UPJOKE
catkittylynxcheetahfelidaecarnivoremammalhamsterrabbitocelotjaguarleopardtigerclawpuma

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The Queen gets a new kitten.

One day, the kitten simply disappears and the Queen can't find it anywhere. Hearing some faint scratching sounds in a hole in the castle wall, the King orders the hole widened. But, the wall cracks and comes crashing down. Luckily, the noise got the kitten to appear safely from a different hiding sp...

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old)

You order it from the Cat-alogue

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."

“That's terrible," she replied, "We’re they moving?”

“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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Dad, please buy me a kitten

- No, daughter, there will be kitten's poop in every room.
- then buy me a tiger, daad.
- No, daughter. There will be our poop in every room.

Where was the astronaut kitten blasting off to?

Meowter Space

My French girlfriend is aggressively insisting we adopt a kitten

She stormed into my room and said "I think it's time you and I had a little chat"

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What do Japanese kittens take to school for lunch?

A bean-toe box!

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What do you do when your kitten poops?

Catch it.

Free Kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket of furry animals; in her hand was a sign that read: FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall grinning man. "Hi there little girl...

There once was a kitten that had 16 lives...

And then it got run over by a 4x4.

introverts are like kittens

Extroverts see them and go " I want *that* one"

[OC] Why did the pirate say he had cute kitten bandaids?

“To treat me owies…”

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

Christian Kittens

A preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box.

When he got closer he could see that the box held a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.

"They're Christian kittens," rep...

My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.

Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!

It's a real cat-ass-trophy!

A stray kitten showed up at my door.

I was like " you got to be kitten me.

"Your kitten killed our Rottweiler."

"I'm sorry?"

"I said your kitten killed our Rottweiler!"

"My cute little kitten? I can't believe it. How?"

"He choked on it."

My five-year-old said he wanted a kitten for Christmas.

Usually we have turkey, but why not?

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A rapist, a zoophile, a pedophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are all standing in a jail cell. .

The rapist: "I'd like to fuck something."

The zoophile: "A cat?"

The pedophile: "Even better, a kitten."

The sadist: "How about we beat the kitten up, and THEN have sex with it?"

The necrophiliac: "Alright let's beat a kitten to DEATH, and then have sex with it."

T...

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A boy goes to school with his kitten...

...the teacher asks the boy "Why did you bring your kitten to school today?" the boy replies, "I heard daddy yelling last night I'm going to eat that pussy. So I brought him hear to protect him."

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A kitten walks into a bar and yells to the bartender "I'm an alcoholic! I'm going to get black out drunk! So get me a double whiskey and tonic!"

The bartender warns, "I've told you before I can't serve you that!"

The kitten replies, "Don't be a pussy!"

The bartender slides him a drink. The kitten slams it down and passes out.

A patron asks the bartender, "Did you really give a kitten a whiskey and tonic?"

The bart...

Three kittens are on a sloping roof...

Which one slides down the slowest?

The one with the highest μ

There are three kittens on a roof (science/nerd joke)

There are three kittens on a roof in a rain storm. Which is the last to slide off?

The one with the highest mu.

............................................................


(mu (can't create the symbol) is the coefficient of friction. But I bet you knew that already)

what do you call a kitten who sings?

a mewsician

new kitten

So I decided to teach my kitten to write. You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily. Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowtain!

Why did the new mother cat put her kittens in the litter box?

She saw a sign, which read - Place your litter here.

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My kitten got a reward for having a fat ass

It was a catastrophe

Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?

Because the shelter was non prophet.

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Jimmy brought his kitten to school, he told his teacher his father was going to kill it

"I overheard Dad telling Mum that he would eat that pussy after I leave for school"

\-from a colleague

Atheist Kittens

So there's a guy named John and a woman named Pam. Pam walks up to John's box of kittens, Pam says "oh, what cute little kittens!" - John replies with "yes, they're christian kittens!
About one week later, Pam is with her husband Mark. Pam tells mark to go see the kittens. Mark says "oh, well th...

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I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast.

Just so she could have a “titty tat.”

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You might think I'm strange, but my favourite porn is where a kitten is saying "yes" or where a kitten is saying "absolutely"...

Those are my favourite catagrees.

Two kittens are on a sloped roof.

Which one slides off first?

The one with the lowest mew.

Two kittens are sitting on a sloped tin roof and start to slide down at the same time. Which kitten falls off the roof first?

The one with the smaller μ (pronounced mew).

What does a kitten, a donkey, and a the world cup have in common?

They live together. Catastrophe!

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When my kitten won the “Best Butt” prize at the pet show, it wasn’t just bad ...

it was a cat ass trophy.

I found a bag of kittens..

So I was on my way home the other night when I noticed a suitcase at the side of the road, I decided to run over and see what was going on and found it was full of kittens, so I gave the local cat home a call and told them about what I had just found, the lady asked if the kittens were moving, I sai...

