I have a recipe in which a deep dish crust is filled with small rodents and covered with whipped egg whites.

Its a Lemming Meringue Pie

A rodent just ran through my kitchen…

I got him with my Mickey Mouse club.

Who is a deep fried rodent’s favourite actor?

Chris Pratt

tears stream down brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. the rodent tugs his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. their eyes meet. caesar whispers his final words:

“rat tu, touille?”

What is the favourite city of dutch rodents?

Hamsterdam.

What type of rodent needs cologne?

A muskrat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend, who studies mice, wanted a specific rodent to complete his collection.

He asked me to find one for him. I searched far and wide for a homosexual rodent of the Ming subspecies (that was his request).

After a few months, I found a rodent that matched his request. But when I gave it to him, he slapped me.

I was shocked. "Why did you slap me?", I asked out of...

What's the difference between a large spiny rodent and a promiscuous conifer?

One's a porcupine and the other's a pine you pork

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once had my wallet stolen by a rodent who didn't know his father.

That rat bastard took all my money.

A large semiaquatic rodent with webbed hind feet and a broad flat tail walks into a bar carrying a hammer and screwdriver.

He starts working on various wobbly bar stools, wonky tables, stuck doors, sagging rails and so on, fixing misalignments and straightening everything up, all the while humming and singing under his breath.

After several minutes of careful work to get everything straight and level he finishes...

What do you call 6.022x10^23 rodents?

A Mol Rat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two rodents giving each other oral sex

Mice

What do you get when you cross a rodent, some money and a nut

A cashrew

What do you call a firm, brittle, dry rodent that also happens to be an actor.

crisp rat

A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a female rodent with a penis?

A mouse trap.

What do you call a Spanish rodent, that's always asking questions?

A porquepine.

Did you hear about the new cooling device for the lower jaw of a south American rodent?

It's a chinchilla chin chiller.

What’s the most monstrous rodent of them all?

The Chinzilla.

Why do the rodent love doing deadlifts?

Because he loves working on the hamstering

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled blearily....

What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam

Where does a rodent gets his dope?

Hamsterdam 😂

Be gentle, my first one here on reddit;)

[OC] What do you call a rodent that sells illegal guns?

An Armadealer

Where do you find red eyed rodents?

Hamsterdam!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sexually assaulted by a colourful Rodent today!!!

His name was 'Hue Mongoose'

What do rodents do after dinner?

Gopher a walk.

I picked up some Chinese from a local place...

I picked up some Chinese from a local place (won't name them), and as I was driving home, I heard a weird rustling in the bag! I was like, "WTF is in the bag?" I swear I saw something peering at me out of the corner of my eye.

I pulled over hard, slammed the car in park, and gingerly picke...

Squirrels infested a small town and each house of worship called a meeting to decide what to do.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrel problem. After much prayer and discussion, they concluded the squirrels infesting the church were predestined to be there and the church elders and congregation shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A squirrel walks into a bar and asks for seeds.

The bartender hands him a plate of seeds and he tucks in. Once the squirrel is done eating he immediately begins masturbating vigorously.

"Hey!" the bartender shouts. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"I'm a squirrel," the squirrel says. "Look it up."

The bartender looks up 'sq...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tenant goes to the landlord and tells him there are mice in his apartment

-I know these kinds of hoaxes, it wont work on me, but let me see those "mice" you're talking about - says the landlord.

So they go to the apartment that is right on the top of the building, they open the door and ... no mice whatsoever.

The landlord angrily asks the tenant why he so b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lost goat

So these two redneck guys are walking through a forest and hunting for squirrels and rodents and shit. They come across a giant sink hole in a wide open cut of the forest. One redneck says to the other “ I wonder how deep this here hole is.” The other redneck says “let’s find something to throw in t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ernie the Hamster

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious,


Dad....

So I was at a conference for experimental philosophy...

and it was getting a bit dull so I turned to the guy next to me and asked

"So, what do you do?"

He lit up, eager to tell all.
"Well, I'm studying the effects of introducing rodents to Nihilistic thinking through an intricate series of signals and experiments. Nice to meet cha!"
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un are out to brunch in a small town...

A suprised waiter finds them and says "Gee goly, what an honor to meet you." He looks about like a nervous rodent and asks "what are you guys doing here of all places?"
Trump says "We're gonna start WWIII. We're gonna kill a lot of innocent civilians and we're gonna kill a blonde with big tits....

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered her...

MOUSE HOLE

This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back." "I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes." "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonig...

GOB Bluth started his own school for young magicians

For the second class, he decided to teach the children some of the classic transformation illusions. He showed them flowers-to-doves, doves-to-rabbits, and rabbits-to-carp.

Then he showed them carp-to-rats and his most enthusiastic student asked, "Does it have to be carp and rats, Uncle GOB? ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy and his frog walk into a bar.

And he has a few to many drinks by himself and the bartender begins to worry. The man asked for another pint.

"I think you've had a few to many," the bartender responds.

He replies in a drunken tone, "I'm a traveling showman, and I have a million dollar act. If I show it to you, can I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bombs and Berries (Long) (Original)

Back Story: During World War 2, it was super cold in Nazi Germany. The American troops were told if they were ever in a rough situation, to look for frozen squirrels at the base of trees. Then place the frozen squirrel between their thighs (the warmest part of the body) to warm it up. The squirls wo...

Groundhogs

Constipation is a bit like watching for groundhogs on Groundhog Day. You know spring is coming early, but that reclusive rodent is nowhere to be seen.

Leprechaun caught while golfing

A man in Ireland is playing golf alone when he hooks a shot into the bushes.

He pushes his way into the undergrowth and finds his ball...resting a foot away from an embarrassed looking Leprechaun stuck in the jaws of a steel rodent trap.

Shocked for a only a moment, he pries open the t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.