Before Corona Virus,I used to cough to cover a fart

Now I fart to cover a cough.

All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...

Edit : Thanks for the 1k guys...

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

What do guns and corona virus have in common

They were both created in China now every American has one

This Corona virus is a blessing

My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened in my life.

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Corona virus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

The spread of Corona Virus is based on 2 factors:

1. How dense the population is.

2. How dense the population is.

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

Why were the ants unaffected by the covid virus?

They have lil anty bodies.

Corona Virus Symptoms Basically Are The Same Feelings You Get When Your Wife Is Checking Your Phone

-Difficulty In Breathing -Sweating Profusely

-Weakness

-Headache

-Stomach Ache

And when you are asked a question the dry cough starts.

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

The way the US is handling the virus is INGENIOUS!!!

You can’t get a second wave, if the first one never ends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's intentionally trying to get the virus

A sick fuck!

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

I made a Corona virus joke the other day

People said it was tasteless.

I hope this virus gets cleared up before tick season...

Or else we’ll have Corona with Lyme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

During the corona virus lockdown I've lost 95kgs

I'm ganna miss the wife and kids

So I think I have the corona virus.

One of the symptoms is a loss of taste, and for a brief moment I thought Justin Bieber was talented.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Corona Virus and sex?

Most Redditors lack the social skills to get both.

Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis

Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

Never say c'rona virus.

That's how I contracted it.

Corona virus is just like pasta

The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.

The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television.

The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.

What has gone down since carona virus has showed up?

School Shootings

A new study has found that cats cannot transmit the Covid 19 virus to us humans, ...

...but, the study also found, if they could do it to us they would.

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds

It now infects bat man and robin

New viruses

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attac...

Doesn’t wearing a mask make you more likely to get the virus?

After all, your face is covid.

At the pharmacy, I asked if they had anything that kills the corona virus.

She said "ammonia cleaner."
I said "Sorry, I thought you worked here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

China’s lack of transparency on virus is fuelling rumors: US experts

It’s basically all this he said Xi said bullshit.

What do you do when your phone gets a virus?

Make a Telehealth appointment.

Look, if we're gonna get full-on racist about where the corona virus came from

we might as well call it the Kung Flu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Corona Virus is like my virginity

My uncle has it.

(I know its not that funny but its 12:53 and it just popped into my head.)

I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....

But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.

The world health organization declared that dogs cannot contract the Corona virus.

All dogs held in quarantine have been released. So to clarify.... WHO let the dogs out.

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

Another preventable Corona virus death

Wife: Did I get fat during the quarantine?
Husband: You were never really skinny.

Time of Death: May 3,2020 9:51pm
Cause of Death: Corona virus

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..

“Made in China”

They name a virus after a beer, and what do we do?

Whine.

The Legos stores have finally reopened in Europe after Corona virus,

People have literally been lining up for blocks!!

The Corona virus must have been invented by women, all the proof is there!

1. No sports on TV
2. All bars and clubs closed
3. Weeks in quarantine where you need to do all these odd jobs you kept on postponing
4. Symptoms of Corona are flu like and they know we're extra vulnerable for that
5. To rub it in our faces, they even named it after a beer!

Corona virus is kinda like my jokes

Funny at first but people are starting to get concerned now

If you could choose one NFL team to not come back after the Corona Virus, which one would you choose?

And why did you choose the Patriots?

My friend said that Donald Trump had found someone to blame over the Corona virus outbreak...

I asked him,'Who?'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ireland’s on lock down due to the virus!!

Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army.

They are given a rifle each and told...

“Listen up men! We are on the lookout for Virus Curfew offenders.

Martial law has been declared!

Anyone caught out after 6 PM ……….. it's SHOOT TO KILL”!!!

On their ...

You can't be too careful with this corona virus...

I just called my mother in-law not to come over for Christmas.

I asked my Russian friend today, if he is afraid of the corona virus.

