What do you call a brain eating parasite in The USA?

Malnourished.

It's ironic that Parasite won.

Because there was no host for the Oscars.

Huh? Huh?
I'll show myself out.

Thank you for the silver star!. My first!

I recently learned that the large lump under my chin is actually an exotic parasite.

When I first noticed it, I wanted it gone immediately. But now I have to admit, it's grown on me quite a bit.

I used to hate parasites.

Then they started to grow on me.

The word politics

The word politics is derived from two words.

"Poli" from the Greek meaning "many" & "tics" meaning blood sucking parasites

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A guy gets a worm parasite...

A guy goes on a mission trip and contracts a gnarly parasite worm. Every doctor tells him he's done for and the worm will starve him to death, but a friend of his who used to go on mission trips tells him about this doctor that has a technique to get rid of the worm, but warns him that the doctor is...

So I wanted to watch that parasite movie

But every torrent had nothing but leechers

When I heard Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, I almost felt sorry for the annoying, creepy little parasite.

Can't say the same about Bieber though.

What kind of parasite do Senators have?

Poli-ticks.

What’s the collective noun for a group of bloodsucking parasites?

A Senate.

At first I was really against contracting a brain parasite

But then it grew on me.

What do you call a parasite that keeps looking over its' shoulder?

A nervous tick.

I got a new job as an entomologist, my main work is to tabulate fleas and other parasites

It's just a case of putting all the right ticks in all the right boxes

A dangerous parasite walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."

The parasite replies, "Well, you're not a very good **host**."

What does my wife and a blood sucking parasite have in common?

Nothing. I love my wife and she supports me in all that we do

What do lawyers and mosquitoes have in common?

They're both blood sucking parasites.

What do you call a crazy parasite on the moon?

A Lunar-tick

Scientists have recently discovered the existence of a mentally unstable microscopic parasite on the moon...

Apparently it's a real lunatic

What parasites do candy get?

What parasites do candy get?


-Gummy Worms

I feel guilty about this parasite I ingested.

It's been eating me up inside.

What kind of parasites do gangstas get?

Thug Lice.

What do you call an insane nocturnal blood-sucking parasite?

A lunartick.

I always thought the origin of the word "politics" was a strangely accurate description of itself.

"Poli-" meaning "many",

"-tics" meaning "bloodsucking parasites."

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The Dollar Store Machine

A man is shopping at the local Dollar store when he finds a new futuristic looking machine near the store's entrance. He asks the store employee what it was.

"This amazing machine will diagnose any ailments you might have from your spit. It costs only $1 to use."

Curious the man gives ...

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When I first became an Ancap.....

>When I first became an Ancap, I was just an unemployed high schooler who had never worked a labor job in his entire life. I had that whole "welfare recipients are parasites, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, forcing people to subsidize your shitty life choices is morally wrong, nobody is...

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So a man goes to a doctor about a tapeworm

A man visits a doctor in regards to what he suspects is a tapeworm. The doctor confirms that is the likely parasite and tells the man, "Go to a grocery store, there's one across the street, and buy a dozen eggs. Also buy ten tootsie rolls. Every day at 2 PM for the next 10 days, shove an egg up your...

So the government shut down...

I saw my senator with a sign that said, "Will lie, cheat, and steal for food."

Or

now my senator has to lie, cheat, and steal for free.

Or

so will my senator stop lying, cheating, and stealing?

Take your pick or insert your parasite of choice. And don't forget to ...

So a woman with a bulging belly goes to a hospital...

She has the feeling that she is pregnant, and concerned, gets some X-Rays and lab work done. The Doctor approaches her, and informs her of the results.
"It appears that there is in fact a parasite in you. Congratulations."
Horrified, the woman asks what kind of parasite, and if it would ma...

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I was with this girl...

So I was with this girl for a little while. The relationship seemed like it was going well. We went everywhere and did everything together. Then one day, out of nowhere, she decides the relationship “isn’t healthy” for her! She just casts me aside like I’m nothing. I was devastated.

I ran i...

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The elbow

A man is complaining to his friend: "My elbow really hurts. I think I need to see a doctor." His friend answers: "Dude, this is 2012, in the supermarket they have a new computer that can diagnose much faster and cheaper. Just place a urine sample in the machine and it says what's wrong, and that onl...

I failed my Biology test yesterday

I was asked to name a parasite currently living in Britain.

Apparently 'Muslims' isn't the correct answer.

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