What do toddlers and paleontologists have in common ?

They both want to know your top 5 favorite dinosaurs

Toddlers are like Jesus

They turn water into whine.

My toddlers Favorite joke:

kid: One of us is secretly an owl!

me: Who?

kid: It’s you!!!

What do toddlers and anglers have in common?

They both pay fisher’s price

Toddlers can be pleasant.

But newborns could be placenta.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many toddlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, 10 isn’t enough. Because my basement is still dark.

I’ve been performing a scientific study on toddlers. When they trip and smash their heads they sometimes cry; but other times they jump right back up laughing. I can’t figure out a pattern that explains the difference in behaviour. Maybe my sample size is too small for accurate results.

I’ll trip another 100 and report back

A man and a blonde woman are talking about their children while waiting for them at nursery.

Man: “How many kids do you have here mam?”

Blonde: “Oh I have two toddlers. What about you?”

Man: “I have one that’s just under two.”

Blonde: “Look I know I’m a blonde, but I know how much one is.”

Did you here about the old guy who gave toddlers dynamite?

He was a Baby Boomer

How many toddlers does it take to paint a garage?

One of you throw it hard enough.

LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out...

You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.

What do you call an army of toddlers?

Infant-ry.

*insert cringe here*

Men see size, dogs see age.

Toddlers see what they can get away with.

What do white supremacists send their toddlers to before kindergarten?

Pre-KKK

When toddlers get naked and run around giggling, it's "cute" and "funny"

...but when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

Why do parents send their toddlers to the army for daycare?

Because they're sending them to the infantry!

Kayd Layd and Jake Lake are competitive twin brothers.

As toddlers they'd broken both arms racing to the top of an oak tree. As teens, they went to two different highschools so that they could compete against each other in their local Wrestling League.

"Those two," their family would say. "Those two are always trying to prove who's best." But the...

I will always regret the time of my life where I stole Minivans

I was just so amazed that they made shoes for toddlers.

I won a 5 on 1 street fight yesterday

Those toddlers had it coming

Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views...

...toddlers are the worst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A phone call home...

A Brazilian football (soccer) star is on international commitments, representing Brazil at the World Cup far from home. He takes a few moments to speak to his family.

"So, how's things at home?" he asks.

"Terrible!", his mother replies. "We have no money. Your father is unemployed a...

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