So I asked my friend to hangout and he said, “Can’t, I tested positive for COVID-19, but do you have any deer ticks?

...because I could really go for a Corona and Lyme right now”

I can't wait for tick season

Then we can have corona with lyme.

I hope this virus gets cleared up before tick season...

Or else we’ll have Corona with Lyme

Whats the difference between a tick and the Eifel tower?

Nothing, they are both Paris sites.

It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.

What do you call a depressed tick from Rome?

A hopeless Roman Tick

God I would hate it if this covid pandemic kept going all the way through to tick season.

I really don’t like corona with Lyme.

My 6 year old is coming up with dad jokes: What do you call Optimus Prime if he gets a tick?

Optimis-tick

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

Picture This: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live in and around the mouths of Alpacas.

Global Chaos Ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca-lip-tick wasteland.

Stolen from r/dadjokes from u/habsfan1112

Scientist say ticks will be especially bad this year

Guess we're going to have some cases of Corona with Lyme.

Why do Mexican Vampires prefer Asians who have ticks?

They want that Corona and Lyme

What happens when you eat a bat and get bit by a tick at the same time?

That’s when the corona gets its lyme.

What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that would only go "tick-tick-tick"?

"Vee hav vays of making you tok".

There is a ticking time bomb...

what did you expect this to blow up?

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

I really love the ticking of old clocks

My psychiatrist calls it a second hand emotion.

A man enters the gates of Heaven...

And sees a wall of large clocks. He goes up to Saint Peter and asks, “Saint Peter, what are these clocks for?”

Saint Peter replies to the man, “These are the Lie Clocks. Every person has one, and every time you told a lie, it ticked once. Here... this is Abe Lincoln’s clock. It ticked four t...

What do you call ticks in an open relationship?

Politics

What did the CIA say to the clock that would only say, "Tick, tick, tick?"

Stop stalling. We have ways to make you tock!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You died and went to Hell. Satan is explaining why.

"You see, you're here because you masturbated too much. Each person here has a clock. The hands on the clock move based on how often you masturbated."

You say "oh come on, I did not masturbate that often."

"Well see that guy there? Look at his clock."

You look over at another pe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

Today, I made a tik tok.

Then I made the tick sit, roll over, and do a flip.

A man dies and goes to heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven.

While entering the golden gates, he sees Saint Peter, surrounded by ticking clocks.

The man asks ¨what are those clocks for?¨

Saint Peter replies ¨These are lie clocks, and every time a person tells a lie, they tick. For example Mother Theresa gav...

You know what really ticks me off?

Lyme disease. The ticks around here really suck.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A tick falls off when you die

Got my homework back and it's full of big green ticks.

Anyone know what bug spray will get rid of them?

A Rabbi is rushing to see a dying member of his congregation...

...in New York City. He's circling trying to find a parking spot by the hospital as tome is ticking down. After 15 minutes of circling, he looks to the sky and says "God, please help me find a parking spot." As his eyes move from the sky back to the road, he sees a car leaving a spot right in front ...

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#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

How do ticks get around?

They Itch Hike

So my clock only went "tick tick tick"...

and I took it in to a German watchmaker. He looked at it menacingly and said "Ve have vays of making you tock."

It seems like timers are always ticked off.

To be fair they are constantly getting wound up.

Please don't make any more jokes about the Coronavirus...

My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite...

It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three ticks are living in a girls vagina

The first tick says “You know what? I’m gonna become an electrician so it won’t be so dark in here”

The second tick says “I’m gonna be a plumber so it won’t be so wet in here”

The third tick says “I’m gonna be a boxer” the other ticks look at him confused and ask him why would he want ...

What kind of Tick is explosive?

A dyna-mite.

What did the doctor say to the man that came in with a nervous tick

Weird flex but okay

What do you call a tick that lives on the moon?

A lunatic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surely a robot can figure out how to tick a box on a website saying "I am not a robot""

I watched Terminator 2 and one of the fuckers flew a helicopter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Menachem Begin (the sixth Prime Minister of Israel) walks into a bar,

and to his amazement just down the end, talking to the bar-tender is no one but Adolf Hitler himself. Well Begin thought to himself, this is my chance to find out what makes this guy tick.

So he goes up to him and says, “Hitler, what the hell you doing here?”

Hitler looks over at Mena...

A priest was invited to attend a house party

.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was poin...

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the d...

