A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.

He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.

“Do you know why I pulled you over, ma’am?”

“No I do not,” she replied sweetly. ...

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did y'all hear about that cop that got caught smoking weed and masturbating in his patrol car?

Apparently he was a high wanking officer.

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...

"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many ...

An electron was pulled over by the quantum state patrol...

The officer walked up to the car and said, "do you know how fast you were going?" To which the electron responded "no, but I know where I am!"

A soldier is on patrol in Afghanistan...

He comes upon an Afghan farmer at his farm.

"How is everything here on your farm? Are you treating your animals well?"

"Yes," replies the Afghan, "very well."

"Great," says the soldier. He looks over and sees a cow in the barn.

"You mind if I ask the cow how you're trea...

U.S Border Patrol

Putting the panic in Hispanic

Why does the american border patrol guard take Xanax?

To stop hispanic attacks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Officer is on patrol in L.A.

When he sees a driver fail to stop at a Stop sign.
He chases after the guy and pulls him over.

Officer: "Sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "No."
Officer: "You failed to stop at the Stop sign back there."
Driver: "I slowed down, what's the big difference...

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where...

Canadian wildfire from BC turned back at USA border by customs and boarder patrol.

Upon admitting to smoking "fields of marijuana" on its way to the border, the fire was denied entry, and banned for life from entering the US.

A Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

He starts the stop by asking the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer pr...

There was a group of US Border patrol agents...

There was a group of US Border patrol agents manning the border. After a couple months of catching people trying to enter the country, they started to notice something.

The Mexicans would always come in groups. Often it was four or five people, sometimes it would be just two. However, there...

A Mexican gets caught by a border patrol agent..

The border patrol agent says to the Mexican,
"If you can put these 3 words in a sentence I will let you go. The words are green, pink and yellow."

The Mexican thinks for a second,
"The phone goes green green green, I pink it up and I say yellow."

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took...

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a...

bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five diff...

A police officer is doing his patrol when he sees two men arguing.

He goes to approach, when suddenly it gets physical. The first man throws a packet of sodium chloride at the second, and the second responds by throwing a bunch of 9 volts at the first.

The officer arrests them for a salt and battery.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Texas Patrol...

Two red necks are speeding through Texas. They fly by a Texas patrol officer who hits the cherries and pulls them over.
The cop approaches the driver who rolls down his window and drawls a defiant- "Whaaat?"
Without saying a word, the officer puts out his baton and whacks the guy in the face...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

LONG: Border Patrol at the Ranch (Cursing)

Once, my Grandfather and I were outside working on a tractor when a Border Patrol Agent comes screaming up the road to a sliding stop right in front of the barn.

A short little man gets out and walks up to Granddad and says, "Sir. I'm Officer Carson. We've had a report that you are using ille...

A border patrol officer stops a Mexican immigrant...

...on his way in to the U.S.
He says to the Mexican: "If you can make a whole sentence using the words Green, Pink and Yellow, Ill let you in with no delay"
The Mexican pauses to think for a few minutes then replies: "The phone goes Green-Green, I Pink it up and I say Yellow"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Superman is flying around on patrol,

when he sees Wonder Woman nude on a rooftop. She is squirming and moaning. Superman says to himself, "I can fly down there and fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know it." So he flys down, gives a few good pumps and flys away. Wonder Woman pops up and screams, "What the fuck was that?" The Invisible...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

What kind of dogs will patrol the Trump wall?

Border Collies!

I just came up with this after not sleeping for 30+ hours. Sorry for the cheesy goodness.

WW2 pilot recalls a morning patrol in front of son's school class

A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with a story ...

A policeman on patrol calls his fellow cop on the station...

COP 1: Hey, I got a weird case over here


COP 2: What is it buddy?


COP 1: Im here at the front porch of an elderly couple's house


COP 2: So?


COP 1: Someone called me to go to this house because they heard shouting and stuff. And you wouldn't believe what ha...

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien

"Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." He tells him.

 

The mexican man pleads with the officer, "No, nooo, pleeze Senior, I must stay in te USA! Pleeeze!"

 

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to m...

