Saw a beautiful girl on bus and I smiled, it didn't creep her out

Wearing mask does help.

A man goes on an overnight business trip, and hires a babysitter to watch his two kids. It's an easy job with good pay, but she's creeped out by the life-sized clown statue he has in his den.

That night, the man calls to see how things are going.

The babysitter says: "Everything's great, the kids have been wonderful. But I had to throw my coat over that clown statue in your den. No offense but it's really creepy."

Horrified, the man replies: "*What?! I don't have a den! Gra...

What do you call a computer technician who is a creep?

A PDF file

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

Something about rabbit races creeps me out.

It's hare racing.

What do you call a fight between an extraterrestrial and a nerdy creep with no social life?

Alien vs redditor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”

Help?

Every time I look in the mirror, I see an ugly creep? Anyone else have the same problem?

I saw a snail creeping slowly across the ground.

I thought if I remove his shell, he could move faster. But it only made him more sluggish.

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(LONG) A woman walks into a parrot shop....

She points at a bird and says "I'll take that one please." "Be careful" warns the shopkeeper "That ones a real pervert." "Don't worry" replies the woman "I know how to deal with it"

Later that day, the woman puts the bird in her bedroom and begins to undress. Once the lady took her shorts off...

Translated Joke

Katie is 9 years old girl who grew up in a village , she like to wear her pretty little dress her mum made for her on her birthday .

One day when Katie was out playing , an unknown man challenge her to climb the coconut tree and pluck a coconut down for him for 20$ .

She accepted and c...

A rabbi is hiring an assistant...

Rabbi Hoffman is hiring an assistant, and he’s interviewing a young man named Uri for the job.

The rabbi read through Uri’s resume. He had extensive community service, excellent grades, and had never missed service.

“This all looks very good, young man. I’m going to need help cleaning...

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A woman is supposedly home alone and sees a figure from behind in her kitchen.

She creeps forward and grabs the figure by the testicles and asks, "who are you?"

Only silence.

She squeezes hard this time and asks, "who are you?"

Still silence.

She smashes the testicles in her hand and yells, "who are you?"

The figure whispers, "John".

...

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Some people call me a creep who fondles his balls in public.

I just say I'm well adjusted.

So my mum asked me to kill the spider that was creeping her out

Instead I picked it up and took it out. We had a few drinks. He's a cool guy, wants to be a web designer

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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my fr...

Why did the kid get creeped out when he was with his uncle playing with an octopus?

Because he expected 8 but he got ten-tickles

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

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No one wants to be a sleazy creep...

That's why before sex I always ask to check the birthday on her learner's permit.

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Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

Because he's a fucking creep

Social distancing...

...is the new reason why women tell me to get away. At least I’m not a creep anymore!

Why did the thesaurus have a creeping feeling?

He had an antonym.

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

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#2537: Do you have a vagina?

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams the...

During these uncertain times, it is important to remember that we are all still human beings and we should treat each other in a polite and respectful manner. If I come within 6' of you, just politely remind me about social distancing.

None of this, "I have a restraining order, creep!"

Jesus is watching you

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burg...

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

In Star Wars Legends, Rey discovers an unusual force ability...

...this allows her to turn as dark as the night like a shadow and even become the shadows of others, useful for creeping up on enemies. The First Order Stormtroopers spoke about this amazing power having heard about it from a commanding officer Rey fought with the force. "Sir was spun around and kno...

A ventriloquist was doing his gig at a nightclub...

A blonde stands up and begins to protest. She says,"Hey knock it off with the dumb blonde jokes.We're not all that stupid I'll have you know. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work,in the community, and from reach...

Can anyone recommend me a book that made you cry?

\- Problems in General Physics. I read that in high school, and it still gives me the creeps.

How to creep out a mortician

How to creep out a mortician.

1. Go in to pre-plan your funeral.

2. Tell him, "I want my remains scattered over the sunflower fields of Fayetteville."

3. He says, "We can do that. The cost for cremation is..."

4. Say, "Cremation? Who said anything about cremation?"
...

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A man asked a woman to send him nudes

“Ew, you creep. Go fuck yourself.” She said

“Well that’s what I’m trying to do!” Replied the man

Doctor’s appointment

Man: I would like to schedule a doctor’s appointment.

Receptionist: Alright, which doctor?

Man: Oh no, not the witch doctor he creeps me out. Just a regular doctor please.

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Is it weird to to take shits in public bathrooms?

Because the dude in the stall I took it from seemed pretty creeped out...

My son is having sleep problems.

Just before bedtime I told him about this tiny wicked creature that creeps into children’s bedrooms and collects their bones.

My wife got super mad, it’s like she wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy too or something.

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3 men snuck onto a farm in the middle of the night

to stir up some trouble.

