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Violent Jokes

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid
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My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?
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Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.
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A man was riding the train across the country when suddenly everything started rocking violently.

People were being thrown out of their seats and luggage was flying everywhere. Then, as suddenly as it started, everything is back to the calm, smooth ride he was used to. Everyone sorted themselves out and found seats again.

When they reach the next stop, the man went forward to the engine c...
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Jonathan died in a violent car crash and his body was horribly mangled

Because of this, the police were having a hard time confirming his identity. So they brought in Jonathan's two best friends friends, Cletus and Buba to help identify Jonathan.

They bring Cletus into the mortuary to view the body, Cletus carefully studies it and says "Well it could be Jona...

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...
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People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.
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Why is Kim Jong-un so violent?

Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read
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Comparing Texas lawmakers with the Taliban seems a little extreme.

One is authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban.
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Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...
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My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.

Fast-forward to day of execution.

Guard straps him in.

Guard: "Any last requests?"

Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"

Guard: "The electric current is going ...
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Paintball is a very violent sport

It involves a lot of dyeing
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If there is a violent riot tonight in Philadelphia

Then we won't really know if it is in protest or celebration
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Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.
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in the 1980s they blamed heavy metal music for violent youth.

Now it's 2022 and their still blaming the doors.
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What's the difference between a new AAA and a violent offender?

One's a battery with charge and the other's charged with battery



*I came up with this myself but in case someone beat me to this one, not meant to be a repost*
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One day, a violent husband leaves his wife.

She posts an ad in a local newspaper: "Looking for a new man. The one who will not beat me, run away, and is good in bed."
Couple of days later someone knocks on her door. She opens them, and there's a guy in a wheelchair, missing both arms and legs.
"Hi. I think I'm a perfect man for you. I d...

What is the most violent meat?

Proshooto
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

If video games make children more violent...

why do they keep losing fistfights against me?
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Actually, violent video games don’t create violent children, study says

Thanks to Doctor Xavier B. Juan for the results
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How did the dyslexic cop subdue the violent male suspect ?

He used his NUTS gun.
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I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn't that violent...

He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
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What do you call violent mermaids?

Mercenaries
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I'm sick of the violent society today.

Picture this: I'm there minding my own business when this scruffy kid comes up and says "Hey mister, you want decking or something?". Cheeky twat, I smacked him one straight away but I shouldn't have to, know what I mean?

Also apparently I'm now "banned from the garden centre" or some such bu...

The day after violent video games became illegal...

...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.
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A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...
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Apparently more intelligent people tend to be less violent.

This is proven when you look at great modern scientists.

I bet you that no one has ever seen Steven Hawking slap someone.
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Deaf people are violently protesting because

They don't feel their voices are being heard
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon.

On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.
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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

If video games make kids violent

Why do priests always win their wrestling fights with them?
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What do you call a violent, racist organization of confused Mexicans?

The quequeque
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I agree that there should be different NSFW tags for violent and sexual content

Nothing changes my mood more than seeing naked people while I'm trying to enjoy horrible gore.

My dad told me he wouldn’t stand for my violent behaviour anymore

I thought that’s pretty fair as I broke both of his legs yesterday
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I was tempted to make a violent rock pun

But some people don't like joking about basalt
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One time at the pub I told a violent trouble maker to step outside so I could give him a good hiding

He still hasn't found me
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What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy?

A Dick-Tater.

People in Finland aren’t typically violent during confrontations.

So while they may not start the fights, they sure do Finnish.
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A young boy on a long flight with his family hears a loud bang as it violently shakes the entire plane.

The passengers are obviously scared but the sound and shaking stop quickly. Soon they hear the pilot, "Sorry for the scare folks, it seems one of our engines unexpectedly failed. Just know it's nothing to worry about, the other 3 engine are working just fine and we'll be landing at our destination j...
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Eminem was good at painting. But after few classes, he was thrown out because of violent conduct.

He was doing Marshall Arts
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I was on a date with this girl and she started telling me about her violent ex relationship.

"Thats really terrible. How bad were the beatings?" I asked holding her hands.

She replied, "It depended on how angry I was at the time."
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What's a violent and sexist book club called?

ISIS.

Choking Lady

Two hillbillies walked into a local restaurant as they had decided to stop by for a bite to eat. While they dined, they talked about their moonshine operation.

All of a sudden, one woman sitting next to them (she had been eating a sandwich just right across their table) begun to cough. After ...
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Some of my friends make The Offspring puns, some of them violently hate them

I guess I gotta keep em separated
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What do you call a scientist who investigates early homo sapien societies but excuses their violent behaviour toward Neanderthals and other sub-species of archaic humans?

An anthro-apologist.

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."
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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What does violent diarrhoea and a bar fight have in common?