A highway patrol officer pulls a car over for going too slow on the interstate.

A highway patrol officer pulls a car over for going too slow on the interstate and, stepping up to the window, finds it to be occupied by two little old ladies.

The driver is calm as ever, but the woman in the passenger seat is shaking violently.

The officer looks to the driver and sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Heard this on the 80s movie "Night Patrol" : What do you call two cows masturbating?

Beef Strokinoff.

I see a border patrol car drive by...

So I ask my mexican co-woker if he has his visa. He looks at me cofused for a minute then says "no no I only have debit card" (true story)

A tall Mexican is riding his bike across the border when stopped by border patrol...

The officer stopped him asked him a few questions.

Officer: Are you smuggling anything into the country?

Tall Mexican: Ches.

The officer searched him and did not find any cheese. After a few more questions the tall Mexican was bussed back to Mexico.

The next week the s...

So there is a rookie cop out on his first day on patrol...

He is partnered with a veteran cop to show him the ropes. They pull over a blond for speeding. The veteran cop says
"I want you to go up to the window and undo your fly."
"Why would I do that?!" exclaims the rookie.
"Just trust me, do it." assures the veteran.
So the rookie cop walks up ...

The Australian border patrol is so good...

they even stop the good internet from reaching Australia.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman was driving her husband in the country when she was pulled over by highway patrol.

The officer stepped out of his car and quizzed the old woman.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"
"What did he say?" said the woman to her husband.
The husband shouted "He says you were speeding."
The officer then asked "May I see your license?"
"What did he say?" said the old wo...

A police officer and a hot blonde

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for spee...

You'd think the police would patrol this 'Knifepoint' place more carefully...

Especially with all the rape and robberies that are committed there.

A man from the US goes to the Canadian Rockies in order to hike.

However, he encounters a grizzly bear. He is instantly frightened. By some miracle, he manages to survive, and decides to keep the bear claws as a trophy. Finished with his hike, he decides to go back to the US. As he drives to the border, he realizes that he needs to hide the claws in fear of poach...

A man is riding on a bus.

Highway patrol pulls the bus over and orders him to get down.

The band "Snow Patrol" walks into a bar...

The band "Snow Patrol" walks into a bar, looking a little tipsy.

The bartender asks, "How many bars have you folks been to, tonight?"

They reply, "Just two."

The bartender says, "GET OUT!!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was driving home late one night,on a lonely road and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander...

He says to himself, "Ya know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there's no one around for miles."

He pulls over to the side of the road, picks up a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it and begins to do the pumpkin. Very shortly he is really into it and does...

There was a highway cop

... and he was sitting in his patrol car on the side of a highway, with his speed gun, doing the same thing he does every day: watching the law abiding citizens drive past obeying the speed limit.

A yellow car goes past.

A red car.

A white van.

A green car.

A black...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was pulled over for speeding.

A man was late for an important function and was speeding a good 25 mph over the speed limit when a state trooper pulled him over.

Officer: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

Man: I guess so officer, I knew I couldn’t outrun the law forever. The gun is in my glove compartment, a k...

The Pope goes to New York.

He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?''
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, ''I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.''
But the pope pers...

Good, Better, Best

GOOD:



A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read, “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.”

The officer later found a young accomplice ...

Hindsight

A husband and wife were living in Colorado. He enjoyed outdoor activities and loved going snow skiing in the wintertime. She was a bit of a homebody and preferred a quiet afternoon with a book.

One weekend in February, after a few hours of pleading, the husband convinced his wife to drive up ...

An Australian sergeant seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

An Australian sergeant got seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

When he arrived, most of the men were away sweeping a neighbouring region.

But a Security Patrol still guarding the base was out close by when it came under unexpected and intense attack.

All rem...

Two couples decided to go camping one weekend...

so they pick out a nice little area to set up camp. What they didn't realize is they set up camp on a Native American reservation. Not only that, they only brought one small tent!

So after setting up camp and having a delicious fish dinner the couples decide to hit the hay for the night but t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipp...

I used to be a cop..