He said "no! I have the antidote!" I said, really? What is it? He said "its vodka!" I didn't believe and said, vodka kills the virus? He said "no, but it kills the fear!"

Don’t know why my fishing buddy is worried about getting the corona virus

He never catches anything!

Do you wanna hear a Corona virus joke?

Nevermind, you'll probably spread it around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn’t have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.

Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.

Yo mama so ugly

Yo momma so ugly the whole world faked a virus and ruined the economy just to make her wear a mask

Damn girl, are you Corona Virus?

Because I wouldn't mind spending 2 weeks in bed with you.

Why was Panic! At the disco so worried about carona virus?

They know its a fever you cant sweat out

What does Keanu Reeves and the corona virus have in common?

They’re both breathtaking.

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

How is Snoop Dogg combating the corona virus?

Bleeaoch!

It's 2020. We need to WAKE UP. The biggest threat to humanity is here. This world is dying. We NEED to do something about this. We can't let this virus take over humanity.

Someone delete TikTok ffs.

I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.

As the world is encouraged to practise good hygiene in response to the Corona virus...

...the government gives a poignant demonstration by washing their hands of any responsibility.

Schrodinger's Virus

We all have Schrodinger's Virus now.

Because we can't get tested, we can't know whether we have the virus or not.

We have to act as if we have the virus so that we don't spread it to others.

We have to act as if we've never had it cause if we didn't have it we are not immune....

I heard the British government is really worried about the Corona Virus,

The Prime Minister can hardly breathe.

Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus

In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti

Many people underestimate the benefits of wearing face masks. Besides preventing the transmission of the Covid virus,

we don't have to see your ugly face anymore.

The COVID-19 virus in the US is unprecedented

Edit: un-presidented

If you're against medicare for all even after the Corona virus outbreak...

...you've probably been paying attention to how poorly the federal government is doing providing medical services

With all this Corona virus going around, I'm really worried about Kevin Bacon.

He's always at most 6 degrees away from someone.

The real reason I dont like shaking people's hands now isn't because of the virus...

It's because everyone is out of toilet paper....

I think that China is lying about how many people died from corona virus

They always show the same person when there's new cases

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I followed some advice I heard on tv and shoved a lightbulb up my ass to kill this virus.

So far no effect, but it sure gave my colon a great idea.

I hear all the kids that did the Tide Pod challenge can't get the Corona virus...

Because their social distancing is 6 feet vertical.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are people buying so much toilet paper for the corona virus

Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves

A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus.

After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was l...

Donald Trump refers to the Coronavirus as the “Chinese Virus” because...

... he’s had enough of the Spanish Flu

What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?

No country for old men

Why did the prime minister think that Australia was save from the virus?

They got new fire walls last year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is common between a porn actress and the covid virus

They love to be covered in protein.

What kind of vehicle does a virus drive ?

I'm not sure, but I hear this virus is a car owner

China just released the name of the first man with Corona Virus

Ah Chu

I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus outbreak

Upon getting to the store i was told that pants and a shirt was also required

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

I was diagnosed with the corona virus at a brothel and the whole place was immediately quarantined.

Jeez, now I'll be stuck here for two weeks.

How do you know if you got the virus from Donald Trump?

You develop a dry covfefe

A virus in a nursing home is like a dad joke.

Everyone gets it.

Did you here about the new movie coming out about the corona virus?

It’s directed by Tentin Quarantino.

I had an issue at the toilet due to the Corona Virus..

I had run out of toilet paper so I had to use socks..

dumb name for a hamster anyways.

Donald Trump is receiving a CoViD-19 briefing in the Oval Office.

The head of the CDC tells the president that today 14 Brazilian people have died from the virus.

Trump shouts “Oh my GOD!” and slams his head down in his hands on the Resolute Desk. He begins to weep.

After a minute or so, he collects himself, looks up from his desk, and asks his advi...

I was planning a school shooting, but had to cancel it because of the virus.