A black guy, a spanish guy and a polish guy.

They throw some rocks and break some windows, they tip a cow or two and just generally run amuck.

The farmer hears all the ruckus and comes running out with his shotgun.

"who goes there!? Get off my far...

A scout master and a cub scout go into the woods

A scout master and a cub scout go into the woods late one night, the woods are very dense and quite terrifying at this late hour. As they travel deeper and deeper into the woods the cub scout becomes more and more terrified of his surroundings, "it sure is scary out here scout master Kevin, I'm real...

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The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.

The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the fa...

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Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

Being a 40 year old man, people started scolding me when I took out my 18 year old girlfriend for dinner

I got called all sorts: creep, perv etc. I have to say, it really ruined our 10th anniversary together

A young man was walking his date home ...

when they passed by a graveyard. The dusk was settling in and as the shadows were creeping, she locked her arm in his. He turned and asked, "A bit eerie isn't it?"

"Yes, isn't it."

As his hand slides around her waist, he asks, "Getting creepy isn't it?"

She says, "Yes isn't it...

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A man comes at heavens gates

A man comes at heavens gates and Moe asks him wether he has had a good life and if he had ever sinned. Well, the man replies, I have never cursed or used swear words. Ok, Moe says that’s a good beginning. And were you married? He asks. No, I was not, answers the man truthfully, but I also never had ...

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A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump...

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A pirate can name a bay "Booty Bay" and nobody bats an eye...

But when I name an alley "Anal Alley", suddenly I'm a creep.

I was going to ask my crush if she knows Radiohead

But I'm a creep

You don't actually wash your hands...

They wash each other while you just stand there staring like a creep.

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Engelbert asks a cab driver to take him home after a night out in the city.

He lives in a village outside of town so it is quite a distance. The taxi driver tells him he can take him, but it will cost him $100. Engelbert only has $80, so he tells the taxi driver:

'I'll give you $80 now, but I'll need the same ride next week, and then I'll pay you $200'

The cab...

A taxi driver speeds through a red light without even looking

And the passenger says, "whoa, what are you doing?! That was a red!"

The driver replies, "don't worry about it. My cousin, he does it all the time."

The passenger sits back until the driver blows through another red. He practically leaps out of his seat, "what are you doing?! You'll ge...

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Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine...

Two men are talking at a bar...

The first man says to the second “I can never seem to sneak past my wife, when I get home from the bar she always yells at me”.
The second man asks “well, what do you do when you leave for home?”.
The first man replies “ when I get home, I turn the engine off and cruise into the driveway, I sl...

One of the many situations women tend to handle the wrong way...

Ladies, if a man brings you breakfast whilst you are still in bed, he wants to hear: "Oooh, that is so cute, thank you! I love you!" and not "HOW THE FRAK DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE YOU FRAKKING CREEP?!?!?!".



Just FYI.

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I asked a random woman what her favourite Radiohead song is.

She said, "I don't know...Creep?"


I said, "Fuck off, you don't even know me."

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A monk was determined to seek immortality...

But after months, years, decades of training, he still failed. seeking after wisdom and enlightment, he went to his teacher and said "Master, how must I achieve the secret of immortality?"

"Have you seen the warm glow of the sun slowly creep behind the majestic mountains?" the master asked....

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You've heard this before. A few guys are drinking at a bar.

They start talking about getting home and they are concerned their wives will be upset about how late they get home.

First guy says, "I do what I can. I put the car in neutral at the driveway and coast in. I tiptoe inside and sneak into bed. But she still knows."

Second guy said, "I ...

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So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's a...

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Two drunks are talking in a bar..

Man 1: "No matter what I do, my wife always seems to know when I get home. I'll have the cab turn his headlights off before I get home and park on the street, I take my shoes off before I get inside, don't turn on any lights, I change for bed in the kitchen then creep upstairs and she's ALWAYS waiti...

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I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are running from a serial killer

Frightened for their lives, they run into an alleyway and try to catch their breath.

"Quick!" says the brunette. "We have to hide!"

Wasting no time, the three girls run around the alleyway to find something to hide in. The redhead finds three human-sized bags and tosses them to her fri...

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A man is standing in an elevator with a woman

He asks the woman, "can I smell your pussy?"

"Hell no, you creep" the woman replied

"Oh, must be your feet then"

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A British man moved abroad to live on a ranch in Australia

He had been over there for a few weeks on his own before he started to feel quite lonely. Peering out of his window he couldn't see a single soul for miles around, just a single dirt road creeping through the rolling landscape.

One day the telephone rang, he answered
"Hello?" he said sheep...

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A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are adventuring in the jungles of the rainforest

Upon entering a clearing they are suddenly ambushed by a remote cannabalistic tribe. They are bound, gagged, and marched into the village.

