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Creep Jokes

What do creeps eat at an Italian restaurant ?

Fetish-ini Alfredo

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A sex offender, creep and a billionaire walk into a Manhattan bar

The bartender says
Wow Mr Epstein what'll it be.

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

Why did Ed Gein oppose the Anti Deranged Creep bill?

He had skin in the game!!!

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained...

Obituaries are starting to creep me out

People keep dying in alphabetical order

I honestly get a little creeped out by hearing Spatial Audio all around me.

I guess it's just the Atmos fear.

Saw a beautiful girl on bus and I smiled, it didn't creep her out

Wearing mask does help.

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Some people call me a creep who fondles his balls in public.

I just say I'm well adjusted.

Which flower in the garden will creep you out?

A bug-on-ya.

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A man knocks on the door and asks the woman " Do you have a vagina? "

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question
Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams ...

What do you call a computer technician who is a creep?

A PDF file

I saw a snail creeping slowly across the ground.

I thought if I remove his shell, he could move faster. But it only made him more sluggish.

I stopped at the traffic lights and looked at the guy next to me. After a few intimidating revving sounds, I started to creep forward.

"You ought to see a doctor," said the other pedestrian.

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No one wants to be a sleazy creep...

That's why before sex I always ask to check the birthday on her learner's permit.

What do you call a fight between an extraterrestrial and a nerdy creep with no social life?

Alien vs redditor.

So my mum asked me to kill the spider that was creeping her out

Instead I picked it up and took it out. We had a few drinks. He's a cool guy, wants to be a web designer

A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island with only a dog and a pig…

…after many weeks without the touch of a woman - the pig begins to look very attractive. One night, the deprived man begins to chance his luck with the pig. Over dinner, he tweaks its tail, plays footsie with its trotters, and cuddles in close. The dog, witnessing all this, becomes very jealous, and...

Something about rabbit races creeps me out.

It's hare racing.

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”

How to creep out a mortician

How to creep out a mortician.

1. Go in to pre-plan your funeral.

2. Tell him, "I want my remains scattered over the sunflower fields of Fayetteville."

3. He says, "We can do that. The cost for cremation is..."

4. Say, "Cremation? Who said anything about cremation?"
...

Why did the thesaurus have a creeping feeling?

He had an antonym.

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Two guys are sitting at a bar when one says to the other to stay for another drink

Man says, “I can’t. Every time I stay out late drinking my wife is furious.

I can’t even sneak in without her knowing. I shut off my car and headlights and coast into the driveway, open the door silently, creep up the stairs quiet as a mouse, take my clothes off in the bathroom and slide int...

I'm glad I get called a creep who doesn't listen to women

It means they haven't found the bugs.

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When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

Why did the kid get creeped out when he was with his uncle playing with an octopus?

Because he expected 8 but he got ten-tickles

One thing I've learned from working in the gym is that there is a lot more creeps out there than you'd think..

Also, a lot more people shave there pubes than you'd think!

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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because he's a fucking creep

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Two friends are drinking in a bar...

Before they know it, the night has passed into the wee hours of the morning. The first man turns to the second and says "I'll be in trouble when I get home to the wife again. Every time I'm home late I get a taxi to a few doors down, creep round to the back door, take my shoes off, tip toe up the st...

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Three young men hit on a hot woman at a club.

After a few drinks and a lot of small talk, she brings them back to her place and says she's going to change into something more comfortable. When she reappears, she's wearing a skintight leather suit.

"You boys want to know what I do for fun?" she asks, a malicious grin creeping across her f...

A taxi driver speeds through a red light without even looking

And the passenger says, "whoa, what are you doing?! That was a red!"

The driver replies, "don't worry about it. My cousin, he does it all the time."

The passenger sits back until the driver blows through another red. He practically leaps out of his seat, "what are you doing?! You'll ge...

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You've heard this before. A few guys are drinking at a bar.

They start talking about getting home and they are concerned their wives will be upset about how late they get home.

First guy says, "I do what I can. I put the car in neutral at the driveway and coast in. I tiptoe inside and sneak into bed. But she still knows."

Second guy said, "I ...

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Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine...

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

I hate the people who shout "THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR YOU CREEP". Who plays those kind of jokes anymore?

You're scaring my wife. She's only 12, jeez.

A man goes on an overnight business trip, and hires a babysitter to watch his two kids. It's an easy job with good pay, but she's creeped out by the life-sized clown statue he has in his den.

