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Toddlers Jokes

What do you call an army of toddlers

Infantry…

I really hope this isn’t a repost

What's the difference between a toddler and a Capitol Rioter?

Toddlers have more teeth, smell better, and have thrown tantrums for more justified reasons.

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers?

The infantry.

Did you here about the old guy who gave toddlers dynamite?

He was a Baby Boomer!

I've started a diet where I only eat my toddlers' leftover food.

I've gained 10 pounds

What do toddlers and plastic surgeons have in common?

They're both nose pickers.

I just invented a way of powering the earth off of toddlers

Mine produces about 1000 what are's every day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does cocaine help toddlers stop shitting their beds?

Because children should be Sheen and not Heard

My toddlers Favorite joke:

kid: One of us is secretly an owl!

me: Who?

kid: It’s you!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They tried to cash in on Chuck Norris’s popularity by making a potty training seat for toddlers with Chuck Norris’s image on it.

But it failed miserably, because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.

Toddlers are like Jesus

They turn water into whine.

Toddlers can be pleasant.

But newborns could be placenta.

How many toddlers does it take to paint a garage?

One of you throw it hard enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many toddlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, 10 isn’t enough. Because my basement is still dark.

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers

LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out...

You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.

What do white supremacists send their toddlers to before kindergarten?

Pre-KKK

I gave my Marine buddy a gag gift.

I thought it would be funny to give him a 30 piece wooden jigsaw puzzle, intended for toddlers, as a birthday gift, but it backfired on me. Now, every time I see him, I have to listen to him brag about his puzzle skills.

"The box says 2-4 years, but I finished it in only a week and a half!"

A man and a blonde woman are talking about their children while waiting for them at nursery.

Man: “How many kids do you have here mam?”

Blonde: “Oh I have two toddlers. What about you?”

Man: “I have one that’s just under two.”

Blonde: “Look I know I’m a blonde, but I know how much one is.”

Men see size, dogs see age.

Toddlers see what they can get away with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man suddenly experiences severe pains, and makes it to the nearest hospital...

But unfortunately it's a children's hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are able to see him, but they determine he needs surgery.

Unfortunately, the hospital is ill-equipped for a man his size.

The first option was to send him to another hospital nearby, but he's feeling too ill for the...

I will always regret the time of my life where I stole Minivans

I was just so amazed that they made shoes for toddlers.

Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views...

...toddlers are the worst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

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