Three kittens are on a sloping roof...

Which one slides down the slowest?

The one with the highest μ

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ve been trying to convince my wife to get a tattoo of a kitten on her breast.

Just so she could have a “titty tat.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the chances of finding a kitten among a litter of puppies?

The PUSSYbility

What do you call a big pile of kittens?

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A Meowtin.

​

/told by my 7 year old niece this morning. I lol'ed pretty hard.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens

The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man ...

I found five orphaned kittens and decided to foster them. I named them Thumb, Index, Middle, Ring, and Pinky.

They sure are a handful to raise.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rapist, a zoophile, a pedophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are all standing in a jail cell. .

The rapist: "I'd like to fuck something."

The zoophile: "A cat?"

The pedophile: "Even better, a kitten."

The sadist: "How about we beat the kitten up, and THEN have sex with it?"

The necrophiliac: "Alright let's beat a kitten to DEATH, and then have sex with it."

T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You might think I'm strange, but my favourite porn is where a kitten is saying "yes" or where a kitten is saying "absolutely"...

Those are my favourite catagrees.

There are two kittens sitting on a steep roof. Which one falls off first?

the one with the smallest *mu*

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**Preemptive explanation:**

Coefficient of friction. The coefficient of friction (COF), often symbolized by the Greek letter µ (pronounced *mew*), is a dimensionless scalar value which describes the...

Christian kittens

A fundamentalist preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he could see that in the box was a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.
"Why, they're Christian kit...

How do you turn a kitten into a cow?

You marry her!

I saw a bunch of baby kittens by a dumpster...

Didn't anyone tell their mother not to litter?

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, “I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.

Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. “Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten?” Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. “You see, no one cares about the Muslims.”

One man proposed that Geico switch their mascot to a kitten.

"Now, with only 15 minutes, you can save 15 purr-cent on cat insurance"

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

Chuck Norris has a kitten

Every night for a snack

Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle

Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again

[OC] Three little kittens are sliding slowly of a slanted metal roof. Which one hits the ground first?

The one with the littlest mew.

(This is a physics joke, by the way. I posted it to /r/physicsjokes shortly after I wrote it, but I thought I'd try here)

I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend.

I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced.

Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the animal shelter?

Because the shelter was non prophet.

My technique with women is, I sneak up behind them and scream obscenities in their ear — when they turn round I’m wearing a nice sweater and holding a kitten.

I call it ‘Shock and Awwww!’

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead have just robbed a bank are are on the run with the police hot on their tails. They run down an alley and find three empty boxes, so they each jump in a box. The police round the corner and approach the boxes. They kick the first box, containing the brunette. She y...

Hillary sees a boy with a box of kittens

and asks the boy what kind of kittens they are. "They're Democrats!" replies the boy.

A couple of days later, she sees the boy again, and she has Bill in tow. "Hi! Tell my husband what kind of kittens those are!"

"They're Republicans!" replies the boy.

Confused, Hi...

Free Kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket of furry animals; in her hand was a sign that read: FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall grinning man. "Hi there little girl...

What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?

A cat-ass-trophy.

A Brunette, Red head and a Blonde are on a quick getaway from the police.

The Brunette turns to the other two. "Look!" she says, pointing to an old beat up barn over the hill, "let's go hide in there!". So they pull off down the dirt road and park in front of this barn and run inside. As they walk in, they notice a big stack of large burlap sacks. The Red Head gets the br...

I found a bag of kittens..

So I was on my way home the other night when I noticed a suitcase at the side of the road, I decided to run over and see what was going on and found it was full of kittens, so I gave the local cat home a call and told them about what I had just found, the lady asked if the kittens were moving, I sai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two kittens walk down the street together,

and as they talk, one kitten gets panicked and starts to yell:

-You won't believe what I heard the other day!!!

Τhe kitten reaches the others kitten's ear and starts whispering.

The other kitten gets a terrified look on its face and says:

-LESBIANS EAT WHAT?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy goes to school with his kitten...

...the teacher asks the boy "Why did you bring your kitten to school today?" the boy replies, "I heard daddy yelling last night I'm going to eat that pussy. So I brought him hear to protect him."

new kitten

So I decided to teach my kitten to write. You might think it was pretty hard but he took to it easily. Before long he could do anything I could do.. Turns out he was a copy cat :)

Why was the kitten fired from his telemarketing job?

For Catcalling

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."

