How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”

Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being pers...

What do a subway perv and the person they're staring at having in common?

Theyre both thinking "I really want to get off right now"

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

What do you call a London subway train full of professors?

A tube of smarties.

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

So I went to Subway the other day

I ordered the usual, roast beef with cucumbers, lettuce and Chipotle sauce.

When I got the sandwich, it was mouldy and looked like it had been used many times before, so I handed back to the employee who had made it.

He looked at it for a while before saying "oh yeah, this sub has a lo...

A monk walks into a Subway

“Welcome to Subway, what can I get you?”

The monk looks at the sign and says, “Make me one with everything.”

Why did the gnome take the subway to work?

Because a metro-gnome is always on time

How do you call a dog who works at a subway?

A subwoofer.

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my paycheck in my
pocket."

"Oh, really?" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth
raise you've had in the last half hour!"

Ladies call me Subway...

because I’ve got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

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A drunk, who smelled of stale beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

...

What's the difference between Elon Musk and Jared the Subway guy?

Elon wanted to put Thai boys into small objects, Jared wanted to put small objects into Thai boys.

TIFU by getting myself a sandwich from Subway instead of Firehouse Subs.

Wait, wrong sub

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The Musician's Suitcase

On their way to a classical music concert, a mother and daughter board the subway. “Look over there,” the mother says, “the man with the big suitcase. That’s the musician we are going to see in concert tonight!” Just as the mother speaks, the man reaches into his suitcase and pulls out a shiny violi...

Subway is a lot like prostitution.

You're paying someone else to do your wife's job.

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AITA For getting my daughter a turkey sandwich from subway instead of ham?

She asked for ham but she usually picks off the ham, so I thought I would get her turkey so she can try something new. Just wondering, if I am the asshole I understand.

A girl met a guy at the subway

G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place

B: awww... Are you single?

G: No I'm a dentist

I went to subway with my wife and asked the girl to make me a sandwich.

She said "no problem"
I turned to my wife and said "now, how hard was that?"

Why does Subway call its employees Sandwich Artists?

So you can finally say you are earning money as an artist.

A bully and his gang walk into a Subway store

He then sees the sandwich artist (that's what they are called) is a skinny, young, inexperienced kid- a perfect target to bully while ordering some subs. He walks up to the kid and starts his order of his 6-inch sub

The kid then proceeds to cut a footlong sub bread in half for a 6-inch sub wh...

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I had never woken up to a blowjob before

That is the last time I sleep with my mouth open on the subway!

A man walks into a Subway...

A man walks into a Subway and orders a meatball marinara, the worker then asks him
"Would you like a joke along with your meal today?"
To which the man replies
"I sure would"
The worker then leaves and comes back with a huge walnut, the man sighs of disappointment and takes the walnut, c...

Subway

A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.

A pianist performing in a subway terminal...

was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.

Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.

I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"

To wh...

My husband is like the New York subway...

He makes me angry, frustrated, and late for work but I still can't help but ride him every day.

Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball...

What did Jared from Subway get in his court sentence?

Free foot-longs for life.

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The subway guy wrapped my sandwich the same way I wrap up my penis before sex.

He didn't.

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Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

How did Jared from Subway lose weight?

He was ordering off the kids menu.

How do you get an elephant into a subway?

Take the “S” out of “sub” and the “F” out of “way”

TIL subway workers can get fired for messing up one sandwich.

Whoops, wrong sub.

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My dick is like a subway footlong

It never satisfies anyone

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

Why are Subway cooks called "Sandwich Artists"?

Even art majors deserve recognition

what do you call a dwarfish creature snapping along to a song in a subway?

a metrognome

Why was the pasta noodle kicked off of the subway?

They realized he was stroganoff

Overheard in a Subway the other day...

The Subway girl turned to the guy in front of me in the queue and said "Footlong?"

He answered, "Look lady, you're very attractive, but I'm not bending it in half for anybody"

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2 interesting facts about me

* 1) My dick is not as big as a footlong at Subway
* 2) I'm no longer allowed in Subway

I made a huge mistake

I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.

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Old man and a rainbow haired boy in subway.

i've heard it in russian, so i'll try to translate it.
So, once an old man take a ride in subway and was confronted by a young person with brightly colored hairs, piercings everywhere possible and torn cloths. So, the old man seats calmly and stares at boy. He noticed that and asks: "what are yo...