They old tribe shaman emerges from his hut and approaches them slowly. He squares up to the brunette, cuts her bound wrists and says with broken English ...

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You ever smelled moth balls before?

Creep. How did you pry it's little legs apart?

A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on...

He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."

Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend...

.....some pizza while she was babysitting.

We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.

Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’...

Boss tells his crew he's leaving early

Boss: "Hey guys, I'm leaving early, you can handle it while I'm gone." The boss leaves and after a little bit, one of the workers, Greg, turns to another and says "Hey, let's all leave too. Nobody will know let's just do it." So they all leave and Greg goes home and to his surprise hears some noise...

After 3 hours of watching friends and laughing maniacally...

They were all “Dude, you gotta stop, you’re creeping us out”.

Army budget cuts

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war. A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, we don't have enough rifles. What am I going to use for the war?"

"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutena...

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So this guy is driving down the street and sees a woman with some big ol titties!

He says to himself, "I must have those in my mouth!"

He told his driver to pull over and he told her he would give her a hundred dollars to let him bite her nipples...

She replied, "what! You're gross get away"

He then said "I'll give you a thousand dollars to let Me bite your n...

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A lost poodle wanders through a forest

On the first day of an African safari trip, a woman gets distracted and her poodle wanders off into a forest. As the dog trots through the forest, it realizes it is lost and starts to panic.

While the poodle frantically runs around trying to find it's way back, a lion sees it and decides to ...

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The was once a man with a 15 inch penis.

The man, however, isn't happy with it, because his wife says it hurts. Distraught, he goes on a walk, where he meets a leprechaun. The leprechaun, feeling generous and knowing of his problem (because leprechauns are all-knowing) agrees to shrinking his penis by 3 inches if he can get the hottest gir...

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Two friends are drinking in a bar...

Before they know it, the night has passed into the wee hours of the morning. The first man turns to the second and says "I'll be in trouble when I get home to the wife again. Every time I'm home late I get a taxi to a few doors down, creep round to the back door, take my shoes off, tip toe up the st...

By the grace of god

A woman suffered her husbands loud, rancid, and long-winded morning farts long enough. She warned him on multiple occasions that he’s going to fart his guts out one day. With thanksgiving approaching, she hatched a plan. She woke up at 4 am thanksgiving morning to prepare for that nights dinner. Aft...

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A Girl's Prayer

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, won't wait weeks.
I pray that he be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his ...

Christian & The Bear

A Christian was hiking in the wilderness, he stumbles upon a bear. The bear starts chasing him! The Christian is now cornered, he gets on one knee and says "Lord, turn this bear into a Christian" the bear creeps up closer and closer, and then gets on one knee and says "Lord, thank you so much for th...

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Best Friends (NSFW-language)

My wife and I have been married a long time. And like many long-term marriages, ours had lost its spark. But lately things had gotten really bad. I don't know what started it - a minor insult, a careless remark, years of buried frustrations, the general malaise that creeps into a marriage when prior...

An old short, ugly, fat man approaches a beautiful woman in a bar...

He says to her:

"Ma'am I know that I'm a bit older than you, and I'm not particularly easy on the eyes, but I would love to buy you a drink."

She flatly tells him:

"No. Go away. I'm not interested"

But the man persists. He tells her:

"But wait! I'm a smart guy wit...

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A daughter’s prayers

A father is listening to his daughter say her night time prayers.

"God bless mummy, god bless daddy, god bless grandma, goodbye grandpa."

The father thinks "huh, wierd" and goes to bed thinking nothing of it. the next day he receives a phone call that his father has died. Slightly cree...

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I'm not really rich enough to be a sugar daddy

But I got talking to this young girl and I sort of hinted that I could help her through college in exchange for a few favours. She looked me up and down as cool as you like and said, "Listen: the most I'm ever going to do for a sad old creep like you is let you undo my shirt once or twice a week. An...

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A married man farts all the time...

And in one of his particulary explosive bouts of wind, his long suffering wife says the following. "One day you'll fart so hard you'll fart your guts right out!!"

With that, he just pays his wife's words with no heed and goes about his business.

A few days later, after the previous nig...

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Real men lay eggs.....

Shitfaced and happy, Jack comes home from the pub late one Friday evening. Not wanting to disturb his girl, who's already asleep, he creeps into bed beside her, gives her a peck on her cheek and falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he finds a strange man standing at the end of his bed. To make mat...

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A fly dropped six inches...

A fly is flying lazily over a river. The fly drops down 6 inches closer to the water.  A fish in the river sees the fly and thinks to himself, “hey that fly just dropped 6 inches, I bet it's now close enough to where I can jump up and eat it!”


There's a bear on the bank of the river, the ...

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A guy walks into a bar, sees a gorgeous woman sitting there, and he says to her...

