Ticket Jokes - 119 Hilarious Ticket Jokes

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How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

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A flight is on its way to Paris when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Paris, and I’m staying right here”.

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that th...

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.

The hostess leave...

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An eldery Jew buys a lottery ticket every day from the small minimarket from the corner.

And every day he says the same thing: "Hashem (God), please let me win the lottery - if I do I will give a million dollars to charity"

And each day he loses. And still, every day he repeated the same prayer "Hashem, please help me win the lottery - I will give a million dollars to charity"...

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.

The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The...

I couldn’t get a refund for my BDSM convention ticket

They said their hands were tied.

A lottery ticket is a weird gift to give someone

it’s like “Here. This has a 99% chance of being disappointing. I saw it and thought of you”

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So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

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I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company. They were there to cut off the electricity. M...

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"

Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

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I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off....

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.

He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken.

"It isn't actual...

Cop: So I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

A man approaches an airline ticket desk …

… and as he books his flight, asks the attendant if one of his 3 pieces of luggage could be sent to Paris, another to London, and the third to Cairo.

That’s impossible, I’m afraid sir, the attendant replied. We can’t send your luggage to 3 different cities.

Man says, we’ll you did last...

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket.

I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."

A man arrives home one day and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning Powerball ticket?"

She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you."

"Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."

"Your ticket, please..."

A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers are traveling together by train to attend a conference on mathematical methods in engineering. Each engineer has a ticket whereas only one of the mathematicians has one. Of course, the engineers laugh at the unworldly mathematicians and look forward...

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it...

...You never know when you might need a nail.

Me: "Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!!"

Judge: "Repeat infractions?"

Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"

Where do cats stand when they want to buy a train ticket?

In the FEE-line.

My cop friend kept demanding that I praise him for the apparently excellent ticket that he just wrote until I eventually gave in and said,

"Fine, fine fine."

Cops gave me a ticket for doing 120 in a 55....

When he asked me why I was going so fast, I told him, "My wife left me for a police officer last week. I thought you were him trying to bring her back."

The only flight available was on a plane transporting corpses. I needed to get home so I bought a ticket but they refused to let me on the plane.

I think that the problem was my carrion.

If you only bought one ticket you only get one sear

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater, as people were taking their seats for the show. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“S...

Ticket please

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting.
At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one.
When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."
They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all...

The Superbowl ticket

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes his seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter Bob...

When the Mexican guy forgot his ticket to the water park, the employee let him in anyway

“Typically I’m a stickler about this sort of thing,” he remarked “But I’m gonna let this Juan slide.”

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Cops pulled me over on my bicycle today, and gave me a ticket for prostitution...

They said that they had seen me pedaling my ass all over town.

Whenever I see a car with a ticket, I chuck it in the bin so the driver doesn't have to pay for it, What acts of kindness do you do for strangers?

How do you brighten someone's day

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!"
"Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said.
The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?"...

A man goes to court to fight his parking ticket ...

When he arrives he has to wait in the waiting room. He looks over and spots a woman with a beaming smile. He asks "why are you so happy to be at court?" The woman replies, "I actually work here, and I love my job!" The man asks "What do you do?". The woman replies "I'm a psychic." The man says...

whenever i think about buying a lottery ticket

i think about my ex and remember i don't know how to pick winners.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

Got a speeding ticket the other day. There was this sign that said "Construction 35mph ahead".

I figured, I had four people in the car ...

You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined...

Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!

I had a speeding ticket dismissed by a judge who knew his physics

The cop wrote down my location, so I told the judge if he knew where I was, he couldn’t possibly measure my velocity.

What concert ticket costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

Season ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not look...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

Rushing up to the Southwest Airlines ticket counter…

a man gasped, “Ma’am, please help me. I have to get to Los Angeles in the worst way!” The clerk calmly pointed to her right and said, “Sir, that would be Frontier.”

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

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A guy buys a scratch ticket and wins 1,000,000 dollars...

Not wanting his wife or anyone to get it, he buries all of it, in cash, in his backyard.
The next morning he walks outside to see a gaping hole where he had buried it, and shoe prints leading to his deaf neighbor's house.
He storms over to the house with a gun in his hand and kicks the doo...

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.<...

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A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

A guy walks up to the ticket counter at an airport. He ask to buy a round trip ticket. The agent asks “to where?”

He says “to here!”

Two families try to cheat a train ticket fee

Two families were on a trip together. They both would be taking the train, and one family bought a ticket for every member. But the father of the other family said, "Hey, you wasted money. Watch us."

That father bought only one ticket. Then he and his family boarded the train. When a PA...

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and...

How to one lady got out of a speeding ticket.

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."

