An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

What do you call a dangerous precipitation?

Rain of terror

I didn’t realise how dangerous it was to have a dyslexic boss.

Until I got fried.

Visitor: My favorite part of the zoo is the cage that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just a mirror in it

Zookeeper: Yup, thought-provoking stuff. \*Whispering into phone\* The leopard's escaped again

You know in the past I made jokes about Americans, but now that's getting too dangerous for me...

When they fire back it's lethal.

Why is it dangerous to be in a car with a nun driving?

They’re not afraid to die and go to heaven

What is black and white, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous?

a cow with a machine gun.

Distracted driving can be very dangerous

It can hit you when you leas

A mathematician starts to get dangerously underweight, so he goes to the dietitian.

The dietitian diagnoses him with anorexia and tells him to try to eat three square meals a day.

Well, now he's dangerously overweight.

I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food

After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.

My doctor told me that I have a tumor. When I asked if it was dangerous, he told me that it was somewhere between B8 and B10.

I didn’t understand, so then he narrowed it down and said the tumor was B9.

leaf blowers are dangerous in battle

i hear they’re leaf-al

Why was the bathroom play set considered dangerous?

Because the toilet things on fire.

I think it’s getting more and more dangerous to drive even though cars are getting smarter.

Seems like every time I look up from my phone someone is trying to run into me.

You know, considering how dangerous autoerotic asphyxiation is...

Partakers never know whether they're coming or going!

What’s the most most dangerous bridge in the world

The bridge named chuck Norris because nobody crosses it and lives

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

What do you call a duck on dangerous substances?

A quack-head

Why is a dictionary dangerous?

Because it has dynamite in it.

A drunk driver is dangerous, everyone knows that.

But so is a drunk back seat driver, if he's persuasive.

"Dude make a left!"

"Those are trees..."

"Trust me."

Diving is a dangerous industry.

It should be regulated.

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I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

The weatherman said that it could be dangerous being in the sun today

I don’t know how he thinks I’m going to get there.

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I'm scared of aggressive anal sex

Because it's dangerous ass fuck.

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A man escapes from prison...

where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in the...

What’s the most dangerous thing you can be asked in Los Angeles, Liverpool, and Manchster?

Are you a blue or a red?

Avoid dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar.

The barman says "why the long phase?"

Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous

Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right

They said swallowing food colouring is dangerous.

That’s because it might make you dye.

What is the most dangerous thing that can happen in the kitchen?

A counter-attack.

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

Pandas are dangerous

The unusual story of a panda:



One day, a panda carrying a violin case enters a restaurant. There, he orders some food, and when he had finished, he opened the violin case, took out a machine gun and killed everybody but the manager (wow that's violent). The manager ran up to him and a...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

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Naked farts are dangerous than dressed up farts

Since there won’t be nothing to hold your shit together

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?

Because if you add 4 plus 4, you get ate

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I don't like sex in the shower.

It's slippery, dangerous and one of the worst things about prison.

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What's the most dangerous race in the world?

The Dakar Rally, you racist motherfuckers.

Restaurant toilets are so dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

What is dangerous?

Sneezing while having diarrhea!

Dangerous dating

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately...

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

Life is like a box of chocolates

It’s more dangerous if it’s made in China

What's more dangerous than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy who gave him AIDS.

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Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I...

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Forest Man

A lowly farmer was farming and minding his own business when a worried neighbour came by to give him a warning.

"There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous"

The farmer shrugged and continued w...

I live in such a dangerous part of town that I don’t let my kids go out in the evening.

They might just rob someone.

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit.

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

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Sex can be really dangerous

You can get Herpes, Chlamydia, HIV or even worse.... a relationship.

What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

Most people are willing to admit that cults are dangerous.

Two jokes from the USSR

1. A guy walks in the phone booth and makes a call:
- Is this anonymic phone of KGB?
- Yes, comrade Piotr Trasevich, who lives in the hpuse no5 of Nevski avenue in St. Petersburg, has a wife, two kids, orange car and love affair, this is anonymic phone of KGB.

