It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

Once a mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, sealed a few screws and everything worked perfectly.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is a third of my monthly salary!", he yelled.

Well, all the sam...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confu...

I just removed a Wig, some Lipstick and two Chicken Fillets off my racecar...

You could say I significantly reduced the drag.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps your memory significantly.

I wish you all a Happy 2015.

Why do German cats have significantly lower life expectancy?

Because they have nein lives.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A guy goes to the doctor to complain that his voice is too squeaky

... he says ^^"Doctor, ^^I ^^have ^^a ^^very ^^squeaky ^^voice ^^and ^^my ^^wife ^^can't ^^stand ^^it"

The doctor responds: "Drop your pants"

The guy drops his pants and reveals a massive schlong.

The doctor says, "Aha! There's your problem! Your dick is so big that is pulling o...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

New study shows that overweight women...

...live significantly longer than men who mention it.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Never will you meet a man like Jeff.

Diana told Jeff she hated to be embarrassed. She broke up with every man she embarrassed herself in front of.

After eating at a resturaunt, Diana unexpectedly burped loudly. Before she could even turn red, Jeff burped so loud the dishes rattled.

While sitting in church, Diana farted. B...

How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.

How many qualitative psychologists does it take?

_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.

Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an A...

The county's road maintenance staff got a new trainee.

The trainee is tasked to paint the lines of a reconstructed highway before it is to be re-opened for public traffic.

- On Day 1 the trainee painted 5 miles.
- On Day 2 the trainee painted 2.6 miles.
- On Day 3 the trainee painted 0.9 miles.
- On Day 4 the trainee gets then question...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Word spread quickly that a meat shipment was inbound from Moscow, in the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

Sure enough, in the early hours of Monday morning the line outside State Food Store no. 46 was already over two hundred people long, many whispering excitedly about poultry and sausages, despite the dark, bitterly cold morning. After hours of waiting, and still before sunrise, the Commissar came out...

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A man went to see a doctor about his stutter...

"Y-you gotta he-help me doc, I c-c-can't live li-like this an-any more!"

The doctor says, "not to worry, we'll do a full body examination and get to the bottom of this."

After the examination, he tells the man, "I've found the cause of the problem. You see, your penis is so large that ...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Three young men were caught doing drugs and taken to court

The judge said to them "I should have you all punished severely, but I'd like to give you a chance. I'd like you to go out and convince other young people not to take drugs, but I'd like you to do it using this piece of paper."

He gave them each a small piece of paper with two circles on them...

What do you call a Mexican melon?

A cantelopez!


Came up with this on all by myself. I'm a new Dad, so I feel as if I've significantly leveled up my Dad Joke ability.

You've had a bad day but...

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.


The flesh eating virus barely touched your other arm.


Imagine what would have happened if your ex-wife had a *good* lawyer.


The fertility drugs worked 4 times better than expected.


The insurance company ...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A sciencey joke for y'all.

An American nuclear engineer is talking with a Japanese nuclear engineer about a new material they're planning on using for gamma radiation shielding. The Japanese engineer asks if he can see it in action, so the American takes a piece of iron about 3 inches thick and puts in front of a gamma source...

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