That night, the man calls to see how things are going.

The babysitter says: "Everything's great, the kids have been wonderful. But I had to throw my coat over that clown statue in your den. No offense but it's really creepy."

Horrified, the man replies: "*What?! I don't have a den! Gra...

A kid with hairspray

A kid is helping his grandpa doing yard work. The kid sees a worm creep up out of its hole. The kid has an aerosol of hairspray and bets his grandfather a dollar that if he sprays the worm with hairspray and put it back in, it will just stay there. Grandpa accepts the bet.

Sure enough, the ki...

I woke up one night to the sound of someone breaking in to my house.

I quickly reached for my phone. My wife grabbed it away and whispered "Don't do that, he'll hear you! Take your baseball bat, go downstairs and chase him out!"

I reluctantly took my bat and creeped down the stairs.
I tiptoed into the kitchen.

Nobody there.

Slowly, I made my ...

A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on...

He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

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A Burglar breaks into a house through the basement.

As he climbs through the window he hears

"Jesus sees you."

Startled, the burglar frantically looks for a light switch and turns on the lights revealing a parrot.

"Jesus sees you and he's angry!" The parrot screeches.

The burglar scoffs and continues to creep upstairs as h...

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a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"


the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't se...

This year my wife was struggling for ideas on what to get me for my birthday.

I said that for my birthday, I would like a threesome. I've never had one before, and I would feel like less of a creep if she organized it.

She was surprisingly on-board. She said that she had a friend from college who would probably be up for it.

But I think I ruined the night when ...

Being a 40 year old man, people started scolding me when I took out my 18 year old girlfriend for dinner

I got called all sorts: creep, perv etc. I have to say, it really ruined our 10th anniversary together

Help?

Every time I look in the mirror, I see an ugly creep? Anyone else have the same problem?

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So this guy is driving down the street and sees a woman with some big ol titties!

He says to himself, "I must have those in my mouth!"

He told his driver to pull over and he told her he would give her a hundred dollars to let him bite her nipples...

She replied, "what! You're gross get away"

He then said "I'll give you a thousand dollars to let Me bite your n...

I'm really worried about the Facebook hack.

The thought of random strangers having access to my personal details creeps me out.

I was going to ask my crush if she knows Radiohead

But I'm a creep

You don't actually wash your hands...

They wash each other while you just stand there staring like a creep.

My family has been specializing in ventilator sales for over 40 years.

I don't know why we've been getting so many creeps lately at our Only Fans store.

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A girl comes home to her mother

She walks up to her and says "Mom, a creep in the park today asked me to give him a blowjob for this beautiful necklace!"

There was a man entering heaven's gate.

This is an old joke so I expect people already knew about it.

There was a man entering heaven's gate and St. Peter asked him. "What makes you think you deserve to enter heaven?"

The man replied when I was alive I once saw a biker gang harassing an old lady and when they are supposed t...

Social distancing...

...is the new reason why women tell me to get away. At least I’m not a creep anymore!

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A man asked a woman to send him nudes

“Ew, you creep. Go fuck yourself.” She said

“Well that’s what I’m trying to do!” Replied the man

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

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(LONG) A woman walks into a parrot shop....

She points at a bird and says "I'll take that one please." "Be careful" warns the shopkeeper "That ones a real pervert." "Don't worry" replies the woman "I know how to deal with it"

Later that day, the woman puts the bird in her bedroom and begins to undress. Once the lady took her shorts off...

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A pirate can name a bay "Booty Bay" and nobody bats an eye...

But when I name an alley "Anal Alley", suddenly I'm a creep.

A ventriloquist was doing his gig at a nightclub...

A blonde stands up and begins to protest. She says,"Hey knock it off with the dumb blonde jokes.We're not all that stupid I'll have you know. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work,in the community, and from reach...

During these uncertain times, it is important to remember that we are all still human beings and we should treat each other in a polite and respectful manner. If I come within 6' of you, just politely remind me about social distancing.

None of this, "I have a restraining order, creep!"

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A man is standing in an elevator with a woman

He asks the woman, "can I smell your pussy?"

"Hell no, you creep" the woman replied

"Oh, must be your feet then"

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub, across the road from a brothel...

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.

"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man ...

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I asked a random woman what her favourite Radiohead song is.

She said, "I don't know...Creep?"


I said, "Fuck off, you don't even know me."