Apparently filming school documentaries isn't "essential".

A foreign reporter asked a Beijing citizen for his opinion on the government's handling of the Corona virus

"I can't say"

if bats could talk what would they say about the corona virus?

Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!

This corona virus is really pulling the country together.

I'm currently having a water fight with my neighbour who's a Manchester United fan. Just waiting for the kettle to boil.

A church decides that god will protect them from the Corona Virus

As a result, **they all agree that they should not wear masks**, because they trust god so much. Weeks later, they all are infected and die from the virus.

They go to heaven and ask god, **"why didn't you protect us?"**

God responded **"that's what the masks were for you dumbasses"**

You know who didn’t die from the corona virus?

Jeffery Epstein

ALERT‼️‼️‼️ The corona virus can be spread through money.

If you have any money at home, put on some gloves, put all the money in a plastic bag and put it outside the front door tonight.
I'm collecting all the plastic bags tonight for safety. Think of your health.

Why Bill Gates should lead the team to find the Corona Virus cure?

He has been dealing with viruses since Windows 3.0

I'm quite worried about the corona virus...

It's got potential tequila lot of people.

what does the virus and late-night-tv have in common?

they both need a host

Maybe if I express my feelings to the virus it will leave..

Welp.

So countries are basically competing to most effectively manage a virus that makes people cough and sneeze. Does that make this...

A Cold War?

Corona Virus defeated

Breaking news from China :” No death cases of corona virus reported in China for 3 days and only 5 new infections, all communist part officials”

In totally unrelated news ;” a surge in suicides in China reported , all victims killed them self withe 2 bullets to the back of the head and hav...

Difference between a wife and a girlfriend

A grandson asked his grandpa one question while on the way back from school.

Grandson: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

Grandpa thought for a minute and simplified the explanation like this:

Grandpa: Listen young one, a wife is like a TV and a girlfriend i...

The Corona virus meets the Ebola virus. They start dating. One thing leads to another and the Corona virus bangs the Ebola virus.

Nine months later the Corolla virus is born.

If Corona virus is just a beer virus..

Then it’s just a yeast infection!

Corona Virus Is Very Respectful

It's the disease that came into the country and went to greet the leaders first

LPT: If you hear a funny corona virus joke, please

laugh into your elbow.

Told my daughter basketball season was postponed because of the virus...

She said "they should ban baseball instead". Asked her why and she goes "wasn't this all caused by bats?"

Who names these viruses?

Yes

Two Irishmen are chatting. One says to the other, did you hear about the new virus from China?

I thought it was a panda, Mick.

It makes sense that venice has been hit hard by the virus.

where else can you be guaranteed that they won't run out of face masks?

Eminem is the first celebrity to get the Wuhan Virus.

A statement from his manager says that Eminem admitted himself to the emergency department because his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Doctors say he presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was moms spaghetti. Mathers said that he was "nervous"...

Everyone is freaking out about Tom Hanks having the Corona virus.

I'm just happy that we finally know what Jenny had.

I think I have the Corona virus....

Or maybe it’s Dos Equis because it feels 2X as bad.

Just think, a year from now we will all be laughing about the Corona virus.

Some of us anyway.

Abbot and Costello meet the Corona Virus

The World Health Organization says Corona is officially a pandemic.

Who says that?

Yes. 

Who said it's a pandemic?

That's right! They also said don't touch anyone.

Who? 

Anyone! 

I'm asking, WHO said don't touch anyone? 

Absolutely. And...

My friend was grateful when I told her about the supernatural cure for the virus.

I knew I made the right choice when I told her witch doctor to go to.

Ironically the covid-19 virus has managed to unite the people of the world

By making us stay as far away from each other as possible

The timing of the Corona Virus is perfect for St.Patrick’s Day

Because the cases keep Dublin.

Due to the corona virus my wedding planned for the 8th of May got cancelled

The good news is that this will give me some time to find someone to marry

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