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Virus Jokes

Before Corona Virus,I used to cough to cover a fart

Now I fart to cover a cough.

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good.

Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

(Credit: u/DrOctopusMD)

I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission.

That makes me sick

- Hi, my name is computer.

- Hi, Im virus! Where are you from?

- Im from USA. And you?

- Im from USB!

I gave the woman next door the Corona virus The husband was fuming, and I feel morally guilty

it goes against what I've been taught.

Thou shall no COVID the neighbors wife..

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

I just came down with the Peekaboo virus

It sent me to the ICU

What Do You Call A YouTube Sensation With A Computer Virus?

A social influenza.

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

I’m gonna tell you a joke about corona virus...

You have to wait 2 weeks to see if you get it!

Your Momma is so ugly...

The whole world faked a virus, just to make her wear a mask.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..

“Made in China”

Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example...

It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.

Texas:

Where a virus has reproductive rights and a woman doesn’t.

All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

[OC] A genie grants a man his first two wishes, and the man was so upset with how the wishes turned out, that for his third wish, he wished that the genie would go to hell.

The genie arrives in hell, and the Devil is surprised. "We've never had a genie down here before!" the Devil exclaims.

The genie says, "Well, I guess you're my new master, would you care to make your first wish?"

The Devil gets very excited, and quickly replies, "YES! I've been dreamin...

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded ‘Peek-a-Boo virus’...



I’m being transferred to ICU.

Trump couldn't find the cure for the Coronavirus...

But the Coronavirus may have found the cure for Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Contagious…….(Read in an Aussie accent)

Miss Hamlet is teaching the 6 year olds new words. “Contagious” she says. Can anyone use “contagious” in a sentence?

Mary puts up her hand and says “the corona virus is very contagious!”
“Well done” says miss Hamlet, “next?”

Timmy put his hand up and shouts “chicken pox are contagi...

Everyone in my family has become a huge fan of 80's pop band The Knack

We all have Sharona virus.

The farmer who had a horse and a goat.

This Will Blow Your Mind.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to ...

I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed

Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

We switched from corona virus to the Third World War..

..which idiot changed from zombie mode to multiplayer?

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

I tried to make a corona virus joke last year.

Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

A girl I’m hitting on just caught the Corona virus

I might have a chance now, as she’s lost all her taste...

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Corona Virus is like my virginity

My uncle has it.

(I know its not that funny but its 12:53 and it just popped into my head.)

What do guns and corona virus have in common

They were both created in China now every American has one

I must have that new Monkey Pox virus :(

I think Im going bananas

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War?

Trump dodged the Vietnam War.

Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump

You could call it the car owner virus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down

By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?

There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus

Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

How do we know that the COVID virus wasn't made in China?

Because it has been 3 years and it's still working

Do you feel Nauseous while filling up your vehicle?

Dizzy when you go in to pay?

You might be suffering from CarOwner Virus.

Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling the Peekaboo Virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

Thankfully it's not another virus we have to worry about.

The police have found a large number of dead crows on the 101 just north of
Ventura early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed
the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

The world health organization declared that dogs cannot contract the Corona virus.

All dogs held in quarantine have been released. So to clarify.... WHO let the dogs out.

I made a Corona virus joke the other day

People said it was tasteless.

I hope this virus gets cleared up before tick season...

Or else we’ll have Corona with Lyme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Corona Virus and sex?

Most Redditors lack the social skills to get both.

As the world is encouraged to practise good hygiene in response to the Corona virus...

...the government gives a poignant demonstration by washing their hands of any responsibility.

Don’t know why my fishing buddy is worried about getting the corona virus

He never catches anything!

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

Amazing Really

A man spills a new RNA virus on himself and immediately begins turning into corn. He rushes into the doctors office and says "help me doc, can you do something about it?!"

The doctor says, "I have a theory on what we can do".

The man says, "I'm all ears."

Coronavirus

I bet the guy who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing his hands together now.

Why were the ants unaffected by the covid virus?

They have lil anty bodies.

2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.

And now we have a virus.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

My computer died after getting a virus.

It was a terminal illness.

