Before Corona Virus,I used to cough to cover a fart

Now I fart to cover a cough.

All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...

Edit : Thanks for the 1k guys...

This Corona virus is a blessing

My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened in my life.

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded ‘Peek-a-Boo virus’...



I’m being transferred to ICU.

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

What do guns and corona virus have in common

They were both created in China now every American has one

The spread of Corona Virus is based on 2 factors:

1. How dense the population is.

2. How dense the population is.

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

Did you hear about the new virus called the Peekaboo virus?

They recommend that if you get it, go straight to the ICU.

Thankfully it's not another virus we have to worry about.

The police have found a large number of dead crows on the 101 just north of
Ventura early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed
the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
Th...

New Pandemic Virus

Scientists are now concerned about a new virus which could become the next pandemic, which they have called the "peekaboo" virus. Patient who get the Peekaboo virus are put in ICU.

The life changing virus

Q: What is the most influential virus?
A: Influenca

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

I’m gonna tell you a joke about corona virus...

You have to wait 2 weeks to see if you get it!

Did y’all hear of the computer virus coded by the librarian?

It was Dewey Decimalware

How do you call it when a mosque temporarily closes because of a virus?

Qurantine!

A girl I’m hitting on just caught the Corona virus

I might have a chance now, as she’s lost all her taste...

Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling the Peekaboo Virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

This corona virus is a lot like my girlfriend....

It came for everyone else but me.

They say that if enough Antarctic ice melts more and more viruses will emerge...

I guess that means COVID is only the tip of the iceberg!

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

Why were the ants unaffected by the covid virus?

They have lil anty bodies.

My wife is really worried about our upcoming cruise because of the Corona Virus.

I said, “Don’t worry. We are all on the same boat.”

Scotland know the right way to deal with corona virus...

They’ve gone into full loch down.

What kind of computer virus attacks kids

A PDF file

I was told that wearing a mask and gloves would be enough during the corona virus pandemic

but when I got to the store I was told that pants and a shirt were also required

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

Never say c'rona virus.

That's how I contracted it.

What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War?

Trump dodged the Vietnam War.

What does a virus need to do in order to reach more people?

It needs to strain itself.

Yo mamma so ugly...

The whole world faked a virus just to get a mask on her face.

I’m starting to think Corona Virus is a girlfriend

It explains how I’ve come in close contact three times, but never got it

I hope the far east finally collaborates with the u.s. on eradicating the virus.

I mean, it's Christmas day, we could use the good China.

How do we know the corona virus wasn't made in China?

Because we've had it for almost a year now and it's still working

As the virus raged, the doctor realized his entire ward was dying fast...

As the virus raged, the doctor realized his entire ward was dying fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One stricken man responded. "Yes, Doctor, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the doctor, "you pray while the rest of us try this new vaccine - we're one dose short."

I hope this virus gets cleared up before tick season...

Or else we’ll have Corona with Lyme

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Corona virus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis

Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

Corona virus is just like pasta

The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Corona Virus and sex?

Most Redditors lack the social skills to get both.

I asked my Russian friend today, if he is afraid of the corona virus.

He said "no! I have the antidote!" I said, really? What is it? He said "its vodka!" I didn't believe and said, vodka kills the virus? He said "no, but it kills the fear!"

If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.

Don't let corona virus dominate you, don't let it take over your lives, I know there is a risk, I know there is a danger

but that's okay, now *I'm* better



*quick note: that's not a joke that's literally what he just said*

Why shouldn't you play pokemon in the middle of multiple virus pandemics?

You might catch 'em all

I made a Corona virus joke the other day

People said it was tasteless.

During the corona virus lockdown I've lost 95kgs

I'm ganna miss the wife and kids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

So I think I have the corona virus.

One of the symptoms is a loss of taste, and for a brief moment I thought Justin Bieber was talented.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Corona Virus is like my virginity

My uncle has it.

(I know its not that funny but its 12:53 and it just popped into my head.)

The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television.

The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.

What has gone down since carona virus has showed up?

School Shootings

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..

“Made in China”

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"

I went to CVS to get toilet paper and they ran out because of the virus.