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You ever smelled moth balls before?

Creep. How did you pry it's little legs apart?

Can anyone recommend me a book that made you cry?

\- Problems in General Physics. I read that in high school, and it still gives me the creeps.

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Going home from the pub

Joseph and Diarmid are drinking in a pub having a fine old time when the proprietor calls for last round.

Joseph looks up and says. "Well, I'll be havin a last Guiness and then I'll sneak home."

"Sneak home?" Asks Diarmid. "What are you on about?"

"Well, you know how it go...

Iowa

I was going to tell you a joke about Iowa but I thought it would be too corny;

Plus I doubt you’d *EAR* me anyway.





Q:Wanna know why most creeps live in Iowa?

A: Because they’re always stalking around


(These are all original jokes)

Leaving Work Early

Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a li...

So I used to date this graphic designer...

We broke up because I caught her cheating. Writing hundreds of letters to some guy named Lorem Ipsum. What a creep, right?

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

My son is having sleep problems.

Just before bedtime I told him about this tiny wicked creature that creeps into children’s bedrooms and collects their bones.

My wife got super mad, it’s like she wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy too or something.

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Is it weird to to take shits in public bathrooms?

Because the dude in the stall I took it from seemed pretty creeped out...

Husband arguing with wife

This husband was complaining to a buddy that him and his wife were arguing and he hadn’t been home in a few days. His buddy told him what he does when he argued with his wife was to sneak into the house, lift the bottom of the sheets to the bed, and slide up until he was in between his wife’s legs a...

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Engelbert asks a cab driver to take him home after a night out in the city.

He lives in a village outside of town so it is quite a distance. The taxi driver tells him he can take him, but it will cost him $100. Engelbert only has $80, so he tells the taxi driver:

'I'll give you $80 now, but I'll need the same ride next week, and then I'll pay you $200'

The cab...

Doctor’s appointment

Man: I would like to schedule a doctor’s appointment.

Receptionist: Alright, which doctor?

Man: Oh no, not the witch doctor he creeps me out. Just a regular doctor please.

Woman calls the cops to complain about a neighbour harassing her

The cop arrives at her apartment with a notebook in hand to take notes.
Cop: Yes Mam, tell me who’s this person and what are they doing ?

Woman: he lives in the flat one floor above and is constantly looking at me, when I’m in my bathroom. Such a creep.

Cop: ( a bit confused) can...

After 3 hours of watching friends and laughing maniacally...

They were all “Dude, you gotta stop, you’re creeping us out”.

911?

Husband: "Hello, 911? Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."

911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are wel...

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I saw my disrespectful co-worker today she was hot.

"Wow, words can't describe how pretty you are." I said walking up to her.


She then replied looking at me as if I was a creep: "Uh thanks.. weirdo"


"But numbers can" I smirked.


"2/10. Bitch."

A young man was walking his date home ...

when they passed by a graveyard. The dusk was settling in and as the shadows were creeping, she locked her arm in his. He turned and asked, "A bit eerie isn't it?"

"Yes, isn't it."

As his hand slides around her waist, he asks, "Getting creepy isn't it?"

She says, "Yes isn't it...

Two men are talking at a bar...

The first man says to the second “I can never seem to sneak past my wife, when I get home from the bar she always yells at me”.
The second man asks “well, what do you do when you leave for home?”.
The first man replies “ when I get home, I turn the engine off and cruise into the driveway, I sl...

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A married man farts all the time...

And in one of his particulary explosive bouts of wind, his long suffering wife says the following. "One day you'll fart so hard you'll fart your guts right out!!"

With that, he just pays his wife's words with no heed and goes about his business.

A few days later, after the previous nig...

Why do lawyers wear neckties?

to keep their foreskins from creeping up.

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I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
...

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

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The was once a man with a 15 inch penis.

The man, however, isn't happy with it, because his wife says it hurts. Distraught, he goes on a walk, where he meets a leprechaun. The leprechaun, feeling generous and knowing of his problem (because leprechauns are all-knowing) agrees to shrinking his penis by 3 inches if he can get the hottest gir...

Translated Joke

Katie is 9 years old girl who grew up in a village , she like to wear her pretty little dress her mum made for her on her birthday .

One day when Katie was out playing , an unknown man challenge her to climb the coconut tree and pluck a coconut down for him for 20$ .

She accepted and c...

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Paedophile in a van...