"Baby, you're so sexy, I'm gonna twist your nipples 'til they're raw."

A little taken aback, she says "Excuse me?"

The man continues, "Baby, you're so sexy, I'm gonna bend you over and beat your ass with a stick."

Starting to get a bit offended she says "Dude, you can fuck right...

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Little Johnny is having trouble sleeping

So he rolls over in his bed and whispers to his little brother jimmy, “Hey Jimmy, want to sneak around the house?”

Little Jimmy wakes up and is very eager to be a little mischievous with his brother, so they both get up and sneak out their bedroom door.

They both know to get to the sta...

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One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden.

When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.


Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.


The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing ...

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Paedophile in a van...

A paedophile in a van creeps up to a 7 y/o boy walking home from school, the creepy man yells out "hey little buddy, ill give you this whole bag of candy if you come in my van !" As he holds up said candy. The little boy then replies "Mister, for a whole bag of candy ill cum on your face"

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lawyers....

Q: What happens to a lawyer when you give them viagra?

A: They grow taller.



Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A: Once you die a vampire stops sucking your blood.



Q: Why do lawyers wear ties?

A: To stop their foreskin creeping u...

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A man goes out camping.

And as he's driving to the campsite, he gets a text from his friend who set him up with his date, saying that he just found out his blind date might have a cock.

The man starts to think to himself, "How can I find out for sure without my date thinking I'm a creep?" And he thinks about it the ...

Mom and daughter action

A guy saw a lady at a bar. She was definitely attractive, but he could tell she was a little older, orthopedic shoes, wrinkles creeping up around the mouth and eyes. But after a few drinks these things faded away and he went and talked to her.

After a few drinks together they decided to head ...

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The Secret of the Monastery

One night, a young man got lost in the woods while out hunting. As he walked to and fro to find a familiar landmark, he stumbled upon a very old and dreary looking building. He banged at the wooden double doors and called out, "Help please! I am lost! Could you help me?"

The door opened with ...

Irishman Paddy wanted another drink

But Mick the pub owner said "ya had enough, go on home Paddy"
I am guessing your right Mick, and with that he spun around on his stool, focused his eyes on the door, got up and proceeded to fall face first on the floor.
"Oh, Saints be praised, I must be drunken than me thought. If I can just g...

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A girl comes home to her mother

She walks up to her and says "Mom, a creep in the park today asked me to give him a blowjob for this beautiful necklace!"

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Prayers

A WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when ...

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A man went on vacation to Thailand once...

...unfortunately something went wrong with the booking of the hotel. His room (and any room for that matter) wouldn't be available until tomorrow. The receptionist told the man that if he asked nicely he might be permitted to stay one night in the local temple along with the monks. So the man made h...

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub, across the road from a brothel...

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.

"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man ...

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Mickey came home from a long day of work.

"Honey! I'm home!" he yelled. However, his wife, Minnie, didn't answer him. He supposed she was just upstairs in the bedroom, taking a nap. When Mickey opened the bedroom door, much to his dismay, he found Minnie having sex with Goofy. "Hey! What are you doing? Get outta here, you creep!"

Day...

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A man and his wife are at a golf resort...

He tries to teach his wife how to swing a club
"I already know how to hit a ball, watch this" she replies. She takes a big swing and hits the ball, the ball soars in the air and goes through a window of a mansion which happens to be at the resort. "Shit, we have to go apologize" says the husband...

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(Long) If the fly drops six inches (Best if you can rattle it off fast)

There's a fly hovering over a lake. In the lake looking up at the fly is a fish, and the fish is hungry. It's looking at the fly thinking "if that fly were to just drop six inches, i could jump up and grab it, and have a tasty meal".

There's a bear on the shore. It's looking at the fish, who...

So I used to date this graphic designer...

We broke up because I caught her cheating. Writing hundreds of letters to some guy named Lorem Ipsum. What a creep, right?

Guy walks into a bar...

He takes a seat and orders a drink when he hears "Hey man, nice shirt". He looks around but doesn't see anyone near him. A few seconds later, he hears "I love your hair cut". Still no one around. He gets a bit creeped out but says "thanks" and continues nursing his drink. Few more seconds go by...

As a citizen from Baltic states

Hello Russia, my old friend
You've come to talk to me again
New SovietRussia vision softly creeping
You've spread your seeds while we were sleeping
And the vision that was planted in your brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

Why do lawyers wear neckties?

to keep their foreskins from creeping up.

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Modern Pedophiles

A pedophile sits in his van outside a middle school, to try and get 'lucky' with some of the girls just getting out of class.

The first girl walks across the streets from school and he says, "Hey honey, could you come here, I need directions."

She responds she doesn't talk to strangers...

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The trip to Home Depot

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point o...

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