The cop put away his summons book and pen, and...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."

Bob gets home and tells his wife he just got a parking ticket for $2,000.

She says “$2,000? Where the hell did you park?”

“On a person.”

A Brazilian needs to buy a ticket but don't speak English.

So he decides to listen and copy the person at the front of the queue.

He listens.

"Ticket to midway one-way."

When it's his turn, he asks.

"Ticket to new york one-ork"

~~P.S. I don't speak English. I'm try hard.~~

For the first time in my life, I bought a lotto ticket, hoping for a Jackpot win of $70M.

In moments like this, I was taught to pray to St. Jude, and make a promise to donate some money to St. Jude's Children's Hospital.

I prayed as hard as I could, and I promised to donate $1,000,000 if I win the jackpot.

The next day I read the news. On the front page, it showed my neighb...

A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving.

I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...

...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.

THIS is the best way to beat a speeding ticket.

** *Most of you have probably seen this before, but its still a good one!* **

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.

Officer: Can I see the r...

A man buys a train ticket to go to New York City...

A man buys a train ticket to go to New York City on April 4. The ticket costs $44 and he notices that the ticket number is 4444. He finds the train at platform 4 and his seat is in train car 4, seat number 44. The train leaves at exactly 4:44.

When he arrives, he goes to the hotel that is on ...

TicketMaster was just fined $10 million for hacking into a competitor

At least they were told it would be $10 million, but when they went on the court's website to pay the fine, the site tacked on a bunch of "processing fees" and "venue charges" and the total came out to more like $15 million.

NSFW Cop pulls over a blonde for speeding

When he gets up to the window he asks for her licence and registration.

“What’s a licence” she asks

So the cop explains what a licence is.

The blonde quickly says “Oh I have one of those” and hands it over to the cop.

“I also need to registration” reminds the cop

“...

3 Irishmen and 3 Englishmen are buying train tickets

The Englishmen all buy a seperate ticket, 3 in total. The Irishmen however buy only one ticket for the three of them.

One of the Englishmen asks: "Won't you guys get thrown off the train?"

"You'll see," say the Irish.

After riding the train for half an hour, the six men see the ...

Morris was going through an old drawer, and he discovered a ticket for the cobbler shop, dated about 40 years ago.

He remembered having brought in his spare loafers to get new heels, so many years ago, and somehow he had forgotten all about them.

"I wonder if old Gelbstein still has his shop? It's been so long since I was even in that part of the city."

So Morris goes down there, and to his amazem...

A guy comes back home to his small town from overseas at the end of WWII. The town plans a big parade for him the next day. He remembers that the day before he shipped out three years earlier, he left a pair of dress shoes at the shoemaker's for repair.

He finds the receipt ticket and rushes to the shoemaker's to get them. The shoemaker examines the ticket and disappears into the back for a couple of minutes. When he returns he says, "They'll be ready Thursday."

Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street, and now I can't afford to pay you.

A man gets pulled over by the cops, but rather than a ticket, the cop approaches him with a check...

"Congratulations!" The cop says, handing him the check "You're the one millionth driver to pass by our checkpoint. What are you going to do with your winnings?"
"Probably get my license" The man says
"Don't listen him to him! he's drunk!" Says the wife
"Heh?" Says the man's mother who...

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London...

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

Dad! Bus ticket! Money! Now!

**Daughter**: Dad I need money for the bus.

**Dad**: Why do you need to buy a bus?

**Daughter**: I am serious dad, stop it. This isn't funny, just give me **£1.50.**

**Dad**: I don't have enough money, ask your mother.

**Daughter:** Fine.

\[...\]

**Daughter...

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

[NSFW] The village idiot wanted to get rich.

Everyday he would pray to the gods that he would win the lottery.

Every night, "God, please let me win the lottery!!!!"

This went on for years and years, until one day suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, god steps in front of him and slaps him across his ...

If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right

Q: How much does a ticket to Jurassic World cost?

A: An arm and a leg.

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A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

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Cop writing a parking ticket

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me a...

I got a ticket because I did 180 on the highway

Truth be told I was only going 15 but they don’t like U-Turns

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

Th...

Why was the ticket taker fired?

For not cutting corners.

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”

Driver: “What’s that?”

Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands i...

Ticket please

Three engineers and three accountants are in the queue to buy a train ticket.

The three accountants buy a ticket each; three in all. The engineers, however, buy one ticket between them.

“How are you…?” ask the accountants.
“We know what to do,” reply the engineers.

And all si...

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

One Ticket for Three

Three engineers and three lawyers were going to a convention. At the train station to the convention, one engineer said, "We can get on the train with only one ticket."

The other group laughed, but did not interject when the first group bought the ticket. When the conductor went around on the...

