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Ladies call me Subway...

because I’ve got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

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I took my wife to Subway today.

I asked the girl to make me a sandwich, She said no problem Sir.


I turned to my wife and said, "Now, how fucking hard was that?"..

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

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Know what the difference is between the NYC subway and our public bathrooms is?

We don't let the homeless piss in our public bathrooms.

A husband and wife and their ten kids are waiting to board the subway.

When the subway arrives, it is nearly full. The husband tells his wife "Honey, you should board this train with the kids, and I'll catch the next train." The wife does so, and the train departs with his wife and ten children.

While waiting for the train, there is an old man with a walker...

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Common misconception about New York, we don’t have 24 hour subway service.

We actually have 12 hour service because it doesn’t work half the fuckin’ time

Two doctors were at the subway station, heading for another work day

When they noticed an old man hunching and limping around.

— Poor guy - says one doctor — Yet another victim of sclerosis.

— Sclerosis? - asks the other one — I don't think so. That's clearly rheumatism.

— You can't be serious - replies the first one — How are you even a doctor i...

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...

My girlfriend wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you

So I took her to Subway

I was accosted by a bunch of perverts on the subway...

I had to beat them off.

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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

Ten Surprising facts doctors don't want you to know about subway tracks!

the 3rd one will shock you!

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

A deaf woman and a blind man are sitting on the subway

The deaf woman says to the guy: *sign language*

And the blind man says:

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Hiring a prostitute is a lot like eating at Subway

You pay someone else to do your wife’s job.

A guy is sitting outside on a bench, eating a burger...

when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.


She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him "You know, a cow died somewhere so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?"


As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies "It's a sham...

The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Why was the CEO of Subway distraught when his teenage daughter walked around with a brand new pearl necklace?

She went to Jared's

Subway is opening a sandwich making college in Alabama.

Everyone there is already great at making things inbred.

What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters?

Counter productive.

A drunk man boards a subway and sits next to a priest.

A drunk man boards a subway and sits next to a priest. The priest is disgusted to see his miserable condition and says, "You are going to hell". The drunk guy looks up frightened and says, "damn I got on the wrong train".

Did you hear about the one man band on the New York subway?

Probably not, he's an underground artist

What do you call a bunch of hoes on the subway

A train of thot

Subway

A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.

TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway

Whops, wrong sub.

A Subway sandwich maker has a very eccentric regular customer.

The eccentric customer always orders a tuna sandwich, but heavily modified, made with an extra cup of mayo, smothered in chili peppers, red peppers, onions, and pickles, then toasted until it's burnt. It looks and smells disgusting and the worker dreads it when he sees that customer come in.
...

I saw my ex working at subway the other day

So I stopped in and had her make me a sandwich, for old times sake.

What do my girlfriend and a Subway worker have in common?

Everything, my girlfriend recently got a job at Subway, I'm very proud of you sweetie

I was in Subway the Other Day

Ordering a foot long and I said to the girl behind the counter 'do you know what else is 12 inches?'
Before she could respond, I grabbed my crotch and said '4 of these!'

What do you call a musical garden figure who often rides the subway?

A metrognome.

Did you guys hear about Jared Fogle from Subways transformation?

He used to have mild cholesterol problems, but they turned into child molestoral problems.

Why was the man in the subway not taking notice of his surroundings?

He was in a train of thought.

Jared from subway was sentenced by the judge for 16 years in prison.

But he didn’t care, you know why

Because he was ok with anything under 18

What do a subway perv and the person they're staring at having in common?

Theyre both thinking "I really want to get off right now"

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A Blonde Walks into Subway...

She orders a simple footlong sandwich and goes to the register.

"That'll be $6.70," says the cashier.

The blonde tries to use the chip on her card, but it doesn't work.

So she tries it again, and still nothing.

Finally she tries to swipe and it does nothing.
...

A girl met a guy at the subway

G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place

B: awww... Are you single?

G: No I'm a dentist

My wife asked me to take her to one of those fancy restaurants where they prepare the meal in front of you. So I took her to Subway....

We're signing the divorce papers right now.

An interview at a subway

“Why do you deserve this job?” The interviewer asks.
“I’m an overachiever, the customer asks for no cheese, I give them extra cheese.” The interviewee responds

Jared from Subway was hired and fired for the exact same reason.

He loved to eat fresh

Subway makes all their sandwiches with love.

Now if they would actually put some meat in them...

TIL subway workers can get fired for messing up one sandwich.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I thought this guy on the subway was yawning.

Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.

What do you call a London subway train full of professors?

A tube of smarties.

So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?"

I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"

To the guy who coughed on me on the subway...

Edit: Thanks for the cold kind stranger!

A man was arrested today for assaulting a legless man on the subway.

Turns out he was lack toes intolerant.

Walking around Harvard, I saw a homeless man sleeping outside the subway...

...and they want you to pay $60k a year for this?

Subway stops are kind of my fetish.

It's just how I get off.

What do you call a Rat living in subway?

Underrated.

Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball...

What does Subway and Reddit have in common?

When you go to Subway, none of their subs have anything original in them either.

A monk walks into a Subway

“Welcome to Subway, what can I get you?”

The monk looks at the sign and says, “Make me one with everything.”

Murphy in London

Murphy found himself in the London underground subway station, at four o’clock in the morning. He walked along to the escalator, on the escalator it is written, “Dogs must be carried on the escalator.” he thought, “God, where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?”

Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

A pianist performing in a subway terminal...

was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.

Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.

