This Corona virus is a blessing

My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened in my life.

Look, if we're gonna get full-on racist about where the corona virus came from

we might as well call it the Kung Flu.

Never say c'rona virus.

That's how I contracted it.

Corona virus is just like pasta

The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.

Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis

Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..

“Made in China”

I asked my Russian friend today, if he is afraid of the corona virus.

He said "no! I have the antidote!" I said, really? What is it? He said "its vodka!" I didn't believe and said, vodka kills the virus? He said "no, but it kills the fear!"

As the world is encouraged to practise good hygiene in response to the Corona virus...

...the government gives a poignant demonstration by washing their hands of any responsibility.

I think that China is lying about how many people died from corona virus

They always show the same person when there's new cases

Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus

In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti

I was diagnosed with the corona virus at a brothel and the whole place was immediately quarantined.

Jeez, now I'll be stuck here for two weeks.

The Corona virus meets the Ebola virus. They start dating. One thing leads to another and the Corona virus bangs the Ebola virus.

Nine months later the Corolla virus is born.

A church decides that god will protect them from the Corona Virus

As a result, **they all agree that they should not wear masks**, because they trust god so much. Weeks later, they all are infected and die from the virus.

They go to heaven and ask god, **"why didn't you protect us?"**

God responded **"that's what the masks were for you dumbasses"**

ALERT‼️‼️‼️ The corona virus can be spread through money.

If you have any money at home, put on some gloves, put all the money in a plastic bag and put it outside the front door tonight.
I'm collecting all the plastic bags tonight for safety. Think of your health.

If Corona virus is just a beer virus..

Then it’s just a yeast infection!

LPT: If you hear a funny corona virus joke, please

laugh into your elbow.

It makes sense that venice has been hit hard by the virus.

where else can you be guaranteed that they won't run out of face masks?

Just think, a year from now we will all be laughing about the Corona virus.

Some of us anyway.

I think I might have prayed for Corona Virus...

On my way to work I yelled "please God do something about this terrible traffic!"


3 months later a super virus that targets old people and asians gets spread. Careful what you wish for...

Eminem is the first celebrity to get the Wuhan Virus.

A statement from his manager says that Eminem admitted himself to the emergency department because his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Doctors say he presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was moms spaghetti. Mathers said that he was "nervous"...

What's the difference between a 737-Max and the Corona Virus?

What's the difference between a 737-Max and the Corona Virus?

The Corona Virus is air born!

Good news, you don't have the Corona virus!

It's the Dos Eqius virus!

I'm not scared of the corona virus.

Since it's made in China, I don't expect it to be working for much longer. Looks good first, but falls apart after the first use.

Due to the corona virus...

The 5 second rule has now been reduced to the 3 second rule.

I'm just a man with Corona Virus looking for a girl to complete me

Hopefully she has "Lyme Disease"

Why did the basketball player with corona virus got kicked from the team?

Because he started to travel too much.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Corona Virus

Apparently the first member of this group has sadly died because of the coronavirus.

In their house they found 500 cans of assorted food, 100kg of pasta, 75kg of rice, 200 toilet rolls and 30L of hand sanitiser which he had panic bought from Tesco “just in case!”

The whole lot coll...

A foreign reporter asked a Beijing citizen for his opinion on the government's handling of the Corona virus

"I can't say"

What do you call an influencer with the corona virus...

An influenzer
But only if it goes viral...

What happened when the Corona virus reached Neverland?

It started a Peter Pandemic.

The World Health Organisation has stated that animals can't get Corona virus and that all dogs in quarantine should be released.

WHO let the dogs out!

Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...

Changed into jeans and was all good.

What do Sundays and the corona virus have in common?

The weakend.

The worst thing about the Corona Virus:

I have to start washing my hands again.

Here in WA state we had our first official Corona virus death near Seattle. Our grocery stores are practically empty from widespread panic. I really don't understand.

It's not going to last. It's made in China.

I don’t think it’s racist to call it the Wuhan virus

It’s just short for Washuhan Virus.

Because of the Corona virus: North Korean citizens

aren't allowed to leave the country, for the time being.

Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?

Because you’re taking my breath away

As the virus crisis rages on in Italy, many Italians are considering reverting back to monarchy.

It should be quite easy, seeing as they already have a coronation.

I'm quite worried about the corona virus...

It's got potential tequila lot of people.

Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta

All because of a fusilli people

How to avoid the corona-virus

Eat garlic. Lots of garlic.

It won't do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

How to name a virus... WHO version:

WHO HQ in 2003:
: There’s a new type of corona virus outbreak in Guangdong province in China.
: Let's call it Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome aka SARS.
: Excellent name. It does not refer to any specific location or people. So no one will be blamed or feared for it.

Also WHO ...

Breakthrough vaccine for the virus has been found

....eat two cloves of garlic every day. It’s useless, doesn’t kill the virus, but keeps everyone who can transmit it to you... a safe distance away!