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

This corona virus is a lot like my girlfriend....

It came for everyone else but me.

What has gone down since carona virus has showed up?

School Shootings

I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....

But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.

I think that China is lying about how many people died from corona virus

They always show the same person when there's new cases

During the corona virus lockdown I've lost 95kgs

I'm ganna miss the wife and kids

I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"

Please don't make any more jokes about the Coronavirus...

My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite...

It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.

I invented a new aftershave in honour of the Omicron virus

I named it ‘Leave me the Far Cologne’

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

Did you hear about the new virus called the Peekaboo virus?

They recommend that if you get it, go straight to the ICU.

New Pandemic Virus

Scientists are now concerned about a new virus which could become the next pandemic, which they have called the "peekaboo" virus. Patient who get the Peekaboo virus are put in ICU.

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

Did you hear about the virus that only infected children's computers?

Yeah I thought it was just a pdf-file.

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

I’m starting to think Corona Virus is a girlfriend

It explains how I’ve come in close contact three times, but never got it

How do you call it when a mosque temporarily closes because of a virus?

Qurantine!

A foreign reporter asked a Beijing citizen for his opinion on the government's handling of the Corona virus

"I can't say"

I'm quite worried about the corona virus...

It's got potential tequila lot of people.

Corona virus is much like pasta

Invented by the Chinese.

Spread by the Italians.

Don't let corona virus dominate you, don't let it take over your lives, I know there is a risk, I know there is a danger

but that's okay, now *I'm* better



*quick note: that's not a joke that's literally what he just said*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker...

So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus

How do Covid viruses greet one another?

What's up Omi?

Why are bacteria better than viruses?

Because viruses don't have culture

What idiot called it "The Corona Virus"

When they missed a oppertunity to call it "The Kung Flu"

So I think I have the corona virus.

One of the symptoms is a loss of taste, and for a brief moment I thought Justin Bieber was talented.

If you could choose one NFL team to not come back after the Corona Virus, which one would you choose?

And why did you choose the Patriots?

At the pharmacy, I asked if they had anything that kills the corona virus.

She said "ammonia cleaner."
I said "Sorry, I thought you worked here."

I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus pandemic

but when I got to the store I was told that pants and a shirt were also required

China just released the name of the first man with Corona Virus

Ah Chu

Chuck Norris Caught CoronaVirus

The CoronaVirus is now hospitalized on ventilator support.

I installed anti-virus on my PC

Now the damned thing has autism.

The life changing virus

Q: What is the most influential virus?
A: Influenca

Have you heard about that new virus that is devastating the bird population?

It’s called Chirpies.

What’s most heartbreaking about it is that it’s...

untweetable.

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

What kind of computer virus attacks kids

A PDF file

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds

It now infects bat man and robin

My wife is really worried about our upcoming cruise because of the Corona Virus.

I said, “Don’t worry. We are all on the same boat.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

What does Keanu Reeves and the corona virus have in common?

They’re both breathtaking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's intentionally trying to get the virus

A sick fuck!

The COVID-19 virus in the US is unprecedented

Edit: un-presidented

What does a virus need to do in order to reach more people?

It needs to strain itself.

With all this Corona virus going around, I'm really worried about Kevin Bacon.

He's always at most 6 degrees away from someone.

Scotland know the right way to deal with corona virus...

They’ve gone into full loch down.

A church decides that god will protect them from the Corona Virus

As a result, **they all agree that they should not wear masks**, because they trust god so much. Weeks later, they all are infected and die from the virus.

They go to heaven and ask god, **"why didn't you protect us?"**

God responded **"that's what the masks were for you dumbasses"**

I heard the British government is really worried about the Corona Virus,

The Prime Minister can hardly breathe.

They say that if enough Antarctic ice melts more and more viruses will emerge...

I guess that means COVID is only the tip of the iceberg!

I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn’t have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.

Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.

what does the virus and late-night-tv have in common?

they both need a host

When a new virus is discovered, WHO decided it’s name?

Honestly, WHO?

I’m surprised the Corona virus started in China

I thought it would have started in Mexico.

What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?

No country for old men

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