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A woman was putting away laundry when the kitten ran across her feet.

Startled, she dropped the pants she was holding. Her husband laughs and says “damn, you mean I’ve been trying to get those off of you for all these years and your drop your pants for a little pussy”

Three kittens are on a sloping roof...

Which one slides down the slowest?

The one with the highest μ

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The Queen gets a new kitten.

One day, the kitten simply disappears and the Queen can't find it anywhere. Hearing some faint scratching sounds in a hole in the castle wall, the King orders the hole widened. But, the wall cracks and comes crashing down. Luckily, the noise got the kitten to appear safely from a different hiding sp...

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My uncle died in a flood of kittens last week but I'm not sad.

It's how he said he always wanted to go. Drowning in pussy

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I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast.

Just so she could have a “titty tat.”

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You might think I'm strange, but my favourite porn is where a kitten is saying "yes" or where a kitten is saying "absolutely"...

Those are my favourite catagrees.

There are two kittens sitting on a steep roof. Which one falls off first?

the one with the smallest *mu*

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**Preemptive explanation:**

Coefficient of friction. The coefficient of friction (COF), often symbolized by the Greek letter µ (pronounced *mew*), is a dimensionless scalar value which describes the...

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A Meowtain

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What do you call the chances of finding a kitten among a litter of puppies?

The PUSSYbility

[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens

The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man ...

I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.

They sure are a handful to raise.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

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A rapist, a zoophile, a pedophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are all standing in a jail cell. .

The rapist: "I'd like to fuck something."

The zoophile: "A cat?"

The pedophile: "Even better, a kitten."

The sadist: "How about we beat the kitten up, and THEN have sex with it?"

The necrophiliac: "Alright let's beat a kitten to DEATH, and then have sex with it."

T...

What do you call a big pile of kittens?

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A Meowtin.



/told by my 7 year old niece this morning. I lol'ed pretty hard.

How do you turn a kitten into a cow?

You marry her!

You've heard of the game Exploding Kittens? Well now there is a new game called Exploding Deer.

It'll get you the biggest bang for your buck.

I saw a bunch of baby kittens by a dumpster...

Didn't anyone tell their mother not to litter?

You want to hear a cat joke?

Just kitten.

Christian kittens

A fundamentalist preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he could see that in the box was a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.
"Why, they're Christian kit...

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”

So local vet‘s video ad was banned.

It was a video showing how they treat a wet tiny kitten after being attacked by a massive rooster.

One man proposed that Geico switch their mascot to a kitten.

"Now, with only 15 minutes, you can save 15 purr-cent on cat insurance"

I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend.

I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced.

Chuck Norris has a kitten

Every night for a snack

Surprise! A blonde joke!

A brunette, a ginger, and a blonde are all running from the police. They come across a barn and decide it’s the best place to hide. Once inside, they find a few empty burlap sacks. The police arrive after just a few minutes. Their dogs quickly move the officers towards the burlap sacks where these c...

Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle

Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again

[OC] Three little kittens are sliding slowly of a slanted metal roof. Which one hits the ground first?

The one with the littlest mew.

(This is a physics joke, by the way. I posted it to /r/physicsjokes shortly after I wrote it, but I thought I'd try here)

Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?

Because the shelter was non prophet.

What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?

A cat-ass-trophy.

My technique with women is, I sneak up behind them and scream obscenities in their ear — when they turn round I’m wearing a nice sweater and holding a kitten.

I call it ‘Shock and Awwww!’

Hillary sees a boy with a box of kittens

and asks the boy what kind of kittens they are. "They're Democrats!" replies the boy.

A couple of days later, she sees the boy again, and she has Bill in tow. "Hi! Tell my husband what kind of kittens those are!"

"They're Republicans!" replies the boy.

Confused, Hi...

Susan and Tom were caught in a terrible car accident

Susan and Tom were caught in a terrible car accident and found themselves standing before God at the entrance to Heaven. God looks down at them and says,
“You both have done well on Earth and have earned my love, you may.....”

Tom interjects, “Did we really die? I can’t remember any of ...

I found a bag of kittens..

So I was on my way home the other night when I noticed a suitcase at the side of the road, I decided to run over and see what was going on and found it was full of kittens, so I gave the local cat home a call and told them about what I had just found, the lady asked if the kittens were moving, I sai...

Free Kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket of furry animals; in her hand was a sign that read: FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall grinning man. "Hi there little girl...

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A boy goes to school with his kitten...

...the teacher asks the boy "Why did you bring your kitten to school today?" the boy replies, "I heard daddy yelling last night I'm going to eat that pussy. So I brought him hear to protect him."

new kitten

So I decided to teach my kitten to write. You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily. Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)

Why was the kitten fired from his telemarketing job?

For Catcalling

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As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."

I was raised to listen to my elders...

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead have just robbed a bank are are on the run with the police hot on their tails. They run down an alley and find three empty boxes, so they each jump in a box. The police round the corner and approach the boxes. They kick the first box, containing the brunette. She y...

What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard?

A lawn mewer.

(I wrote this yesterday).

What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

Hey, Reddit! Here's one about cats: why did the mother cat move her kittens?

She didn't want to litter.

A Brunette, Red head and a Blonde are on a quick getaway from the police.

The Brunette turns to the other two. "Look!" she says, pointing to an old beat up barn over the hill, "let's go hide in there!". So they pull off down the dirt road and park in front of this barn and run inside. As they walk in, they notice a big stack of large burlap sacks. The Red Head gets the br...

3 women rob a bank

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.

They all run down a dark alley trying to ditch the cop chasing them.

With nowhere to go, they see 3 burlap sacks. Sweet the redhead says, let's hide in those.

The cop rounds the corner and sees the 3 bags right away, he kicks the ...

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A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

So, a father comes home to his son one day and says that they'll have to move for a while. He's going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so the child has to stay with his uncle for a while. His uncle is a farmer, and so the boy arrives on the farm. He's only all...

Going to Heaven

A man comes home to find his daughter crying at the front door. She sobs, “I think kitty is dead, she’s on her back and not moving”. Sure enough the girls kitten is on the ground paws in the air. Trying to come up with a reasonable story, the man tells his daughter that Kitty is reaching up as God ...

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Titles are really hard, but jokes are a bit easier.

A scientist invented a machine that could combine anything for form a hybrid of the objects.


He goes to a convention to present the machine.
For his presentations he decided to combine himself with two objects.

He stands in front of the crowd and brings out a xerox machine an...

Pet shop

“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop.


“No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.”

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

What did the feline say when it couldn’t believe what was happening?

“You’ve cat to be kitten me right meow.”

I phoned the animal shelter today

and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."

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Two firefighters save a mother cat from a tree.

The owner promises them the kittens once they grow big enough, and the firefighters happily accept. Half a year later, the kittens arrive and they bring great joy.

The next day, the two firefighters receive an emergency call stating that a barn is burning. The men rush there and learn that a ...

Three women are running from the cops

after robbing a bank. One is blonde, one is redheaded, and the other of course is a brunette. After running through some wooded area, they come to a clearing and try to hide in a barn. When they get inside they see a few straw sacks lying on the ground. They decide to hide inside them.

One of...

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