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Virus Jokes

This Corona virus is a blessing

My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened in my life.

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

if bats could talk what would they say about the corona virus?

Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!

Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example...

It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded ‘Peek-a-Boo virus’...



I’m being transferred to ICU.

I’m gonna tell you a joke about corona virus...

You have to wait 2 weeks to see if you get it!

Abbot and Costello meet the Corona Virus

The World Health Organization says Corona is officially a pandemic.

Who says that?

Yes. 

Who said it's a pandemic?

That's right! They also said don't touch anyone.

Who? 

Anyone! 

I'm asking, WHO said don't touch anyone? 

Absolutely. And...

Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis

Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

The spread of Corona Virus is based on 2 factors:

1. How dense the population is.

2. How dense the population is.

All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...

I just came down with the Peekaboo virus

It sent me to the ICU

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Corona Virus is like my virginity

My uncle has it.

(I know its not that funny but its 12:53 and it just popped into my head.)

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading.

No one knows the Cure

What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War?

Trump dodged the Vietnam War.

I invented a new aftershave in honour of the Omicron virus

I named it ‘Leave me the Far Cologne’

What goes well with Corona Virus?

Lime Disease.

Why were the ants unaffected by the covid virus?

They have lil anty bodies.

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good.

Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

(Credit: u/DrOctopusMD)

My dr told me I have the peekaboo virus

He sent me to the eye see you!

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

Texas:

Where a virus has reproductive rights and a woman doesn’t.

I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission.

That makes me sick

A girl I’m hitting on just caught the Corona virus

I might have a chance now, as she’s lost all her taste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

Another preventable Corona virus death

Wife: Did I get fat during the quarantine?
Husband: You were never really skinny.

Time of Death: May 3,2020 9:51pm
Cause of Death: Corona virus

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..

“Made in China”

I tried to make a corona virus joke last year.

Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.

Did you hear about the new virus called the Peekaboo virus?

They recommend that if you get it, go straight to the ICU.

So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.

Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling the Peekaboo Virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

[NSFW] What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?

They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.

They name a virus after a beer, and what do we do?

Whine.

So if google glass got a virus..

Would it be called malware or malwear?

Schrodinger's Virus

We all have Schrodinger's Virus now.

Because we can't get tested, we can't know whether we have the virus or not.

We have to act as if we have the virus so that we don't spread it to others.

We have to act as if we've never had it cause if we didn't have it we are not immune....

New viruses

Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you’re getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attac...

Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus

In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Corona Virus and sex?

Most Redditors lack the social skills to get both.

What do guns and corona virus have in common

They were both created in China now every American has one

I am sick of this Chinese-made virus destroying society!

Tik-Tok has got to go!

Which one of these is a deadly virus?

A. Bola

B. Bola

C. Bola

D. Bola

E. Bola

New Pandemic Virus

Scientists are now concerned about a new virus which could become the next pandemic, which they have called the "peekaboo" virus. Patient who get the Peekaboo virus are put in ICU.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free Porn.

If you get an email with a link called "free porn"

Don't opin it, It is a virus wich deactivates your spelcheck

and fcuks up you riting, I also receibed it but lukily I dont

vatch porn so I dint opin it, plaese warm yu frends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

If Corona virus is just a beer virus..

Then it’s just a yeast infection!

What Do You Call A YouTube Sensation With A Computer Virus?

A social influenza.

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

We switched from corona virus to the Third World War..

..which idiot changed from zombie mode to multiplayer?

Thankfully it's not another virus we have to worry about.

The police have found a large number of dead crows on the 101 just north of
Ventura early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed
the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
Th...

I gave the woman next door the Corona virus The husband was fuming, and I feel morally guilty

it goes against what I've been taught.

Thou shall no COVID the neighbors wife..

This corona virus is a lot like my girlfriend....

It came for everyone else but me.

I hope this virus gets cleared up before tick season...

Or else we’ll have Corona with Lyme

During the corona virus lockdown I've lost 95kgs

I'm ganna miss the wife and kids

The Corona virus meets the Ebola virus. They start dating. One thing leads to another and the Corona virus bangs the Ebola virus.

Nine months later the Corolla virus is born.

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

What do you call a virus that affects the command line?

Terminal Illness

The life changing virus

Q: What is the most influential virus?
A: Influenca

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between butter and the corona virus?

