A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.

​

The h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This...

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day...

Push a man from the plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

What do you call it when you buy a ticket for a chance to win a spotted, long-necked mammal?

A giraffle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful young blonde boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.

She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her tickets and tells the woman that her seat is i...

I just won 10 million dollars from a lottery ticket. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Those were the proudest 25 cents I ever donated.

A man got parking ticket

A man was charged in court for parking his car on the wrong side of the road. 
Judge: Why did you park your car in a no parking area? 
Man: Your honour, the sign read, Fine for Parking. So I thought it was fine to park my car there!

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it...

...You never know when you might need a nail.

My cousin has two tickets for the 2019 SUPER BOWL

He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth , she's 5'4, about 140 lbs,...

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

Me: "Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!"

Judge: "Repeat infractions?"

Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"

How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?

Pull some strings.

A disabled man gets a parking ticket...

And he asks the parking attendant, "is this because I'm disabled?"

And the attendant says, "no, it's because of your parkin' sins."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

Gotdam cop just wrote me a ticket for an open container.

How's I'm supposed to drink it if it ain't open?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife made me some novelty tickets to exchange for sexy times.

Sadly she didn't make me any backstage passes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How to avoid tickets

The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for...

Two friends named Monty and Jason went to a movie theater. Monty went ahead to grab the tickets leaving Jason waiting behind.

While queuing for the tickets, Monty chats up the gentleman in front of him, "Hey, I'm Monty," he says. The gentleman amicably replies, "Hola, soy Santiago."

Hearing the man's response, Monty immediately runs away and returns alarmed to his friend, shouting, "There's a Spanish in queue Jason"...

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally

Not sure why. The sign clearly said "fine for parking"

A Guy gets a ticket to the Super Bowl...

But he finds he's in the nosebleed section .
He sees a seat near the 50 yard line and he quickly comes and claims it.

"Why would anyone pass this up ?? It's such a great view !", he exclaimed

The old man sitting next to him replies, "Its my wife's , we had gone to every Super Bowl s...

What did the cheap baseball player say when he found out how expensive first class plane tickets are?

Put me in coach!

I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”

Thankfully it was just a virus.

Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?

*i* before *e*, except after *c*.

My girlfriend is like a lottery ticket.

I keep getting my hopes up, yet she always lets me down.

Me: Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I’m planning to run a half marathon tomorrow.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

Be careful out there, there is a scam going on where you receive a phone call saying that you have won Elvis tribute tickets or money, it then says.

Press one for the money or two for the show.

TICKET AGENT: "And will this be round trip?"

FLAT EARTHER: "Here we go again."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman bursts into her man's room, holding a ticket...

She yell's "I just won 15 million dollars in the powerball Harold! Pack your bags!"
The husband jumps out of his seat "Oh my god! Should I pack for Hot or Cold weather!?"
The wife replies "I don't give a fuck just get the hell out!"

A guy buys a ticket to the Superbowl but is up in the very top seats but can't see very well ...

... and after watching for a quarter, notices ONE seat way down near the field on the 50 yard line that has been empty the entire quarter and so he decides to try to sneak down and sit in the seat ....

When he gets there the man in the next seat notices his apprehension and says, "Don't worry...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cop writing a parking ticket

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me a...

Bought a concert ticket for $0.45

50 cent featuring Nickelback.

The kid from the Exorcist got a ticket.

For possession.


Happy Halloween.

Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street and now I can't afford to pay you.

I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court

Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree murder

Why did the guy get a ticket while driving in Chinatown?

He drove down the Wong Street.

One Ticket for Three

Three engineers and three lawyers were going to a convention. At the train station to the convention, one engineer said, "We can get on the train with only one ticket."

The other group laughed, but did not interject when the first group bought the ticket. When the conductor went around on the...

NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

...

"Your ticket, please..."

A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers are traveling together by train to attend a conference on mathematical methods in engineering. Each engineer has a ticket whereas only one of the mathematicians has one. Of course, the engineers laugh at the unworldly mathematicians and look forward...