So I bought a candy bar and the receipt gave me enough to last for weeks.

As the world is encouraged to practise good hygiene in response to the Corona virus...

...the government gives a poignant demonstration by washing their hands of any responsibility.

What's the difference between Romeo & Juliet and Covid?

One is a Verona crisis. The other's a Corona virus.

They name a virus after a beer, and what do we do?

Whine.

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

Trump couldn't find the cure for the Coronavirus...

But the Coronavirus may have found the cure for Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's intentionally trying to get the virus

A sick fuck!

So many weird stuff on the internet these days

Makes me think if corona virus was just a 'you are what you eat' by a Batman fan.

Hey baby do you have the Corona virus?

Because I can’t stop looking achoo

This year is all about noticing things we should’ve done differently. Should’ve done more to stop the spread of the virus, police brutality, wildfires, climate change...but you know what they say about hindsight...

It’s 2020.

What is the difference between corona virus and a dead man?

One is a coughing fit, and the other one fits a coffin.

Corona Virus Symptoms Basically Are The Same Feelings You Get When Your Wife Is Checking Your Phone

-Difficulty In Breathing -Sweating Profusely

-Weakness

-Headache

-Stomach Ache

And when you are asked a question the dry cough starts.

The world health organization declared that dogs cannot contract the Corona virus.

All dogs held in quarantine have been released. So to clarify.... WHO let the dogs out.

At the pharmacy, I asked if they had anything that kills the corona virus.

She said "ammonia cleaner."
I said "Sorry, I thought you worked here."

Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus

In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds

It now infects bat man and robin

I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....

But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

If you could choose one NFL team to not come back after the Corona Virus, which one would you choose?

And why did you choose the Patriots?

Do you wanna hear a Corona virus joke?

Nevermind, you'll probably spread it around.

Don’t know why my fishing buddy is worried about getting the corona virus

He never catches anything!

Drinking in IT terms

1 shot= Demo


2 shots= Trial version


5 shots= Personal edition


Half a bottle= Professional Edition


Full bottle= Network Edition


Two bottles= Small Business Edition


Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition


Whole case= C...

With all this Corona virus going around, I'm really worried about Kevin Bacon.

He's always at most 6 degrees away from someone.

I think that China is lying about how many people died from corona virus

They always show the same person when there's new cases

I'm quite worried about the corona virus...

It's got potential tequila lot of people.

Another preventable Corona virus death

Wife: Did I get fat during the quarantine?
Husband: You were never really skinny.

Time of Death: May 3,2020 9:51pm
Cause of Death: Corona virus

How is Snoop Dogg combating the corona virus?

Bleeaoch!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are people buying so much toilet paper for the corona virus

Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves

ALERT‼️‼️‼️ The corona virus can be spread through money.

If you have any money at home, put on some gloves, put all the money in a plastic bag and put it outside the front door tonight.
I'm collecting all the plastic bags tonight for safety. Think of your health.

A remix of a classic

A fellow was ~~stuck on his rooftop in a flood~~ going about his regular business in the middle of a pandemic. He was praying to God ~~for help~~ to keep him safe.

Soon a man ~~in a rowboat~~ with a Pfizer vaccine came by and the fellow shouted to the man, "~~Jump in~~Roll up your sleeve, I c...

What do you do when your phone gets a virus?

Make a Telehealth appointment.

What does Keanu Reeves and the corona virus have in common?

They’re both breathtaking.

A foreign reporter asked a Beijing citizen for his opinion on the government's handling of the Corona virus

"I can't say"

New viruses

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attac...

My friend said that Donald Trump had found someone to blame over the Corona virus outbreak...

I asked him,'Who?'

A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus.

After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was l...

The real reason I dont like shaking people's hands now isn't because of the virus...

It's because everyone is out of toilet paper....

China just released the name of the first man with Corona Virus

Ah Chu

I was diagnosed with the corona virus at a brothel and the whole place was immediately quarantined.

Jeez, now I'll be stuck here for two weeks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

A church decides that god will protect them from the Corona Virus

As a result, **they all agree that they should not wear masks**, because they trust god so much. Weeks later, they all are infected and die from the virus.