I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"

To wh...

A dwarf on the subway was playing music with a perfect beat

He was a metro-gnome

What do you call smoking weed on the subway?

A hot boxcar.

How do you get a blue whale into a subway?

Take the 's' out of 'sub' and the 'f' out of 'way'.

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I tried to share a subway sandwich with a homeless man on the bus.

He kept telling me to fuck off and get my own.

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my paycheck in my
pocket."

"Oh, really?" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth
raise you've had in the last half hour!"

What do you call a fashionable subway system

Metro

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My dick is like a subway footlong

It never satisfies anyone

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The subway guy wrapped my sandwich the same way I wrap up my penis before sex.

He didn't.

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I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

So I went to Subway the other day

I ordered the usual, roast beef with cucumbers, lettuce and Chipotle sauce.

When I got the sandwich, it was mouldy and looked like it had been used many times before, so I handed back to the employee who had made it.

He looked at it for a while before saying "oh yeah, this sub has a lo...

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Two Italian men on the subway...

... were talking with thick accents. One says to the other, "First, Emma come. Then I come. Two asses. I come a second time, and, again, two asses. I come a third time, pee twice, and I come one last time.

A lady within earshot walks up and tells the guy speaking, "I think it's shameful the w...

Kyiv subway. A middle-aged woman enters the train.

Young guy stands up from his seat and lets her sit down.

Woman: Young man, are you from Lviv?

Guy: Why do you think so?

Woman: You are the only one to give me a seat.

Guy: You are right, I'm from Lviv. And you must be from Donetsk.

Woman: Yeah. But how have you gue...

How do you get an elephant into a subway?

Take the “S” out of “sub” and the “F” out of “way”

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AITA For getting my daughter a turkey sandwich from subway instead of ham?

She asked for ham but she usually picks off the ham, so I thought I would get her turkey so she can try something new. Just wondering, if I am the asshole I understand.

Why did it take so long for Atlanta to build a subway?

Talking about an underground railroad is still a sore subject around those parts.

A bully and his gang walk into a Subway store

He then sees the sandwich artist (that's what they are called) is a skinny, young, inexperienced kid- a perfect target to bully while ordering some subs. He walks up to the kid and starts his order of his 6-inch sub

The kid then proceeds to cut a footlong sub bread in half for a 6-inch sub wh...

What did Jared from Subway get in his court sentence?

Free foot-longs for life.

TIL that you can be kicked out of Subway for taking a bite out of someone else's food.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Subway is really upset about allegations concerning the meat in their subs...

They haven't been this worried about meat between buns since Jared was sentenced.

The Dalai Lama walks into a Subway...

Greetings, Sandwich Artist!

*Hello, sir. How can I help you today? *

I'd like a Chicken, Bacon Ranch sandwich. Footlong on Honey Wheat.

*Would you like that toasted? *

Yes, please.

*(Worker places sandwich in oven, pulling it out as it finishes the toasting) So ho...

Why does Subway call its employees Sandwich Artists?

So you can finally say you are earning money as an artist.

A pianist setup in a Subway terminal...

was playing beautiful music but suddenly stopped when this weird looking kid with a dunce cap leaves.

I didn't think much of it but the next day I was in the same area and the same thing happened: beautiful music until weird looking kid with dunce cap leaves.

I approached the accomplis...

What do men and Subway have in common?

They both exaggerate the length.

Subway released their new kids menu.

They say it's Jared's favorite.

Why did Jared from Subway call Boyz2Men?

He thought they had delivery service.

A man walks into a Subway...

A man walks into a Subway and orders a meatball marinara, the worker then asks him
"Would you like a joke along with your meal today?"
To which the man replies
"I sure would"
The worker then leaves and comes back with a huge walnut, the man sighs of disappointment and takes the walnut, c...

What's the difference between Elon Musk and Jared the Subway guy?

Elon wanted to put Thai boys into small objects, Jared wanted to put small objects into Thai boys.

How do you call a dog who works at a subway?

A subwoofer.

Took a girl with severe OCD to subway..

and bought her a footlong sandwich. With cat like reflexes and a crazed look in her eyes she quickly slammed the sandwich on the table and whipped out a tape measure from her purse.

"I need to see if this is actually one foot long!" she giggled like a nervous school girl.

She pulled ...

I was sitting on the subway next to a fat guy and it got me thinking...

So I turned to him and asked "How can you let yourself get so fat? Isn't it hard to put that much weight on?"

"Nah, piece of cake."

When Chumlee gets out of prison he should do a show with Jared from Subway. They should call it...

Child Pawn.

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

A hen walks into Subway

The sandwich artist says, "Sorry, we don't serve chicken."

I should get a job at the Pentagon Subway

So I can say I build subs for the Pentagon.

What do me and Subway have in common?

We both lie about it being six inches

Why was the pasta noodle kicked off of the subway?

They realized he was stroganoff

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What's the difference between your mom and the subway?

Homeless guys have to pay $2.50 to jerk off on the subway.

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So there I was, on the subway, and a drop-dead-gorgeous Asian chick sits across from me...

...And I mean damn beautiful, wearing this knee-length dress with a split halfway up the thigh, low-cut and showing off a magnificent rack - with no bra, even!

I briefly tried to start a conversation to distract myself from the urge to ogle, but it was clear she didn't speak enough English, a...

Girlfriends are like subway seats...

You don't know how many homeless guys were in them before you came along.

what do you call a dwarfish creature snapping along to a song in a subway?

a metrognome

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