I'm on the job six weeks. Barely out of training floaties. I'm on foot patrol. It's a little before midnight. I clock this beat up Plymouth with Jersey plates, parked under the bridge. Trusty flashlight I walk over, I rap on the glass. In the backseat, there's a girl doing her homework. In the front...

The Ship’s Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship:
“Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

A bank robber and her husband were being chased by the police

In order to shake off the heat, the couple rushed into a Victoria's secret to blend in with the crowd and hide.

By the time two officers had shown up, the weird looks and perfume that everyone was berating them with were inc...

I witnessed the weirdest arrest today.

I walked into an Arco and noticed 2 officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. Moments later, the woman's arm caught on fire.

She swung her arms frantically seeking help. The officers put her on the ground and successfully put the fire out with their coffee.
Then they ...

Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK". He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks hi...

Blonde Logic

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all wanna be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
...

Mad-Dog’s Lady

A rough pack of tough bikers were out for a scoot in the hill country in central Texas. Pulling into Austin, they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off Pennybaker bridge. Mad-Dog, their leader, gave the hand signal to pull up. Mad-dog, a big burly man with skin like leather, a handle bar mustache,...

A German is visiting France.

The border patrol officer asks, "name?"

Hans Mueller.

"Occupation?"

No, just visiting this time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.

When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.
The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't...

Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Guy Walks Down The Street One Evening...

... when he walks around a corner and finds some hookers working the streets. He decides that he's horny and it's dark enough, he might as well, so he gets the first one and takes her behind a bush next to the road.

A policeman doing foot patrol stumbles upon them a few minutes later, shines ...

The New Army recruit

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."

The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down th...

I've heard of this "shipping" so I tried it with 2 people

I got arrested by border patrol for human trafficking.

There was a king.

He was having a problem with barbarians in his kingdom, so he began sending guards to patrol the roads at night.

One of his nobles sent some of his city guard to help with the efforts, and a fool to keep the king's mood up.

The king was polite, but full of pride, so he sent the guards ...

A man is driving down the freeway when the traffic comes to a standstill...

He looks ahead to see what the problem is and notices an overturned truck. When he gets a better look, he notices that it's a truck that was filled with penguins who are now all waddling around the freeway.

He sees two police officers frantically trying to shepherd the penguins to safety and...

A Christian, an Atheist, and a Muslim met at the DMV

They decided to have a contest to see whose belief system was best. Each of them would drive 10-15 miles over the speed limit everywhere they went and whoever could use their beliefs to get out of a ticket would be the winner. They agreed to meet up again next month.

A month later they reco...

A young Private

A new Private arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told by the Armory Sergeant that resources are stretched thin and they have no rifles to give him, but they still expect him to go on patrol. He asks the Sergeant what he should do if he has to fight? The Sergeant ...

An officer, a gentleman and a penguin.

One day a man is walking down a London street when he comes across a penguin. Not sure what to do, he picks up the penguin and continues his journey. A police patrol spots the man,
"What are you doing with that penguin!?" the officer asks
"I don't know...I just found it standing in the middle ...

The Pope is in the back of a limo.

He strikes up a conversation with the driver. "This is a pretty nice limo. You know, I can't even remember the last time I drove a car. It must be at least forty years." The driver, wanting nothing but to please his high holiness, offers to let the Pope drive for a while. The Pope, wide eyed, imm...

NSFW: A husband and wife went to the lake.

The husband comes home for lunch after fishing all morning and the wife decides she wants to go on the lake and relax while she reads her book. About 30 minutes later, the lake patrol stops beside her boat. He says, mam I need to see your fishing license. She said that was silly, you can obviously t...

Two Mexicans are making an attempt to cross the U.S. border.

A border patrol agent spots them and yells out, "HEY, what do you think you're doing??"

One responds, "We're invading America!"

The agent says, "Just the two of you???"

"No, we're the last two. The rest are already there!"

-Props to John Cleese

An old man has finally retired and just bought a new sports car...

As he leaves the dealership and pulls onto the interstate, he begins to accelerate. As he passes 80mph he passes a highway patrol. The lights instantly come on. He puts the accelerator to the floor and speeds up, 90, 110, 120mph...

He finally let's off and asks himself what he's doing as he ...

true story

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the ...

