Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for a few hours.

Throw a man out of a flying plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

Movie tickets

So... I went to the movies last night. I ended up having to buy 6 tickets because there was this idiot inside who kept tearing them up.

A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving.

I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and gr...

A man buys a scratch-off lottery ticket.

10 minutes after he buys it, he looks at his numbers and sees that he won.

He is so happy, he goes to his wife, and tells her that he won the lottery, and asked her what she wants to do.

The wife said, 'I'm going to take my half, and leave you, to start a new life travelling the world!...

Did you hear about the raffle that a local necrophiliac club was having? They were selling a lot of tickets until the cops shut them down on the grounds that it's illegal to sell parts of a corpse.

Ironically, the police never would have found out about it if the title wasn't "A Dead Giveaway"!

You know I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?

I was going up to my parents house doing like 90 mph on this country road and I got pulled over.
This cop, gets out of his car, he kind of swaggers on over and he's like "young lady I've been waiting for you all day"
So I looked up at him and I said, "I'm so sorry officer I got here as fast...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Parking tickets

My father and I went shopping. When we got out of the shop, a policeman was writing a parking ticket. My father told, "Come on, cut some slack here, we just went out for a few minutes." Policeman didn't seem to care and continued his business.

So my father called him a dumbass. So now police...

A man gets pulled over by the cops, but rather than a ticket, the cop approaches him with a check...

"Congratulations!" The cop says, handing him the check "You're the one millionth driver to pass by our checkpoint. What are you going to do with your winnings?"
"Probably get my license" The man says
"Don't listen him to him! he's drunk!" Says the wife
"Heh?" Says the man's mother who...

I tried to change my Elton John tickets to seated

But I’m Still Standing

A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.

He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."

I said: “Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Speeding ticket

A man gets pulled over by a policeman.
Policeman: You were going 68 in a 50 zone, I will have to write you a ticket.
Man: Alright, just make the number a little cooler so we can laugh when the judge reads it.

[later in court]
Judge: How the flying Fri...

A friend of mine has two tickets for the Super bowl. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested,.. the church is in New York City and the bride's name is Donna.

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.



The hostess leave...

One time I received a ticket telling me that I parked really well

It said "parking fine" so that was nice.

How do you get free tickets?

Drive over the speed limit.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and sli...

A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.

He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken.

"It isn't actual...

Italian Police are told to give tickets to anyone, no matter how important

One morning, the Pope comes out of the Vatican and decides he wants to go for a drive. The Pope calls for a limousine, but when it arrives he tells the driver to get in the back, he’s going for a ride.

As he blasts down the road in his limousine he speeds past two motorcycle officers. One of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.

Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation

Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two mathematicians and two physicists take a train to a science symposium

On the ride there just before their tickets are checked the mathmaticians go to the loo and hide together in one cubicle. When asked to present their tickets they slide one under the booth door.

The physicists are stumped, but smart as they are they use the same trick on the return journey. W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This...

There were three lawyers and three MBAs traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket.

‘How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks an MBA. ‘Watch and you’ll see’ answers a lawyer.

They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the ...

A hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said, "What would you like to see?"

I said you pick, she said you pick.

I said IDC you pick.

She replied, "Sir, there are other people behind you to buy tickets."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was so pissed off when I had to buy a $400 plane ticket for my child.

The craigslist ad said the price included postage.

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

A class of aerospace engineers and their professor were all given free tickets to Hawaii.

Once on the plane, the captain announced they were flying the aircraft the students had assembled. Everyone immediately rushed off, except for the teacher who relaxed in his seat. The flight asked "Wow, you have that much faith in your students?" The teacher replied, "I know exactly what my students...

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineering professor and his students are offered a free airplane ticket for an educational trip

Once they get on the plane the captain announces that the plane has in fact been built by the engineering students and that this is the first test ride.

Everyone rushes off the plane while the professor remains calm in his seat.

A flight attendant then approaches the professor and asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

What do you call it when you buy a ticket for a chance to win a spotted, long-necked mammal?

A giraffle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

Don't know if this is a Scam or not but I just got a text saying I’ve won £250 or two tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute night...

It said Press 1 for the money or 2 for the Show

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful young blonde boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.

She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her tickets and tells the woman that her seat is i...

Two friends named Monty and Jason went to a movie theater. Monty went ahead to grab the tickets leaving Jason waiting behind.

While queuing for the tickets, Monty chats up the gentleman in front of him, "Hey, I'm Monty," he says. The gentleman amicably replies, "Hola, soy Santiago."

Hearing the man's response, Monty immediately runs away and returns alarmed to his friend, shouting, "There's a Spanish in queue Jason"...

A disabled man gets a parking ticket...

And he asks the parking attendant, "is this because I'm disabled?"

And the attendant says, "no, it's because of your parkin' sins."

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it...

...You never know when you might need a nail.

I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”

Thankfully it was just a virus.

My cousin has two tickets for the 2019 SUPER BOWL

He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth , she's 5'4, about 140 lbs,...

