A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead

The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.

“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog s...

A man was rushing to the hospital

His wife was already there, giving birth to twins. However, the man, is his haste, failed to see a car coming from his left. The wreck was, thankfully, unsubstantial. The man was unscratched, but unconcious.

He woke up, hours later, in his bed. His brother noticed he had finally woken up and ...

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

A tall guy rushed in front of an elderly woman on the train to take the last seat. The woman shouted, “What a mean guy!”

But he was clearly above average

“It’s a boy!”, I exclaimed, tears rushing down my face.

It was that precise moment I decided to never visit Thailand again.

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

Sean Connery lay on his death bed as he is rushed in a helicopter.

But he isn't on his way to the hospital. As the craft gently touches down, he is carefully wheeled off and pushed into the midst of beautiful New Orleans.

"Well, here we are, Sir Connery," his doctor says, beaming. "Orleans Parish, the most culturally diverse and gorgeous parish in all of Lo...

A man rushes his wife to hospital

As she finally lies down on a bed, she starts yelling "Don't! Shouldn't! Can't! Isn't!"

The man asks the doctor, "What's going on? She's speaking incoherently! Is this normal?"

The doctor nods unconcernedly. "Oh yes, it's perfectly normal," he says, "she's just having contractions."

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A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

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A man is rushed to hospital after inserting 3 toy horses into his anus.

The paramedics say his condition is stable.

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstair...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

I was just rushed to the hospital

I accidentally got in front of the punchline.

I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room

He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"

I rushed to the hospital when I heard that my cousin could neither walk nor speak.

Apparently all newborns are like that.

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

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Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper,...

What did the slave owner said to his slave during the gold rush?

I wanna make you mine.

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

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When you want to stay strong and it's dark, and you feel blood rushing to your head, and it's getting really hot, and it feels like the world is closing in around you, just remember...

... You're a Penis and this is normal.

Why are pediatricians always in a rush?

They have little patients.

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

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A man rushes into a bar and shouts, “Who’s the owner of the chihuahua that was tied up outside?”

The man continues looking around frantically, but no one in the bar responds. Calling out again, he says, “Please, I need the owner! Your dog is killing my rottweiler!”

A patron of the bar slowly stands up and says, “Sir, I don’t believe it would be possible for my chihuahua to kill a dog th...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

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Why did Hitler rush to take over Russia

He didn't like stalin during war.

A panicked mathematician rushes into his professors’s office...

The professor looks up in shock from his work to see one of his students slamming a high school geometry textbook on his desk.

“What’s wrong?!” exclaims the professor.

“They’ve updates the syllabus,” the mathematician replies.

The professor, still confused, watches the mathemat...

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A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

A little boy excitedly rushes into a candy store that sold some unusual goods...

Inside he meets the owner who takes him around the store and shows him all of the products. There were lots of different ones, candy shaped like a dog biscuit, the grass a cow would eat, the worms a bird would eat and even one that looked like a T-bone steak!

The boy is awe-struck and can’t ...

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#2537: Do you have a vagina?

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams the...

A totally naked woman rushed into a taxi.

The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly.

The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"

The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend.

She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.



“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.



“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

&nbsp;

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

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My favorite thing to do after sex is cuddle with my wife

I always leave money on the dresser and make sure to rush home to her after I’m finished

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A boy and his grandpa

One day a boy’s grandpa was watching TV and drinking a beer.

He sat down and asked if he could have some of the beer.

“Is your wiener long enough to touch your butthole?”
“Nope.”

“Then you’re too young to share my beer,” his grandpa chuckled

A couple of weeks later...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

As the fire fighters were rushing into Notre Dame, an angry man stopped them at the door.

"Excusemoi monseuir! Entry is €12"

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A man goes on a business trip

Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter.

The old man said "We have vi...

A man was walking home past a cemetary in the middle of the night.

when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncin...

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A rabbi and a priest rush out of a flaming orphanage

As they run out, they hear some orphans screaming.

"Should we go save the children?" the priest yells.

"Fuck the children!" the rabbi replies.

"Do we have time?".

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me.

Nobody expects the span is in position.

When I reach home, my 1.5 year old son rushes out to the gate..

..to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrrrmmm brrrrmmm sound. His cute antics always me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease ...It's called Parking son's disease.

A man came home and found his wife in bed with another man.

He challenged the stranger to a duel. They walked into another room and closed the door. Then the man said to the stranger, "Why should any of us die? Let's both shoot into the air, then we fall to the floor and wait. She will sprint in. To whomever she will rush, let that man have her." The strange...

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(NSFW) A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to t...

My mother always complains about hitting traffic during rush hour.

I just think she needs to be a better driver.

A rope walks into a bar...

This rope has seen years of hard work, is severely tangled and splitting, and well past it's prime. The rope just lays on the ground.

The bartender rushes over, "Sir, can you stand up?"

"I'm a frayed knot."

