A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

A traffic cop pulls over a driver for running a stop sign....

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Driver: No
Officer: You failed to stop at that stop sign
Driver: what, I slowed down that’s good enough
Officer writes him a ticket: Make sure you stop at the stop signs, have a nice day


The next day the traffic cop is at the sa...

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What can you say both during sex and after a guy in traffic just flipped you off?

"Goddamn, what an asshole!"

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

Some traffic signs say stop

What do snails say when they gave way to traffic?

Yescargot

Why can't traffic lights date each other?

Too many red lights

I was sat in traffic the other day

Got run over.

Mario is in a court trial for not following traffic rules.

Judge : This is the 10th time you’ve sped at a red light this week. As a punishment you need to pay $ 1000.
Its a fine that you’ve to pay.

Mario : No, itssa not.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

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Donald and Mike

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were travelling down Route 66 when Donald fell asleep at the wheel and crashed head on to oncoming traffic and they both died. When Donald and Mike reached the pearly gates of hell Mike said:

"Listen Devil, my time on earth is not done yet. I'll do whatever you wa...

A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

Shame a girl for her breast size and I’ll push you into traffic.

Who’s flat now?

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A man parks his car in a 'disabled parking' spot when a traffic policeman shows up.

'Well well well sir,' says the policeman while getting his coupon book 'what is your handicap that allows you to park here?'

After a brief moment of thinking the man awnsers: 'Tourette's sydrome, Cocksucker!'

I Named My Dog Traffic

So when I'm late for things I can say, "Sorry I was stuck in Traffic."

My uncle fell asleep in traffic and got run over...

I guess he got tired

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The pope's traffic stop

The pope is on tour in the United States. He's sitting in the back of the popemobile, and he says to himself, "You know, this is really getting to be a drag. Every day it's the same crowds, the same homily." Then a light bulb goes on. He says, "Driver, pull over. I'm going to drive for a while. You ...

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What do you call a black man and a Chinese man stuck in traffic?

Rush hour

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A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.

The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened.

Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am?

Motorist: What's an ID?

Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it.
...

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court] judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

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"Secret code"

This joke is set in India where the traffic rules are just as lax as the traffic cops.

One day, while riding to work on his bike, John realized he had forgotten his helmet.
He knew the cops would catch him when they saw this and that he'd have to bribe his way out of a heavy fine.

S...

A bus driver was heading down a street. He went right past a stop sign without stopping. Next he turned left where there was a "no-left turn" sign. Finally he went the wrong way down a one-way street. He didn't break any traffic laws. How?

He was walking.

A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly.

It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.

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A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

I really don't understand why people like traffic jams...

But apparently they are lining up for it.

What do British people do when there is a traffic jam at a roundabout?

They form a Q.

What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don't look! I'm changing!

As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside yelled: “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!”

To which the vicar shouted back: “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done.”

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UK reports 22% increase in testicular cancer diagnosis this quarter, despite the NHS being heavily understaffed. Healthcare data analysts are still looking for the cause.

And in other news PornHub sees huge rise in internet traffic since lock-down was announced in march.

A man gets into a taxi at JFK

And asks the driver to head to the corner of 74th and Amsterdam.

The driver takes off at top speed, flying around cars. He approached a light just turning yellow and never lets off the gas.

The passenger asks the driver, "Wow, you didn't even blink at that yellow."

"Yeah, I ha...

A police sergeant asks the new constable to see him in his office.

"Alright constable," said the sergeant. "Can you please explain to me why you have not booked any traffic offences in the two weeks since you have been here?"

"Well you see sir, every time I pull up a car, no matter the offence, I barely finish introducing myself before they take off."
...

Did you hear about the depressed traffic jam?

It was really bummer-to-bummer.

A duck was standing by a busy roadside, waiting for a break in traffic as cars went roaring by.

A chicken walks up and says, "Don't do it, bud. You'll never hear the end of it."

There is a large traffic jam in Washington DC

A man gets caught in a huge traffic jam in DC. While sitting motionless on the road a man approaches him on foot. The man rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.

“The whole capitol is in chaos, armed men have stormed the Capitol Building and are holding congress hostage, they say they...

An Irishman was in New York patiently waiting to cross a busy street.

There was a traffic cop manning the crossing.

The cop stopped after a few minutes and told those waiting to cross the road, ‘Okay pedestrians’, he said, ‘Let’s go’.

The Irishman stood waiting, growing more and more frustrated. After five minutes he shouted to the cop, ‘Here! The pedest...

I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.

Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.

...

Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.

Do any of you fellow Redditors post jokes while driving in traffic?

I normally don't, but I was just wonderkjtivnodoijhgh

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Nuns, Groceries, and Traffic Cops: (Religion) (NSFW)

There was once a young Nun in training. As she was new to her convent, her job was to do the grocery shopping every week.
One week, she asks to be excused from this duty, as she ends up being stopped by the police every time and it's getting on her nerves.
"Are you speeding? Staying in the rig...

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

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A car full of Irish nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think ...

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Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road

When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ...

Why did the pachycephalosaurus cross into incoming traffic?

Because it was a total bonehead.

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What's the difference between a traffic light and a vagina?

With a vagina you can go on when it's red, but you should definately stop when it's green.

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

There was once a kind old bus driver who always tried to help out his community

A few days before he retired the bus driver saw a suicidal man who had jumped out into the middle of traffic.
Being the kind man he was he ran over to help, then backed up and ran over the guy again.

I rear ended a Dwarf at the traffic lights on the way to work this morning!

He jumped out of his car and stormed up to my window motioning for me to roll it down. He said, "I'm not Happy!"
I said, "Then which one are you?"

A Whistler

Don't know whether this joke is already posted. This was forwarded by my boss. Tho joke goes like,



A Professor started his class on a very serious topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the Whistler's ...

Traffic lights teach us that if you see a green man, you should start crossing the road.

So that's how I avoid environmentalists.

A man is stuck on the highway

A man is stuck on the highway, traffic is not moving at all. About an hour later a group of people come around and stop at every car for a talk.

Eventually they reach his car and tell him that the road is blocked because up ahead terrorists have stoped the presidents car and taken him hostage...

I think traffic lights might have a crush on me.

They always turn red when I’m around

I took a detour on the way home yesterday. Took me through 8 traffic circles,

but it got me where I was going, in a roundabout way.

What is the similarity between a pilot and an air traffic controller?

If the pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If the air traffic controller screws up, the pilot dies.

NASCAR is officially canceled

After discovering it's just a human traffic ring

A man traveling on business lands in Dublin.

He hails a cab and is on his way. As the cab is approaching a red traffic light it isn’t slowing down. The cabbie runs the red light, and the man says

“You know you just ran a red light”?

The cabbie replies “I don’t believe in red lights and neither do any of my 10 taxi driving brothe...

British Traffic

I do believe this is the correct sub

I got seriously rear-ended in traffic yesterday

Thank god i wasnt in my car

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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

A car gets a flat tire

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lif...

A hippy cut me off in traffic

I gave him the half peace sign

I hate sitting in traffic

I always get ran over!

Guy driving his Ferrari...

Driving well over 160 kph when a police chase ensues. The policeman chases the guy for close to an hour, weaving in and out of traffic. After a long, and to be honest, a quite exciting chase, the guy in the Ferrari finally pulls over.

The police officer, fresh off an adrenaline rush, approa...

A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic offence and when she asked what her job was, she said she was a teacher.

Judge: Ma'am, I have waited years for a teacher to appear before this court. Now sit down and write: "I will not run a red light 500 times."

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A Glaswegian joke that can be applied anywhere.

Three pieces of tarmac (asphalt for Americans) are in the pub at the end of the day.
One says, "I'm on the Great Western Road. You wouldn't believe what I have to go through every day! Cars, endless traffic, congestion, it'll make you pure mental!"
The next one says, "You think you're in a bad...

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Whats something you can say in a traffic jam and during sex?

"I better call my wife and tell her I'm gonna be home late"

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A man comes home bruised and fuming...

A man comes home bruised and fuming, and his wife asks him what's wrong.

"I got into a horrible traffic accident today, and the car is totalled. What's worse, I'm being sued."

"Oh no!" exclaims the wife. "What happened?"

"I had to swerve to avoid an asshole who was on his phone...

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.



"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister...

Two dinosaurs are involved in a traffic accident. The diplodocus spins off, but luckily comes to a stop on the verge without too much damage.

Unfortunately the Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

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One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light..

..And next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the ki...

A man is pulled over for speeding

A man is pulled over for speeding.

The officer says “Sir, did you know you were going 68mph in a 60 zone?”

The man replies “68? Uh, is there any way you could make it slightly higher? I... I think it would be funny to hear a judge say it.”
The very confused officer agrees to his r...

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A man is driving through Hartford, CT

he sees a bunch of orange traffic cones toppled over and strewn all over the road. It's not an isolated incident either. Everywhere in the city traffic cones are in utter disarray, like the construction crews just didn't give a shit and threw them anywhere, causing mayhem with the traffic

At ...