A man got parking ticket

A man was charged in court for parking his car on the wrong side of the road. 
Judge: Why did you park your car in a no parking area? 
Man: Your honour, the sign read, Fine for Parking. So I thought it was fine to park my car there!

I just won 10 million dollars from a lottery ticket. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Those were the proudest 25 cents I ever donated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to avoid tickets

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for...

What did the cheap baseball player say when he found out how expensive first class plane tickets are?

Put me in coach!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?

Pull some strings.

Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?

*i* before *e*, except after *c*.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife made me some novelty tickets to exchange for sexy times.

Sadly she didn't make me any backstage passes.

TICKET AGENT: "And will this be round trip?"

FLAT EARTHER: "Here we go again."

A Guy gets a ticket to the Super Bowl...

But he finds he's in the nosebleed section .
He sees a seat near the 50 yard line and he quickly comes and claims it.

"Why would anyone pass this up ?? It's such a great view !", he exclaimed

The old man sitting next to him replies, "Its my wife's , we had gone to every Super Bowl s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop writing a parking ticket

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me a...

My girlfriend is like a lottery ticket.

I keep getting my hopes up, yet she always lets me down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman bursts into her man's room, holding a ticket...

She yell's "I just won 15 million dollars in the powerball Harold! Pack your bags!"
The husband jumps out of his seat "Oh my god! Should I pack for Hot or Cold weather!?"
The wife replies "I don't give a fuck just get the hell out!"

Me: Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I’m planning to run a half marathon tomorrow.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

A guy buys a ticket to the Superbowl but is up in the very top seats but can't see very well ...

... and after watching for a quarter, notices ONE seat way down near the field on the 50 yard line that has been empty the entire quarter and so he decides to try to sneak down and sit in the seat ....

When he gets there the man in the next seat notices his apprehension and says, "Don't worry...

"Your ticket, please..."

A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers are traveling together by train to attend a conference on mathematical methods in engineering. Each engineer has a ticket whereas only one of the mathematicians has one. Of course, the engineers laugh at the unworldly mathematicians and look forward...

I tried buying tickets to a rap concert to see if the bank had processed the loan I requested on my account

They did not Post Malone.

Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street and now I can't afford to pay you.

One Ticket for Three

Three engineers and three lawyers were going to a convention. At the train station to the convention, one engineer said, "We can get on the train with only one ticket."

The other group laughed, but did not interject when the first group bought the ticket. When the conductor went around on the...

Why did the guy get a ticket while driving in Chinatown?

He drove down the Wong Street.

I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court

Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree murder

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

Which concert ticket costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickelback

The kid from the Exorcist got a ticket.

For possession.


Happy Halloween.

I bought a ticket to world cup finals without realizing it’s also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place?

The church is St Antony’s and the brides’ name is Joanna..

Walked into the house, with winning scratch off ticket in hand..

Me: Honey! It finally happened! We won the lottery!

Wife: Great I'll take my half and pack my bags.

Me: Your $8 is on the suitcase.

There was once a ticket collector in the bus

Every day he saw an old man boarding the bus at noon. One day, while the man was stepping on the bus, the collector stuck a foot in between and the old man fell and died.

The collector was called to a court and it was decided that he would get an electric shock to teach him a lesson.
The w...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...

...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.

Tickets are non-refundable.

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I left two Justin Beiber tickets in my car and

some bastard broke in and left two more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The far...

So there’s two Mathematicians and two Physicists getting a train to a Congress.

Before they buy tickets. While the Physicists got two tickets, the mathematicians only get one.
As soon as they see the conductor they both get into the same toilet. So when he knocks on the door they only push one ticket underneath the door.
On the way back, the Physicists buy one ticket only...

A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the World cup final game Sun 15th July He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! He is looking for someone to take his place

It's at Sheffield Town Hall at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message me for more details.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

A man prays to win the lottery...

Every night, he prays to God, "Please Lord, let me win the lottery tomorrow". Years go by and the man continues to pray. Finally, one night he gets an answer from God. He says the usual prayer, "Please Lord, let me win the lottery tomorrow".
And finally God says, "You have to buy a lottery ticke...

What happens when you win a raffle twice that gave you five for the price of three on rugby tickets?

You won two, three for five six nations tickets

Ticket

One day, a woman is speeding on a quiet road in New York. Eventually, an officer spots her and gets her to pull over. She realizes that she's in a bit of a pickle, so she tries to joke with the officer. He walks up and asks for her license and registration. As he takes them, she asks, "So, when is t...

I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day...

...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.

Once a man went to a rocket station and asked for ticket to the moon.

The attendant said, " Sorry sir, the moon is full just now."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Polish guy buys a ticket to a movie.

One minute later he buys another ticket. Another minute later he buys yet another ticket. Finally, the gal at the ticket booth say, “Why do you keep buying multiple tickets to the same film?”

The Pollack says, “Every time I try to enter the theater, this asshole rips my ticket up!”

If you only bought one ticket you only get one sear

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater, as people were taking their seats for the show. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“S...

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

What does United do when you don't have a ticket?

Beats me.

My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.

After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.

If an orange or banana gets a ticket...

They must dispute it in the court of apeels

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