UPJOKE
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Tick Jokes

When you're not home your clocks just go "tick, tick, tick."

Because they don't tock to themselves.
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Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
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What has 4 legs and ticks?

A dog
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I hope the Coronavirus issue gets resolved before tick season

Or else we'll have Corona with Lyme
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The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas.

The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Nazi say to the clock that only went: "tick ____ tick ____ tick ____" ?

"Ve have Vays of making you tock!"

Why did the tick starve to death?

It had attachment issues!
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What do the Eiffel Tower and a tick have in common?

They're both Paris sites.
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We finally removed some ticks from the donkey today.

They were being a pain in the ass.

What d you cal a very large tick?

Gigantic!
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What do you call a little guy in a pointy hat on a train saying "tick tick tick"?

A metro-gnome
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A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop..

A Husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 10 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
Soon, the bus arrives, but it is overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a whil...
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I didn’t like getting bitten by a wood tick

but it grew on me.
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What do you call a depressed tick from Rome?

A hopeless Roman Tick
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A man dies and goes to heaven

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.

He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"

Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."



The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock...
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Why did the German watchmaker say to the watch that kept saying "Tick, tick, tick, tick,..."?

"Ve haff vays of meking you tock."
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Time's ticking

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? Ten what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
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Got bit by a tick in China.

Now I have Corona with Lime.
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What kind of Tick is explosive?

A dyna-mite.
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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...
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My dad found a tick on my penis

Can't tell which sucks worse...

How do ticks get around?

They Itch Hike
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I really love the ticking of old clocks

My psychiatrist calls it a second hand emotion.
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Three ticks are living in a girls vagina

The first tick says “You know what? I’m gonna become an electrician so it won’t be so dark in here”

The second tick says “I’m gonna be a plumber so it won’t be so wet in here”

The third tick says “I’m gonna be a boxer” the other ticks look at him confused and ask him why would he want ...

Two dudes are in a Radio room. Guy 1 says there's this ticking noise.

guy 2 asks what frequency?

Guy 1 Says Frequent
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There is a ticking time bomb...

what did you expect this to blow up?
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Scientist say ticks will be especially bad this year

Guess we're going to have some cases of Corona with Lyme.
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Why do Mexican Vampires prefer Asians who have ticks?

They want that Corona and Lyme
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It seems like timers are always ticked off.

To be fair they are constantly getting wound up.
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The Clock is Ticking...

9:09

9:10

George Bush

9:12

9:13
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Tick Marks

The afternoon before the wedding, the groom Josh and his dad Dave are sharing a drink among the guests. Dave makes a bet with his son… …
…
“$500, even money, that I can shag your mother tonight more times than you fuck the brains out of your new filly,” dad says. …
…
It sounds like a sur...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...
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Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.
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Three Englishman go into a pub

They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!" ...

God I would hate it if this covid pandemic kept going all the way through to tick season.

I really don’t like corona with Lyme.
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Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...
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Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live

*Bob returned from a Doctor's visit and told his wife Alma that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.*

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Bob went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I ...
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What is another name for the tick-tock croc from Peter Pan?

A Clock-odile.
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What happens when you eat a bat and get bit by a tick at the same time?

That’s when the corona gets its lyme.
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A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked...
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Did you hear about Disney's new Tick Tock Crock ride?

It's killer.
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What did the doctor say to the man that came in with a nervous tick

Weird flex but okay
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Got my homework back and it's full of big green ticks.

Anyone know what bug spray will get rid of them?
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My 6 year old is coming up with dad jokes: What do you call Optimus Prime if he gets a tick?

Optimis-tick
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The ugly lady

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her,

\- "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same par...
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A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...
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It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.
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Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter “what is with all the clocks?”

St Peter responded, “These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.”

The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that wa...
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Bridge to Hawaii

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, **POOF** a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to...
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What's the difference between a boy clock and a girl clock?

A boy clock goes "tick tock, tick tock, tick tock" and a girl clock just tocks...and tocks...and tocks.
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Please don't make any more jokes about the Coronavirus...

My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite...

It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
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Girls hate it when I suddenly send them photographs of parasites

Turns out, no one wants unsolicited tick pics
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I once ran a podcast about bloodsucking arthropods.

But then one day I got a take-down notice and that was the end of Tick Talk.
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An original...

Unless you've heard it before

What's the difference between a tick and a cross?

Well ones right... the other is wrong!
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A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

*A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.*

Daughter: God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

Dad: why did you say that?

Daughter: I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

*The next day, grandpa drops ...
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Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......
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A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.
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Surely a robot can figure out how to tick a box on a website saying "I am not a robot""

I watched Terminator 2 and one of the fuckers flew a helicopter.

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.
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In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...
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One of my Grandpa's favorites: The Nazi POW Camp

In the middle of WWII, some British soldiers were captured by the Germans and taken to a POW camp. They were to be put to work on either the day shift or the night shift, round the clock so the work would never cease.

"Ve vill count off by twos," said the camp warden, "but you British pig-do...

A German man is sitting in a waiting room.

The clock on the wall is going Tick,.....Tick,.....,Tick,.....,
Suddenly he jumps up, rips the face off the clock, bends it's hands behind it's back and says...
"Ve have vays of making you Tock!"
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British clock in german hands

During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.

Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the c...
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An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...
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Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

Scientists have recently discovered a new bioluminescent bug that performs a strange dance any time there is a full moon.

They are calling it a Raving Luna Tick.
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I'm ashamed of myself for the dad joke I made today.

Coworker was talking about a Joe Rogan episode with Jim Miller where they talked about Lyme Disease.

We continued the conversation and at the end I said "I guess the kids have tik tok and we have tick talk." I don't know how to feel after that one. Had to share somewhere.
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I love studying blood-sucking parasites…

Really get into the nitty gritty of things and find out what makes them tick.
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Why did the influencer terrorist get arrested?

Because his tick tock blew up…
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What is the definition of politics?

Poly meaning many.

And ticks meaning blood sucking parasites.
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Did you hear the one about the mute clock with Tourette's?

It ticks a lot but never talks.
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A substitute teacher enters the class and asks:

"What do we call it when a muscle moves in our body involuntarily?"

No answer comes from the students. After waiting for a while the teacher decides to move on with another topic, but he sees a reluctant hand rising from the back row. The teacher tells him to answer. The kid replies:

"...
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I told my friends I was a blood sucking insect from the moon

they said I was a luna tick.
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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

what do kids with tourette’s and tall grass have in common?

ticks
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A guy goes to hell...

And as Satan is walking him through, they go through a room with a bunch of clocks on the wall.

“What are these for?” The man asks.

“These are the lives of politicians, every time they tell a lie, the clock ticks back,” Satan Replies.

“See,” Satan says, “There’s Gary Johnson’s”...
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A man dies and goes to heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven.

While entering the golden gates, he sees Saint Peter, surrounded by ticking clocks.

The man asks ¨what are those clocks for?¨

Saint Peter replies ¨These are lie clocks, and every time a person tells a lie, they tick. For example Mother Theresa gav...
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