"Have a good day, sir"

He got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the hig...

Typical wife behavior

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.

When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fas...

The language of Heaven

(Mind you, I got this joke from a Russian)

A policeman is walking around on patrol when he spots an older gentleman sitting on a bench outside Vladivostok train station. The man on the bench seems to be muttering intensely to himself. Curious, the policeman walks up to him and asks:

"G...

Three men were driving through a desert while on vacation

when all of a sudden the car breaks down.
The three men get out to see what the problem is only to find out the engine block cracked so they agree that they have to go find help and to meet back at the car by nightfall.
They all go to the trunk of the car to see if they have any provisions for...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Jonny and Uncle Ted

A classroom of elementary school students were discussing morals to stories one day. The teacher completed the lesson and with a few minutes left in the class asked, "does anyone have any stories with morals that they would like the share?" Kids hands shot up and the teacher pointed to Suzzy.
...

Two female K9 handlers

Two female K9 dog handlers are on the patrol and one says "I'm cold. I left my underwear at the Police HQ"
The other one says "let the dog have a sniff of your crotch and he'll fetch them."
The dog returned 20 minutes later with her underwear, a truncheon, two vibrators and 4 of the Sgt's fing...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets pulled over by a cop...

So a guy gets pulled over by a patrol car. The cop approaches the car and explains that he pulled the man over for speeding.

"That's impossible," says the man, "I was using my cruise control, and was going exactly the speed limit."

The man's wife says, "Oh that's not true, the cruise ...

An old couple celebrate their 50th anniversary at a restaurant...

...that they used to regularly go on dates to. It was a particularly fancy establishment and a few drinks into their visit, the elderly husband stood from his seat, looks around and asks his wife, "Do you think we should go behind this place and relive our first time here, like against the fences?"<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer is returning home drunk..

A police officer returns home drunk in his car from a colleague's house. He is driving safely, until suddenly a patrol on the side of the road motions him to stop by for a check. He quickly draws out his badge, confident that his colleagues will believe it and says: ''Don't worry colleagues, I've dr...

Zoo

Two policeman on patrol see a man walking with a Gorilla. Of course, they stop to inquire. They ask, "So Buddy, what's up with the Gorilla?" The man replies, "I'm taking to the Zoo." Cops say "OK" be on your way. A day later the cops see the same man and gorilla....They stop. "Sir" the officer direc...

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman...

Join the crusades and have been caught in the Bazaars of Constantinople by the Saracen Army. Dodging in between the shops they spy an alleyway and dash down it. Seeing its a dead end they look for a place to hide. They notice three large wicker baskets they all jump in one and with baited breath wai...

An old woman was driving down the highway...

An old woman was driving down the highway at 35mph when a highway patrol officer pulled her over. He asked the woman if she knew why he pulled her over. She said "I have no clue, officer. I was obeying the speed limit..." The officer then replied with "Ma'am, you were traveling far too slow to be dr...

State trooper

A woman is driving through rural Pennsylvania when red and blue lights come on in her rearview mirror. The officer approaches the vehicle.

Officer: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?
Woman: Ya, you wanted to invite me to the policeman's ball!
Officer: Ma'am I am a Pennsylvania ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Voo-Doo Dick

A man about to go on an extended business trip decided to buy his wife a couple of toys as a surprise. He came home the night before his flight out with a sex toy called Voo-Doo Dick.

"Voo-Doo Dick?" his wife asked. "What is that?"

"You'll see," he smirked. "Just have fun. It's special...

Robbers in the Carport

I translated this German joke for you. Sorry if there are some mistakes I gave my best.

A man wanted to go to bed and had to shut down the light on the porch. As he went to the Window where the light switch is he noticed that there are three guys robbing things out of his carport. The man qui...

The Mexican Magician

There was once a famous magician in Mexico lets call him Juan, Juan wanted to move to the U.S. but didn't have the money so he tried to sneak in.

While he was climbing the fence he was spotted by the border patrol, so he hid.

They told him he had until the count of Three to surrender...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sad Times

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend and fellow campervanner take his last, I was to honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motor...

