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Parasite Jokes

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A guy gets a worm parasite...

A guy goes on a mission trip and contracts a gnarly parasite worm. Every doctor tells him he's done for and the worm will starve him to death, but a friend of his who used to go on mission trips tells him about this doctor that has a technique to get rid of the worm, but warns him that the doctor is...

What do you call a parasite that keeps looking over its' shoulder?

A nervous tick.

A dangerous parasite walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."

The parasite replies, "Well, you're not a very good **host**."

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

Girls hate it when I suddenly send them photographs of parasites

Turns out, no one wants unsolicited tick pics

What do you call a brain eating parasite in The USA?

Malnourished.

I used to hate parasites.

Then they started to grow on me.

I love studying blood-sucking parasites…

Really get into the nitty gritty of things and find out what makes them tick.

What's the difference between a lawyer and head lice?

One is a blood sucking parasite that is hard to get out of your hair, and the other can be killed with a special shampoo.

What is the definition of politics?

Poly meaning many.

And ticks meaning blood sucking parasites.

What kind of parasite do Senators have?

Poli-ticks.

So I wanted to watch that parasite movie

But every torrent had nothing but leechers

When I heard Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, I almost felt sorry for the annoying, creepy little parasite.

Can't say the same about Bieber though.

What’s the collective noun for a group of bloodsucking parasites?

A Senate.

It's ironic that Parasite won.

Because there was no host for the Oscars.

Huh? Huh?
I'll show myself out.

Thank you for the silver star!. My first!

At first I was really against contracting a brain parasite

But then it grew on me.

What does my wife and a blood sucking parasite have in common?

Nothing. I love my wife and she supports me in all that we do

I feel guilty about this parasite I ingested.

It's been eating me up inside.

I recently learned that the large lump under my chin is actually an exotic parasite.

When I first noticed it, I wanted it gone immediately. But now I have to admit, it's grown on me quite a bit.

A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.

After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.

The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"

"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested o...

Scientists have recently discovered the existence of a mentally unstable microscopic parasite on the moon...

Apparently it's a real lunatic

What do lawyers and mosquitoes have in common?

They're both blood sucking parasites.

What do you call an insane nocturnal blood-sucking parasite?

A lunartick.

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

TIL: Where does the word "politics" come from.

From poly, Greek for many, and tics, English for pesky parasites.

The word politics

The word politics is derived from two words.

"Poli" from the Greek meaning "many" & "tics" meaning blood sucking parasites

What do you call a crazy parasite on the moon?

A Lunar-tick

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The elbow

A man is complaining to his friend: "My elbow really hurts. I think I need to see a doctor." His friend answers: "Dude, this is 2012, in the supermarket they have a new computer that can diagnose much faster and cheaper. Just place a urine sample in the machine and it says what's wrong, and that onl...

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When I first became an Ancap.....

>When I first became an Ancap, I was just an unemployed high schooler who had never worked a labor job in his entire life. I had that whole "welfare recipients are parasites, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, forcing people to subsidize your shitty life choices is morally wrong, nobody is...

I always thought the origin of the word "politics" was a strangely accurate description of itself.

"Poli-" meaning "many",

"-tics" meaning "bloodsucking parasites."

Tapeworms built a plane, but it didnt fly very fast.

Turns out they forgot to account for parasite drag.

So the government shut down...

I saw my senator with a sign that said, "Will lie, cheat, and steal for food."

Or

now my senator has to lie, cheat, and steal for free.

Or

so will my senator stop lying, cheating, and stealing?

Take your pick or insert your parasite of choice. And don't forget to ...

So a woman with a bulging belly goes to a hospital...

She has the feeling that she is pregnant, and concerned, gets some X-Rays and lab work done. The Doctor approaches her, and informs her of the results.
"It appears that there is in fact a parasite in you. Congratulations."
Horrified, the woman asks what kind of parasite, and if it would ma...

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The Dollar Store Machine

A man is shopping at the local Dollar store when he finds a new futuristic looking machine near the store's entrance. He asks the store employee what it was.

"This amazing machine will diagnose any ailments you might have from your spit. It costs only $1 to use."

Curious the man gives ...

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I was with this girl...

So I was with this girl for a little while. The relationship seemed like it was going well. We went everywhere and did everything together. Then one day, out of nowhere, she decides the relationship “isn’t healthy” for her! She just casts me aside like I’m nothing. I was devastated.

I ran i...

A student is preparing for a vet school exam and has left it to the last minute...

With no chance in hell in of passing, he procrastinates by picking a random topic about animals from Wikipedia and starts reading. By the time he's finished (wasting lots of time looking up related articles) it's too late to read about anything else.

In the oral exam the student picks a quest...

I failed my Biology test yesterday

I was asked to name a parasite currently living in Britain.

Apparently 'Muslims' isn't the correct answer.

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