UPJOKE
fierceintensewarvehementsuicidebloodyferocioussavagehostiletoughfuriousbrutalhomicidedangerousneglect

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

in the 1980s they blamed heavy metal music for violent youth.

Now it's 2022 and their still blaming the doors.

the whole lion family starred in a violent drama named

Pride and prey judice

What's the difference between a new AAA and a violent offender?

One's a battery with charge and the other's charged with battery



*I came up with this myself but in case someone beat me to this one, not meant to be a repost*

One time at the pub I told a violent trouble maker to step outside so I could give him a good hiding

He still hasn't found me

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A Father Walks into rsetaurant

**A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.**

**Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts**

**slapping him on the back. The ...

Albert Einstein once said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

He was probably talking about the 18th Amendment.

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What do you call a scientist who investigates early homo sapien societies but excuses their violent behaviour toward Neanderthals and other sub-species of archaic humans?

An anthro-apologist.

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

A young boy on a long flight with his family hears a loud bang as it violently shakes the entire plane.

The passengers are obviously scared but the sound and shaking stop quickly. Soon they hear the pilot, "Sorry for the scare folks, it seems one of our engines unexpectedly failed. Just know it's nothing to worry about, the other 3 engine are working just fine and we'll be landing at our destination j...

A dispute between two vegans at green grocers shop turned violent when one of them started throwing a leaf vegetable with somewhat jagged leaves at the other! The second vegan responded by picking them up and hurling them back!

It was either kale or be kaled.

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

What do you call a man screwing up his eyes in the sun while making violent movies?

Squintin' Tarintino

A guy walks into a bar and says “Give me a shot of your finest Whiskey, and pour one for yourself on me!”

The bartender is surprised but pleased, so he pours two shots of the most expensive Scotch in the house.

They toast and drink up. After a few moments the man gets up and walks towards the door without paying. The bartender chases after him and says “hey what’s the big idea?! You haven’t paid...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Why is Kim Jong-un so violent?

Because he doesn't have a Seoul.

How did the dyslexic cop subdue the violent male suspect ?

He used his NUTS gun.

If there is a violent riot tonight in Philadelphia

Then we won't really know if it is in protest or celebration

What is the most violent meat?

Proshooto

Comparing Texas lawmakers with the Taliban seems a little extreme.

One is authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban.

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.


But, the general gist was this - whoever can maintain the longest flow of cursewords wins... something.


And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a Pole get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for ...

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Magical Octopus

There was once a Man who traveled with the local fair, portraying his Magical Octopus. One fair a little boy cam up and said "how is he magical?" the man replied with " he can sing and play any instrument" so the little boy handed over his harmonica to the octopus. The octopus glanced at it, picked ...

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

I was on a date with this girl and she started telling me about her violent ex relationship.

"Thats really terrible. How bad were the beatings?" I asked holding her hands.

She replied, "It depended on how angry I was at the time."

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

Eminem was good at painting. But after few classes, he was thrown out because of violent conduct.

He was doing Marshall Arts

Paintball is a very violent sport

It involves a lot of dyeing

I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn't that violent...

He is a tail gunner on a school bus.

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

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What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy?

A Dick-Tater.

On his evening walk...

... Tony finds an ancient pottery bottle half buried in the silt down the river next to an old rusted-out van. Carefully examining the bottle, he notices that it still has a stopper in it, and there is some kind of writing etched around the neck of the bottle. Using his shirtsleeve, Tony gently beg...

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It was the funeral of a woman who had henpecked her husband

She had driven her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper.

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blind...

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The medicine

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped he...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

I was playing Cyberpunk 2077 when my mom took a pan and violently bashed my laptop to pieces.

She *really* freaks out seeing so many bugs.

Eastern European Charade

I am stuck between Russia and Poland.

I am getting hit very violently.

Yellow is one of my two colors.

What am I ?

.

.

.

.

.

.

**A tennis ball in Dubai Semi Final**

.

A lone traveller, weary and famished from days on the road, stumbles across an old inn on a desolate mountain trail.

His eyes light up as he sees light coming from the windows, realizing he is about to enjoy his first hot meal in weeks.

He bursts through the doors of the inn and finds it bustling with activity. Every table is packed with patrons merrily drinking and feasting.

The traveller searches ...