I was raised to listen to my elders...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

So, a father comes home to his son one day and says that they'll have to move for a while. He's going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so the child has to stay with his uncle for a while. His uncle is a farmer, and so the boy arrives on the farm. He's only all...

What do you call a kitten crying on the grass in the back yard?

A lawn mewer.

(I wrote this yesterday).

What happened when Sean Connery bought himself a little kitten?

The cat shat on the mat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Titles are really hard, but jokes are a bit easier.

A scientist invented a machine that could combine anything for form a hybrid of the objects.


He goes to a convention to present the machine.
For his presentations he decided to combine himself with two objects.

He stands in front of the crowd and brings out a xerox machine an...

Hey, Reddit! Here's one about cats: why did the mother cat move her kittens?

She didn't want to litter.

3 women rob a bank

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.

They all run down a dark alley trying to ditch the cop chasing them.

With nowhere to go, they see 3 burlap sacks. Sweet the redhead says, let's hide in those.

The cop rounds the corner and sees the 3 bags right away, he kicks the ...

Going to Heaven

A man comes home to find his daughter crying at the front door. She sobs, “I think kitty is dead, she’s on her back and not moving”. Sure enough the girls kitten is on the ground paws in the air. Trying to come up with a reasonable story, the man tells his daughter that Kitty is reaching up as God ...

Pet shop

“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop.


“No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.”

What did the feline say when it couldn’t believe what was happening?

“You’ve cat to be kitten me right meow.”

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

Wanna hear a joke about cats?

Just kitten, don't have one.

My mom said "I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed."

I said 'Hi, disappointed, I'm CrepuscularKitten.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two firefighters save a mother cat from a tree.

The owner promises them the kittens once they grow big enough, and the firefighters happily accept. Half a year later, the kittens arrive and they bring great joy.

The next day, the two firefighters receive an emergency call stating that a barn is burning. The men rush there and learn that a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: A collection of other [spoonerisms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoonerism) for your reading pleasure. And stop giving me sh... about not fu... cussing...

I phoned the animal shelter today

and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."

Three women are running from the cops

after robbing a bank. One is blonde, one is redheaded, and the other of course is a brunette. After running through some wooded area, they come to a clearing and try to hide in a barn. When they get inside they see a few straw sacks lying on the ground. They decide to hide inside them.

One of...

Cat puns freak meowt...

...I'm not kitten.

[religion] Pat Robertson is on his way to buy some Depends.

As he's walking down the street, he sees a small boy sitting on the curb with a box of newborn kittens. He looks in the box of squirming, mewing kittens, and tells the boy "Those are about the cutest kittens I've ever seen!"

The boy smiles and says "Thanks! They're Christian kittens."

...

I was formerly sad when my pets came and told me that my wife died

But they were just kitten.

Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies.

Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mum asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTH...

I have the greatest cat joke ever told.

Nah... just kitten

A serial killer is chasing 3 young women through a farm

The three young women are a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The three women run into a barn and find three barrels to hide in. The brunette jumps into a barrel labeled "chicks". The redhead into a barrel labeled "kittens", and the blonde into one labeled "potatoes".

The serial killer foll...

I used to tell this joke all the time in elementary school

Two guys are running from the cops at night. One is smart and the other is stupid.

They get tired of running, so they decide to hide in a shack they come across. The smart one hides inside an animal cage, and the stupid one hides inside a potato sack.

The cops start searching the shack...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The South American Cocksucking Iguana

A man is having problems with his wife. She's constantly nagging at him and he always seems to be in the dog house.


After a particularly big fight, he begins to drive around aimlessly. He passes a pet store and is seized by a brilliant idea. He'll get a pet for his wife! Maybe it will mak...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chinese man goes to a corner store

Chinese man goes to a corner store.

The owner looks up and sees him, being a typical liberal he decides to be nasty to the potential customer to make up for what he had read earlier during breakfast of herbal green tea and croissants. He had read that the Chinese regime ate Tibetan babies fo...

A teacher, a nurse, and an Army man were in a hot air balloon.

The balloon was too heavy so each of them dropped something off it. The teacher dropped an apple, the nurse dropped her medical bag, and the Army man drops a grenade. After they land, they go for a walk. They come across a little girl who's crying. They ask her what's wrong and she says an apple fel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] One day after a heavy downpour

a rooster and a kitten were walking by the roadside. Not long after, the kitten slipped and fell into a puddle of water and the rooster lost himself and started laughing hysterically.

And so guys, for every wet pussy, there's a happy cock.