A man had the most dangerous spider in the world, a Brown Recluse, stuck in his keyboard.

He called his wife about it.

"Hey honey, I have a venomous spider in my house!" He said.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" His wife asked.

"Yes, I have it under CTRL."

What’s way more dangerous than people think?

Living. It’s always fatal

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

Tightrope walkers do really dangerous things.

They put their lives on the line!

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly t...

How to get revenge on your dangerous mexican boss

Steal his anxiety medication that stops hispanic attacks

Do you know what happened to the man who reported on dangerous weather, but his reports started to tell people to farm?

His warnings went amish.

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As a rancher, I'm here to tell you that constipated male cows are THE most dangerous...

...no bullshit.

Who is the most dangerous person to gamble with?

A beef rancher because they always raise the steaks

I finally saw that Wonder Woman movie from a few years back. I think it's really dangerous to let the kids see it.

It could give them the impression that DC movies are good.

Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.

This is called finding the hippotenuse.

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A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

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Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

What did Grendel’s girlfriend say when a dangerous canine started to approach them?

“Look out, bae! A wolf!”

Why is it dangerous to listen to too much Queen?

Because of its high Mercury content.

You know what’s more dangerous than a Pitbull with AIDS?

The man who gave it to him...

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low.

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low. He pulls over at the next gas station he sees, and while his gas is being refilled, goes into the station to get a drink.

He picks out a drink, and as he is buying it, notices a sign that re...

A dangerous pun...

Two Mexicans got lost in the desert.

Juan says to Miguel.

'look, Miguel, it is a bacon tree!'

'Don't be silly Juan it is a mirage, do not waste your energy!'

'miguel, I am so thirsty and hungry I must go and investigate,'

As Juan approaches two men jump out and sho...

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

Who is D.C. Movies most dangerous villain?

Mr. Reboot

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

Deep sea diving is so dangerous.

I just can’t fathom it.

An old drunk walks in the the toughest biker bar. He immediately Scans the crowd until he find the toughest biker in the bar

The guy is a Monster or a man and looks very dangerous. The old drunken man sits down on a bar stool next to him and says loudly, “Hey buddy! Hey! Tough guy! Why don’t you buy me a beer before I go home and go bang your mom!”

The crowd goes silent; they know this biker has killed for far les...

I tried to convince my friend that influenza is more dangerous than coronavirus, but failed.

I provided a lot of evidence, but it all just flu over his head.

What is the most dangerous animal in the world?

A sneezing bat!

Quarantine time is so dangerous for me,I got so friendly with my wife..

That i almost confided the relationship problems with my girlfriend....

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in...

Did you know that it's dangerous to drink a lot of tea?

A Native American did this once and drowned in his Tea Pee.

Not my joke but thought it was funny.

Those 13-19 yo people in the corona virus outbreak are always outside the house and it's annoying and dangerous.

Like, can you please go into quaranteen?

Police have just received info about a dodgy doctor performing dangerous circumcisions

There must have been a tip off

Lighting your farts can be dangerous..

..but the risk is "Just a fire ball"

Vodka with ice damages kidneys, rum with ice damages liver, gin with ice damages heart and whisky with ice damages brain.

Why is Ice so dangerous?

After hearing how dangerous Mexico is an American decided to see it for himself

He arrived there and went downtown with a deck of cards in his back pocket to see if anyone would attempt to rob him,
After walking around for 2 hours he noticed the deck of cards was still there.
He saw a homeless guy and came to him and said:
"well, people told me I was absolutely going t...

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Three religious bi-curious dudes are driving down a dark and dangerous road

As they speed along they're comparing the lewd details of their same sex encounters when they all suddenly die in terrible crash.

When they arrive at the gates of Heaven they see Saint Peter waiting for them with a welcoming smile.

As they approach Saint Peter says to the first man. "W...

What do you call a dangerous precipitation?

Rain of terror

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed
it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your
leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd cal...

Why is a crow bar the most dangerous place to be?

There always the scene of a murder.

You know in the past I made jokes about Americans, but now that's getting too dangerous for me...

When they fire back it's lethal.

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Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street

when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"...

Well, a father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia

So upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo he asked: "Daddy what is this animal called?"

"Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it's called a dangerou." answered dad.

The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a ...

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The moonshine, the pitbull & the old lady.

John walks into a bar. As he orders a beer he sees a jar filled with 100$ bills on the counter. The bartender tells him that in order to win the jar of money, he has to complete 3 challenges, but the entry fee is 100$.

After some thinking, he decides to enter the contest. The bartender t...

I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food

After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.

Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous

Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right

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I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

I didn’t realise how dangerous it was to have a dyslexic boss.

Until I got fried.

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

A prophet in france

There was a prophet in France during the reign of king Louis XI who predicted the death of one of his advisors eight days before the advisor died.

The king decided that the prophet was too dangerous to be left alive and called on his royal guard

"Grab this prophet and bring him to me."...

Why is it dangerous to be in a car with a nun driving?

They’re not afraid to die and go to heaven

Distracted driving can be very dangerous

It can hit you when you leas

A mathematician starts to get dangerously underweight, so he goes to the dietitian.

The dietitian diagnoses him with anorexia and tells him to try to eat three square meals a day.

Well, now he's dangerously overweight.

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

Why was the bathroom play set considered dangerous?

Because the toilet things on fire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Grab your stuff. We're going to Pakistan."

...a guy tells friend.

"Really? Just like that we're going to Pakistan? I don't have the time for that."

"Oh c'mon. It'll only take a few minutes."

"What?! And anyways, isn't dangerous over there right now?"

"Nah...I mean, she's pissed, but I don't think she's dangerous."...

leaf blowers are dangerous in battle

i hear they’re leaf-al

I think it’s getting more and more dangerous to drive even though cars are getting smarter.

Seems like every time I look up from my phone someone is trying to run into me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

Everyone jumps out of there chairs and spills there drinks in shock.The man proceeds to take a seat when the bartender walks up to him and says "Sir,you aren't allowed to bring a dangerous animal in here".

The man says to the bartender "Oh don't worry about him,he isn't dangerous,here let me ...

What’s the most most dangerous bridge in the world

The bridge named chuck Norris because nobody crosses it and lives

What do you get when you cross scissors and Flex Tape?

Something that’s fun to make, disappointing to watch, and dangerous to keep.

A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar.

The barman says "why the long phase?"

Why is a dictionary dangerous?

Because it has dynamite in it.

My alarm system kept breaking down

The alarm system kept breaking down so, instead of repairing it I decided to get a guard dog instead.

I went to the pet store and the shopkeeper showed me a lot of breeds to choose from. A Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, A Doberman, but there was this one tiny little pug that caught my eye. I...

What do you call a duck on dangerous substances?

A quack-head

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

Avoid dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

The weatherman said that it could be dangerous being in the sun today

I don’t know how he thinks I’m going to get there.

A drunk driver is dangerous, everyone knows that.

But so is a drunk back seat driver, if he's persuasive.

"Dude make a left!"

"Those are trees..."

"Trust me."

What is the most dangerous thing that can happen in the kitchen?

A counter-attack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the doctors office

I went to the doctors office due to a strange abdominal pain. My doctor adviced me to stop masturbating. "Is it dangerous?" I asked. "No", said the doctor " but it disturbs my concentration".

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?

Because if you add 4 plus 4, you get ate

What do you call a group of rabbits

A nest

What do you call a group of birds
A flock

What do you call a group of Lions
Dangerous

What's more dangerous than running with the scissors?

Scissoring with the runs

They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most dangerous race in the world?

The Dakar Rally, you racist motherfuckers.

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