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Excessive Jokes

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I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

Back in the day, excessive use of commas was considered a very serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

Two little boys, ages 6 and 8, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher ...

I feel really bad for the Mexican Olympian disqualified from weightlifting for excessive use of protein.

They told him, "No whey, José."

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My wife is complaining about my excessive masturbation

So I moved to another part of the bus so she didn't have to watch

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My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.

It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

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Prostate massages are like stickers with excessively strong glue.

It’s a pain in the ass to get off.

Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

Europeans announced they were going to increase penalties for driving with excessive speed and being late for work.

Its part of their sanctions package to target people who are Russian.

A farmer friend of mine got jailed for excessive hay production

I had to bale him out

A cauliflower just swore excessively at me.

I think it might have florettes.

My local auctioneer passed away due to excessive diarrhoea.

I think he was going once... going twice...gone

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A father once told his son, "Excessive masturbation will lead to blindness."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

What vegetable is known for it's excessive partying?

Turnip

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A kid had a problem with excessive cursing...

A kid was constantly getting punished for excessive cursing.

The parents were trying everything to get him to stop. One punishment was that if he was at a friend's and he cursed, the friend's parents were told to send him home no questions asked.

He had been good for a bit so one day...

I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso

I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest

Having excessive mixed drinks isn't the answer...

... but they are solutions.

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Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.

However, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

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Quarrantine Day 7: Research continues on the effect of excessive masturbation on eyesight.

Dont forget to press the "subscribe" button to see my next video!

Excessive consumption of heavy metal causes cancer and is ruining society

Especially lead. Lead in the water pipes is a big problem.

The ministry of excessive resource usage called.

Seventy-three times.

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a healthy diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans....

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Quarrantine, Day 12: Excessive teen masturbation has caused zero hair growth on palms. Next update unknown...

...as I will be unable to use Father Calhoun's laptop while he is being treated for sudden onset blindness.

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A man gets pulled over by the police for excessive speeding...

The cop approaches the vehicle, cocky and arrogant, and says "I've been waiting for someone like you all day."
The man smiles and says, "Well I got here as fast as I could, officer!"

What do you call an excessively bullied child getting hate from everyone?

Youtube rewind.

I love public transport, even though I get excessively sweaty.

Also, I think I take my Train Simulation game too seriously.

What do you call it when you have midlife crisis and excessively drink red wine?

UB40

The best thing for a hangover is to drink excessively the night before.

Not sure why you'd want one, though.

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When a guy drives an excessively loud motorcycle or muscle car we know what they’re compensating for...

...they must have a really quiet penis.

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

A teenage girl brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents

Her parents are disgusted by the boyfriend's crazy haircut, excessive tattoos and piercings.

After dinner, the girl's mom tells her, "Honey, he doesn't seem to be a nice boy. Are you sure about this?"

"Oh please mom." the girl begged. "If he wasn't a nice person why would he be doing...

Grand Theft Auto 6 just announced. Already criticized for displaying "excessive and gratuitous violence towards pedestrians".

Apparently your character is just a normal on-duty cop.

What do you call an unborn child that is excessively ready to accept failure?

A defetus

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A winner joke

What's excessive male masturbation called?

A-dick-tion

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

There was a rowdy guest at the local science convention last week.

The chair of the convention decided to throw them out, saying: "You sir are contributing excessively to the entropy of this convention!"

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

Sometimes I feel like America's infrastructure

Excessively damaged due to bad choices made decades ago and a lack of routine maintenance.

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

Why do Mormon women stop having children at 30?

Because 31 or more is where daycare fees admittedly start becoming excessive.

Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbours.

Now that I've calmed down, I think kidnap may have been excessive.

Why’d the Jedi get charged with police brutality shortly after joining the police academy?

He used excessive force

Outnumbered 6 to 5, John brought grenades to a water balloon fight.

Isn't that a little... excessive?"

"No, I'm just trying to level the playing field.

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God Creating Spiders

God: Let it be, that from here onwards spiders shall have eight legs.

Archangel Gabriel: As you command, lord.

God: Also they shall have eight eyes instead of the normal two.

Archangel Gabriel: That seems slightly excessive doesn’t it? But as you wish lord.

God: And gi...

I was thinking about buying the new iPhone

But with so few new features, I thought the price was a bit excessive.

why was darth vader arrested?

excessive use of force.

Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list

Due to excessive poaching.

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The man with a single testicle (NSFW)

A man with a single testicle gets on a plane. He is very unlucky man with a single testicle.


The plane he is on has an engine malfunction mid flight and starts falling due to excessive weight. One has to jump from the plane to save the others.


"Lets choose someone randomly" say...

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

I'm glad my parents told me I was adopted...

But everyday feels excessive.

Why was the baker arrested?

Excessive salt in batter

WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer

Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.

In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed th...

Goodwill ?

It is said that when He made the world, God overturned the bag of miracles in the place where America is now.
Astonished and a little shocked by the excessive goodwill of his Creator, an angel asked God:
"What are you doing, Your Holiness? Didn't you give them too much?"
God answered him...

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

A cop pulled me over while I was riding your mother last night.

I'm glad I had my Class C for excessive gross weight.

I thought of an idea for a new reality TV show...

It's about a group of Middle Easter Islamic terrorists that are entering their 40s. They stop buying an excessive amount of guns and explosives and instead start purchasing luxery cars and motorcycles. I call the show Midlife ISIS.

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Two nude statues...

Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. "You have an hour to do anything you like, then it's back on the pedestals with you."

The woman looks at ...

Why did they cancel basketball in the Special Olympics?

All the players kept getting disqualified for excessive dribbling.

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

Four gents are on the golf course...

... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a...

Why was Luke Skywalker banned from all the local pubs...

He used excessive force

Wanna hear a joke about Reddit?

This thread has been locked by the moderators due to excessive off-topic posting. [M]

Newspapers

The paperboy didn't deliver my newspaper this morning, so I snuck next door and took the neighbours.
In hindsight, kidnapping might have been a little excessive

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An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a stoner are all in hell...

The devil comes up to each of them and says he'll grant them each one wish.

So the devil goes and asks the alcoholic what he would like to wish for and the alcoholic responds "I wish for all the liquor I can drink!" The devil grants his wish and moves on to the sex addict. The sex addict wi...

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

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Twice a Day

This guy goes to his doctor "You gotta help me. I can't stop having sex." "How often do you have it?" The doc asks "Well, twice a day with my wife." The doc says "That's no to bad." The guy says "Yeah, but that's not all, I also have sex with my secretary, twice a day." The doc says "That's a bit ex...

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