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When Jared from subway was a kid (long)

He was a larger boy, all of the schoolchildren would call him names. Jared would get mad but didnt know what to. This goes on for some time until Jared went to his school counselor. His couseler asks what the problem is. Jared explains how all the schoolchildren can not see past his weight and accep...

Subway is really upset about allegations concerning the meat in their subs...

They haven't been this worried about meat between buns since Jared was sentenced.

I should get a job at the Pentagon Subway

So I can say I build subs for the Pentagon.

TIL that you can be kicked out of Subway for taking a bite out of someone else's food.

Whoops, wrong sub.

What do me and Subway have in common?

We both lie about it being six inches

Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

What do Subway and I have in common?

We both advertise a healthy foot long, but it's really only 7 - 8 at most

I thought this guy on the subway was yawning.

Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.

Why did Jared from Subway call Boyz2Men?

He thought they had delivery service.

Took a girl with severe OCD to subway..

and bought her a footlong sandwich. With cat like reflexes and a crazed look in her eyes she quickly slammed the sandwich on the table and whipped out a tape measure from her purse.

"I need to see if this is actually one foot long!" she giggled like a nervous school girl.

She pulled ...

Two Italians are sitting in the NYC subway

One says to the other, "first Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come together, then I come again, then two asses again, then I peepee, and finally I come for the last time."

An old lady looks aghast at the two men and admonished them, "you're in the subway! Behave appropriately!"
...

Rich sheik's son studies abroad

The rich sheik's son is sent to Europe to study. After a month, he writes an e-mail to his father:

"Father,
I'm doing great here. My classmates are nice, the professors are great and the courses are well-structured and organized. There's one small thing though - I feel kind of embarrassed ...

Subway released their new kids menu.

They say it's Jared's favorite.

A hen walks into Subway

The sandwich artist says, "Sorry, we don't serve chicken."

Girlfriends are like subway seats...

You don't know how many homeless guys were in them before you came along.

Whats the average man got in common with subway foot longs ?

they're always a little smaller than they say.

What do men and Subway have in common?

They both exaggerate the length.

Kyiv subway. A middle-aged woman enters the train.

Young guy stands up from his seat and lets her sit down.

Woman: Young man, are you from Lviv?

Guy: Why do you think so?

Woman: You are the only one to give me a seat.

Guy: You are right, I'm from Lviv. And you must be from Donetsk.

Woman: Yeah. But how have you gue...

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An old man was riding the subway.

A young man was sitting across from him He had wildly spiked hair with streaks of color: blue, yellow, red, and purple.

The old man was staring at him intently, so the young man said, "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything out of the ordinary in your life?"

The old ...

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Two Italian men on the subway...

... were talking with thick accents. One says to the other, "First, Emma come. Then I come. Two asses. I come a second time, and, again, two asses. I come a third time, pee twice, and I come one last time.

A lady within earshot walks up and tells the guy speaking, "I think it's shameful the w...

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What do Betsy Devos and Jared from Subway have in common?

Both of their main goal is to fuck children.

I was craving some Indian food yesterday...

...So I went and got subway.

whats the difference between an old dirty subway and a lobster with breast implants

one is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean

So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?"

I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"

A man riding on a subway train is minding his own business when...

This whale of a woman approaches him and says in a haughty voice "If you were any kind of man you'd stand up and let someone else sit down!"
"Well madam" replies the man in a deadpan manner "If you were any kind of lady you would stand up and let three people sit down"

When Chumlee gets out of prison he should do a show with Jared from Subway. They should call it...

Child Pawn.

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I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today.

He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the fuck are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

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I tried to share a subway sandwich with a homeless man on the bus.

He kept telling me to fuck off and get my own.

I was sitting on the subway next to a fat guy and it got me thinking...

So I turned to him and asked "How can you let yourself get so fat? Isn't it hard to put that much weight on?"

"Nah, piece of cake."

Jared Fogle "the subway guy" was upset to be sentenced to 15 and 1/2 years in Prison today...

Funny because 15 1/2 years used to sound pretty good to him.

A man is sitting on the subway when suddenly he sees the only other passenger take out a roll of film and start eating it.

The man stares at him shocked for a while before deciding he has to say something, "But . .but isn't that awefull?" he asks.


The other passenger stops eating "Yeah, your right, the book was much better"

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A woman was masturbating furiously on the subway

The police were going to arrest her, but she got off.

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What's the difference between your mom and the subway?

Homeless guys have to pay $2.50 to jerk off on the subway.

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