The riot police is beating a guy in Minsk violently...

The guy covers his face and screams "Please, don't beat me, I voted for Lukashenko!"
The policeman pauses, screams "You liar! Nobody voted for Lukashenko" and keeps beating him.

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him

Guilty as charged

The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event.

Authorities believe it to be race-related.

Jennifer and the Fortune teller.

During a recent outing, Jennifer snuck off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered the grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a viole...

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“Doc, my husband was just admitted to the hospital with violent butt spasms. Do you know where he is?”

Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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A woman was sitting next to a man on a plane who kept sneezing and then shaking violently for several seconds thereafter.

After awhile, she got curious and asked, "are you feeling okay? I've noticed that you shake a lot after each sneeze."

The man said, "yes, I just have a condition where whenever I sneeze I have an intense orgasm."

The woman said, "oh, my! I can see how that could be very inconvenient....

My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.

Fast-forward to day of execution.

Guard straps him in.

Guard: "Any last requests?"

Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"

Guard: "The electric current is going ...

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

If video games make children more violent...

why do they keep losing fistfights against me?

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

A squirrel was sitting on the branch of a tree when suddenly it began shaking violently.

Looking down he saw an elephant climbing up the tree.

"What the hell are you doing," cried the squirrel.

"I want to eat some cherries."

"But this is an oak tree. There aren't any cherries here."

"It's okay," said the elephant. "I brought my own."

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I used to have a crippling porn addiction.

Now I prefer less violent porn.

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Doggy

A man walks into a bar looking to unwind after a stressful week. He orders his favorite drink and takes a look around. On one of the shelves behind the bartender is a huge glass jar full of hundreds of hundred dollar bills. Noticing the large amount of money, the man is intrigued.

"What's up...

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One day, a violent husband leaves his wife.

She posts an ad in a local newspaper: "Looking for a new man. The one who will not beat me, run away, and is good in bed."
Couple of days later someone knocks on her door. She opens them, and there's a guy in a wheelchair, missing both arms and legs.
"Hi. I think I'm a perfect man for you. I d...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

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Two brothers are fighting…

… in front of their mother and it starts to turn violent. The mother tries to intervene and stop the fight. The younger brother who is taking the brunt of the hits gets frustrated that he couldn’t get as many punches his brother landed says, “Step aside bitch”. The elder brother hearing this gets an...

My dad told me he wouldn’t stand for my violent behaviour anymore

I thought that’s pretty fair as I broke both of his legs yesterday

Some of my friends make The Offspring puns, some of them violently hate them

I guess I gotta keep em separated

People in Finland aren’t typically violent during confrontations.

So while they may not start the fights, they sure do Finnish.

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There are two types of people on earth. People who are aggressively violent, and people who are aroused by vegetables.

As for me, I cum in peas

Two guys are sitting on a couch

watching a reality cop show. One of them says: "World outside is so brutal, Jesus Christ, so violent and scary. I don't think I can go outside ever again."

His friend: "At some point we have to! I'm afraid the homeowners are coming home soon."

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A convicted felon….

A convicted felon escaped from prison where he'd already spent 15 years of a life sentence. He broke into a local farmhouse in the middle of the night looking for food and money and while in there he discovered a young couple asleep in their bed. He woke them up violently and ordered the guy out of ...

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over. "So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few i...

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I'm sick of the violent society today.

Picture this: I'm there minding my own business when this scruffy kid comes up and says "Hey mister, you want decking or something?". Cheeky twat, I smacked him one straight away but I shouldn't have to, know what I mean?

Also apparently I'm now "banned from the garden centre" or some such bu...

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I agree that there should be different NSFW tags for violent and sexual content

Nothing changes my mood more than seeing naked people while I'm trying to enjoy horrible gore.

The day after violent video games became illegal...

...a school was flooded with lava in the world's first mass griefing.

What do you call violent mermaids?

Mercenaries

Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death."

Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

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A man walked into a bar

A man walked into a bar, and declared:

"One beer for me, for the bartender, and for everybody else!"

The crowd rejoiced greatly. The bartender handed out the drinks, and the evening went on happily.

When it was nearly time to close, the bartender asked for payment from the man. ...

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The voodoo dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

Apparently more intelligent people tend to be less violent.

This is proven when you look at great modern scientists.