Bananas Are Like Traffic Lights...

Except the colors mean different things. You see... with a traffic light green means go, Yellow means be cautious slow down & red means stop. On a banana, green means hold up be cautious. Yellow means go ahead it’s okay! & red means where the hell did you get that banana.

My wife and I couldn't figure out the British term for a traffic circle.

We got the finally found the roundabout answer from researching about it in the library.

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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication

with a small twin engine aircraft.A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his...

A man is driving in the highway

When his wife calls him very saying "watch out, a crazy man is driving into oncoming traffic in the highway you usually take to work"

The man replies: "one? Everyone is doing it"

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

It was late at night .....

It was late at night and the police were out checking for erratic driving.

They spotted a car travelling alone along the dual carriageway and decided to follow it. The car never exceeded the speed limit, gave all the correct signals as it left the main road and when they ...

Day in court

In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A ...

90% of all traffic accidents are due to men. Do you know why?

Because they gave their wife the car key.

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An metropolitan Police officer gets demoted to Traffic duty in the middle of nowhere...

He’s furious about it. He sits in his car at the side of the highway, mumbling to himself angrily about his demotion, until he finally snaps. He turns on his lights and pulls over the first car that passes him. Slamming his door behind him, he marches up to the car and pounds on the window.
...

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much ...

A traffic cop pulled over a driver in who had been weaving erratically along the highway

Approaching the car, he said: ‘Sir, i need you to blow into a breathalyser.’
‘Sorry officer,’ he replied. ‘I can’t do that. I’m an asthmatic. If i do that, I’ll have a rally bad asthma attack.’
‘Well, then i need you to come to the station to give me a blood sample.’
‘I can’t do ...

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A man is stopped by an officer controlling traffic...

The officer is conducting the control rather rudely and is pedantic about the state of the car and the man starts to get annoyed. When the officer finally hands back his papers, the man asks: "would I get into trouble for calling an officer an asshole motherfucker?". The officer makes an angry noise...

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I stopped at the traffic lights and looked at the guy next to me.

It was on, I could see the fury in his eyes. I waited for the lights to change.

"Let's race," I mouthed to him.

Then the guy said, "stop fucking around and press the button."

Traffic in New York seems like a mass break up

No one is moving on

BREAKING NEWS

The inventor of predictive text was injured in a traffic accident.

He's been bacon by ambience to the horse piddle.

A truck carrying fruits accidentally spilled them all over the expressway

It caused a traffic jam

I showed up late for a Zoom meeting...

...when asked for a reason, I confessed: "You wouldn't believe the network traffic".

If I pray in traffic...

am I an idle worshipper?

A Calculus student is stuck in traffic...

After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's ligh...

With the beauty shop finally open after many weeks, there is a huge crowd of people all jostling for position to get in...

They really need a hair traffic controller.

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

My mother always complains about hitting traffic during rush hour.

I just think she needs to be a better driver.

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Wiping your ass is a lot like approaching a traffic light...

Red means stop.

A man parks his car. As he is getting out a traffic warden walks up and says, "I'm sorry sir, you can't park your car here." .....

...."Yes I can" says the man. "The sign there says, 'Fine for Parking'!"

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Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.


"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.


Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign abo...

An Israeli businessman accidentally sleeps through his alarm one morning.

Feeling the panic of waking up late, he throws on his suit as quickly as he can and rushes out the door to drive to work. As he begins the commute through the Tel Aviv rush hour traffic, he painfully watches the clock as his meeting starts without him.

Finally he pulls into his parking lot, ...

Who's the Best Traffic Signal Superhero?

Green Arrow

Edward Jack gets a job...

Edward Jack gets a job at an average-paying office. He’s popular among his co-workers, and his boss who speaks rough english. He fired a guy buy saying, “You no job good!” Since the boss can’t pronounce Edward well, he calls him E. Jack.

One day Edward woke up late, got stuck in traffic, and...

Air traffic control - Flight 417, please confirm your location, over

Pilot - This is Flight 417, we are in the sky, over

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shakes his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he says. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander.'"

A woman is driving for the 1st time on the highway

Her husband calls says: "Be careful love, It's just been on the radio, that someone is driving opposite to the traffic on the highway.."

She replies: "Someone...? These rascals are in hundreds!"

A man has been involved in a traffic collision

An officer walks up to him.

\- Who caused this?

\- I'm sorry sir, but I have no idea! I was looking in a different direction.

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