention

Security guard : *(notices bulge)* OwO what's this?!!

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

What does a furry say when having a gun pointed at them?

ONO

My Friend and I were exploring the Appalachia on Fallout 76

Well, that was until I shot him in the head with my pistol.

Now, to be fair, I did have an airtight alibi for this.

I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded.

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
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Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"Open...

Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

But I'd rather take my chances against someone with a spoon.

A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!"

A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes.

Guy walks into a bar with a machine gun and bunch of spare boxes fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO FUCKED MY WIFE?". The entire bar falls silent until a guy in the back yells "You didn't brin..." just to be cut off by the angry guy who yells back "THIS HAS BEEN REPOSTED SO MAN...

If you believe every citizen should own a gun raise your hand,

and if you don't, raise both hands and give me your wallet.

Which gun is Jesus’ least favorite?

The Nailgun

Went and got my first gun yesterday

Went and got a 9mm pistol and I go to pay for the gun and the cashier stops me and says strip down facing me


Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed


When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how...

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Help wanted: FBI Assassin

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will ...

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A guy is speeding and he sees a cop on the overpass above him pointing a radar gun

He knows he's caught, and sure enough, a few moments later Smokey is behind him with lights flashing. He pulls over and the cop asks for his papers and whether he has been drinking.

The guy says, "No, I haven't been drinking. Just heading home after work."

"What type of work do you do...

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
...

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

I just accidentally shot my wife in the hand with a nail gun...

Well, that's what she gets for covering her eyes.

A soldier was in an army training exercise but they ran out of guns

The soldier said to the guy handing out the paint ball guns “what am I going to do without a gun?” The man replied
“Just point at people and and say bang bang bang”
Without any other options he entered the battlefield.

The enemy rushed his trench and it seemed like all was lost, then h...

They say guns dont kill people, people kill people.

does that mean toasters dont toast toast, toast toast toast?

I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.

I would never armadillo.

Studies show that owning a ladder is 10 times more dangerous than owning a gun.

That’s why I own 10 guns. In case some maniac trys to come at me with a ladder.

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off...

I didn't know back to school sales had already started!

Why did the Amputee Buy a Gun?

He Wanted to be Armed.

Holding a gun to his teacher, the student demanded, "Tell me the square root of -2!"

The teacher begged, "Please, let's be rational here."

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

“Hands up, this is a robbery!” He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; “Hey, shouldn’t you be robbing a blood bank?”

The vampire turns to them and grins.
“No, see, I’m cursed.” He explain...

The inventor of the TASER gun recently died.

Both friends and enemies
were stunned!

Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yel...

We are really concerned with what's going on South of the Border with all the drugs gun violence and now this new Dictatorship

I am Canadian

What do you call a gun made fully from concrete?

An asphalt rifle

Solid joke right?

What do you call a gun with three barrels?

A trifle.

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I...

What's the difference between a gun and a social justice warrior?

The gun has only one trigger.

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was bit...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

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A masked guy comes into a bank with a gun.

He presses it against the teller's forehead and demands money.
The lady behind the counter says "sir, i think you messed up, this isn't just any bank, we don't deal in money. We keep semen. This is a sperm bank."

"Oh yeah??!" says the robber...
"Why don't you take a vial and chug it the...

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

What do hunters call deer that carry guns?

Fair game

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother is worried about her children's iron intake so she decides to put some iron BB gun ammo in their oatmeal...

Later that day why the mother was doing laundry her youngest son came up to her and said, "Mom! Mom! I was peeing just now I peed out a BB!"
The mother simply replied, "Don't worry dear that's normal"
Later on her middle oldest came in and said that he had also peed out a BB.
The mother re...

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What's the difference between a gun and a penis?

A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.

Why do men prefer guns over woman?

You can put a silencer on a gun.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

A great big bird with a long neck strapped me into a chair and put a gun to my head.

I guess you could say I was held ostrich.

What do you call a gun loving, Christian rock band?

Guns N' Moses

Why doesn’t Greece have executions with guns anymore?

Because bullets cost money.