Moscow cops

Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops patrol in threes?

One who can read, one who can write, and another to keep an eye on the other two "dangerous intellectuals".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Black Soldier vs. An Indian

Some black soldiers and an Indian tribe are in a war. A black solider has dug in and is on the front line in a foxhole. The Indian is out patrolling to make contact with the enemy. The two soldiers come across one another and hold their ground. There's obviously an inability to verbally communic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer was getting out of his BMW one day...

...when an 18 wheeler came by and ripped the door right off his car. He quickly called the police, and when a patrol car arrived he began a rant, screaming
"Cahps, cahps, look what they did to mah beemah!"

The cop replies "You lawyers are so materialistic! Haven't you noticed you left arm ...

Working Redditors: What is your favorite joke about your own profession?

Retired U.S. Air Force here and this is my favorite military joke:

The biggest difference between the branches of the U.S. Armed Forces is that if you give the order to **"Secure that building!"**

* The Army will kick the doors down, enter with weapons drawn, eliminate all hostiles...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two border guards

Two border guards are doing their final patrol of the night along the US-Canadian border. Half an hour before their shift is up, they hear some rustling along the path. They rush forward to check it out only to find a man who has committed suicide by hanging himself.


"Crap, the paperwork ...

In light of hurricane Matthew

A hurricane approaches Florida and evacuations begin as it will devastate the coast but one man decides to stay. He says to his neighbors "I believe God will save me". On the first day his floor is flooded and a little rowboat comes by and asks him if he wants to leave. He replies again "God will s...

So during World War 2, a lot of experiments took place on the front lines;

*Doctor Heinfeld*, a leading researcher in Engineering and Biology at the front, wanted to test a new mechanical heart he had engineered, and offered a clockwork heart he had engineered to a then-dieing solider, named *Hugo*, who took it without hesitation.

Later on, Hugo (now fully recovered...

Show and Tell with Grandpa Olie

A boy has brought his Grandpa Olie into class, to tell about some of his experiences as a pilot in World War II.

"Well," the old man begins, "I remember this one time, I was flying on patrol, when this one Fokker surprises me from behind!"

A few of the kids in the class start to snicke...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Magic Penis

A salesman was preparing to go on a long trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The clerk said, 'Well, I
don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many
weeks, except... the Magic ...

The Night's Watch can ramp up the number of new recruits by...

...ditching its archaic name in favour of something hip like Snow Patrol.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Mexicans riding a bicycle

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if th...

An officer routinely waits outside the bar...

An officer routinely waits outside the bar in his squad car on the weekends to get an easy catch on the drunk drivers. This particular night on his early patrols he passes a large group of regulars walking into the bar. He makes a mental note to come back and wait. A few hours later the officer pull...

My dog loves chasing cars

He was ecstatic when I told him I was taking him to see Snow Patrol in concert

An assortment of GoT puns (don't worry, no spoilers)

Note: I have not seen a single episode of GoT, nor have I read the books. All my knowledge is based off of what I hear in the news. Feel free to insert your "OP knows as much as Jon Snow" joke here.

So, here goes:

What should George R.R. Martin have called the Night's Watch? The Snow P...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gone Fishin'

An older cop towards the end of his shift was sitting on the side of a busy road with his radar gun trying to just make it through the day. As he's sitting there watching traffic, a young kid in a brand new BMW comes flying down the road past the cop. Knowing the routine, the cop turns on his lights...

A man was hauling some trash to the curb for pickup.

As per city ordnance, he had tied a green band to the bag of yard waste and a red band to the bag of recyclable waste. Some policeman on patrol stopped their cruiser and got out.

"Sir, you can't leave that there, it's in a bike lane."

"Ok officer, no problem, i'll just move it..."
...

Why is Diego's slogan "Go Diego Go"

It was the last thing his mother said before she got shot by the border patrol

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A clown late for the circus.

There's a big circus show going on in Dallas, Texas one evening. One of the clowns, however, is running late to the show. He quickly puts on his clown uniform, and jumps into his car. He floors the gas, traveling down the highway at breakneck speed hoping to get to the show in time.

Unfortuna...