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.

When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

An infamous doctor was known for rushing operations.

People asked him why he did things so quickly, and he said: "If I didn't, I wouldn't be doctor...

I would be patient."

It is 1850 in California, where a group of miners are looking for gold.

Hundreds of miners flock to a local river and reserve their spots for mining.

Some manage to secure a spot on the river before the rush, and the spots are taken instantly. Ones that slept in are too late and have to move on to the next one. Some of them will never find gold, even the.miners i...

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A Polish man rushes into a lawyer's office

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the sp...

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

Who's the bravest in the military

At a NATO conference in Washington DC one year, British, French, and US Generals were discussing who had the bravest soldiers.
The French General told one of his soldiers to run out into the path of on coming traffic.....the soldier did, and was killed. The General said, "Now that is bravery" ...

On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.

Why did Donald Trump rush to Macy's?

He heard they had Ivanka's clothes half off

Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

What do you call it when you rush to say a joke before you finish formulating the punchline in your head?

Wait don't click this post yet i'm thinking 1 sec

Lee, Lifeson, and Peart aren't in any hurry to do anything these days

There's no Rush.

You ever misplace your belt when you're in a hurry?

I was rushing to work this morning and I couldn't find my belt for the life of me. I really couldn't leave without one so I thought "Hey, I have a lot of watches so maybe I could MacGyver a belt from these!" Well let me tell you... when I got to work I was fired for one, being late, and two, looking...

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

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True story

My wife comes at home in a hurry:

**—** Honey, I'm late for my gynecologist appointment! Don't have time to shower and shave, I'll just wash down there and I'll go. 5 min later she rushes out the door.

When she comes back, she's angry as hell:

**—** That son of a bitch, he's bee...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...

"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"

Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her so...

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3 men survive a plane crash in the jungle.

Paddy, an Irishman, Jock, a Scotsman, and Edward, an Englishman.
The three men band together and set off in search of civilisation. After many hours trekking through the jungle the men come across 3 rotting dead birds.
“I’m not eating that!” Says a disgusted Edward.
“Aye it’s covered in ...

A joke from my uncle about two monkeys who were best friends...

I had two pet monkeys who were the best of friends, they did everything together. They went to the park together, they bathed together and even shared each others food.

One day i decided to nip to the shop to buy some milk, and upon my return i found that one monkey had fallen off the balcon...

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How does a robot have sex when he is in a rush?

Screws, nuts, and bolts.

A rabbit crosses an intersection and gets hit by a car,killing it instantly...

An animal lover,concerned about the well being of the rabbit,gets out of her car and rushes over to the rabbit,takes it's pulse,and immediately grabs a can out of her purse.She sprays it on the rabbit and instantly the recent roadkill jumps back to life,hops three times and waves,hops three times a...

A man’s wife is in labor and they rush to the hospital around midday.

When they get there, the doctors inform the Man that they have experimental machines to wirelessly transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father of the child.

Then man, being a tough guy, agrees to bear some of the burden for his wife.

They start at the lowest setting of 1% b...

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Pilot: the plane is going down!

**Me:** *[texting my dentist]* I've never really flossed

**Pilot:** false alarm everyone.

**Me:** *[rushing to cock pit]* no no no this thing needs to go down!

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Two nude statues...

Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. "You have an hour to do anything you like, then it's back on the pedestals with you."

The woman looks at ...

The wife complained Hunting season keeps us separated to much.

So I agreed to take her along for the deer hunt.

Took her to a nice tree stand. Told her" you can shoot a buck or a doe. It doesn't matter

I'm going about 100 yds that way"

No more than got to my spot when I heard BANG BANG BANG. So I rushed to where I left my wife, only to find...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. ...

Cursed Re-union

*What is Reunion..? Reunion is when you get up in the morning and tell your wife you're going to Work.. Instead you go to your neighbour's Wife to make love to her. Her husband comes back unexpectedly, knocks on the door and you have no choice but to crawl under the bed... The Husband enters the bed...

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Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

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A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a grocery store and gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a robbery...

She is rushed to the hospital and all known tests are run on her. The doctor approaches her and tells her the children are all fine, but it's too late in the pregnancy to safely remove the bullets. They would fall out in their own time.

The woman gives birth to 3 healthy kids. Two girls, and ...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers.

She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "I...

An old couple enters a cafe in normandy, overlooking the beach.

The couple are clearly tourists, and when the couple sits down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.

After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the w...

A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, “Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I’m sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.”

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

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A man rushes home from the doctor's

He runs straight to the bedroom to find his wife.

"Great news." He said, "The doctor told me that I need daily sex medication.

His wife, confused, picks up the doctor's note and says,

"This says dyslexia medication you fucking idiot."

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My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and s...

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors. He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel had hit John after he jumped out of the tractor. He was scarred, physically and mentally and absolutely ...

A game console is seen rushing to an emergency...