Blood on your stool
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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

I was playing Cyberpunk 2077 when my mom took a pan and violently bashed my laptop to pieces.

She *really* freaks out seeing so many bugs.
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A group of amputees have escaped after a violent bank robbery,

one armed and dangerous.
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One day three blondes were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river.

They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first blonde prayed to god saying, 'Please god, give me the strength to cross this river.' Poof! God gave her big arms and strong legs, and she was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this the secon...
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Every religion has violent people...

... The Christians have The Westboro Baptist Church, the Muslims have the jihadists, and the Jews have the IRS

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.
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Going to the dentist is like those movies where a character gets interrogated violently.

It’s pretty clear to them when you’re lying — and if you don’t come clean, you might lose a tooth.
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“Doc, my husband was just admitted to the hospital with violent butt spasms. Do you know where he is?”

Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that ass.

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.
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I finally found the courage to break up with my violent and abusive sausage boyfriend

So you can imagine my horror when my friend tells me “the wurst is behind you”
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A woman was sitting next to a man on a plane who kept sneezing and then shaking violently for several seconds thereafter.

After awhile, she got curious and asked, "are you feeling okay? I've noticed that you shake a lot after each sneeze."

The man said, "yes, I just have a condition where whenever I sneeze I have an intense orgasm."

The woman said, "oh, my! I can see how that could be very inconvenient....

What is it called when a stoner falls down and starts shaking violently?

A T.H.Seizure
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Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman'...
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The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event.

Authorities believe it to be race-related.
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There are two types of people on earth. People who are aggressively violent, and people who are aroused by vegetables.

As for me, I cum in peas

New studies show that the vast majority of violent crimes are committed by the children of immigrants.

And it's been that way since 1607.
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"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

No mixing utensils are allowed near the courthouse as the month-long case against the violent baker continues.

It's a whisk-free 30 day trial.
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A man is going down on his wife when he suddenly becomes violently ill.

He goes to the doctor, who asks him to describe what he was doing leading up to the sudden bout of illness. "Well," says the man, "my wife and I were just drinking some Budweisers, and then I started to give her oral sex-"

"Ah, well you should've seen this coming," the doctor says.

"Ho...

Animal Crossing and Doom Eternal are coming out on the same day. Do I play a slightly more forgiving, welcoming and less violent simulation of real life?

Or do I play animal crossing instead?
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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

A dispute between two vegans at green grocers shop turned violent when one of them started throwing a leaf vegetable with somewhat jagged leaves at the other! The second vegan responded by picking them up and hurling them back!

It was either kale or be kaled.
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A Squirrel in Sitting in a Tree Eating Some Nuts When Suddenly the Tree Starts to Shake Violently.

He looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel says "hey elephant, what are you doing?"
The elephant replies "I'm climbing this tree to eat some pears!"
"You dummy," says the squirrel, "this is a pine tree... there's no pears up here."
The elephant says "I kno...
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I just saw 2 guys trying to rob this old man. The old man was trying to stand his ground and things were getting violent so I thought I’d lend a hand...

We fucken beat his ass he didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

The storm is fierce.

The plane hits such turbulence that everything is shaking violently. The passenger, pale with fear, notices a priest sitting next to him and pleads,

"Can't you do something, Father?"

The priest calmly replies,

"I'm not in management; I'm in sales."
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Sent to Jail.

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.

Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...

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A man is at the zoo...

... and comes to a silver back gorilla exhibit and he notices a sign. The sign states " Please do not tap the gorilla". He looks around and says fuck it and taps the gorilla.

The gorilla breaks out the cage violently and starts chasing the man. He realizes the bad choice that he made. He star...

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A man went into a tobacco store

to buy a large cigar. After buying it, he immediately started smoking it inside the store, which annoyed the store owner.

-Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step outside if you're going to smoke that.

-Isn't this a tobacco store that sells cigars?

-Yes, but...

-Then I ...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Frank goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.

"Hey", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin. What's your name?"

"Um....Frank", the hunter says nervously.

...
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Drinking problem

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. ...
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An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman...

...sit down at a pub and each order a Guinness. As the foam is settling, a fly happens to land in each of their glasses.

Put off by this, and accustomed to a more civilised way of drinking, the posh Englishman politely asks the barkeep for another pint.

The Scottsman, a bit more roug...

A teacher tells the students to each tell a true story that has a moral that they learned from one of their parents...

The teacher calls up a little girl, and she tells her story, "My dad is raises chickens for their eggs. One day he collected the eggs from his hens and put them all into a big basket. Then he put the basket into the back of his truck but as he was driving to market he hit a big bump in the road, whi...
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I think movies have gotten too violent. I took a 9-year-old kid to see a film over the weekend and he cried through the entire thing.

Although, granted, that might have been because he didn't know who I was.
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Driving Home Drunk

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"...
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