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Dangerous Jokes

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

C4

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

Most people think rattlesnakes and cobras are very dangerous...

but really, they're completely armless.

What’s more dangerous than running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

The Dangerous Pilot

A professional photographer is assigned to cover some of the wildfires that have been rampaging across a national park. His editor tells him to try to get some closeups of the fire fighters that are battling the wildfires.

When he gets to the forest, the photographer discovers thick smoke wh...

It’s statistically proven that having a ladder in your home is more dangerous than a loaded gun

that’s why I have 12 guns in case some maniac tries to sneak a ladder in here

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A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem"

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know, taking Viagra three nights in a row can be very dangerous. I will give them to you on the condi...

While on watch on the highway, a cop sees a car going really slow...

He believes underspeeding is just as dangerous as overspeeding, so he pulls the car over.

He walks upto the driver's window. Inside the car, he sees two old ladies in the front and three in the back.

The old lady who is driving asks the cop, "Why have you pulled me over, sir?"

...

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

a joke i thought of today, hope you enjoy

What's the most dangerous part of any church/chapel?
Pew! Pew! Pew!

Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"

I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

I still 100% stand behind Alec Baldwin..

Standing in front of him is too dangerous.

you know whose divorce will be most dangerous

Nuclear physicist coz the judge will split his assets..

My magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!!

0mg!!

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Why is aural sex so dangerous?

It can give you Hearing AIDS

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

Cold

A man woke up early and kissed his wife good morning and goodbye. He made a thermos of coffee and a thermos of hot soup as his car warmed up in the driveway. He packed his fishing gear and proceeded to drive out to the lake for some ice fishing.

As he drove down the road he realized ...

Dog

As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.

"Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"That’s him," comes the reply.

"He doesn’t look dangerous t...

What is the most dangerous job in Russia?

Opposition party leader.

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A woman was driving her buggy to town when a patrol officer stopped her.

“I'm not going to book you,” he said "but I just wanted to warn you that your rear reflector is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee,” replied the lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”

“And also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of the reins i...

I've heard rumors acid is dangerous.

Pretty sure they are baseless though.

Joseph Stalin Is Bored

To amuse himself he has a great idea.
He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him.

He organises a job at the local factory and starts work there.
He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch ...

How do you call a dangerous neighbourhood in Italy

"SpaGetto"

Sounds are very dangerous, you know?

If you listen to high frequencies, it really Herz.

Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender tells him to leave

Guy says the alligator is trained, and puts his hand in its mouth

Bartender still tells him to leave. Guy then puts his head in the alligator’s mouth. Bartender says the alligator is dangerous and he needs to leave.

In a final display, the guy unzips, puts his pecker in the alligator’s...

Why don’t dangerous criminals ever take photos of themselves?

Because they pose a threat

If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

>!501.!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.!<

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

>!You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.!<

So, the ...

Fitbit has recalled its Ionic smart watch, after finding out the battery can dangerously overheat

They admitted, this isn't what you're after when you're told to feel the burn.

Which part of Italy has no Jehovah's Witnesses?

Sicily. It's a really dangerous place for witnesses.

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do?

Living life on the edge.

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business

The steaks are high

No one tells you how dangerous stargazing can be.

I did it all afternoon and now I think I’m blind.

I know it's dangerous to steal from a kitchen supply store...

But when you've got cakes to bake, that's the whisk you take.

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

[Nsfw] Why are incels so dangerous?

Because you never see them coming.

What's yellow and dangerous

Shark infested custard

Why is grass so dangerous?

Because it's full of blades.

*bad dum tss*

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

Why was the flower so dangerous?

It had a concealed pistil.

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

Leafblowers are dangerous

Be careful! If you point a leaf blower upwards, it blows up.

Why are ninja farts so dangerous?

Because they are silent but deadly.

What is the most dangerous place to be after dark

A paper mill because you will get beat up to a pulp.

A blind man walks into a bar...

He finds a stool at the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

After a few sips he beckons for the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "Sure, but before you do tell it, you should know there's a massive bodybuilding world champion sitting n...

Who was the most dangerous president?

Ronald Ray-gun

Road trip

Grandma needed a ride to a family wedding in another state but refused to let anyone give her a ride because she had always heard that the roads were so dangerous.

Finally, her grandson convinced her that we would take her down a road that hasn't had any accidents on it in years and ever show...

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous

Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right

Dihydrogen monoxide is a dangerous chemical!

It leaves two many aching!

What is more dangerous than being with a fool ?

Fooling with a bee.

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

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Joe, Chris, and Adam go on a weekend hunting trip

As they are all sitting around the fire telling tall tales, cleaning their guns, and celebrating their successes, Joe suddenly finds himself overwhelmed by nature's call and strikes off into the woods to relieve himself.

Chris and Adam talk about everything and nothing and how their families...

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

What is the most dangerous vegetable?

Bruce Leek.

In a dangerous situation, I'd always put my children first.

I do this because I have a crippling habit of hiding behind my mistakes.

When are riptides dangerous?

Currently

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.

This is called finding the hippotenuse.

A police officer is sitting in his cruiser watching for speeding cars.

He sees a car puttering along at 10 km/hr and thinks "this car is almost as dangerous as a speeder" and pulls them over.

As he walks up to the car and little of lady driving rolls down the window and asks "is there something wrong officer?"

"Well, yes" says the cop "why are you driving...

I got my test results back. Turns out I was dangerously low on magnesium and potassium.

0MG 0K.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

The Sturgeon General told me that smoking is bad for your health

Sure it may be dangerous for him but it cures the fish

The republicans are right: It is a very dangerous precedent

Edit: Misspelled President.

What's the most dangerous job in Northern Ireland?

Valet.

Who is the most dangerous person to gamble with?

A beef rancher because they always raise the steaks

Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.

(From my 9 year old...)

Tightrope walkers do really dangerous things.

They put their lives on the line!

Apparently scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing.

The least dangerous are sweater vests. They’re completely armless

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

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Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

Diving is a dangerous industry.

It should be regulated.

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

I live in such a dangerous part of town that I don’t let my kids go out in the evening.

They might just rob someone.

Why is it dangerous to listen to too much Queen?

Because of its high Mercury content.

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

What did Grendel’s girlfriend say when a dangerous canine started to approach them?

“Look out, bae! A wolf!”

You know what’s more dangerous than a Pitbull with AIDS?

The man who gave it to him...

After hearing how dangerous Mexico is an American decided to see it for himself

He arrived there and went downtown with a deck of cards in his back pocket to see if anyone would attempt to rob him,
After walking around for 2 hours he noticed the deck of cards was still there.
He saw a homeless guy and came to him and said:
"well, people told me I was absolutely going t...

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

Too dangerous

There *used* to be a street called "Chuck Norris".



They had to build a bridge, and finally rename the street. No one crossed Chuck Norris and lived.

A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job

All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten

How to get revenge on your dangerous mexican boss

Steal his anxiety medication that stops hispanic attacks

A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar.

The barman says "why the long phase?"

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