„Man you heard about that Virus Outbreak in Italy?“

„Yeah man, looks like it’s being pasta round“

I'm not much of a conspiracy theorist,but I can't be the only one that noticed they are developing a vaccine for the Corona virus just in time...

To see if anti vaxxers are right .

How did the police know that the mononucleosis virus was murdered?

Because the Epstein-Barr virus didn’t kill himself

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

When a new virus is discovered, WHO decided it’s name?

Honestly, WHO?

How do we call a virus that was originated in anti vaxxers?

Moronavirus

So people have been in a fuss over the Corona virus recently...

Why can’t we just call it alcoholism? Political correctness has gone too far, I tell you.

I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed

Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.

What do you get when you mix Corona virus with Lyme desease?

A viral joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just caught that Wu tang virus from China.

That shit ain't nothin to fuck with

I’ve got the corona virus

But my doctor says it’s an alcohol addiction.

So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.

What would you call anti virus software run by tweakers?

S'norton

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

IF YOU SEE A LINK FOR KATE UPTON NUDES DON’T CLICK IT

IT’S A VIRUS THAT FORCES YOU ON CAPS LOCK

Coronavirus arrives in the USA.

Mexico: So, about that wall......

An coronavirus walks into a bar.

The Bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here"

The virus replies, "Well, you’re not a very good host.’”

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

Diamond Princess is a viruses best friend.

Dear people who wrongly say "ATM machine".

I hope you get the HIV virus.

I spilled a beer on my laptop and now it won't work

Must be the Corona Virus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you get a link called "free p0rn" don't opin it.

It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting.

I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it.

Plees warm you frends

Wanks

Why can't dyslexic people use the internet in China?

Because they get a virus when they open a bat

I'm worried about my flatmate. In the last week he has recently just purchased himself a new Ford, Tesla, BMW, Toyota

I think he might have a car owner virus.

Scientists in NY have made a major breakthrough with curing the Epstein-Barr virus.

New research suggests that half of the problem might go away on its own if you leave it alone in its jail cell.

Every day for the past week there have been more and more Toyota’s parked on my block.

I think the Corrola virus has arrived.

Joke my 8 year old son made up. Where do viruses come from?

Germany

One more notch on his belt.

The Corona Virus wears a mask out of fear of Chuck Norris.

My neighbour recently bought a BMW, a Volkswagen, 2 Fords, a Toyota and a Chrysler...

I think he's got the car-owners virus.

[Dark] Now that everyone is washing their hands throughly

Can we get a virus that would make people park properly?

I just bought a car.

I'm now at risk for the Car-Owner Virus.

Did you hear John McAfee (the founder of McAfee anti-virus) is facing a court case?

The trial is expected to last 30 days.

Doctor told me I have viral eye infection...

Must be the cornea virus

Disease are made of these...

Who am I to disagree? I've traveled the world now I'm quarantined, Every virus is looking for someone...

(Apologies to Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart)

Have you heard about this new computer attack on people who just bought cars?

It's all over the news - the New Car Owner Virus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every kid has done this at least once in their life

Billy: Mommy I don't feel good,I think I have measles, a fever, and the corona virus!

Mom: Oh honey-

Billy: Mom I think I am even going blind in my right eye! I have a headache, chicken pox to!

Mom: Ok should I-

Billy: Mom, I think I can't go to school today

Mom: I...

Improvised this the other day

My mom: Wow, this day just flew by.

Me: At least it didn’t Corona Virus by.

Beware

CORONA VIRUS WARNING!!!!

I don't want to alarm anyone but the coronavirus will soon spread in an irreversible way.
The first means of contamination are bank notes, don't touch them. Wear gloves and place all notes in a snap lock bag. Leave them in your letterbox and message me your address...

During these uncertain times I prefer to stay away from automobile dealerships.

Before you know it you have car-owner virus.

Me: Hey Boss, I Can't come into work today.

Boss: Why?

Me: I have a case of Corona\*cough\*

Boss: Please don't come in.

Me: It's not that bad of a...

Boss: No really. Don't come in.

Me: ...Beer

Boss: What did you say?

Me: ... See you in a month. \*Hangs Up\*

Good thing I didn't mention t...

I really think reddit was onto the sinister powers that run the world with the whole Epstein thing

I mean, they burned down half of Australia, almost started a world war, invented a new virus... just to distract us

[edit] : of course this post will be buried. And we know who did that. No way it will be because my jokes are lame.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Why does the Sun have sunspots?

Because it caught a Corona virus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.

But the virus was as fast as lightning.

Hope this joke goes viral....

How can you tell the difference between a regular virus and a retrovirus?

The 1970s haircut.

Did you hear about the virus that only infected children's computers?

Yeah I thought it was just a pdf-file.

What does your racist uncle have in common with the Ebola virus?

They both make Thanksgiving dinner uncomfortable for everyone.

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