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What do you call the chances of finding a kitten among a litter of puppies?

The PUSSYbility

What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?

A cat-ass-trophy.

How many kittens does it take to paint a house?

That depends on how much splash damage you get when you launch them at the wall.

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

How do you turn a kitten into a cow?

You marry her!

One man proposed that Geico switch their mascot to a kitten.

"Now, with only 15 minutes, you can save 15 purr-cent on cat insurance"

There was a situation where malware was shown as a kitten meme

The damage it caused was catastrophic

Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle

Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again

I saw a bunch of baby kittens by a dumpster...

Didn't anyone tell their mother not to litter?

I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.

They sure are a handful to raise.

Chuck Norris has a kitten

Every night for a snack

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A woman was putting away laundry when the kitten ran across her feet.

Startled, she dropped the pants she was holding. Her husband laughs and says “damn, you mean I’ve been trying to get those off of you for all these years and your drop your pants for a little pussy”

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My uncle died in a flood of kittens last week but I'm not sad.

It's how he said he always wanted to go. Drowning in pussy

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NSFW - Toto, why did you bring a kitten to the class?!?

\- Because I heard daddy say: "I'll eat that pussy as soon as children will leave for school!"

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As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."

I was raised to listen to my elders...

What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

[OC] Three little kittens are sliding slowly of a slanted metal roof. Which one hits the ground first?

The one with the littlest mew.

(This is a physics joke, by the way. I posted it to /r/physicsjokes shortly after I wrote it, but I thought I'd try here)

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The Royal Newspaper

The King and Queen decided to get pets, so the King issued a decree: "Handsome reward for finest Royal pets."

The Queen immediately falls in love with a white, long haired kitten, bred in a faraway land. After payment, the kitten disappears and the distraught Queen sends the entire staff to l...

There are two kittens sitting on a steep roof. Which one falls off first?

the one with the smallest *mu*

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**Preemptive explanation:**

Coefficient of friction. The coefficient of friction (COF), often symbolized by the Greek letter µ (pronounced *mew*), is a dimensionless scalar value which describes the...

Hillary sees a boy with a box of kittens

and asks the boy what kind of kittens they are. "They're Democrats!" replies the boy.

A couple of days later, she sees the boy again, and she has Bill in tow. "Hi! Tell my husband what kind of kittens those are!"

"They're Republicans!" replies the boy.

Confused, Hi...

I ran the double slit experiment a dozen times with two of Schrodinger's cats.

Now my lab is full of interfering kittens..

You've heard of the game Exploding Kittens? Well now there is a new game called Exploding Deer.

It'll get you the biggest bang for your buck.

I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend.

I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced.

What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard?

A lawn mewer.

(I wrote this yesterday).

When Olivia was 24 years old, her parents gave her a kitten for her birthday. The following year, Olivia broke up with her lover, and her lover's two year old tabby cat ended up staying with Olivia.

The following year, the tabby gave birth to six kittens. A year after that, Olivia adopted an orphaned black cat she saw on Facebook. Three years later 2 stray cats moved into her apartment. How many cats does Olivia have by the age of 30?


Enough to stay single forever.

A serial killer is chasing 3 young women through a farm

The three young women are a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The three women run into a barn and find three barrels to hide in. The brunette jumps into a barrel labeled "chicks". The redhead into a barrel labeled "kittens", and the blonde into one labeled "potatoes".

The serial killer foll...

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman...

...are robbing the manor house.

One of them trips the alarm and before you know it the cops arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing.

The three unlucky gents are in the kitchen, and looking around the Scotsman spies three empty sacks in the corner..." right lads....in the sacks...

I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.



I gave my catalyst.

A rich old lady called the veterinarian to come to her apartment due to problems with her female cat.

Vet: Is your cat spayed?

ROL: No. I didn’t think that necessary. She never goes outside.

The vet inspected the cat carefully.

Vet: Well, she must have gotten out at some time. She’s pregnant.

ROL: She can’t be. Since I had her as a kitten she has never been outside thi...

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

Hey, Reddit! Here's one about cats: why did the mother cat move her kittens?

She didn't want to litter.

[religion] Pat Robertson is on his way to buy some Depends.

As he's walking down the street, he sees a small boy sitting on the curb with a box of newborn kittens. He looks in the box of squirming, mewing kittens, and tells the boy "Those are about the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"

The boy smiles and says "Thanks! They're Christian kittens."

...

Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”

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The Royal Newspaper

The Queen was overjoyed to receive a new royal pet, a tiny Siamese kitten. But one day, the kitten simply disappeared and servants searching high and low could not find her.

One servant thought he heard a scratching noise behind a small mouse hole in the wall, so the King ordered the hole to...

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