A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

Traffic lights teach us that if you see a green man, you should start crossing the road.

So that's how I avoid environmentalists.

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

I rear ended a Dwarf at the traffic lights on the way to work this morning!

He jumped out of his car and stormed up to my window motioning for me to roll it down. He said, "I'm not Happy!"
I said, "Then which one are you?"

I took a detour on the way home yesterday. Took me through 8 traffic circles,

but it got me where I was going, in a roundabout way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out that porn sites receive more regular traffic than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined.

What is the world coming to?

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

What is the similarity between a pilot and an air traffic controller?

If the pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If the air traffic controller screws up, the pilot dies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are there so many traffic jams

But no traffic peanutbutter?

I hate sitting in traffic

I always get ran over!

What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look! I’m about to change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.



"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister...

Traffic signs

I saw a sign that said "Slow men at work"

I thought how awesome it was that the "Slow children at play" will grow up and find work

In an attempt to reduce congestion, my local council removed traffic lights at all crossroads...

bit of a roundabout way of doing things, don't you think?

Traffic lights and bananas are opposites.

A green light is go, yellow slow, and red stop. A green banana is wait, yellow go, and if it’s red, I’m not sure if you should touch it.

Two dinosaurs are involved in a traffic accident. The diplodocus spins off, but luckily comes to a stop on the verge without too much damage.

Unfortunately the Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic offence and when she asked what her job was, she said she was a teacher.

Judge: Ma'am, I have waited years for a teacher to appear before this court. Now sit down and write: "I will not run a red light 500 times."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

A hippy cut me off in traffic

I gave him the half peace sign

My wife and I couldn't figure out the British term for a traffic circle.

We got the finally found the roundabout answer from researching about it in the library.

90% of all traffic accidents are due to men. Do you know why?

Because they gave their wife the car key.

I got seriously rear-ended in traffic yesterday

Thank god i wasnt in my car

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats something you can say in a traffic jam and during sex?

"I better call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be home late"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light..

..And next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the ki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication

with a small twin engine aircraft.A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is stopped by an officer controlling traffic...

The officer is conducting the control rather rudely and is pedantic about the state of the car and the man starts to get annoyed. When the officer finally hands back his papers, the man asks: "would I get into trouble for calling an officer an asshole motherfucker?". The officer makes an angry noise...

Bananas Are Like Traffic Lights...

Except the colors mean different things. You see... with a traffic light green means go, Yellow means be cautious slow down & red means stop. On a banana, green means hold up be cautious. Yellow means go ahead it’s okay! & red means where the hell did you get that banana.

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

An metropolitan Police officer gets demoted to Traffic duty in the middle of nowhere...

He’s furious about it. He sits in his car at the side of the highway, mumbling to himself angrily about his demotion, until he finally snaps. He turns on his lights and pulls over the first car that passes him. Slamming his door behind him, he marches up to the car and pounds on the window.
...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

A traffic cop pulled over a driver in who had been weaving erratically along the highway

Approaching the car, he said: ‘Sir, i need you to blow into a breathalyser.’
‘Sorry officer,’ he replied. ‘I can’t do that. I’m an asthmatic. If i do that, I’ll have a rally bad asthma attack.’
‘Well, then i need you to come to the station to give me a blood sample.’
‘I can’t do ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stopped at the traffic lights and looked at the guy next to me.

It was on, I could see the fury in his eyes. I waited for the lights to change.

"Let's race," I mouthed to him.

Then the guy said, "stop fucking around and press the button."

Who's the Best Traffic Signal Superhero?

Green Arrow

A man has been involved in a traffic collision

An officer walks up to him.

\- Who caused this?

\- I'm sorry sir, but I have no idea! I was looking in a different direction.

I was sitting in traffic the other day...

That's probably why I got run over

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

My mother always complains about hitting traffic during rush hour.

I just think she needs to be a better driver.

A Calculus student is stuck in traffic...

After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's ligh...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" 

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom. 

Otherwise, they are gong to...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

Traffic Police stopped the priest due to over speeding

Traffic Police stopped the priest due to over speeding.

Smelling alcohol on the good father's breath and noticing a wine bottle on the passenger's seat, the police asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

The priest replies, "Just water."

"Then, why do I smell wine?" the traffic cop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.


"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.


Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign abo...

What do you call a traffic avoiding droid?

R2-detour

Air traffic control - Flight 417, please confirm your location, over

Pilot - This is Flight 417, we are in the sky, over

What do you call a traffic jam in Compton?

A blood clot

Don't post anything about Los Angeles on Reddit.

The site will go down due to all the traffic.

A coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral...

A coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral. As it was being lowered, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out." The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "sorry mate, it's too late. I've already done the paperwo...

In the city, a guy was caught taking out all the red bulbs in traffic lights after months of going unseen

He wasn't sure what led to his capture, since he was pulling out all the stops to not get caught.

What's the difference between a red traffic light and a green traffic light?

Please answer quickly, I'm almost at the intersection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Driving in traffic in the city I moved into is a lot like having sex with my ex-girlfriend...

