How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

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What do you do when your kitten poops?

Catch it.

What do you call a gigantic pile of kittens?

A meow-ntain

How many kittens does it take to paint a house?

That depends on how much splash damage you get when you launch them at the wall.

There once was a kitten that had 16 lives...

And then it got run over by a 4x4.

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When my kitten won the “Best Butt” prize at the pet show, it wasn’t just bad ...

it was a cat ass trophy.

An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

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Jimmy brought his kitten to school, he told his teacher his father was going to kill it

"I overheard Dad telling Mum that he would eat that pussy after I leave for school"

\-from a colleague

I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.



I gave my catalyst.

My five-year-old said he wanted a kitten for Christmas.

Usually we have turkey, but why not?

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The Queen gets a new kitten.

One day, the kitten simply disappears and the Queen can't find it anywhere. Hearing some faint scratching sounds in a hole in the castle wall, the King orders the hole widened. But, the wall cracks and comes crashing down. Luckily, the noise got the kitten to appear safely from a different hiding sp...

What do you call a kitten that lost their tongue?

Mew-t

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My kitten got a reward for having a fat ass

It was a catastrophe

A kitten and a Bengali tiger meet on a disused road

"Why so serious?"The tiger says to the kitten.

"I thought you were gonna eat me," the kitten replies.

"'Course not," the tiger says. "You're a cat; I'm a cat. No beef here."

"Yeah, good point. Haven't seen any cows for miles anyway."

A stray kitten showed up at my door.

I was like " you got to be kitten me.

There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a...

How do you call a kitten with 8 lives?

Octopuss

Three kittens are on a sloping roof...

Which one slides down the slowest?

The one with the highest μ

All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

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I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast.

Just so she could have a “titty tat.”

"Your kitten killed our Rottweiler."

"I'm sorry?"

"I said your kitten killed our Rottweiler!"

"My cute little kitten? I can't believe it. How?"

"He choked on it."

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

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What do you call the chances of finding a kitten among a litter of puppies?

The PUSSYbility

So I tried cat for the first time yesterday

Just kitten

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My uncle died in a flood of kittens last week but I'm not sad.

It's how he said he always wanted to go. Drowning in pussy

I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.

They sure are a handful to raise.

Cat puns really freak meowt

I am not Kitten.

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You might think I'm strange, but my favourite porn is where a kitten is saying "yes" or where a kitten is saying "absolutely"...

Those are my favourite catagrees.

Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”

Christian kittens.

A preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box.

When he got closer he could see that the box held a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher. "They're Christian kittens," replied ...

Free Kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket of furry animals; in her hand was a sign that read: FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall grinning man. "Hi there little girl...

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A woman was putting away laundry when the kitten ran across her feet.

Startled, she dropped the pants she was holding. Her husband laughs and says “damn, you mean I’ve been trying to get those off of you for all these years and your drop your pants for a little pussy”

There are two kittens sitting on a steep roof. Which one falls off first?

the one with the smallest *mu*

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**Preemptive explanation:**

Coefficient of friction. The coefficient of friction (COF), often symbolized by the Greek letter µ (pronounced *mew*), is a dimensionless scalar value which describes the...

What do you call a big pile of kittens?

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A Meowtin.



/told by my 7 year old niece this morning. I lol'ed pretty hard.

Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?

Because the shelter was non prophet.

[OC] Three little kittens are sliding slowly of a slanted metal roof. Which one hits the ground first?

The one with the littlest mew.

(This is a physics joke, by the way. I posted it to /r/physicsjokes shortly after I wrote it, but I thought I'd try here)

What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?

A cat-ass-trophy.

There was a situation where malware was shown as a kitten meme

The damage it caused was catastrophic

Chuck Norris has a kitten

Every night for a snack

How do you turn a kitten into a cow?

You marry her!

I saw a bunch of baby kittens by a dumpster...

Didn't anyone tell their mother not to litter?

Wanna hear a great cat joke?

Just kitten. I don't have one.

One man proposed that Geico switch their mascot to a kitten.

"Now, with only 15 minutes, you can save 15 purr-cent on cat insurance"

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A boy goes to school with his kitten...

...the teacher asks the boy "Why did you bring your kitten to school today?" the boy replies, "I heard daddy yelling last night I'm going to eat that pussy. So I brought him hear to protect him."

My technique with women is, I sneak up behind them and scream obscenities in their ear — when they turn round I’m wearing a nice sweater and holding a kitten.

I call it ‘Shock and Awwww!’

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The Royal Newspaper

The Queen was overjoyed to receive a new royal pet, a tiny Siamese kitten. But one day, the kitten simply disappeared and servants searching high and low could not find her.

One servant thought he heard a scratching noise behind a small mouse hole in the wall, so the King ordered the hole to...

I found a bag of kittens..

So I was on my way home the other night when I noticed a suitcase at the side of the road, I decided to run over and see what was going on and found it was full of kittens, so I gave the local cat home a call and told them about what I had just found, the lady asked if the kittens were moving, I sai...

Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle

Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again

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RIP

One night, Joe brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. “How lovely, dear,” she said, “what’s the occasion?”
“I want to make love to you,” he said simply.
“Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”

The next night Joe came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wa...

I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend.

I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead just robbed a bank.

They see the police cars are approaching so they escape to the back alleyway. There they discovered 3 big sacks. One sack full of kittens, one full of puppies, and the last one full of potatoes. They each get into a sack, hoping the cops won't notice them. A police officer checks the alley and sees ...

A blonde, a brunette and a readhead were running away from the cops.

A blonde, a brunette and a readhead were running away from the cops.
They spot a barn and they all run inside where the see 3 large empty canvas bags. They each hide in one of them. Minutes later the police officers enter the barn.
They search all around and finally get to the three bags.
...

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As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."

I was raised to listen to my elders...

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I spent three hours alone with two saucy sex kittens last night.

They were just kittens until my wife left.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.

Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from c...

new kitten

So I decided to teach my kitten to write. You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily. Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)

Why was the kitten fired from his telemarketing job?

For Catcalling

Last Christmas morning, I was so excited I ran downstairs and ripped open my Christmas present.

Sad thing is, it was a kitten.

What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

Hey, Reddit! Here's one about cats: why did the mother cat move her kittens?

She didn't want to litter.

What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard?

A lawn mewer.

(I wrote this yesterday).

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead have just robbed a bank are are on the run with the police hot on their tails. They run down an alley and find three empty boxes, so they each jump in a box. The police round the corner and approach the boxes. They kick the first box, containing the brunette. She y...

3 women rob a bank

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.

They all run down a dark alley trying to ditch the cop chasing them.

With nowhere to go, they see 3 burlap sacks. Sweet the redhead says, let's hide in those.

The cop rounds the corner and sees the 3 bags right away, he kicks the ...

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A man sees a little boy sitting on the curb

He watches him as he takes a M&M, pops it in his mouth and swallows it, picks up his kitten and bites it. Stands up walks 10 feet down the street, sits down, pops a M&M, bites the cat and moves another 10 feet. The man watches him for a bit as he repeats this over and over. Finally the man w...

I phoned the animal shelter today

and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."

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