A man walks into a diner

A man walks into a diner and walks over to the counter, he asks for an esspresso but the waiter replies that they dont serve esspresos at this diner. The man goes ballistic about him needing a fast to wake up and he needs to go to work now. He demands that they make him a fresh pot right now and the...

A man is riding a motorcycle down Pacific Coast Highway, living the dream, when all of a sudden the clouds start to form...

...he pulls over. Out of nowhere he hears a booming voice from above: "My son, you have lived a life of virtue, one that I would be proud of, ask me of anything and I will grant it."

Astounded the man thinks for a minute then says: "Well I wish that I could ride my bike to Hawaii. I wish ther...

A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop.

The guy says, "My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?" The German shop owner says, "I see. Follow me." The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it. He then proceeds to light up a sin...

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

The clock was bored of his tick-tock.

So it changed to a better tack-tick.

Every night before bed, daddy tucks in his daughter and reminds her to say her prayers...

Every night, his daughter finishes her prayers with "I love you mommy, I love you daddy, I love you grandma, and I love you grandpa."

Then one night, peculiarly, she says, "I love you mommy, I love you daddy, I love you grandma, goodbye grandpa"

"What?" says daddy.

"I just said ...

What’s a good way to pass time with some bugs?

Magic ticks!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reese and his girlfriend get pulled over for speeding

Reese: Is there a problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone
Reese: No, I was only going 65
Reese's girlfriend: Oh Reese, you were going at least 80
Reese: \*glares at his girlfriend\*
Cop: I'm also writing you a ticked for your broken taillight
Reese...

After testing positive in Tuscaloosa, my uncle Reamus ran out of ICU naked into the woods...

He checked back in two days later, covered in tick bites. I asked him what the hell he was thinking.

He replied, "Well... your Daddy's gonna die the way he lived: Corona and Lyme"

Why did the German watchmaker say to the watch that kept saying "Tick, tick, tick, tick,..."?

"Ve haff vays of meking you tock."

Did you hear about the guy up north with coronavirus?

Guy was feeling under the weather while camping and went to his doctor. Doc says, I'm sorry but you caught Coronavirus. Guy goes home and thinks well maybe this will be my last chance to go camping and heads to the woods for the night. Poor guy then gets bit by a tick. So back to the doctor again an...

Did you hear about Disney's new Tick Tock Crock ride?

It's killer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a clock and a surgeon that specializes in penis reconstruction?

One's a tick tock, the other's a dick doc.

The Clock is Ticking...

9:09

9:10

George Bush

9:12

9:13

24 Hours to Live

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Darling, ...

My dad and I disagree on the way fish move.

But I don’t see the point in arguing over salmon ticks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tick Marks

The afternoon before the wedding, the groom Josh and his dad Dave are sharing a drink among the guests. Dave makes a bet with his son… …

“$500, even money, that I can shag your mother tonight more times than you fuck the brains out of your new filly,” dad says. …

It sounds like a sur...

I hate when people make fun of my Tourette syndrome

It really ticks me off

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

A man dies and goes to heaven

In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks.

He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?"

Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once."



The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock...

Guest lists...

They tick me off.

Scientists have found crazed bugs on the moon.

Lunar ticks

My Favorite Politics Joke

A man goes to heaven.

He sees thousands of clocks everywhere.

He asks god why there are so many clocks.

God says that everyone, living or dead has a personal clock, and every time they tell a lie, it ticks one minute.

The man asks where Hillary Clinton’s clock is. ...

The clock makes my head itch.

First it goes tick, then there's the itch, and the tock removes it.

And it repeats on and on.

A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked...

When I joined the Navy

When I joined the Navy, I got stationed at the submarine base in San Diego. The captain of my submarine asked that all the new recruits meet with him the first morning at 6am.

So the first morning we all arrived at 6am and one new recruit named Bob walked up and handed the captain starbucks ...

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter “what is with all the clocks?”

St Peter responded, “These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.”

The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Englishman go into a pub

They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!" ...

What do you call a bug that hesitates before biting?

A nervous tick

The word "Politics" is derived from two Greek words

"Poly" meaning "many" and "ticks" meaning "blood sucking creatures"

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

Scientists have recently discovered a new bioluminescent bug that performs a strange dance any time there is a full moon.

They are calling it a Raving Luna Tick.

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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

What do you call a parasite that keeps looking over its' shoulder?

A nervous tick.

PP Issue

Husband comes home drunk and pees ALL over everything in the bathroom.

When he wakes up in the morning, his wife is super angry.

He asks "Why are you so ticked off". She looks at him with hands on her hips and says-

"**Urine Trouble**"

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