Corona actually spreads

Chuck Norris Caught CoronaVirus

The CoronaVirus is now hospitalized on ventilator support.

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

Corona Virus defeated

Breaking news from China :” No death cases of corona virus reported in China for 3 days and only 5 new infections, all communist part officials”

In totally unrelated news ;” a surge in suicides in China reported , all victims killed them self withe 2 bullets to the back of the head and hav...

What kind of computer virus attacks kids

A PDF file

I'm quite worried about the corona virus...

It's got potential tequila lot of people.

I must have that new Monkey Pox virus :(

I think Im going bananas

Corona virus is much like pasta

Invented by the Chinese.

Spread by the Italians.

Corona virus update..

My house has never been so clean

How do we know that the COVID virus wasn't made in China?

Because it has been 3 years and it's still working

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Corona Virus

Apparently the first member of this group has sadly died because of the coronavirus.

In their house they found 500 cans of assorted food, 100kg of pasta, 75kg of rice, 200 toilet rolls and 30L of hand sanitiser which he had panic bought from Tesco “just in case!”

The whole lot coll...

Before Corona Virus

I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough

What idiot called it "The Corona Virus"

When they missed a oppertunity to call it "The Kung Flu"

I’m starting to think Corona Virus is a girlfriend

It explains how I’ve come in close contact three times, but never got it

What has gone down since carona virus has showed up?

School Shootings

The world health organization declared that dogs cannot contract the Corona virus.

All dogs held in quarantine have been released. So to clarify.... WHO let the dogs out.

So I think I have the corona virus.

One of the symptoms is a loss of taste, and for a brief moment I thought Justin Bieber was talented.

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

Who names these viruses?

Yes

Why are bacteria better than viruses?

Because viruses don't have culture

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds

It now infects bat man and robin

Wouldn’t it be ironic if Trump was brought down

By a virus from China , named after a Mexican beer?

Which virus killed the radio star?

Covideo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker...

So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus

Trump couldn't find the cure for the Coronavirus...

But the Coronavirus may have found the cure for Trump.

Due to the corona virus...

The 5 second rule has now been reduced to the 3 second rule.

I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.

Luckliy it was only a virus.

Scotland know the right way to deal with corona virus...

They’ve gone into full loch down.

How is Snoop Dogg combating the corona virus?

Bleeaoch!

What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?

No country for old men

Prince Charles contracts Corona Virus

All part of the coronation process

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Corona virus and sex NSFW

This coronavirus is really hurting my sex life. My foreplay game just isn’t the same since I can only use my elbows.

I installed anti-virus on my PC

Now the damned thing has autism.

pfff CoronaVirus is nothing

I remember back in the day getting OldMilwaukeeVirus every weekend and actually needing 2 rolls of toilet paper every morning, and I never panicked

Virus Alert

#

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT: If...

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

When a computer gets a virus, it crashes. When a computerized car gets a virus

It *crashes*

How to avoid the corona-virus

Eat garlic. Lots of garlic.

It won't do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

The COVID-19 virus in the US is unprecedented

Edit: un-presidented

Hey baby do you have the Corona virus?

Because I can’t stop looking achoo

Corona Virus hasnt been all bad news...

There has been a distinct drop in school and work related shootings in the US...

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

Your Momma is so ugly...

The whole world faked a virus, just to make her wear a mask.

I just started a YouTube channel about viruses.

I guess you could say I’m a real influenz-er

The worst thing about the Corona Virus:

I have to start washing my hands again.

How to name a virus... WHO version:

WHO HQ in 2003:
: There’s a new type of corona virus outbreak in Guangdong province in China.
: Let's call it Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome aka SARS.
: Excellent name. It does not refer to any specific location or people. So no one will be blamed or feared for it.

Also WHO ...

I'm not scared of the corona virus.

Since it's made in China, I don't expect it to be working for much longer. Looks good first, but falls apart after the first use.

My new Crush is the Corona virus

Now I’ll never get it!

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

I know a secret about Corona Virus,

but I'm afraid you might spread it.

Corona virus has reached the Arab peninsula

Time for a Qurantine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People are freaking out about the virus

Guess they’re going bat-shit crazy

Fix a man's computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

Teach a man to fix his computer, and he will be virus-free for a day.

Did y’all hear of the computer virus coded by the librarian?

It was Dewey Decimalware

What happened when the Corona virus reached Neverland?

It started a Peter Pandemic.

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