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Too Much Jokes

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

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What did the Pokemon say after having too much sex.

Vulva Sore.

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"Son, you'll go blind if you masturbate too much."

"Dad, I'm over here."

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.

Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor?
Priest - He will also go to Hell.
Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?
Priest - He too will go to Hell....

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

I took a girl back to my apartment and she said, “You don’t have too much experience in taking off bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

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Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge"

Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed".

He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.

"How does that feel?" he asks. "Fucking lovely" she replies

"But the discharge is in my ear!!!!

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Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

What do you call a "Gulf and Western" singer who's gained way too much weight?

Jimmy Hit the Buffett



What do you call a band that agrees with anything?



Yes.



What do you call a band that you don't know any of the members?



The Who?



What do you call a band that likes to play childish games?



...

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

A gentleman had too much alcohol at a party.

He was heading home and was pulled over by a state trooper.


Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to m...

What do you call a musician who drinks too much?

A musician.

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

My mother drank too much when she was pregnant with me

When I was born, I only weighed two fifths.

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwe...

What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?

A cab.

Too much of a good thing…

can be wonderful. If you can still walk straight.

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

People care way too much about Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating habits.

The last time he dated a woman his age, she let him sink!

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss!

Oh and also, I can't remember if I told you guys this but having too much sex can actually lead to memory loss!

What do you call an orange that spent too much time in the sun?

A tangerine

What do you call a teacher who had too much Taco Bell?

A tooter.

What bone breaks when you lie too much?

Your fibula.

The Mrs. says I’m spending too much time browsing Reddit and not enough with her.

Guess I gotta work on my lurk-wife balance.

Does the chorus drink too much?

No, no. He doesn't have a problem but he's not averse.

too much?

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure Wonderful saying, Horrible way to find out you were adopted

A proctologist was losing too much money…

A proctologist was losing too much money. Her accountant came over for a consultation and quickly spotted the problem.

“You’re spending far too much on staffing. You’ve simply got to reduce your labor costs in order to survive.”

The proctologist puzzled over how to cut down. Given her...

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My Dad always used to tell me that too much masturbation makes you go blind.

If only he could see me now.

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Too Much to Drink

It was getting late one night when the bartender at a pub decided he'd have to cut one of the regulars off.

*"You've had too much to drink Jeffrey. I've got to stop servin' ya."*

*"Aye, it seems I have. Besides, the wife's probably gonna be mad I drank too much again. I should get on h...

I drank a little too much at the bar last night, so I walked home...

Stumbled, actually. I was messing around with the keys and couldn't open the front door. After a few minutes a cop rolled up, got out of the car and asked if I was OK. "Yes, officer, just a little drunk, and trying to get into my house here" The officer asked if I was sure this was my house. "Of cou...

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

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Did you hear about the guy who had too much phone sex?

He's got Hearing AIDS.

Too Much

My friend filled an entire swimming pool up with herbs.



He had a lot of thyme on his hands.

People talk too much about stuff like pollution and corruption

They forget that, nowadays, whataboutism is also a huge problem.

My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music.

I told him, "K pop"

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"You spend far too much time on that fucking computer."

Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.

what do you call a support group for people who talk too much?

On and on Anon

What’s it called when someone has too much foreskin?

fiveskin.

What happens when you eat too much Middle Eastern food?

You feelafel

My girlfriend told me I listened to too much Linkin Park

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

Grandpa: Your generation wastes too much in therapy!

Millennial: Don't worry, we just make up for the therapy your generation missed.

Do I Drink Too Much

A man goes to the doctor and says “I think I may be drinking too much.” The doctor says “Well, how many days a week do to drink?” The man says “Honestly, 4 or 5 days per week.” The doctor says “Well, that’s not healthy, but that’s not too bad.” The man says “that’s good to hear. By the way, I al...

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I was told that masturbating too much can make me blind (thanks, mom). Then later I overheard that carrots are really good for the eyes.

So now everytime I masturbate I put a carrot up my ass.

Someone told me that I care too much of what others think

What do you think?

My girlfriend said my obsession with Only Fools And Horses was too much and asked me to go.

I said, I'll get the suitcase from the van...

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A guy drank too much on a party and passed out...

He finds himself in front of the heaven's door. He's asking, "What's happening?". And a voice from above is saying "Don't you see? You drank too much. You drank so much that you're dead now! But you won't be passed into the heaven because you were a sinner." The guy replies "I see... I'm ready to be...

Paddy was spending too much time down the pub….

… returning home drunk every night.

Finally, Paddy’s wife decided enough was enough and told him if he ever came home drunk again she would leave him.

The next night, Paddy met up with Seamus at their usual bar. Unfortunately, one thing led to another and by the end of the evening Pa...

I guess I eat too much.

My phone doesn’t recognize me unless I have food in my mouth.

Putin has bitten over too much and is choking.

At first he thinks it might be Russian Beef Stronganoff, but that is clearly wrong. Then he thinks it might have been the chicken Kiev. Then he realizes - there was never any chicken Kiev.

Apparently, I spend too much time on reddit

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

I paid way too much money for these Velcro pants

What a ripoff

What surgery can you get if you have too much foresight?

A circum-see-sion

What'll happen if you read too much Plato?

You become Platonic

There isn't too much of a difference between my boss and my drug dealer

Both get my hopes up by saying there's something great on the horizon and both slowly tear away at my hopes by telling me that it'll happen next week.

You know what they say about drinking too much tequila...

Can't remember.