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One ticket to Boobston

The year is 1993 a young upstart business executive has to take a quick trip to Boston for a board meeting.

Running late he didn't have time to have his administrative assistant call ahead and book his flight, so he decided just to do it himself once he got to the airport.

After being ...

Hey baby, are you a parking ticket?

Because I'd like to pay you for the mistake I've done

Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”

“You see how horribly long your delays are? You should be ashamed!”

A disabled man gets a parking ticket...

And he asks the parking attendant, "is this because I'm disabled?"

And the attendant says, "no, it's because of your parkin' sins."

A man has Super Bowl tickets

A man and his new wife make a pact to go to every Super Bowl. After 43 years the wife passes away, but the man continues their tradition and goes to the next super bowl. Another man sitting in the same row sees the empty seat next to the man and asks "why is this seat empty? It's the super bowl?" An...

Social distancing for an introvert is like winning a free ticket to a Coldplay concert for an extrovert

I feel right at home

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie:

today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court

Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree murder

Today, I saw a cop writing a parking ticket

I went and asked him if his dad was proud of him.

'Nah', he said, 'In fact, I think he would be pretty angry if he knew what I was doing. Then again, he shouldn't have parked here.'

Walked into the house, with winning scratch off ticket in hand..

Me: Honey! It finally happened! We won the lottery!

Wife: Great I'll take my half and pack my bags.

Me: Your $8 is on the suitcase.

A blonde woman goes to buy a lottery ticket.

She has been buying tickets twice a day from the same store for the past 5 years. One day the cashier was a bit concerned and handed over to her a "Gambling Help" brochure.

 

The lady kindly handed it back, "Boy, I know I haven't won much and that it's all based on luck. I...

Saw the ticket inspector on my train ignoring passengers and picking her nose.

I reported her for gross missed conduct.

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A Roman centurion goes to the movie theater. When the movie's over, he asks for a refund.

"No one told me that my movie was going to be a pornographic one," the centurion tells the ticket-taker.

The ticket-taker says, "Sir, look at the marquee. It says right here what kind of movies we play here."

Looking back up at the marquee, the centurion responds "You lie! There are ...

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A man came out of a restaurant and found a cop writing a ticket for parking illegally.

So he told the cop "give me a break!"

The cop said "no way."

Then the man told him "you're a jerk!" and kept insulting him while the cop kept writing more and more tickets.

People started gathering around the car. One of them told the man "aren't you concerned about this pile of...

Guy manages to land a Superbowl ticket...

But he's in the last row. He decides to move down and find an empty seat. Of course there's none, but finally spots a great seat next to an older gentleman. "Hey anyone sitting there?" "No, go ahead." so he sits down. "Great seats here, strange to find one empty." "Well, that would have been my wife...

A guy buys a ticket to the Superbowl but is up in the very top seats but can't see very well ...

... and after watching for a quarter, notices ONE seat way down near the field on the 50 yard line that has been empty the entire quarter and so he decides to try to sneak down and sit in the seat ....

When he gets there the man in the next seat notices his apprehension and says, "Don't worry...

Got pulled over by Dr. Phil today. Instead of giving me a ticket...

...he started saying deep, meaningful things to me.

He was quite the Phil officer.

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A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and gr...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

A ticket to the State Troopers Ball !

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.

She said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.”

The officer promptly replied, “Wisconsin State Troopers don’t have balls.”
...

One way ticket to hell

What is Jesus favorite rock band?

9 inch nails

Super Bowl tickets

Short notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl. They are box seats that he spent $5,700 a piece for which includes transportation to and from the stadium, open bar, and a pass to the winners locker room.

What he did not realize was last year when he purchased them th...

Ticket Please!

A group 3 Pakistanis and a group 3 Indians were all heading to the Cricket World cup via Train. Upon entering the train the Indian group saw the Pakistanis just pay for a single while they bought 3 individual tickets.
When the conductor came along the Indians saw that all 3 Pakistanis quickly fil...

A man buys a scratch-off lottery ticket.

10 minutes after he buys it, he looks at his numbers and sees that he won.

He is so happy, he goes to his wife, and tells her that he won the lottery, and asked her what she wants to do.

The wife said, 'I'm going to take my half, and leave you, to start a new life travelling the world!...

I bought a ticket to world cup finals without realizing it’s also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place?

The church is St Antony’s and the brides’ name is Joanna..

Ticket

One day, a woman is speeding on a quiet road in New York. Eventually, an officer spots her and gets her to pull over. She realizes that she's in a bit of a pickle, so she tries to joke with the officer. He walks up and asks for her license and registration. As he takes them, she asks, "So, when is t...

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