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The Traffic Stop

A man is pulled over by a police officer.

The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"

The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."

"You don't ha...

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German air traffic controllers

The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange betwee...

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A car full of Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up along side of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' lit...

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Blonde vs Traffic cop who will win?

Traffic cop stops a blonde that sped by him. He asked her for her license, and she replied by asking: "What is a license?" He explained that a license is a square thing with your face of it. The blone ruffles around in her purse for a while, pulls out a small mirror and gives it to the traffic cop. ...

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC; Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We a...

what did the traffic light say to the traffic light?

Don't look, I'm changing.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend not getting stuck in traffic

Because the 10th one is still stuck in traffic.

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Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

I was stopped at a traffic light, and among the pedestrians crossing was my ex.

And I thought, "I'd hit that."

Man: Judge, 60% of my traffic tickets are bogus!

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. 3/5 of my traffic tickets are bogus!

Why was Traffic Man often coughing while capturing villains?

Because he was always congested.

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A traffic policeman stops some boys on a bike.

"Hey, why are there three of you riding a single bike at once? Don't you know it's illegal?"

"Three?! Holy shit, guys, did Jake fall off somewhere??"

I listened to the traffic report this morning...

They said that someone on the highway was driving in the wrong direction... I looked out the window... they were all driving in the wrong direction!

A couple who were making wedding preparations die in a traffic accident.

When they arrive at heaven, the man finds an angel and explains the situation, asking if they could arrange a wedding in heaven or not.

-Let me have a look, the angel says.

After a few months, it comes back to the couple and tells them:

-Everything's set, you guys can marry.
...

Traffic violation

After pulling a farmer over for speeding in an urban area, the police officer starts to lecture him about his callous disregard for public safety. The officer goes on and on, even belittling the farmer saying he must be a "hick from the sticks" and not know how to behave in a civilized area.
<...

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

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A traffic cop stops a man for speeding

Policeman: "Can I see your driver's license?".

Man: "I don't have it, they suspended it for speeding."

Policeman: "Can you show me the registration document of the car?".

Man: "It's not mine, I stole it".

Policeman: "You stole this car?".

Man: “Exactly. But wait a...

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

The drunk driver

The traffic cop has parked outside the bar and is looking for drunk drivers.
At closing time he spots one who leaves the bar, staggers a few times, and walks to his car.
He searches for his keys for five minutes, finds them, and searches for another five minutes to find the keyhole. Meanwh...

While driving to work this morning I rear-ended a car at a traffic light.

When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf.

He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...'.

So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

I stopped at the traffic lights and looked at the guy next to me. After a few intimidating revving sounds, I started to creep forward.

"You ought to see a doctor," said the other pedestrian.

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!"
"Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said.
The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?"...

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.

It said **'parking fine'** so that was nice.

Hooker and the Cab Driver

A hooker hails a cab in NYC.

The cabbie says "where to mam"?

The hooker says "going home" gives him the address and they speed off.

After fighting through traffic for an hour, he finally gets her home; turns to her

and says "that'll be $80 please".

The hooker say...

A truck carrying Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway, but amazingly traffic was fine.

No congestion for hours!

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A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:

A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:
“Name please.”
“Erm, it’s Johnny Wankenbrake.”
“Wanking-Break?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, Address?”
“Well, my address is my work: Filthy Fingers Films on the Industrial Estate.”
“Right, look buddy, I’m not putting that in a report, take it easy - ...

A friend of mine is dating a woman he met during a traffic jam.

"She was in the car ahead of me," he said, "and I accidentally stepped on the gas when I meant to hit the brake."

"Did you rear-end her?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, but not until the third date."

I was sitting in traffic the other day

Probably why I got run over

A man is sitting in his sports car at the traffic lights when a little girl on a bike asks him if he wants to race

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees something gaining on him in his mirror, *fast.* He just barely catches a glimpse of the little girl on her bike a...

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.

The judge rose from the bench.
“Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight.
“Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

Why do traffic lights turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

I know this guy that fixes traffic lights for a living. He's just recently got a new girlfriend.

Her name's Amber

Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.

Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.

Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.

The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "

...

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car.

Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in ...

A duck was standing by a busy roadside, waiting for a break in traffic as cars went roaring by

A chicken walks up and says, "don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it."

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral,

a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

Crossing

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across B...

Traffic laws:

Britain: Drive on the left side

Europe and America: Drive on the right side

India: Lmao what's a "traffic law"?

what makes us really humans?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights

One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too

'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?'

'Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off

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A mother and her son are stuck behind a garbage truck in traffic

Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield.
To save her son‘s innocence, the mother goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!"
To which her son replies: "Damn, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"

I hate those traffic circle thingies when I'm not needing to turn.

It seems straight forward, but it's a really roundabout way of doing things.

Why was Vladimir involved in a traffic accident on the way to the airport in Moscow?

He was Russian, and ran a red light.

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

What did the goose say in the traffic jam?

HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!!

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A man drives into a traffic stop by the police...

As soon as he stops a police officer is walking up to the man's car and asks him to roll down the window.
Police Officer: Good evening Sir! May I see your driver's license and registration?
The Man: Yes sure Officer.
As the man hands over his papers he asks the Officer:
Why are you ch...

A Korean immigrant was beaten up by police after they asked for his name and registration papers during a routine traffic stop.

"I never have received seen such bad behaviour by cops" said Mr Fuuk Yu.

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I had no idea how serious stealing sheep in new zealand was.

Until i got charged for sex trafficing.

The Brass Rat

One day a guy was browsing in an antique shop. He didn't find anything he liked and was about to leave, when suddenly at the back of a shelf he spied a brass rat. It was fascinating, the detail was incredible, he couldn't take his eyes off it. He brought it up to the counter to ask how much it wa...

A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said.

"Trust me it helps, that's what I do"

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There are two types of people in the world: Those who walk on the side opposing traffic,

And those who walk on the side w- OH FUCK WHERE DID YOU COME FROM SLOW THE FUCK DOWN

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

I can't believe people have no compliance with traffic rules these days

When I was on highway, everyone was driving in wrong direction.

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A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.

The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened.

Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am?

Motorist: What's an ID?

Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it.
...

The traveling salesmen

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged wo...

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam...

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Standing column.

Suddenly someone knocks on the side window. He lets down the window and asks: "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped President Trump. They are demanding a ransom of $ 100 million or they will pour...

Not sure if that one has already been here, if so - I apologize

A man drives his car on the highway, when he hears the following traffic warning on the radio "Drivers, be careful there is a wrong way driver coming on the highway 9 in the direction of Berlin."
"Whaat?", shouts out the man to himself. "One?? More like a thousand of them!!"

I had an ex-girlfriend who was a traffic warden and also happened to be into S&M...

Most of the time it was fine, but every time she put nipple clamps on me, she charged me $200 to take them off again!

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A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

A cop stopped a guy for speeding…

Cop said: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

The guy replied: “I was trying to keep up with traffic”

The cop said: “But there is no traffic”

And the guy answered: “That’s how far behind I am”

Shame a girl for her breast size and I’ll push you into traffic.

Who’s flat now?

Late

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due ...

Three men die and go to heaven…

St Peter to 1st man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?

1st man: Certainly not! I loved my wife and was never unfaithful!”

St Peter to 1st man: Excellent, you get a Cadillac to drive around for all of eternity.

St Peter to 2nd man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?

2...

Why'd they dedicate a traffic circle to Matthew McConaughey?

Because it was all right, all right, all right.

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

Fast

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. ...

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Wiping your ass is a lot like approaching a traffic light...

Red means stop.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

One day, a husband and wife came to a street corner where Officer Ed was directing traffic. 'Good morning, Officer Ed ,' said the husband. 'Shut up!' he replied.

Officer Ed was known to be quite rude. But the wife didn't let him sour her day. 'My, it's a beautiful day,' she said.

'It's going to rain, stupid!' said Officer Ed.
She replied, 'But there's not a cloud in the sky.'

'Read my lips, lady,' said Officer Ed. 'It's going to rain.'
<...

Mario is in a court trial for not following traffic rules.

Judge : This is the 10th time you’ve sped at a red light this week. As a punishment you need to pay $ 1000.
Its a fine that you’ve to pay.

Mario : No, itssa not.

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What can you say both during sex and after a guy in traffic just flipped you off?

"Goddamn, what an asshole!"

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Two nuns are driving down the street

When they get cut off by someone in traffic. The first none says "maybe he doesn't know we're nuns...sister show him your cross"

So the second nun opens the window and shouts "Oi you fucking dickhead!"

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Whats something you can say in a traffic jam and during sex?

"I better call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be home late"

What is the similarity between a pilot and an air traffic controller?

If the pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If the air traffic controller screws up, the pilot dies.