2. KGB agent brings a susp...

Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.

(From my 9 year old...)

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Why is it dangerous to walk in a dog park at night?

Because you can’t see shit.

Earth is dangerous

Did you know that Earth is the most dangerous planet in the Universe, 100% if human deaths takes place on earth

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

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Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

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Phone sex is dangerous...

you could get hearing AIDS

I dreamed last night I was offered a job in a flying slaughterhouse as a butcher. The weird thing is that it would be in a 747, while in flight, so that deliveries to supermarkets were always as fresh as possible. The pay would be phenomenal, but the work extremely dangerous.

In the end, I turned down the offer.

*I simply felt that the steaks would be too high*

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

What's more dangerous than running with the scissors?

Scissoring with the runs

A dangerous looking space ship comes down to earth

The aliens take over all radio, tv and other technologies to broadcast a message

Alien: “we are a dangerous species from the planet Pluto”

-
-
-
-

*all humans start to chuckle under their breath*

Studies show that owning a ladder is 10 times more dangerous than owning a gun.

That’s why I own 10 guns. In case some maniac trys to come at me with a ladder.

You're on a horse galloping at a constant speed...

On your right is a sharp drop off and on your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is another horse but you're unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the other horse in front of you.

What must you do to esca...

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.

They often had to wear mail armor.

A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job

All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten

Insect is a dangerous word to type with autocorrect on

I just told my boss that I love incests and invited her to see my collection at home.

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

Alcohol and cigarettes have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous, and destroy lives.

And yet women are allowed to just roam around.

It's actually really dangerous to steal kitchen utensils from bakeries.

But you just have to be willing to take the whisk

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A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

A man finally decides to give contact lenses a try...

An Ontario man finally decides to get rid of his glasses and give contact lenses a try. He gets them in the mail, tries them on and is astounded at the results. To celebrate, he decides to take a long drive into Quebec to admire the changing leaves.

He crosses the border and gets very excited...

Apparently Kim Jong Un supervised the testing of a new missile weapon system.

I don't know, but it seems quite dangerous to have missiles being fired Un-supervised.

On the first day of preschool, kids are taught how to play Simon Says

After you graduate high school and get a job, you find out your boss is Simon and you got duped into going to school for 10 years when you learned all you had to know on your first day of preschool.

Frustrated, you go back to your high school teacher to learn something useful for once, "Teach...

The most dangerous thing about the World Cup being held in Russia

is ensuring the Kremlin doesn't eat after midnight

A question asked to the Olympic boxing team regarding the dangers of their sport.

10% responded that boxing is dangerous to health, the remaining 90% did not understand the question.

A missionary is treading the dangerous jungle...

He's been walking for weeks and has suffered mosquitoes, mud slides, leeches, dysentery and of course the unbearable heat and humidity. He's exhausted but in a few days he'll reach his destination.

Suddenly, a huge tiger leaps up from the bushes right in front of him. She's clearly hungry and...

Golf is a dangerous sport

My wife returned home from a round of golf and said she’d been injured. She told me she’d be hit between the first and second holes.

To which I replied: “That doesn’t leave much room for a bandaid!”

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Why are black people afraid of chainsaws

because they're dangerous

What's the most dangerous Caribbean food?

Ricin peas.

My wife wants to move

because this neighborhood is getting dangerous. Someone broke into our home yesterday, they didn’t take anything, but they did leave a dead bird inside.

If I'm ever traveling near Loch Ness or Sasquatch's lair, I will carry a camera to be safe.

It is a documented fact that these dangerous monsters have never approached anyone who had a camera.

Reading between the lines is dangerous

A train could run you over

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A hot schoolgirl is dangerously close to flunking class...

...so she tells the teacher : "I'd do anything for a good grade". The teacher whispers into her ear : "Anything ?" She replies : "Yes, anything". With a seductive smile he says : "Well then, sit down and start studying, you lazy fuck!"

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