They go to heaven and ask god, **"why didn't you protect us?"**

God responded **"that's what the masks were for you dumbasses"**

Schrodinger's Virus

We all have Schrodinger's Virus now.

Because we can't get tested, we can't know whether we have the virus or not.

We have to act as if we have the virus so that we don't spread it to others.

We have to act as if we've never had it cause if we didn't have it we are not immune....

I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn’t have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.

Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.

Health secretary in a briefing to Trump: "Sir, in Chennai, India 36 Tamillians have been killed due to Corona Virus"

Trump is silent. His lips quiver. His hands shiver. His eyes wells up. He is unable to speak.

Health secretary is stunned. He never imagined that this event could affect him so badly.

After a few minutes, in a trembling voice, Trump asks "So, how many millions are there in *one tamilli...

What idiot called it "The Corona Virus"

When they missed a oppertunity to call it "The Kung Flu"

What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?

No country for old men

The COVID-19 virus in the US is unprecedented

Edit: un-presidented

Damn girl, are you Corona Virus?

Because I wouldn't mind spending 2 weeks in bed with you.

I had an issue at the toilet due to the Corona Virus..

I had run out of toilet paper so I had to use socks..

dumb name for a hamster anyways.

if bats could talk what would they say about the corona virus?

Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

China’s lack of transparency on virus is fuelling rumors: US experts

It’s basically all this he said Xi said bullshit.

I heard the British government is really worried about the Corona Virus,

The Prime Minister can hardly breathe.

What happens when you screw up

Biologist screws up:
Mutant virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologists screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Corona Virus hasnt been all bad news...

There has been a distinct drop in school and work related shootings in the US...

Why was Panic! At the disco so worried about carona virus?

They know its a fever you cant sweat out

The Legos stores have finally reopened in Europe after Corona virus,

People have literally been lining up for blocks!!

The Corona virus meets the Ebola virus. They start dating. One thing leads to another and the Corona virus bangs the Ebola virus.

Nine months later the Corolla virus is born.

It's 2020. We need to WAKE UP. The biggest threat to humanity is here. This world is dying. We NEED to do something about this. We can't let this virus take over humanity.

Someone delete TikTok ffs.

How do you know if you got the virus from Donald Trump?

You develop a dry covfefe

what does the virus and late-night-tv have in common?

they both need a host

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is common between a porn actress and the covid virus

They love to be covered in protein.

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

What kind of vehicle does a virus drive ?

I'm not sure, but I hear this virus is a car owner

Eminem is the first celebrity to get the Wuhan Virus.

A statement from his manager says that Eminem admitted himself to the emergency department because his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Doctors say he presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was moms spaghetti. Mathers said that he was "nervous"...

Did you here about the new movie coming out about the corona virus?

It’s directed by Tentin Quarantino.

If Corona virus is just a beer virus..

Then it’s just a yeast infection!

Many people underestimate the benefits of wearing face masks. Besides preventing the transmission of the Covid virus,

we don't have to see your ugly face anymore.

Corona Virus defeated

Breaking news from China :” No death cases of corona virus reported in China for 3 days and only 5 new infections, all communist part officials”

In totally unrelated news ;” a surge in suicides in China reported , all victims killed them self withe 2 bullets to the back of the head and hav...

You know who didn’t die from the corona virus?

Jeffery Epstein

Maybe if I express my feelings to the virus it will leave..

Welp.

Two Irishmen are chatting. One says to the other, did you hear about the new virus from China?

I thought it was a panda, Mick.

It makes sense that venice has been hit hard by the virus.

where else can you be guaranteed that they won't run out of face masks?

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

What did the black death say to the Corona virus?

Well plaqued.

Spanish flu: Am I a joke to you

Do It Yourself COVID Test

1. Pour a glass of wine and smell it
2. If you can smell it, then taste it
3. If you can both smell it and taste it, you do not have the Covid virus



Just to test it out, I did the test 19 times last evening and, thank God, all the tests were negative. But I'll have to repeat the...

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