Tatooine Air Traffic Controller: "Jedi 41, Tatooine Tower, confirm your current position you appear to be lost"

Captain Yoda: "Of course I am"

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A man arrives in New York’s airport and hails a taxi.

He tells the driver where he wants to go, hops in and they drive away.

After a few miles, the man realizes that the driver missed a turn, so he reaches forward and taps the guy on the shoulder to get his attention.

There’s an ear splitting yelp. The taxi driver floors the gas and th...

A Calculus student is stuck in traffic...

After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's ligh...

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

Traffic lights teach us that if you see a green man, you should start crossing the road.

So that's how I avoid environmentalists.

A bus driver was heading down a street. He went right past a stop sign without stopping. Next he turned left where there was a "no-left turn" sign. Finally he went the wrong way down a one-way street. He didn't break any traffic laws. How?

He was walking.

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An metropolitan Police officer gets demoted to Traffic duty in the middle of nowhere...

He’s furious about it. He sits in his car at the side of the highway, mumbling to himself angrily about his demotion, until he finally snaps. He turns on his lights and pulls over the first car that passes him. Slamming his door behind him, he marches up to the car and pounds on the window.
...

I have an addiction to stealing traffic signs.

But I can STOP whenever I want to.

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

I got seriously rear-ended in traffic yesterday

Thank god i wasnt in my car

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

There is a large traffic jam in Washington DC

A man gets caught in a huge traffic jam in DC. While sitting motionless on the road a man approaches him on foot. The man rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.

“The whole capitol is in chaos, armed men have stormed the Capitol Building and are holding congress hostage, they say they...

A man parks his car. As he is getting out a traffic warden walks up and says, "I'm sorry sir, you can't park your car here." .....

...."Yes I can" says the man. "The sign there says, 'Fine for Parking'!"

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The pope's traffic stop

The pope is on tour in the United States. He's sitting in the back of the popemobile, and he says to himself, "You know, this is really getting to be a drag. Every day it's the same crowds, the same homily." Then a light bulb goes on. He says, "Driver, pull over. I'm going to drive for a while. You ...

I took a detour on the way home yesterday. Took me through 8 traffic circles,

but it got me where I was going, in a roundabout way.

What do you call a traffic jam in Compton?

A blood clot

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What do you call a black man and a Chinese man stuck in traffic?

Rush hour

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A man parks his car in a 'disabled parking' spot when a traffic policeman shows up.

'Well well well sir,' says the policeman while getting his coupon book 'what is your handicap that allows you to park here?'

After a brief moment of thinking the man awnsers: 'Tourette's sydrome, Cocksucker!'

A hippy cut me off in traffic

I gave him the half peace sign

Do any of you fellow Redditors post jokes while driving in traffic?

I normally don't, but I was just wonderkjtivnodoijhgh

I Named My Dog Traffic

So when I'm late for things I can say, "Sorry I was stuck in Traffic."

Did you hear about the judge who gave a jaywalker a very long sentence?

"Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrian...

My uncle fell asleep in traffic and got run over...

I guess he got tired

Why did the pachycephalosaurus cross into incoming traffic?

Because it was a total bonehead.

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Pope in a limousine

The Pope was visiting L.A. and found himself not only late for an important meeting but stuck in L.A. freeway traffic. From the rear seat of the limo the Pope said to the driver, “If you don’t mind, I would like to drive.” They switched seats and the Pope steered the limo to the shoulder of the free...

I really don't understand why people like traffic jams...

But apparently they are lining up for it.

What's the difference between a red traffic light and a green traffic light?

Please answer quickly, I'm almost at the intersection.

I hate sitting in traffic

I always get ran over!

Bananas Are Like Traffic Lights...

Except the colors mean different things. You see... with a traffic light green means go, Yellow means be cautious slow down & red means stop. On a banana, green means hold up be cautious. Yellow means go ahead it’s okay! & red means where the hell did you get that banana.

Did you hear about the depressed traffic jam?

It was really bummer-to-bummer.

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Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.


"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.


Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign abo...

What do British people do when there is a traffic jam at a roundabout?

They form a Q.

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.



"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister...

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I stopped at the traffic lights and looked at the guy next to me.

It was on, I could see the fury in his eyes. I waited for the lights to change.

"Let's race," I mouthed to him.

Then the guy said, "stop fucking around and press the button."

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

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Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road

When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ...

My wife and I couldn't figure out the British term for a traffic circle.

We got the finally found the roundabout answer from researching about it in the library.

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

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