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

A painter is employed to whitewash the local church. But he makes the mistake of thinning the paint down too much, so that it all washes away the first time it rains.

The minister rings the painter to complain. "What do you want me to do about it?" says the painter.

"Repaint," says the minister, "And thin no more."

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Too much golfing

For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11pm last night. She suddenly shouted at me: "Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!". And I'll be honest, she scared the shit out of me. I mean, you don't expec...

Too Much Drinking and Smoking

Sarah and Tamika met for drinks.

Sarah said, "Me & my husband are no longer together."

"What happened," Tamika asked.

"Could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

Hell No, of course I couldn't!" Tamika said.

"Well my h...

What do you call a man who became fat from eating too much McDonald's?

Big Max

I wanted to get a job that doesn’t require too much intelligence

So I decided to run for the President of the United States

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Kids swearing too much

*I was just reminded of this joke from my high school years. I haven't seen it here but apologies in advance if it was posted in the past.*

A mother is frustrated with three boys constantly swearing, so she tells them that there will be harsh consequences for cursing starting tomorrow. The ne...

Just a Little too Much, I'd say....

An iguana is walking through the jungle and stops when he smells weed being smoked. He looks up and sees a monkey smoking a joint. Iguana says, "Hey monkey can I join you? I'm having a bad day."

Monkey tells him yes and he climbed up and joined the monkey. Halfway through the monkey asks the...

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I once took too much Viagra

It was the hardest day of my life

What happens when a star has too much gas?

It gets constellation.

(Maybe it should loosen it's Orion's belt)

Too much praise

Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse’s owner said “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘praise the Lord’ to make him go, and ‘amen’ to make him stop.”

Bill got on the horse a...

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Too much cock..

A man goes to a doctor claiming his speech impediment is effecting his life, no one will hire him, no females will talk to him, no one wants to be his friend because of the way he talks and something needs to be done. The doctor curiously looks into the situation.
“Turns out your penis is to...

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Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

Did you know that toads are just frogs that have farted too much?

Ran out of gas, had to be toad

My psychiatrist said that I have too much self esteem.

I think he's very wrong.

Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger.

Edit: thank you for the titanium kind stranger

Edit: oh my God I can't believe I got a ternion all powerful!

What do you call a triangle that's had too much to drink?

A rekt angle

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Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.

“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!”

His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine - just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.”

“Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. ...

If drinking too much alcohol makes me an alcoholic

Does drinking too much Fanta make me fantastic?

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The orange juice complained to his therapist that no one wanted to drink him because he had too much pulp.

He was so depressed that he wanted to throw himself from the highest refrigerated shelf.

“Try to restrain yourself,” said the therapist.

My mum thinks I drink too much water.

She called me an aquaholic

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A man gets totally shitfaced after way too much drinks with his friends on a Saturday night, then goes back home. (Long but cute :-)

He has a hard time opening the door, being very careful to not wake up the wife. He starts to climb the stairs to the bedroom, but the world is collapsing every other second around him. He falls, tries to crawl a few more steps, and faints.

Next morning:

He wakes up in pyjamas in bed, ...

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Aleve pills and viagra look way too much alike.

I keep winding up with two pounding heads instead of one.

Too Much Time

Yesterday, I tried to eat a clock, but it was very time-consuming.

Whenever my young son cries too much,

I show him his birth video in reverse and telling him that's what happens to kids who don't stop crying.

My grandparents think that I depend too much on technology.

They always talk about how much my generation depends on technology, and my grandfather always mentions it whenever I visit them, so then I replied, “no, your generation depends too much on technology.”

Then I unplugged his life support.

My girlfriend says she’s going to leave me because I exaggerate things way too much

But what do I care? I literally have a million girls texting me daily.

What kind of train eats too much?

A chew chew train

**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH**
**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**

omg please PM me

I'm so lonely

I need friends

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

My friend told me I listen too much of The Chainsmokers.

He's a Sick Boy.

A man had too much to drink...

He was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at two in the morning?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture,” the man said.

“And who is going to ...

When my mom told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much, I shot back, "Oh yeah!?"

"Just you wait!"

Too Much Information

"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"

"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."

"Did I dial the wrong number?

"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."

"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."

"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"

"The usual? You know what my usua...

I'd been out drinking, and knew I'd had way too much to drive my car safely.

I knew there was a breath testing checkpoint between the bar and my place, so I decided to take a bus. Sure enough, when the bus reached the checkpoint we were waved through. This morning though when I woke up, hungover as balls, there was a damn bus on my lawn and I don't know what the hell is goin...

What happens if you tighten a Bolt too much?

You bust a Nut

My wife says I make assumptions too much

But I think she’s just being ignorant

What happens if a writer drinks too much and writes too little?

His iron-y becomes rust-y

I've been watching far too much television lately.

My dreams have adverts in them now.

My uncle drank way too much..

his wife told him that she would leave if he came home drunk again. Of course he goes out again, gets blind drunk, and vomits all over himself. He tells his buddy, “I can’t go home like this, she’ll leave me”. His friend gives him a $20 and says, “Put this in your pocket, and tell her that somebody ...

Lately I've been drinking too much cider

My friends call me an appleholic

I put way too much cheese in my omelet this morning...

I needed to take a brie-ther afterwards.

Vacationers spend too much time and money at donut shops

They're torus traps

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Dying from taking too much viagra

is a hard way to go

People say I act too much like Vsauce

Or do they?

I got kicked out of my local Mime troupe yesterday. They didn't like me too much...

I guess it was something I said.

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I used to be afraid of ejaculating too much...

But then I overcame!

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