It always seems like I can never go too fast for too long and whenever a gap opens up in front of me another guy already filled it up.

A man parks his car. As he is getting out a traffic warden walks up and says, "I'm sorry sir, you can't park your car here." .....

...."Yes I can" says the man. "The sign there says, 'Fine for Parking'!"

A man was teaching his son about about the dangers of drinking at the traffic lights.

The man said, “See those two cars over there, son? A drunk man would see four.”

The son replied, “But Dad, there is only one car.”

[true story] I went to traffic school today

The instructor played a short video of a man driving in reverse on a highway.

The instructor asked “can anyone tell me what he is doing wrong?”

My hand shot up and I was called on.

“He played the video in reverse! You have to play it forward!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wiping your ass is a lot like approaching a traffic light...

Red means stop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Traffic stop

A man gets pulled over for going 5 miles over the speed limit. He says to the cop "youre gonna ticket me for goin FIVE MILES over the limit?"
Cop says "you betcha."
The man asks "is it against the law to call a cop an asshole?"
The cop replies "yep i wouldnt recommend it."
"Well is it ag...

Before I get into Spring Break traffic, I cover my car in Mucinex...

It really thins out the congestion.

Traffic stop

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The officer asked to see the lady's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it loo...

Late Night Traffic Stop

A man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers,
alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."
The officer the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think ...

A man is driving down the freeway when the traffic comes to a standstill...

He looks ahead to see what the problem is and notices an overturned truck. When he gets a better look, he notices that it's a truck that was filled with penguins who are now all waddling around the freeway.

He sees two police officers frantically trying to shepherd the penguins to safety and...

What did the lion say when he was stuck in traffic?

Mufasa

I sat in traffic all day yesterday...

I feel so run-down.

It should be a safety hazard for cars being towed to face traffic behind them...

Every time I look up from my phone while driving and see one they scare the *s#!t* out of me!

Why do traffic lights turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two types of people in traffic.

Me and those who can not fucking drive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar.

*long*

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, strolls up to the bar and sighs "give me a Guinness mate"

The bartender gives him his drink and asks "rough day? ", the black piece of tarmac replies "aye I'm part of the A1 North and I've had all sorts over me today. 12 fucking lorries,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is stopped by a traffic cop...

'Did you know you were three miles over the speed limit, sir? The officer asks.

The man begins to explain 'I'm really sorry officer I'm late for my arsehole stretching appointment'

Seeing the perplexed look on the officers face he continues, 'what they do is, put one finger in and work...

A driver is stuck on a highway in a massive traffic jam.

He sees two guys approach his vehicle.

"A few criminals managed to tie up all of the major politicians. They have threatened to light them up with gasoline if they can't get $1,000,000 in the next 24 hours. We're asking for donations."

The driver responds "What are most people donating...

Stuck Behind Traffic

A cop pulls a car over for driving too fast. He walks up to the car,

Cop: You were going to fast.

Driver: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.

Cop: There isn't any.

Driver: I know! That's how far behind I am!

Why is there a solid traffic line painted down the middle of the corridor of the government office building?

So the people coming in late don’t run into into the people going home early.

A traffic cop and some penguins

So a traffic cop is sitting in his car on the side of the road. The cars go past, nobody is speeding. However, as police officer is watching, a car with a dozen penguins drives past. The cop pulls the man over and says, "Sir! Why do you have all these penguins in your car?" The man shrugs and says. ...

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

When a donkey is angry in traffic, what does he do?

He honks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everytime someone cuts me off in traffic, an angel gets its wings

Because I'm going to kill a motherfucker.

My website just crashed from a huge influx of traffic today...

I wonder why so many people are interested in my superb owl, today of all days. I mean, he's really great and all, but he's just an owl.

Q: What do you call an Oyster who is stuck in traffic?

A: A PearlJam 😃

On a high traffic road...

"Excuse me sir, could I have a moment"

Guy, driving a car "Yes, how can I help you?"

"There's a terrorist attack recently, and they have held hostage many of our country's leaders. They demand 1 billion by the end of today or they will shower our leaders with gasoline and burn them"...

You are lying on your deathbed

Your family and loved ones surround you, supporting you. You feel reassured, ready to move on, as your wife pulls the plug on life support.

As the machines wind down... you dont die. Your family is ecstatic, the doctors are bewildered. They all cry, saying it is a miracle.

Two hours l...

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.

"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back....

Who's the bravest in the military

At a NATO conference in Washington DC one year, British, French, and US Generals were discussing who had the bravest soldiers.
The French General told one of his soldiers to run out into the path of on coming traffic.....the soldier did, and was killed. The General said, "Now that is bravery" ...

I started my own traffic control company.

It's a slow-moving business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven

Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

My wife and I were stuck in traffic.

She said, "I'm turning round."

"I can see that," I replied. "Try eating less chocolate."

Traffic Lights..

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
Slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the side of the...

A young blonde...

...pilot is in her first flying lesson in a 2 seater plane. Her instructor all of a sudden get a heart attack and dies.

"May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic control....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.