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Humans Jokes

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Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that enjoy having Sex

I had to have sex with a lot of animals to figure that out

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

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God: Creates humans as they were meant to be.

Also god: New rules! I need you all to cut the extra skin off your penis.

As long as there are humans, there will always be two sides that disagree with each other.

That is something everyone can agree on.

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2 dogs were very curious about how humans did sex so they hid under the bed when the owner brought home a girl

Dog 1 : Did you see that? She has only two teats?

Dog 2 : Yeah, and his tail is wagging in the wrong direction!!

Scientists have determined the optimal age at which humans are able to safely start using social media:

123 years old.

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Humans aren't the only creatures who stutter [NSFW for language]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. *"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"* she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, *"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."*

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to ...

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

Humans aren't the only ones who struggle with marriage.

Married Seals always struggle. Their marriages are always on the rocks.

TIL, Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swimmer faster in water

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle

computers vs humans?

The best joke on mankind is that computers ask humans to prove they are not robots...

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

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A shark was teaching his kid how to eat a human

So the shark told his kid, when you see a human make sure to turn around him one or two times and then you can attack him.
The kid asked: Why should I turn around him and not attacking directly?
The shark dad said: well, they taste better if you scare the absolute crap out of them first.

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

When did humans first start growing weed?

During the Stoned Age

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

If humans are at the top of the food chain...

Cannibals are one step above.

A normie and an anime watcher were having a debate if humans have souls.

Normie: People don't have souls.

Anime watcher: No they do.

Normie: Oh really? Then let's make a bet. We research whether or not people have souls and come back in a year to show our evidence.

Anime watcher: ok.

Normie: I bet $10,000, how about you?

Anime watcher: ...

what makes us really humans?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

Hell, I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

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2 vampires have an argument over eating humans

Vampire 1: "Why the fuck are you even arguing about this?! You ate a live human 2 days ago"

Vampire 2: "What's your point?"

Vampire 1: "So you can't have a go at me for for doing it!"

Vampire 2: "Its not the same thing"

Vampire 1: "They were in a coma! There's no differen...

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

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Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

We all know humans are just cat's slaves, right? Yes. So a human was looking for a new home, to his cats disapproval. When the human said "I am the owner, I call the shots" how did the cat respond?

You can't spell homeowner without meow.

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My wife asked me if I had heard that female dolphins have clitorises that are very similar to humans.

I asked her why she was telling me this.

She replied, "Do you think God did that on porpoise?"

Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

Humans are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

A man goes to see a psychologist..

'Doctor, I keep dreaming about two teams of rats dressed like humans that play football.'

'I see. Take this pill tonight, and the dream will be gone.'

'No, no. I can't do it tonight.'

'Why not?' Asked the puzzled doctor.

With a grin, the man said. 'Tonight's the final gam...

I used to kill humans for a living. Now, I kill insects;

You could say that I like being an... EX-terminator.

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

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God creating humans..

When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"

Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

"Fine", says God, "Women get mul...

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish

So if you're having difficulty getting something done, it's probably because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

I heard they’re rebooting The Godfather and replacing the humans with sharks

It’ll be called The Megalodon.

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because




ROBOTS CAN...

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Humans: Fuck off, Aliens!

Aliens: UFO!

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Fun fact: mountain lions pose a very low threat to humans. They're scared of us.

That's because they're big pussies.

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What do you call a scientist who investigates early homo sapien societies but excuses their violent behaviour toward Neanderthals and other sub-species of archaic humans?

An anthro-apologist.

Baby Roach: "Papa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?"

Papa Roach: "Suffocation. No breathing."

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