A paedophile in a van creeps up to a 7 y/o boy walking home from school, the creepy man yells out "hey little buddy, ill give you this whole bag of candy if you come in my van !" As he holds up said candy. The little boy then replies "Mister, for a whole bag of candy ill cum on your face"

Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend...

.....some pizza while she was babysitting.

We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.

Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’...

Jesus is watching you

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burg...

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Mickey came home from a long day of work.

"Honey! I'm home!" he yelled. However, his wife, Minnie, didn't answer him. He supposed she was just upstairs in the bedroom, taking a nap. When Mickey opened the bedroom door, much to his dismay, he found Minnie having sex with Goofy. "Hey! What are you doing? Get outta here, you creep!"

Day...

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Two drunks are talking in a bar..

Man 1: "No matter what I do, my wife always seems to know when I get home. I'll have the cab turn his headlights off before I get home and park on the street, I take my shoes off before I get inside, don't turn on any lights, I change for bed in the kitchen then creep upstairs and she's ALWAYS waiti...

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A Girl's Prayer

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, won't wait weeks.
I pray that he be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his ...

Labels In Society

I really hate labels in society. Every action you do and every interest you have has a "category" and you get lumped together with a group, and it's stupid. If I like video games, I'm a "nerd". If I like Starbucks, I'm "basic". If I sneak into your house at 3 am and watch you sleep even though I'm p...

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Prayers

A WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when ...

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One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden.

When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.


Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.


The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing ...

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A guy has a mouse stuck in his ass

So he goes to the doctor. The doctor says "Don't worry, I've seen this before" and asks the man to bend over for an exam. Immediately, the doctor sees the nose of the mouse. The doctor says that he knows exactly what to do and he will be right back as he exits the room.

The doctor comes bac...

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lawyers....

Q: What happens to a lawyer when you give them viagra?

A: They grow taller.



Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A: Once you die a vampire stops sucking your blood.



Q: Why do lawyers wear ties?

A: To stop their foreskin creeping u...

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Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

Mom and daughter action

A guy saw a lady at a bar. She was definitely attractive, but he could tell she was a little older, orthopedic shoes, wrinkles creeping up around the mouth and eyes. But after a few drinks these things faded away and he went and talked to her.

After a few drinks together they decided to head ...

Boss tells his crew he's leaving early

Boss: "Hey guys, I'm leaving early, you can handle it while I'm gone." The boss leaves and after a little bit, one of the workers, Greg, turns to another and says "Hey, let's all leave too. Nobody will know let's just do it." So they all leave and Greg goes home and to his surprise hears some noise...

By the grace of god

A woman suffered her husbands loud, rancid, and long-winded morning farts long enough. She warned him on multiple occasions that he’s going to fart his guts out one day. With thanksgiving approaching, she hatched a plan. She woke up at 4 am thanksgiving morning to prepare for that nights dinner. Aft...

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Best Friends (NSFW-language)

My wife and I have been married a long time. And like many long-term marriages, ours had lost its spark. But lately things had gotten really bad. I don't know what started it - a minor insult, a careless remark, years of buried frustrations, the general malaise that creeps into a marriage when prior...

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A man comes at heavens gates

A man comes at heavens gates and Moe asks him wether he has had a good life and if he had ever sinned. Well, the man replies, I have never cursed or used swear words. Ok, Moe says that’s a good beginning. And were you married? He asks. No, I was not, answers the man truthfully, but I also never had ...

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Jamaican Holiday

So a man took a trip to Jamaica. He was having a great time. In the morning he enjoyed some world famous Blue Mountain coffee. Around lunch time he tried some ganja, and joined a drum circle. Later that evening he was at a local bar, had some Rum, and a couple red stripes. He made his way to the toi...

An old short, ugly, fat man approaches a beautiful woman in a bar...

He says to her:

"Ma'am I know that I'm a bit older than you, and I'm not particularly easy on the eyes, but I would love to buy you a drink."

She flatly tells him:

"No. Go away. I'm not interested"

But the man persists. He tells her:

"But wait! I'm a smart guy wit...

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A guy walks into a bar, sees a gorgeous woman sitting there, and he says to her...

"Baby, you're so sexy, I'm gonna twist your nipples 'til they're raw."

A little taken aback, she says "Excuse me?"

The man continues, "Baby, you're so sexy, I'm gonna bend you over and beat your ass with a stick."

Starting to get a bit offended she says "Dude, you can fuck right...

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