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Subway Jokes

Ladies call me Subway...

because I’ve got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches
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How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...
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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...
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A woman boards the subway…

It’s rush hour and this woman has around 5-6 kids with her. They all board the train and it’s a long way home, around 45 minutes. Needless to say, it’s super crowded and her kids aren’t doing her any favors. A few minutes in, the woman notices there’s an empty seat next to a guy manspreading. Visibl...

I took my wife to Subway today.

I asked the girl, can you make me a sandwich please.

She said no problem sir.

I turned to the wife and said, see how hard was that...
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Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants
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AITA? I bought my coworker chicken avocado instead of tuna avocado from Subway, and now they’re mad.

Whoops, wrong sub.
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I like my men how I like my subways.

They say it's six inches but in reality it's only four.
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A husband and wife and their ten kids are waiting to board the subway.

When the subway arrives, it is nearly full. The husband tells his wife "Honey, you should board this train with the kids, and I'll catch the next train." The wife does so, and the train departs with his wife and ten children.

While waiting for the train, there is an old man with a walker...
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Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

Subway

A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.
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[OC] My nickname is Subway.

I advertise 6 inches but you get a bit less.
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Death must be really boring for subway drivers.

A light at the end of the tunnel is just a regular workday.
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I thought this guy on the subway was yawning.

Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a tack.
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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
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I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner.

She suggested, "How about one of those places where they make your food right in front of you?"

So I took her to Subway.

And that's how the fight started.
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Two well-dressed senior women are riding the downtown 1 subway line in Manhattan…

When the train pulls into the Times Square station, a man, completely naked except for his socks, boards and sits directly opposite the women and begins to man-splay.

One of the women begins to snicker, which makes her friend very frightened. She gently elbows her friend to get her to stop, l...
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A Blonde Walks into Subway...

She orders a simple footlong sandwich and goes to the register.

"That'll be $6.70," says the cashier.

The blonde tries to use the chip on her card, but it doesn't work.

So she tries it again, and still nothing.

Finally she tries to swipe and it does nothing.
...

So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?"

I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"
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Subway is like prostitution...

You pay someone else to do your wife's job!
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Interesting fact about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I'm banned from Subway

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I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the subway with my mouth open

TIL subway workers can get fired for messing up one sandwich.

Whoops, wrong sub.
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A drunk man boards a subway and sits next to a priest.

A drunk man boards a subway and sits next to a priest. The priest is disgusted to see his miserable condition and says, "You are going to hell". The drunk guy looks up frightened and says, "damn I got on the wrong train".
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TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway

Whops, wrong sub.
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I went to a subway with my wife the other day

I ordered a clubhouse sandwich, and watched as the guy behind the counter added in all the ingredients. When he got to the end, he put a little stick through the sandwich to keep it together. Then, to my surprise, he got another stick and stuck it in as well! He kept going for several minutes, until...
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A Subway sandwich maker has a very eccentric regular customer.

The eccentric customer always orders a tuna sandwich, but heavily modified, made with an extra cup of mayo, smothered in chili peppers, red peppers, onions, and pickles, then toasted until it's burnt. It looks and smells disgusting and the worker dreads it when he sees that customer come in.
...
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I saw my ex working at subway the other day

So I stopped in and had her make me a sandwich, for old times sake.
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A 50-year old woman is very pleased with her new facelift. (Long)

She goes to the bank and steps up to the counter. She asks the teller, "How old do you think I am?"

The teller looks her up and down and guesses 35.

"Nope, 50!" she says, and goes to Subway for lunch.

She asks the sandwich artist behind the counter, "How old do you think I am?"<...
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I could never work at a Subway…

Couldn’t work at a place where’s its “appropriate” for someone to walk in and ask for a 6 inch Italian.
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Know what the difference is between the NYC subway and our public bathrooms is?

We don't let the homeless piss in our public bathrooms.

Two doctors were at the subway station, heading for another work day

When they noticed an old man hunching and limping around.

— Poor guy - says one doctor — Yet another victim of sclerosis.

— Sclerosis? - asks the other one — I don't think so. That's clearly rheumatism.

— You can't be serious - replies the first one — How are you even a doctor i...
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Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.
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Did you guys hear about Jared Fogle from Subways transformation?

He used to have mild cholesterol problems, but they turned into child molestoral problems.
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A pianist performing in a subway terminal...

was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.

Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.

I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"

To wh...
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An interview at a subway

“Why do you deserve this job?” The interviewer asks.
“I’m an overachiever, the customer asks for no cheese, I give them extra cheese.” The interviewee responds
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I was accosted by a bunch of perverts on the subway...

I had to beat them off.
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Subway is opening a sandwich making college in Alabama.

Everyone there is already great at making things inbred.
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Two priests and a whale walk into subway

The first priest orders a turkey on italian, and also asks for some red wine. The worker says, "well we don't serve wine here, but since you're a priest I'll go run and get some for you." So he runs to the liquor store across the street to go buy some wine.

The second priest orders a meatball...
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A deaf woman and a blind man are sitting on the subway

The deaf woman says to the guy: *sign language*

And the blind man says:
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A monk walks into a Subway

“Welcome to Subway, what can I get you?”

The monk looks at the sign and says, “Make me one with everything.”
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there was a Saudi guy

Who was studying in Pennsylvania University.
His father was one of the richest Sheikh in middle East.
Everyday he comes to his college in his own Ferrari GT 250 while the others use public transport.
This makes him quite uncomfortable and sad.

One day he texts his dad and says " ...
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What do you call a bunch of hoes on the subway

A train of thot
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A girl met a guy at the subway

G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place

B: awww... Are you single?

G: No I'm a dentist
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I tried to share a subway sandwich with a homeless man on the bus.