*WIIU WIIU WIIU WIIU WIIU*

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A man walks into a bar feeling gloomy

"What's wrong John?" asks the bartender, standing with his legs apart and hands on his hips.

John says, "It's the wife. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore. Our love life feels dull and the sex has become routine."

The bartender starts stroking his chin, legs apart, with one hand o...

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The Heimlich maneuver

Two rednecks are eating chicken at KFC, when all of a sudden they notice the woman next to them choking on a bone.

They rush over to the table, where the first redneck pulls down his pants and the second starts licking his butt. Disgusted, the chocking woman begins to gag, and suddenly coughs...

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy.

While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”

“I should think so,” the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”

“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”

The man holds his han...

A man goes to Spain

He arrives, and of course, the first thing he has to go see is the daily bull fight.
The match is drawn out, a banderillero is gored, but eventually the bull is subdued and the matador emerges victorious.
The man is famished at this point, and so, entranced by the fight, he finds his way to t...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

A man see's a guy throwing a ball for his dog at the park.

He throws the ball, the dog chases it but as he gets close to the ball he falls to the ground and starts choking. The owner doesn't seem too fazed and the man watching is about to rush to help the dog when the dog gets up, snatches the ball and brings it back to the owner. The owner throws the ball ...

What did the protons yell as they rushed into battle?

*CHARGE!*

I walked into the men's restroom at a police station.

As I walked in, a creepy guy rushed over to me and pulled me close. He told me he would give me "Candy" in exchange for my pee. I assumed he had to pass a test or something.

I told him, "Well, it's your lucky day, I came into this restroom to pee!"

He smiled and told me, "Urine for a t...

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my paycheck in my
pocket."

"Oh, really?" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth
raise you've had in the last half hour!"

A man is looking for a job in the news paper

A man is looking for a job in the news paper and he finds an ad for a donut shop, he applies and almost immediately gets the job.

On his first day he walks in the manager shoves him an apron and says

"all you have to do is sell donuts at the counter"

The man nods his head, pu...

Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I wa...

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I once came home to find 4 masked men beating up my younger brother. Obviously I rushed over to help out.

...the little shit didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us.

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

2 Cowboys are stranded in the desert.

They keep pushing on and on until they see a tree.
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This tree in particular looked like a bacon tree.
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“We’re saved” exclaimed the cowboys.
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They rushed towards the tree and where quickly shot down.
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It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
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I was not aware ...

We fear no wives

Three guys are sitting in a bar. Suddenly the first guy’s phone rings, he immediately answered it then without saying anything he ran out the door only to rush back, quickly throws 10-dollar bills on the bar while muttering, “Damn I forgot to do the dishes, the wife’s on the way home.” Then he ran f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Jeremy Corbyn went to see the Queen.

Jeremy Corbyn asked the Queen. "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well." Said the Queen. "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Jeremy Corbyn then asked. "But how do I know if the peo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny was playing with his train set while mother was in the kitchen doing dishes...

Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot. "The train has reached the station, all you mother fuckers getting on, get on and all you bastards getting off, get off.

Johnnys mom rushes out and yells at Johnny for his bad language and gives him a 5 min timeout.

6 minutes later she hears ...

The endless hole

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how l...

I went to a Vietnamese food truck at lunch to order my favourite soup...

But there was a huge line and I was in a rush. It was kind of a pho queue.

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An older gentleman walks in to a bar and spends the night drinking...

As he finishes up his last drink the bartender says, "Rich, you want me to call your wife to come pick you up?"

Rich responds, "Nah, I'll get home just fine."

He takes his last gulp and lifts himself from the bar stool only to collapse on to the floor.

The bar tender rushes ov...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

A man once got locked inside a mailbox. Everyone rushed for his rescue,

Because he was a priority male.

An boomer classic for you all...

A man was run down by a car in broad daylight.

An ambulance was called, and he was quickly rushed into it. In order to check his mental state, one of the medics started asking him questions about the accident.

"Well, I had just left the store, and was crossing the road to reach my car,...

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

One day, Keanu Reeves is leaving his house...

On his way out, his home is surrounded by paparazzi. Looking into the crowds, he sees 20 people or so, and standing in between all of them, is a rather large machine. He hides his face and quickly rushes to his car.

Keanu, knowing how to elude the paparazzi where possible, drives a rather ro...

I just watched a documentary about the cutthroat world of the gold rush.

It was pretty metal.

I once new a guy who loved tractors, but one day he sadly fell off his tractor and broke his arm and vowed to never go near a tractor again.

A few months later after coming home from a night out with his friends and with his buddy in tow, he arrived home to find his house on fire.

He immediately rushed inside took the deepest breath he could and inhaled all of the smoke, and all of the flames.

His now bewildered friend aske...

My 8 year old got me this morning. We were rushing to get out the house quickly and then he told me...

MOM.. QUIT RUSHING ME.. I'M NOT RUSSIAN!

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks w...

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