I bet you that no one has ever seen Steven Hawking slap someone.

What was the most violent thing Helen Keller ever read?

The cheese grater.

I was tempted to make a violent rock pun

But some people don't like joking about basalt

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A story is told that in the mid 1990s, two men go to visit a doctor who is acclaimed for his ability to treat melancholia.

"We can’t eat, we can’t sleep,” say the men. “We feel contantly miserable. Please help us, doctor.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, my friends,” says the doctor. “Take yourself off to The Gathering of the Juggalos, where you will find Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse perf...

Deaf people are violently protesting because

They don't feel their voices are being heard

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Three generals are arguing over who has the bravest soldiers.

The first general calls up a private from his army and tells him: "Climb that building and leap down from the roof!". With a "Yes sir!", the soldier climbed the building, leapt off and crashed violently on the concrete floor. The second general called up a private from his army and orders him: "Put ...

What do you call a violent, racist organization of confused Mexicans?

The quequeque

The problem with the American two-party system is that everyone agrees one political party is stupid and the other party is evil

But they violently disagree about which one is which.

I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in a violent mugging this morning.

On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

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I just saw 2 guys trying to rob this old man. The old man was trying to stand his ground and things were getting violent so I thought I’d lend a hand...

We fucken beat his ass he didn’t stand a chance against 3 of us

Going to the dentist is like those movies where a character gets interrogated violently.

It’s pretty clear to them when you’re lying — and if you don’t come clean, you might lose a tooth.

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

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Jhonny worked for the mafia and received a promotion...

...to be part of the Boss' security detail. He was assigned to patrol the interior of the Boss' house.

The Boss' daughter saw the fresh meat and wanted a piece of that. She called him into her room and they started to make out. Right when things were getting good the Boss entered the room and...

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A man is sitting next to a woman on an airplane

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out. She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom. She re...

One day three blondes were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river.

They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first blonde prayed to god saying, 'Please god, give me the strength to cross this river.' Poof! God gave her big arms and strong legs, and she was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this the secon...

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"Doctor, I've got this really weird condition that whenever somebody questions me that I violently shit my pants."

"REALLY?" asked the doctor, laughing.

I said, "Nice try, pal, but I'm not wearing any pants.."

How can you tell the ocean was mad?

It was violently waving

No mixing utensils are allowed near the courthouse as the month-long case against the violent baker continues.

It's a whisk-free 30 day trial.

I finally found the courage to break up with my violent and abusive sausage boyfriend

So you can imagine my horror when my friend tells me “the wurst is behind you”

What does violent diarrhoea and a bar fight have in common?

Blood on your stool

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What's a violent and sexist book club called?

ISIS.

If video games make kids violent

Why do priests always win their wrestling fights with them?

America has crazed, gun addicted, alcoholic, violent people. What does Russia have?

Russians.

A group of amputees have escaped after a violent bank robbery,

one armed and dangerous.

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

Actually, violent video games don’t create violent children, study says

Thanks to Doctor Xavier B. Juan for the results

Mahatma Gandhi was once thrown out of an Indian bakery. Not surprising really . . .

He was widely known for being naan-violent.

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Dolly Parton and Princess Diana pass away on the same day.

They arrive at the pearly gates at the very same time.

Saint Peter is waiting in judgment. With both women vying for entry, St. Peter announces, “Ladies, I only have one more space in Heaven today. You’ll have to prove you’re worthy.”

Dolly Parton laughs and says “No problem, Pete!” ...

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

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Well, there was this tiger who woke up one morning, and just felt great

(yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).

Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."

A...

A passenger airplane is flying over the ocean

When all of a sudden the plane experiences a violent jolt. The captain comes over the speaker and says "We have experienced engine failure, and unfortunately, there is nothing we can do. The plane is going down."

While the passengers are contemplating certain death, a woman stands up, rips o...

New studies show that the vast majority of violent crimes are committed by the children of immigrants.

And it's been that way since 1607.

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

A man boards a flight from London to LA.

Midway in the flight, there is a bit of a turbulence and then an announcement.


"This is your captain speaking. We have a bit of bad news. During the turbulence we experienced, one of our engines have failed. But there is nothing to worry about, the plane still has three engines function...

What is it called when a stoner falls down and starts shaking violently?

A T.H.Seizure

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

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