He kept telling me to fuck off and get my own.

Ten Surprising facts doctors don't want you to know about subway tracks!

the 3rd one will shock you!
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Subway stops are kind of my fetish.

It's just how I get off.
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Subway makes all their sandwiches with love.

Now if they would actually put some meat in them...
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I was told my joke belonged on this sub. (Original)

Two men are riding the subway in a big city, when one looks over to the other and says, "Say, how did you get those scratches all over your arms and face?"

The second man says, "Oh, these? I have an asshole cat who won't stop scratching me, but I'm about to rehome him to a friend. I'm actua...

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Two Italian men on the subway...

... were talking with thick accents. One says to the other, "First, Emma come. Then I come. Two asses. I come a second time, and, again, two asses. I come a third time, pee twice, and I come one last time.

A lady within earshot walks up and tells the guy speaking, "I think it's shameful the w...

Did you hear about the one man band on the New York subway?

Probably not, he's an underground artist
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I was in Subway the Other Day

Ordering a foot long and I said to the girl behind the counter 'do you know what else is 12 inches?'
Before she could respond, I grabbed my crotch and said '4 of these!'
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What do my girlfriend and a Subway worker have in common?

Everything, my girlfriend recently got a job at Subway, I'm very proud of you sweetie
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What does Subway and Reddit have in common?

When you go to Subway, none of their subs have anything original in them either.
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What do you call a musical garden figure who often rides the subway?

A metrognome.
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So I went to Subway the other day

I ordered the usual, roast beef with cucumbers, lettuce and Chipotle sauce.

When I got the sandwich, it was mouldy and looked like it had been used many times before, so I handed back to the employee who had made it.

He looked at it for a while before saying "oh yeah, this sub has a lo...
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Why was the CEO of Subway distraught when his teenage daughter walked around with a brand new pearl necklace?

She went to Jared's
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To the guy who coughed on me on the subway...

Edit: Thanks for the cold kind stranger!
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What do you call a Rat living in subway?

Underrated.
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My dick is like a subway footlong

It never satisfies anyone

What do you call a fashionable subway system

Metro
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Why was the man in the subway not taking notice of his surroundings?

He was in a train of thought.
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Jared from Subway was hired and fired for the exact same reason.

He loved to eat fresh
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What do you call smoking weed on the subway?

A hot boxcar.
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Jared from subway was sentenced by the judge for 16 years in prison.

But he didn’t care, you know why

Because he was ok with anything under 18
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What do a subway perv and the person they're staring at having in common?

Theyre both thinking "I really want to get off right now"
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What do you call a London subway train full of professors?

A tube of smarties.
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Overheard in a Subway the other day...

The Subway girl turned to the guy in front of me in the queue and said "Footlong?"

He answered, "Look lady, you're very attractive, but I'm not bending it in half for anybody"
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What do men and Subway have in common?

They both exaggerate the length.
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Walking around Harvard, I saw a homeless man sleeping outside the subway...

...and they want you to pay $60k a year for this?
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A hen walks into Subway

The sandwich artist says, "Sorry, we don't serve chicken."
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Whats Jared from Subway and Jeffrey Epstein’s favorite song?

Pretty Young Thing (P.Y.T.) - Michael Jackson
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Girlfriends are like subway seats...

You don't know how many homeless guys were in them before you came along.
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Why does Subway call its employees Sandwich Artists?

So you can finally say you are earning money as an artist.
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Why did Jared from Subway call Boyz2Men?

He thought they had delivery service.
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How do you get an elephant into a subway?

Take the “S” out of “sub” and the “F” out of “way”
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What do me and Subway have in common?

We both lie about it being six inches
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When Jared from subway was a kid (long)

He was a larger boy, all of the schoolchildren would call him names. Jared would get mad but didnt know what to. This goes on for some time until Jared went to his school counselor. His couseler asks what the problem is. Jared explains how all the schoolchildren can not see past his weight and accep...

Kyiv subway. A middle-aged woman enters the train.

Young guy stands up from his seat and lets her sit down.

Woman: Young man, are you from Lviv?

Guy: Why do you think so?

Woman: You are the only one to give me a seat.

Guy: You are right, I'm from Lviv. And you must be from Donetsk.

Woman: Yeah. But how have you gue...
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A man walks into a Subway...

A man walks into a Subway and orders a meatball marinara, the worker then asks him
"Would you like a joke along with your meal today?"
To which the man replies
"I sure would"
The worker then leaves and comes back with a huge walnut, the man sighs of disappointment and takes the walnut, c...
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Took a girl with severe OCD to subway..

and bought her a footlong sandwich. With cat like reflexes and a crazed look in her eyes she quickly slammed the sandwich on the table and whipped out a tape measure from her purse.

"I need to see if this is actually one foot long!" she giggled like a nervous school girl.

She pulled ...
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A bully and his gang walk into a Subway store

He then sees the sandwich artist (that's what they are called) is a skinny, young, inexperienced kid- a perfect target to bully while ordering some subs. He walks up to the kid and starts his order of his 6-inch sub

The kid then proceeds to cut a footlong sub bread in half for a 6-inch sub wh...
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An old man was riding the subway.

A young man was sitting across from him He had wildly spiked hair with streaks of color: blue, yellow, red, and purple.

The old man was staring at him intently, so the young man said, "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything out of the ordinary in your life?"

The old ...

Why was the pasta noodle kicked off of the subway?

They realized he was stroganoff
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What's the difference between Elon Musk and Jared the Subway guy?

Elon wanted to put Thai boys into small objects, Jared wanted to put small objects into Thai boys.
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How do you call a dog who works at a subway?

A subwoofer.
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Why did it take so long for Atlanta to build a subway?

Talking about an underground railroad is still a sore subject around those parts.
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