A man prays to win the lottery...

Every night, he prays to God, "Please Lord, let me win the lottery tomorrow". Years go by and the man continues to pray. Finally, one night he gets an answer from God. He says the usual prayer, "Please Lord, let me win the lottery tomorrow".
And finally God says, "You have to buy a lottery ticke...

I bought a ticket to world cup finals without realizing it’s also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place?

The church is St Antony’s and the brides’ name is Joanna..

Once a man went to a rocket station and asked for ticket to the moon.

The attendant said, " Sorry sir, the moon is full just now."

So there’s two Mathematicians and two Physicists getting a train to a Congress.

Before they buy tickets. While the Physicists got two tickets, the mathematicians only get one.
As soon as they see the conductor they both get into the same toilet. So when he knocks on the door they only push one ticket underneath the door.
On the way back, the Physicists buy one ticket only...

An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...

...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The far...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver lo...

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and...

I left two tickets of Zac Efron's movie in my car

Someone broke the window and left two more!

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for £250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

20 years into the future, NASA has a program for the public to travel to all planets. NASA has a Kennedy Space Center Ticket kiosk, run by Neil deGrasse. A man walks up with $200 "One ticket to soar around Uranus." Neil: "Here you go, you must take the proper precautions,the journey is rough."

"You have to pass through a black hole to get there."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the World cup final game Sun 15th July He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! He is looking for someone to take his place

It's at Sheffield Town Hall at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message me for more details.

What happens when you win a raffle twice that gave you five for the price of three on rugby tickets?

You won two, three for five six nations tickets

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Polish guy buys a ticket to a movie.

One minute later he buys another ticket. Another minute later he buys yet another ticket. Finally, the gal at the ticket booth say, “Why do you keep buying multiple tickets to the same film?”

The Pollack says, “Every time I try to enter the theater, this asshole rips my ticket up!”

Ticket

One day, a woman is speeding on a quiet road in New York. Eventually, an officer spots her and gets her to pull over. She realizes that she's in a bit of a pickle, so she tries to joke with the officer. He walks up and asks for her license and registration. As he takes them, she asks, "So, when is t...

If an orange or banana gets a ticket...

They must dispute it in the court of apeels

I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day...

...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.

My fondest memories are of all the round trip plane tickets I bought.

Really takes me back.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.

Tickets are non-refundable.

What does United do when you don't have a ticket?

Beats me.

I bought tickets to the world cup semi-finals and forgot I'm getting married that day

So is anyone here willing to get married that day?

My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.

After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.

A man walks up to the ticket counter at a movie theater with his family movie...

“Four tickets for that Star Wars movie.”

“Solo?”

“No, I said *four* tickets.”

What am I supposed to do with this? "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.

Either way I hit the jackpot.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

My dad came to visit for the weekend. Today he awoke and found a parking ticket on his car.

He said, "Looks like today is turning out to be a fine day."

I Said to this girl I like that I had two tickets for a movie

She told me to watch it twice.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail l...

If you only bought one ticket you only get one sear

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater, as people were taking their seats for the show. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“S...

If everyone bought a powerball ticket, who would win biggest?

Powerball

Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.

Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.

The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!

The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery!

Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, ...

Patriots fans are being charged more money for Super Bowl tickets.

It’s because of inflation.

Everyone have your tickets ready

Three lawyers and three engineers are sent to conference. The lawyers being lavish as they are, choose to buy a first class ticket for each of the three of them. When they meet up with the engineers, they notice they only bought one coach ticket for the three of them.

"How do you suppose you'...

My friend bought tickets for the Monaco Grand Prix in May.

But he's getting married that day.
Tickets were bought a year ago.
I'd like to help him out.
So if anybody wants to get married on the 27th of May?
She's sweet, good in bed and can cook well.

The speeding ticket

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing e...

PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT.

It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

Anyone want 2 free tickets to a fight?

I've got seats 29A & B on United flight 1807.

Raffle Ticket

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”


She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.”


The next day, the women arrives home from work w...