If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

If a group of lions is called pride, what do you call a group of humans?

Prejudice.

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

how to eat a human

a shark teaching his son " always circle around these humans 5 times before eating them"

the son replied " why can't I just eat them directly ?"

the shark replied " well, if you wanna eat them along with their feces it's your choice"

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Humans: Fuck off, Aliens!

Aliens: UFO!

Batteries have more in common with Jesus than humans do

They don't sin and they come back from the dead

If humans doing stunts is called a circus...

Then cars doing stunts should be called a Carcuss

What do humans and the universe have in common?

Both started with a big bang

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Humans have a nerve that runs from the back of the eyes to the anus.

Its called the anal-optic nerve. If you don't believe me, try pulling a hair from your ass and it will bring a tear to your eyes.

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Why do bulls have more children than humans?

.... Because bulls are horny....

Why do humans have two legs?

Because 3 would look ridiculous.

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours

and so they decided to call it a day

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon.

Did you know that humans, like elephants have evolved a very specific call to warn others about bees they have encountered?

Want to hear what it sounds like?

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“BEES!”

People say humans aren't stupid

Yet half of humanity are dumber than average.

Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?

I was shocked when I found out

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

A new study says humans eat bananas more than monkeys.

I believe it. I know lots of people who eat bananas and none who eat monkeys.

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

Baby Roach: "Papa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?"

Papa Roach: "Suffocation. No breathing."

Bear & Human encounters

If bears and humans live in close proximity, they can be prepared ahead of time for such encounters. Obtain airhorns and pepper spray.

If the first couple of blasts of an airhorn doesn't scare them off, then run at them with an airhorn blasting. If you get close enough, use the pepper spray...

"Humans only use 10% of their brain."

Or at least the ones that still quote this.

Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.

Unless you are a football team manager.

After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted earth. They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message:

*Hello people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty*

Fun fact: besides humans, frogs are the only animal known to take their own lives.

In other words they'll Kermit suicide..

Why can't humans hear over or under a certain frequency?

It hertz too much.

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*NSFW* What did the aliens that have sex with vegetables say to the humans when they came to earth?

We come in peas.

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

Swedish inventors have created cyborgs which are hard to distinguish from real humans.

Critics are concerned about the use of artificial Swedeners.

Satan got angry

satan got very angry till he started shouting and screaming so he was asked what happened to him

he replied " I keep tempting humans to steal and cheat others but after they get rich they start thanking god for the what they have, heck I was the one who got them there "

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

Some people say the difference between animals and humans is that animals never go to war.

They've never heard of Eric Burdon.

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

I never believed that scientists could clone humans...

...but once they proved me wrong, I was beside myself.

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

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